There are so many things we think matter. There are so many qualities we all have on our perfect boyfriend list.
Typically, they include words like tall, or well-built, or funny, or ambitious, or fun, or confident, or dark haired, or light haired, or stylish, or wealthy, or, well, you get the picture.
We all have our lists, and they're all different, but they're also all very similar. They all have words that describe the ideal traits that we think we want in a partner.
But the reality is, none of these matter as much as one single word that conveys so much about what really matters, but is so often left off of our lists.
Kind
It’s what it means to be kind.
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines the word kind as:
kind, adjective : having or showing a gentle nature and a desire to help others : wanting and liking to do good things and to bring happiness to others
and includes as synonyms the words benevolent, compassionate, affectionate, loving, good-hearted, kindhearted, kindly, softhearted, sympathetic, tender, tenderhearted, warmhearted, attentive and considerate.
Read through those words again. These are the ones I want you to come to know so well so that there’s no mistaking the qualities you’re looking for in someone who’s right for you, who’s worthy of you, who’s deserving of you and all that you have to offer.
You see, my perfect boyfriend list used to look a lot like yours. I had everything on there that I thought were must-haves for anyone that I could possibly be attracted to, let alone spend the rest of my life with.
And while I slowly figured out through lots of trial and error exactly what I did and didn't want, and what the deal breakers were and which qualities really mattered and which ones I could be much more flexible about, nothing compares to what I've learned since then.
It's what I've learned during the rest of the story.
The part that comes after you’re married and have children and real-life jobs and stresses and in-laws and mortgages and all of the other everyday realities that are part of a shared life. That's when you learn what really matters.
That’s when the word kind becomes so much more than just another word on your checklist.
And it’s why, if I had to do this all over again, it’s the one word that would matter about the person I would choose more than anything else.
Kind. Compassionate. Caring. Understanding. Forgiving. Loving. Gentle.
Back when I was dating, before I had a clue just how important these qualities would become, I had so many other concerns about what mattered. That elusive spark used to be at the very top of my list right above “tall, dark and handsome”. It mattered so much to me back then, I can only imagine how many potential men I passed over simply because I never knew just how important this single quality really was.
It’s become the one very most important quality of all.
If it isn't already at the very top of your list, then it needs to be.
So take that list of yours, that long one that you keep updating but leaving the same things at the top that aren't getting you anywhere closer to the real kind of love you deserve, and put this at the top.
Trust me on this one: Most of those things you think are so important right now won’t matter in the long run. In fact, most of them don’t really matter now. You just think they do.
If you take away all your programming (we all have it), take away all the cultural conditioning and the classic fairy tales that we all base so many of our dreams on, what you’re left with is really very simple.
Is he kind?
Because how he treats you - how he is with you - says volumes about the type of person he is. Yes, you need to be attracted to him. Yes, you want to share common interests and beliefs and philosophies. But at the end of the day, what really matters is about something far deeper than anything skin deep.
Whatever you do, don’t miss that part when you're writing your perfect boyfriend list.
Great to reconnect with our awesome Jane and amazing girls who expect the best in their love life...
Like Angel, I wholeheartedly agree!
Finally, KIND is at the very top of my list!
And it is a NON-NEGOTIABLE...
That´s it, period ; )
Seriously, Jane, thank you for validating this...
And that we attract who we are...
The question I have is how sometimes the super kind and sweet guy can lose his temper and be the opposite?
Love + peace
Monica.
So glad this resonated with you, Monica. It's because he's human, too. He has his own issues, his own triggers, his own struggles that have everything to him and nothing to do with you. Your role here is only to decide what you can live with and what you can't. You can tell him how his temper affects you and what you need to see from him if he wants to continue to have you in his life. You can let him know you're not ok with this and recommend he get help for himself if it's that serious. But ultimately, he has to want to do something about this himself. He has to be open to see it, to recognize his own triggers and be willing to change this. So many men were never allowed to expressed their emotions- yes, they do have them! - in healthy ways, and so they learned to be ashamed of them and stuff them deep down inside to be accepted and loved from the time they were little boys. As men, unless they have learned how to undo this, how to be an emotional human being and not just a programmed "macho" man, they will suffer still in their own ways and it may come out like this. But this is his journey, not yours. Yours is only to be true to yourself about where your own boundaries lie.
trust me with God ..Evrything ielse comes next without any doubt ...belive , have faith , don axtually wait for it...he will come at the right momentt..tchao..kisses
This topic is so cute:)
I PRAYING FOR THIS KIND OF MAN IN MY FUTURE:)
He'll be there, Kristine. And often when you least expect him.
Jane, i totally agree on that. i met a guy through online and at first i thought he was nice, considerate and a "perfect boyfriend" material to me. but after two months, through his way of talking and everything he did were barely at the point of being kind. He sometimes did "tried" to be kind to me but most of the time, he thinks of himself more than me or other people.
And i think it's true that we all consider better looking and search for Mr. Right. But after this whole thing happened, i learned a lot from him and the past and i do realized that Mr. Right doesn't has to be a Calvin Klein model. 😉
Exactly, Nichole. When you become clear on what matters most to you, you see all these qualities for what they are - and aren't. And you realize what matters most. 🙂
Yes Jane, I agree that visual attraction isn't all that we should consider then looking for Mr. Right. I have been on so many "first dates" because once we started talking and discovered what "his" values and beliefs were I realized that he wasn't for me. It's very difficult to find a man with the same values and beliefs that you have, but I'm not willing to settle or less. I do believe that a woman can fall in love with who the man is even if he isn't Mr. Handsome.
Hi Jane,
Thank you for reminding me that I need kindness also. I deserve to be treated with loving respect.
I am so kind to others and have had my ex take advantage of my kindness, he knows how to use it to his advantage.
I also feel that honesty and communication are at the top of my list.
I hate liars, how can you trust someone who denies something you know is true ?
How can you ever trust them again ? What else have they lied about ?
Jane, Thank you for helping to open my eyes. I still have so much healing and rediscovering of myself to do, it wont be easy but its better than taking his abuse and never knowing hour to hour how I am going to be treated by him.
Lots of love and respect.
Exactly, Claire; so, so much better!
I have a stressful life of low income and 3 daughters, my boyfriend helps a little, but keeps his distance for the most part. After 3 years, I still feel alone, and honestly don't think I want to deal with the complications of a man in the house pushing his will around, on top of my already stressful day. I believe true love would take initiative, be right there with me through each day, desire to see me every chance he gets, and would conquer my fear or distaste of men. This guy doesn't none of that. Thank you for this article to keep me looking for something real
Kindness is not always appreciated. By the wrong person, it can be exploited or mocked. Or by someone who seemed right for awhile. But, if it is in your heart then share it. As difficult as that sometimes can be.
I so hear you, Wayne. The inspiration for this post came from one of my male coaching clients who is such a kind man with so much to offer, yet he, too, was questioning whether "kind" was a negative, rather than a positive quality. How sad that this is how far we've gone in the opposite direction from our truest hearts and souls that know without a doubt that kindness is a positive quality to be loved, and valued, and appreciated, and sought out above all else!
Don't let this experience change you, Wayne. It is only that she wasn't able to receive this, that she isn't able to embrace herself with her own kindheartedness that would have made her value your kindness for its priceless value. For someone who loves and values herself, your qualities will be more than appreciated; they will be sought after and valued beyond anything you've experienced before. Don't change this; embrace it and value it. And when you come across someone who values this in you, this is how you will know!
Since joining the "Jane movement" ::-) I have completely changed my views, vision and list. Tall, dark and handsome are now at the bottom of that list. Once I realized what was really important to me and started focusing on that, there was a different kind of attraction to a different type of man. I am now dating again, all really good quality men with values that I find important, kind, loving, attentive, forgiving and positive. I'm having a wonderful time. Never dating more than 1 man at a time but I am certainly enjoying getting to know the kind of man that I "need" instead of "want". Thank you thank you thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.
So glad you're seeing this so clearly for yourself, Sheryl. How your words inspire me, they remind me so much of my own! Learning to recognize true kindness, valuing it enough to place it at the top of your list instead of all those other things we think are the "must haves" but are only the delusions of a programming that has nothing to do with our deepest needs and desires. Love reading your words, you've absolutely got this!
Hi Jane
Great word: kind.
Although I must admit i have never ever really had a top list. I also
Look for the man who is respectfull and who makes me smile. A man who can look
Into my eyes and talk to me.
I must admit I still have not met a kind guy. And Somedays i feel like "where is he" and some days I do not
Even think about it... Because I am then doing and living.
I some times feel like. Why do I want or need to have a man? What's up with that Maris? Why are in such rush.
It feels like a panic attack sometimes haha
Now I must admit talking to kind women and men in general. Are more open and I feel more comfortable
To share my thoughts. Wether grumpy women and man scare me away. They make me feel like running away.
It feels like they suck just the energy out of you.
Now my look towards friendship changed. Why would you want to hang out with grumpy folks. Life is already sometimes tough. Kinder peopler are more fun.
This is a hard lesson for me, but I am trying to see it positive. To see it
As a challenge to meet new people.
It took me a long while to admit it and develop it. I am a kind women, maybe too kind!
I wish I will be more kind to myself. And sometimes i have to remind myself in a conversation
"Heyyy Maris lets stay kind!!"
Bless you Jane.
How kind of you haha 🙂
oh so true, Maris! What we discover in our romantic relationships holds true for ever single one of our other relationships - negativity and, as you say, "grumpiness" brings us down and drains away so much of our energy! Look for kindness, go where you find it, where you see evidence of it, and it is there you will find what you are looking for in friendship, in love, in the kind of calm places where nothing matters as much as how we treat one another. When you make that a habit, being kind to yourself flows much more easily and becomes a natural response to yourself, to your imperfections, to your humanness that makes you the beautiful woman you are! 🙂
The arrival of your advice on putting kindness as a most high priority meshes with my situation in life far more than coincidentally. I recently met a man via an internet website and we have been visiting via phone at length for several weeks. One thing that has struck me most strongly about him is his kindness to me and family members. We do seem to share a number of common interests and values. We are going to actually meet later this week. At this point we can make some assessment on what actually is there for us to pursue. Whatever goes, friendship is in place. I hope there is the potential for even more.
All this comes just a few months after an ended relationship that left me devastated and no wonder, because, after careful thought, I realize that this relationship brought me the happiest moments of my entire life. It has been very hard to move on, though the happy memories are mine to keep. In many ways this man was kind, but not in the way he ended things.
I must have faith that bright and happy moments and a good and lasting relationship will come about in my life, perhaps even with this new guy who has already proven his kindness.
I am very thankful to be on the receiving end of the insight that I receive from you Jane. I wish others well as they move to further enlightenment and realized happiness with a partner.
Bee
I'm so glad this post resonated with you, Bee. "Whatever goes, friendship is in place." - What a beautiful way of looking at this, for when friendship forms the foundation of any relationship, there is something solid to build from if both people are open to it and are on the same page, looking for the same thing with each other. Thank you, Bee.
You always could relate Jane! I just received this long e-mail from someone I tried to connect with but now I'm not sure 'coz this means a long distance relationship and to summarize it, it's what women, I, myself is looking for, A GREAT LIFE OF LOVE he said. Looking for simple pleasures and not so simple pleasures in life, believing that you do have to enjoy life to the fullest; you never know when it could end. I know Betty above have mentioned and I agree that COMMUNICATIONS is the key. I don't feel anything for someone I just met or talked to but I'm not sure if I'll give it a chance? Thanks!!
Almost all of the best relationships develop over time, Elle, getting to know each other over the course of real time with real life experiences, finding out what someone's really like and discovering if you're compatible in the ways that matter most and if everything else is workable. We've been so programmed to believe we have to feel that "spark" if it's worth giving it a chance, but the truth is that "spark" is more about our anxiety and triggers that have nothing to do with whether someone is going to be compatible with you in the long run and everything to do with a short-term attraction that may come on strong, but fizzle out all too fast if there's nothing more of substance there. If there's enough of the qualities you're looking for to give you a reason to give him a chance over at least a couple of dates, then I always encourage you to do that. Taking things slow, getting to know someone who has the real qualities you're looking for is the way you find out if there's something there. Even if it doesn't always look like we expect it to!
Thank you for bringing clarity on this one Jane. And youre right again, kindness in a man is the one quality which will never go away. All the rest will follow. Thank you for another inspiring post.
Exactly, Ann. You're so very welcome!
A Psychologist once told me "It's not how you feel HIM about that is most important, it's how he makes you feel about YOURSELF when you are with him" That wise insight has always stayed with me. How often we don't truly like the person we love, if we are being honest with ourselves.
Another very revealing way to judge a man's true character is to observe how he treats those "less significant" people around him. Like the waitress serving you dinner, the store clerk, the cab driver. Also how does he treat members of his own family?
So true, Lee Ann, we can be so focused on him that we forget about ourselves. Thank you for adding these points; they are so telling.
"How he treats you" and "How he is with you" ENOUGH SAID!!!
Glad this resonated with you, Real Davis. It's the simplest things that can be the ones we most easily overlook. 🙂
Kind should always be the first and foremost because unlike looks, it doesn't change with time. Sometimes the most attractive people are the ugliest inside.
So very true, Jackie!
So true, Jackie. I agree. I have met many attractive people that have simply really damaged personalities. The worst part is that it is sometimes not so easy to see.
Hi Jane,
Thank you for sharing. I have thought about it and realize kindness is key to any relationship.
However, on my list, I have on the top good communicator. Someone who values communication. I always thought, if we can talk and be able to connect, we can discuss issues as they come, be it financial, health, sex etc, you will find an understanding to all this, the communication is key to me.
Others are hardworking, patient (I am impatient) financial stable, someone we share the same interests values and beliefs.
"I always thought, if we can talk and be able to connect, we can discuss issues as they come, be it financial, health, sex etc, you will find an understanding to all this, the communication is key to me." - I couldn't agree more, Betty. It's what makes all the difference in how you handle anything and everything, from the smallest of differences to the most important decisions you'll make together, communication is so key. You've just given me a great topic for a post since learning to communicate well is more of a learned art than anything else and we all always use some tips on this. Thank you!
I have thought a lot about this recently since it was the one thing most people told me to look for in a husband when I was young, but at the time I felt that was settling. Now many years later I understand why, personally I would say the one trait to look for is character. I feel this covers so much more depth that is required to build a life with someone than just kind. I have met many kind people in my life and some of them while kind don't have much more going on - they don't necessarily have the ability to support and they can sometimes be a doormat letting people and life run over them. Character on the other hand represents someone of strength who does the right thing. He is kind, respectful, has integrity but also the fortitude to be the person you want on your side when life gets difficult.
You've expressed this concept of "character" so beautifully, LJ. Thank you for sharing this. I completely agree with you!
Greetings Jane
My Man List Top 5
1. Trust worthy
2. Confident Honorable Man
3. Compassionate clever Quirky lover
4. Hard Working Handy Man
5. Be open and accepting to EVOLVE with ME
Until the day he arrives. I'm having a blast just dating. No FWB No FB No Casual Anything.
Just dating to get to know me better. 1 Love, Sharri
"Just dating to get to know me better." - Love these, Sharri!
Trusting and loyal I would like to add
Absolutely, Vanessa!
I've always kept a list of what I want in a guy, I want mine to be rich, kind, sweet, caring, n that I want him to be in my age gap 26 - 32 n is still, dark n handsome n tall & I don't mind if he's upto my shoulders, n I also want someone who I have a few things in common & that he's clea, funny, smart n cheeky. I have 50 things on my list, when there's a guy I like I make sure to see what boxes he ticks n the 1 who broke the friendship off early this year got my score 46/50 n he ticked all the boxes what I wanted. The less score 20/50 is not the right 1. When it comes to thinking of the future from time to time I picture myself with the guy i like n think do I want his last name when married n my future is to be married with no kids. The last guy who I left alone year he's replied thanks... On his birthday n It thought me a lesson on what happens I leave someone I like alone & I felt attracted coz I shared the same cultures as him n had 40 things in common n it felt like he was the right 1 for me & he was in my age gap n I was attracted to careness like it's ok & his voice.
Focus on the things that matter most in the long term, Courtney, and you'll find that everything else falls into place. 🙂
I wholeheartedly agree. The word has always been in my list and it is always the first word that comes to mind when I think about what I would like. Somehow, I haven't really been attracted to kind men. The men I have been attracted to seem kind at first, but I have ended up hurt every time. Maybe I don't really see the difference between who is genuinely kind and who just seems kind. I don't know anymore. I feel so confused I don't know what to expect anymore. I would love to meet a wonderful man, but I feel as if I can't right now. I feel so exhausted, so dried, so weak I just need some time off. I don't exactly like being all by myself, but I feel so fragile and ashamed that I don't know if I could give anything good to anyone now.
The kinder we are to ourselves, Angel, the more we find the ones who are genuinely kind. You always have something beautiful to offer, and in your own time, you'll see this clearly for yourself. For now, just hold yourself gently, lovingly, kindly and see who and what comes across your path. Our greatest work is only to realize for ourselves that you are absolutely already who and what you're looking for.