Beautiful Katie has been dating a guy who's suddenly gotten very hot and cold on her. He says he doesn't want a serious relationship, and now she's wondering if it will ever work out.
Here's Her Story:
So a while ago I started seeing this guy and things were pretty good.
I had been talking to him for a while before that and we had a lot in common. When we finally met up in person it was like I had finally found someone who understood me. He was extremely nice and polite and sweet - all qualities I never knew I wanted.
I was always reading a lot into the relationship though. I hate not knowing how other people feel about me.
We went on two dates and the second one went similarly, where we got along amazingly, better than I had with anyone else, and it felt really right. He made me extremely happy.
From the beginning I was worried that he wasn't as into me as I was in him because he didn't kiss me on the first date, but then he did on the second one. We were talking almost every day after that and would have long conversations about what we wanted in life, we have very similar wants for our futures.
On top of that we have a lot in common. A lot.
It feels like we're reading each other’s minds sometimes. I got into a bad car accident after our second date and things kinda spiraled from there. I was really depressed and needed someone to be there for me in a way that was kind of asking too much of him since we weren't that serious and I got disappointed.
He was there for me but I wanted some stupid gesture like showing up at the hospital or coming to see me to make sure I was okay. That didn't happen but things were still going pretty well and he was there for me for a lot of it.
Then he stopped texting me back.
His responses became short and we weren't talking as much and then he just stopped texting me back all together.
I asked him if he was okay and checked up on him but he didn't respond. Then I got put in rehab very abruptly and had no communication with him for weeks. When I got out my friend had talked to him and he said he had been depressed and it wasn't personal that he wasn't texting me back and he told her that when we saw each other it made him really happy.
I know there are and have been mutual feelings but I also know he's not looking for something serious right at this moment.
When I got out of rehab we talked and I lied to him about where I was at first because I didn’t know how comfortable I was with telling him but after a few days I did. The conversation went well and he was supportive and told me that he would never judge me but that he really hated when people lied to him.
We were back on good terms and talking about hanging out again but he started being wishy washy. We would have a great conversation one day and then it would be different the next day.
I decided to talk to him about it to see how he felt because I just couldn't deal with the inconsistency.
He told me that he doesn't want a serious relationship right now and that he needs to figure some stuff out in his life before he can do that. I feel the same way since I just got out of rehab and I need to work on myself.
We agreed to stay friends and come back to our feelings when we were both in less complicated places. I told him that I had feelings for him but a lot was happening in my life and I couldn't handle being in a relationship right now.
He said he felt the same way.
I didn't tell him that I wanted one though. Because I do, with him. I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone else.
I really have feelings for him and I want things to work out so that down the line we can be together.
Do you think it will? What can I do to give him space but make sure he doesn't forget about me? How can I work on myself so I'm not so insecure in the relationship?
- Katie
My Response:
Oh Katie, you’re not alone in what you’re asking here.
It’s where we live so much of the time when we’re in the throes of a new relationship with such a connection and so much potential!
How can we tame our anxiety, work on our insecurities so we don’t lose yet another him? How can we keep those anxious feelings from getting the best of us so we don’t push him away … forever?
And the follow up question we all want some kind of guarantee of, if I do this or that, will it work? Will he choose me in the end?
There’s only one way through this and it’s through building confidence in ourselves so that whatever someone else chooses to do with us, we'll see the other side that we only want someone who’s on the same page as us, who wants what we want on the same time frame, who subscribes to a similar belief system when it comes to matters of the heart.
It’s the kind of confidence that comes when we we’re not trying to be someone we’re not. It comes from looking within at who we are and deciding what you like, what you want to keep and what you don’t like and want to change. With love, not with self-loathing, despising ourselves as we try to make those parts we’ve deemed unacceptable to go away.
There’s another side to those parts we wish weren’t a part of us because we’ve only been told we’re "too this" or "too that" until we no longer know what we think about ourselves, we’re so programmed to only see ourselves through someone else’s eyes who has no clue who we are beneath those labels.
I’ll bet you’re very sensitive. I’ll bet you feel everything more than most people do. I’ll bet you have a gift for sensing what someone needs and how you can fill that need. I’ll bet you have such a loving, caring, giving spirit such that unless you’re doing something to love and care and give, you feel more than a little lost.
And with all those things you are, I’ll bet you’re used to hiding so much of yourself so you won’t seem too anxious, too insecure, or too "not relationship material" for some guy.
While we don’t want to come right out and scare someone away right from the start by overwhelming them with all our less than favorable qualities, the problem is that instead of keeping our anxiety at bay by having someone else who’s not that person to talk to BEFORE you say something or do something you’re going to regret, we send ourselves the message that there’s something so wrong with us that we can’t just be ourselves.
Even if that means your anxious, overthinking, insecure self.
And that’s not true at all! You can be yourself. You absolutely need to be yourself! But revealing that beautiful true self which includes the anxiousness, that includes the insecurity and the overthinking that has you doing things you wish you didn’t do, happens over time.
As you get to know each other, you both gradually – slowly – reveal more of who you’re both about. You’re strengths and weaknesses come through.
Like a dance, he gives you more of who he is and you give him more of who he is. Back and forth it goes, as together you discover all your questions being answered without having to come right out and ask them.
There’s something about the men we’re with when we’re in this place where we’re feeling anxious, insecure and unsure of what to say or do so he won’t forget you, so he’ll come looking for you when he sorts himself through. There’s a dynamic that feels like you have to keep it going, like you have to do something – often anything – just so it will feel like you’ve done all you can.
I want you to see something different.
A mindset that sees that you’re already everything you are and everything you think you need to be. While it’s great to recognize that you have work to be done, that you can be anxious and insecure, most of our insecurity and anxiousness is context based. Meaning that we find those people and things that reinforce our internal beliefs about ourselves without even realizing this is what we’re doing.
It’s subconscious.
And it keeps perpetuating our belief systems so that these beliefs become our truth.
Be with a different kind of people, the kind who love and validate who you are, and you create a new context for you to live your life through. Surround yourself with people who celebrate you and choose to be with you, not out of loneliness or dysfunction, but out of love and friendship and an affinity with you!
I’ve got a lot to say about how you can work on yourself so you’re not so insecure in the relationship, - I go into detail on these in my "Beautiful, Radiant, Confident You" program, but these are habits that take building one step at a time in order for you to embody them so that you’re not just merely reading them like a role in a play where you recite your lines without becoming your character.
Don’t be afraid of what the future holds where he’s concerned, Katie.
If he doesn’t get there, you don’t really want him anyway. Who you want is someone who embraces all of you! But give him a chance to get to know you first without expectations that can’t be met because there hasn’t been enough time to build that kind of relationship yet.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Can you relate to what Katie’s going through? There’s so many of us who’ve struggled with this. Click here to share your advice for her in the comments, or just let her know she’s not alone in what she’s going through!
I am also in the similar situation which make me so much pain now.
I met a guy online and we dated around 4 months then he said he does not want relationship with anybody. ( Well I do know from the start he is not serious but I still fall into it so can only blame myself)
I stopped see him for a month then he popped up again and we sort of back again but he still keep his agenda. I admit that I enjoy his company so I slept with him twice again:(
After two weeks haven't seen him we supposed to meet on the weekend as he promised help me practice driving using his car. However, he said no more nights stay over as he sort of has a girlfriend now and she is aways now and he wants to be good and he changed for her!
I am so angry of what he wrote and how can he change all of a sudden and is so unfair to me! :"(
Actually I just 50% believe what he said, he did not have relationship like for 7 or 8 yrs, he is 28 yrs old. And last time just two weeks ago I still saw two different girls text him on his phone!
Is just so hurt he wrote he just really like her and like her more than me! :"(
Anyway, I bought him nice bday gift I really wanna get it back even just not expensive! I know it is immature act but he doesn't deserve my gift truly.
I block him on snapchat that day and he could not contact me on that day I need practice driving. I don't need him. He is just rubbish but I still hurt!
Well I thought like one month later I will ask my gift back! I hope I can be stronger!
Don't settle for "I enjoy his company so I slept with him". You only give yourself away to someone who doesn't ever deserve the gift of you when you do this to yourself. Let the birthday gift go - it will only keep you further tied to him. But don't blame yourself; learn from this. Listen closely to what a man says. If he's not ready, if he doesn't anything serious, it's never your role to change him. It only hurts you!
Hi Jane,
Thanks for your reply. I hope I can let go of the gift like you said. Is been few days now and I still will cry when I think of him chose and change for her! It makes myself really low confidenec and doubt myself not good enough:(
However, even I really wanna reach him but I would not! However how can I NOT think about him and her are so in love in the picture but not me? He did say he liked me so he see me lots. I am really confused. Does he view me as studpid? Rejection is really a painful experience!
I did admit that I ignore all the red flags when texts get less and not initiate meeting. I thought I could just go with the flow and sort of casual dating but deep down I want a serious relationship and want a man treat me like a human being! I really dont know how to do it :"(
I dont want to cry for this man but I just cant help myself....
Wanting and planning for a peaceful life is never a tall order. It is the only order.
Kind Regards and again, thank you for your continued inspiration.
Hi Katie and Angel,
I was just like you until very recently.
I'm finding the answer - I think. I'm busy...
I've recently reconnected with all my friends, am spending lots of time with them and having so much fun! I'm remembering the lovely person I am - my friends validate me when I'm with them and I'm feeling happy, confident and secure when I'm on my own.
And guess what? Despite promising myself I'd depend some time alone, I've met someone I really like...
It's incredibly early days and I obviously don't know what'll happen but, despite liking him a lot, I'm not anxious at all. Yes, I'll text him first sometimes but I don't worry if he doesn't reply straightaway... My friends don't always reply straightaway and I don't panic about that! My happiness and confidence - my self-esteem - isn't tied up in how much this chap likes me - it belongs to me.
He seems quite keen. He's already talking about what we could do in October and we've only been on three (lovely) dates! But he's not so clingy that I'm concerned he's 'fast-forwarding'... He's not flattering me constantly. He feels, at the moment, like a friend (that I fancy!)... It's worked out so far that I've not been available the first time he's asked - my schedule is full of friends. But I'm acting keen and suggesting an alternative date... With the result that he's rearranging his schedule a bit to spend time with me! I'm not playing a game - I'm genuinely busy...
I'm watching myself to see how I feel and behave as I find out more about him and at the same time, keeping busy. I'm too busy to spend all my time thinking about him and wondering...
The answer is to find a place whereby you don't NEED, you WANT. Needing is no fun - wanting is ?.
Hope this helps a bit?
I don't need a man. I am plenty busy myself. Busy is all I am. That is not the case with me. If it were, I would cling to many men. I personally don't find men I like often. They come far in between.
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I still have my doubts about how to close the gap I am talking about.
Angel,
The wonderful thing that you wrote ... " the gap I am talking about".
It is beautiful, inspiring and most of all intelligent that you can recognize this "gap". You have the introspection to analyze your own unique gifts. This demonstrates that you are developing a strategy for your loving, generous and thoughtful spirit. You are going to settle on someone who sees love and matters of the heart similarly to you.
I have faith in you because of your ability to recognize what you want to the extent that you are wise enough to see the "gap".
Relieved and inspired.
Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your kind words and for your encouragement. I know I tend to analyze a lot, sometimes a bit too much. But in trying to learn, sometimes I have the feeling I overcorrect. I still think about that last guy a lot. I know and clearly saw that he is not right for me because he is not in the same place I am and he seemed rather lost when we talked about the situation. But I did like him very much. He is a good man and he had some traits that match what I am looking for. I was just analyzing again because I think that, even though I was right in my observations and interpretations, I think I was also too quick to dismiss him entirely. I cut him out of my life. I let him know in no uncertain terms with my actions that he would not get my loving presence as he wished anymore. But part of me feels sad I couldn't bring myself to get to know him more or let him get to know me more. My fear of going back to the same crappy situations I have already been in in the past won.
I am trying to remember that if things are meant to happen, they will happen no matter what I do, but it is rough for me to not think about what I am doing and how I might be doing something detrimental.
Hi Angel,
I can be also quite the analyzer, I suggest you read this book, "The confidence gap" very good book, I am reading it too. Sounds like you're beating yourself up for this, I would be doing that too. But don't. You were honest with your feelings and he freaked out. It's okay. To relieve your insecurities, for future dates with someone else, go in there not expecting anything. Meaning, don't show up with your imaginary check list, like "oh he's gotta have this, and this and that, check check check". This could help with the getting to know him and taking your time and then eventually as Jane as, you will know, whether or not he's on your page!
Thank you, Elisia. I am going to check out the book. Funny, but I didn't meet this guy with a checklist. I only have one check list and it's one I wrote after I realized I had a very unhealthy pattern. But I wasn't necessarily expecting anything when I first went out with him. The expectation thing kicked in after he made advances and we spent two weekends together because to me, if I do that it's because I like the person enough to go in and try, but I didn't factor in the fact that this guy turned out to be very immature and unaware for me. Anyway there is not much I can do about it now. I keep thinking I should probably not even go to the kissing stage before I know what a guy's deal is. I don't kiss a man if I don't feel it, ever! Or maybe I should just avoid men I actually like... The thing is I have tried going out with men I am not attracted to or who I cannot even tell if I find attractive and it just... Yuk. I end up feeling like I am forcing myself and dragging myself to do something when I dread it and much rather be home sleeping or cleaning. I feel it isn't fair to me or the poor guy, plus I am not very friendly or nice when I just don't feel much for the guy. I have to fake interest and to me that is too dishonest and it just doesn't work for me. I have been feeling very powerless. I know my power in terms of making decisions and I am learning to use it, but I feel hopeless and powerless in that I cannot find a man who I like who likes me back and whenever I finally meet one I like, I end up disappointed. I know there isn't anything I can do about that, and that the possibility of ending up alone is real and there and I have come to terms with it sort of, but... Ugh. I am just having one of those weeks in which I am having a hard time accepting reality and being ok with it. Maybe it's pretty birthday depression.
I understand, I also went out with guys who I wasn't attracted to. My birthday is coming up too..and it's gonna be a milestone :/. Don't give up. Is there any volunteering opportunities in your area? might want to give that a try too, at least you will meet new people 🙂
It is me again.
You are clearly intellectual and introspective.
Thus, I ask you are you positive as in an absolute fact that it is too late to contact him?
Maybe it is but are you certain that he has settled on the love he saw for himself?
I propose this only because you are a wee bit closer to knowing yourself, closer to knowing what wonderful things you deserve and closer to trusting yourself not to settle for less.
Would it be possible to reach out to him in a self assured and self respecting manner knowing all that you know now?
You have more knowledge now to ask yourself...
is he someone that would honor and respect my future children? ( I've not any clue as to whether you have or want children but I do sense that you would protect your child at every turn.)
If your instinct senses even a shadow of doubt about how he would truly be with said "children", this may help you move forward if not for your own worthy spirit but for the protection of those you love in your future.
Again, only my opinion.
Hi De Elle,
I don't think I want to contact this guy again. I think it is pointless. I don't doubt for a second he is a good man and would be a great husband and father, but that is really not the issue. The issue here is we are not on the same page, at least not now and now is all I have. I don't ever want to hang around a man again hoping and wishing. That is a promise I made to myself and I am serious about keeping it.
About my wishes, I am not interested in marriage or children. Never have been and at least right now I don't see those things happening. All I want is a great partner by my side with who I can build something, a business maybe, but also a super amazing relationship where we both grow and feel happy. That's it. I want to experience true love, learn about myself as part of a relationship and give everything I think I may have in me to give in a romantic, loving partnership.
Wow... That may be a tall order lol
I admire you for that conviction. It shows that you find you are worthy of a man that can be as present as you are. That is not confused about his feelings for you. I hope I can get there someday. Instead of this place where I am wishing & waiting as you described
I get it, Anna. It hasn't been easy to become this clear. I was Ms. friendzone/fall back girl until like just two years ago. It took 12 times of the same experience for me to finally wake up and get away from the overwhelming pain inside me.
Now I am much clearer but I still struggle with the feelings of hopelessness and sadness. It is a process. You will get to that clarity in your own way and your own time. It's a journey. The fact that we are here on the blog is enough to see how much we have in common.. We are on our own paths, different places, but we have our hearts and hopes in common.
Oh Katie...
...that is the problem with women like you and I: we love - hard; we are too hopeful; we are accepting; we are understanding and we forget about ourselves.
We are so desperate for love that when a guy shows an inch of interest we are already seeing the wedding day. It's not a bad thing I am sure but it is in our case because that hope and love gets us into trouble - all the time hence we are still single and seeking help from Jane.
I am not judging us because it is okay to a certain extent, it is okay to be hopeful that we will oneday find the man of our dreams and we will forget about all the bad and heartbreaking experiences and it will happen.
This guy is just not the man it will happen with, clearly you are not on the same page and you know it very well deep down hence you said "he wasn't as into me as I was in him". You need to find a man that treats you and acts like he wants you more than you want him, it is a man's duty to love his woman. But first you need to believe in yourself, you need to validate yourself FIRST before you can expect any from him.
For people like us, we have this unhealthy need of seeking validation from a man because we somehow have this misconception that a man will complete us which is absolutely untrue.
And NOOOOOOOOOOOO he is not the guy to be in a relationship with because you deserve way better than he is offering which in fact, he isn't offering anything. Remember: when you settle for less you will always get less than what you settled for.
And IF YOU WANT SOMEONE TO CHASE YOU, DON'T CHASE HIM.
Be easy on yourself. Put yourself first.
Well said Decky. When a guy wants you, he wants you. This guy wants to keep his options options because as she said, he is not as much into her. Once the equation is lopsided. The guy will pull away. I would say run. Dont waste time time trying to convince someone how awesome you are. You were in a car accident and he didn't visit. Surely he's not worth your time. The more you stick around, the more connected you will feel and the deeper the pain of unrequited love.
This message got to me in a particular way, Jane.
It got me thinking about the last time I met someone I felt I could open up to love again, take a chance again.
We had only spent two weekends together, but I liked him enough to jump in and see where it went, but by telling him that, he immediately started to pull away and that of course triggered my insecurities and I started recognizing the signs. And because I swore I would never put myself in the friendzone, booty call, fall back girl position again, I had my little chat where I got the usual: I am not looking for a girlfriend, or a relationship... Etc. So I dropped off the face of the earth.
Part of me felt proud of myself because I got out quickly this time, I was really disappointed for a while, but proud to be learning.
My question is now: am I falling too far on the other extreme of the spectrum? you advise Katie to let him get to know her without expectations.
How can I be who I truly am to let him get to know me when I already feel very anxious and I am attracted to the guy? How can I be the "cool girl" when I already know I can't be? In my case, I feel like I need to flee immediately after a guy says the I am not ready thing. I don't think I can do the let's be friends and get to know each other thing when I already feel all sorts of things that are not friendship. I feel that my immediate instinct is self preservation and I disappear.
Part of me feels I am doing it wrong that way too. But how can I actually reconcile that?
I'd like to know the answer to that one too!
Me too!
Interesting, I'm with these girls. I want to love. I fall hard and fast. I just don't get it that men don't want this. It can't be that hard. I get the feeling they don't want to be responsible for someone (hurting our hard love feelings).
"who subscribes to a similar belief system when it comes to matters of the heart".....
We, those who love deeply and fully.... deserve only one who does "subscribe similarly"...
This is my opinion and my strategy move in a positive direction without overcompensating in any direction. We are worth developing our esteem , our self worth so that we live the love we desire, so that we are not ever left in the abyss of wanting and wishing.
Only my opinion. I feel your hearts.
Me, as well. Many of the guys I talk to are talking to others and I have a hard time realizing that they are probably more- or saying or doing the things the guys want, so the guy chooses them. And the ones that are attracted to me, I don't feel the same way for them and see them as more than a friend, rather than a lover. I have been married twice, so I don't want to just settle and be disappointed, yet again.
I am talking to someone I feel I have a lot in common with, but how can I make him want me and not the other women who is trying to get his attention?
You cannot make him do anything. That is only his decision. I know that it's not really encouraging sometimes to know that we cannot control how things go, but it is a reality. We cannot go in trying to manipulate anyone to love us. Be who you are. He has to decide on his own if he wants you or not.
But you can be, Angel! You already are! You can't know someone well enough to give him so much of your power, to put him up on that pedestal which is where that anxiety and anxiousness comes from because he's in the driver's seat and you're waiting to be chosen by him! Turn that around. Allow yourself to be excited, to feel that connection that makes you feel attracted, but recognize that without consistent actions over time backing that up, he won't be all that to you. You exit to not being hurt, to not having to come face to face with the confirmed reality that you weren't enough, that you somehow "failed" in your expected role as a woman to be able to keep a good man. But whatever the outcome, that can never be true! You can't take a chance again after only two weekends spent together. You need to know this man better! You can feel it, you can experience all those feelings that come up when you're attracted to someone, but you can't tell him that until he starts telling you. And he will tell you - and more importantly show you! - when he's on the same page as you. You don't have to disappear, Angel! Don't ever disappear. Stand in your power, hold your head up high because you're a woman who feels, who senses, who knows she deserves someone body, heart and soul. Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you need to disappear! He pulls away because of his stuff, because he can't handle the pressure, because he's not there, but never, ever because there's something wrong with you! Don't drop off the face of the earth, but follow your intuition and don't ask, don't have that conversation when it's way too early for his answer to be anything but he's not sure. He can't be sure, he NEEDS you to take things slow. And then watch, listen, observe. You'll know!
Wow Jane, That's exactly what's going on with me. But how do we not regret opening ourselves up too early when we know we made that mistake of asking that question too soon? Out of insecurity. Now that he's pulled away. And said I'm not sure, I need space & time, because it's too early to know. That feeling of loosing someone that potentially was an amazing fit feels awful & brings a lot of guilt for having gone there & ruined something. That feeling of if only I had done it differently & kept my calm is disappointing.
Anna, we share the same name and the same feelings... Oh the "what ifs..." If I had been cooler, calmer would we be together?
Angel, I really get you! How am I supposed to play it cool when I'm so anxious? Did I scare him by saying I missed him and that I wanted to see him more often? If I hadn't said anything, waited for him to make a move, would it have made a difference?
Hey Anna ? I find it awful that we get so insecure about being open & beautiful. I wish I could learn to take more time to make sure he deserves to know & get all that I am, like Jane's advice. Instead I stay filled with regrets that I am too much too soon. I guess we must get the courage to let them come to us. Because we are a catch.
🙂
Thank you, Jane for answering. I guess the problem for me here is that I debated beforehand whether I should bring it up because we got very close and fast, and the conclusion for me when I thought of whether I should say something or not was that by not saying something I was playing games instead of acting in alignment with what I felt was authentic. So I made the pertinent observation. I felt bad when I heard his answer "I am not looking for a girlfriend. I don't really know you. I don't know what I want in my life right now"... When I asked why he had asked me out after he already knew I was looking for a partner, because I had been crystal clear from the get go before we even went out on a date, his answer just... Ugh, no. He said: "I had to. How was I supposed to let you know I was interested?" "Interested in what?" I asked. "I didn't want to be friendzoned. So I know I have to act quickly". This confirmed to me that this guy... Younger than me by the way... And emotionally way younger than physically I concluded, was just a tangle of unawareness. That was enough for me to cut the whole thing out. I was kind, polite, but truthful and I said we needed to stop whatever that was we were doing then. Then he went on to ask what I thought, and he said he felt I was way ahead of him intellectually and emotionally.. That he felt he was a kid that could not deliver what a man should deliver for me. It was... Kind of him to say that... Sort of... In a bizarre, deflating way.. I guess he just wanted an easy way out and be nice, but after that, despite my disappointment and desire to be with him, I just knew I had to leave. I didn't want to risk hanging there hoping for anything to be different and we had gotten too close physically and I just didn't know how to downgrade that. I guess I am still struggling to reconcile my compassionate, kind side, with my more selfish and assertive one. I somehow regret having given my body to someone who just couldn't receive it, and I know it's my mistake. I don't regret it but I do. I struggle with that experience still even if it was back in February and I haven't seen him since. He asked to hang out a couple of times more after that, but I declined because I sensed he was just trying to sweet talk me into a casual thing. Maybe he wasn't but my self preservation mechanism was on overdrive so I kindly said no.
I just don't understand why I am still thinking of this experience. Funny enough it started popping up in my head constantly about two weeks ago.
Agreed. I can't waste time waiting and hoping for a guy to notice how great I am. Once I have feelings it hurts too much. You will know if a guy likes you. I have done this before hanging on until he moved on & the pain was unbearable.