Our beautiful friend, Jade, was stood up and she's wondering if she should confront him, or just walk away.
Here's her story:
I normally don't write...but I find your blogs to be extremely helpful and on point.
And I'm in need of some advice. Or just clarification on what might have happened.
I dated a guy off and on for a year. Each time we took a break it was because I wanted a relationship and he did not. His excuse was he just got out of a long term relationship before he met me and wasn't ready.
We started talking again after three months of no contact. He stated he was thinking of me and wanted to meet up for dinner soon.
I was a little reluctant but agreed.
We planned to meet on Friday and he even confirmed the day before. Friday came and went and he was a no show.
I got stood up and I'm embarrassed, very confused and hurt. I called that night cause that's not like him I was concerned. I didn't bad mouth him. I just said we had plans. Let me know if you're OK.
He didn't answer my call.
What do you think went wrong? Why would he make plans and not show? Should I confront him of his actions and see if he responds? Or cut my losses because I'm ready to never speak to him again?
- Jade
My Response:
Dear Jade,
I have one word for you: “confusion”.
Whenever there’s confusion, the answer is clear. Crystal clear.
Unless you want to be confused, unless you want to live in a state of confusion, overthinking and second-guessing and wondering what might be or could possibly be, cut your losses and instead choose you!
There are men who are confused, and then there are men who are not confused.
Before I met the man who would become my husband, I would have emphatically told you there was only one kind of man – the confused kind. The kind who would call and make plans and then disappear never to be heard from again. The kind who would come on so strong, and then slowly but surely become distant without any explanation.
The kind who would hide behind so many different excuses or reasons that I never knew who or what I was dealing with.
But when you make a conscious, deliberate decision to leave all these kinds of men behind, something happens. You take back your own power, you create a new kind of essence for yourself, you become the woman who knows what she wants and refuses to settle for anything less. You become you again!
Most of us don’t even know who we once were or where we’ve come from. Few of us have any clue that we used to be different or that our birthright is one of power, not of living in a state of confusion.
Don’t give in. Don’t give out. And never, ever give up.
What went wrong is that he wasn’t in the place he thought he was. What went wrong is something that he has to figure out for himself – if he’s motivated to. But it’s not up to you to provide that motivation if he doesn’t first have it within himself!
You’ve reached out with genuine concern for him because, after all, he confirmed with you the day before. It doesn't make sense to you that someone would go to all that effort only to stand you up. So you did what any caring woman would do. You checked in with him. You’ve done your part.
No more confronting him is going to change this. In fact, it will only push him further away if he’s not ready to hear what you have to say. And I can tell you he obviously isn’t if he can’t even return your phone call or step up to the plate and let you know he wasn’t able to meet you after all.
Remember that it’s one thing to think of you and a completely different thing to actually be ready to have a real relationship with you. You deserve more than to be thought of, you deserve to be actively pursued, to be wanted, to be shown with real life actions that don’t leave you guessing whether or not someone wants to be with you.
Don’t hold onto the label of being “stood up.”
There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You took someone at his word and he couldn’t live up to it. That tells you so much about him and where he’s at! Take that information and use it to make your decision. From your own place of power, not from a place of defeat. It’s a gift.
There’s someone else out there who’s going to adore you, Jade, who’s going to love the very things about you that this guy wasn’t able to see or value the way you deserve to be loved and valued.
Information. That’s all it is.
Now you know more. Now you can clarify whether you want to be confused or whether you want to end the confusion. He did what he did because it was where he was at and it was all he had to give you. Now it’s your turn.
The confusion ends here. Enough.
Now let’s go out there with a clarity that will find a crystal clear match who knows beyond a doubt that who and what he wants is a real relationship with you! Look for it, expect it, it’s going to be exactly what’s waiting for you!
What do you think our beautiful friend Jade should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
Continued/I knocked on the door and a stranger answered saying he lived there, had for months, and said he didn't know the man I asked for. I knew it wasn't true, but his body language was weird. I told him I'd got the wrong place and was sorry and left. He drew the curtains so I couldn't see in. I rang the guy and he didn't pick up, tried again, same. I went home, and then it dawned on me that I knew who had answered the door. He had sent me some photos in the summer of a barbecue at his mate's and it was this chap who answered the door. He had sent his mate to lie for him! I really could not believe that a grown man who I trusted would do such a thing. It is pathetic, childish and cruel. Ridiculous! I truly believed it was all genuine and I think it was, but when it got to the crunch, he was too chicken to make it real. I am so hurt that he thinks I am not worthy of a proper explanation or any consideration.
I began chatting with a man in the summer. Not anything to do with dating, but with research. We really got on well, and chatted about so many different things. He sent me playlists, pictures from work, we talked about music, cats, life, work, friends, so much and eventually he told me that he had feelings for me. He gave me so much personal information about his life, friends and past and I know it is genuine because we know people in common.Then it began that he couldn't stop thinking about me, wished I was there etc etc. I began to feel the same. He works 150 miles away and he sent me photos of his apartment, videos of it, the web link.
When it was his birthday I sent him a personalised card to the apartment. I also go to the town he works in for work sometimes and said that when I was next there, could we meet up? Of course, he said. Then came lockdown so that didn't happen but last Friday I got confirmation of a meeting on Monday so I messaged him, saying I would be there next week. He read it but didn't reply. I messaged him Sunday to say I was coming down tomorrow, would he meet me after work. When he didn't read this I WhatsApped him to say the same and he did read this but no reply. After my meetings ended I was baffled and confused so I went to his apartment to see if he was OK because it was out of character. I did feel confident in this because of the nature of our conversations and him giving me all the information about it.
I had this type of situation on and off for a year as well. The last time he stood me up I blocked him. He’s a bad communicator and a liar. You ladies are right, you can’t be with an emotionally unavailable person even if he tells you he loves you and cares about you. Actions speak louder than words. You are worth so much more than the scraps these men give you. I had and am still struggling with NOT contacting him to ask him why he stood me up. I’ve held firm so far. Wish me luck!
You’re better than me. I went ballistic and sent streams of text messages going off for days. 😅
People like this should be rounded up and put on an island where they can all live together and treat each other badly. Spare the rest of the world the indignation. 😕
Put them on the same island with no internet so they can't get hold of any date.
It happened to me twice....the first time was last weekend, he came up with a lame excuse n i let it pass...the last time being yesterday he stood me up again..if he tries to contact me again, I'll just tell him "this is not the characteristics of a man i need in my life, i need a man who is reliable and respectful...it's so clear that you dont know what you want for yourself. When you are sure of what you want, you know where to find me,"
Well this is just my opinion but that’s almost like telling him that you’ll still be there waiting for him no matter how poorly he treats you. Of course I’m single and have been basically all my life so not sure you want to take my advice on this. But speaking from personal experience they will just come back and keep repeating the same things all over again until they get tired of you and move on.
This advice is spot on. I went through this (and am obviously still googling about it). But I did pick up my integrity off the floor and walk away after two texts, a phone call, and FaceTime that he would show up. Then...nothing.
It was a pattern and one I was tired of repeating. I still can't reconcile all the love you, miss you, can't wait to see you texts with the behavior. I honestly don't have any idea why he'd bother if he weren't emotionally available. But that's another question for another day and not one for me to answer.
I went through this 2 days back, he was preaching i want you to meet my parents, I will marry u😂😂😂 but when the day came he was stuck in traffic and never seen.. I called and sent a message to check whether he is OK but there was no response and I told myself that I won't message him again then I realised he blocked me yesterday
At first, I was hurt and disappointed and I called a friend who calmed me down
The way he behaved shows a reflection of the way he is!
It's his loss..
I’m going through something very similar. My heart says contact him to make sure he is in fact, alright and still among the living but my head says he is fine. He’s just not into me as much as he thought. For whatever reasons, and they are his reasons. Not mine. Its hard! And can be heartwrenching. Good luck to all!
I was just stood up last night. Met a guest Saturday, talked on the phone for 6 hrs on Monday, met for coffee on Tuesday, he went out of town for 2 days so we made plans for Friday. He acted like he couldn't wait to see me even confirmed that afternoon then I never heard from after that. I did end up calling him, but of course he didn't answer - in hindsight I probably wouldn't call but it doesn't matternowm. I immediately deleted all his information. This is not the kind of man I want and I know I'm worthy of being treated with decency and respect. It feels amazing to take back my power and say Next!! 🙂
Thanks for sharing
It happened to me last night. We made reservations for 8 my gf and her husband also came and he was looking forward to meeting them.
Called him at 830 no answer called more time’s no answer didn’t show up
No call no text
Felt disrespected and embarrassed
We finally left at 10 30
Got a text a 4 am
Car problem and left phone at home
And of course sorry
Awful feeling inside cried of embarrassment
I recently met a guy on a flight we kind of liked each other althought I notice some arrogance already... we exchanged numbers and he texted me every day so we could set up a "date" with our frinds as well. The date was clearly set up on whatsapp. The same night he said they were going to see another friend in a different club. In other words, he stood me up! Not only that, he wanted us to join him at that new club, completely ignoring the fact that we had already a different plan. Of course I told him No! He then kept texting me, asking where I was, if I made it to the club...he kept texting until the last day of my vacation. He knew I was leaving so he complained he won't see me. I did not want to text him back, but I did. I told him that we had a date a few days ago and he did not show up. Guess what the f* narcissist said: It was you who did not show up! What? So to him, I was supposed to follow him around! I blocked him inmediately! No chances for jerks arrogants. I hope he has learned a lesson, but I doubt it.
After I blocked him I felt so empowered, I had my power back. It is true, when you know how to behave accordingly and do not stand crap anymore, something changes inside of you
I've just been stood up for the fourth time, as I'm leaving this comment I'm asking myself why he keeps doing this whilst waiting to see if he will contact me. I've told him each time that it's not the way I want to be treated and he always talks me round but right now I'm on the verge of tears as I don't understand why he is this way with me. We have not reached the physical stage and I've decided we never will as if this is how he is now I would be devastated after being intimate with him and he behaved the same way.
Why he keeps standing you up is the wrong question. The right question is: why do I give someone a chance to stand me up more than once? Why do I care about someone who doesn't care about me? Why do I hold on for nothing?
Please look within yourself, find your own self, find the beauty and strength you already have and start working on yourself. Cut contact with this person. It doesn't matter why he does what he does. It's disrespectful and a reflection of who he actually is as a person, namely, one who does not deserve your time of day.
Do Jane's program if you can.
Oh, Jade. Your letter resonated with me deeply. I once had something very similar happen to me. And you know what? It hurts. Especially since you've given him more than one chance. Not only are you in pain because he didn't show up, but you feel foolish for believing (repeatedly) that he was capable of a real, mature relationship. Don't feel bad, though. You are a brave soul for putting your feelings out there. He is the one who is missing out on your generous and beautiful spirit.
I admire you greatly for calling to see if he was OK in a calm way. That shows strength, restraint, and dignity, and I'm truly appalled that he would treat such an admirable person with such thoughtlessness. The only way to remain grounded and firm in your self-respect is to drop this person from your radar completely and focus on moving forward.
Jane's advice is spot-on and I hope that you will return and re-read it whenever you need strength. Self-protection is what is called for now. Distance yourself from this person and situation and figure out what will make YOU happy because he is not capable of doing it. Wishing you peace and love and healing.
Jade sounds like a good lady .just first love the LORD pray. then go out with confidence the right one is looking for you to. If you learn to love you and not settle for less than love honesty respect.
Op deserves so much better! If he doesn't ever contact her again, so be it. It's better to know early on that he isn't into her anymore than to string her along even more.
First I would make sure he was ok before doing anything else. But then, why not treat him as if he were just a friend or a relative or a coworker. How would you treat someone else that stood you up? For some reason, when we're dealing with someone we've dated or are interested in, we become so confused and feel guilty for questioning them.
Because we feel like we have so much to lose, Aly. "How would you treat someone else that stood you up?" Exactly!
Hi, it sounds like he is still in love his ex. It's hard for men when they have been in a committed relationship and for some reason it ends.
Do you know what happened?
Don't beat yourself up or question yourself. He wanted to take a chance and he found you. It's all a learning process. Enjoy what you learned, wish him well and see if you can let this go. If he does contact you again be kind and let him know immediately that you need help understanding what happened. If he can't give it to you then you have to let it go. He just can't give you want you need.
Was it only one date?
Did you have sex with him?
Ghosting happens when things move to fast for guys.
I have been chatting for two months thru Match .. arrangements 7 times & right up to the time of meeting made various excuses... he says he is a widow after 30 years married died after short battle with cancer . He also claims to be very shy.
His wife died 3 years ago
He has such mixed emotions... l know the very 1st time I should have told him have more respect.
I think he does like talking to me and daily check in with me but knows no reason for him not to turn up & try to move on...
I think if I lived locally I could organise meetings more casual basis ..I think he’s putting too much pressure on him self to come down to stay .
I’ve tried so many different options but shyness too 🤷♀️Any advice or thoughts
This sounds like catfishing. He can't meet because he's not who he says he is. Soon he'll hit you up for money. Block him.
I completely agree with you, Jane, on this one. This guy does totally look like the one to just stay away from. Why even stress yourself out by contacting him and hearing some sort of lies or excuses again that would confuse everyone even more? He does not deliver, and if he had anything positive to say for himself, then it would totally be his job to reach out and say it. If, however, he ever dares to conract her again perhapse she could use it as a true reason to explain why she would never ever make any plans with him ever again.
As for your general concept, Jane, that there are real men in this crazy complicated world who are always sure of what they want, never have any doubts or get confused, well, I still take it with some scepticism. Perhapse a few such men really exist. Quite possibly you were really lucky to find one of those. But are there emough of those special guys for all of us? I highly doubt that. So most of us will need to find a way to deal with those typical male confusions and doubts. Perhapse ever teach men to deal with them properly, without offending or hurting women they get involved with too much. However this guy in this particular case has clearly Failed. He is the kind no woman should even waiste her time contacting. Although I do believe there are situations where proper relationship building requires a woman to contact and even confront a man.
Men who just want to chase are sure determined, but they are not necessarily the best relationship bets. They may lose interest fairly fast once they reach their goal, and they may never tell you what that goal is. You may be shocked if you find out. It could be something as stupid as collecting panties from 1000 girls, or something as vicious as getting full access to your bank account and emtying it.
Sometimes confused man is not the worst thing you can get. He may be confused just because you are not sure yourself and send him mixed signals. Sometimes what you need to do is just look him streight into his eyes, take him by the hand and tell him exactly as it is. Some men just need women to lead them. But there must be something of essence to tell and he must be at least receptive to it, and he should be a decent guy, not hurtful and not playing games. Sometimes we are scared to be decisive, because we are also confused or we are just way too much afraid of rejection. Well, maybe we should not be afraid of rejection. Rejection is not the worst thing. When the time is ripe for making decisions sometimes it is better to get rejected and know that you need to move on then just stay in a limbo for ever and ever. Men love uncertainty. Uncertainty allows them to have their cake and eat it too. Sometimes even conveniently do it to several "cakes" at a time. Keep several women hooked and waiting on the phone. Well, sometimes we have to say no to that and put the question streight; are you with with me or should I proceed without you? And then be ready to proceed and not take it personal. A woman, who is too afraid to step forward and make things clear will ever be like the Little Murmaid, hurting, awkward, unable to open her mouth and defend herself and finally lose her man to a more decisive gal who can speak.
However in this particular case it is not even necessary to make things clear. The guy made it already clear enough by his absence and his silence that he is just not there for her. Perhapse still struggling to get over his ex or whatever other problem he has she probably won't even want to know. This relationship has never been close enough or important enough to either of them to care.
They do, Nina! We pay attention to what we want to reinforce and it shows up - and keeps showing up - until we try something else. Begin to look through a different lens and you'll see those kind, too!
This is a fantastic response, Jade, I hope it resonated with you. My nephew says "I don't chase, I replace." Wonder why more of us women don't live that way?
That old saying "it's not you, it's me" is always true, whether we're hearing it or saying it.
You sound like a fine woman; so listen to Jane and replace.
; )
Because we're told to "change them, be more of a woman and you will, keep trying if you can't, prove your worth" over and over again!
The man was lukewarm about you at best, and you put up with it! He's a lazy arsehole with no integrity because he didn't ask himself all those months ago if it was fair to string a person along for when he was at a loose end with nothing better to do.
Cultivate your inner life and you'll discover you're a goddess! And when you connect with the sacred in you, you'll stop putting up with wishy-washy crap (from anyone, not just men) faster than it takes a new-ager to say namaste.
Because you'll be in love with your SELF. It's the inner life that sustains us, not being busy all the time. Pick quality friends, do a job you enjoy if possible, have interesting hobbies, do the inner work, and men like that will be skidmarks on your welcome mat.
Because real men have compassion and values, like not causing other unnecessary pain.
It's time to seperate the fantasy from the reality....Yes, the invitation to ask you out was real and it was real to you. There was no doubt about that. He even confirmed the date. Once he stood you up though, that's when it's time to say to yourself.."I'm better than this....I deserve to be treated differently to this". Are you not better than this? Why would you put yourself out on a limb for a man who has the emotional maturity of a two year old. As hard as it appears on the surface, cut your losses and walk away.....he's playing with you the same way a cat plays with a bird...slowly, cruelly and with clear intent to hurt. Take back the power and move on. Find the strength within you, flutter your injured wings up out of reach and rest for a while...observe....learn....then soar on...there's always someone else out there....
Love this, Rhonda - "flutter your injured wings up out of reach and rest for a while...observe....learn....then soar on...there's always someone else out there...." Beautiful! There absolutely will be.
You need to find someone who will be there for you. Unfortunately I am going through the same thing with someone and it has been a bad pattern for me. I can see it in other women, but keep doing it to myself. It is so difficult, but we have to stop and to change and gain some self-worth.
Do the inner work. Would you treat you like this? Having strength of character doesn't mean not being in emotional pain. Honour your self, even if it hurts on an ego level.
I know what you mean; it always seems different when "I" am involved. Others just can't see how different "my" situation is.
There's hope for us though, because we recognize it now. Love that Katy Perry song Wide Awake.
All the best to you!
Exactly, Liz. "Because we recognize it now" Yes!!
So true, Merle. We can see it so always when it's someone else, but when it's happening to us, we dig our heels in and put our blinders on often without even realizing that's what we're doing! Pretend she's you - what would you be saying to yourself right now? You're so not alone on this one!