Our beautiful friend, Ally, has been burned recently in her online dating life, and now wonders if she can trust her new guy.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I've been reading your blog and watching your videos with interest. You seem like such a kind woman and the advice you give really does make sense to me.
It's just so hard to follow. The willpower needed is extraordinary.
I recently split up with my boyfriend of 12 years. It was my decision. He wasn't abusive or unkind. We just grew apart. Something wasn't right. We didn't want the same things in life.
I've since started online dating.
I got badly burned with the first man. He pursued me for months before I slept with him. I didn't even like him that much. I liked the attention. Gifts, dinner, romance (the whole thing), but he was very self-absorbed and I thought time and time again that he wasn't right for me.
Then, when he got his prize, he text dumped me ( the typical "I just want to be friends") the next day.
I was full of self-doubt. Devastated. I didn't even like him. He pressurized me into sex. I thought I was stronger than that. But, I can't handle the rejection. Was I not exciting enough in bed? Is it because I'm overweight?
I then decided to quickly get back into the game and met another man.
We got on very well on the first date. The first man was a dark, broody poet, the second guy is a giant happy-go-lucky puppy. Total opposites.
We had a second date.
He cooked me dinner at his place. I told him I wanted to take things slowly. He was a gentleman. We kissed and then slept in separate rooms. He made me breakfast. All very sweet.
Lots of text messages afterwards. Then it slowed down for a couple of days (he says he's sick). Now, it's back on again.
He wants to see me again next weekend. But, I feel like I'm falling too quickly again.
Can I trust him?
Why was he slow at getting back to me? Is he blowing hot and cold? Is he really sick or does he have a few women on the go at the same time? Why am I so desperate? Will he dump me if I sleep with him? I'm so nervous about it all.
I have a very fulfilling life.
I translate novels, I'm invited to speak at events, I'm the president of a charity, I travel, I have lots of friends and a wonderful family. I know I don't need a man to complete me, but I still want someone to love me.
When I don't hear back from him, I cry!
Then I try to sort myself out and make plans about losing weight and making myself happy, but then a text message comes through and I get reeled back in again. How do I stop myself going through this cycle of behavior? Checking my phone all the time? Wanting something so much?
I'm allowing my work to suffer because of this. It's getting in the way. I don't know whether to give this guy the benefit of the doubt now that he says he wants to see me again, or to just sort myself out first.
Thanks for your help.
Ally
My Response:
Dear Ally,
Thank you for your beautiful words, Ally.
I’m so glad you’re here, that you’re finding what resonates with you, even if it seems so hard to follow the advice you hear right now. I say “right now”, because this, too, is a temporary state. It will change.
You sound like so many of the women I work with. Some of the most intelligent, beautiful, accomplished, successful women I’ve ever met. And yet they almost all have in common something that I would call “rejection sensitive”.
They can deal with everything that happens in their lives, except when someone finds them incompatible. That they can only see as yet another rejection of them.
And this is what I’m hearing from you.
You so want to be loved, to be accepted for who you are, to be with someone who you can share this life you’ve worked so hard to create for yourself. You want someone to come home to, to call up when you’re away on business, to end the night with together.
But instead, you’re reaching for your phone to see if he – whoever the current he that you’ve placed on that familiar pedestal happens to be - has texted you.
Am I interesting enough? Am I attractive enough? Am I lovable enough? These questions are what this is really about.
Am I enough?
Of course you are, Ally.
But it’s so difficult to see it when you don’t see it within yourself. When all the validation has to come from somewhere outside of you, instead of within.
That’s why you feel “desperate”. There’s nothing desperate about you, but you feel that way because it’s such a desperate feeling to need to be loved by someone outside of yourself who isn’t capable of loving you like this, or needs to be convinced of “why” he should love you.
The ones who love you will love you just as you are, Ally. They won't need convincing.
They won't need you to do anything except be yourself. But this isn't what we believe. These were never the messages we're given. Instead, we do the worst thing we could do to ourselves; we give them the power to reject us.
As if they could ever be worth more than we are, we give them the power to reject us or accept us. And on that basis, we determine our self-worth. How ironic it is when we look at it like this; that another mere mortal can hold the key to our worthiness!
Look at what you've got.
Look at the life you've created for yourself!
Look at who you are, all you have to offer someone who proves himself worthy of you. Don’t settle for those crumbs! You're worth so much more. But until you accept yourself, by accepting everything about yourself, the good, the bad, yes, even the ugly, and embrace this fully human person of you, every crumb will seem like more than you've got.
There's nothing to hide. There's nothing to shame yourself for. It's in this acceptance of yourself that you'll find someone who accepts you, too.
Yes, we all have things we don't like about ourselves that we want to change, and go ahead and take steps to change those things into what you want yourself to be. But not with shame, not with loathing, but with loving compassion for even those parts of you.
There's nothing to be nervous about when you're the one who holds your own beautiful power, Ally. There's nothing to be desperate about when you're the one who chooses what you want and what you don't for your life – and when you realize that you are always the one who does the choosing.
And there's nothing anyone can do to you to take away your enough-ness, your worthiness, your you when you don't allow them to.
Come back to you, Ally. That's where all your answers will be found, including what to do with this guy. Not coming from a place of lack, but from a place of your own cup being full.
That's the only place where the love you're searching for is found. And it's exactly how the ones who are capable of mirroring that love back to you will find you.
Love,
Jane
This hits home for me. Logically, I understand that I have to value myself instead of allowing others to value me. But there is a disconnect between my heart and my head. So that every time I am rejected, it feels like my husband walking out on me all over again. It is such a searing pain and one that doesn't seem to get better. I try so hard not to come off as desperate, but it is just that, an act. Deep down, I feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough. I am currently raising two teenage girls on my own, no support from Dad despite court orders. I am working, and getting a master of Education degree, and yet the feeling of worthlessness persists. What must I do to ever finally prove my worth to myself?
I recently left my husband who was emotionally abusive and started a friendship with an old boyfriend. For about a month he pursued me very hard. I told him I needed space and time but as soon as he gave it to me I became extremely needy and desperate. My actions have driven him away and I believe we are over. I am very hurt. I want to know how to love myself more. What can I do - not to get him back but to heal and love myself?
I was struggling with this situation in all my relationships, but what happens to me is getting really mad and i bombard my partner with awful words. Just like a baby who cries for attention, i say i know you don't love me, so why are you here and...
Then i regret, try to fixed it out but it is too late.
You're seeing the connection, Parisa. Find that little baby inside you, that little girl who so wants to feel loved, and love her like she's never been loved before. There is a way out of this, but it can't come from anyone outside of you. It comes from you.
I've been going through the same exact thing. I dealt with so many men who have really left me with a sour taste in my mouth for dating. They all had other things going on, ex-girlfriend drama, a gaggle of other women, they were cheap, rude, liars, broke, emotionally broken men who broke me down for a little while. One really took me though it. Made me feel inadequate, like I wasn't enough for him, well too much, like he could take me or leave me at any time. And then I met another guy right after him who did the same thing. And it kept happening, and happening, and happening. Now I've gotten to the point where I don't even wait anymore. It's still hard. I go through it every day. My emotions are up and down, extremely sad and then happy. I'm working through it. Rejection is hard to deal with, but I take it as a cue to just move on and find someone who wants me for who I am right now. I can only be me. I'm a thicker woman as well and men judge me for it all the time. I figure, if a man can't love me for who I am, he's just not right for me. He can go out and find the version of perfection that's right for him. I refuse to change me to please anyone or feel the need to compensate for any shortcoming. All I'm going to do end up right back single and miserable again. Waiting for him to call or text me, waiting for him to approve of me, waiting for him to treat me right, waiting for him to love me, waiting for him to give me a relationship. I'm sick of waiting on anyone. I've made myself a bucket list and I'm working on my own dreams, on what makes me happy. Despite the fact that these experiences have hurt me, they still sting when I think about them. But I'm fighting to live a better life, to treat myself better instead of allowing these guys to affect me so badly. I'm preparing myself for the right guy and that does not include losing weight, it does not include changing any aspect of my personality, it does not require make up, or boob jobs, or anything...it requires me to just be who I am and love all of it...ALL of it. And be mentally and emotionally strong enough to walk away when any part of it feels wrong to me. Now I reject them. Now I am the one doing the choosing. Now I DEMAND what I want. These next round of fellas are in for something. They are not ready. lol.
Ally i can relate to this. 3 weeks ago i played with this guy online on a app called Words With Friends, so me n this guy planned to meet up in person in public n i finished work n he was on his 30min break, he bought the coffees, i was happy n couldn't believe i met some guy online in person which i know which is dangerous, i kept a secret from my parents about it.
the guy seemed friendly, sweet n smiling in person n he did dancing. we talked about the game n places around the world. at the end i told my best friend n she said she's happy i told her n she said if i see him again i can let her know. last weekend my parents were worried about me getting hurt n saying it's wrong to meet someone online with my auntie at the table.
all i wanted to do is see them again coz they were friendly but my mum n auntie were worried about me getting hurt n i was in trouble n my mum was disgusting. my auntie said don't see him again coz i could got hurt n raped n not vs him again but i wanted to n i was in tears when i got told off. i never heard from them again.
so Ally u should be careful when it comes to those things when meeting a guy online, make sure he's friendly etc. if u get hurt tell your parents or tell them u will meet someone online, say something like "can i meet this guy (name) today for a coffee" they will say Yes or No etc so your safe. no1 wants to get hurt online
these days when we meet someone online all they want is attention n in person they would ask u would u like to come back to my mine or come with me in my car,i will give u $50 for it.
Get out there n join a club where there's real hot guys n don't trust those who are online.
all the best Ally
Ally I am sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with Jane this is just a temporary state. One thing I have learned is that a man should compliment your life not add to your life. I see that you have a full and fulfilling life. Start loving yourself and you will draw love to you (law of attraction). Become what you want, if you want love, give love. Change the way you think, tell yourself everyday for 30 days, I am beautiful, I am wanted and I loved. As you speak it in the universe, believe it in your heart and see what happens. I have been there also, waiting on a phone text or call. Gurl, please!!! Get out and have FUN!! How I handle rejection - I say to myself, I rather have a cake instead of crumbs any day. If you want to have sex with someone do it for you not for them, it is all about you!!! Turn it around, tell them "thank you for the tune up" . Always remember you are the prize and this is your life. The only person that can make you happy is YOU!!! Ally, you are letting your money (work) suffer for a MAN!! Enough said!!!
Great advice, RealDavis. Thank you!
I can relate to this so much. I had a similar experience. The first man I went out with more than 3 times after my breakup was very similar, I liked the attention and the wining and dining and wasn't even that into him and then he basically stopped pursuing right after we had sex even though I waited a couple of months. It caused me to join a new dating site and seek attention from men on there and invest too much too soon. Ally, all I can tell you is if you continue to walk this path and learn to source your own life from within, it does get easier to accept the "rejection" and move on quickly from it. Like Jane says, put your focus back on yourself and your own life and don't take it personally. I recently had an experience where I went out with a guy twice and liked him and after that he kept texting me but didn't ask me out again. I was disappointed but after a couple of days I was able to let it go and move on. This is worlds better than I would have handled the situation in the past. So just keep walking the path and know that it does get easier.
And it does, Sallysue! Thank you so much for sharing and adding your perspective here.
When I read the letter, all I can see is an internal ache. Pretty much like mine. It's not these men, it's us choosing them and allowing them to get close when they're not right for us what is pointing us towards the wound and the truth that cries to be acknowledged and understood.
It's you asking for your attention, you asking for your validation but you misinterpret it looking for that outside. I think it happens to almost all of us at some point. Sometimes it helps to take a short break to breathe, to write, to just be with yourself and take care of you without so much input coming in. If we don't listen to ourselves, we won't be in fulfilling situations with any man because what's tearing us down is not them.
Exactly, Angel. And when we realize this for ourselves - that it's really us, and not them who's "doing" this to us - we discover our own power to change it. Life-changing!
I am trying so hard like this woman.....to find me....to be confident in me....and to think that I am enough. It feels so vulnerable to even just go to coffee with a man and then to not hear from him again. It feels vulnerable to be friends....and to wait to hear from him again. This is crazy! How can I get over the feelings of rejection and still give space for his wounds? What if he is coming from a place where he was rejected too? How can I be confident and thoughtful of him at the same time? The wounds of betrayal are not fun to get over!!!!!! (mybeautifullybrokenlife.com)
I so hear you, Leslie. Regardless of where you both come from as individuals, you'll navigate these waters together in a way that works for both of you. By taking it slow, and taking your time to really get to know each other, you'll naturally come to see if what's working for both of you individually also works for you as a couple. Can you live with each other's wounds? Can you live with each other's baggage? More than anything else, it matters that you're on the same page, that you both want the same thing. Time will let you know. Not putting all your eggs in one basket and losing yourself will keep you strong and remembering who you are and how much you have to offer. Stay in the practical reality of what is, Leslie, no matter how much we're conditioned to go right to the fantasy. That's what saves you.