I Like Him But He Just Wants to be Friends

Where have we heard that before? It's an all too familiar one for most of us. And that's our letter writer's story this week, one of our beautiful readers who wants to remain Anonymous, so I'm calling her Lee. She likes a guy who only wants to be friends so she's wondering what to do.

Her letter:

So the thing is.... I like a guy from my school and he is amazing. Well, we talk a lot and we even text often.

But at the end of the day when I tell him I like him, he says he still wants us to be friends. I don't know what to do.

-Lee

My response:

When you tell a guy you like him and his response is that he still just wants to be friends with you, there's only one thing you can do: listen to him.

This is so important, Lee.

I've heard from so many women after the fact - who listened to all the reasons they gave themselves as to WHY he would have said this and of all the things he might have been thinking when he said it.

You know what they all have in common? They all ended up frustrated, confused and many of them heartbroken because they didn't listen to what their guy was saying - and believe him!

So even though you may know he has his reasons, even though you may be pretty sure the two of you would be perfect for each other if he would only be open enough to find out, the best thing you can do for yourself is accept that (regardless of what you think and how you may see things), his say in this matters more than anything you could put together.

Why?

Because a relationship is more than just you. A relationship always takes two.

And seeing this as a green light instead of a red one, only sets up a situation where you find yourself either putting way too much of your time and attention into him, or worse, trying to manipulate him.

Neither is good for the both of you, and especially not for you.

Let's get one thing crystal clear: you only want someone who chooses to be with you, who's ready for you, and wants to be more than friends with you.

If you're the only one who wants this, you're going to end up frustrated, resentful, angry, sad, and heartbroken when he sticks to his word and never becomes more of a friend than he already is. Or worse, if you lose him as a friend in the process.

Friendship is about two people respecting each other, accepting the other where they're at, not trying to change them or manipulate them even in subtle ways to change them. If that's what you have now, ask yourself if trying to get more from him is worth damaging what you already have.

Having said that, I do know there are some friends who together choose to become more than friends down the road when both of them were allowed to develop genuine feelings for each other without the other trying to get them to be something more before they were ready.

After all, there's a reason most couples realize down the road the wisdom of the age-old advice, "marry your best friend."

But what that comes with is the assumption that you're both choosing each other, recognizing that the best person to be in a romantic relationship with is someone who you can actually talk to, someone who you are genuinelly compatible with, someone who shares the same values and morals as you, and someone who you can't wait to share your best news with. And someone who you happen to be romantically attracted to.

The best way for that kind of relationship to materialize is by giving someone the space to be themselves, the respect to listen to what he's telling you and respectin that.

Can you enjoy having him in your life as a friend - since this is where he's at right now?

Can you refrain from trying to change him or to convince him otherwise or acting out in a way that you think might get him to change his mind? A guy who senses he's being manipulated in any way isn't likely to want to stick around - even in the friend capacity.

What matters, Lee, is that you remember who you are and what you bring to a relationship REGARDLESS of whether or not someone is ready to be more than friends with you.

Just like you have your own preferences and programming around who you choose to be more than friends with, so will he. And whether he's aware of these or not, the best way to ensure you remain in his life - if you choose to - is to consider yourself friends. You don't ever want someone who doesn't know for certain he wants something more than this with you!

If you can't just be friends with him, if you like him too much and know you're always going to be wanting more or feeling resentful if he ever pays attention to other girls because you want to be them, then you have to look at whether or not maintaining a friendship when you want more, is worth it.

Can you put yourself through that? Can you still be yourself as a friend with him?

I would love for you to be surprised down the road by him being ready for the relationship you want with him, but the last thing I'd want you to to is wait for him, pretending you're not pining for him when you are. That's never good for you. If he's the right guy for you - romantically, not just in friendship - that's what he'll come to want also. But don't spend your time and energy (and mindspace!) trying to figure out ways to make that happen.

Just be yourself.

Even if you can't be friends with him, he'll respect you for making that decision instead of putting it on him.

He knows who you are as a friend, as a person. Anything more is up to him.

Don't measure your worth or desirability based on his decision about you! You may have everything in the world to offer someone but if he's not compatible with you and not ready for something more with you because he chooses to be, you could never be happy settling for someone on these terms.

You deserve someone on the same page as you, Lee. Someone who wants to be friends AND so much more than friends, too!

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any advice or words of encouragement for Lee? Share them with her in the comments below!