You've tried everything up until now. And nothing seems to be working.
He's feeling pressured, so you back off. He's saying he's confused, so you try to help him sort through his confusion.
You give him more space – on the surface, but in your mind, there's no space between you. He's always on your mind. His last words are always on your heart. Never far away. Always ready to do something, to show him how much he should want to be with you. To try to convince him why the two of you could be the best thing ever.
But there's something you've missed here. It has nothing to do with him, but everything to do with you.
There is something you can do.
Instead of fighting this. Instead of going back over and over in your mind about why this shouldn’t be the way it is.
Accept him for where he is. Accept him for what he's telling you.
Accept. Accept. Accept.
When you accept something happens. To you. To him. To your relationship.
It seems like a buzzword or some kind of cliché. But it's not. It's the most powerful thing you've ever done.
It turns this around to you. YOU become the powerful one for a change.
There, standing in your power, you accept the reality of where he is, of what he can give you, and what he can't. You end the trying to make him become something he's not. You end the trying to find your worth – or whatever else you're looking for – in him. And you take back your own power to the only place it belongs: within you.
He is who he is. He may be close. He may share an amazing connection with you – I know, it's always so incredible.
But if it's not what you're looking for and he's not on the same page as you, the most powerful action you can take seems like a non-action on your part. But it's not. Quite the opposite, it may be the only thing that turns this around.
Your acceptance of him allows him to no longer feel pressured.
Don't tell him in words. Don't say this out loud.
Show him with your actions.
Hold this in your mind.
Simply accept, and the new words, the new actions will come. From you first. Because every action you take, every change you make, can't help but affect him to. It's your energy and his.
It's not just your intuition that tells you he has a sensitive side to him. I'm more convinced than ever that the male population has more sensitive men disguised as macho men than the women who we've come to expect to be.
Acceptance doesn't mean agreement. It doesn’t mean approval. It's doesn't mean you condone his behavior or the way he's treating you or what you've allowed him to become to you.
It doesn’t mean you're OK with the way things are. It doesn't mean you've given up on him – or you.
It simply allows what is to be.
It's not you resigning yourself to this fate; and especially not a fate you don't choose. It gives you wings to fly and a place to find your own beautiful life, while allowing him to be what he is, to be where he is.
It changes the energy, sets in place room for both of you to grow. And sets in motion the one way you'll find out if this is as good as it's going to get for the two of you.
Reality.
Acceptance allows it to be. It reigns in the fantasy. And most of all, it sets you free.
What does that look like for you? Tell us in the comments below!
I've been with this guy for 3 years. I honestly feel like a friend with benefits because he will not talk to me about emotions or love or commitment. I caught him texting other girls too but said its just friends. We have a magic sexual connection but he never says he loves me.....im obsessed with this man. I know im worth more and i need more but i dont know how to get out ;(
I have been dating a man for a year & a half. I have met his children. He has met mine. I have met his family. His friends. He wanted me at his side at his father's funeral just a couple months ago. I have felt him pulling away for a month & asked. He told me it was job stress and his health; he has gained weight and hates how he feels. I was supportive and did not push the subject. I finally get the courage (I have a difficult time revealing my emotions) that I see myself with him long term. Then BAM! he tells me I am the whole package and the perfect woman for him but he no longer wants to date. What ????? I feel betrayed - like I have been led-on. He wants to be friends. (Impossible) My mind continues to go back to the things he has said to me and his actions; I truly believe he cares deeply for me. For the first time in over 12 years I find the person who changed my entire perspective on relationships and he no longer wants me. This article on acceptance is truly helpful. I do not know right now how to implement accepting this as I am heart broken, but it makes sense. I cannot change him. Only myself. Thank you. And thank you all for your responses above. They are inspiring.
So glad these have inspired you, Stacy. Thank you. Don't take any of his actions personally. He clearly is dealing with his own issues that have everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. Take it one step at a time. Feel what you're going through and don't fight the going through. This is for you, not for him. Simply accepting what you can change and what you can't and walking through that acceptance is enough for right now! You are still everything you have always been - regardless of what he's done with you. In time, this will all become so much clearer to you.
Yes, Rachel, you are right; God does want us to have His best. I have a close relationship with the Lord and I write letters to Him in my journal. I felt in my spirit the Lord telling me, "No man will ever love you like I do; but I have one in mind who will come close." This gives me hope and encouragement that the right man will come along, just as the right one will come along for you. The Lord knew we needed help so He directed our path to Jane's website. What she says encourages us to do better and it is God's desire that we have a healthy and happy relationship. I want to take what I'm learning here and apply it to my life. I can only see good coming out of it. I hope you do too.
That is beautiful what He told you, Anne-Marie. I do see only good coming out of learning these things and applying them to life and even just being directed here as you said! Thanks for your words and encouragement.?
I'ld go further and say accept and let him go. This is because when u release him from your daily life and programme he ceases to have a power or hold on you.You cease to have expectations of him texting or calling. You regain your power and authority over your heart. Right now if you are single you are too precious to simply be friends and no real intention of commitment is clear. You deserve more than a guy who simply wants someone to talk to.The minute he finds his right person he'll leave you out in the cold - and he'll simply say we were just really good friends. In the mean time your hearts will be broken and feel used, but that's cause you let him use you with no real commitment.A friendship should always vary from a relationship...usually there is no consistent communication, dates out, gifts, holding hands, name calling etc.I'ld say avoid doing anything that would confuse his intentions with you.
Thank you so much, Bibi. I guess I don't really know too well the difference between a friendship and relationship, tho I am learning. My preference is being friends first, but he confused intentions with me from the beginning and kind of bypassed that phase with flirting and such... Guess I didn't know how to read the signals too well. Then it must've all got jumbled up. I feel a bit used and very sad. Later I told him that I wanted to be friends thinking I was doing the right thing, well, being convinced that that was best to say... Thinking now I might have ruined by the very thing I thought might help. But I guess I don't know that for sure. I need to overcome some fears and realize that God has the best in store for me, for all who seek Him, no matter what the outcome.❤️ And His timing is best. Thank you for sharing wisdom.
Thank you, Jane, for this article. It is perfect timing... I just discovered your website yesterday! I feel like it was written for me. I've struggled on and off with acceptance in a relationship (just guy/girl, not official) that I've had for 2 years. There seems to be a cycle... First I'm okay, and then I get worried that lack of contact on his part means he's lost interest or doesn't care; so then I talk with friends about it and they all have a different opinion! Sometimes I listen and act, and sometimes I don't, or I do my own thing, but it probably makes me look very wishy-washy to him! At least I know he can feel the energy... But he is wishy-washy, too. We have an incredible, uncanny connection even without speaking and with little contact. I am okay in that respect most of the time. I'd like to write a lot more but there just doesn't seem to be any words capable of saying what I'd need in order to convey the whole interaction and experience we've had! I wonder if I've done some things that may have made him shy away from a committed relationship, which breaks my heart when I think that. But he's said that nothing I did made him feel awkward or upset or anything. I think he may be super sensetive... I am also a sensetive person, which may be why he opened up to me. But there's a confusion of what we are. We started off as coworkers. Are we friends? More? Not now but maybe later type thing? I've come to the conclusion that to take it one day at a time is best. I've developed some friendships with a few other guys who I know are interested in me, at least to a degree. We text several times a week and see each other... I feel a little torn because I still think of my other guy with whom has ever been very little actual contact, yet these guys are apparently more invested in me. I'd appreciate prayer. I'm a Christian and I want my thoughts words and actions to be a testimony and light. I don't want to be a stumblingblock to a brother. I want to do what's right. Thank you again for your words, and for bearing with me!
Hi, Rachel.
First of all, you have to only do what you feel is right for you.
Having said that, I'll state my honest opinion. Two years is a long time to give someone who's not clear about you.
A man who is interested in you will never give you any doubts that he is. He shows up consistently, he tells you and his words match his actions. No exception. There's no amount of "magical connection" that means anything if you're not sure and if he's not committed.
I hope you see things for what they truly are and not what you want them to be. When someone shows you their true colors, don't try to paint a better picture. See them as they are and decide if this is what you want. My guess is it's not and that's why you're here.
Stay always in the present with a guy and see reality. Don't cling to memories or potential. If it's not what you want right now, it's not good for you and you have to let it go for your own peace of mind.
The right man cannot come in if you're hung up on the wrong one.
If he ever becomes that man you want and need, then he'll look for you and proove himself even if you choose to let him go. So don't be afraid to leave if this is not working for you.
Thank you for your words, Angel. The last two paragraphs especially ministered to me. This is sometimes so hard to do but I want to be consistent in it.❤️
So glad you're here, Rachel. Welcome! There's always a reason you find your way here! It sounds like this is one of those situations where you take a step back and look at what you need, what you're looking for, what you desire, instead of what he wants/needs or what you might be here to be or do for him. While noble of you to want to be a testimony and a light, I can't tell you how many women have been in places that were never the places they were meant to be, simply because they were more focused on being of service to someone else than questioning how they were being served. If this is working for you, then let it be what it is. You're right about all the reasons you're probably both attracted and attracting each other. But if you want more than this, if you're actually ready for more, then don't let that connection or similarities keep you in this same place until you have nothing left of yourself. You deserve something of your very own, something you can easily define, something that isn't so complicated and requires an endless amount of words to understand. Love is simple, Rachel. Remember that one. Love is kind. To yourself, not just to someone else. You're not here to be a martyr; you're here to be loved and to love the way love was always intended to be. I understand this place you're talking about more than you know.
Thank you, Jane, for your gentleness and kindness. I can tell you understand!❤️ I agree with what you're saying.?
My pleasure - and honor, Rachel. I'm so glad this resonated with you.
Yes, Jane, I think you have got it exactly right. If he can not committ, accept that he can not commit and keep looking for somebody who can. It does not mean you have to break up with him or never talk to him again. Seriously, if there has never been any committment then there is nothing yet to break up, right? Just he has to get it that if he can not committ, then neither can you. Lack of committment on his part simply means that you are free and can enjoy and take advantage of your freedom the way you like ( up to and including seing other men). I think a lot of women suffer a lot of pain just because they get misguided into beluef that if she casually dates one uncommitted, or in some cases even talks to one man, who is totally not making any efforts to even committ to a date then dating anyone else is a total no-no, like she is already married. I think if women kept their eyes open and realised that it is wrong to committ to seing only one man, before he committed to an exclusive thing with her is totally wrong.
I agree, Nina. To close up the options before commitment is a trap. Some women are able to stay with a long time boyfriend before marriage, but maybe then they're just on the same page without having to verbalize it? Unless one is committed they're as open and available as the next person.
I agree, Nina; and yet this is one that so many of us have such a hard time getting our heads around. Thank you for clarifying this point especially - "Lack of commitment on his part simply means that you are free and can enjoy and take advantage of your freedom the way you like ( up to and including seeing other men)."
This couldn't of came at a better time. I've been following you're emails and comment every time. Ur advice has really helped me through my relationship problems. I've been w/ my BF for over 2 yrs. he won't live w/me, haven't really met his family & he has no desire to get married knowing that one day I want that kind of commitment. And especially after 2 yrs we should live together & saying I love u should be said. I've never experienced this before & its taken its toll on me mentally & emotionally. I dnt even knw who I am. I've allowed way to much of his behavior, accepted that this is how it will be & kept pushing my real feelings away pretending it's ok. My BFs reasonings for not living w/me is cuz all I do is bitch. Well I bitch cuz we aren't moving forward, no progression, nothing! And I can't help it. I'm so sad, confused & angry all the time cuz I dnt knw why he doesn't want a life w/ me like I want. I see him a few times a week. It's pathetic. Last Thursday I did the unthinkable. I asked him if he had any intentions of marrying me in the future and his reply was 'I have no intentions of marrying anyone.' I said OK then I'm done there's no point in waiting around for something that's not gonna happen and that's what I want, if you can't give it to me then there's no reason to continue. He flipped. Cried out side my apt for 3 hrs and is still crying. He makes no sense but is doin a good job at making me feel bad. I did say that i wouldn't be like all the others and leave him yet I did. I tried to ignore it for so long cuz I don't want to be a liar but it just wasn't working and the pain and misery I felt was killing me. He's not taking this well and I now see that maybe he does love me and care but then again why now? It's too late. I didn't want to end this, I wanted so badly to have a life with him but obviously he doesn't or it would've happened. He didn't even knw my middle or last name when I asked him the other nite. Wow. So I'm tryn to tell myself that I'm doin the rt thing. But it's hard cuz he's so torn up over it. As bad as this will sound, what's helped me is recently I met someone. Just talkn & nothing more, until I officially broke it off w/my bf. And what i noticed rt away was I can tell that my new friend is totally crazy about me. There's no confusion or wondering if he likes me. hes in contact with me every day and he makes me feel the way it's supposed to feel. I knew almost immediately that he is into me no doubt about it. and that's how it's supposed to be. And it's amazing how in just 2 weeks, this guy makes me feel so good, no confusion to how he feels about me & genuinely wants to get to knw me which is a feeling I've been missing for too long. And the sad part is, in the 2 yrs I was w/my now exbf, I never really felt that he loved me & always wondered if he really cared. And that's not how it's supposed to be. I knw this and Jane u are truly amazing in all that u do. I can not thank u enough for helping me thru this diffucult time in my life. For the first time I feel happy & excited cuz I knw I can have a love and future like I want & deserve. It just took me some time to figure it out on my own. You have no idea how u have helped me change my life
Jane I want to thank you for helping me and other people in doing what you do everyday. It seems as if you are like an Angel hidden yet you see all I experience like you have been here with me through the pain of fear to let go and to see my relationship for what it is. Thank you for all you do and giving me the light to see a way out without feeling guilt for not feeling good enough and the courage to spread my wings to fly.
oh, Tina. Thank you for your beautiful words. We're so not meant to go through this alone, without someone who truly understands what it's like to walk in these shoes. If all you do is throw off that guilt each and every time it comes and remind yourself that you are always inherently good enough - regardless of what anyone else in your past has led you to believe, you will find those beautiful wings take you places more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. You deserve nothing less, Tina. Don't settle for any mere crumbs along the way.
I really like what you have written, Jane, and I agree with what your saying. It makes perfect sense. I believe acceptance comes when you're ready to see the relationship for what it truly is, and what you're not getting out of it. I like the idea of setting him free to be himself. He cThen I'm free to be me as well
Exactly, Anne-Marie! I'm so glad this makes sense to you. Setting him free to be who he truly is gives you the gift of being the one who chooses this for yourself - and that is one free, confident, beautiful woman! 🙂
Thank you Jane,,, Acceptance to me is Love and Respect.
Beautifully said, Cindy. Absolutely! Thank you for adding these words.
I think you wrote this article to me. Honestly , it's like you know exactly my situation and spoke directly to it. This past Saturday I told my guy how I was feeling and what I wanted, that I knew he wasn't able to give it and so thanks and good luck. It was quite liberating and I'm super sad but relieved in a way (after going through a few boxes of tissue!)
Specifically I told my guy that I was done waiting and wondering when he would be able to spend more time with me and that I needed more. I told him that I understood he wasn't able to give me more attention or time right now and that it was nice getting to know him and goodbye and best wishes.
After a couple of texts back and forth he pretty much "got it" and even admitted that he's making excuses, is pushing away amazing women, and probably just isn't in the right place to date right now. I didn't expect him to take any responsibility for his actions but it was a nice way to wrap it up.
Your blog/videos/postings were such a HUGE help in making this change and I truly appreciate your advice. I felt like I was honest, open, and yet still retained my sense of self and personal power. I'll keep watching and reading as I know I'll have those doubts creep in occasionally and it's great to have the reinforcing positivity you put out in your writing. THANKS!
I could not agree more! Who wants someone who doesn't want you on the SAME level? Trying to "control" another person can be like controlling the ocean. Reality is the optum word in all of life's travels.
So true, Vee. Your analogy to the ocean reflects exactly that reality!
Jane this article really resonates with me. It has been one heck of a journey for me. Thank you so much. I am so inspired by your wisdom and insight.....
So glad, Marie. Thank you! You inspire me more than you know.
Accepting that you have to let go of someone you truly like is hard when you see so many good intentions from them but my heart means more had enough heartache to last me a lifetime that I have to let go...and be me again and concentrate on getting me back to the person I am...
There will always be good intentions, Emma, but to accept the reality of just how far those good intentions go - and how far they don't, frees you from the longing, the hoping, the holding onto for what may be months, years and even longer for only the potential of those intentions. No other single action shifts the energy between you more than this. If that's all you deserve, if that's all you believe you're worth, than what kind of life is that in the long run? Be you, Emma. Don't stop until you've found you again. Heartache is not the way love is ever meant to be!
Thank you, I understand that to accept will help, but how do you deal with the aftermath?
The no contact, the waiting , yearning for a text or call, to show that you were worth something, meant something. Four days now with not seeing him, limited texts that I've practically begged for, begged for a call to hear his voice , but no response. Yet he'll show up somewhere just as I'm dealing with it, hold out his arms, kiss me and I'll be gone again, just to see his smile. He'll profess undying love and we'll hold each other for ages and I'll feel safe. Until the next time, the contact will drift, the texts will get 'matey' not close. I can tell when he seems to be feeling 'less' and the contact gets less, the meet ups don't happen, planned days out that have taken lots of sorting, just don't happen because something crops up. My friends say get over it , he's not worth it, but its like an addiction. I cannot function, my hearts in bits , I cant eat, I dont want to do my daily activities there seems no point. Yet I am not some young teenager, but a mature woman with a professonal career. I could tell my friend how to deal with this. Why can't I tell myself. HELP ME PLEASE I'M going out of my mind. x
oh I feel what you're going through, Lynn. We can see the way so clearly for someone else, but for ourselves when we're in the throes of it, it can be the hardest thing to actually do. You've got to start small here. Accept what little you can. Accept the smallest piece of reality that you can't change. And let it build from there. Don't fight yourself this much!
If you can accept the reality of what actually is, then you're in a position to decide what you want to do with it. Does it work for you on some level? If it does, then let it work for you. You're the one doing the choosing here.
You don't have to let him go. You don't have to deny yourself this man if this is actually working for you. Let go of the need to fight it and accept it instead. You don't have to listen to anyone but your own heart. If it's more information you need, go get it. But accepting what is, instead of trying to make it into something it's not, frees you to make that decision.
It's not about anyone else, it's about what you need, and what you can live with. Sometimes the best advice is that which comes from your own beautiful heart.
Trust yourself; you know so much more than you think you do! No matter how much it seems like you don't, no matter how much it feels like fighting this is the answer. You can tell yourself; but tell yourself in a way that reflects your own heart, not someone else's!
Lynn,
I understand completely what you are going through. I am in the exact same boat. I also am not a young, inexperianced woman. I am independant and self sufficient. However, the man I have been involved with for 5 years has a way of turning me into a complete basket case. My friends say they don't recognize the woman I have become because five years ago, I would have never allowed a man to treat me the way this guy has. I am on ten days with no contact and it is hard, but I can tell you that is does get easier every day. There is a great book called Men Who Can't Love that I just read. It really puts into perspective how these men operate and helps you to realize that it isn't you...it is something in them. No matter how perfect you are, they run from commitment.
For my realtionship, the first two years were wonderful until he asked me to marry him. Literally as soon as those words came out of his mouth, he started his three year journey to slowly back out of the realtaionship. He slowly began to take his love away. Finally three months ago, he packed up his house and moved three hours away just to get out of a commitment. He said we would continue and do long distance, but once he got there he cut off all contact. Then he said the words that broke my heart into a million pieces....I don't love you anymore. It is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through, but I just keep in the back of my mind that where it is darkest, the light will follow. Take care of yourself and remember one day at a time! I promise it slowly gets better.
Sweetie,
I know how this feels. It's a roller coaster ride like no other. It's one that makes you feel trapped in the darkness, one that makes you feel helpless and hopeless and makes you not recognize the woman that you thought you were.
I wish I had an easy answer for you dear, but no words are going to heal what you're going through, only time and patience with yourself. I'm suffering through the same thing.
It's been over a month for me. I know in my heart this man is wrong for me. He's hurt me over and over again. Professed love to me then told me he wasn't ready for a relationship, made me feel low and unattractive and unwanted and unworthy. He was emotionally unavailable and he disappeared often, broke dates promises, but most of all my spirit. He used me and emotionally broke me down.
But I'm fighting to get me back every single day. Some days, including today, I cry. I sink so low sometimes all I want to do is go to bed, get under the covers and cry all day. Sometimes I sit in the house with no tv on or radio, and I'm alone, miserable with my thoughts. I journal alot. I miss the good times I had with this man who I loved so deeply, but I remind myself of all the things he did to hurt me and make me feel bad .Then I praise myself and remind myself of just how strong I've been. I told him how I felt, I told him how hurt I was, I made the decision to pull away, and I am the one letting go. It's hurtful every single day. But every day, he fades more and more. But I still miss him and the good times we did have.
I try to keep myself busy so that I don't focus on him so much. I focus on learning new things, I watch funny movies, I write it out sometimes, I'm taking Jane's program which is making me do some real work, I work out, imagine how the future is going to be, I try to do something good for myself to keep my mind from drifting on him.
It's hard not to think about him, but it takes time to get over someone. You can't beat yourself up or rush through it. You're wounded inside and just as the body takes time to heal, your heart needs time and nurturing. Be honest about how you feel and just get through it the way you have to. It's your life. But I'll tell you from experience, you have to start the process of letting go. Don't postpone the pain by going back to him over and over again. I wish I had started this process a long time ago. I just kept reopening the wound. I did not think I was strong enough to withstand the pain. And some days I don't feel like I can it hurts so badly. But I'm still here, I'm still fighting, although it's through tears some days.
But you will be better off without him. Good luck beautiful. You can do this.
Thank you for your words here, Wise Chick. Yes, here you are. Walking in your own truth. Getting stronger and rediscovering yourself along this journey. Yes, through tears some days. But those tears are what heals, what reveals your beautiful humanness and keeps you soft. Let them fall. You are becoming something that much more beautiful, that much more precious, through this all.
I would also add the realization and acceptance of one fundamental truth: we are not victims. We get to choose. That realization changes the mood entirely. It restores balance and gives our power back to us.
Enough of this futile attempts. Enough with this self-imposed lack of dignity.
Having enough of it sets us on a new path.
Exactly, Angel! Thank you.