My Ex Has Moved On With Someone Else but He Says He Still Loves Me

Our letter this week is a short one. In fact, it's a sentence. But in that one sentence, our beautiful reader Amy asks a question that's so relevant because of what it unearths. Read on to find out why ...

Her Question:

Why is it an ex that I still hold dear to my heart and love more than the sun, and to the moon and back, will message my friend that he still loves me but won't tell me, and is with someone else and moved with her to our planned future city to live in?

-Amy

My Response:

Why does anyone do what they do?

We have so many emotions that come up when it’s happening to us because when we’re in it, when it’s happening to us, we can’t see it with the objective detached view that we normally hold when it’s about someone else.

So I have a suggestion for you to use whenever the question “why” comes up – whether it’s this letter I’m answering for Amy, or whether it’s concerning whatever happens to be going on in your own individual situation.

Instead of looking at what he’s doing that’s causing you to ask why in the first place and taking that personally, or questioning how he could say or do this thing to you after all you’ve given or shown him, or done for him, or whatever your particular thing happens to me, I want you to try doing something else instead.

That something else is looking at how his actions or behavior work for him.

How does it serve him? How does it work for him?

We know it doesn’t work for you, that’s what you know for sure. But when people do something, there’s a reason. Even if that underlying reason is subconscious, there’s still a reason.

They may not be aware of that reason because they’ve either blocked it or have never looked deeper beyond the surface of doing what gives them relief or makes their life easier for them or makes them feel better or keeps them from feeling bad or whatever their reason happens to be.

But the end result is still the same.

That they’re doing what they’re choosing to do because it works for whatever that reason may be – for them.

So now, read what you wrote here through the view that it isn’t personal, that his actions are focused on him, not about you but on what makes his life easier or better or allows him to avoid conflict, or looking within, or whatever – you get my point here, I hope.

When you read it that way, can you see the answer here starting to become clear to you?

I’ll walk through this with you.

The first thing you see when you take the personal feeling of how it feels to you out of this (i.e that it hurts that he’s with some other women in a city the two of you planned to live in together -and of course that does!) is that this guy won’t tell you he loves you directly, but indirectly tells your friend that he still does.

We’re looking at the practical reality of the facts here without the emotion of your heart and how this feels to you.

Yes, your feelings are there for a reason, but in this case, they cloud our ability to see what’s real and what isn’t and you absolutely need to be able to see this objectively if you’re going to avoid being caught up in the fantasy about what might be going on with him!

There is no fantasy here. There’s just a guy who you still love and care about, telling your friend he loves you still too, but then his actions tell an entirely different story.

Why would someone who still loves you be with someone else? And not just with someone else, but he’s taken the actual action step of moving with her to your planned future city to live in?

Why does someone do this?

Well, when you’re not looking at this situation through all those emotions (that, yes, are valuable, but not here when you’re trying to see objectively what’s really going on beyond the way it feels to you), you can see that he’s showing you with those same actions that he’s with someone else, that he’s moved on, and that he’s moved on to the exact same place you and he were planning to move to.

And as sad as that may be for you, you deserve to allow yourself to see reality, Amy, and not just some other fantasy-based version of what you want to believe it could mean instead.

Even if he’s just playing games and really still loves you and is only doing this because of her money, or her influence, or her connections, or something else she’s giving him that works more for him than what being with you does for him right now - is that the guy you want? Is the kind of guy who could do this and still be in love with you, the kind of guy you choose to be with?

You may still hold him dear to your heart and love him to the moon and stars but I have to ask you, why? Is it the idea of him – like so many of us discover when we actually look at what about his behavior now, right there in front of us, gives us reason to love him like this?

I don’t know him and I don’t know you, Amy. But I know that a love like you’re describing here in you is a beautiful thing, and it’s a really sad thing when it’s wasted on someone who’s clearly moved on but has the audacity to still want to keep a piece of that love somewhere in his back pocket in case this new thing doesn’t work out.

Sounds like it’s time to focus on you and all the things that make you beautiful and capable of a love that could love someone to the moon and stars and hold someone dear to your heart even in the midst of these circumstances. Someone’s going to be the luckiest guy in the world to find that in you, Amy. And it doesn’t sound like it’s going to be him.

His loss. Your gain.

You’re free now for someone who can actually see you, who can actually appreciate a love like yours without telling you what you want to hear to keep you hanging on to some hope that if you love deep enough or hold someone close enough to your heart, he’ll somehow come around.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

What about you? Do you have your own "why?" I'd love to hear your question in the comments below!