There’s one thing I've learned along this journey that has had a greater impact on me than any other lesson I've learned (and oh how many there have been!) It’s the one that hits me at my most vulnerable place of all, in my aloneness.
Because I've always felt so alone.
I've always felt so different on the inside, so unlovable because I wasn't just like everyone else. And while I played the part so well on the outside, inside there was such a different story going on. Inside I was the one who didn't quite fit in – anywhere. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.
Surrounded by so much pressure to conform in order to be loved, I learned to play the part well, while internalizing so much of what went unsaid; I was different in a world where different wasn't a valuable asset, but something to be changed, to be shamed away, to be shut down and shut out. It didn't matter whether that was the intention or not, that was my own lonely reality.
And so in my epic search to find a cure for my loneliness, although I wouldn't come to boil it down to that until many, many years later, I was always chasing after the ones who made me feel less alone. The ones who were different, the ones who blazed their own trails and didn't care what anyone – including me – thought.
The very qualities that held my attraction and attention long enough for me to want to stay with them forever, were the very ones that pushed me away and insisted on keeping me at a distance because along with everything else they didn't care about, they didn't care about me, either.
When I finally discovered this pattern within myself and launched a search for myself instead, I found the real me buried deep down inside. It was there that I discovered a real person capable of falling in love with a real man in a real relationship. It was the kind I had run from before, scared to commit to something real that required just as real a person in me, instead of the image I had come to know myself as being, and nothing more.
It was in that breaking through the surface that I discovered what I had been missing most in life. The courage to be myself and not worry about what other people thought. The strength to carry on and get through each and every day even though I might disappoint someone or not quite be what everyone had come to expect of me.
And in that discovery, I found something even greater than real love and a real person to love. I found a love and acceptance for myself that rivaled anything else I had previously called love. I learned how to love and accept myself unconditionally.
I used to think I couldn't imagine myself continuing to live my life if anything ever happened to my husband. I couldn't imagine how anyone lives after the love of their life is no longer with them, how anyone manages to pick up the pieces and carry on with any semblance of life once such a bond has been broken.
Until I came to understand what I now know to be true.
I've learned the greatest lesson of all. The one about unconditional acceptance and love for myself. The kind that stands up to anyone else’s expectation of what I should and shouldn't be and loves myself regardless.
The kind that “has my own back” and doesn't need someone else to validate who I am or what I deserve; I know what I deserve and how to get it. The kind that refuses to allow myself to fall into my old familiar pattern of beating myself up even more for not being more of what they wanted me to be.
It’s this discovery, it’s this new place that took so many years for me to get to that now allows me to have compassion for others and hold my own, instead of deferring to them and their judgement of me, whatever that may be.
I know who I am, and I know what I have to offer.
I know I’m not perfect, but I also know that I don’t need to be. I just need to be me. Sure there are things I want to change about myself, that I’m always working on, but like any of us, I’m human, and we all have our strengths and our weaknesses.
They’re not “good” or “bad”; they just are.
We’re the ones who are so quick to label them as such and accept other’s labeling of them and make them our own reality, even though their own opinions have nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them. It’s that reality I've also come to learn along the way.
But most of all, I've learned what it truly means to love someone unconditionally. From learning how to love myself this way first, I can now accept that someone may have some qualities that I would prefer he didn't, but instead of letting those be my deal breakers, I can see the same thing I came to see in me. That were it not for those very qualities, there would not be the other side of those qualities that I adore, that I love, that I wouldn't change for the world, and that I've come to see would never exist were it not for the other ones.
That’s what unconditional love is. It’s doesn't mean that everything’s absolutely perfect and you love everything and wouldn't change a single thing. No, it’s so much more than that. What it does mean is that you love and accept all those things that aren't perfect because you understand that there’s another side to them, that you can’t always have one without the other.
You understand that the very things that drive you crazy about yourself or someone else that you wish were different, are the very qualities that produce the other complementary qualities that couldn't exist otherwise. It’s why being sensitive means you probably take things so personally and have a hard time not taking constructive criticism to heart, but being sensitive also means you have such a capacity to feel what others are going through and empathize with them on a level few can.
Don’t stay small just because someone else can’t see this. Don’t go there to that familiar downward spiral simply because someone else can only see what they call the “negative” side of your qualities and can’t appreciate all that you do have to offer.
Because the greatest lesson I've learned from all this is that no matter how alone I ever am, I’m only as alone as I want to be. There’s always someone who won’t want you. There’s always someone who you won’t be compatible with. There’s always someone who will think you’re the worst person in the world. There’s always someone who can’t appreciate the essence of you and can’t see you in any other light.
But there’s someone else who will adore you! There’s someone else who will embrace those exact same qualities that repulse another and wrap their arms around them because it’s exactly those qualities that they've come to value for themselves.
Don’t stop.
Don’t settle for staying where you’re not wanted, where you’re not appreciated, where you’re not adored. No, you’re not perfect (none of us are), but you still deserve to be loved. And I can tell you that when you love yourself the way I’m talking about here, you become the most attractive woman in the world.
Because there is nothing more beautiful than a woman who’s discovered what it means to embrace herself in a way that encompasses everything she is and everything she isn't – without beating herself up for what she isn't. She shines in her own light, in her own radiance, and brings to her the people who are meant to be with her because she allows herself to be seen so clearly for the authentic beauty she is.
This is you, my beautiful friend. This is how it can and will be for you. It’s been too long deferring to everyone else’s opinions and impressions of you.
It’s time for you to embrace yourself, to love yourself for every single one of your qualities and refuse to let anyone else take you far away from yourself so that the real loneliness sets in. We’re only lonely when we leave ourselves like this, when we judge ourselves in the same light that they’re doing.
We’re only lonely when we don’t keep climbing back up stronger, with more resolve than before to connect with the ones that love us, to find the ones that understand our hearts and souls, and to refuse to surround ourselves with the ones who bring us down, who keep us playing small because it’s the only way they know. You’re not them. Don’t let them do to you what they've done to themselves.
This isn't about anyone else. This one’s about you. And the sweet freedom that can only come from you.
What is the greatest lesson you've ever learned? I'd love to hear from you. Share it with us in the comments!
The greatest lesson that I learned is that I don't need a guy in my life to be happy. My friends and my family are the most important people in my life right now. Having a boyfriend is just an extra bonus!
Beautiful, Alysha. To realize the value of everyone else in your life that fills up your love cup is no small thing.
Jane. I stumbled on this The Greatest Lesson I Ever Learned. Boy, another one of your blogs that is RIGHT ON TIME. Jane. You are heaven sent, truly. This was perfect timing for me, as your other blogs have been. Thank you, again.
Hi dear Jane, thank u so much...just the one I needed. I kind of felt lost and alone...so as usuall I came to ur website and found this article.
Thank u
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Lernik! You're never lost and alone here; so familiar are those feelings to so many of us. And how nice to hear from you again 🙂
I guess what I've learned is that I put a tremendous amount of importance on the men I'm interested in and the end result. In doing so, I've been greatly disappointed, so much so that I feel very empty inside! Each disappointment is another broken piece of my heart! There have been guys that I've been interested in who have come into my life and quickly went out leaving me wondering what I'm doing wrong! I pretty much just want to give up!
Hi,
I have longed to encounter a website/blog such everything it says us exactly what I believe to be true but because I had not been with people who saw it my way I've always though I am wrong. My comment is actuallya quote from TD JAKES...here goes:
"As long as you are ordinary, people like you,as long as you fit in,people like you, as long as you are hammering nails people like you BUT the moment you DARE to be EXCEPTIONAL...the moment you walk in your destiny, walk in your calling,walk in your victory...don't expect people to be glad for you....you've got to be glad for yourself "
Hi Jane,
Your insight is so profound it bought me to tears .. sitting here with my cup of tea wondering why I'm feeling so alone when I'm part of lots of groups in society , sharing and helping other people but come home on my own and feel so disconnected and not many friends that care about me .... But after reading your letter I thought I am going to embrace my loneliness and find out what's there and I have an inkling it's the true me that I shove deep down inside that I need to validate for myself and not rely on others to do this all the time ..
Thanks for your sharing and caring . Megan
You're so welcome, Megan. I'm so glad you connected with this post! It sounds like you know where to go from here. 🙂
Jane,
This one really hit home!! I felt like I was reading about me. Just when I am feeling so alone. I found this story that you just sent me. How Ironic...I have been going through so much this past year. From a great, good , bad, to on & off again relationship. It started out like he was the one. Meeting family & friends. To practically living together.
But then problems started..I guess wanted to feel loved and belong has something to do with what happened.
One point it's good. We were together and going out with his sons & friends. When we were together it was great. When we weren't together it was so different. In the beginning he made a lot of plans for us. We always had a lot of chemistry, but things started to get bad. I had some problems..going through getting a new job, new place to live. Then I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Well he was with me at the beginning. He had some things to go through to, I was their for him. I always had some issues about abandonment. From when I was younger. So when my boyfriend wasn't available when I needed him. I became more & more anxious. Then he pulled back, the more he pull away. I kept trying to get him back. He said that he didn't want to be in a relationship. It was too soon after his divorce. He always had a lot more going on in his life. You see I don't have kids and he brought into his life and I felt wanted and not alone anymore.
So we started to just date. But how do you go from a relationship to just seeing each other not as much. I tried to do it on his terms. I said having a part of you is better then having nothing. It got to a point where I said I can't do this anymore. So we stopped seeing each other. But we missed each other, we kept going back a forth.
Until about 3 weeks go it got really bad. I tried to make work. But if it wasn't the way he wanted it, then it was nothing.
We had the biggest fight, I tried so many times to talk. He shut me out completely. Now I feel like it is all my fault.
He just met someone and is dating her. All I wanted was to be part of someone's life. And to feel Loved!!
I am having a really hard time going through this. On top of having pain from my radiation after my surgery. I feel like everybody abandons me!!! Please stop this feeling!!!
My heart goes out to you, Pammy. You've got a lot to go through right now. Know that as much as it hurts, you can't be the only one doing all the work in a relationship. It can't be all on his terms. Your needs matter just as much as his. Find the story in your belief that "everyone abandons me!" and you'll find a way to stop this feeling. There is someone who will never abandon you, who won't only want things his way - but it's not someone who can take or leave you like this. You deserve so much more than this.
A very powerful article. I think it is your best yet. This is a truth I have come to and one that brings a woman freedom from fear and allows her to be truly her...happy and fulfilled in her life. Thank you for sharing it that others may learn it too.
And thank you, Renee; I appreciate your kind words and support. I'm so glad this one resonated so much with what you've come to, too!
Jane, what a fantastic article! The best one yet ive read. The greatest lesson i have learned is to stop stop measuring yourself against what others have. There will always be someone with a bigger house / salary/car. Free yourself and achieve your own dreams, be your own judge. I am still on this journey but its been fantastic so far.
Beautiful, Dawn. And so true! Thank you.
Thank you so much for this email. You spoke the same feelings that Ive been dealing with but I couldn't figure out how to express. Thank you for understanding.
One of the biggest lessons I learned was you cannot love anyone else truly until you love yourself. I feel you should share your life you love with someone else that loves their life. Not own or control each other's lives, just share. All they need to survive and be content is with themselves. If not then that person will only be with you to suck your energy up without anything in return. Draining you, depleting you (heart hungry vampires, as if blood wasn't enough). :)Their love in themselves is only what you portray them as and make them feel. Then without you they become completely insecure, crazy and dangerous. Find your heart first before you steal mine.
If someone asked you if you could be anyone else, who would you be? What would you answer? I thought about it for a second and answered me I wouldn't want to be anyone else but me. 🙂
But it takes one to know one and who am I to judge. We learn from our mistakes so I keep making them. I just hope one day I won't have to learn the hard way anymore. That it will get easier for me and you.
It will, Jessica. It's always hard to see it from where we are, but eventually these lessons we learn become such a part of our lives, we recognize them and act in a different way as soon as we see ourselves going there again. On a timeline that's always your own, not anyone else's.
You've captured this concept beautifully, Jessica. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective! 🙂
The greatest lesson I have learned is to take small steps in life.
By taking steps, action. You as a human create then a story, your life.
These steps you choose, define who you are and what you are doing.
Taking small steps towards the future. Not knowing what is gonna happend.
But when you are aware of the steps, you don't care about the past or future.
You are just you, creating this energy in and around you.
So true, Maris. What we're looking for is found in those small steps, taking us where we want to be one step at a time. Not knowing, but trusting that everything is going to be all right - because, regardless of how different it might look from what you thought it would, it will!
This article speaks right to my heart. I did want to stop looking for another relationship, afraid no one is going to love me again. But then I realized, it may be that I don't love myself enough. In this process, I am trying to figure out who I am and to love myself unconditionally. I don't want to settle for just anyone but I do question whether there will be someone out there who will adore me for who I am. I don't know if I have bought into the fairy tale of the happy ending, that someone will think I am worth fighting for and not give up on me. I really need to find a way to forgive myself for past hurts I have caused others, and how I have allowed others to use me. Maybe then I can move on to loving myself unconditionally.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Natalie. When you can forgive and accept yourself with a heart of compassion for who you are and where you've been, the healing begins. One step at a time.
The greatest lesson I've learned is to not settle. Too many people settle all the time because they don't want to be alone however reality is they are alone. There is more pain in being with someone who doesn't love an respect you then being alone and loving yourself. People get so tied to traditional roles . Everyone has to find their own path that works for them.
oh so true, Angie! Thank you!
Like ?
The greatest lesson I've learned in my life, forgiveness -- and what it feels like. To truly
stand in the center of forgiveness and let it surround you and speak right into your core.
oh I hear you on this one, Kim. I always thought forgiveness is just the "right" thing to do. I never realized how much healing for one's own self was found in forgiving, that it was for me that I forgive, that it was how you free yourself from someone else has done and how you begin the whole process of finally learning to let go.
Jane, you can't imagine how much I needed to hear what you have learnt. You described exactly what I have been accepting in my life the past few years. And it wasn't until just recently that I have discovered that I have been being with people who don't appreciate all that I have to offer them. who don't care who I am but what I could do for them. You hit it on the nail! I will save and read your email over and over again when I need a reminder to love me.
thank you from the bottom of my heart for reminding me to love myself first.
Exactly, Lee-Anne! Go where you are loved - and adored! 🙂
The lessons I've learnt this year is finding the red flags coz I've had men who want to talk about sexuality & I don't like it,
Another lesson I learnt was leaving 1 guy I really like who I met last year alone (leave him alone) in jan I kept on adding him on fb n he kept on decling my friend requests, I didn't know why back then, I was obsessed with him during early this year, after 4th February I stopped giving him messages n looked at his profile to see what he's doing but not adding him as a friend,there was a warning sign in my saying STOP n said if u don't stop giving msgs n friend requests he will block u n forget u forever. So I stopped n went with my mind. My best friend said the more u leave him alone the beta he willl be next time when u want to be friends next, so I left him alone til his birthday (10 July) I was scared,nervous giving him birthday greetings n tried click on send n my guts told Just Send the Msg n after I sent him a fb message I felt guilty of giving him greetings n was nervous he wouldn't reply back but he did in the end I thought lesson learnt leave him alone which I did n he gives a msg saying "thanks..." And I'll have to do it for Xmas n new year on 22/12/14 so he can occupy himself n I'll continue with meeting new men, I'll add him as a friend 9th January 2015 if he hadn't added me between now n then n for now I'm leaving upto him to add me or msg me on FB.
I knew it was 1 big lesson LEAVE HIM ALONE
If I met a really nice guy somewhere n he's very busy, I'll leave him alone n let him come back to me, It shows that the more u leave them alone the beta they come back to u otherwise if u don't leave them alone they will never come back at all
You've learned so much, Courtney! Be so proud of yourself for coming to see these for yourself. It's no small thing to see these clearly, to recognize what you deserve and what you don't, and to learn to listen to your gut instincts instead of ignoring the red flags that we can often excuse away. It's how we get to where we want to be and find someone who will treat you exactly the way you deserve to be treated - without you needing to chase him or talk about things that you're not comfortable with. It's how you'll know!
This is a gorgeous piece. Thank you so much for your inspiring remarks. I love what you said about embracing the negative aspects of a personality trait along with the positive. Thank you for stating the importance of finding a partner who will accept us for who we are. Very nice article!
Thank you, Sharon. You absolutely deserve nothing less than being accepted for exactly who you are!
Thank you for that beautiful word. I love you Jane, you are always on time and God is doing a great work in you! I am learning to love myself unconditionally. I am clearly focused on loving me and building me up. Bless you all as the victory and true love is ours!
So glad this resonated with you, Vanessa. And thank you for your beautiful words!
Hey , Thanks for the wonderful words that you send me by email it really help me to know that im worth loving ,caring and to love my self in every manner .
What i learned is to love myself first and not limit my happiness because i can do everything that i wish to do when ever i want which it makes me more confident. Life should be embraced and im doing that because happiness come from within, I love my life so much and i wont change it for anything at the moment a man is the last in my mind but i would love to fall in love again with a different man this time loving one.
Regards
Beverly
Beautifully said, Beverly. Thank you!
As I continue to try to gather the pieces after being blindsided by a breakup, I will re-read this piece. Thank you for sharing.
Not wanted, not appreciated or adored, I worked harder, with no progress after something changed her and made her more distant. Her value of independence was taken to extreme. I guess my greatest lesson in relationships is to trust instinct and do not ignore red flags, especially ones written across the sky, lol.
Oh how I hear you, Wayne! "... especially ones written across the sky".
Hi Jane
This is beautiful and just what I needed this am! I have been divorced 2 years and I am 43 years old.
Its been a hard go have to say..... I started dating a man over a year ago and we have had our ups and downs due on his part to dishonesty. First he took an x overseas while I was out of town, then we finally get thru that as it was previously planned by his dying father before my time- we get thru that. Later, about 2 months later, May, on a Monday we are discussing what we are going to do the summer and the Wednesday of the same week, comes to break it off with me as he feels he has too much on his plate and not enough time for me. 2 months later, being this past July, he found me again and we started contact. Me, silly like, thought that he had come to terms that it was me he wanted in his life and we would start fresh again. We had great talks but shortly after I could see the old pattern on inattentiveness started very soon again and he only saw me when it was convenient for him so I SHUT it down. He contacted me on Tuesday of last week and we simply met Thursday for a chat... I found out later that Friday that he was seen by my best friend in the mall at the movies with another woman. He never did once take me to a movie etc... I simply questioned him and asked him how his date was Wednesday night? He responded, " good long time friend". I responded " movie was good too wasn't it". I wanted him to know that I knew what he had done and how could he then come on Thursday night , the very next night and spend time with me knowing that he went with someone to the movies on Wednesday. men are so stupid at times! lol Whether it was a good friend or a disguise about a date, he didn't tell me and it ruined it once and for all - dishonesty once again and I haven't spoken to him since. I am very angry, could spit I am so angry but you know what , people like that do not get away with such nonsense in this glorious life- smart women who value and love themselves will not put up with it nor have too... While its been very hard as I really enjoyed this persons company, I understand that it is not me, I was too supportive, gave too much benefit of the doubt and waaay to many chances. When the red flag is up- shut it down right away! Trust is huge and if you do not have that, you really have NOTHING! Its been a long year and a half and I just cannot do it to myself anymore. Question is tho: being a person who likes to address things head on, do I address my thoughts with him in a calm and civil manner of course or do I just walk and let him stew? Tough one... any suggestion? I often wonder what is really effective....
I would walk away. Don't talk to him again. You already called him out, and you've said you don't trust him (rightly so, from what you've said.) Now just move on with dignity, and now you can find someone a million times better!
Thanks for sharing, Cassie. I'm so glad you're seeing this for yourself - that's it's never about you! You can't trust someone like this; you can't be in a relationship without that trust, and you don't have to point it out or show someone you know - you only need to remove yourself from the relationship so that you aren't subjected to being treated like this. I wouldn't address it, I wouldn't give him anymore of yourself than you already have. It's not about "just walking and letting him stew"; it's about you not needing any residual effect of a conversation with him about this that can't help but affect you. But do what you need to do for you. Focus on what will bring you the most peace and calm and leave you with the least amount of regrets. That's ultimately the only thing that matters. You deserve so much more than this!
Your screwed he sounds not a very kind trustworthy person sorry.
Oh Jane! Another masterpiece! How I long to get to that place. I started slowly and not long ago walking towards that direction. I still feel major anxiety when I am with other people just because I am so aware of my thoughts. I still feel loke I am walking on a thin, fine line. I hope I can stay on it and come to the thicker side. Lots of love to you
You will, Angel! I couldn't see it either - or even imagine it was even possible for me! - at the time. You're on your way already in those slow steady steps in a new direction than the one you've been so used to. It's how we all get there, in our own way, and in our own time. Regardless of what anyone else thinks or says or does. It's in that acceptance of who you are that you find everything else pales in comparison.
Ps I am in Australia so always nice to get these posts just before bed... so much dreaming to be done!
I'm in Australia too, but in Western Australia
Love hearing how far these posts get to, Josie! So glad! 🙂
Thanks Jane. Once again Jane... thanks for your thoughts and inspiration. Love your work as usual xxxxx
I am learning to trust. Trusting the universe combined with loving myself I am going great.I think women like me who have been through the wringer in relationships also need to step back from the burning desire to have "him"in our lives. Just trusting that he will come when your ready is wonderful panacea for the longing. Submitting control over to the benign universe instead of the harsh world we so often create and focus on. Loving ones self is as simple as looking in the mirror and saying i love you to yourself to the hard task of not betraying yourself by being with someone who is toxic who you know is treating yor badly. By the way trusting the universe to bring your dream man doesn't mean you give up actions like healing and working on yourself and creating space by letting go of what doesn't work for you. It also doesn't mean cant take a lover in the meantime 🙂
So glad this resonated with you, Josie. Thank you! I so hear you about trusting. It can be so difficult to do when we think it "should" be a different way, or a different time on our own schedule. We can doubt so easily when things don't go our way! And yet, it is exactly as you say, he will come when you are both ready for each other no matter what it feels like or looks like now. You can always trust there is so much more going on behind the scenes than we could ever imagine!