Gail wrote to me this week, to be heard, to be listened to, and I'm responding to her letter today on the blog.
Her love interest has said he just wants to be friends, and she wants more than that.
Sound familiar?
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I met a guy after being divorced for 7-1/2 years. I never thought I would meet anyone again to love me for who I am, but he’s a lawyer and he’s younger than me.
I'm 60, he’s 49.
He’s really busy in court and in the office, and we stay in different cities, yes, but my problem is he said he wants to be friends because he doesn’t have time for a relationship because he’s so busy. I understand that but I really have a problem with it because if you really care about someone, you’ll make time for them.
I’ve told him that.
He asked me to think about going to meet his family for thanksgiving, and that makes me feel better, but I want more than friends.
Should I just wait for him to say something about a relationship, or do I bring it up again and just wait for him to say something? He comes to see me when he can, and I go to see him when he’s free.
Please tell me how to go about this - I don’t want to push him away!
-Gail
My Response:
Everything is wrong here, Gail.
Years of writing my own words that mirror exactly what you’ve written in your email, as well as hearing these same words coming from so many of the women I work with individually, point out the only problem that’s ever an issue here.
Power.
You’re giving all your power away to this man, Gail.
He has every bit of the power in this relationship, or whatever you’re calling it.
Something is so wrong here.
Every relationship story I hear almost always has the exact same underlying issue. An unequal distribution of power.
We don’t even realize this is what’s at the root of everything that feels so wrong because we’re so used to living like this; giving our power away, accepting crumbs because we don’t believe we have the right to ask for - let alone expect - a real, equal, fulfilling relationship.
This is what's wrong!
We don’t believe we have a right to ask for what another part of us – buried deep down inside us – KNOWS we have every right to expect and not to settle for anything less.
But this isn’t how we talk about it.
No, we talk about it in a way that makes it seem like it’s all about saying or doing the right thing – whatever a particular expert tells us that “right thing” is. But the paradox here is that what’s right to us is what’s right when we own our own power, and that’s the only thing we need to do for everything else to naturally fall into place.
That’s the answer.
We put everything back into the proper order of things by remembering we have any power in the first place. That we don’t have to beg or plead or convince someone to want to be with us in the first place. That’s never been our truth, but instead of being told the actual truth, we've been told the opposite by someone who wanted to keep the status quo to minimize the impact on their own comfort level. That this is the message that's been passed onto us and conditioned in us to respond with is nothing short of a travesty.
What our relationships could have been if we'd been given this as our truth instead!
You answered your own question right from the outset, Gail, when you said you have a problem with his response of being too busy for anything more than a friendship because you know the truth - that if someone makes a person, or a relationship with that person, a priority, they will absolutely make a way for that to happen.
You already know this, Gail. You said it yourself.
He’s dangling a future family event in front of you as an incentive to keep you waiting for him while he figures out what he wants to do with you. It's so far in the future he doesn't actually have to do anything now, and by then, surely something else will come up in his busy schedule.
No, don’t wait for him to say something – don’t wait for anyone to do anything that you can do for yourself. For what happens to you in the waiting? What kind of message do you send yourself, your self-esteem, your dignity, your self-respect while you wait for someone to decide on you?
No, don’t go to see him when he’s free. How does it affect your feelings of self-worth when you're the one doing all the work, going to someone because the schedule he's chosen for himself doesn't allow enough time for him to make time and come to you?
You have your answers, Gail. They've been in you all along. Not just with this man, but in all the others before him. We just haven't learned that we can actually trust ourselves to know more than the voices that began as someone else that turned into our own self-doubt.
What I want you to see here, more than anything else, is that when you stand in your own power and own the power you've always had, even if you never realized it before, you’ll see that these answers are the only ones for someone who knows who she is, who knows what she deserves and doesn’t hold to the hidden belief system that tells her this is just the way it HAS to be!
Much love to you, sweet soul. I hope this helped.
Love,
Jane
Now it's your turn - what do you think beautiful Gail should do in this situation? Should she let him know how she feels, or wait and see if he eventually comes around to wanting a relationship with her? Or should she just walk away? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
I understand her confusion in whhat to do. I have been in that type of relationship and it sucks and it hurts. I guess we dont think we have the power. But at the same time i dont like telling someone else what to do with relationships because what gail decides to do she will have to live with the after effects. I suffer from depression and that alone brings me down. I have a wonderful man in my life now. Yes there is a situation that i dont like and i tell him when i dont like it. So in my opionion gail will have to decide what she thinks kis going to be best, which i know is going to be hard when a person loves another person
Gails love interest has told her clearly that he wants to be friends not a one on one relationship. . She would be wise to listen to him. ..and walk away. who needs friends with no time for you anyway?
This is true. It hurts when someone you like doesnt shpw the same kinda of response
I would tell him how I feel about me doing all the work and that you know that you are worth more than he is willing to see. Take your power back, stand up for you and if he has any feelings what so ever for you will be there more than what he has been doing!! He’s just waiting for someone better to come along!!
I am doing the same thing. Been waiting around for a guy over 3 years. All I can say is what a idiot I have been . If they love you they will pursue you. I guess love and loneliness makes us do stupid things. I need more self esteem.
Amen sister. I have been those shoes. I do need more self esteem as well. I have a wonderful man in my life now. I do pray i will be introduced to his kids someday. I understand loonliness as well and it sucks
Definitely walk away and be the strong, beautiful, loving woman you are for yourself... Don’t make the same mistake as I have. If you stay It will always be this way, it will always be on his terms if you see him or not. You will always accomodate to him, being the only one putting any effort in.. And that’s a lot power he has over you and he doesn’t mind one little bit...
stay strong, stay true, fill your life with love and happiness Gail ☮️💟🕉
There’s men out there that would spend every moment they can with you, because they want to....
I believe Gail should just walk away because he already stated that he is to busy for a relationship. She states she doesn't like it, which means she doesn't want to hear his truths, because she really likes him, maybe even love him! So to hear him tell her thats he's too busy for a relationship is devastating to her! She just need to let go & move on to someone who is available & willing to satisfy her wants & needs, wholeheartedly!!!
I think she should walk away. Love yourself enough to let him go. Wait on the man who wants to be with you and shows you that he does.
I do understand this. At the same time this would be hard to do. I am working on loving myself.
I think she shouldn't have to settle for less than she wants ever ....if he doesn't some others will
Sadly, I'm kind of in a similar situation. Even to the age! He's 10 years younger. So I don't know what to say. I, too, wait to him to come around as he works horrendous summer hours outside. I feel like an after-thought sometimes, but he shocked me other night (last time before Corona nightmare) when planned to come over, then kids there working, he told me, i kept waiting, finally took off makeup, put on my pajamas, robe. Suddenly he shows up! It was huge as i was ready to write a nastygram. He has hard time saying no to his kids who he rarely sees. But when they left he came over which he also cares for an elderly woman and has to be there certain time in evening. He was back in my good graces but then this distancing stuff. It's way confusing but I, too, let him control as he rarely has time because has filled his time with work and care giving from before. So now seems not to have time. It's way confusing. Very shy, wants me to mentor him. But all on hold. Know him four yrs, two on and off. I want to give him ultimatum as I really want him in my life. He mentions worried about being alone someday. I feel same. We'd be perfect together but he lacks self-confidence. A counselor I went to say he's "broke." I want to be there for him as I, too, was/am pretty withdrawn but his being introverted brings it out in me so makes me look strong! But I'm about to lay it all out when can see him again as I can't do this but want him!
I have been in that sitiation that is a tough one. Somedays my self esteem is high and sometimes ir isnt. I know that feeling in a way. If i think about it me and my man do spend allot of time together whitch i value. I try to live in the day at hand whitch is hard somedays especially when my depression is at a high like yesterday.
As hard as it will be for her to do she needs to walk away and find someone who values her and her time. This man is playing with her
If he isn’t then he will get the message and understand that she deserves more from him.
It's easier to give an opinion to someone else than tell it to yourself. There has been some good advice given here and I am grateful to everyone for sharing.
Hope Gail and all the other ladies make the right choices for them and have the love and happiness they deserve.
We are in unprecedented times and that will give us space and time to think and work things out for ourselves.
I think she needs to,bemire patient with herself and do her,own thing make him see she's not waiting to get on with her life with or without him she needs to show her strength to him that she doesnt need him but yet she wants him to be a part of her life that I believe would grab his attention more is that he sees this and that she's dependent on herself.
I am glad you left this reply. I needed to hear this. I know i am a string woman. I raised my kids mostly after my divorce i have 5 kids. My man i am dating right now has been great these last few months during this time of my last two leaving the nest. They have found there new homes but i have not yet whitch really scars me. I do need to show my man that i want him to be a part of my life and not because i need him. I do need him but i more want him to be a part. I believe he feels the same way. Thank you for that post. I really needed to hear that today
Walk away now before you emotionally invest. 49 and 60 - it's a game. You deserve honesty. RUN
I think Gail should walk away. He's clearly got doubts about the prospect of a relationship. She should take back her power and walk away and put her energy into something more mutually exclusive.
I think Gail should take a step back. I wouldn’t disappear altogether just yet, I would wait and see if the scarcity of her presence prompts him to make a serious change. If it doesn’t; then as difficult as it would be, the next step would be to walk away. What other choice would there be? If a man REALLY wants to be with a woman, HE’LL MAKE IT HAPPEN.
We have to look at these relationships in the current lockdown climate.
I was widowed after 35 years & met a managed 10 months who had never made me felt this way. I've known him for 2 years & he's been very hot & cold.
I recently I told him exactly what I felt and what I would tolerate. I'm a busy woman with many interests & close family & friends.
After 3 weeks & into lockdown he contacted me & has become very loving and thoughtful and has opened up. It's early days and it could be the effect of being confined to his home and feeling lonely.
I'm enjoying this attention & taking it day by day, forvwho knows whether we'll be here tomorrow. I'm in my latest 60s and he's 70 this year. We're both passionate people with eclectic interests.
Gail, first you must be passionate about yourself. Nurture and love yourself first. Be there for the people-whether male or female- who are there for you, who care and see you. Take care.
I like your post. I guess i have trouble loving myself. This is something i really have to work on a daily basis. I have a great man in my life right now. He has been very supportive in my current situation. I have to really figure out what i want to do in life. I am in a job right now. My last two are leaving the nest and going on with there life witch scars me in a way. Now what do i do with life. Thank you for your post
Exactly, just feeding their ego. That is all that they are really after when they won't commit.
Absolutely take control over your own life. Waiting is degrading and leads to so much self doubt. We all deserve better.
I think she should tell him how she feels and let him go if he doesnt want the same she deserves someone that is right for her
Gail,
It’s simple. Define what you want, a friend or a life time partner?
Are YOUR needs being met.
Move on if they are not. Don’t settle for scraps because that’s all you’re going to get.
As the old saying goes. A ship can’t set sail until it knows it’s destination.
When you start getting emotionally involved with someone who can’t meet your needs it can bring your needs to a halt and hinder you from moving on without guilt. Why are his needs more important than yours? Be aware of this trap. It’s hard to walk away from ‘nice friends’ cause they are ‘nice’ friends but they also stop you from find a fulfilling relations. I know cause I’m living it too.
Decide what’s important to you. As we get older sometimes friends are all you need, in other cases sometimes we want our best lifetime buddy and time is precious, so use it wisely, decide quickly and follow your heart.
Only you know what that really is.
Ps if You’re just friends there is no harm in looking elsewhere, you don’t owe him an explaination and if you find someone move on, if doesn’t need to need to know just like you don’t know what he’s doing behind your back. When a man says he wants friendship, they never lie. You’re not the woman for him. You’re just feeding his ego.
Good luck!
Leave him I say. I had situation recently where I met guy younger than me but charmed me and said nicest things I haven’t heard in 30 years marriage so I got sucked in and believed his every word where he just wanted friend and he always said he wanted c me and I never heard from him. Then I made mistake of texting him and we met and he always said same sweetest things and he would take me out and again nothing and come find out all he wanted was sex and I said I know nothing about u and never heard from him in two months. Y would I still think about him and wonder what he’s doing when I know it’s over or he would if called me?
Gail please calmly walk away with all of your dignity intact and release your soul from this torturous existence ❤️
Gail,
I was in a very similar situation. I didn't want to push him away or pressure him to be in a relationship with me. For nearly 4 years I waited and told myself that if I was patient with him he'd have to see that I was worth it. Unfortunately, he never came around. All he did was feed me enough scraps of his time and attention to keep me around. He told me that I was the only person he was seeing and I found out that he has seen many other women and chatted with several on Facebook and Instagram. I know what it's like to hope that they will change their mind and that things will work out. It did not work out that way for me. I finally listened to the advice I was given and I've let him go. It's been close to 2 months since I stopped seeing him and it was a little hard at first. However, I started to realize that I was more at peace without him. It is nice not having to worry about if he loves me or if he will step up and do right by me.
I recently met someone new by chance. We've went walking on the bridge. Went to dinner (before the restaurants closed their dining rooms) and went hiking. He knows I'm freshly out of a situationship and he's very patient and understanding. My point is I've seen this new man more in 2 weeks than I ever saw the other guy in 6 weeks.
I've learned that you have to give people boundaries and let them know your expectations up front. And when they start crossing those boundaries and not meeting your expectations let them know that you will not put up with it and don't be afraid to walk away! I wish I would have walked away a lot sooner. I would have saved myself a lot of unnecessary stress and heartache.
Never accept anything less than you deserve. I stopped seeing someone a few weeks ago, because he wasn't wanting a committed relationship.
Walk away.
I just love everything you say Jane and I relate to it all. I am still Gail - giving all my power away all the time and accepting crumbs. I love what you say and I am so taking it on board. Thank you for all Your amazing pearls of wisdom - so grateful 🙏🙏Gaul, you deserve so much more. Don't settle for second best lovely 💖💖
Gail should walk away. She should now decide to concentrate on doing things she enjoys, things that make her feel energised and good about herself. She will meet new people, but she needs to remember to put herself first. The man she talks about is not interested in her, because if and when he gets other options he will drop her instantly. Gail deserves better .
Gail, I do not mean to sound harsh, but have you listened/ read and completed the exercises that Ms. Jane requested of us in the program Beautiful, Confident, Radiant ME?(yes I changed that last word intentionally) If you haven't purchased this self-help program, you should-now...AND if you do have it, then it is time to revisit the lessons.
Truth is...Do you REALLY want a man in your life who doesn't see your worth? Do you WANT a man in your life that you need to remind him of that worth? Gail, he knows what you want, but he does not want the same thing-for whatever reason. You know what you need to do...and won't do it. I get it. Trust me, the situation with Thanksgiving? You do not want me to get started on that one. Point in case is; your life is on hold. He is living his, the way he wants. Get out there and date. You do have to eat, yes? Men want what they can't have. So don't sit around and wait for him. In the process of living your life, you might just realize that 'he's not all that and what he has to offer isn't what you really want anyway.' Go grab a pen and paper girl and describe the qualities that you want in a relationship. (Chapter 3) Let's see, you could start with
1) You are a priority in his life
2) He makes time in his life for You
3) He is available, mentally and physically and is seeking the same type of committed relationship that You are seeking.
If this were me...I'd give him his day in court and tell him he's Dismissed.
Gail, this is Your life. You should be the leading lady in your life. I am certain you are Beautiful, but you do not hold the confidence yet. Once you do, you will be Radiant...and attract the man that that deserves You....Love at you lady!
An old saying, "A house divided always falls."
Great response which I totally agree with Jane, Your story is so familiar to me Gail.
I was dangled a carrot for six years and in a single day with no explanation it was gone..that was 3 years ago..But I've come out the other side knowing more and loving me more.
Dont wait for him Gail, Dont regret the time wasted on waiting. You know the answers already so Be Brave and stop giving him that power.
There are good men out there who will visit you because they want to and you, should be able to visit them in the same manner rather than waiting for that time for when their calendar is free and are available.
Let him go! She is wasting her time with him.
I take it that they have known each other long enough to know what they want. He doesn't sound ready to commit. I think she should move on.
Gosh, this is like reading about my own life. You make excuses for their lack of investment, kids, work, stress etc etc. They are worth it you tell yourself, they have so many great qualities, you compromise, you chase, you back off, you tolerate, you stand firm, you say to yourself no more, then they contact you and the cycle starts again. Its like a dopamine fix especially if you have feelings. The best things are friends who call it as it is, bluntly sometimes, and love you enough to listen to you processing your pain and self doubt. I read, listen and learn and have learnt to forgive myself for being human, I am brimming with love to give, but deserve love and respect in return, I am worth it. I have come to realise while I am investing and wasting my energy to a man who is emotionally unavailable, who looks for his own validation through my feelings and who has no intention of having a committed relationship with me I am unavailable to others who may come along. Step by step each day I say, it's like pulling off a bandaid. Since I have started not responding as per normal to him and have opened my eyes, other men are turning up on my radar. It still hurts and I miss our banter and caring for him but without that being mirrored back it just sucks you dry and you deserve the one. Keep safe and honour your worth.
Hi Gail,
I understand the way you are feeling and how much you really want this to be more than what it is but, I have experienced this so many times that I knew immediately that it was him keeping you “on a back burner” so you don’t completely leave hence the Thanksgiving invite, however I will honestly say that I’m confident he is romantically involved with someone else new and unsure of where it’s going so he’s the guy who doesn’t want to not have someone to go to therefore he has you simmering on low until a holiday that may or may not happen and he is testing the waters with some new interest. I don’t want you to get defensive or upset but I am very good at spotting things right away now because of years of hurting like this. You can stop it. You will feel really good at first and then you will want to take it back. You are going to be on an emotional roller coaster if you will for a while and you will get off. You have to do something positive for yourself everyday and be happy with your own life before you will even be looked at twice by a decent man. I had to experience a whole lot of levels of pain before I had this finally figured out. I’m good now just getting back on my feet financially at this point but it’s definitely going to be better for you to end this than any other way. I wish you all the best and the right man will come when we are ready for him. Just breathe and let go. Love you 😍
I like what you said. You have to do somethimg positive for yourself and like your life that is what i have to start doing for myself. I am dating a very good man right now. When i am in a relationship i put all my energy in that relationship whitch isnt a bad thing but i need to do some poistive things for myself
Unfortunately I am in the same position, however I am making changes and acknowledge I am worthy of better! Thank you for giving her the words of encouragement!
Hi Gail
I had a similar situation, and had to let him go, as I realised what I wanted and needed was reciprocity, to feel, he wished to see me & get to know me as much as I wanted to know him. Not just catch ups, which were beautiful, but for him to open up and let me in, instead of being kept at a distance.
Cathy😘
I think Gail should say “next” and move on to a man that will give her the attention she need and desires. I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m in the same type of boat and it’s a daily struggle. I actually asked for clarification thou and was told I super cool he’s just not interested romantically. Seems like a waste of the last several months getting to know him. So you move on till you find the one that is just as smitten with you as you are with them.
No, don’t wait for him. If he truly cared he will make time for you. I’m in a similar situation and I am not going to settle for less than I deserve. My husband left after 30 years for his office manager at first I would probably have taken him back, but then I realized what does that say about me, that I’ll settle for the crumbs because I don’t deserve more? No thanks have fun with that.
Totally agree with you , Jane.
She should definitely let him know how she feels and if he wants a relationship with her, he will put in the effort to make that happen. If he doesn't, then she should walk away. If it's meant to be he will pursue her. When we make ourselves readily available to the men in our lives, they don't have to work at anything andmen like to work, they like the chase, they are naturally hunters. If they want something they will go after it.
Hi there,
I would tell him exactly how I feel.
And let it go. And move on to some well deserved self love! Get to love yourself fully. God created a beautiful woman. When you start to love yourself and believe in yourself, you radiate an essence that everybody else sees in you and wants from you. If her lawyer wants to make contact with Gail....great! If he doesn't...its still great! Just don't sit at home pining. Go out. Take the dog for a walk. Get dressed up. Call someone to meet you for coffee. Just do something that makes you smile. Take an art class. Go where you have to talk to somebody. And you will have such a beautiful time being true to you. Live in the moment Gail. We are not promised tomorrow. Be blessed Gail.
I can't help her because I'm in exactly the same boat. I feel I should walk away. But I don't have the energy to do it
Ive been her. I have waited and responded the way zi thought he wanted, and lived with someone whose wife had died but he never asked me to marry him. He was very good to me but never uttered the love word unless I uttered it first. I was with him for nine years. 2018 I walked out of the relationship because I was finished with feeling that I wasn't good enough. I am not in a relationship now, but I know I will never settle. NEVER. If I never find a man that makes me feel that I am his everything and will not fight for me, then I will be alone. I dont like it but I will do it before I compromise my integrity. No man is worth it. NONE
I don’t think she should wait on him and give him all the power, he needs to chase her some.
Gail is on a see-saw ride and roller coaster ride, and unfortunately she is in love all by herself...just like I am. I met Wayne 3 years ago, we went from lovers, to friends and now he thinks he can just call me for a booty call, LOL that ain't working and I won't disrespect myself by allowing him to call all the shots. However I am done, I know God didn't intend for me to be with someone that creates more pain than happiness in my life. LOL, yet I still love him put I'm working him out of my system.
Gayle's situation sounds like such a familiar situation so many of us have been in.. It's easy to say she should walk away since he has stated he only wants friendship. However, I think first she should express her feelings and needs to him so there are no feelings of 'what if' from simply walking away. Gayle can hope for a good outcome, yet also prepare for a realistic outcome where this man is still unwavering in his response. It's so hard to have this feeling of walking on egg shells so as to not push him away, while our needs may not even be close to being met. Good luck to Gayle!! And all of us to be empowered and loved
I believe Gail should walk away and learn to love herself! A man who wants a relationship will go out of his way for her! She is not an option or a when it's convenient for him thing,she's probably a beautiful soul who deserves a prince charming! I have mine and he does everything too show that daily! I feel loved safe secure& if their is any question in her mind on his feelings she should run! Thank you!
I have an identical situation in many ways. Age difference, the friend zone, the mixed messages, everything.....Well, I am at the decision making point. He is in my church so I see him weekly, normally . This social distance thing is helping me out with this. I have to get to an understanding because I do not want to leave my church....so, I have decided to give him what he says he wants.....friend zone him. That means I do not act like his girlfriend. I do not prefer his company to others, I treat him Just like everyone else. I have to mentally move on. This is hard while he is still around....but I do deserve to be treated better. I am widowed but was not treated that well in my marriage. The days of me being on a one way street are over. I am truly better off alone. Hard as that can be. I truly get the pain of it. You love him. You saw some evidence he liked you too....but he does not have his act together. If he did, he would be consistent. Get him off the pedestal in your mind. He will see what his is losing.....or he will not. He would make you a priority if he wanted to do it. It is not you.....He just is not there....but he sure will take what attention you will give him for free. Just my thoughts.....
No. No one should go chasing after a man. No matter how wonderful he makes you feel. It is not enough. A man who wants a relationship, will make the time to persue you. No matter how busy he may be. He will make an effort to see you and talk to you without your help. I've been there. And if he wants to be just a friend, he doesn't get any benefits of a committed relationship. He will have to see you in public and not at his place. I learned that I have to love myself and not give myself away to someone who is playing house without wanting to pay the price. Commitment is for mature man and women. Immature men and women play this kind of games. I've been there. But not anymore. Glory to God.
I am doing all the wrong things myself with a man I am crazy about. He has been making small efforts to be with me, which SEEM monumental, I guess. He has been honest about wanting to not getmarried again, neither do I. He doesn't want to live with anyone, he says, but we are a little over an hour apart, so that would not be ME, we both have our own places. It is long stretches without contact that hurt me. I walked away once and was WAY more miserable than just wishing he would contact me MORE. SO sure cannot say what someone else should do. I have NEVER met aman that made me feel like this one does.
My name is Jen and I think Gail should just relax and enjoy the ride.
I had to do this with my current boyfriend and it worked! He was blowing me off and not making me a priority. I made myself less available and even started going on dates. He has done a full change and is the boyfriend I wanted him to be.
If you enjoy the time you spend with this man, then don't pressure him for more. Don't press for a 'title'. I think we as women get so hard pressed for validation from the man that we lose sight of enjoying the moments with them. If he's inviting you to go have a holiday with his family, go. Relax and enjoy the moment, enjoy the holiday and most of all enjoy him. If you approach this in this way, he will open up more. Before you know it, you'll be in a relationship with this man.
Gail needs to walk away. It took me 6 months to realize that was what I needed to do, which I did!
Gail needs to walk away. It took me 6 months to realize that was what I needed to do, which I did!
It’s sad. I wouldn’t meet him anymore
Gail...I totally agree with the advice given to u. I was in the same situation and kept giving my man a chance to make me a priority. It never happened so I expressed to him what I deserved and said goodbye. Does it hurt...hell yes it still hurts. I think about him everyday but I know in my heart that I deserve more than he is willing to give.
Someone will come along...u just stay true to urself.
Kaye Lynn
She’s needs to let him know how she feels. She needs to decide ahead of time what her response and actions will be if she does not get the answers that she wants. She needs to follow through, take her power back and be prepared to walk away if he’s not willing to even try to work on the relationship.
Yes she should tell him. Life is short. She has to be brave and take a risk. The truth will either hurt or be the best thing she ever did if he feels the same way. Obsessing about it day after day is a waste and only leaves you living in a fantasy. It’s better to let him know even if it’s scary
A relationship you have to persuade or talk someone into is not worth having. He made it clear he just wants to be friends. I would look for someone else and preferably someone closer geographically or who actually has the time (and funds if travel required) to be physically present with you and states clearly they want a relationship. And, Preferably, that they are even hoping it leads to more! That truly someone actually appreciating and loving you for who you are! I wouldn’t compromise at all on this with this particular guy. (And perhaps right now you fear you don’t have many choices, but you WILL be happily surprised to see there many more than you realize once you shut the door on this guy).
I hope she leaves him, and puts herself first. I was pretty much in the same situation. Guy was too busy to even make effort to see me, I was doing all the “making things happen.” Then one night, went to see him, went to bed that evening, and a voice said *uck him leave and that’s just what I did at 2am in the morning. It hurt, but it felt good to walk away with no explanation. I had already done enough explaining and pouring my heart out to him.
I agree with you! She knows the answer already, but her one statement about “I never thought I’d find someone to love me for me again.” is the tell... this is the thought process keeping her in that uncomfortable spot. Gail, You’re enough, just as you are. If you want a relationship and he doesn’t, stop wasting your time. It isn’t worth it. Love yourself enough to not settle.
Absolutely agree with you about Gail already knowing the answer. One he said they should be friends. Two well she already knows if she was important enough to him he would find the time for her. I hope she finds someone who truly makes this happen and makes her feel important on all levels.
Walk away and let it go