I’m convinced there’s a lesson in here for us.
That somewhere in the midst of all our heartbreak, all our regrets and beating ourselves up and second guessing what we should have/could have/would have known and done differently with at the time if we possibly could have known better, there’s something greater at stake.
Trust.
That little word. That really, really important word that we automatically assume has to do with him.
But no, this time I’m not.
I’m talking about something ever more important than trusting another human being. I’m talking about trusting ourselves.
The more women I work with, the more people I come into contact with who share their stories with me when I tell them about the mission I’m on to empower women to find the love they deserve, the more convinced I’ve become that what we’re really doing is rediscovering something we’ve long forgotten.
We think it’s about him. We think it’s been about so many hims. But it's not and never was.
More than anything else it’s been about what it takes to get us to see what we haven’t been able to see. My entire role as a coach is based on the premise that with enough of the kind of unconditional love and support you’ve been missing, you’re going to find what you need to find within yourself to see what you couldn’t otherwise have seen.
You’re the missing piece!
You’re the one who knows what you need, who feels in your heart of hearts what’s real and what isn’t. You’re the one who intuitively senses what’s safe and what’s not. You’re the one who knows more than anyone else possibly can what lies beneath the surface of the words every part of you wants to believe.
But instead of tapping into this side of you, this most powerful part of you that knows who you are, that senses what you feel is real, that hears that little voice inside you warning you that it might really be too good to be true, we instead do what we’ve learned to do so well.
We shush it away.
We silence it just like it’s always been silence. We don’t give it any more notice than we’ve ever given it. Because we don’t trust ourselves at all.
We allow ourselves to get completely caught up in that whirlwind of attraction.
You know that feeling you get that things are going too fast, that sense you have that you need to slow things down but you so don’t want to? That’s real!
You do know what’s going on. You do know that your gut instincts here really might know what they’re talking about. But the doubt gets in the way. And if you’ve never known a healthy relationship between two equals, between two people who are both lovers and friends, then you’re going to have more doubts than someone who has experienced that kind of love. The real kind.
We’re the ones who especially need to listen. To listen to our hearts, to our souls, to that little voice we’re so quick to say is just nerves or anxiety speaking. If it’s speaking, there’s a reason it’s speaking.
There’s something there we need to stop and listen to, before excusing away why we should throw caution to the wind and ride the wave.
Yes, there’s a place for loving with abandon! Yes, there’s a place for leaving our heads behind and giving away our hearts. But only when it’s safe to do so!
This is what we do for the ones who have nothing real to offer us. This is what we do for a potential that never comes close to fulfilling that potential. It’s because we don’t stop and listen to what we inherently know is true.
It’s because we’ve been given the exact opposite message. The one that says you can’t trust yourself. That you couldn’t possibly know better. That you don’t know what you think you do.
I want you to quiet those voices and listen to another one instead. The one that rises within you and knows the truth even as you hesitate to believe that someone like you could possibly know more than they ever did.
Don’t be surprised if it’s only a whisper at first. It’s been so used to being ignored, it’s lost some of the strength it used to have.
But it’s never stopped trying to be heard. It’s been there, fighting for you to see what it so needed you to see. Fighting for you to believe what it sensed beyond the words.
Listen to it.
It’s a beautiful thing when we learn to recognize it, when we see the love and the compassion and the grace it has for us. Always there, always reminding us of the one thing we need to know.
We do know where to go. We do know the way. We do know when it’s time to change course. We do know when we’ve had enough. We do know when something right in front of us is real – and when it’s not.
Let’s stop convincing ourselves that this time is going to be different when all the signs and the feelings are the same. Let’s stop throwing caution to the wind when all our alarm bells are going off and telling us it’s not safe but we still keep going because we want to believe this time will be different even though it can't be until we start doing something different! Let’s start taking a chance when we’re feeling something different even if it doesn’t feel the way we’ve gotten so used to it feeling even when it’s breaking our heart in two every single time.
Our greatest lesson isn’t about learning to trust someone else again, it’s learning to trust ourselves.
Can you see this? Can you see the only voice you need to listen to? It’s yours, Beautiful, and I want you to find that voice no matter how buried it may be amidst the rest. I want to hear from you if this resonated at all with you. Let me know below in the comments!
Hi Jane and readers,
All I want to say is I'm a man and I think your website is great! Ladies, believe me when I say I'm hoping to meet the type of person who understands healthy relationships. I have HAD IT with the mainstream woman who is really just looking for a thrill instead of a high character man to commit to. Not because I can't GET those women in my life, but because I WANT only a sweet, healthy woman who isn't addicted to infatuation, as seems to be the norm. Keep growing, as will I.. Who knows, maybe we'll meet and fall in love one day.
Thank you, Ryan. She's out there, because we're waking up, we're seeing what's real and what's not. And the more we wake up, the more we find the ones who are also waking up, regardless of what gender we may be.
Jane you are right, I was with a guy going thru a divorce for five months, for two weeks I felt anxious and insecure, then he broke up with me saying he wasn't ready. I'm sad but I no longer feel anxious.
Exactly, Tracey! There's always a reason we do!
Me and him we are trying again
That is me, not wanting to listen to my gut feeling. I have accepted a non committed relationship for 3 years. Fall and winter he is here on his terms but spring and summer can't be found. There is an excuse for an excuse. No holidays together, no birthday or Christmas gifts for me but I make sure he has something. He is very handsome and dresses trendy but his heart is cold and selfish. I was warned about him but ignored the signs now I am heart broken. It has only been 2 weeks but look forward to the day I can say it doesn't matter anymore.
Kris, your story is all to familiar. I remember those days as well. Not so much as a greeting card for my birthday and holidays alone. God forgive I did the same because he would lay the guilt trip on really thick. Just like you I was warned even by his own friends that he was trouble, but I ignored all the signs. I thought they just didn't know him as well as I did. I was wrong, and they knew him much better than I would ever get to know him. We choose to ignore the signs, and that only causes heartbreak.
Oh yes, it resonates with me:) Trust. The word I've had the most difficulty with. It's scary to listen to that little voice that feels things are not quite right. Afraid if I listen, I will loose the one I love & face the fact that I might have to let go. Like you said, when we've never lived an experience with someone that has never left us wondering, that's all in, that's safe....we don't have anything better to compare it to ..so we stay and hope. It's an awful place to live in...that place of fear, always afraid he still has doubts, afraid he won't love me like I do him, afraid that he'll change his mind & leave me...and now afraid he won't come back & chose me.
I've heard from him since, last weekend. The " I miss you, your amazing, I miss our talks, our weekends...everything about you bla bla bla......BUT I'm still unsure what to do. I still want to talk to you though, you center me" WHAT!? No He didn't ! That got me so mad. How dare he? You can't have your cake and eat it too. If I'm that great why are your still choosing separation? No I'm not okay. I'm not pretending anymore to accept whatever, so understanding with a smile. Figure it out boy! No he didn't give me anything more to work with like you said Jane. He's still choosing to stay apart.
I'm tired, tired of crying, tired of waiting.......I'm letting go. I deserve someone all in. He knows my number when or if he figures it out.
Trust that when it will be right, it will feel right. Trust in me, trust in the greater above all, in God, in the universe, trust ......I surrender
Of course this has resonated with me Jane! I never knew how to love myself, just be me, alone & unattached to someone (or something) else. I'm only getting to know myself now, as most of my life revolved around making others happy. It took your program, and lots of digging deep to figure out exactly what makes ME happy. Your program and the books The Secret & Women Who Love Too Much have put me on a much better path towards peace & happiness within myself. I'm doing the dating thing, but still very apprehensive in this arena because I'm 57 years old and just recognizing all of my past relationships were based on "chemistry & sex." I know better now, but will have a hard time fighting that off if/when it happens! Thanks Jane for your program & for getting me on the right path. <3
I am one of those people who love to love. When I am committed to someone I love to make them feel special and I love to spoil them. I am a very faithful, devoted, caring partner. My first marriage fell apart after nearly 11 years of marriage- I was soooo in love with him, he was my high school sweetheart, but he was in the army and gone a lot and found other women to fill the void while he was away, and I was not okay with that, obviously.
My second marriage was a rebound and was an abusive relationship, so that one ended after only 6 years of marriage.
I still believe in marriage, but I have no idea how to find love. I am a woman nearing 40 years old with young children. I work in a place where there are no single men and there are no single men in my church. I, obviously, don't go to the bars, so I have no idea where these men come from. I'm just having faith that when the time is right God will place him right in front of me.
I have met someone that I truly care for, but I really know what you are saying about the "gut" feelings. I just have this feeling this is not the one God wants in my life. That hurts me and scares me a little, but not being even close to a priority in someone's life hurts and is scary, as well.
I want someone to love me the way I love him. I want someone to go home to at night and cook for, and kiss goodnight. It's just been so hard.
And you deserve nothing less, Crystal. Especially when you are one of those beautiful souls in the world who love to love like you do. How I hear you!
Hi Jane, I have some good news to share. In August 2015, I signed up for the Beautiful Radiant You program. So glad I took that step and did something just for me, because I'm worth it. I knew the right man was out there waiting to meet someone like me. I had a lot of offer and I wasn't going to settle for less any more. I watched the videos and did the exercises to the best of my ability. In September 2015, a handsome, kind and caring Christian man came into my life. The Lord knew what kind of man I needed at this season in my life. I'm now 61 and Michael is 56. We are deeply in love and plan to marry next month on October 8th. A thanksgiving I'll always remember. We have both been married before so we know what it's like to be alone. We chose to learn from our past mistakes and with God helping us, we'll have a healthy and happy marriage.
I encourage you ladies to not give up on love. Believe in yourself, invest time in discovering what makes you happy, Don't settle, wait and the right man will come into your life. Another thing Michael and chose to do is not to have sex before marriage. We are waiting for our wedding night. Has it been easy, no, we are extremely attracted to one another, but both see the difference this has made in getting to know one another first . We are wearing purity rings and have had some interesting reactions from those who ask us about them.
Jane, I applaud you again for sharing your life and experiences so other women can draw a healthy love relationship into their lives. May God continue to bless you as you strive to help women see their value as He does.
Anne-Marie, how beautiful to hear you have found someone. Yes, god did put that man in your life. Wishing you lots of happiness 🙂
🙂
Thank you, Anne-Marie. I remember you and our call so well. Oh how happy I am for you! I can't thank you enough for sharing This is so beautiful to read your words, and for you to share, to give hope to the ones who've just begun this journey and can't yet see how they're going to get from here to there, I'm grateful you're here. Congratulations! This is you - and this incredible man who was looking for you as much as you were looking for him. Thank you for your kind words. You inspire me more than you know!
that sounds like like my life. but i have a problem. im trying to forget the past. and i think their is no one out there for me. most men dont want in your heart. they want in your pants. you are right. you can only trust yourself.
Not every man, Sharon. Look for the one who wants your heart as much as any other part of you. You'll know him - deep down you know you will. What if you started looking out for him instead?
Yes, I heard all the warnings and felt the actions of being stood up, not called for months, etc. I am now listening to my voice that says I'm 66 and it's ok to be alone and not find true love. To be calm and with myself instead of men who don't really care. To love myself. Many people die alone and, if that's my fate, so be it.
More than ok, Connie. But don't let your fate decide how the rest of your story goes without your own powerful input. Stand in your power - even when you don't feel it. Especially then, actually. There's still a whole new story waiting to be written about where you go from here!
Yes this is me and yes it hit home and thank you. Iam in love with my soul=mate.I know without a a doubt. But he's married. I have tried letting him go.but we both can't. We stopped talking for a month and we were miserable..help
oh Estherlee, "But he's married". Be the one to let go. Of course he can't - he's got it way too good! But you, you can set yourself free!
It is so true!!!! I've been denying my voice for so long! I always give everybody else a chance, now it's my time, it's my life and my big chance of being myself first. I'm tired of always staying seated in the passenger seat. I'm driving from now on. Thank you!!
Love hearing this from you, Veronica. You're so welcome. Glad you're seeing this so clearly!
I was crushed when he told me he can't give what I want. He still wants to see me but he text less and less and never call anymore .what should i do i love him so much and i feel like I'm losing him.
Then you have to either change what you want so he can give you that instead, or you have to accept that he can't give you what you want, Che. You have to decide what you can live with. You still have your power. You still are the one who gets to choose.
I didn't listen....I got hurt....but he met and married the new girl within 9 months of meeting HER but she didn't listen either and guess what she got the man I loved....if you ask me none of it makes sense and I'm destined to be alone forever.....
Why forever, Robin? Why does it have to be that way?
No, quite honestly I don't hear it. I wish I did bit I do not. Guess I've been broken down so many times that I try to be numb to it all. Trust is not something I can feel anymore. I've made alot of bad judgement calls and blame myself. I should have known better, instead chose to believe in someone who was capable of being emotionally available. He was not capable of love on the same level and depths as I am. So you see, trust is not something I can feel anymore. I've let myself down too many times by listening to and believing in this man. I blame myself.
Slowly, very slowly peel off even a tiny corner of all this blame you're heaping on yourself, Wendy, and you'll slowly, very slowly begin to hear the faintest cry within your heart try to fight its way to being heard. You can't NOT feel. Feeling is the only thing we know how to do!
Thank you. I needed to hear this. Every thing you just shared is true.
So glad, Zerlina. Thank you for being here and being open to hearing this at all!
*write 😛
Yes it did resonate but what really made me connect with this post is that everything you right is true of other domains too and when we listen to ourselves in one area we end up listening to ourselves elsewhere too. I have had a recent professional experience which played out in a similar manner and I am struck by how much we really can trust ourselves when we learn to pay attention to those early warning signs. Also letting time unfold and watching a man's actions is the best way of evaluating their character. I did this recently too and ended things after the 5th date and basically said it feels to me as if you are half hearted and consequently I do not want to invest here. I have even god forbid improved my relationship with my ex-husband (and father of my children) such that I am finally getting my needs met (and the children get to spend quality time with him in the process so win/win). If we learn to pay attention our bodies tell us everything we need to know and in my case it has paid dividends. I have reached a point where I can receive the wisdom of that voice you refer to above and I am very grateful for that indeed.
Love how this permeates through so many areas of our lives, Paula. Thank you for sharing. I'm thrilled to hear the results this new way of listening to yourself is changing things in such a positive way for you! Grateful for being able to share in this with you! 🙂