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How Do I Recover from a Narcissist (and Make Sure I Never Fall for One Again)?

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sad woman walking on the city street at sunset

Our letter this week comes from Andrea, who's recovering from her marriage to a narcissist. She wrote to me wanting to know more about these men, and how she can keep from finding herself in a relationship with one again.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

Could you write some information on narcissists?

I realized when I was 42 years old that my father is a text book case narcissist. I grew up in a crazy household due to his narcissism and watched my parents have a toxic marriage.

They are still married. (Don’t  ask me why except that my mom has been so beaten down and destroyed emotionally by him for so many years that, at the age of 70, she stays.) She truly is a prisoner living with him.

His narcissism has gotten worse as he has aged too. I learned in my college years to handle him by distancing myself from him because he is so toxic.Continue Reading

That thing you said. That thing you did.

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A beautiful woman with her face in her hands because her self esteem is so low.
You just can't let it go.

You can't sleep.

It's that thing you said. It's that thing you did.

You can't let it go.

And it's not just what you said or did; it's how messed up everything became after.

You beat yourself up. Again.

You think about apologizing for the bazillionth time. Again.

If you could put a finger on it, you'd realize what you really can't let go of isn't really that thing you said or did; it's that all you want is for someone to just, for once, have some grace and compassion and understanding for you.

Yes, you.Continue Reading

He Lied to Me

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A beautiful woman is feeling sad and broken hearted about her relationship.
I feel so betrayed and used.

Our letter this week comes from one of our beautiful readers, Renee, who just found out last week that the man she was planning her future with, lied to her. She's heartbroken and doesn't know where to start with moving on with her life. Here's what she had to say along with my response.

Her story:

Hello Jane,

I found your blog while searching for an answer to my question in Google.

I have been dating this guy for almost 4 months. I introduced him to my friends and family. My friends and family accepted him; he is the first guy I introduced to them. We planned our future and decided to get married this summer. I know people are questioning us why it's so quick when we just met.

Last week, I found out that he was married.

When I called him and asked him if it is true, he said yes, that he got married 6 years ago but that they already separated and his wife has her own family now.

I asked him why he lied not just to me, he lied to all the people around us.

He said he is single, and he doesn't want to talk about his past anymore.Continue Reading

Who benefits?

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A woman is standing near a railing looking over the water, thinking about letting go of her relationship.
It only keeps you trying too hard.

Who benefits from you believing you have to be perfect to be loved? Who gets rewarded when you hold the belief that you have to be something different than who you already are to "get" a guy, especially one of the good ones?

Who?

Is it you?

No, of course not.

These beliefs only keep you striving, trying too hard, discontented, lost, constantly searching for how to be better, different, and more perfect than who you already are.

We spend all our time, energy and money trying to gain that illusion of perfection that we don't even realize is only an illusion because we believe if we finally get it right, everything else will suddenly fall into place.

All those messages we've been told from the time we were old enough to read or watch TV or be marketed to in so many different ways, they've all told us the same thing.Continue Reading

He Ignores My Messages

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A woman looks at her phone wondering why he stopped texting.
He suddenly stopped messaging or even responding to me!

Our letter today comes from one of our beautiful readers around the world, who I'll call Louisa.

She's wondering about the behaviour of a guy she's been in contact with for two and a half months, after meeting him doing an archaelogical dig.

Regardless of where in the world you are, I think you'll find the same thing I've discovered in getting to know so many of you; that there are others just like you, with the same beautiful hearts and souls, everywhere on this beautiful planet of ours. I hope hearing from these women each week helps remind you of that, and makes you feel a little less ashamed to be you and a whole lot less alone.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have met a guy during archaeological excavations. We liked each other and we said that to each other.

We have a lot in common, but we kept some distance, not becoming very close with each other because we knew we would be separated soon in our countries and that would be sad.Continue Reading

You Know When it Happens?

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A beautiful woman is feeling lonely and sad, feeling as though nothing will ever change.
It's so hard to believe anything could possibly be any different.

You know when it happens for you, Beautiful? The moment right after you think it won't.

The very next moment after you think all hope is lost, that nothing's ever going to change for you, that you're simply destined to be alone forever, that you're simply one of the unlucky ones and that's never going to change.

That's when.

We think we'll know when we're getting close. That we'll somehow hear that voice along the way that tells us it's right around the corner.

But, Beautiful, it doesn't happen like that. Right up to the moment right before you know for sure, you won't believe anything could possibly be any different.

Until it is.

I hear this all the time.Continue Reading

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