I hear it so often. "Everything's going so well, but he tells me he doesn't want a relationship".
Sound familiar? Our lovely friend Ezi is going through this right now, and she's wondering what to do.
Her email:
I met this guy online and we seemed to connect really well.
We messaged each other about everyday, then he asked for my number and then we could talk about two days for 3 hours and sometimes we'd text. We'd take turns communicating with each other.
Then we finally met in person and it worked out well. We met two more times (one of them more recently).
Since we met online, he says he likes me and says I'm awesome (I guess it's because we have similar interests and I'm "good with words"), though he says he's not ready for a relationship because he's not over his ex from 3 years ago (he feels bad for how he treated her back then), he has too much baggage, he feels I am going places in life (in terms of career), and he feels I deserve better.
Even though he mentioned he'd like us to be more than friends.
Heck he kept mentioning (when we were online) how we could get married and how we'd have smart kids. I didn't look into what he said, but why would he say that knowing he's not looking for a relationship, when on my relationship I said I was specifically was looking for a relationship?
If he thought I was too good for him, didn't read my pursuits on my profile?
Despite all of that,he doesn't want me completely out of his life, even though I told him I'm looking for serious relationship. Though ironically I like him, but deep down part of me wants to have a relationship.
I know I should date other guys, but I'm not sure I am ready for things like right now. Not to mention I'm tired of dealing with heartbreak...I'd rather use the energy of looking for dates to focusing on school and my jobs.
I called him yesturday to see if he wants to meet up the next day. But I haven't heard from him all day!
Then again he told me he has been dealing with things, I told him I had a cold and I was helping my family with things... Ugh! I'm so confused... And I don't know whether to just end it with him seeing I can't the relationship I was seeking online in the first place: a loving and serious relationship!
He treats me well and encourages me to pursue my dreams... We always have a good time with one another... Sigh... What should I do?
- Ezi
My Response:
The real question is: What do you want to do, Ezi?
I’m hearing a lot of mixed feelings from you, which makes it not so surprising that you’re getting a lot of mixed messages from him!
You have to decide what you want.
You have to first get clear yourself on what you want – and what you don’t – before it will become clear whether this is someone who fits into your life and what you want, or not.
Of course he doesn’t want you completely out of his life! He knows you have so much to offer and he’d be crazy to let you go, but that doesn’t make you both on the same page and looking for the same thing in a relationship.
It still leaves a disconnect between what you want – a real relationship – and what he doesn’t want – that same real relationship.
We rarely ever want to date other guys when we’ve got someone we’re in a “kind of” relationship with, but the reason why you’re feeling like you should, is because you know deep down you don’t have anything you can count on with this guy.
Trust your intuition here. Trust your gut instincts. You have them for a reason.
The bottom line is that he’s not ready for a relationship.
He’s telling you that. Hear him. Believe him.
If you enjoy his company, if what he can offer you is enough for you, then be clear with yourself and enjoy. But if you can’t do that, if you would only be fooling yourself that what he wants and what he can offer you is enough, then let him go so that you can find someone who does want what you want.
The key here is for you to find out first, Ezi. You have to end the confusion within yourself first. It’s always easier to get clear on what we don’t want, but where we start attracting what we actually do want, is when we clarify that part.
End the confusion within you, and no one else will be able to confuse you. They will either be in or they won’t. They’ll sense it. They’ll feel it, and they’ll see that you back up what you say.
They’ll know they’re either in or out. They’ll know they’ll have to either step up to what you require of them, or they’re out. That’s something that comes through only when you know what you’re willing to accept, and what you’re not.
But again, this has to first come from you.
Sit with all this, Ezi. You know the answers already. They’re clear somewhere already within you.
Set aside the fear inside you that says he’s the best you’re going to find. Refuse to buy into the programming that says you want too much or expect too much or are never going to find someone who accepts the too muchness part of you.
Those are all lies that we allow ourselves to believe! Don’t!
There’s someone who’s going to love everything that this guy says makes you “amazing”, except that this other someone isn’t going to be telling you he’s not ready for a relationship or doesn’t quite know what he wants, but still wants to string you along.
No, we only get that when we’ll accept those kind of terms. There’s nothing wrong with being with someone like this, as long as you don’t want a real relationship. From what I’m hearing, that doesn’t sound like you.
You can do this, Ezi. Don’t leave it up to him. Make it clear within you!
Sending you love and light to see your own beautiful light.
Love,
Jane
What do you think Ezi should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with her (and the rest of us) in the comments!
At first the guy I met was constantly wanting to spend time with me, meet the kids, stopover, plans things together as much as possible and said and projected all the signals that he wanted to be with me. I ran with this and enjoyed every minute. He started to slowly change and became distant throughout the week days and even when we spent time together I was aware of the differences in what we were looking for. He drove all the commitment and time we spent together and then retracted slowly. I ended it by saying I had made the decision not to see him anymore because we were not on the same page and we would find something that was balanced and right for both us. I am not the kind of person that wants to analyse their actions and be made to feel uncomfortable. Sometimes we have to be tough with ourselves about what we are looking for. He was very unfair in his approach to our relationship and to my detriment I allowed it to happen because I am a positive person. Do not let anyone make you feel less than perfect for them. Relationships can develop into something meaningful but let's face it when we have a gut instinct about their actions it is usually right. I am now relieved that I had the mind set to do something about it. I refuse to reflect on his poor relationship skills and his lack of respect and honesty towards me. This should be his regret not mine. There is someone out there who will treat you well and the connection will flow naturally.
Exactly, Em. "His regret, not mine." So glad you did something about it - and realized your gut instinct was absolutely right!
I have the exactly same situation, it is really annoying and mental torture. So finally i decided to call it off because if he is not ready, what is the point i waste my time and make myself so unhappy. Is not that i don't love him, but i love him by set him and myself free. If one day he think he is ready and we still have that feeling, that maybe is fate.
Exactly, PL. You've got this!
I understand exactly wot she is going through I'm through the same thing it's so annoying
I'm going through the same thing now and I feel lucky that I have tried to search for some "help" on the Internet and especially from here. thanks everyone so much for sharing your insights and sending the encouragement. I've been chatting with a guy who is half way around the world apart from me, I met him online. I think I've falling for h own idea /imagination of him rather than himself yet I have to admit that I've grown a bit obsessed with that and excited thinking about the guy. He is planning to move over my country and that's why he's been searching and talking with more girls like me. We chatted for a few times and we're open to reveal our thoughts over our connection. He said that I seemed sweet and was one of the smartest he's been talking to, that he would def buy me dinner if we were in the same city. He also said I was awesome and if anyone didn't see that he must be stupid and I should never have a stupid guy in my life. But on the end he wanted us to "make a deal" that we should stay online friends until he could take me out on a proper date and we could talk to make more from that. But he also emphasised that I should never just wait around for a stranger like him and if I met someone I like I should date that person. I appreciate his honesty but sometimes I do find myself weak-minded and being such a typical 'woman' who keeps dreaming of the miracle power that could change the men's minds.
I'm not really believing in distant relationship but somehow I think I really want to be in a proper relationship now, I miss that happy loving feeling so much after a heartbreaking split with my ex 3 years ago and after going through several short dates and one-night stands and fwbs stuff, which I would have never ever thought I would be involved in few years ago. Anw, back to this story, I've found strength to move forward after reading through all of your sharing, Ezi and others!
I may sound too silly and stupid here telling all these stuff but guys, thanks a lot for your lessons. I just need come courage now to click unfollow him and move on with my life.
A man who is into you would never be scared off by a passionate kiss ... and his concerns about the word "date" indicate he is emotionally unavailable ... I had a relationship with a man who freaked out when we were grocery shopping for dinner stuff and I grabbed a toothbrush for him to use at my place (as he smoked) saying something like "geez I don't know if I am ready for that level of commitment" (in a joking manner - only not so much as it turned out).
Exactly, Paula!
I'm going through something similar. Met a guy at an upscale jazz club and we connected immediately. Turns out we know many of the same people (he is a musician and I hire bands, etc). He wasted no time requesting my number and calling to ask me out to dinner. He was complimentary and romantic on our date and there was chemistry. The kiss good night was sweet and sincere and I responded with a passionate kiss. I'm convinced that I scared him off by showing him my interest with my passionate kiss because he did not call me. He mentioned getting tickets for a show on our date and he never did follow through on that. He also mentioned that the word "date" had scared him even though he realized that is exactly what we were doing! We laughed about it. I suspect he got scared off. I'm so terribly hurt that he didn't call me. Not sure what to offer to you except to know your worth and let him go for your own sanity. Don't waste time !
You can never scare off someone who is truly on the same page as you, Sue. Please don't take his inaction personally! You're worth so much more than being with someone who gives you reason to wonder if you can be yourself with him!
Update: I just ended things with the guy. I really liked him but I had to be real with myself: it wasn't going to work. But I won't give up on finding a man who actually wants a real and loving relationship with me! Thank you all for the encouragement, your stories, and feedback! ?
You can never go wrong with being real with yourself, Ezi. Be so proud of yourself for figuring this out for yourself! We always know, deep down, we can always trust ourselves if we give ourselves the chance to. There will absolutely be someone else who will want exactly the same thing you want with you! Don't doubt that. This is how we get there - first by letting go of the ones who aren't on the same page, and next by getting so clear on what you do want and what that looks and feels like so that the one who's meant to be can't help but find his way to you!
Leave him and block his email. He is not worth it and you are worth more than this string along crap.
Thanks! I will
These men are class A "time-wasters". He has been right from the start it seems so at least he has been consistent albeit somewhat optimistically enthusiastic when he thought he could step up when he contacted you at the beginning. Life is too short in my view. Been there done that never ever again. Currently enjoying my 8th clear month free of such craziness and never been happier and what is best is that I am free to meet someone really special whenever our moons collide. These days when I meet men who are EU I just smile politely and walk on by. When you stop wasting your own time they do too but I have to say it wasn't until I stumbled across Jane that I truly began to get it ("when the student is ready the teacher appears") ...
Same here it wasn't until I came until this website, I noticed it but I had a hard time understanding . I stayed because although we mutually agreed on we'd stay as "friends" even though we both had agreed we both had different views about having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. That didn't work anyway. He just seemed really interested in me in the beginning of the relationship calling me, texting me, laughing with me, spending time with me... I felt good, even though my heart said he may not want a friendship much less a relationship with me. And we needed a man who wants to be our man and significant other. So yeah...but I learned what I needed to prepare for the man who is meant for me
You're confused because you're considering throwing your plan out the window to accomodate one guy who's clearly not the one. Are you sure you want a relationship with all the bells and whistles?
It's not about the person. He may be great, charming, smart, chivalrous, etc., but if he doesn't want a relationship with you, is not over his ex, then he's just not worth much to you. Your life is about you and what you need, not the nice people who happen to show up in it, as great as they may be.
He may have talked about marriage and kids, but he didn't even really know you. Don't buy into things said without actions and logic to back them up. People say things, it's what they do, it doesn't make them always true if actions show something different.
After being that girl who threw out her true desires to accomodate and audition for the role of girlfriend in front of guys who told me "I don't want a relationship", who chose to ignore those words, reading too much into every little nice word and smile to get badly hurt in the end, I can only advise you cut him loose and go find your relationship oriented man. I know you don't feel like dating... Oh how I know, but ask yourself: what do I want? Do I want a relationship? If so, how much do I truly want it? If the answer is "a lot", then bite the bullet and keep dating. Take a break for a bit if you need to, but keep going, girl. Things only come to us when we're focused and acting accordingly and in alignment with our true desires. That's what life answers to. You're smart, beautiful, use those assets to your benefit.
Good luck
Thank you! It's kinda hard cause I haven't had that "relationship" in along time. But I am the real loser in this cause I am not getting what I want right now. Thanks
Wow. Beautifully written and exactly what I needed to hear right now.
I'm in a similar situation as Patricia. I've been with a great guy for 3 years. He was married to his high school sweetheart for 23 years, then immediately went into another relationship and then when that relationship ended, began a relationship with me. We truly do love each other; however he realizes that he's never been truly alone to take the necessary time to heal and find out what he wants. He married in his early 20s and is now 54. We both realize the importance of him taking this time apart to find out who he is and what he really wants in life.
Sure it breaks my heart that he doesn't already 'know'; but in that I truly do love him, I have to let him go from a heart of love. We both deserve happiness. Who knows what the future holds!
The main theme here is getting in touch with yourself and what you really want in your life. Once you're centered, you will exude with the positive energy to attract someone who IS on the same page and wants the same things in life.
Everything happens for a reason.....we just have to be open and receptive to listening and learning.
Hi Ezi,
I, too, am in a situation similar to yours and with Valentine's Day fast approaching, it seems even harder to accept the reality of what is and what isn't.
I was with Mr. perfectly charming, sexy, kind, loving guy for over a year and a half, and this past January, he told me that he just couldn't commit. He didn't seem to know why, really - but mostly a fear of change... I told him, calmly, that it was best we end this because I know I want a committed relationship wherein we can plan a future together and have trips to look forward to and dinners together and buy a home together... I wanted that dream to be with him. Fast forward to current, he is calling me daily and almost panicky that I may be seeing someone else. I know he cares, and I know he loves me, but that doesn't mean that he is wanting to commit. He is struggling with the idea of change. He was married for 17 years and many of those weren't happy years. Although he and his ex-wife divorced many years ago, he still seems to associate commitment with that type of sad, lonely time.
It's exhausting. I am living in limbo land - constantly vacillating between waiting for him to realize how fantastic I am?, and my desire to date someone else that wants what I want without hesitation.
I enjoy reading this website. I hope that you, and all of us in this type of difficult trying time, find inner peace and strength. Sometimes, we just have to trust that we cannot control someone else, and that if they are meant to be with us, it will happen...
Amen to that - you sound incredibly strong Patricia - yes we need to release our attachment to an outcome with any particular man.
Thank you Paula, for the kind words... I like to think I'm strong, but truthfully, I feel like I am falling part most days...
-Patricia
Fabulous post Patricia and Brad - thank you for your honest insights.
Doesn't mean it makes it any easier when you're in the situation - I too am now steeling myself up for another fall I can see coming after this time truly thinking I'd met s'one I could have a future with ?.
But in the end - you don't need to ask him - you'll know cos he'll show you through his actions whether he's invested, confused or just along for a fun ride for as long as it lasts.
And only you know deep down what you want and what you're prepared to accept.
If you're not on the same page - that's ok - because you always have the power to choose where to from here....even when you're hurting...
Hugs
The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive Patricia ... 🙂
Thanks for this! It will give me the strength to move on
Why don't you date him and others too, but stay sexually exclusive with him; he may step up if he fears losing you.
Men say whatever, whenever. It goes out of their head as quickly as it came in. He does like you, probably finds you attractive as well, but it still means no relationship. He says he still wants you in his life cause he's getting something from it. Companionship, adoration and sex. He's not hurt by it, and has no emotional investment so he's in, why not? He will never change his mind and if he does, it will be when you are not around and he starts thinkin of you. This usually happens in months or years, not days or weeks. Another poster mentioned that he is keeping his options open. Yes, exactly. He doesn't want a relationship but if someone came along and he didn't want them to get away, he's have one. All of this to fill his own need. Hang out with him for a week or a year, the outcome will be the same. There are 1000s of men with this mindset, online and offline. You do know what you want, your not confused. You are back peddling to try to suit this guy. This is going to be heartache and disappointment for you. You are still in school? Do you actually think this is the last chance saloon? This is not your future husband.
Great post Brad - thanks for your honesty I appreciate it - cheers!
Thanks for this! I appreciate the man's point of you from this! Thought I gotta be honest, sucks to know to know who you thought was a stud, was really a dud in the end.
Once again thanks! I ended it with him yesturday. Not worth the heartache
You go girl!
I am in the exact position with a Man. We meet accidentially, we moved too fast by having sex, great sex, chemistry too intense. He starts pursuing me courting me the whole nine- telling all his friends and family about this amazing girl he met; me. The whole time I was falling for him and starts asking what we wanted to do about things, first he asked for more time, after a while I brought up the issue again and he says bcos he still can't get his head around how we got to have sex, keep having sex to feeling so close to each other he is struggling to decide and won't want to start a relationship bcos he doesn't want to offend me. I was sad, tried no contact for nine days reconnected and we continued from there, after which I just couldn't the uncertainties anymore and told him I couldn't be with a man who doesn't know that he wants to be with me, he confessed to me that first time we went no contact he started talking to his ex who lives in another country again and that has affected our relationship. I was so hurt but I had to accept his reality and I feel better, although I miss him, haven't seen him in 15 days, he called on 12th day but I kept convo short and he said he was struggling to cope without me, he asked how I was doing and I was very cheerful, when he wanted to over engage me, I thanked him for calling and ended the convo. I am proud of my decision bcos I feel like I deserve a real relationship and if he wants to be with me he needs to decide that away from my influence and the sex which was confusing both of us in the first place. I love him but I am willing to not be in that situation of uncertainty. What do you guys think???
You (Enobong) have done exactly the right thing. This guy is no different than the OP. If he wasn't talking to his ex during your no contact, it would have been someone else. He does miss you,that's why he called after 12 days, but it's only missing. He's not planning to have a relationship with you with you either. They call and say nice things, cause they can. Men are very cut and dry. If they are with you, and not saying they can't have a relationship, then they like you, if they are not with you then again, they do not want to have a relationship with you. Now often they don't want a relationship with anyone, but if they wanted you they'd hang on.
Your only hope is leaving him very much alone, as agonizing as that is, and hoping he reaches out. And not for a day because he misses you, and is having a moment of loneliness.
You are right so don't beat yourself up! You want a relationship so focus your energy on a man who wants one with you! Something I gotta do now...
Thanks it did for awhile but I was like screw this! And I just ended it with him today!
It is so simple and no one tells us! ALL you have to do is respond to a man, never initiate, let him lead and mirror him. He wants a feminine woman, so just be fun, playful, flirty, have great sex if you want. Never ask where it's going, never invite him anywhere and keep dating until he asks you to be exclusive. And keep your eyes and ears open, if he shows behaviour or does stuff you don't like, keep a mental note and end it. Look up Katarina Phang, she has it nailed.
I agree with what I have been reading. Figure out what you want. He doesn't want a relationship, but you do - find someone who wants a relationship. There are lots of fish in the sea looking dor the dame things. If you met him on a dating site, it sounds like he lied in his profile about what he was looking for, or unfortunately changed his mind about what he sees for you both. I suggest you stop talking to him, don't meet with him, and focus on school/jobs, or look to meet someone else. But don't continue wasting your time with this guy.
Good luck!
Thanks I will!
Hi Ezi,
I do agree with Jane...
Listen to what he said... Listen to what this man wanted.
He is telling you what he wants and not what you dream.
I've been there too, Ezi...
I struggled so hard to keep his feeling toward me after a one wo nderful year of being 'virtual lover' online. This man even made me worked and helped him to achieve his dream, and when he teached his dream... He 'pushed' me away... by saying " we are only friends now... don't expect anything"... At first i didn't belive his statement of being friends only..because he still kept texting me on daily basis...but all romantic words were disappearing. He also told me to find another man and pursued my dream... Though i told him that my dream is to be with him and he is with me like what he promised before. However, it was really devasting... I spent all days and nights crying... Feeling fool of trusting all his promises...
So Ezi, listen to him...
If he says he is not ready for you...he is telling you the truth.
Let him go...
I hope you don't have to experience what i've been through..
Big hug...
Thank you for the encouragement! I appreciate it! It gives me strength to move forward in my life and move forward without him!
Good for you! You deserve what you want in life...dont u ever settle for less
Ezi,
First, the issue about him not being over his ex is a red flag already. He should of told you this or it should have been brought up before moving forward. Then you would have the option of either being "Ok" with it or not. So being that you moved forward but you now know about the "Ex" already I would definitely not even think of having a relationship with this guy, now. Yes, you both get along great and you shared some moments together talking and meeting up, but the reality is that he is not ready for anything today and by the sounds of it you are unsure of wanting one as well. Do listen to him when he says he is not ready or unsure of wanting a relationship, as a woman you will try to change his mind and remain in the relationship, but it does not work out that way. I have been there and I know we tell ourselves that we can change him but in the end he doesn't and we end up drained emotionally and mentally. So save yourself a heartbreak and pain, by not continuing to see him. If you do decide to see him don't try to have a relationship with him but only a friendship but make sure you know what you want before you continue seeing him. Know what you want first and if he is not capable now of giving you that then don't seek him. He sounds like he is confused in life so don't include yourself in that confusion. Always love yourself first and then things will come into play for you.
Let him pursue you if he wants but make sure you date other men and that he knows that. Have no expectations of him.
If i had believed everything a guy told me about himself in the beginning.."you're too good for me" "i like/love you, but i dont want a girlfriend right now"...i would have saved myself years of pain! When i man tells you something about himself believe him!!!! ALWAYS.
If you decide to hang out with him anyway, you will be getting crumbs. Just know that, and enjoy what you do get...if you can. I never could, but i tried, much to the sad dwindling of my self esteem which was low to begin with and why i was settling!
Ezi...I agree with Jane...first you have to KNOW what you want...this is all about what you want. He told you he was not ready for a relationship. Listen, when a man tell you something...LISTEN!!! It will save you from alot heartaches...."you want a relationship, he doesn't want a relationship" where is the confusion? Take from someone who has the hat, scarf and t-shirt....people tell you who they are and what they want believe them!!! LIVE< LAUGH and LOVE yourself!!!
Hi Ezi,
My heart tells me that you should end up things with him.
Do not waste your time with him.Always remember when you date a guy for the first to ask what he is looking for if he is not on the same page..go to the NEXT.
I have learned the hard way.I thought with time my ex will change his mind about getting into a serious relationship.
You cannot change someone.
There is someone for you out there.Just be patient.
Love yourself.
I will keep that in mind in the future!
Ezi - Yes, first of all decide what you truly want. Then you can go from there. I wish you well. Bee
Dera Ezi
Run.....and fast
He is not ready for a relationship because he wants to keep his options open thats how I read it. I don't even know why these men are dating if their not ready.
These men are class A "time-wasters". He has been right from the start it seems so at least he has been consistent albeit somewhat optimistically enthusiastic when he thought he could step up when he contacted you at the beginning. Life is too short in my view. Been there done that never ever again. Currently enjoying my 8th clear month free of such craziness and never been happier and what is best is that I am free to meet someone really special whenever our moons collide. These days when I meet men who are EU I just smile politely and walk on by. When you stop wasting your own time they do too but I have to say it wasn't until I stumbled across Jane that I truly began to get it ("when the student is ready the teacher appears") ...
I wonder this too