My husband got up at 4am to stand outside in a line outside my daughter's dance studio, to register her in a first-come first-served registration system (plenty we could say about that type of system, but for now, it is what it is). He let me sleep in and switch with him later.
He was the only dad there.
Why? Because he's the guy I chose.
Oh I chose a lot of men before him, but only because I didn't know myself well enough to know what I actually wanted, and would continue to want years down the road.
I can't imagine any of the men I dated previously doing the same thing, and that's precisely why none of them worked out.
After so much heartbreak chasing after all the wrong men for me, who of course seemed so right at the time (they always do!), I finally realized I wanted the family man. For real. Someone who puts his family first.
I wanted a man who did more than talk about what a great dad he'd be; I wanted a man who actually showed me that through his actions!
My husband was a big brother in BigBrothers/BigSisters of America when I met him. He was volunteering his time to make a difference in the life of an inner city boy. That was an action.
He tutored my nephews in math when we were dating. Even when he was away on a business trip. That was an action.
He supported my work doing suicide prevention workshops in high schools and respected and admired me for it. That was action.
Not all of us want kids, you have your own individual priorities, but regardless of what they may be, I know that the only way to be happy in the long term with someone you're choosing now, is to get as clear as you possibly can on what those are.
For years I chased after qualities in men that I thought I wanted. Qualities that were fed to me by the media and pop-culture as things to look for instead of what my own heart was trying to tell me. Those things will only make you happy if they're actually YOUR priorities.
How do you know?
You look at what values matter the most to you. You look at what are long term goals for you and your life and what are short term ones and you decide if you're choosing someone for now only, or for the future you as well.
You choose that!
Then, once you've got that figured out, actually choose that.
Don't make excuses for someone.
Don't try to stretch reality to reflect what you want things to be instead of what they actually are.
Don't set yourself up for heartbreak down the road by pretending you can settle for something and someone that you absolutely can't.
Knowing yourself may sound like a cliche, but it's not. It's a process. It's a journey. It's deep work that's worth every second of it when you find you have exactly what you've been looking for your whole life.
And one day, years down the road, you'll look back and realize you, too, made the right choice. No matter how long it took, no matter how much you had to go through before you realized what that looked like for you!
And I know you will.
Love,
Jane
What about you? What kind of guy are you consciously choosing? Let's share who we're choosing in the comments below. This work is so worth it. If you can't see yourself with this person AS HE IS 5 years, 10 years, 20 years down the road, why are you spending all your time on him now? If you need help with this, I'm here to help you gain this perspective so you can start actively choosing instead of passively accepting. Check out my "Work with Me" page and we'll walk through this journey together starting today!
This made me tear up this morning. I totally resonated with this. I married the same type of guy, and it was all because of your help, Jane 🙂 Thank you! Love to you always.
Oh Julie, of course. You chose this guy, too! I'm so grateful and honored to have been a part of your journey to where you are today. We'll have to get these guys together someday!
I used to choose a totally different type of guy, but then I realized how hot and sexy hard-working, humble, and integrity are in a man! For me also, it was a strong faith and service. I started looking for guys outside the hot spots and clubs, off the dating sites where casual sex or anything similar was actually listed as options, and I started to really work on myself becoming the type of person my guy would recognize and want. The latter was easy because it meant, finally, a freedom to just be me. I went to a faith website and was upfront in my description: that I was happy and had a full life, but wondered whether God had marriage in store for me as well. I explained that I was on the website to see if that might be the case. I stood by myself by saying no to those who weren’t already on the same page when it came to faith. And I made it clear, when needed, that I didn’t need any “who knows what may happen in the future, let’s just see where this goes” or “casual” or yet another long-term dating relationship. I was looking at guys with marriage in my eyes. But I was content to continue to be single, so I didn’t want to settle for anything in-between. Or, actually, waste more years of my life on the in-between. Staying firm and reading this website helped!!! A lot!!!! Jane’s posts and everyone’s comments!! I also prayed and perhaps, in part, it was a silly prayer: that I would like a husband if that is what is in store for me, but I didn’t want to settle! And that included being super attracted to him. It actually didn’t take that long to meet my husband once I started staying true and standing firm. We’ve now been married 4 years (and yes I am super attracted to him!! 🙂 ).
Looking back, the only things I would do differently would have been to worry less that I never will get married, to appreciate myself more, to feel beautiful every day, and to have looked more carefully for red flags and not been afraid /reluctant/too nice/whatever it was from standing up for me, even in subtle ways, but especially in any situation. I was afraid to just be straightforward about what was acceptable or not, or expectations, etc. And I would get stuck or too emotionally caught up with the wrong guy.
"... but then I realized how hot and sexy hard-working, humble, and integrity are in a man!" - love this, EC! And I love hearing your story, I'm so grateful to you for sharing and I'm absolutely honored to have been a part of your journey to this beautiful place.
And yes, this part too ... "We’ve now been married 4 years (and yes I am super attracted to him!! 🙂 ). (Me, too! - after almost 17 years!)