One of our beautiful friends, Jessa, has recently gone through a break up after a six year relationship with her ex boyfriend. She now finds herself utterly heartbroken, but not over him.
Here's her story:
Dear Jane,
My name is Jessa and I have quite the complicated situation going on.
It's really tearing me apart and I'm not sure what the next step is.
I recently broke it off with someone I had been in a relationship with for almost 6 years. I actually feel good about the situation - it was a long time coming and even though he was a great guy I knew we were not right for each other.
My issue is - I am heartbroken, but not over him.
I never cheated on him, but I did emotionally fall for someone else. For the past two years I have had a serious crush and it happened to be on one of his old college buddies. I met this person, X, through my boyfriend. I started having feelings for him almost immediately, and tried to reign it in, coach myself out of it.
But the feelings only grew.
Then I moved across the country with my boyfriend and, while I still had feelings for this person, I didn't have any expectations because we no longer lived in the same area and I was obviously in a relationship, but I still thought about him a lot. Then, he moved back to the east coast and made plans with my boyfriends good friend, (also his friend) to come visit together.
When he came to visit, I told myself he would not seem interested, that I should not expect anything. However that was not the case. We had a strong connection and I can't really explain it. We had a lot in common and I just felt this gut feeling around him.
This was again proved true when we (my boyfriend and I) visited him a few months later where he lived. We all went out, but X and I were the ones talking. He would ask me questions about my life, play my favorite music whenever I was around and I just wanted to be around him.
After this trip I was devastated because of how real my feelings were for him. I was with my boyfriend and told myself this cannot EVER happen. I can't even believe this while I write, that I was visiting him with the boyfriend and feeling all of these things. Just makes me realize it was such a ridiculous situation.
To try to make this slightly shorter than the very long post it already is… about a year later (after I thought about X every day and certainly began to have expectations/hopes that we would have a chance to get to know each other...) - my boyfriend and I mutually broke it off.
It had gotten bad, not only because of my secret feelings for someone else, but because we did not work on a very fundamental level.
We didn't accept each other, adore each other, we both lost the interest to even try to make it work. We probably stayed together years longer than we should have just because we were both bad communicators and also understanding people at the same time.
It was a recipe for limbo.
So after this rather intense break up, I have to admit I had hope that maybe X would come around. It was very black and white in my head and I thought - if he really has feelings for me, he will come around. But then I see online, 4 weeks after my break up, that X had started dating someone. And it was obvious it wasn't a brand new relationship.
I was absolutely heart broken.
A few weeks ago (now four months after the break up, and I hadn't reached out or talked to X at all in about a year), I texted him about a concert, hoping to open the lines for communication. He texted back and asked about the concert.. I said it was awesome or whatever.. but then that was it.
I have been looking at this text as my "answer".
That if he were interested, he would have at least continued the conversation. So this is very painful to come to terms with. Although I do also realize I did not reach out to him for over a year, I was always in a relationship and completely unavailable, and after we visited him and my feelings became so real, I still stayed with my boyfriend for another year.
And we don't live in the same city.
So I guess I do feel like I expected too much. I really go back and forth between these two ideas. The "if he's into you he will call" vs "no, no, its much more complicated than that and you were never an option, you were off limits".
So now all I have to work with is - he is dating someone and he is most likely no longer interested.
What do you think? Should I text one last time, sharing my real feelings, making it obvious that I don't want him to become a stranger? That I would love to stay in touch?
This would be to see if he reciprocates, and if he does not, I can move on. Or I can just move on now, as he is now in a relationship with someone, but then I would always wonder.
So - do you think it's possible he still has feelings for me?
Is he not reaching out because I am the ex girlfriend of his college friend? I realize that does not make me much of an option. But they are not very close and I tell myself, this kind of screwed up situation happens all the time. People get together all the time that "aren't supposed to". And if he really wanted to be with me, it wouldn't matter.
I'm just lost and in a lot of pain because I had real feelings for him, felt a connection and had hopes and expectations for the future. Even though it wasn't right and even though I do feel guilt about it.
I know I can't expect him to just whip around and be in my life with all of this complexity. Honestly a lot of people would be like "you've got to be kidding me" if we started dating.
So I guess it is not really in the cards for us?
I've obviously overanalyzed this to the maximum and am really ready to make a decision so I can quiet my head and move on for good. Either text him being honest about my feelings and get my answer, or move on now.
I feel like an outsiders perspective or opinion would be hugely helpful. Please let me know if you have any thoughts. And apologies for the longest question ever.
- Jessa
My Response:
So many unanswered questions, Jessa, and so many opportunities to over analyze and second guess yourself as to what might be and what could be.
And then you have the reality of what is.
You have no way of knowing for sure what he’s thinking and where he’s at unless you come right out and tell him where you’re at and what you’d like to know from him.
The bigger question is, are you ready for that? Are you OK putting that out there not knowing that his response may not be what you're hoping for?
You’re absolutely right that it comes down to two clear options: “Either text him being honest about my feelings and get my answer, or move on now.”
It’s the dilemma almost every single one of us has come face to face with at one time or another.
And yet, if you listen to your gut instincts, you most likely do know.
Because someone who's really interested will certainly be looking for signs of an opening like the one you provided by initiating contact with him, and however small and insignificant it might have seemed, it would have been something for him to notice if he was ready and looking for some indication.
But I also know that even if we’re 99% sure that we know the answer, it’s that tiny chance that we missed something, that he might be just waiting for one more thing from us, that can make wrecks out of even the most confident of us!
So, Jessa, I say to you what I finally learned to say to myself first and now to anyone else who is at that crossroads between becoming more vulnerable in their need to “just know”, and knowing enough to move on – you have to do what you need to do for you.
Can you handle the feeling of “rejection” from him if you get that kind of response? Can you not take it personally (because it never is!)? Or will that have more of a detrimental effect on you than this no man’s land you’re feeling stuck in now?
Above all else, this is about you, not him.
You have to do what brings you back to the centered place within yourself where you have a sense of peace and calm about what is, where you can move forward without regrets, without looking back and wondering "if only" or "what if?".
Do what you need to do to really live! To get on with your life!
To create a life that you’re happy with, that brings you joy and peace and calm and confidence in you. Get what you need to get from him if he’s willing to give it to you, but don’t base your sense of worth on what his response is, regardless of what it is.
You don’t need someone to validate you to tell you what you already know. Regardless of where you've been or what you've gone through – or the guilt you carry for all the past regrets you can come up with to shame yourself with – let it be enough.
There is no right or wrong answer. There is no right or wrong decision. There is only what is, and what that looks like is already there right this moment in his situation, in his status, in the page he’s on, in where he’s at. Saying or doing something to move in his direction only fills in the blank for you, or makes it more real by having it revealed in a way that you can understand right there in front of you.
But it won’t change what is already there or what isn't.
For me personally, I know that feeling of angst all too well, of being in limbo over someone who there was never any question of what his feelings weren't except in my own mind.
That’s where your power lies, within yourself.
But to get there, you have to do what you need to do to bring you to that place. And so, if you can’t move on without that missing piece from him, find out for yourself.
Don't do it for him. Don't do it for what could be. Do it for how it allows you to finally be free!
Love,
Jane
It’s quite a dilemma for many of us to risk putting ourselves out there versus the benefit of finally knowing for sure. What do you think Jessa should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with her in the comments!
Hi Jane! I wish I knew what to say? I can't even get over my own relationship.. I just sent him a text after 5 weeks. He probably won't even answer me. I made it to this point without doing anything. But the. I start to fall apart again. So I broke down and texted. Why is so hard?? I still feel like if we could just talk face to face..he would see differently. But he is dating someone now. So I have no chance to even doing anything? I want him to see that things have changed and I have a more positive direction now. The last time we were together everything was so negative.. I have a new place & job now. I don't have to be so dependent on him. That is where everything started to fall apart for us. But how will I ever get to show him, if we don't talk anymore. I really miss him and just want another chance..
Is that really wrong to want that? Has he just forgotten me because is now dating someone new? Will I ever feel differently and not want him back? My feelings haven't changed? How did his so fast? Even though the last time we talked he said that he really does like me. He just couldn't make me happy. He said I always wanted more. I just wanted a normal relationship. Not just when he wanted it. But a Mutual Relationship!!
Please tell how to get through this? I don't want to feel this way anymore..
Thank you
Sadly Alone..
There's never anything wrong with being so beautifully human, Pammy. You didn't "break down" by texting him. You did what you needed to do for you. You want so badly to get a chance to show him you've changed, but why? Ask yourself why. If that last time you were together was so negative, it was as much about him as about you. You can't bear the sole responsibility for this relationship. It's not yours to take on. It always takes two! You don't "get" to show him or not show him. If he was worth showing, there'd be something of him here. And there's just you.
There's nothing wrong with wanting this, with wanting the chance to show him what he's missing and how much you've changed. He's dating someone new because he was never there with you the way you were with him. It's not good or bad, it's not right or wrong, it just is. He did it so fast because that's how unable he is to be deeply involved with someone and give of himself emotionally so that there is something to feel that can't just be moved on from so quickly. He said you always wanted more because he knew he couldn't give it to you. That didn't mean there was or is anything wrong with you, it means you are two different people on different pages and a real relationship needs at least that. You deserve nothing less than a mutual relationship, but trying to be enough or become enough for someone to want that, too, isn't how you get that.
I suspect you're having such a hard time moving on because of how unfair it seems, that he can move on like this without you while you still feel so much for him. Start by allowing yourself to feel each and every one of your feelings as they come up, accepting them and loving yourself through this for being so beautifully human and in touch with your pain. It's not personal. It's not about something you had to change about yourself, it's not that you had to no longer be so dependent on him. It's that he triggered those feelings in you, it's that there was something else going on with him throughout this that had everything to do with him and absolutely nothing to do with you.
Take him down off that pedestal, Pammy. Take your own power back. You've given so much of it away to someone who isn't capable of giving you what you're looking for. Don't make it all about having him, keeping him, getting him back. Make this about you growing, becoming comfortable in your own skin, learning more about where you belong and where you don't. You're not here to make anyone love you. And you can never be too much or not enough for someone who is truly right for you.
Jessa you are not alone on this one.
Putting what has been played in our minds like a broken record out there is a way forward. Worse is when the process dose not out run the purpose. I can identify with Jessa's situation. Gab has spelt it out in a few words. If we have to ask, then something is wrong. I asked what I already knew just too well. Why the need to be told what one already knows!?
Ciru
I always call this a fantasy relationship. I've been in this situation where the guy gives you mixed signals. Best to move on here. From my experience in dating a man will always let you know if he wants to be with you. Even if you say no to a man he will sometimes keep trying.
Free yourself so that you can be emmotionally available fot the right man one who makes his intentions clear to you.
Thanks for sharing your own experience here, Gab.
As I read this letter the thoughts came to my head.....You will never know who a person feels unless you ask, when asking make sure you are ready for the answer good or bad. Jessa you are driving yourself crazy back and forth. What I have learned that sometimes what appeals on the outside is sometimes different on the inside!! A wise woman told me that along time ago!!! Let us know what you decided to do!!! 🙂
If you have to ask, something is wrong.
I asked. And the answer would not be surprising to any objective observer. I missed that message completely.
So true, Wayne. And as for "the answer would not be surprising to any objective observer", when we're in it, very few of us are objective observers.
Dear Jessa,
I would suggest that, as per Jane's advice, you call him out on this supposed mixed signals or feelings of ambiguity he's sending off to you once and for all so that you can gladly move on to greener pastures from there. Although I understand it's easier said than done to get over someone whom you've had such a strong connection from the very beginning.
If it's any consolation, I was once in your shoes and I believe that I owe it to myself that I deserved an clear-cut answer from this guy whom I was in a flirtationship with for 1 year or so -- whether or not he's ready to take our friendship to the next level, given at that point in time I liked him more than just a friend. Well, as it turns out, he said to me one day during dinner together, " I don't ever want to be in a relationship." There, you have it, the answer to my burning question. Since then, I kept a distance away from him, even though he still suggested making dinner plans with him every now and then. And obviously, I declined and even deleted his mobile number.
So, Jessa, if you really are looking to put an end to this so-called mentally challenging life chapter of yours before you start questioning yourself with a bucket load of what might be and could be, I suggest that you reach out to him for the very last time and, for lack of a better word, demand that the man be upfront and honest of his feelings towards you, be it a platonic one or prospective romantic partner in a relationship.
I wish you all the best and pray that, no matter what the outcome is at the end of the day, we all deserve to love and be loved without reservations by that special someone out there for each and every one of us! 🙂
Adele good advice!!!
Beautifully said, Adele. Thank you for your words, from your own experience, it sounds like you understand so much where Jessa's coming from.
Thanks, Jane. And yes, to a certain degree, I can safely say I was standing at the crossroads of love, where Jessa is now, about six months ago and it certainly wasn't easy to pick up the pieces thereafter.
It never is, Adele; I so hear you.
I would cancel the thought being that is his good friend and if he was interested in me he would of made it known. I wouldn't want to put myself out there and get turned down. My personal feelings.
So nice to hear your thoughts here, Vanessa. Thank you.
the fact is, X will still be a friend to your ex boyfriend and i don't see anything else on him non other than using you ... unless his feelings were meant for you, than that way it will work out !! but if it was me i would either choose to move on until the right man will show up or else i will try to fix my six year relationship. because to my side six years its not a joke, nowadays relations only last for not more than a year.... think about it over and over again. all the best
Thank you for this, Victoria. All of your perspectives help!
Your life has been about these men for too long dear, you are so much than you think. God created woman and said who ever findeth her findeth a Good thing.. someone who knows your worth is out there. being strong and happy as a person is the FIRST STEP TO FULFILLMENT.
"You are so much more than you think" - So true, Abechi. We always are!
The short answer would be : " X has seduced you when you were a gf of his best friend. He is sort of a bad guy in a nice kind of way though. But he has done nothing to deserve to be a bf. When he was getting close to you it was only because you were already taken and unavailable. He never really considered you for a role of his gf." A bummer, I know, but the good news is X is not the last man in this world. There is another villion of them to concider. Perhapse there are other guys quite similar to him, and quite possible even much better then him. Start dating those other guys and you will look down on your silly crush on X in no time.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with Jessa here, Nina. It all helps!
Jessa------Please take courage and find out what is going on with guy you are interested in now. If he is not currently interested in you, you certainly can wish him well. Don't burn any bridges with him though and go on with your life. Also, you never know what might happen with you and him in the future, but in no circumstances put your life on hold waiting for him to change his intent for you.
Through the 6 year relationship you have developed insight and skills that should give you the ability to do your part in the right relationship for you and another. Do work on your communication skills since you admitted that this was part of the difficulty in the last relationship.
Best of luck and sorry about your broken heart sadness. Tears always help!!!!
Bee
Thank you, Bee - for your words for Jessa and for the point about communication. A great resource for developing better communication skills for everyone is the book and other materials under the umbrella of Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg.
It is quite difficult to controle your attractions...but the guy you have spent many years....he is perfect for you...just say sorry to him nd join him again.
After 6 years it makes sense that it will take more time than a 6 month relationship. There are marriages that last less time than that. That person was a significant part of one's life but moving on is a must. Cry it out, talk it out, and distract when you need to (like at work). Keep moving towards tomorrow and the life/love you claim for yourself. Keep reading helpful things like this blog. One website that has been very helpful and healing is Right Relationship for You with Susan Lazar Hart. Check it out and see if it resonates. Be kind to yourself and make wholeness a priority.
Thank you, Jackie.