How Do I Get Him Back?

There is nothing more heartbreaking than the words coming from someone who fears they've lost the one person they've poured their heart and soul into and are looking for help to get them back.

It's heartbreaking because of what they're going through. And it's even more heartbreaking because the answer I have to share with them is rarely ever the simple one they were hoping to hear.

Because yes, you can get someone back. But it's not as simple as saying just the right words, or sending the perfect texts in just the right sequence or anything remotely similar to a formula.

No, the reality is, getting him back requires two things. One you have control over and one you don't.

Why am I telling you this? Because there's someone going through this right now, and it's her letter I'm sharing with you today.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

My ex and I were together for 14 years with 4 children. He thinks I cheated on him but I didn't.

He doesn't trust me and he says he doesn't love me due to this untrust. I have been honest with him about everything.

We still live together with our children and his brother.

We now haven't been together for 9 months.

How do I get him back?

- Tanya

My Response:

Oh Tanya, this question always breaks my heart.

Because the reality is, getting him back requires two things. The first one, which you have control over, is you being willing and able to do whatever he needs you to do to get him back. The second one is up to him - he has to be open to giving you the two of you another chance.

So here's what you need to get clear on first.

Why do you want him back? Is it about him? Or is it more about how it feels to you to know that someone doesn't believe you, doesn't trust you and refuses to give the two of you another chance?

This distinction is important because the fact that you're with someone who would accuse you of something you haven't done is very concerning.

Where is this coming from? Is he trying to find something to end the relationship with, or does he truly believe it?

If you didn't cheat on him, and you've explained this to him and he won't believe you, what's going on here must be deeper than just the incident that has him standing his ground like this.

14 years and 4 children is a really long time with a lot of investment in 4 innocent lives. It's worth fighting for, but you can't be the only one fighting for it.

Figure out why you want him back. Is it for the sake of the kids, is it for you, because you're not prepared to start over after all these years, or is it because you genuinely love him?

And if you do genuinely love him, if you want him back because this is about a man you love so much you don't want to lose him, then start with a new conversation with him.

Tell him you want to go back to the way things used to be, but obviously you need to have some conversations around trust and you want to honor his feelings around this subject.

Ask him what he would need from you to trust you again.

Be clear. Be specific.

If he tells you there's nothing, that it's over, that there's no talking about it, you've got a clear answer from him. Begging him to reconsider or anything along those lines, isn't going to change his mind right now.

Instead, accept his answer even though it's the last thing you want to hear. Give him space, go live your own life as much as you can still living with him and your kids and his brother, and make plans for what you're going to do to move on from here.

Do you stay with him? Do you work out custody of the kids? Do you make the decisions you need to make for yourself so that you don't spend any more than the 9 months you've already spent trying to get him back?

See, if there's any chance of the two of you getting back together, you've got to have some space now so he can have a chance to change his mind when he sees you're actually moving on and even considering living without him.

He can't do that when everything's still the same except you're not actually together according to whatever criteria he's defining that by.

You have to accept that you can't change him; you can only inspire him to fall back in love with you, and give you a chance to show him you can trust him again.

Unless this is made up, Tanya. Unless he wants to believe what he chooses to believe and not anything you can say or do can change that for him.

Ask him this. Give him the chance to be honest with you about this part, too.

If he wants out, if he was looking for a reason, ask yourself why you still want someone who needed an excuse like this - like you cheating on him, like you not being trustworthy - rather than just being a man who could be honest with you himself.

Is he just projecting this onto you to make it easier for him?

If that's the case, it's time to figure out the practical realities of those difficult subjects of living arrangements, kids, and finances to allow you to set yourself free.

I hope this helps, Tanya.

Without knowing more of the specifics, it's hard to give you the situation-specific answers you're looking for, but I hope this gives you some questions to ask yourself and him, and some support to get some semblance of your power back again.

Love,

Jane

What about you? Did Tanya's story speak to you? Share your thoughts and advice for her in the comments below.