Our beautiful reader, Kayla, is getting mixed signals from a guy, which has her wondering about his true intentions. Here's her story:
Hi Jane! I have a question. And it's kind of a long story so please bare with me haha.
I'm desperate for some advice. I met this guy about 7 months ago and we seemed to hit it off very well. He was (and still is) a perfect gentleman, and he always treated me great.
I'm 20 years old, and he is 25 years old so there is a few years difference between us.
After about 2-3 months, he came across a new job opportunity that was mostly long distance (but he would be home on the weekends). Things seemed to be OK because he still kept in contact with me and told me "he missed me" and "I wish you were here", etc.
After about a 2 weeks, an even better job opportunity came along and he decided to take it. This however would require him to move away.
Now that being said, he never defined us as being in a relationship. He said we were "friends who liked each other and were 'talking'". But he would tell me on multiple occasions that he cared for me and he would never let me pay for anything when he took me out to dinner or a movie.
When he told me about this job, I'll be honest, I was upset. For the first time I really felt like someone cared for me and now he was going away. So after he took this job decision, he left for the orientation. I didn't hear hardly anything from him for about 2 weeks. (Previously we would talk to each other for hours at a time daily.)
This was very difficult for me to accept because I felt like he hated me. After a while, he finally contacted me back. Long story short, he told me that "we should just be friends". And also, he told me that he could never come back to our church again because, as he quoted: "When I end things with a girl I can't talk to them. I can't be around them, or have any contact with them."
So he said he was going to find a different church to go to. I accepted this with heart break. Now I am a Christian and I battled with this for a while. I would send him a text every now and then telling him I was praying for him with a Bible verse attached (with no expected response).
He would sometimes respond to a text every now and then but with only a little conversation. I didn't text him for about 2 weeks. I had finally accepted the fact that if he wasn't the guy for me, then God would make it to where there would be no more communication from him.
His birthday rolled around and I felt obligated to at least tell him "happy birthday" since he spent $100 on me for my birthday. Surprisingly, he responded to the text with a "thank you!".
I didn't contact him for an entire week.
The next Friday, I was about to clock in at work when I noticed a text on my phone. I quickly looked and saw that it was him. My stomach started doing flips.
He said he was coming by the store to get some things. He came through my line at the register and we made small talk for a minute and then he left. So I thought that was the end of the conversation. About 10 minutes later I looked at my phone and saw where he texted me again. He sent me a smiley face.
So I was a bit confused by this action. What did he mean?
Well I didn't text him until a week later. He kept the conversation going and we talked that Friday and Saturday. Now I would always send him nothing but encouraging texts and tell him that I'm always here for him.
That Saturday he asked me "Why are you so nice to me?" I told him that I would never want to treat someone rudely or bad. He then responded with a sad face, but wouldn't tell me why he was so sad.
To my surprise, the next day, he showed up at church. He told me that he is striving to work on his relationship with God and he wants to study some devotions with me. He actually stated that he needed my help. And ever since then, he calls me every day, or texts me every day. And lately he's been calling me multiple times a day.
He will say things like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" or how he wants a family some day and a house of his own. And when I went for a job interview, he called me to ask how things went.
He took me out to dinner recently and REFUSED to let me pay, He actually told me multiple times that I was not going to pay.
His dad has told me many times that his family didn't like the girls he previously "dated" and that he really wants me to marry his son.
Now all that being said, why would he be calling me multiple times a day, every day, if he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore?
Why would he want to take me out to dinner and not let me pay?
Why does he still call me pet names like "Sweetie", and "Hun"?
I know he was in a serious relationship years ago and he had his heart broken really bad, but that was about 8 years ago (when he was in high school). What does this all mean? I'm just really confused. Thank you in advance for all your help.
Sincerely,
Kayla
My response
I’m not surprised you’re confused, Kayla; this guy is giving you some very mixed signals! It sounds like he’s confused himself and while he likes your company and enjoys being with you, he’s being very clear by his comments like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" that he is keeping his options open and doesn't want you to assume he wants to be with you.
It doesn't mean a whole lot when he takes you out and doesn't let you pay; that’s more for him and his ego than for you, so try not to read too much into any of these little things. There are enough of his mixed signals around for you to protect your own beautiful heart instead of reading more into these little things than is actually there.
This sounds like someone who likes the way he feels when he’s around you, but it doesn't sound like someone who’s ready to be with you and can give you what you’re looking for right now.
My concern is that you’re holding onto so many of these things that are coloring your interpretation of where he’s at and what he’s thinking, rather than looking at the reality of what he’s telling you and believing him.
If you can simply enjoy what you have with him while keeping your own options open and not giving away your own power by putting him on a pedestal, that’s one thing. But if you can’t honestly do that without wanting more than he does, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment if he’s not on the same page as you.
My best advice, Kayla, is to resist the need to find out why he’s behaving the way he is and simply take it one day at a time. There are too many mixed signals to believe that he knows what he wants for himself. He needs to sort out his own issues for himself without you rescuing him or loving him enough to help him figure himself out. This is his own work apart from you.
So often we forget this, or we want to jump to the stage where we’re part of a couple taking care of each other, but until you know for sure you’re both on the same page and want the same thing with each other, don’t go there. He’s an adult. He doesn't need you to take care of him while he’s still trying to figure this all out.
You, on the other hand, have your whole life ahead of you! This is not the time to get hung up on what someone else does or doesn't do, but instead, focus on you! Put your time and energy into creating a beautiful life for yourself instead of worrying about what someone else does or doesn't do.
Follow your own dreams, get involved with the things you’re passionate about and find those things that stir your soul. Fill your own cup so full of life and love from so many places that what he – or any other guy – does or doesn't do, doesn't matter as much as what you do. Because if someone is truly right for you – meaning the two of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen – you’ll never have to wonder; you’ll always know! It's never complicated.
Make a life for yourself just like he’s doing, and you won’t ever be tempted to put someone on a pedestal because you think they have so much more to offer you than you already have. You’re the prize, Kayla; make sure he’s worthy of you!
And always remember, YOU are doing the choosing!
Do you have any more advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Kayla? Share them with us in the comments!
Kayla, i am a christian, so i think i have some insight as to what is going on here. This is an older post Im responding to but i hope it helps someone at some point.
Heres my take. This guy has been raised christian. His parents have instilled solid christian values and morals into him. They raised him to be a gentlman, a christian, a provider etc... He knows that his parents want so much for him to have the kind of woman that holds the same values, morals, standards etc... He dated in the past and now his parents inform you , that you would be fantastic together. They have undoubtably told him this already. He appears to know that you would fit that mold. He is trying to 'want' this. IE.. Church, solid relationship, bible study. But it appears that he knows that he isnt ready for this. He probably does truly care for your friendship and encouragement. He wants to expirience more right now. He wants independance, freedom but he still wants to be grounded in his christianity and you are filling this need. He just sounds like a young man that wants to go on his own, have young man expeiriences, and maybe settle when he is older. Sounds like he doesnt want any relationship and when he does have one, for it to lead to marriage. I think he is letting you know not to wait around for him because it could be a very long time until he settles. Just let him go. Ask the Holy Spirit for discernment, to show you his fruits (you shall know them by their fruits) Do this before every new man in your life. The Holy Spirit will show you. You may not like what you see, but better to see early on. Ask for discernment and the understanding to clearly interperate what you are seeing, or not seeing. Ask to be shown in a gentle way. I always ask and am always shown. Sometimes its disappointing and discouraging but its so much better than getting devastated in the future.
Marie, maybe since he is shy he needs more of an advance from you? The door is wide open as he spends time with you, tho mentions her to you all the time. He's keeping options open until he is sure. He talks about her but makes himself available to you too. Maybe he needs more time, or if it bothers you (which it would bother me too) leave him alone since he keeps mentioning another girl. Wait to see what way he goes? Maybe then he will miss you and realize he likes you more. Or if not, he's for someone else. But just because he mentions her doesn't mean you can't make a move.
Dear Jane,
I did not know where to put this comment exactly because I am not really dating that guy but I definitely see that he likes me.
We met some 8-9 months ago when he visited my friend for 4-5 days (he lives abroad) and after 1 or 2 conversations it seemed that we had known each other forever. At that time I had just started a relationship and he had “sort of” a girlfriend he said, so trying any move on him would have been taboo.
However, after he left we kept in touch sending each other messages but also pretty long emails where we would have so much to say to each other.
Now he doe not live abroad anymore and is studying here for a year, so we see each other now and then and we’re getting closer. A few weeks ago he told me he had left the girl, just as they had both agreed they would because they would not be able to deal with the distance (we’re talking about a different continent). Unfortunately now they “kind of” are back together but he told me he feels really confused about it and does not know what to do, because he says they are great together but are doomed to break up in a year when he will come back and she will leave forever (well a few years actually).
Now what I do not understand is why he would flirt with me all the time and then still mention this girl every now and then: what am I supposed to do? On one hand his body language and his attention give me all the signals that he likes me a lot, but then he tells me that this girl visited him recently and that it was “really strange but nice”. I just hate it and I do not know what to do.
Actually a few days ago I was about to forget about him, or let’s say I was going to try to care less and see what happens, hoping for the best. But now I cannot stop thinking of him, since a few days ago when he invited me to the movies. It was a great night; we also had a drink after and did not see the time passing by. The 2 next days we went to parties together that I invited him to, and we flirted a lot…broke the touch barrier, danced in such a sweet way and everything… My friend was “angry” at me because she said that I could have totally made a move on him because he was looking at me the whole time and following me everywhere.
I simply did not dare because the guy has someone in his life and does not hide it, on the contrary!
Why is he being so weird? Does he want to make me jealous? Or does he not know I like him back? Or is he just flattering himself, enjoying the extra attention? Btw, I am absolutely sure that he is a really good person (not a player at all) and that he is kind of shy.
Please help me because it came to the point that I can barely sleep these days…
I am looking forward to read you and thank you so much in advance.
Sincerely,
Marie
Hi, Marie... Quite the predicament. You can always do what seems right to you at the core. It is always up to you.
I have been in these situations and it hasn't ended up well for me. So maybe you can think of a few things: you deserve someone who wants to be with you and who is completely available to you mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. Is he available that way? I think you can answer quite easily. There's no confusion: NO. So by sticking around a guy that is wishy washy and that keeps talking about another girl, you risk settling for less than you deserve and your self esteem getting a low blow down the line. Is this what you want? A man like this? Could you even trust him? Those are questions you may want to ask yourself and be very honest when answering. Mixed signals are not at all mixed. The guy is not that into you. Why would you want to be with a man who's not really sure he wants you in his life? Big hug.
Hi Kayla 🙂
This guy is all over the place. I see so many red flags. Here's something I've learned from a lot of dating - and unfortunately we do not see this because we are so blinded by our emotions for a man and how charming he is to us. But - men LOVE to treat women well even though they do not necessarily want something serious! I have seen this so much and men say it! It's an ego boost for them, they feel good about it! He probably does really care for you - as a friend. It feels good to a man to take a woman out for dinner and not let her pay, to call you, text you. Saying nice things to you. He feels good and he likes making you feel good. Single men do this! Single men have women in their lives. Women who they are not necessarily dating but love to spend time with. It says absolutely nothing about his commitment unless he has verbalized in a crystal clear manner that he chooses you and only you. And trust me - a man will make that very clear. And by all means, if you can be honest with yourself and take his nice treatment to you just as it is - nice treatment and nothing more, then do not stop seeing him. But do not show him that his charming behaviour is affecting you - live you own life, meet other men, make male friends, cancel dates with him because you have plans. Don't be confused by him. Let it go and live your own life. You'll feel so much better once you get into that mind set. You're not letting him go but you're living your life. The nice and surprising result of doing this is that he might just start changing towards you and actually chase you! And then it'll be you who chooses whether you want him. Good luck!
Yes Maris this shocked me too - I felt completely blindsided! He seemed loving and affectionate and gave me every reason to believe that he would be in it for the long term - even talked about when we were old and made plans to go abroad and to buy a camper van together and travel. After about a year things felt difficult and I sensed something wasn't right but we were going on the same and having wonderful intimacy and doing what we always did enjoying life going out having meals, going to live music, weekends away etc. I noticed he was drinking more and I criticised him - there were also issues in that we lived 70miles away from eachother but he had always said where there is a will there is a way to I always thought we would overcome the distance,
He drove up to break up with me and just told me it wasn't working and seemed to expect me to agree with that which I didn't obviously. Then he kissed me and it was a passionate kiss and hugged me so tight and then just turned and walked away and never looked back. I relive this scene over and over and cry and cry. How can someone who did so much to get me in his life just throw it all away and how can something so wonderful that we had just not mean anything anymore?????
Kayla,
This hits home for me because I am a Christian myself. You don't deserve these mix signals.. When the right guy comes to you, the one that God made for you, you will not have to worry or second guess the guy's commitment. You will bever have to play games or convince someone to like you. If they don't celebrate you, see you as a gift, a treasue, one-of-a kind, let them go. The one that God made for you will not be able to live without you and will think you are the greatest thing in the world. They will not wait to call you their own or have to take so much time to determine whether you both should be an item. Because they will know from the beginning what a great package you are and will not let anyone else have your beautiful self because you a dimond among the rocks. Nothing you said, didn't say will change will ever change who you are supposed to be with. If a person disn't like what you said or did 't say then they weren't meant for you. Everything happens a for a reason, so if he is giving you all these mix signals, take this as a blessing from God that he trying to tell you by you second guessing his commitment that he isn't right for you. Perhaps God put you into his path not to be together but to help him seek God again as he is working on his relationship with God. Just keep being your very best, honoring God and praying for your man because God will lead you and give you that feeling when the right man for you comes along. Just think that although you may have all of these wonderful emotions and feeling of love from this guy (because that is why you still are trying to make this relationship work) that when God does give you the right man it will 1,000 times better than what you are feeling now because you will not feel confused. So get excited Kaylah because your husband will be more than you ever imagined and you will look back at this boy and laugh and be thanking God that you didn't waste anymore time on him so that you could focus on finding the right man God has in store for you!
Good luck Kayla, and I pray that God gives you every desire in your heart! 🙂
Wow! that was beautiful Tina.
Thanks Sophia!
Hi Kayla. This guy told you what he wants, to be friends. He treats you nicely because he is treating you as a female friend. He probably assumed that you would be upset with him and that's why he asked how come you were being so nice to him. When he realized that you were not upset, but remained friendly with him, he began to contact you again and remained friendly with you because he enjoys your friendship. If he wanted to be with you as a couple, he would be with you as a couple because there's nothing stopping him from doing so. In other words, whether he's confused or not, he'd be with you if he wanted to. Who knows why he doesn't and you shouldn't care cause it doesn't change the beautiful person you are. But, it's OK. God has better plans for you.
Love your beautiful insight here, Nadia; thank you for adding this.
thanks.....you're welcome
Linda I had the same situtaion as you this guy said we were friends but other things happened..your probably right..but my guy friend was mentally abusive towards me..this guy lead me on thinking we were more when we never were....it does hurt and its hard to trust again....
Hi Jane and everyone
This really resonates with me, I was with someone for just over a year he treated me like a lady, he opened doors for me, carried my bags, paid for meals, constantly told me how amazing I looked. He bought me expensive presents at Christmas and on my birthday, he introduced me to his family saying how proud he was of me and how gorgeous I was and how lucky he was to have me, I had never been treated this way before and fell for him head over heels, I built my world around him because he seemed to be showing me that he was in love with me or that's what it seemed like to me! He texted me maybe two or three times a day and phoned me every night almost without fail for just over a year. Then after a couple of disagreements he dumped me and left me heartbroken, That was six months ago now and I am still hurt because of the mixed messages, when I look back there were signs - he used to joke that he didnt do love and there were subtle things when I look back that although it looked as though he was caring about me in actual fact he mostly acted on things which made him feel happy. In the end of course he can't have cared about my feelings because he would not have left me in the way that he did. He never told me he loved me but he did text it, looking back he was probably drunk when he had done that! I took it all in and lapped it all up and yes I put him on a pedestal because I thought he was doing the same with me. I feel betrayed and after many years of building up trust to have this happen it is a slow process for me to trust again.
This story shocks me! A year!
But did you ever like asked him... "What are we" or in that direction?
Good luck! And don't be to sad or hurt! I mean this type of guy is just
No good for no women. We should cry because he is so not loveable!
He is living his life in lies..
While you choose truth.. You are brave !
The book 'Men who cant love' Steven Carter and Julia Sokol descibes this behaviour to the T. Excellent guide to recognise men like that. good luck!
Your response rings so true to me. I think that your piece should also apply to many others that lose themselves in a relationship. Putting someone above us on a pedastel is so wrong. Thanks again for your words.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Wayne; you're so very welcome!
Hi Kayla,
We all get caught up in the fantasy of what these men have to offer. Yes, it would seem if someone texts you multiple times a day, pays for your dinner, and ask you out that they are really interest in you. A lot of times unfortunate that is not the case some people have their own agendas that we can not begin to understand it is a hard fact, but true. I know they say that actions speak louder than words, but you cannot base a relationship on this alone. If words and actions do not match there is a disconnect with this person and if you continue to follow up with actions alone it may not turn out well for you. Just always remember a person that is really interested in you will not say one thing and do another. I hope this helps. 🙂
So true, Sophia; thank you for your words.
Sophia I just like a word that you just said. And most of the it is the source of
Trouble ...
Disconnect !
You just inspired me!
Thank you, Maris you always inspire me with your words!
I am having the same probelm with my ex partner. We have been split for 4 months now. We spilt up becuase he got himself into financial diffuculty however instead of allowing me to be there he pushed me away and told me that the money was the priority. I made the decision becuase not only this but for our whole relationship i had been very insecure and always felt second best. He did treat me well and look after me but there was always something i couldnt put my finger on. I loved him but i always felt insecure and worried he didnt love me.
I made the decison to end the relatonship however as we lived together and it was complicated we were still in contact. However after about 2 months he told me he had made the biggest mistake, was just very depressed at the time, wants to give things another shot, realises he didnt appreciate me and had problems with commitment etc. However by this point i had booked to go travelling alone for a year (we were planning on going together and it something i always wanted to do so i took the step). He then said things like he wanted to wait for me, would spend the next year becoming a better man and working on his issues and one day wants to make it up to me.
But i then found out he went away and ended up meeting and speaking and now contacting another girl. Now i know we are not together and i dont mean to sound childish but that night he text me also saying he was thinking about me. I feel like he said all theese things but his actions are just not reflecting it. I feel like he is strigning me along telling me all theese things just as a back up plan. even though i have asked for no contact he texts me all the time and turned up at my work. Its like he dosent want me to get over him but he wants to keep me at arms length.
The other thing that worries me is that he always stayed in contact with a lot of his ex's and from my knowledge even years after would tell them things like he still missed them etc.
Is he trying to do the same thing with me? Just keep me hanging? Has everything he said really meant nothing.
I know no one can answer that question for me but everyday i over analyze why he is saying he cant get over me etc but his actions are so rubbish. I know im going away and theres no chance we can get back together right now so i should probably try get over this.
Im trying to go no contact for myself but when he contacts me i cant help replying
But im just wondering what the last 4 years together have actually been about 🙁 Any advice would be appreciated. I dont want to start my travelling still feeling like this and being in constant contact becuase i think it will just ruin it.
The most telling indicator of someone's future actions, Clou, is the way they have behaved in the past. Yes, people can change if they want to, but from what you're describing here, it sounds like he has no reason to. He has enough women who put up with his behavior and keep giving him the contact he's looking for that serves him well. People always do what works for them, and clearly, this is working for him. The only way for it to stop working for him, is if you decide it isn't working for you.
He has no reason to do anything different when he's getting what he wants, when he can text you and you can't help but reply, when he can turn up at your work, when he has no respect for what you're asking him when you tell him you do not want him to contact you.
It's because all of this is about him, Clou. It's about how it makes him feel to know that he can ignore your request for no contact and he can text you in spite of this and get you to respond. It's how it makes him feel to know that he can have the kind of power over you that he can do what he wants, he can get involved with whatever other women he wants to, and you'll always still be there on some level when he comes back calling on you. It's not about you, none of this is about how he really feels about you and what he's willing to offer you; it's all about him.
Trust yourself, Clou. You know what's going on. You see all this, and that's why you're reaching out here like this. You do know for yourself, without anyone having to confirm what you already know. If you're sensing that he's stringing you along telling you all these things just as a back-up plan, if it seems to you like he doesn't want you to get over him but wants to keep you at arms length, there's a reason.
Don't look back at the last 4 years. Look at where you are right now. Look at what you want for you life - and your relationships - and what you don't. Look at what you know you deserve and what you don't. The behaviors you're describing here aren't what love is all about; real love is about two people on the same page who want the same thing and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. When it's the real thing, you won't be second-guessing yourself, you won't be wondering what's going on, you won't be going through any of this.
You're the one doing the choosing here, Clou. Choose you first, and then choose what you want in a relationship. You're about to embark on an exciting adventure on this trip with so many exciting opportunities to meet new people and have new experiences and enjoy your life. Don't let someone who isn't worth your time and energy - much less your you! - take away from any of this for you. You deserve so much more than this!
Thank you for your response and kind words.
I know deep down the answers myself. I suppose i just dont want to believe them, and sometimes i need i feel reassurance that i am doing the right thing.
My biggest problem is over anlyzing the past and wondering how he actually felt, did he ever love me? But i suppose like you said none of that really matters anymore.
Thank you xx
You are! 🙂
Well I do.
When your 20 years Kayla, and I see you care and are religious.
So I think you grew up with values and norms.
At this young age you are vulnerable and very open! Which is something
Beautiful but also tricky ( because people could take advantage, especially confused and insecure man).
Let me put it like this. When Jesus says :
"Don't throw your pearls before swine"
That's what I mean!
I think somewhere deep you hope he wants you.
Why would you otherwise eat with a man and look him in the eyes.
If you were really not that interested you would already have forgotten him and
Not give him no chance to contact you !
But you want the contact and the attention .
I think Kayla that you should look at what you want from a guy .
The truth is he is looking. The truth is you are also looking.
So why not explore that and enjoy. Why not date more guys and explore.
Don't be afraid , but be aware there are man even in the church who can
Take advantage of a beautiful , pure heart! Don't give it to a man who sees
Not the value of it!
Don't throw your pearls before swine...
Hi Maris,
You are always so insightful! I love what you said "Don't throw your pearls before swine" this says it all in a nutshell. Thanks! Maris
Beautifully put, Maris; thank you for adding your own perspective to this conversation.