When I say you can never be too much or not enough for someone who is truly right for you, when I validate you for being who you are, when I advocate for you and every woman like you to stand in your own beautiful feminine power instead of bending and changing for a man, there’s a reason.
There will always be the easy answer, the simple answer that someone could argue. If he was really that into you, he’d be with you.
And while on the one hand I’ll agree with that statement for the most part, there’s another side to this that creates a fallout that no one ever talks about until it’s happened enough times that you go digging for answers and find your way here.
And that’s when you begin to see yourself in a whole new light. That’s when the answers you just knew had to be there suddenly appear.
Because I’ve been there. And I've seen both sides of this story.
Because I’ve worked with enough women who’ve been there and were about to settle for this simple answer before they threw open the doors to this story and found something they never believed they’d find; love.
So I want to go deeper on this with you. I don’t want you to be unprepared with an answer – even if it’s just to your own nagging doubt - when you hear someone simplify why he won’t commit, why he's pulling away, why he disappeared, or why he dumped you again.
Walk through this one with me.
If he were just not into you, it would be over. Done.
He leaves. He tells you he can’t commit. He disappears. He says “it’s not you, it’s me” and says he just wants to be friends.
This is where “their” answer comes in as true. Yes, he’s not that into you. But why? Because you’re “not enough”? Because you’re “too much”? Because there’s something “lacking” in you? Because you’re not so wonderful after all?
No! Emphatically NO!
You see, this is how we respond to he’s just not that into you. We answer it with a shot to our worth, our worthiness, our deserving of a love that loves us back as much as we love! We bury ourselves in what’s wrong with us, in what we did wrong, in what we need to do differently.
We could choose to look at that on a practical level, as in, I slept with him too soon and need to wait until I know he’s on the same page as me next time, or, I gave my heart away too soon without knowing that he was in this for the same thing as me.
That’s constructive!
But what we usually do is the opposite. We take it oh so personally, we go so deep with it, into the depths of our souls, belittling ourselves, berating ourselves for everything we are that we’re way too much of, and everything we’re not that we should be.
We take it all on ourselves.
Everything that’s ours to own, but mostly what is never, ever ours to own. Like what someone’s personal opinion is of us. Like what someone’s personal preferences are when it comes to relationships. Like everything about what makes someone’s view of us about them!
This is the part I can’t stress enough!
Whether you’re someone’s particular cup of tea or not has no bearing on whether you have value and worth in your own right. But what we do with this is that, instead of taking it as information, we take it as a judgement of ourselves.
We take on their stuff, and we sentence ourselves to the worst kind of judgement. Our own.
This is where we beat ourselves up. Or we take the other approach, with a tough outer facade approach where we pretend what they think of us doesn’t matter, but bury those same feelings deep down inside us so the only thing that comes out on the surface is a pretense of a strong women who’s slowly dying inside.
Neither works!
What works is seeing this – clearly! – so you can take the only appropriate response that doesn’t destroy you and everything you’ve been working toward in the process. The one where you take what you’re meant to see from this learning experience, you change or modify what you’ve learned, but then you respond with the only action that validates (and thus frees) both of you.
You recognize you’ll never be everyone’s cup of tea, but neither will everyone be yours. You say “Thanks for what I’ve learned, for what you’ve shown me that I’ll choose to take or leave based on what I choose to do with it”.
And then you’ll move on to find the ones who are right for you, whose cup of tea you’ll exactly be! And who will validate in you everything that you thought you had to change.
Do you see this?
Can you see – and for you beautiful feelers (I’m speaking especially to you) can you feel – the difference?
Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Don’t let anyone make what someone else thinks of you about you.
This big, beautiful world of ours is big enough to accommodate all kinds of personalities and all kinds of "not enough" and "too much" people depending on who you happen to ask. This is why there’s someone for everyone.
Look around you. See that? There is! You just have to find them.
There’s always someone out there looking for you and it’s only by being your true whole self that the ones who are truly compatible with you find you.
And what makes this easier is that they’re the same ones looking for you. You don’t want someone who’s looking for anyone else!
What about you? Did this start to make it clearer for you? Let me know in the comments!
I so needed to read this today!! Thank you for these uplifting words that speak directly to my feelings.
So glad, JoAnn!
Hi Jane,
I am so glad I found this article and your website! I have been reading lots of your posts and downloaded the 'emotionally unavailable men' audio programme and it had really helped me to understand my situation.
I was recently dating a guy for 6 months, I knew him as worked with him a few years ago (we are from the same hometown although we didn't really know each other well at the time we worked together). However we got together over Christmas when we met up again after matching on a dating app. He seemed so into me at first, he was very keen after 1 month to make sure that we were exclusive and that I was known as his 'girlfriend'. It all seemed so great and flattering at first, plus we got along very well. I knew that he had some issues with anxiety (a stutter) but this did not bother me, and he said he'd never felt this way before - that he could finally be himself around someone, and of course that was amazing for me to hear. The relationship carried on well for the next 5 months, it seemed that way at the time anyway. We saw each other once or twice a week and texted daily. We waited 5 months before becoming intimate (both our decisions) and then.. Out of the blue, things seemed to change. Despite him saying that we had such a connection and that he was "falling in love" with me, and that he was so happy..I began to see him less in the final month that we were together. This was even more strange because for the first 5 months I was away at university (about an hour from our hometown) and for the final month I had moved back to our hometown when my exams were over. He said that he was so excited that I was moving home and that I would be "sick" of seeing him, but when I did move home I actually saw him less. He began cancelling plans (something he had never really done before) and making excuses that he was ill, or tired or stressed at work. I continued to see him but only about once a week. I thought it was strange but I accepted his excuses, until one weekend he became particularly silent. As he had said that he was ill I was worried that something terrible had happened when I didn't hear from him for a whole day (he wasn't a big texter but I did hear from him at least a few times a day). After 24 hours I called him and his phone went to voicemail. He texted me straight away and said that he was in a meeting at work but would text me 'later'. Later never came and I never heard from again. I decided not to chase after him, but did text him a general message 1 week later as an "ice breaker" in case he felt bad for not texting me. I received no reply. And have never heard from him since.
Looking back I now see how I wasn't being "myself" during the relationship, I was too worried to text if I felt like I was annoying him, I was worried to suggest things that I knew he wouldn't like..etc etc. I didn't hear from him nearly as much as I wanted (a couple of times a day didn't seem enough for me but I didn't want to tell him). Now I see that I was too scared to "rock the boat" in so many ways, and that if he was the right man for me, I would never have to worry about that. I now think that he was almost completely emotionally unavailable - he seemed to change when I moved back to our hometown, when I suggested that he should meet my friends, shortly after he met my family... I had only met his mother once and had never met the rest of his family. When we (rarely) talked about our feelings he would say things like 'I am in danger of falling in love with you' (almost as if it was a bad thing!) Now I believe that he had no idea how to handle his emotions or being in a relationship. While I believe that he did feel that connection with me (as he said he did), I think when things got too "real" or serious, he backed off. It was very upsetting and a knock to my confidence that he did not give me an explanation and just "disappeared" but I guess that I saw his true colours by him doing that. Interestingly, when we were together he also told me that he was with his ex for 5 months, I asked why they had broken up and he couldn't give me an answer. However I know from texts that he showed me (from his ex) that he didn't give her an explanation about their break up either, and she had kept texting asking why he hadn't been in touch (to which he did not reply).
I had almost come to terms with the end of our relationship and him disappearing (he disappeared 2 months ago now). However I was somewhat surprised a few days ago to find that he was active on the dating app again, so I wondered - do these type of guys just keep repeating the same pattern of these short, intense relationships hoping that things will be different next time? I wonder if you had any suggestions about this? I know I wasn't right for him and he wasn't right for me, but this has left me confused all over again!
I am so glad I haven't "chased" him and have kept a dignified silence, and believe that I have done the right thing by reading your website so thank you for that.
Best wishes X
So glad these posts and my program are really helping you to understand what's going on, JG. We always need to understand before we can decide where we want to go from here! This actually makes sense in so many ways that he started changing when you were suddenly back home and available to spend time with him - even though it never makes sense to us because it directly contradicts what he'd been telling you all along about how much he missed you and couldn't wait to have you there in person. It was too real for him. You're right that he wasn't ready and has a pattern of these short, intense relationship because of exactly that - he hopes things will be different next time because he keeps convincing himself it's about finding the right woman instead of looking within and recognizing that it's something within himself that needs to change that he needs to become aware of instead of projecting his failures on someone or something outside of himself. Whether he gets there or not has nothing to do with you, JG! You've absolutely done the right thing by not chasing him! This is always how you find out the truth!
Thank you Jane! It's great to hear your perspective on this 🙂 I'm so pleased that you think I've done the right thing, it's reassuring to know! X
You're so welcome, JG. Remember, deep down in your heart of hearts, you always know! 🙂
Hello Sue, Angel and Sherrie,
(Oh I'm so pleased I've found this site - thank you Jane).
I am, at last I think, starting to see my situation through different eyes. I've been 'with' a man who won't commit to me, call me his girlfriend, introduce me to friends, say he loves me etc for over a year and a half. Several times I've lost hope, given up, told him I'm leaving and each time he hooks me back in by telling me he doesn't want me to go, says he needs me, that our 'relationship' is the most important in his life and that he can't envisage a future without me. But also says he feels guilty because he can't give me the relationship I want and when I do go back, nothing changes.
I need to be ready to leave him for good (the thought of not being in this anxious, insecure position fills me with relief, but I'm not quite ready to do it yet).
I have been spending some time these last few days thinking how I want to feel. Not what I want - how I want to FEEL. I've made a list and right at the top are 'loved' and 'valued'. So I then thought what I would need in my life, or need to be doing in order to feel loved and valued. And you know what? I don't think I need a man to feel that way! Obviously eventually I do want a partner but right now I think I need to find those feelings without a man. I think until now I've only thought I could get those feelings by being with someone but I'm rethinking that. We are SO vulnerable if we think that these feelings can only come from a partner.
This ties in with what you said in your other post to me, Angel, about creating in myself the qualities I desire in the man I was hanging onto. I understand ?.
And only when we've created all this for ourselves will we be ready for another relationship. Then our boundaries will automatically be in place because any compromise of those will damage the happiness we already have - we'll notice it happening, feel it, and put a stop to it.
There's no doubt we are all damaged by our experiences. But we do have the power to heal ourselves if we focus on US for a while, I think.
I'm so glad, Tina. Welcome! It's such a beautiful thing to see what happens when we support each other from a place of love and "I've been there, too" So glad you found your way here. 🙂
Hey Jane,
I just love your site and your nurturing advice, it's helped me so much, thank you!
I ended a relationship 5 weeks ago because he stopped texting and stopped wanting to see me, it was strange because he was in this "caring" attention giving mood our last night together, he opened doors and paid more attention to me than he ever had before..
After that night he texted less and less.. never suggested seeing me anymore..
I was on his snapchat and facebook. I would see his snaps and see that he was having all kinds of fun out with his friends and one time he was with another girl at her house!! Of course he said she had been a friend for 10 years when I asked him about her. This horrid nightmare went on for a month, finally I could not take seeing his snaps and could not stand him totally ignoring me but still paying attention to my snaps, I know it sounds childish regarding snaps but seeing his snaps I feel kinda kept me "attached" to him, like he was still in my life and at the same time destroyed my heart.
I finally got angry one night, texted him a couple angry texts. He did not respond, of course. The next morning I blocked him from my snapchat and unfriended him on facebook. We havent been in touch since it's been about 5weeks. I went out on a date with another guy and had a nice dinner. . When I got home that night after dinner, I hadmy ex a strong urge to go inside and call my ex! I do not know why I had this horrible urge to call him after 5 weeks with no contact and I was doing really well. I did not contact him, I fought off this "urge". I am so confused as to WHY I had that uncontrollable urge to call my ex, particularly right after my date, btw, I don't like this other guy I went on the date with I see too many red flags . PLEASE tell me why I would want to contact the ex? It';s almost like the date made me miss my exQ@!Q
It's because you have not healed. You need time for you. You were looking for you ex in him and when you could not find it, you went back to the toxic situation.
I've been there soooooo many times.
Don't beat yourself up about it. Just know that this will pass and you will be okay in time.
O my gosh Dana, this is horrible.. it's like my mind is playing tricks on me!
Sometimes I feel like I just need to "stay in" my house, it's almost like I cannot trust me!
Jane,
Thank you so much for your wisdom. I came to your site because I kept getting involved with the same type of man. A man who is emotionally unavailable, critical of me and not willing to commit.
Through your site, I understand now that I didn't believe I was "good enough" to be treated well. It was felt "normal" for me to be ignored, criticized and not worth the commitment.
I worked on me and my self esteem and have finally come to understand that I am worthy of kindness and I deserve to be loved for the beautiful person I am. It's about time! (I'm 56 years old)
Fast forward.....now I am in a relationship with a happy, calm, kind and loving man. He actually calls ME beautiful! Imagine that!!
Thank you, Jane!
oh Colleen, I am so happy for you! It's not about time; it's about your time! I can't tell you how thrilled I am for you to experience this for yourself. It's such an honor for me to be a part of your journey, and I'm touched by your beautiful words. I CAN imagine that. You're finally being seen for what you've always been! 🙂
Thank you. I needed this! For the last 6 years since my divorce, each time I finally trust someone enough to fall in love and have a relationship (after they pursue me aggressively) then it always ends the exact same way... They come on strong, make promises, plan the future & even bring up marriage. Then, overnight, they flip a switch, turn cold or get back with their ex. It's a pattern of feeling like I need to be seduced in order to fall in love, but then I'm easily seduced. And always feel blindsided when they change their mind literally overnight. I never see it coming & always question what I did wrong... Other than fall in love with men who can't commit...but then they commit to the crazy, abusive women who have already wrecked their lives... I don't get it??
Yep...this has happened to me twice in 6 years since my divorce from an over 20 year marriage....CONFOUNDING
Jane, your thoughts?
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Melanie. If you just do one thing different the next time you find yourself with someone who pursues you aggressively "comes on strong, makes promises, plans the future & even brings up marriage", it's going to make a huge difference in the outcome. THIS is your signal to take. it. slow. Very slow! Talk yourself through it - you don't know him well enough to know if you can trust his words. You need actions - consistent actions over time that show you he's in this for the long term AND on the same page as you. There's so much more than I can get into here without knowing you and these men better, but you need to see words backed up by actions over time that translate into a real relationship, not an image of what he's trying to be to win you over and then poof! You deserve so much more than this, but to get that, you've got to make these men work for you to prove that they're worthy of all that you are and all that you have to offer in the first place! Don't go giving away what's worth its weight in gold: your beautiful giving, caring, loving heart and everything else that makes you YOU!
Thank you, Jane, for that! It is so bad when they pursue you...and I mean...taking you to different states to meet their kids, their parents...several times! Even when you are trying to be careful and not put it all on the line right away...and they STILL DO IT! I mean spending lots of time together on the phone or in person...having good times, getting along well...no big arguments...AND THEN, WHAM!
I am one year next week since the second guy did me like this after a 10 month relationship. After my long marriage and 2 major heartbreaks since...I feel so broken and jaded that I don't have the stomach for anything anymore. I haven't had a date in a year since the second guy totaled what was left of my heart.
I have read a lot about men and dating, etc....your advice is great. But I feel as if I have pretty much retreated emotionally...so much damage has been done. It used to be that the thought of being alone forever just sent me into a tailspin...now I am just kind of resigning myself to that being the way it is going to be. I cannot bring myself to go back online to any of those awful dating sites (where I got my heart broken twice.)
Everything I read about men and the things I have experienced with men these 6 years after my divorce make me think they are just not worth it. So much heartlessness and dishonesty out there with men, especially in my age group. (I am 51, but no one believes I am near that old when I tell them.) Most men just seem to be broken, don't know what they want, change their minds on a dime, not motivated for marriage, and have zero conscience when it comes to misleading a woman and hurting her...They seem to just dust themselves off and walk away, even if they were deeply involved with a woman they had brought into their families! I am here to tell you that even if they "do and say all the right things," you see on all the "signs they are in love with you/want to be with you" lists, they can drop it in a New York minute!
I no longer trust my judgment. Again...even after a year break, I feel too wounded to take anymore chances. Even though recently, my very first boyfriend ever (from high school) has been talking to me after his divorce.
Any advice?
Thanks so much, Jane...I really like the advice you give and they way you speak to us!
I so hear you, Sue. I can really understand why you doubt your judgement. The rug has been pulled from underneath you. You feel like there is no way you can know what is real and what isn't. I am so sorry you're emotionally detached. I am right in that place right now too.
About the high school boyfriend.... Be cautious. That's another story I have heard many many times. Guy from high school gets in touch because or after he is in the middle of a divorce or has been divorced 6 months. Woman falls for it, magic, and then bam. He disappears, pulls away, or says he doesn't know what he wants, he can't commit,he is not ready.... You know the stuff. So, be very careful especially if you are vulnerable.
Take time off dating, focus on you, working through your hurts, get back on your feet. You deserve to feel alive again
Wow! Thank you, Angel! You are so right...about EVERYTHING YOU SAID! And you are right...I sure do "know the stuff...."
Thank you for your sweet response and encouragement...and I will tell you that you give great advice that is good for you, too! Solidarity!
Have a great weekeknd!
I've never genuinely liked someone before and my first time I did I fell hard for the guy. we were together for one year one month and something days but the last month ish was strange-he didn't visit me even though he worked 10 mins from my house, he eventually stopped responding to me the last few weeks. I was so frustrated I went to his work place to confront him even though I had a nursing exam final 6 days later. I came to find the truth, an explanation of why he stopped talking to me and stopped visiting me. he said that his parents wanted him to move back to the city he originally lived in (about 2 hours away) before coming down to the current city he works at/where I live. He also said that he's at a point in his life where he doesn't know what's going to happen, his path in life is changing, he's not in a good position to be in a relationship, he wasn't that good with relationships,he was scared of commitment, and he said that his feelings for me slowly disappeared over time. even though it's been since March I'm not done with the healing process. what makes this all better is when I go pass his workplace I still see his car.
oh Diane, I hear you. It's so hard to get over someone when you keep seeing his car at his workplace. Can you go a different route that takes you anywhere but past there? More than the physical reminders, remember that this is a man who's telling you everything about him and where he's at. This isn't about you! Whether they're excuses for what he's not willing to deal with or put into any other words, or actions to change this, believe him. He's not capable of giving you what you so deserve! The majority of women I work with are in the helping professions, just like you, who give and give and give to everyone else but themselves. You've got to love yourself, too, Diane! You've got to fill your own cup with the love you give out, with everything you give so much of so you don't deplete yourself. It's not selfish; it's so necessary to changing our patterns and for giving ourselves the love we deserve. Change that part, Diane, choose to do for yourself only what's loving and honoring of you, and you're going to find your way back first to you, and then to someone who will never EVER dream of saying things like this to you!
Thank you Jane! I think this is the hardest journey yet because this is the first time someone else initiated the split. I accept what happened,I honor his wishes and desires. I do also acknowledge there were things I was at fault, I kind of pushed the relationship to move somewhat faster than it should move at a natural pace. I think the difficult part of the aftermath of this is the emotional aspect.I'm afraid of potentially becoming closed off, building walls in the future because I was pretty vulnerable with my current ex.
I agree with this so much, I've been told by so called friends that guys who haven't been able to commit to me meant he just weren't into me which meant to them I weren't good enough, I had nothing to offer, I would only be ever good enough for sex . The why men pull away course has taught me it has nothing to do with me as a person I'm just choosing these people because of my emotionally unavailable parents
I'm so glad this resonated so much with you, Katrina. How cruel these words must have been to hear, and how much damage we do to ourselves when we take them to heart as truth. Be so proud of yourself for picking yourself up, shaking those untruths off of you and coming through to see your own truth. Thank you for sharing, and for being here. They don't know. But you do!
I met a man aat work and had all the right vibes about him at first and even rejected him at first. But I gave in and fell
For the feelings he awakened in me of sex and romance that I had not experiences in years. I couldn't understand why he would disappear for months without calling. It's been 7 months since I last spoke with him and I realize this is a man not worthy of me. I learned he had served two years in prison and that he lies. I realize that a man who remains single for 20 years has issues with relationships. Although I realize I am older and not what he prefers, I also realize he is not a man who will make me happy in the long run because I doubt he can give me all the emotional support I need. He is a man with issues about himself and life and maybe he thinks I'm too good for him and the truth about him will turn me off.
I cried for many months but now Indon't think of him as often and I don't cry as much. I am glad he gas given me time to reflext on my own weaknesses and fantasies about love that always land me with men who are not right for me. I have not experienced true love although I have been loved. I don't know if I ever will be in that perfect relationship, experiencing true, wholesome love as I am 66 years old. But I am beginning to see where I am wrong in my thinking and attraction to the wrong men.
I know I must find a good friend before he becomes a good lover. I must learn a lot of truth about him before I make him up in my mind. I must be able to be me with him in mind, body and spirit. This is what I think real love should be.
Exactly, Connie! My heart goes out to you for what you've been through. Each and every one of your tears is precious. They're how we heal, and they're worth so much. Value them. Value yourself. I have seen real love come to women of similar ages as you in the most beautiful unions no matter where they had been and what they had gone through. You deserve so much more than what you would have been settling for with him. Don't doubt that there isn't exactly that kind of love - and that kind of friend and lover! - waiting for you as much as you've been waiting for him. You'll know it, you'll know when, and you'll know without a doubt when it's him!
Thank you again for your much needed message. I got I love you but I'm not in love with you. Do after three insane years I told him I was DONE. I cried for 7 months and wished him NO happiness. I could not forgive him and I could not forgive myself ...felling very ashamed. He hasn't called. I haven't called him. His family likes me. I called his mom after his sister told me she was ill. But my plan is to extinguish all ties to him. Unfortunately that is his family. I still want to say mean things to him so I haven't severed the emotional tie. I need to keep praying for that to happen. He is a chef. And we cooked together. If I chop a pepper I think of him. If I see a blue truck I am reminded that I helped him get on his feet. No more social worker relationships for me.
I so hear you, Ellen. There's a world of difference between the two and you deserve nothing less than the real thing!
Sometimes I have flashbacks of my ex putting me down yet to this day he claims he wants me .. It took a lot but I left him over 4 years ago - such a toxic situation . Sometimes men ( and people ) like to project their insecurities on you because they feel inadequate - your just an innocent bystander who got caught in the crossfire .We should always be looking to self improve but not for someone to love us - in fact that never works .Our approval and love of ourselves is actually what draws others to us . It took me years to understand that - but today I would never change who I am for anyone ..
You've said this so well, Tay. Thank you for sharing. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this so clearly now. This is so true!
This is a tough one to remember all the time, especially for women who have known nothing but pain in the love department. I have learned so much about myself, my mistakes, what I truly need and what I wish for myself. I catch myself quicker whenever I go to the familiar place of belittling myself every time a guy I like doesn't like me back. But I am still learning and still working on changing that internal dialogue and it has definitely helped. I don't cry every other day like I used to. I cry maybe twice a month lol. But I personally think it's great progress. I wish more people understood this. I think we would all be better off if we didn't take "rejection" personal. I have become less concerned with what men think of me. I still feel a bit scared on dates about being or doing anything wrong, but little by little I have been more courageous and speaking my mind. I feel a bit freer now.
It IS great progress, Angel. But don't negate those tears. They're precious, beautiful tears that reflect your beautiful heart and soul. We heal through our tears. Without them, we stay stuck right where we are. I've had clients who've spent the majority of their sessions crying, their hearts still breaking, still feeling the pain of what they're so sure was the most incredible man they lost because of something they could or should have done differently. But it was through being heard through their tears, through being understood and loved through those tears that their healing began and in their own time and way, they came out on the other side and found they could see what they couldn't see before - and found a love unlike anything they had ever believed they could hope for before. Baby steps. Remember that. You can't expect to see now what you're going to see from there. Believing it, finding people who believe in you and can help you see it for you, this is how we get there. One step at a time. You deserve nothing less than a love that matches your own, Angel. Let that be your guide. Your intuitive self knows this, too!