Why do we do the chasing at all? Why are we still chasing him? Why can't we seem to stop, no matter how much we know we should?
Because we're scared.
If we don't chase him, we're scared he won't chase us. And then at least this way, we can feel in control, like we're actually doing something.
But there's a problem with this kind of thinking. Because when we do this, we don't allow him to do what he's biologically programmed to do (what he actually wants to do) – chase you!
We miss this part because of our own fear. We don't give him a chance to chase us because we're not sure he will.
In our heart of hearts we intuitively know that if we don't chase him, he won't. And then the truth will be clear: we're not enough for him. We're not worth it.
That's our story.
And it's the fear of that revelation that keeps us doing what we've gotten so used to doing: chasing him. From where we stand, this is all so very personal.
But if this is all about our fear that he won't chase us if we stop, what's underneath that fear? If you look even closer, there's something more here. More than the fear that he won't pick up the slack and chase you.
Instead, it's about you being worth enough to him to chase you. Your worth. You're assigning it to him.
Do you really want him if you have to chase him? Or has this simply become such a habit buying into the false belief that the only way to be with someone is by convincing him of your worth?
If you've given him enough reason to tell that you're interested in him, then leave the rest to him. Show him your beautiful, interested self simply by being that beautiful, confident woman who knows her own worth - for herself. If he makes a move toward you, then you know. And if he doesn't, then you know that much more, too.
So let him.
Let him be who he is. Let him do what he wants to. That's what he's going to do anyway; how much better you'll feel if you allow him to.
Let him do what he wants to do. What he's hardwired to do.
You role isn't to convince him of your worth; it's to be yourself and see who shows up, who wants to know more, who wants to get to know you better.
The ones who don't respond, let them go. They're not the ones you're meant to be with.
The ones who do respond? Get to know them better. Find out more about them. Take things slow enough for you to find out what's really there – and what's not.
This is how you find out. This is how you find out more about whether someone who initially seemed like they had so much to offer you really does.
Focus on the process of getting to know someone better, not the outcome. I used to believe that I could know right away if someone was compatible with me. I thought I knew what love was, but I didn't. I didn't have a clue.
You're worth so much more than some fairy tale view of love. You're worth the real thing - the kind that only time will reveal.
Jane, i don't even know how it feels like to be chased. Everyone says i am so intimidating and defensive against guys and apparently it is true. I can see that men can't be comfortable with me. I don't have any male friends too for the same reason. I learned the importance of setting boundaries and i don't want to be a doormat, that's why i am that way. But i have to initiate contact all the time because men are too ''scared''. Needless to say, they never chased me back. How can i learn to set boundaries without being too harsh and scary?
You don't need someone to chase you. You need someone who sees you in all your humanity and who simply reciprocated your efforts when you reach out. Healthy interactions are not about chasing. They are about mutual respect and interest. Why would you even want a man who is "intimidated" by you? A guy like that does not sound like a great fit. You can be you. Who you honestly are. No apologies. If you feel you could learn to be softer for yourself, not for some guy, then you can practice. But don't make the lack of a guy some sort of measuring stick. Real relationships require real people. Healthy people don't "chase" others. They see people as they are and decide for themselves if they can be a match.
You could try and look at where your fear of becoming a doormat comes from and understand yourself better. Once you understand it, you can think of ways to remind yourself you are always in control and it's about you, not about the guy. I hope this helps somehow. There's nothing wrong with you. Finding a good match is just luck. It's not always so easy.
Thanks Angel for your response. I want to be softer for myself, because it makes communication so much easier with men. I sometimes build very high walls around myself. Maybe it is a defense mechanism i developed to not get hurt. I set boundaries but in a very intimidating way. ( I don't know what is the right way to do that). Maybe chase was a wrong word, i have never met a guy who initiate contact, make an effort to be with me because they probably assume i will reject them harshly. So since i was interested in them too, i had to do all the work.
You are right, i don't want a guy who is intimidated by me. I also don't need someone to chase me, but i want to be with someone who shows his interest to me. And i also believe it is not just about luck, it is about our energy. That's why i want to improve that part of me.
My gosh its funny that you've made me realise that I have been doing the chasing alot, without realising. For example I was devastated when I found out this guy that id net with twice, had ex issues that weren't dealt with, he didn't want to see me until it was sorted, but I pursued for a few extra days I hoping he'd pick me over his ex... I gave up after those few days and had not heard from him for a few weeks... Until yesterday where he tells me hes sorted his problems and feels like hes missed his opportunity with me and how great I am.... There's a problem though huge one.... I met a guy straight after him (thinking id never hear from him again obviously) now this new guy and I are perfect for each other in every way! Bar one! I have two kids, hes not sure hes ready fir kids right now and not sure if he ever will be. We tried being friends but were so affectionate that we cant keep our hands from each other, hes great with my kids (makes it all the more hard) I've been in many abusive relationships and this guy is absolutely the most amazing thing I've laid my eyes on (other than my kids obviously) PERFECT is the only way I can describe him. Currently we've agreed to cool it to let him think about the kids thing, so we text less than usual (I was clouding his vision of the over all picture, of being a step dad etc) it is killing me not being able to talk to him all day, but I know he needs to do this for both of us. I dont want to fully cut contact because I have so many feelings for him. Do you think just message in in the arvo before bed will still cloud his judgments? Should I cut contact and wait several months for a possible contact? (I'm really impatient so that would be so hard) I dont know what to do I'm slightly heart broken thinking that last weekend was possibly the last time ill ever see him. I dont want that, neither does he, its just hes not clear on being a step dad. I feel we could be so happy together so I don't want to throw that away at all given my past. help
This is SO timely as I spent last night "chasing him" and feeling out of control. I realized I was being triggered by my ex-husbands infidelity and the fear of rejection was showing it's ugly head. I needed this AT THIS VERY MOMENT! We are worth someone wanting to be with us, not out of desperation but out of love. Thanks for the reminder. I will continue to do "my work".
Peace
I like you
Tumahri hr ek bat bewfai ki kahani he...
Lekin teri hr sans meri jindgi ki nishani he...
Tum aaj tk samjh na sake mere pyar ko...
Isliye, mere aansu bhi tere liye pani he.
It started with him chasing me !!! Somewhere's down the road , it turned around .... to me chasing him . Now what ?
Everything Jane wrote in this article is me. I finally found a man I want and I'm scaring him away by wanting to know if he's using me, what are his true feelings? I finally realized what I was doing and hope it's not too late to keep him and rekindle what we had because it was magical. I am trying so hard not to text him about anything for at least 3 days since I told him if he wanted to leave me then pick up his dog. Long story short we were going to talk, but he caught me eating and said he would call back and never did. He was nice though. I later text and said I guess I got my answer, which I forgot he was to pick up his dog if not interested in me, not to not text. So I thought we broke up and of course I thought of all our times together and that he was showing he cared about. So I told him I had learned so much and thanked him. He texted me late Sunday, two days later, and said he was at the cabin with his parents. I texted back and haven't heard from him sense, but I do have his puppy, hoping he isn't leaving me with him. I'm a nervous wreck, but have been kept busy and soon starting a new job. I figure me not texting him might show him that I am trying to change and let him be in control and that I'm not needy. We have been dating for six months, that's why I wanted to know where his heart was. I figure it's long enough to know.
Thanks Jane for all your info it really helps.
Brenda
I can't help but think that I've chased a lot of men away from me. Usually, I feel anxiety/fear thinking that I need to do something to get a man interested or keep him interewsted! I guess it has backfired on many occasions! How do I get rid of that fear so I don't drive men away?
By remembering all that you are and all that you have to offer someone who is truly deserving of you, Jamie. Whenever we feel that we have to do or be something other than our true selves, that's either a sign that we need to create more of a life for ourselves so we can naturally feel better about who we are, or that we're trying too hard for the wrong people. Rest assured that you can't drive the right ones away, but you can attract the ones who are going to play into that fear/anxiety you're experiencing right now. Find some healthy outlets for that anxiety/fear so that you can be your best beautiful, confident, radiant self with the ones you want to feel that way around. If you feel the need to be anything other than yourself with someone, trust yourself; that's a red flag we all too often ignore!
Hi,
I also have this on an off anxiety/fear as well as wanting to be accepted as who I am. (This comes from my past and sadly, choosing wrong men who are not relationship material)
The way I now try to give myself a confident boost or peace was to put a note on my fridge with a magnet that says: Don't worry, Do things one step at a time, and Love yourself.
Just totally believe that you are a total sexbomb, and accept the fear, but also ignore it. I'm 10kg overweight, 46, divorced, I've had a hysterectomy, I have cellulite, and I have men running after me ALL THE TIME (I live in France, and French men are just the BEST!). I also smile and laugh really easily, have a job I love and lots of friends, and I drive alone to Spain and back on a regular basis. I never EVER text first, but always promptly text back. I can cook and I have a cute flat and lots of books and I belong to a cinema club. I basically practise what French women practise: I KEEP A COOL HEAD AND HIDE MY FEELINGS as long as possible. And I love sex. But I am also sincere in my compliments, and passionate, and I mentally am prepared to walk away fast at the first sign of his cooling off, because if he's really into me, he'll be in touch quickly.
You have to set yourselves rules, and STICK TO THEM, however painful it is. I let myself be upset around friends, but I NEVER SHOW IT TO THE MAN CONCERNED. Also, I buy silk underwear and show off my best assets. Don't hold back on showing your passion, and be happy to see the guy, and NEVER EVER put yourself down or tell him stories about other men who may have mistreated you: it is an open ticket for him mistreating you. Fake it until you make it.
If a man doesn't get in touch really quickly after a date (here in France it's minutes after you leave each other, to arrange another date) then don't bother to get in touch with him. I would rather walk over hot coals than text a man after a date. I've not had a single date where a man didn't want to see me again. Because I know they want to sleep with me, and I know that I am intelligent too and my conversation is good.
Basically, you have to learn to *give less of a shit*, and think, "ya win some, ya lose some". And REALLY you have to think, "It's YOUR loss buster." Hope that helps!
Wow, this post came at the right time in my life. I've been struggling with the relationship with my boyfriend (We've been together for just over a year) and came to the realization yesterday that i feel he is stringing me along and i'm the one doing the chasing. I really am and it's hard to change. I want to message him, when i want to message him and i want to see him when i want to see him. He doesn't suggest getting together usually, i am the one that always requests to see each other and sadly 50% of the time he says no. I feel like he controls the relationship and it really bothers me.
Your post gave me a little comfort and made me realize that i really do have fear that if i stop chasing, then the relationship will be over and that would be mean that he doesn't think i'm worth it. It's a sad realization because i do love him...i think? I'm so confused. I have struggled with my own self love so any relationship i get myself into seems to be for validation that i am worth something. My current boyfriend struggles with his own self love and has a few issues- so the two of us together is probably not the best mix. I had hoped that we could help eachother but i'm losing hope and it makes me sad.
Help both of you, Teresa, by filling your own cup with more than just him, but with your interests, your passions, your dreams, your life. That's where you'll both naturally find the self-love that can only come by living like you're worth all the love and happiness in the world! You'll inspire him to do the same and find out more of what the two of you might actually have while discovering more about that beautiful woman known as you. When you put the focus on you and your own life and what makes you happy, you allow him to be free to do the same - and come back to you with an initiative that shows just how much he wants to be with you - or not. Then you'll know so much more - about him, and most importantly, about you.
Hi Jane,
I am glad that you asked. In the past I have definitely put myself out there by sending pics of myself, quotes and cute little sayings to try and impress a guy but now I do things a little differently. I may start off doing those things but after a few conversations and a week or two goes by, if things don't seem recipricol, I start to pull back. The bottom line is men like what they like and if they like you, they will chase you. No questions asked! They may even apologize to you if they seem to be coming on too strong..LOL.
I have learned not to let myself get hung up too quicklyon a guy and not to take it personal if a guy doesn't like me after all. Men have a lot of options. They say they like you but they are sometimes easily distracted by the next beauty that comes along. I try not to take it personal and tell myself that he is just not the one for me..end of story! I know there is nothing wrong with me but I also know there are alot of women out there just like myself, so the competition is fierce.
However, when I meet the right one, I won't be competing with anyone. He will adore me from the start and I won't have any need to chase him and neither will you.
This is so true, Crystal. When we're with someone who isn't on the same page, who isn't truly looking for the essence of who we are, it seems like the competition is fierce. But whenever we feel that way, that's our sign that we need to come back to ourselves and remember who we are and all we have to offer. We shine by being ourselves, we stand out from any and all competition by being ourselves, and the way he finds us is by being true to that beautiful, confident, radiant woman known as you!
On 13 Nov 2013 I think I was too needy with my crush n I can relate to this topic, I always wanted more than just friends with my crush back at the time n he ended the friendship on 4 Feb 2014 n felt I scared him away
So I left him alone & 3 weeks ago I found out he was on Words With Friends n I got tempted to play with him n when I saw my crush's picture I thought that photo I've seen b4 so today I guessed his username n I was right n he accepted a game.
Idk what to do with my crush if he played with me n the friendship comes back. 1 thing I won't do is chase him n do better on my 2nd chance of friendship :). If he asked me out I will dump my BF n go to my crush.
That says a lot about how you really feel about your BF, Courtney. Your crush is the fantasy, your current boyfriend is reality. If this isn't the reality you want, change that reality, not the fantasy that is anything but real.
Your comment regarding that we should take the time to get to know someone instead of jumping to the fairytale ending needs to be taught to us as we enter our pre- pubescent years. This skill seems as important if not more so than balancing a checkbook. Thank you so much for all that you offer us.
Exactly, Dlw! I never knew this part either when I needed to the most. It seems so obvious now, but at the time, when all our subconscious programming has us focusing only on that fairtyale ending, it's anything but. I'm so glad this resonated so much with you - and thank you for your kind words.
I don't usually find myself doing the chasing. Never have. I actually have been married twice and both times the men sought me out and within a year we were married. The first was when I was only 20 and he was young so that didn't last. The second was a 20 year relationship. I met him when he was in the military and that relationship ended when he got out of the Army and would not be a provider to his family. I helped as much as could and after 12 years of trying to logic him into taking care of his family I gave up. Now I am 42 and out in this new dating world and it sucks. I didn't start dating until 3 years after my divorce because I wanted to make sure I was ready. I have been seeing this guy for 6 months and although I am not chasing him he is nowhere near like the men I have been with in the past. He is moving very slowly, which is fine, but sometimes he exhibits contradictory behavior. One minute he is doing relationship things and the next he is saying he wants to single. So I have taken 3 steps back. I don't call, text nor invite him places he has been doing the pursuing these days but all efforts are lackluster. At this point I am trying to figure out if I even like him or just the potential of what I want him to be. Anyway....I am carrying on with life none-the-less.
"At this point I am trying to figure out if I even like him or just the potential of what I want him to be." - That you're asking yourself this question is huge, Melissa. You're the one doing the choosing here - this needs to work for you. As confused as he may be about exactly what he wants, it's his consistent actions over time that will tell you the most about where he stands.
Wow, every time you write, it describes my life, thoughts & my relationship. And it's usually about what I've been thinkn, feeling & exact conversations I have w/my BF. What's crazier is, usually it's the next day I'll read one of these & it's like u wrote my exact conversation! You are absolutey right w/ what u say about chasing. I know I shouldn't do it & although I do my best not to, it still happens. It's funny, cuz almost every day I tell him to do what he wants, not something that I want, but I want him to do what he feels is right cuz that's only way I'll know where I really stand w/him. It's in his decisions & actions that over time, will tell me more about what he wants in a relationship since he can't tell me. Actions really DO speak louder than words. I totally agree, yet I refuse to accept my bfs actions, or lack there of, that keep telling me he's not on the same page. I dnt get it. I have to admit that after reading ur emails, i'm so blown away w/how u basically explain what I think, feel & experience Daily, that I read them to my bf & tell him how this relates to us exactly. He listens but doesn't agree. But I can tell, he just doesn't want to admit the truth. I liked how u say to go slow, get to know someone better to see if they really are interested & if there's more. But is this possible to do if you've been w/someone for 2 years or is this mostly for in the beginning of a relationship? It makes sense & I've always been afraid that if I don't show him my worth & keep chasing him, in a way, that if I left one day, he wouldn't chase me. He might, but his actions on a daily basis really tell a lot & leads me to believe he would be fine w/out me. Which is good, I guess, cuz I want him to want me & put in more effort to show he cares. And the more I leave it up to him, the worse I feel cuz it's so obvious he doesn't think of me in his future. I know better than this, I deserve better & that there's more to life & love than what im getting. Which is nothing. I keep ignoring it, hoping I'm wrong & he will figure it out. So I back off as much as I can from time to time to let him show me that I'm what he wants, but it only goes so far. Not far enough. I dont want to chase anymore, but I feel it's too late, that ive chased too much for it to ever be different. & maybe I'm crazy for thinkn it will or can change. Maybe I should be hoping for the courage to walk away instead of it working out. But I'm afraid I'll stay no matter how terrible it feels for what reason I just can't figure out...
I'm so glad these emails are resonating with you! Let him fall in love with you so that he's motivated to chase you, Danielle. Yes, even after 2 years! A woman who knows her worth, who pursues her own life passions and doesn't defer to anyone else except her own inner spark for life is as attractive - and desirable as we're meant to be. You don't want him to chase you after you leave; you want him to be chasing you while you're with him.
It's never too late when you remember the essence of who you are, of what you have to offer, and of all that you are for someone who is on the same page as you - and if he's truly someone for you. You're always in control here of what you do and what you don't - remember that. There's nothing to fear in love.
This message makes perfect sense!!!! Need I say more???? No!!!!!
So glad this resonated with you, Bee.