He’s got everything you’ve been looking for. Tall, dark, handsome – or its equivalent.
He treats his mother well, he’s lots of fun and attentive. He actually takes you on real dates and is intellectually stimulating as well.
And then there’s that connection you share. You felt it almost right away.
So far, so good, right? So far, really good!
But let's get back to basics. Back to the things we think we know, that we forget along the way.
You do so much work on yourself. You look inside yourself. You’re the first to look at you and what your programming is.
You do programs, courses, therapy, coaching; you read self-help books, listen to podcasts, read everything on the subject of how to be the best person you can be, and yet in your endless search to take so much responsibility for your own actions and your own "why", you miss the most important point of all.
You’re choosing men who don’t answer their own "why"!
In fact, they don’t even ask why at all. They blame, they project, they put this all on you because you make it so easy for them to do.
They shirk all responsibility for what they don’t do. And because it's what you've always done, you take it all on you.
They’re not the ones asking why they behave the way they do. They’re not the ones looking deep into themselves at their programming, at their relationships with their own fathers and mothers.
They're not digging into the cultural piece of how they were raised to be emotionless, strong, macho little boys who were expected to become such brave men. Or why this had the unfortunate side effect of making them so emotionally devoid now.
They aren’t the ones in therapists office or reading books, podcasts, videos on the subject. No, they’re the ones doubling down on why it’s all your fault and yours to fix and nothing more than a whiny, hormonal woman for them to have to deal with.
In other words, in their world it’s all you. In your world, it’s reinforcing your own belief systems that it really is all you.
You’ve been down this path so many times, checking off the things you've been told to look for, avoiding the things you don't want, looking for the things that matter, believing with every part of your heart and soul that you’re really getting this.
Belieiving that you’re honestly choosing all the things that matter most to you – his kindness, his intelligence, his generosity. And yet it’s still not working out the way you so badly want it to – the way you need it to is more accurate.
So why not?
Let’s look at something else here. Remember that everyone’s on their best behavior in the beginning of any relationship. The very best. So what you’re seeing first is the surface.
There’s so much more underneath.
Oh, you’re going to be seeing so much more, so much of who he really is. But it’s going to be so much harder to actually see him and who he actually is objectively until you’re already in too deep. This is exactly why you have to slow things down in the beginning before you become so attached and invested to this person without really even knowing him.
Here’re your steps:
Listen to what he says. Hear what he doesn’t. You’ve done so much work on yourself. Acknowledge that. Look at how quick you are to look into your background, your programming to search for your answers – even if you don’t know them yet. You go there! So it’s so important to see where he goes. Conflicts are going to come up. They’re inevitable. Maybe not in the beginning in this first easy part, but eventually, they’re going to. This is why it’s so important to see how he treats other people in a conflict with them.
Restaurant staff when they bring the wrong meal. Customer service people when he’s been billed wrong. The driver who cuts him off. The boss who doesn’t cut him a break or blames him.
Remember you only know one side of the story. His. And right now, that’s pretty rosy from where you stand.
Observe, watch, listen. Who is this guy underneath? Yeah, you need to know! And not by asking a ton of questions. It's way too easy to give you an answer that carries no weight! You need the real thing, Beautiful. And it starts with you realizing you do.
How about you? What’s the number one quality you’re looking for? Tell us in the comments below!
It’s important to find someone who makes you like yourself. Absorbing messages over time of blame and insufficiency can lead you to find yourself disliking yourself and wishing you were different, particularly more like him.
Such truth and wisdom in your words, D. I so appreciate your adding to the conversation!
There are unfortunately some men out there that are extremely charming, very well educated, who will shower you with praise and thoughtful gifts, wine and dine you, who are actually wearing a mask. They are what you call covert narcissists. They target women who are empathetic, kind, generous hearted, very attractive, because they see these women as an extension of themselves, and want all that they have to give. They will take all of that in. They are vampires... you will be drained and then that is when they will try to take your self esteem as well, by gas lighting, projecting, and criticizing you.
These men actually have very low self esteem. But the betrayal, the lies, and the false
self that you bought into, leaves you devastated, and confused to say the least. These men have multiple women that they are grooming at once, that they need for their 'supply'. This way if one finally frees themselves, once they realize what's going on, the narcissist moves on to the next victim. They have zero interest in how you feel after
the devaluation starts. There is no accountability for their actions.
A break up is hard enough with a man, but believe me, the covert narcissist is the
worst kind of all.
It's so important to learn the lessons from men that you date that are not emotionally available, in the extreme case, you might be dating a narcissist. This is a tell tale
sign that you should run in the opposite direction.
Take your time in getting to really know the person, before you give any of your emotions to a man. This is my take away.
Wow! Yes, it doesn't take long to fall into the trap of a narcissist! You will be in great pain and you will learn so much from them....run away fast!
Run, not walk, and while you still can! So true, Susan. The biggest problem is that we forget to take that time in the beginning before we're so emotionally invested that it requires more pain to leave than to stay. And then it only gets worse from there. It's in the beginning where we're at our most powerful place, but ironically, that's when we're most likely to ignore the early warning signs. Learning from our experiences - instead of beating ourselves up for not knowing better which only serves to repeat the whole process again with someone else - is everything!
Thank you, Jane.
Although I have been working on being more discerning of who I date, and I also know I need someone who is a questioner like me, somehow I find myself losing sight of exactly this. It's a bit hard, though. I have realized that in my quest to do things differently, one of which is giving a chance to those who express an interest in me as opposed to just fixating on those I like because of programming, I'm still making the mistake of thinking interest is enough, when in fact, as you must know, it isn't. Not by a long shot. The last guy was interested in that he approached and pursued, but then that's where it stopped because if I wasn't asking the questions, keeping the conversation going, and texting, then he wasn't doing much. He wasn't trying to get to know me. It all just seemed like he was seeing where he could get, or better yet, what he could get. Ugh. And although I saw these things because, at least now, I'm keeping my eyes open, I was still willing to try. I forgot that the very fact that he was not a questioner, a thinker, a deconstructionist? in the slightest, was reason enough for concern for me.
I rarely meet people who question things the way I do. Some people seem open to listening to my thoughts and ideas and thinking about them, but they come far and between.
Guess I have to stay focused and to really stop feeling like just because I'm not approached often, those who do approach me are my answer and I have to make it work. Though I'm not trying as hard as I used to, I'm still falling back on that a bit.
It's like once I have hope of things working out with someone, I throw a little part of my caution to the wind. This is where that slowing down you mention comes in. I have to remember that from now on.
We all do, Angel. It's this "throwing a little part of my caution to the wind" that we so need to focus on and be aware of. Right there is where we determine whether we keep or give away our power. Right there.