It feels so personal, doesn't it?
When he says "It’s going good just the way it is, let’s not mess with it", you just can't help it. You think it's because of you.
"I must not be enough", you tell yourself.
Or I must be too much. Or, in other words, "There must be something wrong with me that I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and it's STILL not enough to get him to commit to me."
So let's clear this up right now before you go any further with why this is somehow your fault that you're stalled in the in-between zone.
It's not because of you.
It's because of what any deeper of a commitment to you represents to him!
What if, for all he’s supposed to be ready for because you are just that perfect, what if that's not what does it for him because all he feels is pressure to be that responsible guy and he's not feeling up to that pressure?
What if it only serves to make him feel more of those feelings of doubt and inadequacy he keeps hidden because of everything he’s got built up in his mind about what it means to take that next step of starting his own family with a wife and maybe down the road some kids and all the responsibility that entails?
What if he’s suddenly struck with the realization that HE’s not up to the task, and it has nothing to do with you?
And what if when he looks at you and sees how “perfect” you are, he only feels he’s letting you down? What if you add to that all the expectations he’s carrying with him in his programming of how women think, how he's heard that women can be manipulative, how everything changes after marriage, how you’re going to turn into something else and all those other cultural messages of what happens next to the two of you?
What if THAT is everything that's keeping him from committing to you, and nothing personal at all to do with you - except how perfect you are for him?
That’s a lot for him to have to be ready for if he's not.
I know it seems so counterintuitive to you that someone could meet the perfect person for him and find that scares him off rather than brings him closer - but I see it and hear it happening all the time!
But there's something else here that's happening, too. If there is where you find yourself right now, there is still so much you have control over that you CAN do! It starts with your communication. How you talk to this guy you're still wanting to believe could be the one matters more than anything else you could do. Communicate with him like he's a regular, average, every-day person, not a guy who holds the key to your future - or your happiness.
Talk to him like he's your equal.
I know I talk a lot about this, but there's a really important reason. When we forget we're doing the choosing - that we can walk away to find someone who's on our page right now or we can choose to stay with him and wait to see if he comes around - there's a shift in the energy dynamics between the two of you.
Suddenly, it's all about him and all on him. And that means so much more pressure on him!
Why does this matter?
Because not all of you are ready to walk. Not all of you are choosing to leave to find that someone else who IS on your page and ready for the same committed relationship you're ready for.
If this is you, don't fight with yourself about it. Just remember you're doing the choosing and make your choice - as long as it's one you can actually live with.
Think about him this way. If he feels like he’s supposed to be in charge and taking care of you, and responsible for how you think and how you feel and he can’t admit that he’s scared and feeling some pretty unknown feelings coming up for him that don’t fit easily into his definition of “being a man” that he grew up with, he’s going to feel inadequate and ashamed and definitely won’t be able to share this part of himself with you.
Worse, he may feel the only way to deflect this off him is to put this on you which leads to all kinds of other issues.
What you CAN do when it's your guy we're talking about here, is not look to him to be your knight in shining armor. What you CAN do is recognize the difference between a real guy who feels things like pressure and doesn't always know how to communicate those feelings or to deal with them for himself, and the fantasy guy we've been sold on in the movies who can handle anything, even his own feelings.
And what you CAN do is own your own programming, and not make him responsible for it.
You both have it. You're both human.
The only question that remains, is whether the two of you together can do what it takes to make it work - together. There's a reason why the most perfect man for you is going to be someone who's both your best friend and someone you're also attracted to.
That's no fantasy. That's reality!
How about you, Beautiful? Are you putting him on a pedestal? Stop. Take him down. He's human, too. Now let's allow him (and you) to be. No more perfect. You're perfect enough just as you are! Tell me all about it in the comments below.
Jane,
What do you say to a guy who can't commit but calls one day saying he loves you and wants
an exclusive relationship with you. Then the next day he acts like he never said those words.
He stops calling and if you question him as to why, he just saids: it is what it is, it's complicated....we are talking about a 57 yr old man who just keeps me hanging. Everytime I end it, he waits a while then calls again as though nothing happened. Never apologizing and acts like he has done nothing wrong when in reality he has hurt me over and over again. I have stopped talking to him again and this time I mean it. I don't see him ever changing after6 years.
Men with this pattern don't change, Anne Marie. They simply move on to someone else when their behavior no longer elicits a response from you. He's shown you by his actions and his words that he's not willing to take responsibility for himself or any relationship he has with you by hiding behind "it is what is, it's complicated", instead of doing something about it. Of course he can do something to change this! But only if he wants to and he's not giving you any indication of this. You have to decide if the contact you have with him is worth letting him hurt you over and over again. He won't/can't see how he's hurting you; but you can stop the hurting right here by refusing to let him hurt you ever again. There's someone else out there for you!
I've been in my relationship with my man for almost a year and a half.
He has, for the past few months, placed me into the "friend" zone.
He's says it's his work, he says I'm "perfect" and that it's him and has nothing to do with me. He's not sure what he wants.
My guy is completely aware of what I'm wanting with him.
He has asked me to just give him his time and space.
He is happy with the way things are.
I'm independent and do well on my own. I have my own life.
So, I'm living it. I'm working on cencentrating on being connected with him as opposed to focusing on the commitment.
He is not an emotional man. Although he feels deeply yet can not express his feelings.
He told me to leave things alone or he will walk away completely.
He avoids conflict at all costs and runs away.
As much as I'm doing my own thing, it's still weighing on me.
I don't want to walk away. I'm not ready to.
Anything you can offer me to start using to encourage him to take this leap of faith with me would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for you time,
Carolyn
He has said to you " I am ready to walk away from your life than commit to you" and you have said what in return " I'll have you any way you want me to have you as I would rather be hurt than get the commitment i want from you". You've said this by settling for his terms.
You cannot make him love you, take a leap of faith for you. You can only do what is best for you, move on or stay and manage whatever he gives you.
Choose wisely, time really does fly.
All the best
So don't walk away until you're ready, Carolyn. Instead, every day ask yourself if you're still going to choose to be with him today. Ask yourself that tomorrow, and the next day and the next. Take note of how many times you choose him, and how many times you don't. Notice any patterns here. This gives you something to focus on besides him and his behavior - and gives you your power back to decide to keep choosing to be with him or decide not to whenever you're ready. You're in control here. I'm working with a woman going through this right now. These little steps to remembering your power and your ability to choose to be with him or not every day, regardless of what does or doesn't do, allows you to shift something inside you that starts to change something bigger on the outside. If you don't answer to anyone else but you, what do you choose to do with him today? What is it worth to you to be with him? What isn't it worth to be with him? You can do this! One day at a time.
Thank you for this article, this is exactly what is happening to me, pulled away from me for 5 days and then texted and called. I asked him after that on where our relationship is going and asked me not to pressure him just leave things as is, then he said maybe I am not the right man for you and we should go separate ways. I responded with yes we should, wished him the best, told him to take care of himself not just to work but enjoy life and that I will always love him. Well he didn’t let go kept calling and texting till a few days ago he stopped all contact. Not sure if he will reach out to me again or not but I decided to go online dating again just to meet and see what’s out there. I know I will find someone who is more open with his emotions at the same time I sure miss him since we have been going out for 7 months the only other problems was long distance 7 hours between us, don’t know why things have to be so complicated.
They're not complicated because of you, Maria!
Yes. I have put him on a pedestal. He is that great. I understand how that can add to pressure. You explained that very well.
That will help. I'm sure. I've been happy with our relationship. I think I get what I need to do. He hasn't said he isn't happy with me. He said he needs time to figure out what he wants. He has always been honest. I have no reason to think any of this is about me.
And what do you need time for, Robin? You're absolutely right it isn't about you. Also, why is he "that great"?
I have known him every since he was 4 years old and we have spent alot of time around one another but I was married and my husband uncle was married to this guys mom as we grew up he had a crush on me for a long time and has always wanted me to be his girl then my husband passed away 3years ago this December he kept asking me to give him a chance but I kept saying no until about a year and 1/2 I decided to give him a chance everything was going great now we have been seeing each other for a year and 6 months now things have changed he doesn't act like he cares at all but he keeps telling me he truly loves me every time I say if I'm not what you want please just tell me so I'm lost
I am me. I treat a man how I like to be treated . I desire unconditional love. I have given every man this.. yet feel like I get burned everytime. Why can't people just be honest. If a guy needs to have time to himself than just say it. We are adults. I would have more respect for someone than to just stop chatting all together.
Dating after 50 sucks to say the least.
Hey Lisa- Dating over 50 really does suck! Why- because most of them have been there- done that, know how to play the game, have had the relationships and games they wanted in the past and at this age- how many of them really are looking to remarry and frankly commit. Can't say all of them but the majority I've met are looking to just have fun and find someone to take care of them.
We need to stand up for ourselves because our needs matter too. Why should we always settle. I was on a dating site for a while and it was horrific! I promised myself I would never do that again, seems even at this age they still play the same games.
I want someone to want and love me for me, not me always accepting their terms and being the one to take them back, accept when they let me don't or don't have time to fit me in right now. It's taken a long time but I know now that no matter how lonely it is, I still have me and no on is going to compromise that. I'd rather be alone than settle for what I don't really want just to have a man around.
Hang in there!