You’ve done well, haven't you, Beautiful?
You’ve behaved perfectly.
You’ve shown him he doesn’t have to worry about you being one of those women who pressures her guy into more than he's ready for. You've shown him you really can be that "cool" girl, and not the clingy, needy one he can't handle.
But what has all that done for you?
You’re more invested now. There's more to lose.
You don’t need to talk to him. You already know where he stands.
So what do you do?
Talk to yourself first.
Get clear on who you are and what you want and what you will and won’t accept. See how that lines up with what he offers you and what you’re seeing from him.
You don’t have to make a decision on him, you don’t need to have a conversation with him. What you absolutely DO need to do is go find a purpose to your life outside of him. Find a meaning outside of thinking about him.
When you live your life like he’s just one small part of it, and make yourself and your own life a priority instead of him, something will shift.
It’s a power shift you need here, more than anything to do with him and whatever's going on with him.
You already have your answers.
What you need is to get your power back. To remember who you are. To remember everything you have to offer.
To remember what it feels like to settle for something less than you deserve - and realize it's always a choice and not just something that happens to us.
It wasn’t something you said in your last text that upset him. It wasn't just the one thing you think it was. No, it was something deeper, something fundamentally wrong with everything.
You deserve something real. Someone you can actually talk to without being afraid you’ll say something to make him run just by being you!
You ALWAYS have a choice. Yes, even if he ghosts you, even if what you think you've so carefully constructed all falls apart.
It’s called choosing you.
Now how about you, Gorgeous? Are you ready to choose yourself? Tell me how you're going to do it below in the comments!
Thanks Jane - I have just found your wonderful You Tube messages and they so resonate with me. I am out of a long troubled marriage and have built up my self esteem again and ventured into the dating game again at 50! I have met a wonderful guy who has never been married or had children but I have opened my heart again to love and connection to move forward and enjoy my life. He has lived the eternal bachelor lifestyle and generally wants to catch up on his terms only - I certainly have my eyes wide open. At present though I am just enjoying his company but I realise that I have to make myself the priority and if he wants to be with me he will make the time and the effort. Doesn't every woman feel insecure about themselves - is this normal to worry if you are good enough/pretty enough/funny enough? In my logical brain I know I am all that for the right person - but this stuff takes up so much of my head space! Your words and you tube messages are calming and it is like you are a caring friend offering Sage advice - thank you!
So glad my messages are resonating with you, Sandy. And yes, you can't live in our culture without wondering if you're all those enoughs until you recognize exactly what your logical side is reminding you of; you will never be enough for the wrong person but for the right one, you'll be exactly enough just the way you are. In fact, it's those same things you're anxious about that will endear you to someone else who looks at you through eyes that can't imagine how lucky he is to have found you! Love how you're seeing me - that's exactly my intent and what I'm trying to instill in all the sensitive, emotional, feeling hearts and souls out there just like mine. Welcome!
Hi Jane
I’m actually living away from him now (6 hour drive) staying with my daughter and trying to get my life back on track with getting a new job and my own place .. I still feel I want him in my life at this stage but because I left him and moved away I think it’ll be good for us to see where this relationship is going and give us the space we both need ..
I will only see him every few weeks because of the distance (. His job is there and he lives there .. as was I until our split .. the biggest problem with us is he can’t commit to a relationship and says he just wants companionship.. after 2 years!
Also his ex wife ( of 35 years) is still causing dramas and sending him drunken messages about me being a gold digger which I get hurt about as he doesn’t see to respect me when I ask him to block her...
Sorry for ranting
Kind regards
Tina
This sounds more like you're doing the choosing now, Tina, instead of simply the recipient of whatever he decides to give you on his terms. Time and distance away are good for re-establishing your boundaries and giving you back a sense of yourself. Ignore his ex - if he doesn't, that gives you more information about him since all it takes to shut someone like this down is not giving them time, energy and attention. Keep us posted!
I am going to work on making myself happy. I have been the one to always contact him first. So maybe he is not into me.
Sounds like a plan, Mary. What someone shows us when we change the pattern they're used to tells us a lot about who they are, what they're looking for, and whether they're worth all the time and energy we spend on them!
I don't even know where to start.
Right where you are and one step at a time, Petrina. It's never easy, but you're worth it!
I have been seeing a guy for a little over 1 year and my feelings have definitely gotten stronger. I told him this past weekend that I loved him, not really wanting to but i did. I was afraid if i told him it would push him away. He held me close and told me "not to fall in love with him" that he doesn't want to break my heart. I told him i think he has feelings for me but doesn't want to admit them. He says "just be my friend". We have spent week long get aways together and time with friends and family, holidays and birthdays. He is probably my best friend right now. The problem is, he still talks to other women and meets up with them at times. We live about an hour and a half away from each other, so i don't know what he does as he doesn't know about me. It is very difficult when i leave his home or he leaves mine. But how much can i take!?? I know i could find someone else but i am so attracted by this guy it really gets to me. Maybe i just need to step back, see how bad he wants me.
Leslie, I feel for you- I've been there. If he's telling you not to fall in love with him because he doesn't want to break your heart, and he's seeing other women, the signs are pretty much there.
Hard as it is I would make the break from this guy as soon as you can. It sounds like for now he's gone as far as he's willing to, and the pain of going further on your own is heart breaking.
Like you said, step back and let him come after you if he wants you. Maybe time will make him realize, but I wouldn't plan around him. It's so difficult but you're giving everything and not getting back. With time you will be able to focus on giving all of this love and energy to someone who really wants it. Best wishes
That's your question, Leslie. How much can you take? There's your answer!
I left, if we can't have an important conversation, how is anything else going to happen.
I want to get my life back. I am a independent person never been. Married and not sure if that will ever happen. I care about my boy friend but he drives a truck and is always gone. I'm tired of wondering if he cares. He says he does love me. But I still question it. I want to look deeper into my own soul and really find out who I am.
He dumped me over stupid trivial things, but it is for the best he never made me happy. I deserve much better than him.
After reading this article, I choose myself, I have been worrying if there is something I don't do good but can't get it,, now I understand I won't change him.. I have to be me and myself.
Everything you said is true I've lost myself and my plans are to move to Flordua from S.C. in September.
Thank you so much! I sooo felt this today. I AM worthy! I choose ME❤️
Gut feeling, you know he is not as invested as you but it feels good when you are together. Stay or let go?
I have been dreaming about going back to school even at my age, I would love to go to law school. I've been angry at him for so long, until now. I shouldn't have ever thought I could change him. I'm working in not being angry anymore. It's not his fault he is who he is.
This reply is not to to the story above, it is just a plea for help.
I know I am in a situation that is not good for me. I know the he loves me but he will not say so. In fact it has been over two years and we have been intimate for those two years and yet he still says we are not dating. I need to walk away but he is my everything, I think of him all the time, I love him and when we are together I think he loves me but is afraid of commitment. I am happy and sad at the same time. I need to just walk away and let go . I have been saying this to myself for the last 2 years. And still here I am in the same situation. We spend almost every weekend together and I stay at his house over night. We travel together and do things together all the time. I just don;t have any idea what I need to do to convince him that I am the best women for him and that he really does love me. Everyone says walk away - he will miss you and come back. I cannot do that. Believe I have tried. Well, not really too hard I guess. This situation is making my whole life unhappy and miserable. Please help me.
Tracey
Good luck, but sooner or later you will find someone who is perfect for you.
Hi Jane,
This message actually hit home for me.
I had a casual relationship with a man between 2007-2010. He told me then he wasn’t looking for a relationship, however we became close. He would open up to me emotionally and then pull back. I felt there was something more. But, eventually life happened, we moved to different cities, and our relationship just faded.
Fast forward, he contacts me in 7 years later. We stay in touch over text. I then move closer to his city, because of work. Had a meeting in his city, and we saw each other. I thought my feelings were no longer there, they were. We start seeing each other casually...again. 😑 Anyways, I never revealed my feelings to him years ago. I’ve known this guy for years, so I told him that I was interested in being more than friends. I didn’t want to rush him into a commitment, but I wanted us get to know each other and spend more quality time together. He seem to be open to it. But now 2 years have passed, there really has been no progress.
A month ago I was at his home, he was being insensitive towards me, during sex at that. I usually have tough skin, but not this time. I asked him about his behavior, instead of apologizing he made excuses like I was being too sensitive. He asked if I wanted to watch a movie, like watching a movie would fix everything. So that’s when I finally chose me, and made my exit. I just got up, in the middle of the night told him I was leaving. 2 years of being understanding because he was healing from a previous messy break up with a child involved. I was exhausted. I felt no need to argue or explain to him. I just left.
You asked him. That's all you needed to do. It takes so little to reveal him for who he is, Pam. No, he didn't apologize, he put it on you. You're too sensitive. THIS is why I'm here, advocating for your beautiful sensitive sides, reminding you you're never too much for someone who's actually someone for you! If we take this the way we usually do - the way we were programmed as good little girls to do - we accept the judgment and even apologize for OUR behavior. You found out he can't accept responsibility, he can't look within, he responds by projecting on to you. I have a feeling he only confirms what you already knew. Yes, it's sad, yes, it's heartbreaking, and yes, you could learn how to communicate with him in a way that keeps the relationship going, but if you're exhausted now, are you up for that? It's why we can't pretend, we can't lie to ourselves, we can't keep doing this over and over again. And yes, it's heartbreaking even as we know we're doing the right thing. My heart goes out to you, Pam. Story of my life and the women I work with right here. Saddest part is what it does to us when we buy into the lie that it's our fault and we need to be more of something or less of something else to change it. We don't!