You’re perplexed. Puzzled. Utterly Confused.
On the one hand, he says he’s not ready for a commitment. He says he can’t give you what you’re looking for.
But then instead of letting you go, he shows up just enough to keep that hope alive.
Hope in him. Hope in what one day will be him and you.
You’ve asked me why. You want to know what he’s doing, what his motivation is, and whether you’ve got a chance at things working out with him.
Could he not have meant what he said? Could he just be confused? Could it be that there’s hope for the two of you after all?
Your questions reveal a beauty within you that you’re about to miss as you focus all your energy on him.
You want to believe. You want to keep the hope alive. You want it to be him.
You want to believe in miracles, in dreams coming true even if you’re the only one who believes in them.
You have such love within you. To see him like you do. To see his potential like you always have.
But underneath that, you’ve got to see what’s really going on here.
He can’t let you go. But he can’t hold onto you either.
He wants his cake, and he wants to eat it too.
He wants to give you just enough to keep you hanging on, but not enough for you to accuse him of leading you on.
He’s going to put this on you, Beautiful. He’s going to tell you that it’s your choice, that he’s told you where he stands so you staying is at your own risk.
This is what he wants. Zero responsibility on his part. Full responsibility on yours.
This is the part you need to see.
Not the part that imagines the fairy tale ending down the road.
The part that sees the confused, conflicted, "not responsible" little boy inside who you want with all your heart to believe in.
This is real life, Beautiful. Yours.
You can keep holding onto all these reasons he’s got you believing things are going to change.
But at the end of the day, I have only one question for you: What if it doesn’t?
What if the only reason he can’t let go of you is because he wants to keep you hanging on so that you’ll be there for him if he should ever decide he’s ready for everything he knows you are and everything he knows you have to offer?
But what if he’s never ready? What then?
Look there.
Find your own answer to his ambivalence right there.
What then? If you can’t live with your answer, don’t.
Do something different. Don’t hang on. Don’t hang your hope on someone who doesn’t share your dreams, or who only pays lip service to them.
End the confusion. End the pattern. End the back and forth.
You know what you’re going to find when you do?
Another kind of man. Someone who doesn’t do confusion. Someone who doesn’t do back and forth. Someone who won’t lead you on.
How?
Because when you consciously choose to refuse to live in confusion, or with the anxiousness of trying to interpret the back and forth, or wondering if he’s only leading you on, you’ll have found something greater than that within you without even realizing what you’ve done.
Someone who knows her worth. Someone who knows what she deserves. And someone who’s got her power back. She's you!
And that's how you change this. Change your response to someone who treats you like this, let that new response become so familiar to you that it's the only response you have, and you will never, ever be left hanging again!
Oh my gosh. This article saved me.
For the past few months I’ve had this crazy connection with a guy with a lot of flirtation. But it never progresses...He won’t even admit his feelings. We went on one date and that’s it. So now he mentioned he’s interested in some other girl but keeps flirting with me.
I was so distraught and felt led on, hoping he’d ditch her and finally come to his senses and confess to me. I had so many sleepless nights and was stressed out my mind. But you know what? I’m letting him go. I’m not going to be an option to him but a priority to the right guy. It’s going to be hard, but I’m moving on.
Love this, Help. It is going to be hard but you know what's harder? Those sleepless nights and a stressed out mind! You're not here to audition for a role, hoping to make someone come to their senses. He either sees you for everything you are or he doesn't and it's not because there's some deficit in you!
Oh my gosh, this article was literally speaking about me and my situation. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I have been back and forth with a guy, who says and does exactly, exactly what is is mentioned here. Well I won't be responding when he comes back next time. He always says, 'the power is with me'....it is now because i have it back and i see sense again. Your kind words hugged me , fabulous helpful article, thaaaank you xo
So glad, Kim! Love that you felt that hug.
Hi Jane,
This topic was perfect timing for me. I was in contact with you two years ago which was so helpful to me. Unfortunately, I am still hanging on to the same man, hoping for change, hoping that one promise will come true, hoping that one day he will make me number one. He does give me that small amount of hope just to keep me hanging although he is adamant that he does not strong me along.
I listen to the 'lip service' of a possible future he thinks he and I will have, even though, I know after promising me at least twice a month that he will end it with a current "female friend" who have been in a relationship (I found out). I've watched him financially support her, take her on trips, put up photos of them on Whats App along with other things. When I walk away,I get the same excuses that she traps him and he cares for her(they've been friends for 23 years) but doesn't love her, that he knows he'll have a better life than me. So, I wait. I wait for acknowledgement. I wait days and weeks sometimes for him to even come and visit me, he lives 10 mins away and his "friend" lives in his home country UK. Every time we set up a phone call and a visit, he cancels or gives me 'work excuses' that he's too busy to speak and I'm left feeling worthless and pathetic. I feel all we talk about is the other woman, solutions on moving forward and what's going to happen about the future.
Last Saturday he was in a foul mood and told me he wanted nothing else to do with me. I said fine, deactivated my cell phone, and blocked his emails. On Monday he showed up at my apt. I went upstairs to see why he had come which resulted in me falling down the steps and I broke my foot. He left me at sitting on a couch and I had to find me own way to the hospital because he was "too busy" and had to get to work. He never came back that day to check on me, even though, I left him a voice mail from the hospital. I had to beg him to bring me ice packs, which he did. He promised to come yesterday at 2:30pm to 'talk' about a solution for us and as usual an hour before he was suppose to show up I get an email with him saying 'I've got a job on and can't come. Sorry.' I've not heard from him since.
This article came through on my email and it was perfect timing. Why do I wait for this man? Over 3.5 years. I'm 40, a professional nurse with a great job. Im smart and good at what I do. I climb mountains. I'm a runner. My self esteem is nonexistent now and I'm a shell of my former self. I'm not going to lie, but I am emotionally, mentally and physically broken. I do compare myself to his "friend" who doesn't have a great job, is a a lot older than me, had no life ambitions and uses this man for the lifestyle that he has living in my country along with financial help. She has also been harassing me with texts and photos something which I've never dealt with before. I hate drama and apparently he said he did as well.....not. I don't understand that he tells me that I'm the only woman he knows who is so self sufficient and he's aware that this "friend" uses him. He's told me he's confused, doesn't know what he's doing and he's trying to throw himself into work.
After his no show yesterday, Ive refused to email him out of anger, I've kept my cell deactivated and have blocked his email again.
There's so much more that I've endured and im so exhausted with the games. I'm tired of hoping and waiting. Does he see my worth, I ask myself? Do I wait and hope, I ask myself? Am I that shitty in his eyes that he feels it's okay to do this to me.
I feel that maybe starting this no contact will help me to regain perspective on the self that I've lost.
I'm just so hurt and broken. I want him to understand and hurt how much I do. Even though, I know he'll never understand.
Maybe no contact will help to stop the confusion, the back and forth, the hope, and the pain???
Jane, I love your responses and your ability to say such warm caring things at the right time. I need some of those words now xxx
I am not Jane, but I cannot not say anything.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I am just pissed off on your behalf. Seriously? No, he doesn't see your worth and never will BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE YOUR WORTH. A woman who see her worth and values herself would not put up with this crap in a million years. You may have everything going for you, but you sure as heck are not living like it! Please wake up! What are you waiting for here? Nothing but your own illusions. What are you getting out of this man? Absolutely nothing! He doesn't see you, he doesn't even care about you. He left you to fend for yourself after you broke your foot!!!!! What more proof do you need that this is a man that can never be the partner you want and deserve??? This is beyond me and inconceivable. How much more crap do you have to go through to snap out of it? You're miserable and it's on you. I am really sorry you're hurting, I so know what it's like, but come on!!! What he thinks doesn't matter at all!! He is not that special! He os not some sort of God and you matter way too much.
Girly girly pretty please quit this cold turkey. How many more minutes are you willing to throw out??? I sorry if I am harsh, but you deserve better. Go get what you deserve. Strength and clarity your way
Thank you angel for your comment.
Yes, I'm a professional woman who spends most of my days caring for others. Yes, I am hurt and I feel embarrassed for giving so much to one man. The trauma bonds for me regarding him are very strong and I have walked away many times. I have gone to therapy.
I just wanted a place to talk about what I'm dealing with as I feel lost and alone. Yes, I know I am at fault for dealing with this situation for so long and it must look ridiculous to most reading my story.
I just wanted to try and put it out there in the Universe that I do acknowledge that I'm in a terrible non relationship, in a safe environment. I'm sure it must be hard for you to comprehend what I have put with.
I do listen and accept advice, however, maybe because I'm hurting more than normal this whole process of putting my story out there has made me feel pathetic and not safe with my words in the slightest.
I do think it was a mistake to open up as I don't talk to family or friends about this and I felt I wouldn't be judged on here.
Thank you Jane for your help two years ago, however, I don't feel safe sharing my story or posting even if to some it may sound like I'm just weak and pathetic. Thank you Angel for taking time out to respond.
I'm so sorry, Mandy. Sometimes when we've been there, we have strong reactions to when we see others putting themselves through what we once did and the love and compassion and understanding get lost in our passion to change what we see. There's no shame in reaching out here. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. So many of the women who find their way here have a similar story and can identify with every single word you've written here. I'll never forget when my best friend flew across the country to try to get me to leave the man I was hanging onto. I couldn't then. I only felt shame. But eventually, I came to realize she was right even if I hadn't been ready to hear it at the time. She did the best she knew to help me. And I did the best I could with what I knew then. I felt ashamed. I felt embarrassed. I felt so pathetic and weak. Until eventually, I knew more and did more. So will you, Mandy. In your own time and way.
I understand more than you can imagine! I have been in your shoes and I stayed for 6 years. I remember feeling judged as well when people pointed out what was obvious to them that was not at all obvious to me. I get you more than you know. I am sorry I could not contain my anger at the unfairness of this situation, how awful he is treating you. It was never intended to hurt you. The reason I feel angry is precisely because I saw my younger self in your words and they hurt like a dagger inside me. Don't ever feel like you cannot share, no matter how others see things or how they say what they say. It's about you reaching out, you doing what you need to do for you. You are the one who matters to you the most, Mandy!
I am sorry you felt bad reading my comment. I really am because I never meant for you to feel bad whatsoever. I don't apologize however for doing the best I can to help somehow. I am sorry it didn't read to you that way. Don't ever feel you're not safe here. Ever. You are. Always always.
You are a tremendous girl and unbelievably strong, you can do this. How do I know? Because the very fact you reached out, the very situation you are putting up with shows your huge amount of strength. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I am hugging you tightly right now. You will get through this. We all do.
On second thought, now that I am much more calm and read my first post, I did go overboard. I am really sorry. Please forgive my anger and frustration. That's how much it still hurts me to go back in time and relive those moments and horrible things I also went through.
I hope you can forget my angry, unfortunate moment. It really wasn't personal ?
Hi Angel,
Thank you for your reply. I know it was a while back. I understand where your anger and frustration came from as I feel that about myself everyday. My story didn't finish after I reached out, but I think the final straw came for me on Friday night. I'll reply under Jane if you'd like to read it. I know when I explain what happened this week you will probably blow a lid, but I want to be honest and tell it like it is and here is the only place I can so that.
I do appreciate you taking time out to reply and I'm not upset with your reaction because I know what I put up with is wrong and demeaning. Thank you Angel.
Hi Mandy,
I really hope you don't close up. Your situation isn't the best but we have all been in situations on this site and have found some strength in finding we are not alone. The reaction you got tbh is better than what I would say to my sister if i found out what your situation was happened to her. It really is out of love.
We have all loved too much and we have all hurt badly. But may this be the end of that for you so that 5 years from now you look back on this and remember what a great lesson it was rather than a stagnant struggle you're battling.
I hope you have left him for good? I pray that you cry and write and journal and share until you accept that you are human but you have learnt.
Besides no one knows your surname here so you are a story amongst many.
But if you dont write again, please do what you would tell your sister or mother or best friend to do as what he is doing to you is terrible.
Please find your strength in being honest yet gentle with yourself.
Anyway I pray you come back and share some good news. Angel really reminded me of my sisters ( we are all harsh) but the harshness is all from a place of care.
You definitely deserve the love you want. Please give that caring, second chance nature to yourself. You really can do this.
Anyway hope you respond.
Stop watching, Mandy. Stop looking at her. Stop looking at him. Start looking at you. Your words bring tears to my eyes because it feels so familiar. Is there any good in me? Is there anything of worth in me? Or "am I that shitty in his eyes that he feels it's ok to do this to me?" It's all the same. There's a beautiful woman within you, Mandy, crying out to be loved, to be held, to be made worthy, by someone so utterly incapable of ever coming close. He can't do it. He can't even feel compassion for you when you ache, when you fall down, when you hurt. You're not broken. You're beautiful. You've only spent too much time with someone who can't see you, who has no right to be in your life. I want you to start with the smallest of steps, Mandy. I want you to do whatever it is you need to do to stop watching him and her. Block him and keep him blocked, do whatever you need to do so you're not tempted to see more of him and her. She isn't you. She can never be you. Who you are and what you have has nothing to do with her and her hold on him. But until you see that, until you get there, watching them on an level is just torturing yourself. We've got to stop that first. Then we can slowly shift the focus from them to you. There's so much more to life than this. Of course you can't see it yet. But you will! When we stay too long, when we beg even once, we give so much of our power away that it becomes so much harder to get it back. Focus on that. Your power. Not his. Not hers. Yours. Find that tiny little light inside you that had the courage to reach out here, to see what might be here for you, and don't let it go out. There's a way out but it has to come from you. You can't do another two years, Mandy. If you can't yet do it for you, do it for the little girl inside you who still believes in love, and still believes in you. Give her the voice she never had. You can do this! She's you.
Hi Jane,
Thank you so much for your beautiful message. I took everything on board and started to take control back. He showed up here this past Tuesday night and went on and on about how he needs to do the right thing and end things with her so that he and I can have a future. It took a lot of convincing on his part to make me give him a chance. He agreed to 'sort' out all of his shit before Friday night. We agreed to meet at a lounge on Friday night at 6:30pm. I told him not to bother to come if he hadn't 'sorted' everything. He was adamant that he would be there.
On Friday night, I got dressed up, I am now in a full cast on my right leg after seeing the orthopedic surgeon so driving is a nightmare, and I drove up to the hotel got a nice table ordered him and I drink and waited. He never came. I waited until 7:30pm. It did take every ounce of courage to walk out of there with my head held high and to not cry. I did email him to tell him that's it and exactly what I thought of him. At this point I didn't use profanity or anything.
He ended up emailing me back saying that he was sat on his couch sad and down because he let me down and himself down. No apologies. No explanations. Nothing.
Long story short, I lost it at this point. I told him to go and f**k himself along with his other woman. I told him I hated him and I no longer loved anything about him or him. I told him I was going to f**k men that will be a million times better than he will ever be. This is so out of character for me. I don't talk like that and say thinks like that to people ever.
He responded and said he didn't come because he got called out to a job at 4pm (cop) and got in a fight and hurt his back that he had surgery on in Feb. And he said he didn't tell me about it because it would be just another excuse to me. And he said that he would stay clear away from me because of the nasty things I said to him.
This made me more angry because I know he didn't come because he didn't do anything about his situation with his other woman and he's using this pity party story. Anyway I sent through two more emails both which I got no reply to.
I was so angry I told him I moving away and he has lost the best thing that happened to him and that I hope he has a great life with her. Nothing from him. No replies. Nothing. He doesn't love me or care. The humiliation has made me hit rock bottom.
I still have my cell phone deactivated so I have no WA, viber, text, calling ability. I have blocked her from everything imaginable so I can't watch her or torture myself with how great he treats her.
Jane, why do I feel so guilty? Why am I torturing myself now wondering if I should apologize for the harsh things I said. I broke and said things that I would never say. I know he's been disrespectful and awful in the past to me so why am I crippled with guilt because I think I hurt him? I feel I have lost all power. Every last shed of it. Do I lose more power by apologizing? Just to be ignored completely by him right now and the fact that I've said im leaving the country with no response is breaking my heart more. Maybe this is him paying me back for the awful things I messaged him? I mean is this it? Is this how it's come to an end with me being the mean nasty jerk? I feel like the tables are turned and now I am the one who frigged up and the one who is wrong.
Please Jane can you help me to put some of this into perspective. Am I awful for the mean things I messaged? Am I now the wrong one in this situation? Is this another mind game in his part to make me feel guilty? Maybe having someone see from the outside in would bring perspective to what's happening to me now.
Thank you Jane xxx
Hi Mandy,
I very much feel for what you are going through.
Could it be in part that you are upset because you were hoping , once again, that this man could come through for you?
Not only with meeting you on Friday night, but afterwards with your reactions to him?
And once again , although you tried a different approach, he didn't change.
And that is so very disappointing. :/
And yes, you may not feel very good over how you last reacted, but I would set that aside for now because I think those feelings are not helping you at the moment.
You can always re-evaluate your actions later when all this other stuff is settled. (But when you do, please extend a teeny bit of that empathy and understanding and forgiving you extend to others 🙂 to yourself and forgive yourself.)
You are fortunate Mandy because now you have seen that he won't change on his own, that he won't change when he feels bad or disappointed in himself, that he won't change when you are patient and wait, that he won't change when you are firm and ask for it, that he won't change when you are injured or sad, and that he won't change when you are angry or frustrated or strike out like this.
He won't change.
It makes no difference how you act or how you feel.
He won't change.
This is who he is.
He won't change.
And who he is ...that is not the man you've been waiting for or are mourning after.
Because that man would not have needed to change and wouldn't need all that you've gone through.
Maybe you saw the potential for that man in this guy, but it turns out it is not his reality.
Which means the guy you want and the type of relationship you long for is still out there!
You just haven't met him yet.
But you need to be open to meet him and the only way to do that is to work hard on letting this other guy go in your mind and heart.
It is difficult , but cutting off all contact and not being on social media with him is a wonderful start.
Mourn him and treat yourself like you just gotten over an illness :), be gentle and pamper yourself.
Look for other things you enjoy.
Each day will get better.
And you need to give yourself time to adjust to the withdrawal from this drama.
That drama had become a substitute to preparing yourself for your real love story, a happy one.
You haven't met that guy yet, but you WILL.
And you will recognize him, won't you?
In all the ways he is not like how this other guy acted in real life
and in all the ways the new guy meets your desire for an open, single and available and ready, caring, attentive, thoughtful, attractive 😉 man with a true heart for helping others.
I've been where you are many times, and it was when I became determined to get over the last guy and move on and withdraw from future similar dramas, that I started to meet the good guys out there.
I'm now so very happily married and so thankful , so so very thankful that I somehow escaped ex's like this guy you just described.
If I had had my own way then..., I shudder at what I would have ended up settling for.
Thank God, literally!
I know it doesn't seem like it, but one day you will be feeling the same.
If you can start to let go now, then please do start. You already given him so many chances and tried so many things. If there had been a magic formula, then you would have found it. The reason you haven't is because he won't change.
I hope by now you feel like you gave it your all and stayed beyond the end. I understand how sometimes it feels important to do that, to make it easier to leave and let go.
This relationship has failed because of him and who he is. It would have succeeded because of you but he is the reason it will always fail.
When you met Mr. Right, however, that relationship will succeed.
He is out there and journeying towards you. Try to heal now so that you can continue on with your journey and be there to meet him. 🙂
ps. And don't apologize. At least not now. If you feel like doing so in a year or two from now, then send a letter or email then. But try not to send it until you are truly over him and have moved on.
We all have moments where we cannot believe the way we acted. We are human and so this IS going to happen.
But Mandy, it is NO coincidence that he brought this out in you. He is turning you into someone who is not you. Try to remember who you were (and what you would stand for) before he came into your life.
You will become her again and an even better version of her! At the moment, you may feel very tired and worn down and maybe like she is gone. She is not. I felt the same way after the end of a bad relationship. And I thought part of it was bc I was then 5 years older. But no, I had just been battled down too much and my real self inprisoned. But it was only a temporary prison and I emerged!! And you will too! Wonderful, beautiful, vibrant, joyful, hopeful, exuberant, brave you!
Pps. Reading through the articles and comments on this website is a great way to regain your strength and determination and hope. It also is a good way to distract yourself when you want to reach out to the old guy or if you find yourself dwelling on him or your behavior. This website helped me so much. There are quite a few people I love who I wish would read it, but they haven't been ready yet to take this step. Kudos to you for doing so bc it IS a step in taking back your life and moving on the path to true love. And that takes reaching a certain point of understanding and courage. 🙂
EC thank you so much for your reply. It was lovely and made so much sense to me. You are so right. I've tried for over 3 1/2 years in every way possible. I've walked away so many times, I even moved countries once, but he always seems to know when I've had enough and can no longer take anymore. I then get manipulated back into believing his promises. It is hard to walk away when I've put my life on hold waiting patiently, helping him in every aspect of his life, only to watch him put me last because this other woman has 'hold' on him and he'd rather keep the peace by making her happy. I know for people reading I sound pathetic to subject myself to that, but it is so hard breaking the bonds from someone with narcissist type behaviour. I'm just upset with myself for stopping so low and saying the disgusting things I said. I feel he turned the tables on the things that I've said because he knows me well and he knows I feel guilty now and I hate to feel I've lost any smudge of power I have left because he can now ignore me and 'stay clear' of me as I was the 'nasty' one.
I am tired and so down. I so do appreciate a your response as I feel like I'm treading water between guilt and knowing that what I said and walking away is justified.
Thank you EC so much xxx
Mandy,
Anger is an emotion many of us "nice girls" have problems expressing. Over the years he continually played lip service, and then lied to you repeatedly by making up excuses... Just like he did that Friday night. You have a right to be angry about years of this behavior and express it. It might not have been the way you would have expressed it now that you're calmer but that's completely normal. You're not supposed to be calm when somebody's walking all over you, and manipulates you.
Choose to remember all the times HE never apologized to YOU instead. Remember driving to that restaurant in a cast and sitting there by yourself when he had no intention of showing up! He's a lot guiltier than you'll ever be.
Mandy, you got lots of great advice here. I hope you'll consider continuing to read the posts and maybe reach out for some counselling when you're ready.
You're doing great by just choosing to move forward. A new life is waiting for you if you just keep going forward day by day.
I understand your feelings, it’s so similar to my experience. I’ve lost 6 years of my life to a man like this! I was just a day by day woman in his life. His door remained open to his ex girlfriend who took off on him with another man! At the end of the day, I was his second choice. Obviously his heart was elsewhere and I didn’t want to see that! He did just enough to keep me interested! All talk but little actions! My self esteem plummeted. He never considered me in any decisions when making them, we never even spent one Christmas together! He always came on dinner time and he never shopped for food or cooked for me! I was the ultimate friend with benefits! I finally got to the end of my teather, I also blocked him from contact before Christmas time this year and I never heard from him again! I know he wouldn’t have bought me a gift as he’s only done that twice in almost coming up to seven years! I am a giver by nature but I guess he’s a taker, the ultimate opportunist! I was always there when he needed me but he was seldomly there for me! Don’t waste your precious time on a person who doesn’t see your worth! Value yourself and enjoy your time alone and consider yourself first. It’s time to aim high and wait tonfind a man who’s on the same level as yourself and clearly sees your worth. It’s hard letting go of something familiar but that’s not real and not healthy. It caused me years of stress and unhappiness because I valued him more than I valued myself! I’ve finally learnt who’s more important.
Hi Mandy, I just wanted you to know that if it makes you feel any better, it took me 18 years to leave a relationship that sounds like yours. The hardest part is that you end up getting reduced by your partner's manipulative behavior. You become trapped in the back-and-forth and nothing in life feels as important as having this guy's "love." And then you lose your life, in a way. The only time you can focus on yourself is when everything is going okay with this man and he "loves" you, but that's rarely the case, due to his perpetual roller coaster ride. It happens slowly, how you abandon everything that was once you, solely to be able to focus on your new full-time job, which is keeping this guy happy so he doesn't trigger your deepest abandonment wounds when he suddenly decides to give you a shot of ambivalence. A beloved uncle once said to me, "My policy is, anyone who doesn't want to be my friend, well, I don't want to be theirs." I know that's simple, but it's one of the most important rules in life. Choose to be around people who like you easily and quickly for exactly who you are, without making you have to jump through any hoops. The problem with these guys is that they separate us so much from our genuine selves that when people tell us, albeit with good intentions, to "focus on yourself," it's not particularly enticing. It's hard to know who we are anymore. I remember feeling like the last person I wanted to care for or focus on was myself, simply because I was so foreign to myself. Relationships like this also cause us to normalize frightfully bad behavior. I think another poster below took you to task for staying with someone who left you alone with a broken foot. I understood what she was saying, but I think before you can even decide to get away from such a person, you'd have to spend time really thinking about all they've done. Part of my process of leaving was to go over the many many many things my partner did which were just so over-the-top awful. I made a long list—a list that actually shocked me when I was finished. Whenever I feel myself wavering, I go back and reread the list. I ask myself: Do you really want to stay with a person who did one of these things to you, let alone all of them? Relationships like this cause us to lower our standards and erase our boundaries. Most likely, like me, you were starting from a place of low self-esteem. Low self-esteem attracts others with low self-esteem. Part of getting out of my relationship involved therapy with someone who helped me rebuild my self esteem, which allowed me to leave my partner but also have hope about a future with healthier people. I know it's really hard, and frankly unappealing, the idea of focusing on and caring for yourself when you're not used to it. When maybe you've never been used to it. I know it's scary, too, to think about being on your own and maybe never meeting anyone you like as well as this other guy again. I'm sure he has some good qualities, along with the bad ones, or else you would never have gotten together with him. But whatever his good qualities, it's important to stay focused on the fact that the bad ones far outweigh them. He cannot care for you or your most vulnerable and painful feelings. A partner who truly loves you doesn't identify your most vulnerable feelings and then exploit them when it suits him. He identifies your most vulnerable feelings in an effort to try to steer clear of them at all costs, since real love means the last thing you want to do is hurt your partner. It really is true that until we're able to show ourselves self-respect, no one else will respect us. That has been a daunting task for me. I'm not sure I've ever behaved with much self-respect at all in my life. Certainly I lost all of it when I allowed another person to destroy my career and the best parts of my personality—the parts all my friends and family seem to love—claiming they were somehow the worst. But you *can* rebuild your self-esteem. It's definitely not a lot of fun, but you'd be surprised how warm your dignity will keep you at night. The bottom line is that we all must steer clear of people who need to keep us feeling unstable, uncertain, and insecure in order to achieve their own stability and security. That's a kind of sickness, a personality disorder. Your partner is actually way more insecure than you are. If he weren't, he wouldn't feel the need to take you down in the horrible ways he has. You can do this. You think you can't, but trust me, you can. I did it. It took me 18 long years, but I did it. I'm still doing it. The work is never done, and it'll probably never be done. But I refuse to even consider letting someone do that to me again. The secret I've learned, even in my worst moments when I act pathetic and whine and say I'll always be alone, is that it really is true that you're never alone when you have your self-respect. It feels good. And it attracts others naturally. Get yourself right, and the right people will enter your life. And practice this one exercise over and over: anyone who walks out on you—and I'm not just talking about men, but also friends, service people, just anyone who thinks they can make you do what they want by threatening to leave? Don't EVER chase after them. It'll only sting for a minute, that sense of fear, abandonment, and loss. Then a feeling of pride will gush over you and you will be so glad about your choice. And please don't say you're broken and weak. You are alive, healthy, smart, and have many things going for you. You live in a safe place and I bet you have good friends. You are able to provide for yourself and help others. All that's happened here is that a bad guy weaseled his way into your life and screwed you up for a time. But at some point that's probably coming very soon, if it hasn't come already, you will finally be able to sign off for good. Don't worry if it keeps taking more tries. Trust me. There will definitely come a final time. Don't beat yourself up if it hasn't happened yet. I can't wait for you to be free and see this whole thing from a distance. You've got this, lady. It might not feel like it, but I guarantee that every single day, you're doing the work you need to do to be free of this man.
I lived that guy. I had sex with that guy. I didnt like that He wouldnt commit, so I tould Id move once Id finished my exams. In the middle of those months, he proposed. I was on cloud nine. We got pregnant, I told him it was my plan, He agreed.
7 years later, I know it wasnt right. He now lives with his (girl)bestfriend. She wasnt me.
I found you, and it explained everything. This text has me in it. Im halfway in your beatyful, radiant program and I am so thankful for your work. Thank you! And I cant (& can 😉 ) wait to meet true love. For me and my son.
Oh Jenny, I feel for you. For you and your son, yes! I can't wait for you either. 🙂 Keep walking through. What you've been through is going to pale in comparison to what's in store for you. Love! Your beautiful words. Welcome! I am so glad you found your way here and are halfway through the program that will change your life! Can't wait to meet you in your complimentary coaching session at the end! (And FYI: You were never supposed to be her or anyone else except your own beautiful, true self.)
I love how you write from your heart, Jane. I always feel empowered after reading your blogs. You speak to so many of us, who are looking for clarity and guidance in our current relationships. Thanks so much for sharing your insights and strength.
Oh how you inspire me, Stephanie. I am so grateful for you and your beautiful words here. Thank you. I'm truly honored to be a part of your journey!
Jane. I use to find your blogs useful sometime back. But now I unsuscribed and also just stop visiting your logs. You have been helpful in some cases. But then it just kept us in a funk. Talking and concentrating on that same energy. You keep repeating the same issues. Why don't you put real examples of couples and commitment that are actually working more. Plenty of happilly married couples. With practical and real life examples. Talk about once you meet the right partner the obstacles you will face in marriage. In laws. Change. Stress of life. The reality of communication. I just find your blogs repetitive and negative always focusing on uncommitment. Plenty of examples people can search on what red flags to look out for. But grow and stop promoting all men are like this. Keeps people stuck analysing overthinking. Being paranoid not living and learning. But your blogs are not growing or evilving just fixated on the drama.
Give people examples of relationships working. Overcoming communicating through issues...real life issues. Health.Job.Money.In laws. House into a home. Teamwork.
I do agree with this, Realtamar. Jane, for future articles, I'd love to read about those relationships that do work! you don't have to mention their names.
I've been coming to this blog for years, but I do see alot of articles relating to teenagers/college students, always wondering why they disappeared after 3 dates and such.
Realtamar - This is what Jane does. She helps women who are in relationships with unavailable men move through them and break what might be a long held relationship pattern. Nowhere does she claim that all men are like this. If this doesn't apply to you then maybe this blog is just not what you need. I'm sure you can find blogs and websites with the type of information you are looking for. But Jane is great at what she does and lots of women need this type of advice.
Thank you for the kind words, Sallysue. 🙂
Exactly what I was thinking Sallysue. I NEED Jane's particular kind of advice. I can relate to all or a great deal of most of the posts. Emotionally unavailability is the story of my "dating" life. Jane's advice is not negative, it's healing----if it applies you! Perhaps the reason someone doesn't understand that is because you don't need her type of advice.
If you have a committed man by your side, then there are PLENTY of websites for you already.✌
I'm always open to suggestions for future post topics, Realtamar. Thanks for letting me know your thoughts!