Our beautiful friend, Tracy, has just gone through a devastating experience with an emotionally unavailable man.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
You helped me with my first break up with a emotionally unavailable man and your articles inspired me to keep my eyes open while dating.
I must admit for 4 months I was involved in a little mess here. But with your knowledge and clear look for signs I can now recover faster and be stronger.
Our story started with the dead end. But it could have change with the happy ending.
I met a wonderful man while he was travelling. We jumped into romance and adventure and soon after realized that this is something more than just a summer fling.
Even from the start I could see a red flag rising. He was from States, I was living in Australia. In beginning he thought he will stay here but after exploring his future options he couldn't see his career and life here in Australia.
All the immigration laws was against us.
In his perspective only way to be together was to live in US what would mean getting married (US doesn't have a partner visa as AUS does) OR we could travel around the world, live in Australia/ Europe but he didn't wanted to sacrifice anything for our union. He could stay here for a year where we could get to know each other but one day he just messaged me that he bought a ticket back to States...
I had two serous relationship before and this one seemed like a heaven. Even if he was travelling he messaged me and called me every single moment, he told his parents and friends about me, he called me " the one ".
He uploaded cute photos of us on Facebook.
I was in heaven. He was such a charmer. Looking for all the signs I wouldn't say he was emotionally unstable, he came across as confident and smart person, so confident of who he was. Also he was positive about his future with me until...
I let my guard down and let him in my life.
As he said he was " all in " with me, so regarding where our relationship was going I stated questioning our future because I knew he won't be traveling around forever and soon enough he will have to settle down.
I asked him simple questions as: "So when are you gonna settle down? What's the next step?" he kept saying: "I don't know, we will figure it out ".
It didn't made me feel any better.
Sometimes words means different things than actions. I was so in love with him so I stated to come up with solutions. I was ready to leave my life behind and start a new life with him in States. Wherever he goes, I wanted to be with him. Because I wasn't afraid to make a sacrifice for a good thing - him. More time I gave him to figure out things, the more solutions I have found (going studying to States, working for my family's friend in US), more complications he could see.
We could both go to Canada and start out life there but his excuse was "winters there are too cold "... !!! what?
Because I came across Jane's blog before I could sense the end coming and I was ready to get hurt. But there always is a hope, isn't there?
Yes, I know it - I met this guy in a wrong place and wrong time but we did care about each other. Because of the "wrong time and place" if only we could figure out our relationship to work so it could grow into something strong and solid and no other problems in our lives could surprise us. I knew that magic happens out of the comfort zone so I put all my energy and strength to prove him that this is possible and real. As they say - there is no wrong time for the right person.
He came to see me for Christmas and New Years. As always he was charming but when I came across to discuss our future he became distant and cold. This was the worst holidays I ever had.
Every day seeing him fighting in his head, fading away and looking for answers what to do in a future, keep traveling or go back to States. He was in transformation. Like he was dealing with a deep dark psychological underlying. I told him he can trust me and talk but he became more and more lost in his indecisiveness.
Day after New Years he told me he bought a ticket back to States..
I was devastated.
We had long discussions what to do in our situation. He said he didn't want to do a long distance relationship, he wasn't ready for a fake marriage for visa, he didn't wanted to move to other country, he didn't wanted for me to be in States illegally.
When I told him that this is classic "he is just not that into you" situation and he got angry and upset with me. I told him that things should be simple and if he would like to be with me he would be here now next to me and we could work out our future as a team. Last conversations didn't made any sense anymore and all I could come across was that he DIDN'T WANT ME.
He stopped calling and caring.
His leaving date was coming closer and closer and more distant and cold he became.
I stopped messaging him just to see if he will reach out. He didn't. I could see this amazing man I once knew turning into a stranger. I was missing and loving different person.
I finally came across who he really is. A selfish commitment phobe. I stated to do my research on him. one of his friends who was travelling with him told me that I am not the first girl he leaves.
He said he has seen it before and thought it will be different this time of how highly he was talking about me. "He always bails on girls who have a great potential. He runs away from every situation what is not 100% perfect".
I found out he had at least 7 girlfriends in the last 10 years, he has been moving form city to city and has changed his job every year. For me is was hard to see it before, because he was traveling and from different country.
His friend helped me to move on, to see the real face of my lover. I put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Finally I could see the whole picture. I was falling for a man who was running from himself, who was selfish and scared.
Needless to say ...He is gone now. The worst thing is that he didn't even said goodbye.
He just left. Without saying the word.
No letter, no message, no call. I don't know how what he feels now? Do you think he is hurt as well?
I am not even sad. I am confused. I keep asking myself why it's always me who is ready to fight? I have so much strength in me. Just sad that no one is fighting for me. I am confident and smart and 100% happy of what I am. I know that he will never find someone like me but why did he give up and how could he leave without saying goodbye?
- Tracy
My Response:
We’ve got this so backwards, Tracy.
It’s because we want to fight for someone, to fight for a relationship, that we only see the ones who give us reason to fight.
A real loving relationship isn’t about fighting, it’s about loving. This is where our subconscious programming plays such a role in who we find ourselves falling for – and how they find us in the first place. They want to be someone’s hero.
They want to be the man you want him to be, the man you need him to be.
We’ve bought into the idea that love has to conquer all to be real love. We believe that real love is about two people fighting for that love, regardless of circumstances, regardless of what it takes to get there.
There’s something so passionate about that fight, about knowing that we’re worth someone fighting for us, about knowing that we’re not the only ones fighting for something when all odds seem to be against it.
But, Tracy, that’s what sells movies! That’s what makes for a best-selling book you can’t put down, and for a movie that you can’t wait to see!
It’s not what makes for a healthy, loving relationship with two people on the same page who are choosing to make that kind of relationship happen.
Yes, he could have made it work, he could have worked around what you were up against with immigration laws the way you came up with solutions and answers for every roadblock. But he didn’t because he didn’t really want to. That’s why he got angry when you called him on that, when you confronted him that this was sounding like a “just not into you” scenario.
There was a reason he was a charmer, there was a reason you were the one asking all the questions. He couldn’t hide who he was in the end. That’s what came out. Reality. The truth. And as hard as that was for you, it’s what you needed to know.
You’re confused because it doesn’t make sense.
It doesn’t make sense to him either. But for him, it doesn’t have to. He’s not looking at why he’s had “at least 7 girlfriends in 10 years” or why he moves from city to city or changes his job every year.
I’m sure if you confronted him on that, he would have had a ready answer to give you that he’s been telling himself, too. He’s searching for something, Tracy. And without knowing him personally, I’d say he might be running from something, too. Like himself.
Yes, this is a man with all kinds of potential. A man who’s so obviously confused himself. That’s why you’re confused.
You’re feeling his own ambiguity.
You’re sensing a man on the run, a man looking for himself and a place to call home without a clue as to where to look or how to find it. This is the kind of story that reels us in. We want to fight for him. We want to take up his fight that he’s not willing to engage in, and make it our own.
We know we’ve got enough fight in us to make up for him. And this is why he finds you. This is why you find him. You’ve got something to prove through him. And he’s got something to try to prove through you.
But it never works without the both of you. You can’t be all in with him getting stuck in the beginning part. He can’t go further than the beginning because he doesn’t have it in him to go deeper. That’s what’s been going on. That’s the pattern he’s been repeating with at least 7 women in the last ten years.
He can’t be what you want him to be. It’s not that you’re not wanted, it’s that he doesn’t know how to give you more than what he’s already given you and he’s not ready to find out. Usually, this is where we keep going. We keep fighting. And yes, it’s where we keep holding out for hope.
He got closer with you. You gave him a beautiful gift.
You gave him a chance to go there, even if in the end he couldn’t. But there’s a lesson here for you as well, as sick as we are of all these lessons, there was something you needed to see, too. To stop trying to save these guys from themselves.
To stop trying to pull them out of something they don’t want to be pulled out of to the detriment of your own beautiful self. You’ve got a gift in that kind of love you’re got in your wide-open heart. It’s a beautiful, beautiful thing! But when you love like you do, you’ve got to keep something back for you.
You’ve got to take your time to see what’s really there. You’ve got to take your time. Especially when it seems like you don’t have any time. Especially when circumstances are making you feel like you have to speed things up instead of slow things down.
Especially then.
That’ s when the real stuff a man’s made of will come out.
It’s not personal, Tracy. Don’t make it about you. He couldn’t say goodbye because he knew he didn’t have it in him to. He knew this was his fault, his choice and he couldn’t face you without facing that part of himself that he doesn’t want to admit to himself or anyone else.
So if he just slinks away, it will be easer he thinks. It never is, but it’s all he knows to do. Yes, he’s hurting. How could he not be with a track record like his? But he can’t admit that to anyone, including you, and especially not to himself. Then he might actually see the role he plays in his own destiny here, and realize it’s he himself who holds the key.
I hope this helps in some way, and especially in a way that allows you to release yourself from whatever you're putting yourself through because of him.
Love,
Jane
Went through a very similar situation (although, details vary).
Dated my guy for 2 years. Lived in separate cities when we met but, of his own will, he moved out here to be closer to me. As we went on in our relationship about a year in, he started getting weird about stupid things. Like, I wanted him to come out to Philly to go to an old friend's wedding with me. We were almost a year into our relationship, he had given me his apartment key, he bought me lavish gifts, introduced me to his family, and we said the "L" word a while ago...so, I didn't think bringing up the idea of us going on a mini trip out of town to a friend's wedding would be such a huge deal. He for whatever reason dug in his heals and resisted. Maybe I shouldn't have pushed it but, I felt really frustrated by it. He ended up going with me but, on the trip was really distant and kind of rude to my friends. It was during this trip that he dropped the bomb on me that he wasn't sure he ever wanted to get married or have kids.
Well, that came as a complete shock to me as I couldn't understand how he could feel that way. We were happy...blissfully so! Nothing made more sense to me then at some point in the near future making it official. Nothing made more sense to me then talking about our future together and where we would live and etc, etc, etc! I had never brought it up before that point but, after that, we talked about it. A LOT. It all came down to him feeling disappointments in his life from childhood, from his parent's dysfunctional relationship, from his dad who was emotionally unavailable (he didn't use those words but, that's what it was), from him not getting into the exact college/career path he wanted because of something that wasn't his fault, to his insecurity that he might not be able to be the provider that I deserved.
We talked and talked and talked and I tried to get him to go to counseling to work on these disappointments but, he wasn't interested. He wanted to talk to me about it...but, not because he wanted to solutions. Not real ones anyway. I think he just liked processing it all with me and I was supposed to just be okay with it all. I wasn't. I felt like he waited until I was emotionally in 110% and then he dropped a bomb on me and I didn't know what to do. The more I tried to fix it, the worse I made it and the crazier I made myself.
Eventually I broke it off and it turned into a crazy cycle of on-again/off-again because he kept coming back around and I kept believing that he wanted to change because he told me he did. Then, when nothing changed, I grew frustrated and eventually resentful. I turned to my family and my faith in God and my community at church to get through it. He didn't have anyone to turn to and he had grown resentful of my church and faith so, he wasn't about to turn to that. Instead, he turned to a dark lifestyle of drinking and women...something prevalent in the pilot community (he was/is an airline pilot). He stopped talking to his family for a long time (again, because of more dysfunction they had caused that he was angry about) and turned to strangers in bars and things of that nature. He started down a pathway of bitterness.
Around this time, he also learned that I had been dating other guys (because he stalked me a little) and there was one guy he saw an intimate conversation he and I had had on a private messenger conversation. Mind you, we had not been exclusive for quite some time...but, there was no doubt of the hurt this caused him because he sure let me know. I felt like he violated my privacy since we weren't together, but, he was so hurt, he didn't care, I guess. Of course, it didn't come out as hurt. It came out as accusations and anger. This is around the time he really started pulling away from me emotionally...although, he never fully pull away from me. But, at this point, it became mostly me coming to him. When I did, we would hang out but, he still loved me...I knew that. When we went out, it was like we were going on dates but, I could tell, I was the only one who wanted to fight for the relationship anymore. He just wanted to fight. He wanted to tell me it was all my fault that our relationship couldn't work. That I wanted him to be more like my pastor (which I never said), he told me that I had changed and wasn't the same woman I used to be, or that I was the one who couldn't make up my mind about whether I wanted to be with him and kept coming in and out of his life. That was never the case. I knew I wanted to be with him, I never stopped loving him...I was just waiting for him to fix him so that we could be together finally. I never gave up on him. But, I had to keep dating in the meantime because I knew I had to move on at the same time. I was literally in emotional purgatory. I knew he loved me still...he would still check in on me and send me random gifts from time to time. But, the effort was not what I wanted it to be.
This went on for 7 years (including the 2 years we dated) and one night, he got a DUI. Since he was a pilot, this was a really big deal. His career was in jeopardy. As someone who placed a lot of his identity in his career, this was a killer. This is when he really became a different person. In some ways, he drew closer to me...emotionally, he would tell me things like when he got through all of this he wanted to marry me. That he always knew he was supposed to marry me but, that he had been running from it. But, then, he would turn right back around and tell me that because of the situation he found himself in, he might have to move away. I told him, if he wanted to marry me, to marry me now. That I didn't care what financial of career trouble he went through...that I knew he was a hard worker and he would always find a way to land on his feet. But, this was also around the same time that I learned he had grown a network of friends at work and around the city that included other women who he was taking to dinner and having large texting/phone conversations with. Why would he tell me he wanted to marry me in one breath and be taking other women out for dinner when I wasn't around?
None of it made any sense to me and I started to go emotionally crazy. So, I started to pull back. I did exactly what the girl in this article did. I gave him space and waited to see what he did. Sure, he reached out but, it was more of the same. Sometimes, I regret it. I regret not being more on his side at this time but he turned himself into such a victim that I didn't know how to help him because he didn't want to help himself. Everything was someone else's fault and I couldn't relate to his logic. I was perhaps a bit insensitive but, at this point, I had also caught him in several bold faced lies, too, and I was just over it. I never had the courage to walk away completely, still. I walked away some to see if he would follow. He made a few half-hearted attempts and after a few months, he did what he said he would do. He moved.
No note. No goodbye. No email. No text message. Nothing.
I drove by his apartment a night or two before he moved and had a hunch he was moving because he looked like his parents had driven in and he has some kind of moving container. I wish I would have knocked on his door that night to find out what was going on and to say goodbye. But, I stopped myself. I thought, surely, he won't leave without telling me! And, I also thought, no! I'm tired of always being the one to reach out to him. If he's leaving, he needs to reach out to me.
He didn't.
A day or two later I had a weird feeling in my stomach so I went back by his apartment and his garage was open and it was empty. I went inside and his apartment was empty and had just been repainted...but, it still smelled like him. I can't explain the pain I felt in that moment but, it was the most intense pain I've ever felt to this day. I loved him so much.
After that, he wouldn't take my calls, he wouldn't answer any emails or texts. I knew where he went so I flew there to see him and he wouldn't even have coffee with me.
That was in 2012. I did my best to heal after that but, there is a part of me that will never heal fully from it. But, the hardest part about it all was the fact that he left with no goodbye and no closure. About a year and a half ago, I decided to call him (I hadn't tried for some 3 years)...to my surprise, he picked up! But, to my disappointment, he wasn't the same man I knew. He has erected so many walls that I don't recognize him anymore. He was calloused and hard when I tried to talk to him about anything "real." I finally got the chance to ask him "why" he just left, for example, no note, no call, etc. All he could say was that it "was time to shit or get off the pot...so he got off the pot." We've texted some since then but, he's just a completely different person. I don't believe it's who he really is. I believe the real him is in there somewhere. But, the author is right. He has to be the one who wants to fix it. I hate that. It breaks my heart even now as I am writing this because there is nothing I can do.
I asked my therapist why he did this to someone he claimed he loved (yes, I had to do therapy to move on past it after he left), he response stuck with me. "He loved you the best he could." What she meant was that he was limited in his ability to give me the real love I needed. He loved me as best as his ability would let him. I believe that. I believe he is running as this article points out. My ex gave me indications of that from his own mouth before he left when he told me that he knew he was "supposed to marry me but was running from it." Those words still haunt me to this day. Because deep inside me, I knew that's why he left. I know that no matter how much I try to piece it together and make sense of it, it won't. The reason he left is because he wanted to go to the next level but, he couldn't. Plain and simple. He's either not ready or he can't. And, it sucks because I miss him to this day.
By the way, I also want to say "thank you" for posting this article. It helped confirm some things for me and also gave me some other insights. Very good article. Very helpful.
I'm so glad it helped, Annony. Thank you!
Omg! This is my exact situation. Dated long distance for almost a year. He left when I needed him most. I knew he was hurt in the past....that didn't matter to me. But it is his pattern I have been told by friends and coworkers. I could feel the distance when things really were getting serious. Tried to fix it. Felt it was all my fault but now I am realizing it is him and his scars.
We can't fix it for them, Confused. No matter how much we try, it has to come from them and is never a reflection on you!
I also dated a man long distance for almost a year, which ended with him ghosting, but this wasn't his pattern. He wasn't a player. He was going through a divorce. He was married for a long time and only had one other serious relationship in his life. So maybe I can chalk his actions up to lack of experience, but I think after being married so long and having children, he would understand some basic manners and respect. I still haven't gotten over the feeling that I was nothing more than a distraction for him. I'm over him, but not that pain. I can't even look back fondly on good memories because I can't shake the feeling he was just putting on an act.
I think the friend telling you all this speaks volumes. I have had that experience once or twice before and looking back I can see that it must have been hard for them to do so albeit late in the piece. Deep down they are also hoping their friend is about to grow up too. Imagine your friends having so say something like that to a man you had just ditched? It doesn't bare thinking about. We wake up when we wake up and not a second sooner. Don't judge yourself for being human Tracy. We all are ... :_
If someone kept nagging me about settling down and wanted to move to Canada, I'd run off too. My sister actually moved to Canada to be with a man and hated it and left.
"Cute" pictures on facebook mean nothing!
I feel sorry for Tracy's pain, but if you have to badger a man about the next step, I'd say there isn't going to be one.
So true, Mel. Thank you.
My situation is the so exact the only difference is I'm pregnant by him...I was thinking about aborting it but he claimed he got really upset about it then he understood our situation. He already has three children and is emotionally unavailable. He lives two hours away but he comes down here almost every other weekend. I came to realize that I wanted to keep the baby but he wanted to go with my first answer because he said our situation would ruin the babies life which is true. Yesterday I texted him and thanked him for bringing me into your his life but he no longer serves me and that if he ever needed a friend I'm always here. Its so devastating. I just lost a baby and went through a breakup not even a year ago. And he can't be there for me all because he's unhappy with himself...it sucks
I forgot to mention that its been 10 months. He comes down here every other weekend to work because he claims hes in the process of owning his own business up here. After i sent him that message last night he never responded back*
This guy has done something similar before. Maybe not the exact same thing but something on the same level. It's a pattern. You were just the person who most recently experienced the effects of it. He is no prize. It could have been much worse.
Exactly, Rheba. Thank you.
Sometimes the reason behind why these people leave without saying goodbye because they are decided to just stop it rather than to stay..no reason behind ..just stop it.