Who benefits from you believing you have to be perfect to be loved? Who gets rewarded when you hold the belief that you have to be something different than who you already are to "get" a guy, especially one of the good ones?
Who?
Is it you?
No, of course not.
These beliefs only keep you striving, trying too hard, discontented, lost, constantly searching for how to be better, different, and more perfect than who you already are.
We spend all our time, energy and money trying to gain that illusion of perfection that we don't even realize is only an illusion because we believe if we finally get it right, everything else will suddenly fall into place.
All those messages we've been told from the time we were old enough to read or watch TV or be marketed to in so many different ways, they've all told us the same thing.
That there's somehow something wrong with who we are and we have to buy our way into perfection with just the right body size, clothes, hair, skin, and everything else that's marketed to us.
No, this doesn't benefit you!
It serves the interests of those marketing it to you in ways that profit them, not you.
What if you were enough just the way you are? What if you didn't need to constantly be striving to be perfect with no end in sight because your best can never be enough when the competition includes too many other women with their own best versions in the only categories our culture models for you?
I know this is deep.
I know it's so much easier to simply be told to just do this or that to find the love you're looking for, but nothing you do or say will make more of a difference in your life - your love life, your work life, and every area of the rest of your life - than when you get to the root of your beliefs.
Thanks for bearing with me. I have to include the depths in with the basic advice I give you because your happiness, your self-confidence, your understanding of why you're worthy instead of repeating someone else's mantra for you, is worth everything to me!
I didn't figure out any of this until so much of my life had been wasted on all the wrong men, all the wrong pursuits, amid so many regrets.
Of course we all do the best we can with what we know at the time, but if you can change it now, if you can still do something about this to make some positive changes in your life, what have you got to lose?
Nothing!
I'm here to make sure you know better NOW so you can make better decisions with everything that affects your beautiful life starting today! It's not the impossible dream, it's steps away from your new reality.
And it starts by asking the deeper questions that deep down you've always known the answers to.
Love,
Jane
How are you feeling today, Beautiful? Are you hurting? Struggling? Feeling better because you finally did what you've been needing to do for awhile? I love hearing from you! Tell me all about it in the comments below.
Thankyou.
Hi Jane, I’m hurting. I’m struggling. My heart is broken.
I'm so sorry, VG. How can I help?
Thank you so much, your teachings really helped me to believe in myself.
Thanks Jane, I'm in the midst of learning this lesson now. It's massive! I split with a man in July last year, there was a lot of love there but he had disengaged. In 2 years in each others lives, his pattern has been to go all in, then at some stage spiral into doubt about being in a relationship. He'd get overwhelmed, shut down and only be able to say 'I don't know'.
I initiated the break up in frustration ... and even though he was clearly heartbroken he just let it happen. It was a tough time but it was the catalyst of huge change within myself. I realized how my anxiety and fear of abandonment left me clinging/grasping for his love. It was ugly to see that in myself! I focused on me, began seeing a therapist and found your videos. Empowering myself.
We were in touch for a month or two late last year. He was giving me lots of mixed messages, his energy and actions were indicating we were heading back to reunion. With my newfound way of communicating, I brought the topic of us up ... and he said no to a relationship (finally he said something other than I don't know!), but then the next week backtracked into mixed messages. Argh.
I took a step back and he stopped contacting me (unusual for him). The seed of hope was replanted though and I was left wondering 'what if'? I felt compelled to write him a letter, putting it out there. But being aware of not being attached to an outcome and certain that it was more for me. I was hesitant to send it. But he got in touch 2 months later, just to say hello and see if I wanted to catch up. Hmmm.
At that point I sent my email. This was in early Jan. I got a lovely acknowledgement of my email when he read it that night, and a few weeks ago a half-hearted attempt to catch up .... and complete silence! I'm pleased I've remained *mostly* calm (oh I'm disappointed and pissed as well) and have NOT chased/pushed for an answer. This is an extraordinary change in me. I still love him deeply but I'm at a point now where silence is an answer and I'm working at making my own closure. At least he seems to have heard me about not giving me mixed messages anymore.
I think it would've been very tempting throughout this process to reach out to him, and say - look, I've healed my unhealthy relationship patterns, I'm 'fixed', I've got more tools now so we can relate better and have an amazing relationship ... But really, that'd be me being overly accommodating. The more important question for me is, well has HE also done the inner work? I understand now that I AM amazing and I AM a great partner. But I'm not perfect and the right man will work with me and my imperfections. And vice-versa of course. Thanks for reading my essay! And thanks for your wisdom and support xx
It's so difficult trying to make someone be and act like we want them to. After years of heartbreak, broken relationships, disappoints, I think I'm finally realizing that I just can't keep compromising and making exceptions for men that don't give me what I need and drain me of what they need. I can't make them be who I want.
My point I guess is that we all know in our hearts if a man is right for us and if we get that feeling that he's in it with us. Hard as it is, knowing the alternative of being alone, I opt for that over the pain of compromise and questioning myself about what I'm doing and whether I've said/done the right thing. Letting go is so difficult but in the long run how do we ever meet that special one if we keep holding on to what isn't there?
Exactly, Julia!
I am so confused,angry, empty,lost,and hurt. I was dealing with a guy who I thought was a dream come true. Things were so good at first but as time went on we just seem be going in different directions. I wanted more,he didn't have the time to give me more then. Then, some serious trauma hit both of us... He got shot and was in a coma for almost 2 months but was in the hospital for 3 and a half months. During his time in the hospital I was not able to see him,talk to him,touch him, or reassure him that I was there waiting, so I relied on his Mom to deliver messages ( even though he couldn't talk due to him being in a coma), he could still hear. Days went by and one night a got a phone call from a strange number which turned out to be him. I cried and was just so emotional and heart 💔 that I heard his voice but it was so new. He sounded nothing like the man I knew before. We talked everyday but one particular day was what changed everything. I was going out if town with my kids( we don't have any kids together, in which case he has none). I talked to him but he was busy so I went on my day . That night I didn't talk to him. The following day I didn't reach out until mid afternoon due to me being tired and doing so much with my kids. We ended up arguing and the end result was me distancing myself from him while he recovered because I felt that was the right thing to do. Well, it had been at least a month after that last conversation and I felt guilty for leaving him in that time of need. Fast forward, he's out the hospital,comes by to see me and the energy wasn't the same at all. As time went on we saw one another but at this point,we weren't in a relationship and things were more distant than ever. Time goes on and i want more of him,his time,but he can't give me that. Since he got out the hospital and is doing very well now, I've had conversations with him about my feelings and all he can say in reply is that he just enjoys each day he is able to talk and laugh with me. Things were on a just see him for sex path and I was tired of that. It went from him spending time with me,to straight sex set ups. About 2 weeks ago I decided that if I couldn't have all of him I didn't want anything. But why do I feel hurt? Why do I feel empty? He was my best friend. I told him things I never had the strength to tell even my mom about. I miss him so much and I know he misses me but I felt if I continued to let the situation go the way it was going,I'd be more hurt down the line. See,when I love someone,really love someone,I can't settle for half of them. I don't know if I'm being selfish,but i told him that it would be better if I let him go and he find someone who will give him what he truly deserves. I felt I should have really told him that I really couldn't settle for less than what I want and deserve. I feel he took me for granted or just didn't really love me the way I loved him because his reply to everything I texted him was a simple "Dam"! I am now simply confused on his feelings towards me. I don't know if I did the right thing. My friend says yes because she thinks he's not the one for me and I'm in disbelief of that but I just don't know how to feel. I'm trying to stay focus and move on but it's really hard because my bed has so many memories, pictures,fun times.. I wanna text,call, write, anything just to get some kind of response but I feel I'd be looking desperate. I love him but I just feel right now,maybe distant is what I need to give him. Where do I go from here though?????
You miss him like this because you didn't do what you did because you wanted to; you did it because you had to. Unless you can change the part of you can't settle for half of them when you really love them, you're only fighting yourself, Latasha. This is exactly how we torment ourselves! Make your decision; decide what you can live with and what you can't, not what someone else says you should or shouldn't be able to put up with. Unless it comes from you, you won't make peace with yourself. If you didn't attach the label "desperate", what would you do?
I'm in relationship with a great guy and when we are together I feel confident and secure. But when we are apart I'm consumed with feelings of insecurity and feel absolutely convinced he will dump me at any moment. It's exhausting.
Is it him or your anxiety giving you these messages, Shannon? I answered this question here.
I feel okay in a sense that I know I’m part of a greater being, our own self is so insignificant but remarkable in its own way. I love you. I feel steady, I feel like I have some pain in sacrum, yet I feel well and feel I’m open. Many blessings in your day 😇
Thank you, Liisa. The same to you!
I have been separated from my husband just a little over two months. He left because he said l did not value or respect him. I am not perfect but l am willing to do whatever he asked me to do to be the good wife for him. We have been spending time together yet he is very stubborn and does not have a forgiving heart he really thinks l don’t love him yet l am doing everything l know how to do to prove to him that l do
This is so hard, Tracy. How I feel for you. Try to find yourself again. Don't focus on him. When you feel good about yourself, he doesn't know it but he'll benefit more from that than anything else you could do. Contact me if you want help with this. Its roots are in co-dependency, but there's still so much you can do! I've been here before, too.
I'm not enough for the man I'm in love with. I'm insecure and I hate it. I get mad and say mean , hurtful things to him, that I immediately want to take back but it's too late. I've done it too many times and he won't forgive me again.
It's over and I feel sick.
Trust me l totally understand how you feel l am going through the same thing we as woman myself included have to learn to breath life into a man versus tearing him down. I am praying for you
Stop looking for him - or any man - or anyone! - to forgive you, Shelby. This is the WORST thing we can do to our sensitive hearts and souls. Forgive yourself, find yourself again, and it will never be too late again.
Thank you for this excellent lesson..
So glad this resonated with you, Mandy.