It was just a comment that came into my inbox, but it was these words that caught my attention enough to know there was something more that needed to be said.
Why?
Because I've said those exact same words myself and I know so many of you have, too.
How many of us have felt these same words? When we're loved, we're beautiful. When we're no longer loved, we're no longer beautiful.
Isn't that what we feel?
There's no shortage of messages we receive that tell us we're beautiful when we're loved. There's no shortage of confirmation of those words from even our well-meaning friends and family who comment on how radiant we look when we're basking in someone's love.
We get the message.
And when that love comes crashing down around us, when he can't commit, when he goes distant or completely silent and ghosts us, we feel we're no longer beautiful anymore.
It's a travesty.
What was once our culture's or our family's belief for us becomes our own.
We only feel beautiful when there's someone to love us. When that love changes or we lose that lose, we lose that feeling as well.
Can we please take this back, starting right now?
If someone doesn't choose to love you, it's not on you.
If someone isn't capable of seeing you, of appreciating you, of valuing who you are and everything you offer, none of this is on you.
They have their individual preferences just like you do. And they have their quirks, their idiosyncrasies and the particlar lens they look through that colors everything about who they love and who they don't, and what they're not capable or willing to put the effort into.
None of this is on you!
If it's not a match, if you're both not on the same page in terms of what you want and what you're willing to do to work together to make that happen, fighting that reality for a nugget of the feeling of beautiful will never, ever be worth what it does to you in the process.
You know what doesn't feel beautiful?
Being lonely in a relationship made for two when you're the only one making an effort. Fighting for something that's only a fantasy because you're holding on so tightly to a dream he doesn't share.
And most of all, placing your worth - your beautifulness - on another imperfect human being who can never live up to your expectations for him. Not because your expectations are too much, but because he isn't the right one for you!
Take your worth back. Take your worth that's measured by how beautiful you are when you're with someone back. Take this feeling of being loved that you're equating with being beautiful back where it belongs - with you.
You were beautiful before him.
You were beautiful with him.
And you'll be beautiful after him.
Because you never stopped being beautiful.
And one of these days, we're going to stop tying are worth to any him, to any message our culture gave us about attaching our worth to him, and reclaim our own inherent power for ourselves.
You're beautiful just as you are - with or without someone to love you!
Love,
Jane
How about you, Gorgeous? Have you ever found yourself here? Share your story with us in the comments. I have a feeling you're going to find you're not alone.
I have felt this way so often. I am in a relationship right now. In a way not feeling too loved. It hurts
Yes! I'm there right now. Some days better than others. But truth is, when the doors close and all of the daily conversations have ceased, I feel so lonely, sad, unattractive and regretful. Regretting that I did not accept him back when he attempted to come back. However, not sure I would've been 100% happy or content in lieu of the reason for our departure or his current circumstances. Either way, I don't like feeling this way and pray to God it gets better!
That's the crack you needed to see, Veni. If you're questioning at all whether you would have been happy with him at this most vulnerable time when our vision is mostly through rose-colored glasses not the lens of reality, there's more truth to this than you realize. See what else you can see through that crack that's letting the light in. Sounds like there was a pretty good reason you didn't let him come back. Would you feel better if you gave yourself permission to trust yourself?
I just went through 10 months getting to know someone on Instagram, discussing personal lives, feelings and basically being told someone loved me and wanted to make me happy for the rest of my life. He was about to return home for Christmas and wanted to see me at least one day after visiting his family.
Then I was sent this almost erotic dream he said he had about me, told me he could not help his feelings for me and said I am the first thought he has in morning and last thought at night and he loves me.
Then, he blocked me...or his profile was deleted or Instagram removed his account. I will never know.
I feel hurt, abused and at holiday...this has taken all my hope at feeling for someone again and shattered it. I have been divorced for more than 20 yrs. It was foolish to believe an online romance? I do not know how to trust or care for any man now.
This has been horrible, it confused my emotions and used my love and care.
His level of immaturity is staggering, dmk. Don't take his behaviour on yourself! He's ONE guy. One. Don't let him and his lack of maturity and his inability to conduct himself in a responsible adult manner colour the rest of your experiences with men. Someone who professes to want to make you happy for the rest of your life is someone who may have more of a fantasy approach to relationships than one based in reality, but without knowing more about him or you personally, it's hard to know clearly what happened here. He doesn't get to take your hope along with him, though. That's yours. You'll have hope again with someone who gives you a real reason to hope again. Just because it wasn't him, doesn't mean it won't happen again with someone who's actually going to be grown up enough to walk through a real relationship with you!
I so needed to read this right now Thank you so very much
Oh I'm so glad, Shirley. I'll remind you of this whenever you need me to!
Blessings thanking you all for sharing ! Knowing your not alone in being Ghosted ? Ahhh. What is the internet doing to communicating from the heart and soul fortunately it doesn’t take me time to pick up and get on to dating again and getting dozens off Your beautiful messages again as I love myself I was filled with it in India 30 yrs ago by Sai Baba the best experience of my life bar none and it wasn’t love for him or others but giving me back to myself ! Filled to Absolute overflowing And then able to teach others how important to love yourself ! I attracted a loving partner then as you attract what you are 🤪💖🌹🙏
Loving yourself is a beautiful thing, Val. Sounds like you're discovering this, too!
That's how I feel. How crazy is that???
Not crazy, Kelly. Understandable! Replace those words you're so used to using with "understandable given what I've been through". That's grace. For yourself. ❤