You know those women we all know who seem to have no problem attracting any number of men and who make this dating thing seem so effortless?
They’re the ones we’re usually comparing ourselves to, wondering what it is they have that we don’t and how we can get what they've got.
You know it’s something, you just don't know what it is. You can’t quite put a finger on it.
The first thing we go to is their looks – yes, they’re attractive, but not always in any knockout/supermodel kind of way.
Is it the way they’re dressed? The way they carry themselves? Is it their smile?
As much as we try to pin it on one particular thing or another, the answer eludes us because it’s not just about any one particular trait or characteristic. It goes much deeper than that.
It's all of those little things that can be summed up in one word:
Confidence
It’s the one thing that underlies everything else. It doesn't matter how attractive you are, how sexy you are, how amazing you are in any number of ways, if you don’t have this part down nothing else matters. Nothing.
You can focus on changing every single area of your life, but if you don’t get to the core of all the other issues in that place where your confidence lies just waiting for you to build yourself up, it won’t have the effect you’re hoping for.
You see, you can dress the part and you can act the part, but if you don’t have the confidence to carry it off then none of that fluffy stuff will matter.
And that’s why, no matter how much work you've done on yourself, no matter how much you've tried to make things different, if you haven’t gotten to the root that everything else builds on, you've missed the most important part of all.
It’s what keeps you staying in a relationship that’s not going anywhere and doesn't meet your needs.
It’s what keeps you staying with someone who isn't on the same page as you, who doesn't want the same thing as you do, and who isn't willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
It’s what keeps you settling for being someone’s fall-back girl instead of his number one priority.
It’s what keeps you believing his excuses and telling yourself lies about what’s really going on and why he won’t commit.
It’s what keeps you hoping he’s going to change even as you waste your own life away waiting for the impossible to happen.
It’s what keeps you beating yourself up, staying stuck in the past, stuck in the what if’s, the should’s, the if only’s while everyone else gets on with their lives and moves on.
It’s what keeps you asking if this is normal, if this is OK, if this is love, even as you know in your heart of hearts it isn't simply because you’re questioning it.
It’s what keeps you crying yourself to sleep at night, waiting for the call that never comes, for the words that are never spoken that you’re blaming yourself for even though none of this is about you.
It’s what keeps you going back for more, for just one last time, in the hopes that this time it will be different, even though you say this every time.
It’s what keeps you jumping back into bed with him just one last time in the hopes that selling your body and soul to him one last time will make him see what he’s missing.
It’s what keeps you calling this love when there’s nothing loving about it.
It’s what keeps you from seeing the reality of what is, instead of defending the fantasy of what you so want it to be.
It’s why nothing changes.
It’s why you don’t even know who you are anymore because you've become what someone else wants you to be.
I know. I've been there, too. I thought I had it all, but I didn't.
It was all the exterior stuff that just made it seem that way, but underneath all the fluff was the most insecure little girl who had no idea of her worth. If anyone knew what it felt like to live one’s life motivated by guilt and shame, it was me.
Deep down underneath that exterior that exuded a false type of confidence, there was the little girl who had been picked on in grade school, who had been given messages that she was never good enough for the unrealistic expectations everyone else had for her, and who had no idea who she was without validation from some outside source that she was pretty enough, or smart enough or enough of anything else.
But to herself, she was anything but enough. And that’s what came through every time when there was anything more required than the usual fluff.
Until I finally figured it out for myself. There wasn't anything wrong with me! I was perfect just as I was. I didn't need anyone to accept me; I just had to learn to love and accept myself. I didn't need anyone to complete me; I just needed to learn how to fill my own cup to overflowing.
The past was the past; I couldn't change where I had been and what I had been through; I could only accept it and begin right where I was. In that silent space where no one seemed to hear me, let alone God or the Universe or anyone else that I could believe in.
And it was then I started taking stock of who I was.
I started making a list of my own best qualities.
I started making a list of everything I had to offer.
I started questioning what was my stuff and what was someone else’s that I’d only been carrying for far too long.
I started giving back anything that wasn't truly mine.
I started setting boundaries – the most difficult part of all when you haven’t learned where you end and someone else begins.
I started saying no – and staying with myself through the uncomfortableness of that no.
I started saying yes – and staying with myself through the uncomfortableness of trying new ways of seeing and new ways of being.
I started questioning the very things I had taken as truths before simply because all I ever knew was to adopt someone else’s way of thinking in order to be loved.
I stopped answering to anyone else but me.
I finally started to see the real me.
And as I went through the process – the same one that I put together in my program to share with you – something happened along the way.
I began to put together a life that was mine and mine alone. I stopped pleasing everyone else just to be loved no matter how much resistance I received from the ones who weren't ready for me to change. I took my own power back and recognized that this was about me this time, and not about me keeping everything harmonious.
I discovered what I was passionate about and got involved in those thing that made me feel alive – and confident. And the more I did them, the more I surrounded myself with people who brought me up instead of down.
The more I pushed myself to get out and follow my dreams and try all those things I’d been told I couldn't do, the more I found out what I could do! The more I discovered my own power, my own confidence!
So that when someone was looking for someone just like me, there was a me for them to find. Not just an outer shell with nothing real underneath, but a real person with so much to offer and so much to give. The real me.
And just like me, there's a real you underneath all of this stuff that's not really you. All this stuff that you've layered on to try to be what you think they want. But what the real guy, the one who's right for you, really wants is the real you.
And the best part is that the easiest way to be confident, truly confident, is to uncover that real self, your true essence, and let it shine for all the world to see. I give you all of the tools to do just that (and more) in my program Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU!
If' you're ready to have the kind of love in your life that you've always wanted, then click here to check it out.
What about you? What’s holding you back from the confidence that is waiting for you to find it? What feels uncomfortable about this? That’s what I want to hear about so we can get to the root of this together! Share your questions and your struggles with us in the comments!
Today I was finally able to say the truth. I said that I deserve to be honored, respected, to be in a relationship that supports my burgeoning self-esteem. I said that it is not ok for him to go out and have sex with other women, get phone numbers from other women, etc and attempt to maintain any type of relationship with me. I said that I deserve to be in a relationship that makes me safe physically and emotionally and that this one does not. He said that he cannot promise that he will not get other phone numbers or stop having sex if it is offered by other women. I said then if that is the case we will need to end our relationship. He was stunned to silence. He sat there for a while just holding my hand and then said, "Well, I don't know what to do from here." The thought loud and clear in my dead was, "You have got to be kidding!" But I just said nothing and kept praying for God's Will. My lunch hour was up so he dropped me back at work and I continued to let him own all of it. I did not make one move to take any of it back from him or make it better. I did not rush in to hug, comfort, or say "I love you." I just left it there with him where it belonged and got out of his truck. I feel relieved that I finally said it all....and I feel sad that I had to say it at all. And I feel me hugging myself inside and telling myself that I DO deserve a relationship with someone who will not trade my open loving heart for a one-night stand and then come back and declare "love" for me and put my health at risk by sleep with me! And I deserve someone who honors me.
You've said it all, Deborah! Be so proud of yourself; I know just how much courage that took! And the biggest part of all that you may not even realize, is the fact that you "continued to let him own all of it." and then you "just left it there with him where it belonged and got out of his truck." That's a woman who knows her own worth!
Jane, I could not have done this with out you. You taught me so much in such a short time. Today is a new day and I am bursting with feelings. I was remembering this wonderful little girl.....me so very long ago....It was my first Halloween celebration at school with other children and my mother took me to the store to pick out my costume. I looked at everythings and I chose a donkey costume because it appealed to my sense of humor and my draw to things that are different. I was so excited to wear it and go to school and share it with the kids there. But that morning when I got to school I saw that all of the other little girls were dressed as princesses or fairies or ballerinas and I was immediately ashamed and embarrassed. During our little parade I held my face away from everyone so they could not see me. This morning I want to put my arms around her and tell her how proud I am of her willingness to think outside the box, of her humor and her intelligence and all of the things that make her unique. I want to cover her with kisses until she giggles out loud and wipe away her shame and her tears and hold her hand and skip down the street even though people are looking at us strangely. This is the person I want to invest in. She is so wonderful and has been so lonely for my company for a very long time.
I'm so glad this memory came back to you, Deborah, so you can finally give her the response that she deserves - the only one! - and not the one she received by those who didn't know any better at the time. Celebrate her; this is exactly the person you want to invest in! And watch her thrive, watch her shine, watch her do what no one else could imagine she can do. It's time to get her back, to build her up - to affirm and support her in everything she does that is different from the rest, that is her beautiful unique self! Keep changing those memories, Deborah; there's so much healing to be done!
I'm just thrilled this is all coming up for you. Know that I might have planted the seeds, but it's you who deserve all the credit for taking them and being open to receiving them and becoming the woman you've always been meant to become. This is you!
Thank you so much yet again Jane, for reminding me just how wonderful I am right now 🙂
I love your positivity and I totally understand when Deborah talks about the high heels etc. I've lost count of the times I've worn short skirts, high heels and little tops and attracted all the WRONG attention. I also used to be in so much physical pain and also mental pain, trying to be good enough for those guys! Give me flat pumps and comfy but pretty clothes to wear any day! I now see those young women doing what I did and trying to prove their worth and it shows in their eyes, they look so sad and vulnerable and it reminds me of my young self and how I really just needed a hug and told I'm beautiful just as I am. Some people told me that, but I didn't believe it then. You mentioned about the shining light in us and I'm starting to see this in myself now. There's a clip in Sex and The City the movie when Samantha says something like "I love you, but I love me more" when she decides to break up with the guy she's been with for 5 years.
When I was in high school (many years ago) I felt so small and unimportant and was picked on about how neat and tidy I was and the fact that I was good at ballet dancing etc and it took years for me to realise that those people who picked on me were jealous of me and had low self esteem, just like I did, and theirs came out in a nasty way, while I stuffed my self esteem further and further down.
I'm now 4 weeks out of my three year on and off relationship and isn't it brilliant how much clarity we have when we properly start to take care of ourselves?! I hardly think about him much now and I hope it continues like that. If I do start to wonder about him, I come on here and other positive websites and read yours and other womens wonderful stories and wisdom and I remember, I'm loving me more 🙂
Love
Donna x
You're so welcome, Donna; I'm glad you got that part, because you absolutely are! 🙂
I so relate to your own story of being picked on - low self-esteem can be found at the root of so many behaviors, regardless of how it manifests itself. It always finds a way. And not until we see it for what it is, does the stuffing down cease. And for good reason; it serves no one for us to keep going there, let alone our beautiful selves!
Thanks for the reminder of that that clip ""I love you, but I love me more"! Yes, exactly! I loved that. And as much as I've forgotten about that show, that line will always be recalled by so many of us who cheered within ourselves at the very words that we've struggled to find the strength to say. I remember how brave, how, strong she sounded - at a time when I couldn't imagine actually saying those words, regardless of how much I knew exactly why she was saying them.
It is brilliant how much clarity we have we we properly start to take care of ourselves - and often not a moment before! Be so proud of yourself for getting here, Donna; it's no small thing. I'm so glad the stories and wisdom we share is helping you see that you're here, too; and loving yourself enough to see it for yourself! 🙂 You've got this!
This morning I woke up feeling the hurt as I work to disentangle myself from the last vestiges of this relationship. I was feeling the pressure I have always felt at these times in the past to do something external to make myself feel powerful...Wear really high and painful heels, Make my hair big, find the tightest fitting clothing I can in my closet, etc. I was tottering around my apartment in the heels trying to get out the door and already beginning to feel the twinges in my lower back from the strain when I stopped and asked myself "Why?" I started to cry a little and I stepped down off of the shoes and I put them back in the closet and slipped into my flats. I saw that all of the external things that I try at these times to plaster onto myself only leave me more sad and more lonely because they are actually me telling myself that there is so much wrong with me that of course he would not want to choose me! And I hear Jane saying that we need to be our own beautiful selves. And though I don't feel very beautiful this morning, and I am having trouble letting go of the idea that if he only saw me one more time in those great heels he would melt into my arms and declare his undying devotion.....I know that even if he did do that.....I could not wear those heels 24/7....and sometime I would need to come down out of them and walk flat on the ground as just me. So, here I am this morning, in my flats, with normal hair and no makeup, dressed in just my normal skirt and top doing the best I can to just be me and sitting with the sadness that I have invested so much time in this dead end relationship with someone who has tried as hard as he can to chip away at my newly flowering self-esteem and keep me down in the dark basement. glad to finally be out in the open even though it is a bit painful and a little too bright right now. I am getting used to self-esteem.
"I am getting used to self-esteem." I want to bold that, to show you what you've said so that you see so clearly what you're really saying here; how far you've truly come! You've said so much here in these words, Deborah. I cried with you as I read your process, the real-time experience of what this looks like, what it feels like, when you're open to see your own reality for what it really is. And what simply doing more of the same because it's more comfortable does to us.
I bet you're more beautiful right now than you could be any other "plastered on" way, Deborah. Because the kind of beauty we're talking about is so much more than skin deep. It's real, it's striking, it's mesmerizing. It catches you and everyone off guard because it comes from within - the way real beauty shines though. It's the only kind of beauty that someone who's truly deserving of you and all that you have to offer recognizes.
Keep asking those "why's", Deborah; they'll give you your answer every time, because they'll be your own truths if you're willing to dig deep enough to answer them. You know, you always do, even if you aren't sure if you can trust yourself, or if it doesn't seem at least a little awkward to do something different when the other pull can be so strong - and so seemingly less lonely. It's not. Don't go back, you already know what that looks like, no matter how familiar that old programming is.
This is about moving closer to the light, even if it seems all too bright right now. Stay with the brightness; you will get used to it! It's what radiates that unique light of you brightly enough so that someone who's truly right for you can see you. You're taking huge strides here, even if they don't feel like your own yet. Keep going. There's so much more richness, there's so much more life, there's so much more of you to come.
Well what makes me most uncomfortable is Me&my thoughts about
Me & my future.
Because I am exploring myself in a new way. I sometimes feel confused about
If I even want a relationship. I can feel this, I know that I am in a process and taking small steps
Toward being and feeling more me.
A guy asked me if I liked where a live. I had to say "no I am even thinking about moving away from this village" .
Well I guess that scared him off haha he did not want to date.
I said to him "I do want to have fun, do you want to go somewhere and do something ?"
He said , no I want a relationship.
Now in the past I would feel like a alien or think in a way "nobody wants me"
But No No, I think smarter. There is nothing about being truthful and knowing what
I want .
Now I live in a boring village, where you go out there are old people.
Then again I do know the feeling when your having fun and living, when the guy comes.
It is all extra.
So I need to push myself to take the bus and see other places then this boring village.
I must say internet dating is ideal, but it also keeps you indoors.
The answer is off course change the way you think hahah 🙂 it is so simple but not always
Easy to confront your own fears .
Great article!
"Now in the past I would feel like a alien or think in a way "nobody wants me" But No No, I think smarter. There is nothing about being truthful and knowing what I want." Love this, Maris!
It always comes back to our thoughts, to what we think about something which is only about our own beliefs, our own programming, and not a reflection of the reality of what is! New ways of thinking take time before they feel truly comfortable and a part of us. The easiest thing is always to stay with what's comfortable, but the only thing that gets us is more of the same.
Feel it, accept it, love yourself compassionately through it; it's in the going through that you always get to the place you're meant to be! So glad you enjoyed this, Maris 🙂
I do enjoy iT. And i am very grateful for you and your wise, kind words.
It is the most almost shocking thing when you accept and live by these new thoughts. People/friends are
Almost negative towards it. Because they are used to your "old you". Because you have more confidence
People assume that you are difficult or scared. Just because you don't pick the first guy you meet.
When you say, he is not it for me. We are not on the same page. Friends are like , girl you are difficult.
In the past it would
Confuse me. I would doubt my standards or lower them. But I am getting to know me, I should not explain myself to people around me.
Maybe it's time to make new friends as wel ! Which is scary but also exciting !
What is wrong with knowing deep down what you need from love & a man. And dating to see if it will
Happend, and live in joy.
I hope this confidence and awareness will grow inside of me. It gives me a happy feeling inside, even
If I haven't found "the right" guy!
Bless you Jane! I wish you lived near me I would have baked you a cake 🙂
Exactly, Maris. "But I am getting to know me, I should not explain myself to people around me." It's when we start explaining ourselves to others that we start to question what we're saying, we start paying more attention to their responses more than our own, and we start going down that path we just came from of doubting ourselves once again. There's no need to explain. Most don't understand. And the ones that matter, the ones that truly have your best interests at heart, won't require an explanation from you.
There's nothing wrong with what you know in your own heart is right for you, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes someone else. The only thing "wrong" is not believing in yourself and trusting yourself enough to be and do what resonates with you. That's your intuition, the voice of your soul, that always knows you and what you need more than anyone else.
Love what you're discovering here, Maris. It grows even stronger the more it becomes your own! (And I would love a piece of that cake; I'm sure we could talk for hours!) 🙂
Maris, I wish we lived near one another, because then I could be one of those people in your life who just listens to your wonderful, exciting discoveries and cheers you an and then we could go for a walk and celebrate our beautiful selves! But my ling distance support will have to do. You are so brave, and reading your posts has been, along with Jane's continued wise words, one of the things that has helped me to have the courage to finally stand up and say enough! I, too, am finally discovering the wonderful me and I love her! And in turn, I am being drawn to people who are on this same path....the ones who are not afraid to be who they are and who encourage me to be who I am. I think it makes perfect sense that we may need to jetisun more than just the male relationship from our lives as we make these new discoveries and choices. It is scary. And exciting! I feel like I am 10 feet tall today. And I feel angry and rather determined not to let anyone get away with trying to shovel more of that stuff onto me that I used to lay down and beg for. And yes, they are trying. I don't want to be mean or aggressive because that is not who I am....I just feel really determined to speak the truth and claim it. I am sending you a big, big hug if you will accept it.
Deborah ,
How lovely And kind of you! I have embraced the hug!
I send you dear thoughts & hope you stay determined. There is
Nothing powerful then stay with the truth.
Yes it would be great to walk & chat a little about our discoveries. I am glad
To hear that you are also discovering & seeing new things.
I also deal with the ups and downs. It's not always easy to stay with
The truth. But then easy can be boring 🙂
And yes we should not be aggressive or react sarcastic. Let's
Show the people around us that we love ourself and we can
Pick the words we want to say! Let's not get our Ego always do the talk .
Thanks to Jane we have now met and shared our stories , some of them speak to
Our soul & some don't . But I love to read it and sometimes get the "aha" moment.
Your story is inspiring.
Bless you Deborah!
When it comes to seeing guys i feel uncomfortable asking them out because i'm nervous that he would reject me,when it comes to his looks i note down what celebrity he looks like n sometimes i wonder what does he sound like when i want to look at him.
the last guy i met in September 13 i liked him n i was nervous meeting him n i thought he looks friendly n he had his hair like a young tom cruise hair with zac efron's eyes n was 6.0ft whereas i'm 6.2ft tall and he was upto my shoulders but he was very friendly. i felt uncomfortable nervous when i sent him my 1st txt bcoz i thought i guess i got the wrong guy, i was shy sending him a txt but then i started feeling comfortable with it in October n slowly started to become attractive n i wanted to see hime more but kept making excuses like he has work, his boss rung him etc, As Nov came i became confident in txt'ing n was ready for the next stage where he wasn't n was thinking about it as if time will tell n i asked him to come n join me for a hot chocolate at a cafe 1 friday noon n he declined n i felt as if i was pressuring myself n him bcoz i had such a bad day, i only saw him 2x in September. then early this year i saw him play at a gig in a park n i was too shy to go up n talk to him whilst he was playing, the ppl around him i didn't know until a friend told me it was his family. when he'd finish i was nervous to talk to him so he talked me n said he would talk to me later.
On feb 4 14 he said sorry for everything, he doesn't see me as his GF or a friend in his life, ife he liked spongebob he would spend time with them 2x a week for 6 months, he said he blocked my number n that told me to move on, he knew i was gonna reply back, he said he wasn't the type of guy i wanted, he said that "u might be upset, don't be because nothing happened to us" so don't reply back, just accept this as an end, don't hassle me on here, thanks.
after reading his FB message i was upset n thinking why? & i nearly relied n was gonna say "Why do u want to end this, i'm so sad, i still want to be friends with u" i was in a lot of tears
so after the 4th the next day i couldn't stop thinking about what happened the day b4 and i started going out in public n there would be bus drivers greeting me hello, have a nice day, goodbye
met 2 guys last month in my local area n i asked 1 for his number but he said no i might see u around, the other 1 had fb but no mobile. i haven't seen them
2day at the bus stop i saw this 1 guy and i had a impression thinking hmm he's cute n i was too shy to talk to him and as i got on the bus i let him choose the seat so he sat in the deat in front of me wheras i was sitting in the seat behind him n as i took a seat i sighed and he looked at me n smiled n he or i didn't talk. at 1 stage i thought he would get off at the same stop as me but he didn't.
with the last guy (above) i'm thinking does he still remember my birthday & i still want him n he's been at the back of my mind. i still remember his birthday n thinking of adding him as friend n giving him a msg saying "hi, happy birthday for 2day if my memory is correct, i would like to give our friendship a 2nd chance bcoz the 1st chance wasn't good, i'm a new person now, what u've been doing? well for me i've been keeping healthy n going out with friends etc & that i hope we can become friends again" that's my only wish
my birthday is next month. idk what to do anymore
Don't go chasing after anyone who doesn't clearly want to be with you, Courtney. When you've already tried approaching these guys, give them the space to come to you and show you what they have to offer you. It's fine to put yourself out there, but make sure it's with someone who truly has something to offer you, who shows some interest, and gives you something more than just a smile or some attention that is more about feeding his own ego than a genuine interest in you.
You have just as much to offer as anyone else, so don't put anyone up on a pedestal. You're the prize, Courtney. And when you see yourself for all that you truly are and all you have to offer someone who's truly worthy of you, you won't have to wonder what he's thinking, or where you stand. Adopt the mindset that gives you your own power back, and love yourself the way you deserve someone to love you. That's where you begin; with you. It's always where to go when you don't know what to do.