Why is it always so hard to "just move on"?
It’s because you can’t move on from you.
You can’t move on from what you should have done differently, what you should have known, what you should have seen, what you should have been.
It tears at your heart and soul every time you begin to think of anything else.
If only I hadn't __________ (you fill in the blank with your own words).
If only I had __________ (you fill it in again).
Along with the heartbreak comes so much blame, so much shame, so much finger pointing, but underneath whoever or whatever you’re struggling to let go of, lies the reality that this is so much about you.
It comes naturally, this blaming ourselves when something doesn't work out, this pattern we've fallen into over the years. It begins innocently enough with someone else blaming us for not knowing better, but eventually, it becomes our own pattern. Disguised as something else, but always about ourselves.
You can’t move on because you’re not done with you yet.
You have one more thing to say to yourself, one more lesson to give yourself, one more thing to hang onto before you’re ready to say “enough”.
So what if instead of fighting it, you allowed yourself to accept it instead? To accept that there’s something you’re not done with here that’s holding you here. What if you took yourself in your arms and held you close enough to whisper “it’s OK” in your ear?
What if instead of beating yourself up for still going back there, for still thinking and talking about it, you accepted this too about yourself. And didn't instantly gravitate back to that familiar pattern of thinking there must be something wrong with you since you can’t move on, can’t go back, and can’t seem to do anything that anyone tells you to do to feel better.
You know what? You don’t answer to anyone besides you.
You’re the only one you have to be able to live with. So whatever anyone else says you should be able to do, whatever anyone else thinks about how long it’s taking you to move on with your life, they’re not you.
Because of all the things that contributed to my feeling like there was something so wrong with me as I was going through my share of heartbreak, not even the heartbreaks themselves, but the feeling I always had that I should be farther along than I was, that I should be able to just let go and move on, was the one that always did the most damage. After all, was my reasoning at the time, if everyone else seemed to be able to do it, what on earth was wrong with me?
And do you know where that led? To more of the same!
Not to the real changes I was seeking, not to the real answers I was looking for, but instead to more of this self-loathing, more of this harshness towards myself, more of this feeling of hopelessness that I would never get to where I needed to be because there was something inherently flawed in me.
It’s why we feel so lonely, so alone in what we’re going through because we leave ourselves; we desert ourselves right when we need to love and accept ourselves the most.
Because there’s no one who treats us the way we do when we hold ourselves to these unrealistic standards we set for ourselves.
These standards don’t take into account where we are right now, they don’t consider how much we've been through and yet how far we've come. Our standards have no grace in them, only judgment.
And we’re our own harshest critics.
We reflect the voices we’ve carried with us since our first beginnings in the world, where we learned what was wrong with us, before we learned what was right.
So just for a moment, let’s do things different this time.
Let’s accept where we are in our journeys.
Let’s give ourselves the grace to make "mistakes", which aren’t really mistakes as much as they’re our personally tailored learning experiences.
Let’s accept that we’re doing the best we can with what we know and we’ll do better next time as we come to know more.
Let’s stop hating ourselves by our actions and our words, and instead start showing ourselves a little love and compassion for where we’re starting from.
And then, let’s talk about moving on.
When you’re ready, in your own time, when you can see things more clearly on your own terms, not on anyone else’s.
This acceptance of ourselves, this compassion towards ourselves is so foreign to so many of us who've only ever known what we’re doing wrong or what we need to do different.
You’ll get there, I promise you will. You’ll get where you need to be sometime soon, but the way to do it isn't by repeating this familiar pattern of harshness and judgment that doesn't serve anyone well, let alone you with your sensitive, tender heart.
Start where you are, start with what you know.
Is it loving? Is it compassionate? Is it the truth?
If it’s not, it has no place in your life. You can’t expect anyone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated until you change this way you insist on treating yourself.
It always starts with you!
Since breaking up with this guy, I have learnt just how insecure I am. I am so insecure. Even when I was dating him, I worried that he was too good for me. And I still believe that. How is anyone else ever going to top him? See, these thoughts I'm having are exactly what you talk about here. I need to work on feeling better about myself. Maybe then I can move on. I really hope I can.
Someone will top him who is right for you, Sophie, who has the qualities you're looking for and is also looking for you! There's no one who's ever too good for you unless you believe he is. Remember that part. It's you who determines this, not him.
wow i thoiught i was all alone my brain does not want me to move on i punish my self on a daily basis its kiliing the person i truly am and i cant talk to others cause they are bias towards me cause there family or friends so im stuck in this and i cant even smile or laugh without feeling guilty that im doing something wrong why does heartbreak have to be so brutal? i want to crawl in a hole and jus let time pass but i have obligations and bills that just dont allow that at this time. my life is in shambles and im searcing all over the world wide web for help at this time in my life and it like one big mess with no bright light at the end of the tunnel that dark hole is looking pretty good for a big man like me to just cry my heart out until it stops....here i go god help me
You're never alone, Jason. Let those tears flow; there's healing behind them. It's how we begin to heal. Don't hesitate to get the help you need to get you through this. There is and will be another side, no matter how dark it feels right now. Don't fight the going through.
Why is it so hard to move on? I need to but not sure how...can some one help me please! I'm tired of being angery in tired of the hurt.I want to move on..I'm just not ready yet..but I need to..
When you're ready, when it's time, it will become much more clear to you, Lacy. Reread this when you are, it will help you see what you need to do and why it's so difficult to do.
I can relate to most responses. My difference is although I'm 50+ the heart does not change. I was in a 15 year relationship (last 3 years) engaged to a man 9 years my junior. My greatest fear came true. I feel (although I keep my physical being in good shape) I had grown too old. He dumped me 5 days b4 Xmas 2013 and suggested that I move on as he. I was devastated, shame and felt a deep sense of "disconnect". I allowed him to be my "world". that's what he demanded and I submitted. I'm eight months into this breakup. I NEVER call him. why should I? but he consistently calls, text and wants to visit but claims he has moved on. I went away for two months and he was OUTRAGED. I'm healing slowly day by day through my "belief" and trust in the Lord. It has been my ONLY salvation. For the first time I am realizing my worth (I never did b4). I still have moments of insecurity and discontent, but I began focusing on a "higher" power than myself, trying to GO right thru the storm instead of side stepping it, forgiving myself, and desperately trying to forgive him. He blames ALL on me and I accepted all blame for too long. Every day is a challenge, but a new day and I won't allow myself to be so vulnerable and agreeable again. I've met SEVERAL men but have decided I'm not ready for a relationship yet. Maybe fellowship or friendship. I've got too much work to do on myself for ME b4 I give my heart away again and I WILL! Many blessing to each of you on your new journey or awareness and loving yourselves!
Thank you for sharing your story, Jo. It sounds like you've been through a lot with this man, and took on so much more than was yours to take on. You've got this now, you're the one doing the choosing, and the confidence that comes through in your words is beautiful and inspiring to read. One day at a time is exactly how this happens with each and every day being a brand new day to put into practice what we're learning to be our own truth. You've got this!
It's been 5 months and there isn't a day I don't think of him or what could've been if he opened his eyes!!!! Since he left I've had txts saying I asked you a hundred times to come with me but it wasn't what we had planned together, he moved for his own selfish reasons but wants it all. My head tells me over and over this man cannot give me the peace and security of what a relationship needs but it's my heart that keeps me in this limbo thinking as time goes by he will finally step up. It's been 3 weeks since contact from him and there has been times I've nearly txt him but I haven't. Since being part of janes blog I've stepped out of my comfort zone and had lunch with a female work friend, I know it may seem strange I say this but I felt anxious but went through with it anyway, I'm going to find a new place to rent and sign another lease .. It doesn't feel good because I'm used to the turmoil and crisis with him and it feels alien not having that or the crumbs he fed me but I'm going to do it anyway, a fresh start with some sort of normality even though I don't want to because I am waiting for him to come get me as he promised. Time to take control of my life and find the me I was before this. Thank you and bless you all you help me do much
It doesn't sound strange, Sandy. It's how we do this. We take it one step at a time, through the uncomfortable, anxious feelings because it's new, it's different, it's not focusing on the usual him but on us instead, and that takes courage and time to get used to this new way of being! The more you focus on you, the more you take these tiny steps which feel so big right now towards a new focus on you and your life and creating a life for yourself so you can feel who you are and what you're all about and what you so deserve, this will get easier. What feels so foreign or "not so good" will go away and become more comfortable as you step out like this into your own beautiful light and see all that you are and all that you can do. Think of how far you've come already in such a short time, Sandy! You're seeing this, you're taking that chance on you, and it's absolutely beautiful to see! 🙂
Sometimes we make someone so special in our mind that we can't let go. In truth, no one is really all that special.
So true, Jackie. It's that pedestal we put someone on when no one belongs there in the first place.
I think the reason it is so hard to move on after a failed relationship, is because we can't let go of the hope of the guy changing his mind and coming back to us. If we let go of the hope, that means it is really over. Finished. That is very hard to face. So holding on to the hope, sort of makes us feel that we still have a foot in the door, that the guy might come back.
oh so true, Adrienne. That hope! It's such a beautiful quality we possess, but we use it with the wrong people. Except we don't believe they're the wrong people at the time. I so hear you, that one foot in the door, that maybe, that one in a million chance that seems so close at hand, we'll put our lives on hold for it, and it's exactly why we stay so attached to the detriment of our beautiful selves.
Hi
O how lovely this article is. Just gives me a shower of calmness !
It is difficult because of our patterns and sometimes we are
Not aware of our behaviour. This was in my case..
Sometimes people, for me it was a dear friend who said
" you are to picky or strong probably, thats reason why you are single".
I am more now in a space where I am ok where I am.
Yes I am single, and yes their is nothing wrong with me!
Quote:
And we’re our own harshest critics.
Exactly! When I was more closed/introvert I was more
Critical towards my self! Lord i could just get obsessed with
All the "not good enough " parts of me... And feel sad & weird! And be like
... Thats why I am single...
Which really was mean towards myself.
Through a bit of counsling and reading blogs like Janes.. And books.
I found more out who I was. And nit even my best friend
Understands this me. And indeed I do not need to answer anybody,
But myself!
I hope my love for me grows! That i will keep practicing compasion.
And if I meet the man , he is
Welcome in my life. While doing more activities now which I enjoy.
I am every day more happy...
So glad this resonated with you with a sense of calm, Maris. Compassion, compassion and more compassion. We're all so long overdue. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and I'm so glad you're seeing this so clearly now for yourself!
Yes it is compassion. How easy to feel or create compassion for another person or animal.:.
For me , myself it is a daily practice.. Compassion for myself...
Sometimes i have to get used to being so kind and thoughtfull towards myself!
But let me create this habit into a lifestyle...
Compassion..
Absolutely, Maris! It's a habit we all need to create to free ourselves from all the awful things we say and do to ourselves simply because we forget to have compassion on the one person who needs it more than anyone else; ourselves. But without it, we stay in exactly the same place we vow to never be in again because we don't realize the power behind this one action. So simple, yet so difficult to do until we do exactly as you say here and make it a daily part of our lives.
I really still love this man. We broke up because of his mom being in the hospital and my partner could not shear his time with me and his mom. We argued a lot over this because I hardly saw him. She is still in hospital. I offered to go with him, ever time he went to visit her but he said no. He would say to me when she is a little better. It's been 3 months and she is doing much better. He just ended the relationship with me and said that he needs time. He never text me or talks to me on the phone any more. He said that I must wait for him and we can still get back together some day or he will get back to me. I still have all his clothes in my house. I don't know if his trying to block any man coming here to see me. But I am not there yet to have a new relationship. He said to me it is all my felt that things are the way they are. I know at the time he was highly stressed. I really don't know what to think. He was the best guy I ever had and he just turn 380 degree's in the oppersite diriction
He said no. He said he needs time. He never texts or talks to you anymore. He said it's your fault. But he said you "must wait for him" for "some day". These are your words, Charmaine. No matter how stressed someone may be, these words are very clear. You deserve to hear words - and see actions - that say something very different from these, but you have to be the one to realize this.
Moving on is a process of time that can only be measured by the person who needs to move on. It is hard to let go of someone or something that became important to you. When you can let go, accept it isn't about you I think you can allow yourself time to heal, go through the grieving process of loss. Forgive yourself and them. You might never move on, you just accept whatever might be around the corner and learn from it. Accepting who they are but more importantly accepting who you are as well, giving yourself what you need... Which might be more or less time to move on.
I love reading your emails, they are part of my support system that help me with my broken heart.
Thank you, Dori. So true, your words here that show just how much you feel and care. Always here for you 🙂
I am struggling to move on because of the guilt I am feeling, im thinking maybe I did not try hard enough, if only I had more patience, if only I did not give up so easily, if only that's all I keep thinking about. trust me its really hard to pick myself up and get going when all my thoughts are just what I could have done differently.
Merissa, I tried too hard. Gave her all the attention, was engaged, kind and caring towards her. I never took her for granted. It still all fell apart. Don't be so sure you are at fault.
If they could have made a difference, things would be different, Merissa. He always knows what you think you didn't say or do. It never matters even though we hold on so strongly to the belief that it would have. It wouldn't. Be with you right where you are. Take your time. In time, you will see this, too.
Maybe by wishing to get over it, we are trying to be people who care less. Caring too much is as bad as caring too little. But she cared very little and I cared a lot. She weathered this storm far better then I. I am still in shock. But would I want to be like her? Absolutely not.
"But she cared very little and I cared a lot." And that's how you know that you were both on two different pages, Wayne. Find comfort in that! You can't be happy living your life with one person caring very little and the other caring a lot. It won't work. The shock is only that we think we can do something to change someone else by being something that we think will make the difference to them. So much pain, so much work, so much we do to ourselves when the reality is we are never meant to live our lives trying to make someone see something they're not capable of seeing for themselves. They're not the ones we want to be with.
Thank you Jane. That article was very motivating. I agree with everything you said completely. I will hold on until I reach my final breaking point before I actually walk away. And as a woman, I always have to be the one to walk away. Men always come back and will stick around as long as you let them.
There is also another contributing factor as to why it is so hard for me to let go. My first relationship ended in a way that was uncontrollable. My boyfriend was killed when I was a teenager. This is where all the psychological issues began. Now I am so terrified to loose someone I care about. I fear that I will never talk to them again. I come from a small family and when I let someone in my life I don't ever want to let them go. I want to spend as much time with that person as I can. I hate starting over and I am fearful to let anyone in because I don't want to have to let them go if it doesn't work out. Unfortunately, now a days most relationships don't work out. So...that's why I spend most of my time single.
I'm so sorry for that difficult loss you went through, Jana. I can't imagine how much that affected you. It is more difficult to work through something that holds such a traumatic emotional place in your heart and memory, but these other men that come in your life are not him. Try to separate them from him. Try to remind yourself that this is about you being on the same page as someone and it takes awhile to find that out. Take your time to let someone in, approach dating as an adventure and not a dreaded starting over that makes it feel like this time has to be the one. That kind of pressure is hard on anyone, and difficult to live up to. Hold on to what you want to hold onto, but don't wait to reach your final breaking point before walking away. You don't have to prove anything to yourself or anyone else; this is about you, your life, and living it in a way that you can live with.
It was a wonderful email, why is so hard for me to move on good question ?
I thing is hart to move on and let him go becouse I miss his Conpany I miss everything about him and even do I know very well he dosent feel the same way about me is still very difficult.
In the end of the day the pain I have is inside of me and the only one who is been hurt is me time will let things go is only 3 weeks since we stop talking and have no intentions of coming back with him or look for him or put my self on a situation that I am not going to be happy about it.
Thank you
Awesome artical....as usuall! There is no way "around" moving on. You must go "through" it-pain and all. 3 months later and I am still going thru it. I've been going out, have my life back but that doesn't take away the hurt. HOWEVER, it has lessened with each week. Take the time to learn from the "letting go" experience. It's amazing what wonderful things you can learn about yourself. Jane is so right! This is just a part of the journey. If you had a flat tire while you were on vacation, would you end your vacation? Of course not, fix it and move on to the better times. Good Bless all the beautiful woment out there.
So true, Sheryl. Love your attitude; take as much time as you need. You're seeing this. 🙂
Thnx Jane its very true and your words s so touchy. I am trying to accept wht happnd and trying to frgve myself and move on. Whtever happn is nt my fualt and i have the rite to feel this pain coz i was hurt. Its is nt my fualt he hurt bcoz mayb he was hurt before or he hurt me just bcoz he s evil and what happnd is really not my fualt and i will accept myself coz i cldnt cntrl wht so ever happn. I wil accept myself forgive myself anr move on. Rather than holding the pain in my chest and hurting nyself more. I cldnt cntrol his actions. But i cn cntrol mine.
Exactly, Tertu; you're not here to control anyone else or manipulate a situation to what you think is best for you. If someone is truly compatible with you, you will know by how he treats you and because you won't have to try to control him. You're the only one you can control and you deserve to be loved, not in pain!
Thank you jane for your words of wisdom and encouragement ...I called an agent today and I'm viewing a property tomorrow ... It's close to work and I am starting to spend time with my fellow workers and I'm going to choose to believe I am moving in the right direction. One step at a time one day at a time but I am determined to create a more peaceful life for myself without pain and turmoil... The blinkers are definitely off and I believe in time my heart will catch up with my head! This blog is awesome and so helpful and I am so grateful to have found it...
I'm so excited for you, Sandy. One step at a time is the only way we do this. I'm right there with you!
I suppose all of us ended up here because we have the same kind of issues, but I am very happy I read that. I have been in 2 long unhealthy relationships.
I am still asking myself, why?
I think I love myself, but obviously not enough.
Why did I spend that much time trying to mend those bad relationship.?
I have now finally taken some time to work on mending my relationship with myself.
I think is working, not as fast as I would love, but it's working. I love the way I am now.
It's how I used to be, but with more experience, more wisdom, more care for MY own feelings.
I decided to be "selfish ". Being selfish, has a negative connotation, yet , I have realised that I kept on thinking about me last.
So, I am selfish in a way, that I will thing about loving myself first before anyone else does.
I feel perfectly perfect just the way I am.
If you don't like me who cares, not me anymore.
A lot of people do, my 2 wonderful children do.
My life I'd now full of Love and more positive, and need to attack the financial situation now...
Love how you've discovered this for yourself, Marlene. I could go on and on about the art of being "selfish" that so many of us need to learn. It's exactly the opposite. It's how we learn to love ourselves from the places we've been and the things we've been through. You are "perfectly perfect" just the way you are.
oh wooow thank you for inspiring words from now on i will stop blaiming myself for everythnimg that goes wrong in my life instead of accepting.i will take the fear that i had in me out,thank you so much
And when you stop blaming yourself, you will see things in a whole new light, Makwena. We're not meant to live like this.
Peace & Blessings
Thank you Jane for your wonderful words of wisdom.
Being able to connect with so many people at 1 time is like touching a star in the sky.
Moving on requires courage. My heart beats stronger every moment of the day. I feel juicy and sweet. And I laugh at my own jokes. I had to take a chance to change my stuationship. I wanted my happiness back. I replaced my toxic thinking by learning different types of meditation techniques/styles. Learning to breathe in good energy helps to release built up toxins aka FEAR. Everyday I wake up and breathe in my blessings. 1 Love
And thank you for sharing what you've learned along your own journey, Sharri. "Being able to connect with so many people at 1 time is like touching a star in the sky" - Love the way you've so aptly summarized this feeling!
I'm still struggling to move on 🙁
Some times I wish I could just vanish without notifying anyone in order to forget him and move on. Because this way things will be much easier I won't have to see his face, but we got a child together which makes things for me even harder to move on or to Vanish! 🙁
Your beautiful true self is never meant to vanish, Te. Let everyone and everything else that only brings you down vanish in your own mind, so that they can lose so much of the power they hold over you and so you can shine your beautiful light in their place. You have a sweet innocent child who loves and adores you - and needs you right here right where you are. Be there for that little one, regardless of what his/her father does or doesn't do. That's where you'll find your example of unconditional love.
This article had perfect timing. I'm currently feeling a lot of shame and regret right now. My family members are all married and stable, they have homes, children, and good jobs. I've felt isolated and outcast and have been the one struggling the most emotionally. I'm currently turning 30 next week, and am nowhere near my goal for my life of owning a home, being married and having children. I feel like I wasted so much time on relationships that were unhealthy for me. I have a lot of shame about feeling like, why hasn't this stuff happened for me yet? I am in the process of trying to change my attraction pattern- let me tell you it is a lot of work! I tend to get down on myself, thinking, why is this taking so long? What's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to be committed to me? It is a hard place to be. Especially because I have always wanted it so badly. Then I have to remember that I suffered in almost every area as a child, and I have a lot of emotional pain to heal, that most people have never experienced. Going through hard times does not make you stronger- it makes you feel weaker, more vulnerable, more flawed... So there is almost 30 years of pain that I am trying to heal. I am also trying to learn what emotional availability looks like- because my family has not taught me. They have taught me to ignore my own interpretations of what is happening and to doubt my own instincts. This has lead to many years of toxic relationships. Now Im just trying to heal one layer at a time.
So glad the timing of this resonated with you, Kylie. We carry so much shame around us often we don't even realize it's there, we're just so used to feeling it. The examples of how to ignore our true selves, our true feelings, our truths are everywhere; the work of healing one layer at a time is how we do this. Be so proud of yourself for getting to this place where you can see all this for what it is; telling the truth to ourselves is one of the most difficult parts of this journey.
I've had 5 ex partners, I find it so hard to move on even with a man I like, the guy Iike told me on 4/2 to move on but I couldn't, 1 of friends kept telling me about him n asked me Qs about him n I felt annoyed with her, so I thought of giving a friendship a 2nd chance next year with the guy I like. So I plan on giving him Xmas greetings n 1 week in 2015 I plan to add him as friend compared to this years January where I got rejected on fb too much. I gave him no contact til his birthday 10 jul n he said thanks... On fb. So between now n next year I'm gonna let him add me on fb. I go to this beauty salon where my beautician met him a few times, I asked her today if she'd seen him last n she said he hasn't been back working for the windows for the salon. This year I've been keeping things simple. When it comes to talking to guys on fb I feel like I say way too much. I may get shy when I want to add this back as a friend on fb January 2015 n I would feel nervous bcoz of rejection (declined friend requests), if he was to accept me I would b stoked. Idk what he's doing now n I'm too scared to go to his fb profile bcoz there might be something on there that could get me jealous, his pic is him n his guitar n It makes me think I guess he's still single. I guess he could do more music gigs/concerts this year than his cleaning business. When I find it hard to move on from him I put him n those thoughts at the back of my mind like a filing system. I try to meet new guys now n then, I'm seeing 1 wed/thu weekly at the bus stop at the same time.
It's never easy, Courtney, but try sorting that "filing system" by what feeds your heart and soul and what leaves it wanting for more. If someone wants to be with you, you'll always know because they'll want to be with you as much as you want to be with them.
Being caught in a web of narcissism .
I hear you, Linda. It is indeed a web.