Isn't that how you feel?
Everything already feels so hard, and then you have someone who isn't on the same page as you when it matters most.
No matter how hard you think it is now, it doesn't get any easier the longer you wait for someone to come around and change when the warning signs are there if you could trust yourself enough to see them.
Life is messy. Relationships aren't fantasies.
Who you are and who he is are products of years of programming - mostly the subconscious kind neither one of you are even aware of. Until the honeymoon is over and you're only left with reality, because the beginning wasn't who he really was.
At least not in a way he could indefinitely sustain.
It's why we excuse away those little behaviors that are actually the seeds of huge red flags. It's why we let those small things we don't want to make a mountain of slide, because of our own inherent confirmation biases.
And yet when we look back, when you find yourself here, there's always a sense that some part of you knew more than you allowed yourself to know.
Do yourself a huge favor right now - before you're in over your head - and choose someone who's on the same page as you. Someone who understands the real you versus the perfect you, and chooses real.
Someone who you don't have to be anything but yourself around - and neither does he.
It's hard enough to make a relationship last for the long term in the best of circumstances. But without that, without two real people in the beginning who understand love is more than the fantasy, that real is so much more than perfect can ever be, everything is going to be so much harder than it ever needs to be!
Don't set yourself up like this!
Choose someone who's capable of seeing you. Choose someone who's capable of looking within. Choose someone who's looking for the same thing you are AND isn't afraid to walk through all the stages of getting to know another imperfect human being to get there.
If you want the real thing, you need more than fancy words and surface behaviors that can't stand the test of time.
Stop settling for the short-term when what you really want is the long-term. Don't be afraid to be you, to set the stage by being more of you, not less of you.
The ones who are right for you always show up; the ones who don't were never going to be.
Time to stop second-guessing, Beautiful. Life is hard enough with someone who gets all this; with someone who doesn't, it's nothing close to love.
It's the opposite. Heartbreaking.
In every sense of the word.
Love,
Jane
How about you, Beautiful? Are you ready to trust yourself? It's time. Tell me how you're going to start trusting yourself starting right now below in the comments!
I feel you are right i met someone he seems to care but always there for sex and i want more than that i want someone that will do things with me too
Hey Jane,
I'm going to start trusting myself and not expecting anything less then what I deserve.
Also if I can see a Red flag, then leave. And not try and see the best in everyone especially when they don't show it to me.
Thats good
Well Jane, you've done it again! Writing these reminders at exactly the time i need to hear them- thank you so much for this article.
I have been seeing someone for a few months now, nice guy, I am not head over heels, but he seems to be further into this than I am even though he knows very well where I'm coming from.
More and more I see that once again I've found someone who needs to be nurtured, who has to make it about him and I get lost in trying not to hurt his feelings or say the wrong thing.
My son became very sick, was in intensive care, so I had to leave suddenly to be with him- of course. Now this man has been texting me several times a day to find out how things are. I appreciate his interest and have been replying with as much information as I have. Another family tragedy has hit at the same time and I am overwhelmed and heartbroken by all that has happened.
I've told him that I can't reply to him immediately but now he is playing the wounded person, telling me he feels left out and I don't care about him. I've tried to explain that he is making me feel more stressed and adding extra worry to what I already have by placing these demands on me, and me worrying about hurting his feelings. His response- I'll leave you alone, so I've not heard from him for a few days now.
I feel so let down again by another man who just doesn't know how to be there when I need him most. All I need is for him to be there for me, to ask what I need, how I feel-I'm not being selfish but I can't worry about another person right now. I have so much going on.
I keep making these same wrong choices, and now am so upset that he chose this time to make it about him and leave. When will I ever learn and accept that this man I am wanting doesn't exist in my world.
Wow I needed to hear that . thank you
Thankyou Jane i think i can do better too
I was widowed nearly 3 years ago after 35 years of marriage.
I met a twice divorced man within 10 months and we have had an on off relationship since then. I was so needy at first, but my life has become so full that my confidence & self esteem have grown in leaps & bounds.
He is emotionally avoidant and I've opened up emotionally and happy to show my vulnerability. He has lots of problems in his life and financially we are in different places; I'm comfortable and he still has to work long hours as well as paying maintenance to a 15 year old son ( he's 70 this year I'm 67)
A couple of says ago I sent him.an email telling him.how he made me feel, how our 'relationship' and his inconsistency was making me emotionally unstable, even though I enjoyed being with him when we were together.
We are on different pages and I know I need another sort of relationship ( if any, because my life is so full). He brought me out of my deep grief and was exciting when I saw him. But being with him was like a sugar rush with the low sugar withdrawal symptoms in between. The more I saw him, the more I needed him there.
I haven't heard anything back from him, and don't expect to. But I told him I felt better getting my feelings out in the open, rather than having them fester inside me. I love and care for myself first & foremost.
I will definitely trust my instincts.
I trust that I deserve to be treated better than what I have gotten lately.
This is were i am at in life with relationships right now...been hectic all men seem shallow no trust there