Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't want you?
Why would you insist you're getting something out of a relationship where you're getting nothing more than crumbs?
Why would you put yourself through this?
They don't understand. They can’t understand.
Because they’re not in it. You are. And when you're in it, there's nothing else to understand.
Except that you want him.
Except that you need him.
Except that you can't imagine your life without him.
When I consider what you most need to hear from me today, to bring you that one step closer to having that love in your life you're so longing for, I think of where you are.
Some of you have been here long enough to know what you need. You've accepted the reality that you're not going to change him, nor is this your role to play.
But for so many others of you, you're not there yet. You're not done with him.
And more than anything else, you don't want him to be done with you.
You want one more thing to try. One more shred of hope to hang onto. One more piece of the puzzle to fit.
Everything else I say is lost on you.
It's where you are right now that I'm speaking to. Save all the rest. Everything else will start making sense when you get there.
But right now, this is where you are.
Don’t look ahead. Don’t try to understand why this is happening to you right now. Don’t beat yourself up because you can’t see the gift in what you’re going through.
Trying to make sense out of it can’t make sense to you when you’re here, going through this, whatever your "this" might happen to be.
Instead, let’s go a different route.
Away from all the regret of what you could or should have done differently. You’ve learned that. That’s enough beating yourself up.
Come here instead to feel the love. And the knowing. And the trust in the knowledge that you’re going to get there.
Yes, you.
One day, you’re going to decide that being with someone who can’t love you the way you deserved to be loved isn’t worth the justifications you’re making to stay.
After all, you’re here, aren’t you? This is how it begins.
Asking why. Asking what if. Asking if just maybe it could be different for you.
The answers you’re searching for are going to start coming to you when you’re ready for them.
One step. One tiny baby step at a time.
Are you here? You’re not alone! I’ve been here before. And so have so many of us on here. Tell us what you’re going through in the comments. We all hear you!
Want to do this with me? I’ll walk through each step of the way with you with my "Weekly Love Steps" program. I’ve designed it to get you going, to get you thinking outside the “rules”, asking the questions that lead to the answers that give you back the choices you may not have even known you had. Click here to find out more.
Jane your advises are so real and direct . I hesitated at first to share what i'm feeling but i thought i need a straight to face advise to really wake me up.. I have a 10 relationship with a very good man.. The very first time i met him ,he already told me that he really wanted to have a child but not ready at that time..we have a very smooth relationship and at first i thought i can easily move on since i knew from the start that i cannot give him a child...(i am 4 years older than him and have children of my own).. After 5 years of our relatioship i knew he will not commit.. But i still chose to stay.. Hoping that someday he will change his mind... Now that he is 50 and i'm 53 .. He told me he's ready to have a child.. And since i cannot gv that to him... The only solution he has is to let me go and find someone who can give him a child... I cant believe how painful was that for me... I mean i was literally sick.. I cant even eat and sleep..:i am having anxiety too... I understand what he needs but my heart is too heavy to let him go... Untill now , we're still together but i know one of these days i need to let him go... Jane pls help me... I read all your advises... It helps me a little bit but nothing seems to register ... My heart feels so swollen..
oh Rose, understand what you need, not just what he needs. No man is worth making yourself sick over! Ask yourself if you would be going through this if you were with someone who was a true fit for you. Your heart needs to be heavy over what you're putting yourself through by being with this man. Where is the love for you? Where are the loving actions for you? You cannot be someone you're not. Don't live for hoping someone will change his mind. Live for the hope of you!
Thank you very much jane... By reading all ur advises and thru the videos u sent me... I'm starting to move on... It's still painful but knowing that my needs us mire important than his needs is what keeps me going... I appreciate and very grateful to have come across your website... Thankful that there is someone like you who helps a lot of women like me...
I'm so glad they're helping, Rose. It is painful. So painful going through this - and hard to imagine it ever not being painful. But we come through these stronger, more clear on what we want - and what we don't - and firmer in our resolve to never accept someone else's term for our lives again. You can do this! And you will!
Ii am glad i did not move in with him as where would that leave me each time as he did so with his ex wife. You know, I asked him if I can come over for coffee and he replied oh you are uptight I do not want to see you now I need space. Its unreal. I was married 35 years prior to this and I never had this problem. He acts like a child. And at same time he wants people to think he is TOPS. He hates it if i am happy he would immediately say something to bring me down quick. Like i would say hi how was you day I bet it went awesum then he would normally sigh roll his eyes and say stop this. Stop what? being nice? I do not understand this anymore. Then again he would say dont you call me I will call you. And its always like a booty call. And if i dare say i cant do it right away all hell breaks loose.
I cant seem to find it. I did ask him again for break up today he just said I must be patient with him he not want break up but he wants to be alone again for weeks. I know he is not seeing others but he is so negative its draining me. I know he loves me dearly but why is he llike this. Moody negative etc I am not allowed to even discuss this with him. I did tell him he told his brother to talk to his wife as she was leaving him as she is doing to his brother what he is doing to me. So i mentioned to him if you told you brother he MUST talk to his wife then WHY do you not talk to me then and again I was told to go and i am in for couple of weeks ignore again. Its draining How can he propose to me a couple of times AND bought a ring and keeps retracting it? Its like a game he wants ME but he wants to be by himself and he makes sure each day with ONE sms to let me know I should wait and not see others? wait for what?
this site is really helping me however i do struggle to let go. Its been 5 years that i invested into nothing at MY age. each time we had a disagreement he goes off for weeks without a word. I took everything out of his house now. Its unreal. he just ignores me for weeks on end and once HE decided he wants me in his life again HE let me know. I cannot go on like this i just cant. wish i never loved him so much. i actually suggested we should break up now as this is basically the 100th time he does this. We do not even fight it is just he cannot or will not discuss anything whatsoever but is quick to tell me he needs time out but i must not see others. This is not stable at all. the slightest thing he goes away for weeks, no contact whatsoever. stupid things like i would book a holiday and he is not satisfied even though he doesnt contribute ONE CENT...... why do i find it hard to let go then i sit around and wait until he comes around whenever that might be.
Find what's loving in this for you, Gerda. Where is the love?
Hi Jane,
I find your articles and blog extremely helpful and have recently completed your programme on breaking the pattern of being with emotionally unavailable men.
I cannot tell much this article and your programme have helped me and have given me such comfort and hope.
I have been in an on and off relationship with a man for two and a half years. The last time I saw him, he took my face in his hands and said how he loves me. He said it had taken him awhile to realise it but he finally knew that he loved me. That was a month ago and after two weeks of excuses not to see me, he has stopped texting and completely disappeared.
What makes this situation so diffcult to let go is the fact that when he said he loved me, he was completely believeable, his heart was open and I was able to catch a glimpse of what he really feels deep down in his heart but is afraid to show.
This time, like so many of your readers, I am determined to shut the door on this chapter, to give myself time to heal and to move forward.
The significant thing for me that you mentioned in your article is knowing where we are at right now and doing what is right for us. It has taken me almost three years to finally see the relationship as it is and to realise that no matter what I do or say, he will never be able to love me the way I deserve to be loved nor will be ever be capable of giving me the relation ship that I desire.
I feel freed from all the doubts and questions that have plagued me for years and now I can have peace of mind in knowing that I have made the right decision for me and my future happiness.
If I can finally break the pattern of attracting and being attracted to these guys, then anyone can do it!
I empathise with anyone who is in this position because I understand the pain, rejection, hurt and of feeling abandoned by the one man who can only make you feel the way he does but remember that none of it is really real and that you deserve so much better!
Amen sista, yes we deserve better. Thank you
Hi Jane and All Kind Souls. First time writing here. Thank you for bearing with me...
I've known my quasi-ex for thirty-five odd years. We were friends mostly. Fooled around to an almost-point several times when we were free. Been in other relationships had kids, and divorced. Him twice. But this last time...though I wanted to be with him, he wasn't quite out of the relationship yet. I stalled him for a year during his separation until he was officially divorced.
Our problems then, hailed from control issues. He seemed changed from the fun person I once knew. Super quick to anger and hard to please. I told him I wasn't into an all text and email relationship. Though I've loved him for years, I wanted to be courted and dated. Not just be his text for go to sex. When I resisted, he was very adamant. Said he needed to be able to "trust me to have phone conversation", or to meet in person, even for coffee. I endured months of this, constantly trying to prove myself worthy of dating which we both assumed would eventually lead to a fuller relationship. He made most arrangements, or if I was making arrangements he had to approve them, and things would get so bogged down it could take a month to plan a trip to the movies. For the final few months all contact was through text. The few times I disagreed, we fought. He'd block me from text and insist we communicate only through email. There he'd block and unblock me until I'd give in. Sometimes he disappeared for months at a time.
One night about six months ago, I stood my ground. I told him to call me and I wanted to talk seriously about our issues. He refused, threatened to block me for my "bad" behavior. I wrote him maybe we should block eachother. He was angry and agreed. He did mention that he could see I was standing my ground. And it wasn't something he liked. That I "needed to change" and "get better" before we could continue on as we were.
So he blocked me. And then I faltered...I couldn't do it. I don't take my friendships lightly, and would have happily been friends only. Wrote him for the past six months saying essentially, "Hey, let's get back to what we had before dating wrecked what we had; a good friendship."
But no response.
So...your site has kept me going.
Little by little, though I mourn the friendship we once shared, and the fun person who he once was, I'm taking baby steps to accept this final rejection. To forgive myself for my mistakes and for clinging. To realize my friendship hasn't been equally reciprocated. And to return to valuing myself and the friendships I have with others in my life.
My baby steps have finally led to a great big step...blocking him in return. From everything. FB, yahoo, gmail, et.al.
I wrote a final note last night/early today:
~You've been six months gone, I think. I've written you twice a month because I believed our friendship could be saved, [his name]. I waited all afternoon for you to say, "Don't go. Let's be friends again."
This is the last wait.
The fact is; I'm here.
And you're not.
Well...here I am, standing in your doorway. I've always been standing in your doorway.
But that ghost; she is fading. Half a year is long enough.
I think I'm finally strong enough to block you in return. So don't unblock and write to me. This time...you're too late. ~
It hurts too much to wait and hope for his return. A return to what?
So this article spoke to me. LOUDLY. Enough for me to feel I've made the right decision.
With all of this said. With all of the stress of 'will he reappear' suddenly gone. Knowing that he's not the same person I once knew. Knowing that removing the contact is the right decision...
Why do I feel like crying?
And that's a wrap. That's all I've got. But that's why I'm here, and that's my tale. Thank you again for listening.
You're all so very kind.
~K. ...The Clean Slate
More than long enough, K. So glad you're here, that these are resonating with you. How I hear you through the pain, the heartbreak and yes, especially through those heart-wrenching tears. Long enough. Beautiful goodbye. Here's to you!
I am in the same boat....dating a guy for 5 years now. More or less same age as Joy. This one actually bought a ring but didnt propose for over a year now as HE says I have to change first as I must accept he has other girly friends he likes to talk to and i do not accept it.....thing is I also took all my stuff out of his house and he is clinging doesnt want me to break up with him but he so often takes time out for weeks at a time......
Don't ever accept what you can't accept, Gerda. You know!
Jane, I wrote to you before, about this guy I have been seeing or 3 and a half years, waiting and hoping he would want to marry me. Every time I ask him if he want to marry me he says he don't know, what does that mean? This has gone on for the last 3 years. I feel like he should know what he wants to do, at his age, he is 63 and I am 67. I asked him last week again if he wanted to marry me and he said he has not made a decision yet. We don't live together or any thing, but I went over and stayed every weekend and sometimes I would stay all week . This time when he told me he had not made a decision, I got all my clothes and things and put them in my car and told him when he know to let me know. Jane he was very good to me. He gave me everything I wanted or asked for, but he would not give me a ring when I asked him for one. He said no ring. Is there any thing you can tell me I should do. I don't want to go back unless, he calls me first and want marriage.
It means he doesn't know, Joy. And that means he's not going to marry you. If he was ready, you'd be the first to know. Stop asking him. Stop pressuring him. If this is your decision, don't waver on it. He knows your terms. He knows how much that ring means to you. You have to decide whether he's worth accepting him where he is and taking him without the ring, or leaving him until he's ready. But from what I'm hearing from you, you sound crystal clear. Never apologize for standing up for what you want if that's what you want!
dear Jane,
Your post is exactly what i needed to hear today. I live in Switzerland, Europe, and I've been talking to an man living in India for one and half year. We haven't met. I first didn't want to get to know him, as we live so far from each other and as he is 2 years younger than me (I'm 36). But as he insisted and was so nice, I agreed and got to know him via skype and whatsapp. He's a doctor and lost his parents quite recently and is facing issues with his brother who wants more heritage. He is separated but not yet divorced.
He has always been nice to me but lately he doesn't initiate contact as he used to. He told me it's because of the issues he's facing due to his brother which occupy his mind more than romance. Still if he has time to give "likes" on fb to friends, I guess he would find time to send a smiley to me. He was planning to come to study in UK, but it didn't work. So he says he will come next year. I think after one and half year, it would be time to meet in person, really! But every time I tell him he's becoming distant , etc. he just tells me: relax.
I really like him and his mind might be really busy for now... so it's difficult for me to move on... Reading your post again and again might help me to let him go to find someone available for me and my 12 yrs old son. Thank you!
oh I'm so glad this came through for you today, Madina. This - what he's showing you - is what he has to give. Is it enough? Is it enough for now? Allow yourself to be honest with yourself, to find some peace with what is and not what you wish it could be - and your answers will become more and more clear. Much love to you as you walk through this. You are so right that if one has time to give "likes" on Facebook, one certainly can make some time for you!
Thank you for your answer, dear Jane. You really have wise advice and a loving, caring and clear vision. I used to think about what I can give to my potential partner and if I could love him... and through your posts, I'm learning to think the other way round... Means observing what my potential partner has to offer to me and if he's able to love me...Thanks a lot! My best wishes.
So glad you brought this up, Madina, BOTH need to be part of the internal conversation. What you can give to your potential partner and if you could love him AND what he can give to you!
That's so true... Thanks a lot, dear Jane. Best regards
I met a man 5 months ago he makes me laugh like I'm a school girl we have had some great fun times and just when I thought things were good then he backed off then he said he didn't want a relationship hr just wants a best friend right now and see where it goes. Well we are good friends but then 2 weeks later we start kissing and touching but we have not slept together then one day I went to kiss him and then he said again just friends. I am getting so many mixed signals I don't know what to do. I have never experienced this from a man before. What to do...
Help
Focus on you: how do you feel about this situation of not knowing where you stand? Do you want this situation? What are you looking for: a friend, a casual fling, or a real relationship? Think about those things without including him. It's about figuring out where you truly are and what you truly want. Once you are clear on that, it will be much easier for you to decide if being with this person on his wishy washy terms is in your best interest. This guy sounds like a casual fling sort of guy. He sounds like a man who just wants the benefits of your attention and the feel good vibe you give him without having to give you anything in return. So, get clear on where you truly are, be brutally honest with yourself and then openly, honestly, and kindly talk with this person and let him know where you are. If he is just not compatible with that, then let him go, amicably. Clarity, transparency from you to you and to other people is the best policy to create healthy dynamics and to take care of yourself.
So true, Angel!
The only way to deal with a man who's confused, Ginger, is to choose not to get wrapped up in his confusion. Believe the friend statements; these are the ones that will cause you the least amount of heartbreak in the end than believing anything else. A man who wants to be more than friends will always make sure there is no doubt in your mind what he wants!
Thank you for being here with me - with us - struggling to determine the next right step and just allowing and accepting me in this painful spot. I have let go...mostly....but am still hanging on to threads of hope with a man who betrayed me and abused my trust and abused me emotionally for nearly 2 years. He was in multiple relationships and lying to me about it.
We took a break when I discovered his misdeeds, but then I let him back in a few months later after he promised he changed and promised me everything I always wanted. Having him back in my life was torture as I could not figure out what was real, what was true, what was the path for me. I was ignoring my intuition and lying to many in my life about him being back in my life.
I finally listened to myself and called for another break. I am hoping I can stay away and give myself a very long time apart from him, but am starting to feel that old familiar tug of missing him and wanting to see if really he means all those things he said - if really we could have the love and partnership I desire.
Every message from the universe is pointing me towards being alone, being with myself, taking a break from relationships so that I can heal and restore and learn what I truly need -- and that it cannot come from a man (or any person) outside of myself.
I may not be able to 100% cut the hope of this man out of my life today, but I am supported and encouraged by your message and will walk this journey knowing I am not alone in feeling confused and burdened in relationship today.
So glad this resonated with you, Tanya. Do what you need to take care of you, to be loving and kind and gentle to you. That's always the first step! Take this message with you every single day. You were never made to be burdened down with confusion and uncertainty when there is so much love around you! See the love, feel what that feels like, see him for who he is and who he simply can't be, and that in itself will help you become free - even as you are in the midst of it!
Hi Jane,
Unfortunately I find myself a second time in a row with someone who has doubts if he's willing to go all in. Though more ope and honest then the one before, I feel helpless. We've been dating only 2 weeks and all has proceeded quickly. We're very similar and deep and introspective Both just got divorced. But unlike other relationships in my past, we talk about everything. And that has brought us to talk about if he wanted kids. I have 2 and can't have anymore. He's always wanted some, now he's getting older and feels like he would have to forever give up that idea forever if he pursues a relationship with me. Also his ex won't leave him alone. Legal stuff and now wants him back. So he's feeling that those 2 things he has to sit with and is keeping him from going all in. Because we talk a lot, which is amazing & different for me, it also makes it heavy early on. I feel like it has put a damper in the joy we share of getting to know each other and letting things flow. I feel guilty for bringing up if he's though about it again and now I feel him pulling away. On that last talk he said being open with me is what he loves about us. But we're damned if we do talk about it damned if we don't. Cause if we waited it would still be on back of his mind & would eventually resurface. Though I feel like I ruined it by ringing it back up before I left him house this weekend. My fears took over and I wanted to fix what made me feel not safe. I wanted him to say after this weekend that he was all in. But it only made it worse. I made think more & now he feels guilty to put me in this position. Because he still has to figure it out on his own. Meanwhile his ex is outta control. Help Jane. What do I do. I feel him slipping away. He has only responds with short texts these last 2 days
Anna
It sounds like he's feeling too much pressure right now to give you the answer you're looking for to feel secure. He's got a lot going on, a lot to sort out until he can give you what you're asking of him. It's not that you're asking for too much, it's that it's too much right now for him. Give him that space, let him come to you as he sorts through this on his own right now. He knows how you feel. He knows what you need from him. Focus on you these next few days or however long until he reaches out to you. If he values your open communication as much as he says he does, he'll be back to try to work through this with you. Trust that love will always find a way if both people want it to, but you can't be the only one trying to make this happen. And remind yourself that it's only been two weeks. Time to find some peace and calm within yourself by taking a deep breath and accepting that you will know more soon. And don't be afraid of whatever happens, Anna; it's always in your best interest to slow things down, to take your time to really get to know someone before you're in too deep to see things objectively. This is your time to take loving care of you!
Thank you Jane for your feedback. Your right, I am much to focused on him & he needs the time to sort things out for himself. I tend to want to fix things so that it feels safe. But it's up to him if he wants this too. I've been contemplating sending him an email of how I didn't mean to selfishly push him to give me an answer to help my insecurities. But I somehow my attempt to make it lighter might look or feel pushy aswell and add pressure instead of alieving it. So I guess pulling back & waiting for him to come to me is probably my own resort. I felt I was evolving by talking about important stuff. Didn't realize it might make things more difficult instead & sound like I'm in too deep too soon. 🙁
You HAVE evolved! Don't take this out on you! Just not that early, not that soon before you've gotten to know him well enough to KNOW that he's safe for you - that he's worthy of that kind of depth. It didn't make things more difficult - they were already difficult without you doing anything at all.
You were right. I got the dreaded call. He's not ready for this pipe dream he called it. He's not ready for commitment & to be seen to that extent this soon. He feels too vulnerable & engaged & not ready to give himself fully in a relationship. So he says he needs space & wants us to keep communicating to see if he gets out of that feeling in case it's only fear. Not reassuring to me. Not fun not to be wanted right away & that he's taking a chance to let me go. I don't understand the " I m so into it I got to run". I'm deeply sad 🙁 Don't know how to react if or when he calls or texts again How do I deal with our future communications knowing all this and him being on the fence or just not choosing to stay with me ??
I am going through a 2+ years on and off relationship. Summer he is gone riding his motorcycle with his "friends". He doesn't want a commitment because he was married for 32 years and he left. We say I love you but contact is getting less and less. My heart is heavy and I struggle walking away. I stay in touch so he knows I'm always there. I was married 28 years and my ex had an affair and left. I want to find peace and happiness but doesn't look good.
You know what? He has already left you so feel no guilt about putting yourself online and start looking. Treat him as one of the other men that you will be dating casually. You have to retrain your brain as people like us,form very strong attachments to our romantic partner, whether he/she be good or bad. As Jane states, if you find an emotionally available person then you will not have these problems! Please take Jane's steps and redeem yourself from this quagmire!
Exactly, Shaunie! Thank you. 🙂
Can you find some peace and happiness by accepting the reality of who this man is, Kris? We free ourselves when we stop fighting this reality, when we accept that who he's showing us he is IS who he is! If you can find some peace with that, you will be in a much better place to choose whether you can live with this reality. Not out of fear of being alone, but out of a conscious choice where you take back your own beautiful power by choosing instead of settling. That part will always be yours. I wish you clarity as you walk through this. Trust yourself; the answers are already within you.