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You are here: Home / 2014 / Archives for July 2014

Archives for July 2014

Why You're Not Getting What You Want in a Relationship

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A beautiful woman is sipping coffee while talking with a man over lunch, wondering why she's not getting what she wants in a relationship.There’s a common theme to what so many of us do, something that I found myself doing not so long ago.

We know we’re looking for the whole package, and yet what we put out there, and especially what we tell a guy we’re looking for – is exactly the opposite.

It's in the subtle messages we convey with our body language and the way we dress. It’s in what we say (and don’t say) in our online dating profile when we project the image that we’re looking for a good time rather than a committed relationship, it’s what we say when he asks us what we’re looking for and we tell him we just want to see where it goes.

And, since we're so attracted to him, we find that we'll pretend we're into anything that we think will get him to want us.

It’s that old familiar pattern of believing that we need to be interested in what he’s interested in – or what we believe he wants us to be interested in – in order for him to want to be with us.

No matter how subtle it is, the message is there that it matters more whether he wants to be with us, than whether we’re actually compatible in all the ways that matter, on the same page, and looking for the same thing with each other.

Why do we do this? Why are we so hesitant to come right out and say who we are and what we’re looking for instead of holding on so tight to the story that I need him to choose me more than I need him to be compatible with me? There’s such a difference!

It’s because we think it will make us more attractive to him if he can see that we’re on the same page – as him!

It’s because it’s part of our programming that has us believing we need to be what someone else wants us to be to be loved – instead of being who we actually are.

And most importantly, it’s because we want him to like us, we want that next date, we don’t want to have to keep going through this over and over again. We want it to be him!

But when we do this, we miss the chance to build our confidence in a way that does so much more for us. By embracing who we are and what we’re looking for. By not trying to be something we’re not.

I’ll never forget the conversation I had way back when with a happily married coworker who gave me his honest opinion of why I was still single. As we sat down in the cafeteria one day at my work which just happened to be the training facility of the Fire and Police Academies, surrounded by as many police and fire recruits as any single girl could imagine.

What’s wrong with me? had been my question at lunch that day. Why can’t I find what I’m looking for? I want what you have, I told him, but all I get are these guys who can’t commit, who aren't looking for what I am, who never want what I want no matter who they are.

Do you want my honest answer? He had asked. Of course I did.

You’re saying one thing but doing another, he told me. You say you want a committed relationship and marriage and a family and the whole package, but your actions, and the way you’re presenting yourself tell an entirely different story.

So these men you’re going out with, they’re confused. They don’t know what to make of you. So you’re finding these men who are confused, too. They don’t really know what they want either and they don’t think it really matters to you.

It’s like a type of bait and switch you’re doing. While the ones who know what they want, the ones who want what you say you want, aren't giving you a second look because they’re not going to waste their time with someone who isn't sure of what she wants.

And with his words, the first stirrings of what was amiss began to resonate with me. Why was I so afraid to admit what it was I wanted? Why wasn't I confident in wanting the whole package?

Was it because I didn't really believe I would ever find it? Was it because I doubted my worthiness of the kind of relationship I was looking for? I cringed at the idea of coming out and admitting who I was and that I was really like all those other women who made it look so easy, but seemed so hard to me.

It was time to stop pretending, to stop playing the part for a role I didn't really want, and become the real thing. And in allowing myself to hear what someone else was seeing that I couldn't see for myself, I discovered more of the truth about me.

I wanted the real thing.

I didn't want to play games with someone who I knew in my heart wasn't looking for what I wanted.

I didn't want to settle any more for just more of the same thing, no matter how different he might look from the others.

I wasn't going to compromise any more on what I wanted in exchange for that feeling of being wanted.

What I wanted was worth more than what felt good in the short term.

So when you say I want the full package, I’m not willing to settle for anything less than I know I want, just make sure you really know what that is. Know it in such a way that you’re not going to sacrifice that dream of yours just because someone comes along who makes you feel those sparks and makes your heart beat a little faster but who makes it clear that he doesn't want what you want.

It’s only when you hold on tighter to your dreams than your desire to be loved by someone who seems to promise so much and yet deliver so little, that you'll see for yourself it’s not an either/or distinction. It’s you being unapologetically true to yourself and what it is you want for your life.

That’s how we change this.

 

Finding True Joy After Walking Away

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A beautiful brunette woman is walking down the road with her arms extended in joy, happy from the true joy she has found after walking away from a bad relationship.You may recall a letter from our beautiful friend, Layla, who reached out for support and advice back in January.

She sent me an email recently with an update on her situation and asked if I would share it with all of you.

Here it is, Layla; for you and all of our lovely readers who are going through something similar ...

Her email:

Hi Jane,

In January I wrote to you for advise on a man who was treating me less than I deserved and got such great feedback from yourself and others.

In 10 days it will mark 2 months since I finally walked away and broke the hold that relationship had over me. It has been tough, it has been sad and everything in me wanted to believe that I was not wrong, that things were going to work out.

I read all the advise that was out there on the internet, I spoke with friends and I tried to figure out what I could do to make this guy understand he was treating me wrong and for the first time I realised.... it is ok for me not to have all the answers, not to understand what went wrong.

I am sharing this with your readers because, somewhere out there, someone is in a verbally abusive relationship and they don't believe they are or, they believe if they just fix themselves it will all come right... I want my story to be used as motivation that it is ok to not know everything and it is ok to walk away, you are not giving up.

For as long as I can remember, I have had such low self esteem and allowed my past mistakes to be the reason I settled in my relationships... only to realise that I was hurting myself even more in the long run. I walked away from a guy who I still believe I loved dearly but, I loved him so dearly that I stopped loving myself and that is NOT ok.

He accused me of cheating, told me I was not attractive in order to justify his porn habit, shouted at me, called me an idiot and I soon started to believe the lies. He smoked weed every day and I found myself getting caught up in that world.

I was the only one who worked, so I was supporting two people and borrowing money from my dad to try and pay my bills. It got out of control and on the 12 May 2014, I finally said ENOUGH! I asked him to leave after a huge fight but, I made sure he knew that we were never going to talk again, no friendship... NOTHING.

Has it been hard, absolutely and anyone who tells a women it is easy is lying.

But, my motivation has been the extreme joy I have found since he left. I am not trying to find another relationship, I am focused on building myself up and doing things that make me happy.

It took a lot to accept that I was being abused and I would not accept it for a long time, believing that we were having normal fights. I cried a lot this last month, I got angry, I cursed and I missed him. BUT, I never went back and I got up and told myself that I can do this, no matter how painful.

I deleted all conversations with him on my phone and 2 weeks ago, I had the courage to remove him and his family off my facebook.

I read an article that said, keeping a man who hurt you as a friend on facebook is giving him the impression that what he did was not bad and that you may still consider being his friend in the future. That was enough for me to say, for myself I am removing him.

Firstly, thank you Jane for playing a part in me finally walking away as your blog encouraged me to be strong. Secondly, I know that it will take time to move into another relationship but when I do, I have learnt so much from this experience and know what I will and won't accept.

I am a Christian and my strength and healing has come from God, who I give all the credit to...my life is not over, it just began!

As the quote says: " Sometimes you just have to turn around, give a small smile, throw the match and burn that bridge"

-          Layla

I know so many of us understand what Layla's talking about here. If you have a similar story to share that you've gone through - or are still going through - please share it with us here in the comments.

Living and Loving Your Life

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Beautiful-woman-living-and-loving-life
We’re the only ones who can change this for ourselves.

As much as we talk about dating, and committing, and knowing how to tell if someone is right for you or not, there is one thing that underlies so many of all those conversations.

It’s about passion. It’s about love. And most of all, it’s about you.

It’s about what’s behind the creating of a life for yourself that gives you a reason to call this living your life. It’s about what’s behind what gives you something to get up and get going for every single morning instead of leaving you feeling like pulling the covers over your head and diving back under the covers until something – anything - gets better.

It’s the difference between seeing the glass half-empty, or the reality that it’s just as much half-full. It’s what gives you the strength to carry on – because you know you’re worth it – instead of giving into that relentless little voice that says you’re not.

You see, the missing piece for so many of us is having a real life for ourselves that gives us something to live for when it matters most.

We’re the only ones who can change this for ourselves. We have to want to enough to do something about it. We have to choose to live, to refuse to be a victim, to refuse to blame anyone else, to refuse to accept the path we've previously chosen as the only way to live.

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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