One of our new beautiful readers, Kirsty, has been living with her boyfriend for a few years, but has found that things have changed, he won't commit, and he's becoming emotionally distant.
Here's her story:
Hi,
Firstly I want to say how great this website is and how glad I am to have found it. I feel like I cant talk to anyone about my problem so I shall ask you.
I am 42 and I started dating my bf a few years ago, previous to this I had been single for 6 years. A year ago I moved into his house and gave up mine. At the time I was very unsure but I felt it a good opportunity and so I jumped.
He has always told me he doesn't want to be tied to the hip or married but that I would always have a home here. In the beginning we went away for weekends and did fun things. Since living with him, we haven't done anything. When I ask for us to do something he always says "I don't know what I'm doing"!
He cant make plans for us but he can for his interests.
I now do things like sports and seeing family and friends on my own because he doesn't want to come and I seem to be doing everything on my own now. He has never said he loves me and the love care and affection is very scarce now.
He is happy working and sitting in front of the box every night. When I ask him to do something he always says no. Just lately I seem to be more hurt and angry with him than I do having fun with him.
I feel like a lodger who gets a daily kiss in the morning and in bed. I have told him this and he says if you are unhappy then you have to do something about it. When I ask for cuddles he gets funny but he wants to cuddle me at night.
I feel so confused, because I really love him and love to kiss and hug him, but I have pulled back and he doesn't come forth with the affection. The other day I said I couldn't cope anymore and that I was looking for another place to live but if we can work it out I would stay. He said "I don't work at things, they're either good or not".
I feel sad and lonely and think why am I here when I do everything alone and we have no future plans or goals we are working towards. I have been a bit depressed.
I suppose my question is does anyone understand what's going on here? Do I move out? Communication is an issue somewhat as he just kills it by saying its up to you, or I don't work on things.
Please help
- Kirsty
My Response:
Thank you for your kind words, Kirsty, and welcome! I’m so glad you've found your way here!
Whenever you’re not sure about what to do in a given situation, I've always found two things to be very helpful.
The first is that if you imagine your best friend is telling you about her own situation, and the story is exactly the same as what you just told me - what would your advice to her be? Your response to her will give you an outside perspective into what your own answer is for you.
What would you say to her?
What would you want her to see that she's not currently seeing?
How would you see her situation from a different point of view?
The second is that you can’t go wrong by doing what gives you the greatest sense of peace and calm with the least amount of regret. Would moving out give you that? Would you feel you didn't try hard enough? Or would you feel some relief after the initial shock of such a move?
Would you regret that you didn't keep asking, keep trying something different to elicit a different reaction? Or do you know deep down in your heart of hearts that you've tried everything – and then some – to try to turn things around?
There’s a reason we have such a hard time seeing our own answers clearly for ourselves; so often we don’t really want to see it for what it is. We hold tight to our subconscious belief systems – our programming – that tells us we don’t deserve better or we should be happy to have it as good as we do, or any other number of stories we buy into without even realizing this is what we’re doing.
Whether it’s someone else’s voice or our own, we hear the same words:
A relationship is work and you have to work for it to make it work. You’re expecting too much. He’s a man; what do you expect? Do you think it’s always going to be easy? What’s wrong with you?
The list of all the things we believe about ourselves and our relationships goes on and on if we are open enough to going beneath the surface and seeing what’s really behind why we settle for the things we do.
What’s going on is so clear from here, Kirsty. But when you’re in it like you are, it never is.
Reread what you've written to me, paying close attention to what you've said about his responses, his words. You've got your answers, Kirsty.
From the time he first told you he “doesn't want to be tied to the hip or married”. From the way he can make plans for his own interests, but not for the two of you. From his answer to you that he “doesn't work on things. They’re either good or not”. From the way he puts it on you, “If you are unhappy, then you have to do something about it.”
It’s all there.
Where he stands and where he doesn't. Where you stand on his list of priorities, and where you don’t. His activities motivate him, but not you.
It’s not surprising you’re sad and lonely and “wondering why you’re here.” It’s because you’re not there. He’s not there. You’re alone. It’s a paradox. You’re there in person, but you’re not there in all the ways that matter. You've pulled back and what did he do? Did he fill in that space and come closer? Or was he content to keep that space you created? It’s how you know what’s really there even if the words don’t convince you. It’s what he does.
Don’t accept these crumbs you’re being thrown anymore, Kirsty. Don’t keep asking someone who always says “no”. Don’t ask for cuddles, affection, love or attention from someone who you have ask these things of in the first place.
The only confusion here is that you don’t see what you’re doing to yourself by putting yourself through this and calling it love. Somehow, somewhere along the way, you've forgotten who you are and what you deserve.
You've replaced living with settling and loving with loathing – yourself. Don’t call this love. Don’t allow your beautiful , loving heart and soul to be a part of living and loving this way with someone so incapable of giving you what you deserve.
Yes, choose you. Yes, you absolutely deserve to be loved and this is absolutely not anything remotely resembling love. Ask yourself these questions - you know what the answers are.
Don’t do it for me or for anyone else, do it for you!
I know you can relate on some level to what Kirsty’s going through. She’s not alone. And neither are you. Kirsty would love to have your support and encouragement, too. Please give her your thoughts on her situation here in the comments. Thank you.
Hi all
Thankyou for all your love and messages. You have all helped me tremendously. I would like to update you all on what has happened.
I moved out!!!
Thankfully not many cruel words were said, but enough for me to realise that i didnt want to live with him anymore or invest anymore of my time, love or money. In him or us.
I am now focusing on me alone, and as i was pretty much doing this before and had hobbies, interests and a social life, it has been pretty easy ... And a big relief!!
New Chapter
New adventures
My goals
Endless opportunities
Happy days!
Xx
Hii Kirsty. Congratulations on your decision I wish you well,at long last you are free from the chains of being unloved,and from someone who does'nt deserve you!!!!!Well done!
So thrilled to hear your update, Kirsty! You sound so strong, so full of your own life, your own dreams and plans and adventures that await you! This is how it's meant to feel; not the push and pull and the feeling that you're trying to "make" someone be or do something that you want them to, but genuine real, authentic you; standing in your own power. Thank you so much for updating - and inspiring! - us all 🙂
I think you shouldnt wait more and think about tryin to work things !! And Try what ?!!!!!! , Its clear from day one , that he was not ready for anything , and he said it but you chose to ignore that ! You as a woman , shouldnt take any step towards your relationship if he didnt open the door widely and called you in with love and a smile. Stop that now and cut everything without fear . Move out and if he wants you he will do anything to take you back . But if you stay there and let time pass , you are losing the chances and he will be so happy to open the door and ask you to leave !!!!! Will you wait to hear this from him ? Can you bear that ?!!!
Hi Kirsty,
You are unique and special...infact dare I even put it you that you ae exceptional.There are many men out there who if given a chance would love you like you deserve to be loved so stop settling and have faith that it's never too late to find that true love. Does it really matter when you get true love as long as you get it...whether a person is in their twenties,thirties or fourties...it doesn't matter. I believe that deep down you have the answers to your questions, now all you need to do is be decisive.I wish you all the best
HY Kristy
ia m so sorry about your situation.you are really going through a difficult time but the truth is action speak louder than words.this guy he is no loger interested in your relationship,he is not even ready to fix things betwwen you guys,i know its hard but the only way out of this is to move out and stay away from him,you derseve better than how is treating you,you beautiful and smart,move out and try to do things and be with people who makes you happy,try hard to be strong,at the end you will be find dear,one step at a timedear
I have only just had the time to post a reply to all you wonderful people. I want to say a huge thankyou to each and everyone of you for your love and support. You have helped me tremendously to take a stark cold look at the relationship that I have with my boyfirend.
We have talked and talked and it goes around the same circles, so at the moment i am waiting and biding my time to see if
1. he brings forth all i have asked of him and
2.... I currently work in my old town and commute to it from the house we live in, i am desperate to change jobs and now i have an interview in the town where we live. Oh it's so complicated. So i am waiting and hoping i get this job, because i am unsure of which town to move out to!!
So like i said I am now waiting to see positive changes occur and then I shall know how to move forward.
I am happy to give him a little more time whilst i wait on this job, but as many of you have said 'actions speak louder than words'.
You have all helped me to become more aware, and to know that i am not alone.
Much Love to you all in your search and quest for true love
Many thanks and blessings to you all
Kirsty
PS
I know I can live alone I was quite happy for 16 years alone, albeit I had my daughter with me for 15 of them!
Kristy, So very happy for you and thank you for writing back. Yes, we do care and you have been so brave to talk to him and have a back up plan! You have helped so many of us realize we can change our selves to be happy and leave a similar hurtful situation. Annie
I'm so glad you were able to receive the love and support here for you, Kirsty. Much love to you! You are never, ever alone in going through this.
It takes courage to look ask for help. It takes practice listening to our gut instincts. You are going to have to learn that. I agree with the what would you tell a friend? Unless that is to try what you know harder. I you like the house and neighborhood, create a life of your own . If he is not giving you affection when out of the bedroom , move out of the bedroom. Here are a handful of suggestions:
Look in the mirror , ask yourself what you want in a male female relationship and write those answers down. Drink wine if you can't seem to get the honest words out. When we look at something on paper , it regesters in our brain .
Do you want to stay with him the way he is ?
Make a list of your options as we all have suggested , do any ring true to you?
If you won the lottery , would you stay with him?
volunteer somewhere giving of yourself to someone or something that needs you and will give you love that moment .
Changing ones life takes time , It took me two years between getting the divorce and moving out into my own house. I struggle with being alone but I keep reading inspiring stuff and have started yoga . I also allow myself to cry , nowing the tears will be to lesson.
Beautifully said, Carrie. Thank you for sharing!
"I don't work at things, they're either good or not". thats the answer right there Kirsty, the only thing i can tell you is that this guy has no respect for you or whatsover, the way He gives his responces he sounds so insensitive, he doesn`t seem to care about your feelings at all.....the fact that he spends ours on end busy with work on his box while u are there with him shows he doesn`t value you...sister its time for you to move on, its time for you to show him that u can do without him, you are still very young to be getting a kiss only in the morning and at night, this guy doesn`t deserve you, you deserve so much better, i feel like we are getting too old to explain to others what they know they are doing is wrong, this is very simple like Jane always puts it "it is what it is" its either he wants to be with you or he doesn`t no two way about it......and in this case he has shown it by his actions and by his words that he doesn't want to be with you, save yourself a heartache and move out, i know its easier said than done but believe u me its possible, i know how it feels to be with someone who can`t give you his whole attention, someone who`ll be busy chatting on his phone while you are there next to him, i know all about those kinda responces where a guy will tell you "its up to you" and the more they say that the more you want to be with them, but the minute you shift the attention from them and start focusing on you it feels good, in my case i had to regain my confidence by looking at the things that makes me happy that is my kids and my family and friends offcouse.....all the best remember we are in this together you are not alone, this is a great community with great Women, i myself always come here when i need some sanity in my life, even at 2am in the morning and i always find peace knowing that i`m never alone...please note this "if a Man wants to be with you nothing can keep him away, and if a Man doesn`t want to be with you nothing can make him stay".....all the best
Hi Kristy
My name is Beverly and i can relate to what you going trough i also went trough that with a man who wont do anything with me, He is only interested in doing things alone which is exhausting by keep trying to make things right i end up going silent not texting or calling at all im done with him for good im the one who is doing decisions not him so he can go i dont have a problem at all, life its Beautiful to be sad and depressed go out with ladies friends and smile you never know what life brings to you.
Regards
Beverly
This is definitely a Friends wiith Benefits arrangement and he sounds very selfish and immatute not wanting commitment ties or responsibilities. Seek what you really deserve. This does not sound it.
Hello all!
Jane's advice is right on the money. This guy is a boy not a man. He has everything the way he wants it, no ties/commitments, does exactly what he wants when he wants without regard to your wants and needs. A man would step up, cherish you and want to make you happy. Unfortunately, it sounds like you're in a friends with benefits type of relationship. What is it you want for you? What do you need for you? What type of relationship do you want? Do you want crumbs or great? Take some time to really think about your wants, needs and desires, get crystal clear. If he's not satisfying these things for you, then sadly he's not the right man for you, get out/leave him. Take back your power, you hold the key. Don't compromise/settle or lose sight of what will ultimately make you the happiest and stay true to it and yourself. They right man will show up when you can do this for yourself. He will love, respect, admire and adore you for you!
Hi
I felt like you were writing about me, as I was in the same situation not long ago.....and unfortunately I didn't want to accept the truth, so I stayed even though I felt more and more unhappy each day. I simply wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself and I now regret it. I thought it was because I loved him so very much, but I realize it was because I didn't love myself enough. I have now come to believe that when God shows you it's time to let someone go and you refuse to, he will allow the person to hurt you to the point you have no choice but to let go. Like I said I stayed knowing it wasn't right, and when I got home from one week holiday at my Dad's (after we'd gone away on a romantic trip, with the whole package) he told me he was going away the upcoming weekend to be with someone else 🙁 but that didn't mean anything had change between the two of us!!!! Yeah, well I disagreed on that one, moved out when he went to see her (he knew I'd be gone when he came back) and I haven't seen him since. Today makes it a month since I last saw him. I wish I had seen AND reacted to the signs, before it got that far, so I truly hope that you can apply the advise given here. Reading the advise made me cry, as it is so true...would you ever tell your girlfriend to stay in a situation like that? NO!! So why do you think that you should stay??
I know it isn't easy, but in reality it's him who's losing you, cause you can't lose what you don't have!
I wish you all the best!
I like what you wrote about how you see things, Christina. Bless your heart.
I was in the same similar situation for 4 years and finally after almost 4 times of breaking up and patching back only to get the same results and non commitment, I realised what I was doing to myself. He had always maintained he could not commit yet he wanted to be with me and if I said I wanted more, he was fine to leave anytime. I felt worthless and not good enough so I clung on to whatever scraps he gave me. Until one day I finally decided to break free, with his help of course, because ironically it was him who ended things again, saying I was pressuring him and that I should think also about HIS happiness and WHAT he wants, which is not to commit.
This advice was so good that I read above and so true too and I hope you really listen to what we all say here, please dont be like me and go back to that guy over again expecting something different because he will never be able to give you what you need eventhough he may say things to get you back.
"The only confusion here is that you don’t see what you’re doing to yourself by putting yourself through this and calling it love. Somehow, somewhere along the way, you've forgotten who you are and what you deserve.
You've replaced living with settling and loving with loathing – yourself. Don’t call this love. Don’t allow your beautiful , loving heart and soul to be a part of living and loving this way with someone so incapable of giving you what you deserve."
Damn good advice.
You sound like me 5 years ago.
My dear women you have no self respect.
And you are dealing with a man who now only
Wants what he can benefit from.
You are making excuses for his behaviour.
Can you stay and maybe have kids etc.
Yes you can, but remember he wants you to obbey
Him. This kind of man wants a women that listens, cleans
And shuts up when he says so.
Now for me personally, that is like prison. I love myself way too much!
And I do not consider his behaviour as respectfull or loving!
But do you?
To me it sounds that you are not happy. If you had respect for yourself,
You would stand up for you!
Why not?
Have the courage and go on to discover why you are not happy.
But do not lie or point your finger towards him.
You already knew, what kind of man he was and still is.
Bless you.
Kirsti,
I too hope that, by now, you are out of that situation. After many years of being alone and getting on with it, I met a guy on holiday who happened to live in Ireland but not in my city. That was not a problem as he used to travel up to see me enough times to keep me 'on board' and interested. He also systematically 'wooed' me with little gifts, cute romantic songs and amazing grooming. Even though he wasn't really good-looking...he was so attractive. I couldn't not be with him. He went abroad again and our first date after that was me picking him up at the airport and spending the weekend on a beautiful island...barbeques done by him and lots more. He did seem aloof at times and I didn't like some of the things he told me about himself...drink-driving offence, visiting prostitutes, violence in the marriage etc. Of course it was all HER fault..she went for him....I gather she'd caught him cheating on the internet and was annoyed!! Anyway, it continued ..as I had feelings for someone for the first time in years and he was, overall, so nice to me and it was exciting...he was somewhat of a 'bad boy'.
There were gaps, due to distance, and then in July, two short holidays. he brought his friend on one of them and they had a great time teasing me. Things deteriorated...he told me one night after a good few drinks that there were "plenty of other horses in the corral he wanted to sample before he settled down again". he told me his last 'relationship' had ended because he can't guarantee committment etc etc. The physical contact got less and less to the point that I had to ask him to hold me which he did for about 30 seconds. He told a group of people...after about 3 months that I wasn't his girlfriend, just a special friend and he had a few of them. I still didn't hear him. Luckily, by chance, I met up with an old friend who invited me to New york during the Summer. It got me away from him. Just before I left, his behaviour had deteriorated even further...not replying to texts, being smart...and he had become really secretive. My 'gay friends' saw it as it was and had no sympathy for me. It finally ended by text...I exploded...I gathered he was In Spain...helping an old friend or with another woman. With him, you could never be sure. I am insecure but boy did he bring all of them to the surface. I think he is a narcissist. He enjoys wooing women but as soon as he has them attached...gets cold and cruel. Luckily for my mental and emotional health, it only lasted three months. I was/am upset because I did really like him. However since then, thanks to sites like Jane's and letters like yours, I can see that I had a lucky escape. i'm so glad i didn't waste any more time on this emotionally damaged and cruel man. I was beginning to lose myself and my self respect in that 'relationship'....which he led me to believe it was, in the early stages when he was wooing me. Run, Kirsti, and get well in every way. You need to recover. Thank you so much. You have helped me see even more clearly how toxic a situation I was in and I am so grateful to be out of it. Carol
Thank you so much for sharing your own story here, Carol. It helps so much for us to know we're not alone in what we're going through. So glad you were able to come to this for yourself.
Dear Kristy,
I hope by now you are out of the relationship, I don't know how long ago this was posted!? But after reading the email from Jane I wanted to post because I can really relate.
I have just ended a similar relationship with a guy I was truly in love with! We grew up together and to meet again and begin a love affair was a dream come true! I was that teenager again that swooned over his every move, totally lost in a fantasy, when reality kicked in....I was flabbergasted!
He has been hurt a lot as a child, we both had hard childhoods, but he turned into an emotional abuser himself. He withheld his love as I showed him all that I am, my worth! He never wanted to go out and wasn't really pleasant company at home and I know I deserve better! I can't change him, can't show him what love is, can't make him love me, so I walked away. I wanted to be his wife and create a life with him, but he didn't want the same thing, and that's okay, I wish him the best.
But always choose you first! Put God first and the rest will follow.....Be blessed, take care and the best of luck!!!!!
Hi Kirsty,
I think that in your heart of hearts you know the answer to this one. We have all been where you are now, and to feel lonely in a relationship is soul destroying. You have given this relationship your best, and have been rewarded with indifference. Move on Kirsty, you can do it, small steps at a time. It is so difficult, I am presently at month 3 post break up and very grateful for finding this blog. I am 55 and feel more annoyed at myself because at my age I should have learned. However, in the words quoted by Oprah, "when someone shows you who he is, believe him, first time".
I wish you all the best, find your self love again, and be the girl you once were. Kind thoughts, Anna.
"to feel lonely in a relationship is soul destroying." - oh so true, Anna. Thank you for this.
Hi Kirsty
I am in a relationship similar to yours. We need to rise above and believe that we are worth much more than what we are getting. We deserve love, respect, and to be treated like a queen. Together we can do this. Would we like our best friend or our sisters or daughters to be living like this. No way of course not. As Jane said we need to make ourselves no 1. All tbe best.
Aroha
Tarn
Hi Kristy,
You are a sweet and loving woman who deserves better. This man sounds very very selfish and cold. I would not advise you to stay in that house because there is no room for you and his ego. He doesn't put you first, he takes care of himself and you are an afterthought. You yourself have the power to get out. You may be afraid to be alone, but you are already alone. Find the courage to leave. You deserve much better and he is not worthy of you. Prayers and hugs, you will be just fine.
Kristy,
We so much share in your confusion- we think our guy is a good guy and then we miss the signs that he is a jerk. Please, read all those replies- you deserve much better. The question I've asked and you probably ask, is how can he be this way? He seemed like such a good guy, attentive and cuddly for 3mo maybe 6 mo.... then just indifferent to you. Because you are a sweetheart, you can't see that he isn't in love with you, he is in love with himself. And why can't he see how great you are, you've done everything to show you are worthy... the part he will never tell you, he is the one not worthy of your love...because he is a true jerk. There lies the truth. Narcissistic behavior in truest form- and you can not change HIM. Just you. So go, like the wind. Know when to run...is now! Get together with your besties and love yourself. I've been there and left...Heartbreak is real, grief is real. But like all of us...we will be better for being brave enough to go on.
Kirsty, your question is "should I move out" he is telling you what your future will be if you continue to stay. take your feelings and emotions out of the equation PAY ATTENTION to what he is saying. He has told exactly what he wants and who he is..."When a person tell you who they are believe them". "Please DON'T SETTLE FOR CRUMBS WHEN YOU CAN HAVE THE WHOLE CAKE and sometimes it comes with ICE CREAM". It might be hard at first to be on your own....but when you heal from his BS, you will have your power back and he will be running chasing and searching for you....then you can make the decisions and not him.
So true, RealDavis. "When a person tell you who they are believe them" We forget this part all too often.
Your not alone Kirsty, I'm single n the last guy was a friend n he was just like your bf but I wasn't in a r-ship with him n were at a stage in getting to know each other, there was times I would want to meet up with him n he kept making excuses, at first he started to msg me everyday this time last year, he would say something like "talk to u on fri at 9pm" so then 3 weeks later he couldn't be bothered making a date n time to talk to me on fb n say something like "I'll let u know when we chat next" I kept saying the same thing everyday via txt msg "when will we talk on fb next" sometimes he says "idk, I'll let u know" when he n I planned a meeting to get together he kept making excuses like "I'm so sorry I can't do today coz my boss wants me to do a client up north or his boss went away for 2 weeks etc" in feb he ended the friendship n I didn't want it to end, so I stopped giving communication n gave him space & I left him alone til his birthday wishing him happy birthday n he said thanks... On a reply. My advice to u Kirsty is leave him alone n give him space for a year, whilst leaving him alone do things u want do n see those besties who will pick u up, u can give him special greetings on special occasions like his birthday or Xmas etc. if he remembers your birthday then he will give u birthday greetings. After year has gone just be friends again n reunite n have a reunion with him & build the friendship until he's ready for love/relationship to be with u. The reason why he doesn't know what he's got planned is that 1.he may have a disability or he doesn't know what he wants. I hope this helps u Kirsty but In a friendship way
Thank you, Courtney. To know we're not alone and that we have so much support helps so much!
Kirsty, i almost cried when i read your letter because it was a trigger for me. I lived like this for 20 years, married to a man who just would not contribute to the relationship no matter how i tried and tried. Its a lonely place to be, but i clung on rationalising that it was better to have him around than to be alone. Well to cut a long story short he just decided one day that he was leaving. I was broken and coudnt believe this was happening to me. I lost my father at a young age and was always determined that my marriage was going to work. So i was completely devastated when he left. But believe me , four years down the lane, and i am alone but happy. and there is always the hope of a better relationship coming along , lol . So dont be afraid to let go. Trust that God is in control. Make it your affirmation every morning, and soon the sun will be shining again. Take care.
Thank you for your words of love and support to Kirsty, Ann. I know just how well you understand her situation firsthand.
I'm so sorry this happened to you! There are just some evil , miserable, low down dirty men out here.I keep meeting the wrong ones also! Been here done that! It's obvious he has a problem! He does not Love or want you!He is so dry with you!
"He is so dry with you!" - That's it, Delilar, even when we can't see it, someone else always can. Thank you.
Hi Kristy, I know this feels terrible for you and like "it doesn't have to be this way." I've been there. But, I honestly and truly would love for you to meet and share your life with a much kinder man who adores you and can't wait to do things with you and can't stand it if you ever feel unhappy. Unfortunately you will need to leave this relationship so you can be free for a beautiful future. If I were you, I would ask him for a date that he won't be around the house so you can have some of your friends and family come help you move out. You need to honor your "self respect" feelings. You know you deserve better and the sooner you get started, the better. Some things we need to in life are hard, but we need to do them anyway. Good luck!!! Sending you love and support.
"I honestly and truly would love for you to meet and share your life with a much kinder man who adores you and can't wait to do things with you and can't stand it if you ever feel unhappy." Love what you've said here, Theresa. Thank you. It's what we all deserve!
I absolutely love Jane’s response to Kirsty! I can’t even add anymore to it other than put yourself first and get out NOW! Lesson learned. Take the experience and move on. You are what you allow at the end of the day.
"You are what you allow at the end of the day." - Exactly, Dazz! No matter how much we fight it, we only fight with ourselves.
Please get out that dead end relationship. If you love yourself and want happiness .
Thank you, Jayne.
You both should have the other's interest at heart, not this - it is him that should be at your feet - crap. I guess ranting is good therapy but people sometime need to move past that. You are doing your part by reaching out. And what you want in your relationship is totally reasonable and you are not getting it, despite your hard work, from what you have said. I gave her my very best, treated her like a princess. Put up with her crumbs. I hoped she would change. But she pushed me away the harder I tried. I do not recommend anyone do this for anyone. Make sure they are in the game with you. Or end it. Collect your thoughts, bring in a few friends and make the decision to help him or if need be, move on with your dignity intact.
So true, Wayne. Thank you for adding your perspective here. I know you know the other side of this all too well.
The answer is in the question. He doesn't care if you are there. I myself have experienced my own situation similar to this. I moved out 2 months pregnant. I was devastated at the time but eventually you move on. The hurt goes away and you have time to focus on yourself.
Thank you for sharing your own story, Nicole. It's always devastating at the time, but as you can say from your own experience, "eventually you move on".
Hi!Kirsty you said you 42 and the guy I'm not sure whether he is younger nor older than you,but all I can say is that the brother has lost interest on you,judging by his words when you ask him"good or bad"that to me comes from a person who doesn't care a less about you!I guess he can't find a way to tell you that its over between you both. Or he I s now needs a space since you said you are not married. All I can say to you is that move aout from this ,coz its draining you emotional and physical,I understand how painful to love someone who doesn't love you no more!just get out of his life and I promise you,It will come to pass and you will begin to know yourself worth, All the best Kirsty.
So true, Ruth. It's so hard to keep sight of our own self-worth when we're with the ones who don't value us themselves. Thank you for your words to Kirsty. It all helps.
How cruel. I still can't believe there are people in this world that can be as callous and cold as this guy. If he doesn't love her, he might as well have the decency to tell her in a more respectful manner. This is so sad.
I hope that Kirsty can honestly realize soon that she deserves to be loved. She deserves to be treated with love, respect and kindness. I hope she can see that he just doesn't want her there and that she can start a new life of love away from such horrible behaviour.
Much love her way.
Thank you, Angel.
Ohh Kirsty, I feel for you. I been there twice (groan!) but can promise it gets better ... After. After what? After realising that if you had the power to make it work, it would be working and you would be feeling happy. After you realize, you tried and then tried more and probably tried more than a number of girlfriends you know would have tried. After you realize his words are telling you exactly what the final result will be.... After you realize perhaps you are staying for the few good times or some of those nice moments you can somehow get (that cuddle, how you feel when love flies out of you when he lets you be close). After you realize it really is suppose to be the opposite, you stay for ALLLLLLL the good times, in spite of a few bad times. The good times are suppose to far far outweigh the bad times. If they don't, and you are staying, it is because this sad situation has become your "new normal" and you don't realize.... When you adapt to a "new normal," it a sign that you are actually in a toxic situation for yourself. (I am sure the real Kirsty aches to get out! To turn to her boyfriend , how she may've easily been able to do in the past 'before' this new normal, and say "do the work" "be nice (because he is not, Kirsty)" "I am not standing this from anyone let alone from someone who is supposed to be closer than a friend.") And ... last, but not least, After you realize he is doing the shameful, upsetting, and totally totally and completely unfair thing that some guys sometimes do: He is trying to make you break up with him without him even having to do that work! Yes, it is so unfair. At this point though, why fight for this if he not only not fighting for it but doing a very good job of pushing for it? Think honestly: he won't really lift a finger to get you to stay or even keep the relationship if you end it, will he?? He doesn't want to be a boyfriend, that he has made very clear. Perhaps in the beginning those words didn't match his actions with the cuddles and trips and closeness. But they sure do now. You deserve so so much better. And definitely better than a guy who would take this selfish and cowardly (and very cruel, actually) route. Why should he make it that you --who loves him very much and wants this to work-- should have to break up with him?? That is so unfair and cruel!! Can't he at least be straight forward and do it? You, after all, want it to work. But this is how it is. And as unfair and cruel and ridiculous it is, you are going to have to be the one to end it. Just know, it would have worked, if it at all could have worked --you ARE that strong and determined (and wonderful!!!). But it is not because of him. Once you are free, give yourself time for the true real stand-up for herself and others and likes to laugh and go out and do things and enjoys affection self to come back. She will! And you will then see the real normal and will honestly actually feel relieved and like a burden is lifted. And then ... that exciting time full of anticipation starts ... when and where and how will you meet the next guy??? And the knowledge you can put into action everything you learned from this relationship and this website. After all, you don't go through that to sink back into something similar. No, you were brave and took a stand and weathered this so you can have so much more! That IS out there! Take it from 43 1/2 me who is newly (and for first time ever!!) engaged! And I am so so so thankful it isn't to any of my past boyfriends, and most especially to those 2 who sound way too similar to your current boyfriend. Kirsty, I been there and I know it not easy. That is why it important to only do what you feel like you can handle at the moment. You know inside where this is headed. Maybe let that sink until you reached your limit. Or maybe move out but stay boyfriend and girlfriend, use it as opportunity that he can make dates with you and so your tin together is chosen quality time, not just because both in same house. I did the latter route with the 2d guy.. it made it easier for me to move and to tell myself I still not giving up (but you know already what happened, don't you? How often he then called and wanted to see me??). I've also stayed until I was beyond unhappy and wanted out but was so deep in my new normal that I didn't have the strength anymore. I prayed then for God to close the door. A few weeks later an opportunity came up in conversation to easily and effortlessly raise moving out and making it rather definite. Do what you can Kirsty, when you can. And just know All WILL Be Well ... after.
"Take it from 43 1/2 me who is newly (and for first time ever!!) engaged! And I am so so so thankful it isn't to any of my past boyfriends, and most especially to those 2 who sound way too similar to your current boyfriend. Kirsty, I been there and I know it not easy." - You are an absolute inspiration, Been there twice! Thank you for your beautiful words for Kirsty, from one side to the other. It's beautiful to see what can happen when we let go of what isn't ours to hold onto and what we cannot change. There's always a reason! Congratualations on your engagement! "It will all be well ... after." - Yes!
Hi Kirsty,, You came to a great place,, Jane is awesome, , and some great woman are on this site, you can't go wrong. I have been where your at and more,,, like Jane said look what you wrote,, listen to your gut not your heart. Kirsty,, you shouldn't be asking him if you should stay and work it out,, it should be him begging you to stay, loving and wanting to do whatever he could to make YOU happy. It's taken me a long time to realize that I come first, I need to love myself and respect myself, if I don't why should anyone else. Once I learned to love myself, my life changed,, I was completely happy. Kirsty,, your one of kind,, your special, loving you deserve the best. Yoyr already doing things on your own, that's one foot out the door already. Do what makes YOU happy,, the rest will fall into place. GodBless, Love Cindy
"It's taken me a long time to realize that I come first, I need to love myself and respect myself, if I don't why should anyone else. " So true, Cindy. And how familiar a story for so many of us. Thank you for your beautiful words for Kirsty.
Kristy, your beautiful and strong enough to see that this isn't a relationship. A relationship is two people working together to make it work. If he's not willing to work on it and you are putting all the work into it your the one getting exhausted. You need to move on for yourself . Definitely get a place of your own and if it's meant to be he will realize what he is loosing. You deserve a relationship that is full not empty and what you write sounds very empty. Sometimes when someone isn't he notionally available or able to change that little bit things just don't work out. You have given it a fair chance and walk away with your head up. You deserve a better relationship. As people say to me and it's hard to hear sometime your taking time away from the one who suppose to be in your life to find you when you r in these relationships with a guy who doesn't meet you half way. Hope this helps. Goodluck to you and do what's best for you not for the relationship. It should always be about your first. I hope I helped alittle 🙂 Patricia Bendix
Thank you, Patricia. It all helps, everything you say that reminds someone that they're not alone helps in so many ways. 🙂
Hi Kirsty ... When I read what you've put down here I feel your pain, I lived that way for four years. Let me tell you it doesn't get better no matter what lies and excuses you tell yourself. I haven't got to the place of loving myself yet but even though I was stepping into the unknown I knew I couldn't live this way any longer. I let him go even though part of me thought he will realise what he's so easily given up and come back, he was good with words but not with actions. I may at this stage feel lonely,hurt, afraid, not sure what the future holds but guess what...I was all those things being with him!!!! I used to say I'm not going to settle for crumbs and Jane's response to you're message is real and she helps us try look outside without the blinkers but that doesn't stop the pain. We have to go through the sheep dip feeling all yucky and at times not knowing what to do one minute to the next but we can't go around it... We can't keep going round the same mountain and getting the same result. I'm just starting this journey on my own, I have good days and not so good days but I have given myself the hope in time for something so much better ...Jane is right the answers are right there inside of us the question you need to ask yourself is ...how much more pain are you going to inflict on yourself before you say enough is enough???
Thank you for your words for Kirsty, Sandy. So true! Because when you're going through it yourself, you understand in a way like no one else can.