No, you're not supposed to know all this without someone teaching it to you.
No, you shouldn't be able to just walk away.
And while we're here, no, there isn't anything wrong with you if you're "still" single.
Even today there's still such a stigma with being single for those of us in our culture who aren't single by choice, who long to be with someone, and never expected our lives to turn out the way they have.
You feel it.
It wears on you.
You hide more than you respond.
You feel some relief when someone says out loud these words you've only said in your head, but then it's back to the everyday reality of the world that's yours.
"Are you still single?"
"Aw, why's a pretty girl like you still single?"
"What happened to that last guy?"
Is what they ask.
But "What's wrong with you?" is the message we hear.
And then the look that says it all... "She always finds men like that."
As if it's a conscious choice.
No, they don't say it out loud, but you hear whisperings behind your back, and you know what they're saying when they talk about you.
You know.
Stop right here.
Gather up all your dignity and wrap yourself in it. All of you. Hold your head up high. Look whoever you need to straight in the eye.
Own who you are. Own where you've been. Own what you've been through.
Because it's not your fault.
No one taught you this before!
No one modeled healthy, equal relationships for you.
No one mentored you. No one built you up, no one cheered you on, no one made it clear to you that you are everything just as you are. No one took the time to explain that your worth isn't defined in relation to some man.
We're working on changing this. It's better than it used to be, but we've still got work to do.
You can help by refusing to buy into these messages we've been fed for too long. You can help by questioning who's really being served by these shaming messages that never helped create a different reality for you.
I don't know who needed to hear this today, but if it was you, know that you're not alone. I've been right where you are.
And I'm right here with you now.
Love,
Jane
If you needed to hear this today, I'd love to hear from you in the comments down below. Even a simple "yes" makes it easier for more women just like you to come out from the shadows and realize none of us are ever alone in what we go through.
Hi Jane,
It sure would have been nice if we had been taught as children of our worth and what to look for in a relationship. I'm 56 now and have had relationships, but I'm not looking for another intimate one.
This morning I was just thinking about a pendulum with Fun on the top, Boring on the bottom, and stress level moving up and down. The more exciting the other person is, he/she tends to cause more stress. The less exciting the other person is, he/she causes less stress. However, our emotions tell us high stress is fun while low stress is boring.
I think I prefer to do things with people that I find more exciting. However, boring people are usually more 'sane' and I need that in my life too. Exciting people cause stress because they are fun with everyone and are difficult to tie down. However, deep down I know that I really don't want all of their craziness in my life fulltime. While the less exciting people seem to latch on and are suffocating.
I tend to be the same with finding/making "just" friends. The more fun/crazy they are, the more fun I have (but more stressful). I also have friends that are slightly boring but I tend to get together with them less often.
However, if someone wants to go along with something I'm doing, that's great. If a more serious relationship blossoms, that's great. But if not, I actually prefer/love my independence.
There are many people wanting to have a family or just getting started with relationships. When I was young, I think I chose wisely, but we had a lot of problems because my emotions didn't quite match. So what did I advise my child on relationships? Not much. But he found a wonderful woman on his own. 🙂
That's me.
I am single and 60. I have never been married . I get into bad relationships and am afraid to leave. As a kid I was bullied/made fun of. I felt so much pain from that. And I still carry that pain with me all these years later. I feel ugly and unlovable. I get treated badly in relationships, I'm a door mat. I keep thinking maybe if I just try harder one of these men will really love me, they never do.
Anytime, MB. You're so welcome! ❤
OMG ... THIS!!!! Thank you!
Right on time. I certainly needed to hear that I'm not too old. It's not all my fault. And that I want a relationship as I age gracefully. Yes I have many people around me but I am lonely. I'm 100% wanting 100%. Some people choose to be alone, I'm made differently and I don't want to have to explain that to anyone. Thanks Jane.
I hear you, Mary. You're more than welcome. So glad the timing resonated with you! ❤