You're a little girl again.
He's coming in the door after work. You run as fast as your tiny legs can carry you to meet him. He catches you in his arms, picks you up and swings you around. You're daddy's girl; he adores you.
He comes over to your little play kitchen where you've made some special pretend cookies for just the two of you to share. He sits down at your little table and you pretend to eat them together.
You're growing up. You're a teenager now.
Your dad has just arrived home from work. He knocks at the door of your room. "I've got a surprise for you", he calls.
You open the door, and there he is, holding two tickets to the sold-out concert your favorite band is playing. "We're going!"
And no, it's not strange to be going with him. He's the coolest dad around because he's been with you from the start. Never letting you go, always being there for you, always showing an interest in your world and in all the things that matter to you.
It's your 21st birthday.
Your party with your friends is happening later, but right now you're meeting your dad at a very special restaurant. He's got reservations for the best table in the house.
He picks you up in his just-washed car, opens the door for you and hands you a beautiful bouquet of red roses.
Over dinner you talk about all your dreams for the future. He listens intently to you, and then tells you his own stories from when he was your age, when he had his own dreams and plans. Afterwards, he drops you off at the surprise party your friends planned for you. Yes, he was in on it, too.
It's your wedding day.
You're walking down the aisle with your father at your side. He's holding your hand firmly in his while you're holding his arm. He's the proudest father in the world right now. The man you're about to call your husband is waiting for you, and your father is so happy for both of you.
You've taken your time to really get to know him, and he's your best friend as well as your fiancé. He and your father have become good friends, too, because after all, these are the two most important men in your life.
With tears in his eyes, he gives you a kiss and places the hand he just held into the hand of your soon-to-be -husband. "I love you, Beautiful", he whispers in your ear. "I love you, Dad," You whisper back to him. It's the beginning of your very own happily ever after.
I'll never forget the scene from He's Just Not That Into You where Jennifer Anniston's character has just broken up with her long time boyfriend. She was at a family engagement party celebrating her sister getting married, and she runs out of the room in tears. It's her father who runs out after her, seeking her out, taking her in his big strong arms, holding her, reminding her of all that she still is, all that she still has to offer, and giving her words of hope.
How many of us have longed for that? How many of us would have given anything to have our fathers pursue us like that, seek us out like that?
Yet, in reality, it's just another fantasy for most of us. And instead, having never known what it feels like to be pursued like this by our dads, we set about chasing after men who remind us so much of our dads in the hopes that they will eventually turn around and pursue us.
It's our attempt to finally prove ourselves worthy of that first love we never could quite win over. And it's why we find ourselves in that all too familiar place time and time again.
Always about us, never about any "him". Piling on the rejections, proving to ourselves each time that there must be something wrong with us, without realizing that we could choose someone different, that it's not our role to make anyone love us, as if we ever could.
What is there about love in that?
It's time to accept the past as it was, to accept our dads as they were. It's in that acceptance we find our peace, and it's in that peace that we stop the endless seeking, the repeated choosing of yet another man who resembles that hope of trying to make someone love us the way we long to be loved even as he is incapable of doing so. It's time to set ourselves free from this need to do this to ourselves anymore.
You see, your father might not have been able to give you what he himself had never been given. He might have never been given any other script than the only one he knew, but if he had been able to, if he had been capable of something more than what he was, he would have.
Let's imagine that, instead.
Happy Father's Day, Dad. To the Dad you are. To the Dad you will always have your reasons to be.
To the Dad you will always be in my own mind to me. I love you.
My dad wanted a son and so he never liked me, never played with me and no matter what I did I wasnt good enough. I'm 27 now, I havent been in even 1 relationship that lasted more than 4 months, I always fall in love with guys who are emotionally unstable or just dont care about me and the ones that like me turn me off because I cant stand the feeling of a man liking me, it just feels so wrong.
I seriously dont know how to break out of this because I know I am standing in my way to happiness and true love.
You're aware of it all now. How do you break the pattern? By consciously trying to give a chance to a man who does want you, who does like you. Just be aware of your thoughts, and fears and move despite them. That, allowing yourself to feel something different creates new neural pathways. Be patient, it takes a bit of time to rewrite our habits, but it's the only way to
I've read a few self help books now, a lot of articles and blogs and even antidepressants to help me let go of a fantasy relationship and building self esteem etc. for the past year. They were working but I just needed that something extra to really drive the point home because at the end of day, I still wanted this guy just like all the people before him. I know that the five stages of grieve are 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance and Now I can say that I think am finally at acceptance! 🙂 I don't feel any urge to contact him, regret or anger anymore. I'm still taking it a day at a time to build and sustain my sense of value. I stumbled across your blog a couple of weeks ago. Your messages really hit home for me and really gave/gives me confidence. Thank you!
So glad you're finding that here, Kyla. Welcome and thank you! It's in that final place of acceptance that we find our peace.
My fathers (step dad and biological) loved me but they never were providers and I married the same. My ex husband was not a provider, so I feel like I missed out on that and I look toward to having the right man over my household.
Thank you Jane for yet another beautiful piece, it has however brought tears in my eyes and only because of the way you put things in to perspective.
My father passed away when I was only 9 years old but reading your article and looking back to those first years of my existence I can actually realize that He did the best he could to look after me during those years, He always made sure that I got everything that I needed, we might not have had that close relationship in terms of communication and all and I think it's only because I was still very young to understand anything that was going on at the time, and I'm really grateful for the kind of a father that he was towards me.
Your article has made me realize the things that I never took attention on, it made me realize that had he still be alive he would've done more to show his love towards me, however we can't really blame anyone for his death only God has allowed it to happen, as much as his absence has had a negative impact in my life it gives me comfort to learn that I have a chance to make a positive change in my life, and most of all that I should start living my life for me and never look for validation from anyone elese.
I have started to make some changes in my life as I just enrolled to study on a part time basis while I work on the side it's a bit challenging but at least I'm finally focusing on me and it feels great.
Thank you, Lolly, for your kind words. Yes, focusing on yourself can't help but feel great! I'm so glad this resonated with you and gave you a fresh perspective - and renewed warm memories of you father.
Jane,
I am in tear right now as I read this article of Dad's, so hard to contain the tears that still display the pain I feel of not being able to have the Father and Daughter relationship every little girl wishes for with their Daddy. I am already on my second marriage and many hurtful past relationships that ultimately have the same outcome of me being in the end alone. I understand today a bit of why I seek the wrong men, hoping that they will give me the love that I could never really get from my own Father. I seek from them the same pattern that I had with my Dad. I seeked for his love and acceptance but no matter what I did he just couldn't connect with me or love me back as I so much desired. Now I understand in depth some of the reasons I choose the men that will only hurt me in the end. I am needing more help in this area of healing for myself and learning to love myself with out needing someone to make me feel wanted, loved and needed. That my self love should be enough for me. Please share some books to help me with in this are. Thank you so much for this article it has helped me today.
oh how my heart goes out to you, Sonia. The longing of what we so want from someone incapable of giving it to us can be so painful. Find your peace in accepting what you can't change, instead of fighting it. He did the best he could with what he knew. So many of our fathers were raised in ways that their own needs weren't met so they never learned what it was like to have met needs as children; they only knew to repeat the same. Yes, he could have looked for a different way, he could have found help to show him there was another way to treat his own, but it was so different back then. My Beautiful, Confident, Radiant, You Program speaks to everything you've mentioned here and so much more. If you haven't already checked it out, I invite you to do so. I'm so glad this resonated with you today!
I have the same problem! I would love to know how to do that. But I think Jane said to start believing in ourselves more. I am joining some book groups and getting out more. It's different though, not pining away for a man who isn't 100% on my team, but we are worth men who adore us and move mountains to be with us!!!!
That's exactly what I would say, J.F.! Focus on creating your own full life so that what someone else does or doesn't do can't derail you. The post I recently wrote But I don't want to have to! speaks to exactly this topic, as what so many of us are fighting are our blocks that keep us from seeing a different way or buying into some old programming that says it has to be the way it's always been. It doesn't! We all have this life to make what we want to make of it, we all have a right to choose what we want and what we don't, and when we begin to question whether it's our programming or the way it actually is, a shift begins and our lives can't help but move in directions we could have never otherwise been.
One step at a time is another thing I'll always add to everything I say. We didn't get to where we are overnight, and we can't expect to get to where we want to be in a single step either. Having compassion for ourselves in this growing process is the surest way to get there, loving ourselves through the journey each step of the way.
I'm 37! Will I ever break that pattern of attracring and being attracted to unavailable men? How do you do both? How do you become more emotionally available?
You will, Jamie! It doesn't matter what age you are, we're all on our own unique paths to where we're meant to be. Breaking free from emotionally available men is a post that speaks to your questions. You're not alone, and you're always a beautiful part of this community.
He was very similar to this letter. Friends and family said the bond began the minute he first held me when I was born. We were the best of friends, only I didn't get the wonderful chance of him getting to know my fiancé. He died of stroke when I was only 24. So I use my experience to teach men and women, girls and boys to treasure your family and friends for you don't know how much more time you have with them.
Happy father's day Dad!!! I love and Miss you
Your loving daughter,
Brenda
This is beautiful, Brenda, and so very touching. Thank you for sharing.
My dad was a basically a good person. However, I do not ever remember him saying the words I love you. Also, if I told him that I got a good grade, he would usually say "What did all the other people get. I did not realize until I got older that some parents do say to their childen that they love them. I do feel now at this time in my life that Imwant to find that love mutual between myself and someone.
Those words were missing in so many homes, Bev; how sad that such simple life-changing words can be the hardest for a mother or father to say. Say them to yourself often, and one day you'll find someone saying them to you. You deserve nothing less.
Great post, Jane. I'm 52 and still alone. I use the term "alone" because truthfully I've long given up on the idea of marriage as I cannot fathom the scenario where a man would entertain making a lifetime commitment to me. I do not mean to say that I am not worth it. But apparently I haven't met any eligible men in the last 20 years that want to see me longer than a couple of months, let alone, a lifetime! In fact, most of my dates over the past few years are nothing more than that. We have a date or two and don't even become physically intimate and they still disappear without a trace. But back to your post, I understand that my Dad's behavior towards me was mentally abusive and I'm messed up by it. He dismissed me my entire life. He told me I was stupid and would literally call me a name that he told me meant that I was "nothing!" I was the sweetest little girl who wanted nothing more than to have my dad cherish me and be proud of me. I was a straight A student and a good kid. He would laugh at me and literally walk out of the room if I tried to have a conversation with him. The damage was done and I get that I need to change my thinking. I forgave him many years ago (Meaning I made peace with it for my own sake) he grew kinder the last few years of his life and this helped. He was bi-polar and a recovered alcoholic for many years and his parents were abusive. At least he was not physically abusive as I heard his parents were with him. Anyway, he passed away a couple of years ago and I felt that we were in a much better place before he died so I am grateful for that. But Jane, here's the rub, I Still struggle with my own self worth when it comes to men and keeping romantic relationships. I'm one of those many women out there who know on the surface that they are a catch but actually FEELING that way around eligible men is A different story! I've actually considered hypnosis!! I get what you are saying about selecting the wrong guy subconsciously but I feel like I've also dated men I thought might be different. These nice dates would end and still I would never hear from the guy again. In one case the nice guy emailed me to tell me he really liked me but didn't feel attracted to me. Quite frankly I was hurt and felt especially humiliated because he wasn't even that attractive or fit but I thought his online profile was nice and I should give a nice guy a chance. (Btw, I am attractive and also in good shape. I get mail from twenty something's telling me I'm beautiful, a doll, etc. but I realize they are hoping for a Cougar! I'm not sleazy either. My pics online are cute. I've since gotten off of the online sites because it's awful on my ego! It has become painful lately. Well there I go, off topic, again! my biggest hurdle is the Daddy issue you described. The problem is how do I get my psyche to stop projecting that pathetic little girl? I don't even notice me projecting it so how is it that men even sniff it out? That "worthless little girl" manages to alert these guys somehow. How do I prevent that battered little girl from ruining my romantic life?? Again, should I try hypnosis? I am at a loss. I see people meeting and marrying other people all the time. My friends and family adore me. My married friends and clients are stumped! How could someone as attractive, genuine and warm be alone romantically and alone for so many years? I don't believe that I act needy. I'm a good and intelligent conversationalist. I own my own home and I have a great career. I'm pretty and smart and funny too. I have lots of friends and a wide range of interests. Im exhausted trying to make some sense of it all. Your blog has been the only thing that has resonated with me since I was about 36 and had a phenomenal therapist for about a year. We had a breakthrough session one day where he stopped me in conversation and firmly shouted "stop trying to fix it! You didn't do anything wrong!" I immediately and instinctively replied like a little child asking with absolute innocence, "I didn't?" It was a killer session! Thanks for pushing me to remember it. Any advice, Jane?
Hi Susan
I was about to post my story and then I read yours and it was one I could sincerely relate to in so many ways
Yes, our perception and the story we told ourselves when we were young, about men and relationships will definitely impact the experiences you are having with men
Firstly be very kind and loving to yourself for everything, and start to forgive yourself for not being loving to yourself, for believing that you are not good enough, and for the subconcious belief - how could someone really love me if the knew the real you
Forgive yourself for believing in these thoughts and for giving them so much energy and traction
Life is responding to your thoughts and beliefs, if you believe you are not enough you will continue to attract people and circumstances that feed this story!
How to change the story ?
With a lot and I mean a lot of self love, being compassionate and caring to yourself, by listening to the inner voice, not the critical ego voice but the guidance who will guide you and let you know about what your soul needs to feel nourished and loved!
Let go of the attachment in trying to find someone, start to love yourself Susan and trust me the universe will respond to your higher vibration
I did have subconcious work done and it did help me greatly
But it was only a part to truly learning to accept myself
Its still a process but I am now attracting people who are aligning with my higher purpose and helping me be the very best person I can be
All the best Susan
Blessings Rosy
Ps, thanks Jane for another amazing post !
One book I read a hundred times which really helped me stay grounded especialky around relationships was - in the meantime by iyanla vanzaant
Thank you, Rosy for sharing. It helps to know that there is a way out of the bad place that I naturally go to when i feel down. I am trying to work on my self love and also trying to stop the broken record of critical thoughts in my head. They are only thoughts. I need to swap them out for some Barry White love talk! Btw: I think I have that book you mentioned but I never finished it! I'll have to take a second look. Thanks again for your encouragement, Rosy.
Love that book, Rosy. And thank you so much for sharing!
I am new to this... I thought I would hear from Jane after my first post? Did I miss it? It was a long reply to the Daddy's Little Girl piece and I was kind of emotional about my own experience. I was hoping to hear from Jane and actually asked for her advice. Am I missing it? Yikes. I'm confused and feel stupid for having written all that. Disappointed.
Not you, Susan, I'm the one who missed it. I'm human, too.
Thanks, Jane. I know you must be so busy responding to many of us. I am grateful for your response. I just kept checking to see what you would say. You make so much sense and your "human-ness" comes across as well. Thanks for reminding me of that!
You didn't do anything wrong, Susan. No wonder your therapist's comments resonated so much with you. To hear them from someone else, someone you obviously looked up to, must have been exactly what you needed to hear - they're the words so many of us need to hear! There is nothing for you to fix, in fact, there is never anything wrong with you. There are only the wrong people who make us feel like there is.
Create a new story for yourself, one that you choose, not one that's passed onto you by others who could never know you the way you know yourself. Begin by loving that little girl, by having compassion for her and not thinking of her as "pathetic" or "battered". She's the one who knows all that you can do, all that you are, all that you're capable of, and she's the one who knows you don't need any outside validation outside of you. Whatever route you choose, by accepting that we all do the best we can with what we know at the time, you won't need to fear the "mistakes" we might make along the way. Of everything we go through, it's those "mistakes" that reveal more than anything we think we do perfectly along the way.
Hi Jane, I commented a few months ago after ending a toxic relationship and then shortly after finding a wonderful man.
I always had a good relationship with my father and he was a go between for my mother and I at many times. He was never the knight in shining armor as you described but he was good.
This new man has begun mending my heart. I feel safe with him and recently he has let me know that he knew I was hurt to at the beginning of the relationship. He has given me love and time to trust him. He treats me like a capable princess...(probably very much like my father did). He lets me get on with my own pursuits but is always delighted to see me. It's how it is meant to be. He adores me but doesn't smother me and has the most incredible emotional intelligence without being a wet sap, he's still very much a real man.
I want to thank you for the encouragement and insight that you provide for women. You have been an amazing support and helped me think from alternate perspectives. You bring to light reasons for the ways we may think about issues and this is powerful. Thank you Jane!! X
Thank you for sharing this beautiful part of your new story, Kelly. The comparison is telling, and your story, so very inspiring. It's beautiful to hear real love described like this, and a real man, the very kind we talk about here. You're so very welcome for any part I've played in opening your eyes to something more. It's my privilege and honor. Thank you for being open to seeing this - and refusing to settle for anything less!
Hi Jane,
it was a bit scary to read the comments above.
Now, i thank God more for giving me the most wonderful man ever in my life, my Dad.
my Dad was really my father and best friend to me and to my other siblings.
I still remember my childhood days, the time when my hard-working Dad always tried to spare his lunch time every firday to go swimming or just strolling in the park during his lunch time,
when i was in university and broke up with my 4 year long boyfriend, he cancelled all his classes (by this time he was a lecturer) and drove me all the way to my campus just to be able to lend his ears to listen to my story,
when i miscarried my second child, he was there holding my first daughter's hand, waved at me before i was sent to the operation room whule my husband was still working and couldn't get a permission to be with me,
Now, he is in heaven . My mom and us, his children, were so grateful to ever had a chance to meet such a wonderful man in our life.
Wow, AB. You've been given such a beautiful gift. Thank you for sharing your experiences with such a special man who knew exactly what his daughter needed. It's beautiful.
I never had a dad and my "mother" made it abundantly clear that she didn't love me either. I've been on my own since 11. I've progressed past feeling I NEED a man in my life thanks to there being so many untrustworthy and abusive ones out there. I have one male friend and have made it clear it will never be more than friends. We get along very well. I know he wants more, and just recently he stopped the useless flirtation because I blatantly told him if he couldn't be my friend minus the lustful behavior I'd not associate with him anymore. Of course it would upset me, he's a great guy, just not for me. However, at this time of my life, no guy is great for me.
That's what matters most, Lisa. Not living by someone else's terms, but living in a way that we can live with ourselves. Getting past that need for someone to fill your cup to the desire for what will add to your already full life, is the best way I know to live - and to attract the kind of love you're talking about here.
I knew my dad loved me. But my mom was more in control. But I never remember being close or talking a whole lot. But he was such a good man.
Thanks for sharing, Tina. Sometimes our memories are more about the descriptions we would use to describe the people in our lives, than about our feelings about them. That you knew your dad loved you is a beautiful thing to hold onto.
Thanks again Jane 🙂
Recently I've realised that I've always been seeking my Dad's love and approval. He had an affair with a woman 15 years his junior, around the scary time that I was starting high school, age 12/13.
Nothing was explained to me and my 3 siblings, once my Mum found out. We were just told by my Mum, one day at the kitchen table "Your Dad and me are getting divorced" No explanation and I don't think we even asked any questions. We were sent, every Sunday, out to my Dad's car, where his girlfriend was too, to spend the day with them.
Counselling was never mentioned in those days (1980's) and we just did as we were told, spend time with Dad and his girlfriend. However, there's a "but" here. I'm now 43 years of age and realised I always felt unwanted and rejected by my Dad all my life, because his girlfriend (now wife of 28 years) was the one who got all his attention, even when we spent Sundays with them, he didn't really see us, his 4 young kids, he was so wrapped up in her and obssessed with her and I see now that that's where he was at the time. It's affected me badly though, with my choices of men. My Mum was also emotionally unavailable and I just hope I can choose a healthy man to have a healthy relationship with, some day.
My Dad now attends Al-anon (I've been attending for 10 years) and he is able to talk to me about things in the past, mistakes he's made etc and he can show his emotions which s lovely to experience and we have a lot of laughs. Not all the time, but we understand each other a little better now. He's almost 67 and I'm so grateful he's able to recover from the past. I have a good relationship with my Dad and my Step Mum, and it's nice not holding onto resentment anymore. 🙂
Love
Donna xxx
Thanks for sharing, Donna. I'm hearing freedom in your words - for you, from being able to let go of that resentment that can be our right to have, but that never serves us well in how it affects us more than anyone else. It's a journey. One step at a time, one new way of seeing - or being open to something different - at a time. And you know, it's the same with a relationship with a healthy man. From where so many of us have come, it's a journey there as well. How could it not be?
As I read your article it brought back memories of my dad, he was not a dad, was just a man that I knew. He rejected me from the beginning of my life and never quite accepted me. I tried time and time again to make him accept and love me, but it never came. I find I had kept chase me that rejected me also. Until this last relationship, he rejected me because I was not educated enough, I did not carry a title in front of my name, and I do not make six figures. What I do have is integrity, morals, love, meekness, kindness, longsuffering, peace, and joy, but it was not enough (just like my dad) could not see real me. I hope my dad realized that I was awesome before he died, he died alone in a nursing home, which, if he had not rejected me he could have died with someone taking care of him and loving him until his last day on this earth. The last relationship person, it is his lost, he cannot see it now, because he is with his six figure, title, and educated woman, he will one day. I know his pride will not let him say it out loud, that he is a jerk and lost the best thing he ever had, his heart will. I will continue to be me which is pretty AWESOME!!!!
And what you do have will always be enough for someone who is truly worthy of you, RealDavis! I'm so sorry you had this kind of relationship with your father.
I was reading that and kept thinking "That's just a fantasy" and then I got to the part where you say "Yet, in reality, it's just another fantasy for most of us." Yep, exactly.
Are you also saying that we should imagine that our dad was that kind of dad? Like literally re-writing the script by imagining our childhood was different? I get the acceptance piece. Just not sure about actually imagining that he was this type of dad, that just seems like it's not acknowledging reality.
Accepting what was, what is, and then taking our own power back and giving ourselves what we need -regardless of what we were given - by rewriting that script for who we are now, Sallysue. The script that would have been if he had been what he could have been. The script of what that would have looked like and felt like to us if he had been capable of giving us that. Not for him, but for us. Not because we're living in fantasy, but because we're making this about us, and no longer about him. Acknowledging it first, accepting is next, and then rewriting it the way it would have been if he could have been. Giving ourselves what we most need from him in the process, even if the reality of who he is isn't capable of giving it himself.
I read this today and it brought tears to my eyes. Its exactly what my father was NOT. I dreamed of having fathers like my friends did but I did not. It has played a horrible part with my relationships with men.
How my heart goes out to you, Carol. So many of us feel your pain and can relate so deeply to that dreaming of having what your friends did, that longing that is such a part of a little girl's heart.
On point again, Jane. A book I read recently said that often it's the emotionally unavailable mothers that cause this dynamic within us where we search for the love we felt we couldn't receive from them. So even if we had loving dads, we could still be on that mission based on limitations our moms had. You're the only other person who has ever helped put this dynamic in such good perspective. Thank you!
So true, AJ. It is more than a coincidence that I have found this same pattern in so many of my clients as well; the emotionally unavailable mother paired with the father who was the warm, emotionally available one. I'm so glad this resonated with you!
Sadly, I did not have such a dad. I adore my father and he's a good man. He worked hard to provide food, shelter, education and clothing. He was responsible. Rarely drank, no night outs with friends, in dqct
In fact not a lot of close friends. He was somehow charismatic and good with words.
He always made sure to discipline me, he didn't want me to spin out of control whatever that meant, just like my grandfather was.
I remember him usually in a bad mood, whenever I didn't do what he thought I should do. I adored him so much but I was dead scared of him. My whole childhood was spent in fear of doing something wrong. I was a well behaved kid, paralyzed at the thought of being like other kids, even when he wasn't around I was too well behaved. Basically I believed everything he said. Teenage years came and I started to feel his being unreasonably unfair. I tried to reason with him but we always ended up fighting. Horrible things would come out of his mouth. I was so scared and always felt guilty.
All I can remember now is him telling me how everything I think and feel is wrong, I couldn't cry in front of him and I wasn't allowed to be angry. I wasn't allowed to be a kid, I wasn't allowed to be a teen, I wasn't allowed to have opinions that differed, I wasn't allowed to be human.
I'm almost 30 now and it's the first time I see all of this clearly.
I love my father, but I somehow resent him even though I'm trying to let it go. I feel sometimes bad about it because I know he didn't mean to hurt me and he wasn't even aware of how shitty this all was. He didn't know any better and he had a crappy childhood as well. I know it's nobody's fault, but it still hurts deeply.
I hope I can one day not hurt over any of this.
The only thing I'm coming to terms with now is that he'll never accept me for who I am, he'll never see me and I'll never live up to his expectations of what a woman should be or the daughter he wanted.
Life is sadly not like in movies, we just have to move on.
I will always love my father and I'll keep in mind his very good qualities, but when it comes to my search for love, I give up on what I've known. I still don't know if there's anything different out there for me, I struggle still, but I take solace in knowing I have me, I have my found pieces of wisdom and I know I'll manage to do something with them. It may not be the life I dreamed, but I hope it's at least free of drama and heartache and feeling that I'm not good enough for anyone.
Keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other and stopping to smell the roses.
Your words brought tears to my eyes, Angel. This is so the opposite of how we are meant to be loved by this first love of a little girl. No, we can't change the past, we can't change who they were and what they didn't know, but we can slowly but surely over time learn to shake off what wasn't true - and still isn't true - that they taught us about love and being loveable and good enough, and give them back figuratively what was never ours to own.
While there will always be a part of us that longs for the love and approval from our fathers of all that we are and all that we've become, we free ourselves when we accept his limits and remember our own limitlessness. It's not that we let him off the hook, but it's that we accept that we will always love and long for our daddy's while creating our own boundaries around how deeply we allow him to affect who we are today. Allow him to be as human as you yourself never felt you could be, and it will help you more than you know. The life you dream will still be yours in spite of - or because of - what you have known.
Thank you, Jane for being there. I am grateful to have had my dad, I know I'm lucky to have him and without his being there God knows where I would be now. It's just the emotional aspect that was completely shut down and it has made it so difficult for me to even forge friendships. That's something I hadn't noticed either. It's not his fault. It's my turn to clean up the mess, that's all.... Some days are just so hard. But I'm glad there's this corner where I can share what's really going on inside me. It's a good outlet for me.
My father was cold, detached, uncaring, intimidating. No wonder my relationship with men have been disastrous. Thanks Dad for setting me up for a life of pain and rejection. Give yourself a pat on the back for being an arsehole
I'm so sorry, Fee. I hope you can one day take your own power back and give yourself what you so long for so that someone truly worthy of you will see how you treat someone as worthy of true love as you. You deserve so much more. Not from the father yours couldn't be, nor from the men who can't be, there is someone else that will be, no matter how hard it is to see that possibility right now.
hi Jane.my dad was emotionally unavailable. He was a raging alcoholic and nobody was really available for me so I coped by eating sugar and as an adult becoming an alcoholic myself. I've been in recovery now for some time, and I still chase those emotionally unavailable men. My ex husband and my ex partner where men who were completely unable to love me. But I wanted them anyway. I have not had a man in my life for over 6 years, and I'm really scared, they actually find myself drawn to someone who is equally unavailable. And I cannot seem to stop communicating with him, although I told him that our relationship has no integrity. I don't know what to do about my love life, other than to just give it over to God. Jane I love your articles and I find them very encouraging thank you for everything Jil
Be so proud of yourself for breaking this cycle of alcoholism in your own life, J.F. It takes courage and strength to change that - and you have! I can't say enough about what happens when we have a love affair with ourselves. When you come to love who you are, when you can hold yourself in your arms and treasure what you find there, you become so clear on what you will and will not allow to come into your life. Take everything slow with anyone, don't rush in, take your time, focus on character more than anything else and don't ignore any red signs that you see. I'm so glad these articles are encouraging to you; this is exactly why I'm here. And thank you for your very kind words!