I recently came across a story of a woman who was in a long term relationship (several years) with a man that she described as emotionally available, kind, funny who kept her very satisfied in the bedroom.
They also have an amazing friendship. Sounds perfect, right?
He asked her to marry him.
She said no.
She went on to say that while she loved him very much, she knew it was never going to work out in the long term because she never felt that elusive spark.
She felt like she would be settling.
Honestly, I was stunned. I had to read it again, just to make sure I wasn't missing something.
This woman was talking about a man who she feels is her best friend. He's kind, funny, fully available and sexy, they have great sex and she loves him. He wants a commitment.
But something is missing? She feels like she'd be settling?
It was such a reminder of what settling really is and isn't.
I know this is an extreme example, and most, if not all of us would be smart enough to say “yes” to this guy and start growing old together, but the reality is that a version of this happens to so many of us all the time.
It just happens a lot sooner, typically on the first date or two.
We meet a guy who, for all intents and purposes, should be our dream guy, but we're just not feeling it.
We don't feel that chemistry, that spark. So we politely decline when he tries for date number three (sometimes even date number two).
The problem here is this belief in the all empowering spark – it's the fairy tale that we all believe we need to have in order for a relationship to turn into love.
It’s time to clarify something here that is completely misunderstood.
For this post I'll use the word spark to mean chemistry, butterflies, fireworks, that "oh wow, I can't believe he picked me" feeling that we feel with certain guys. You know exactly what I’m talking about.
The truth is, the spark does not equal love.
In fact, the spark and love are completely unrelated.
They are two totally different things. They are like two complete strangers who happen to be at the same party.
A spark does not guarantee love any more than a sunny day means the lake water will be warm and the swimming will be great. It might happen, but it might not. If it does happen, it will be mostly a coincidence.
In fact, in my experience, the greater the spark and the faster the flame of love grows, the quicker it dies out (or even worse, gets out of control and burns everything in sight in true disaster fashion).
But, you say, my friend met her husband and they hit it off with the spark right away, and they've been in love for 15 years and she still feels the spark!
Like I said, it can happen, it's just a coincidence. It's not guaranteed to happen.
In fact, I might go as far to say that it didn't really happen. What your friend thought was a spark was actually just her ability to feel real love faster.
Some people just take longer to get to the real love. But if you get to real love in one date or one week or one year, it doesn't matter. The end result is the same – you're totally in love.
Even when people had that fiery spark in the beginning, it fades. If someone tells you that they still have that same feeling after years and years, then what they actually felt in the beginning is deep love, not a spark. They were just lucky enough to recognize it right away.
Some of us take a little while to recognize it, but that doesn't make it any less wonderful. It's still amazing love whether you recognize it when your eyes first meet or if you recognize it after dating for a while.
It's like a fire – if you have a huge pile of wood, and you douse it with gasoline, it will erupt into a huge burning bonfire almost immediately after tossing a match onto it.
But if it's not already doused with gasoline, then it might take a little while to get the kindling going, then get the larger pieces burning, until finally it's that same large bonfire. Either way, the end result is the same.
It takes time to come to this on our own.
It takes time to see that spark for what it is – and, more importantly, for what it isn't.
But when you've had enough of everything you've been settling for in the name of that almighty spark, there’s a beautiful life and a beautiful love that’s waiting for you. You just have to see for what it really is.
Don’t be like our friend from the story and walk away from a lovely bonfire just because it started a little differently than you thought it would.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any "spark" stories to share? Tell us about it in the comments!
I recently have experienced that spark with a much younger man, and we shared amazing sex and total comfortably around each other. I can feel the amazing love he wants to give to that special someone, which he doesn't feel is me because of our 15yr age gap. I feel we have an amazing connection, one I have never felt with another and now I have to let it all go. It makes me really sad, but forever grateful to have experienced him.
It's not the 15 year age gap, Kate. It'll be awhile - if ever! - before he gets there with anyone. That's just the reason for this time, there will always be a reason until he wakes up, gets help, or throws his fears to the wind and goes for it. But none of those are very likely so please know you got more than most will.
Oh the elusive spark,,I coveted it for years. In fact I passed on a couple of really great men ( marriage material, committed, kind, funny) but that ephemeral spark was missing. I felt I would be settling. Everything changed for me when I took the risk and began a relationship with my best friend. It took him literally years to convince me to give it a shot. The day I knew it was worth a shot, was when I came home and found that he had washed my car, parked it in the shade and put a flower on my windshield wiper. Some times us women are so bust looking for the grand gesture we miss the seemingly small acts of kindness, genuine care that men give. Ultimately the relationship didn't lead to marriage and we've long gone our separate ways but this man is still one of my best friends. Ladies stop looking for magic outside of yourselves, own your power. Pay attention to the man that expresses genuine care for your soul. In my experience the spark has a very short shelf life and you might just end up with a booby prize.
Very short shelf life!
I was with a man for four years, in an on-and-off relationship. We were best friends, my daughter and I felt like family to him, we had a fabulous, playful sexual chemistry and strong physical attraction. All through the relationship, he maintained that there was "something missing." He said despite all the loveliness, he didn't feel that there was a longterm relationship there for us, I always felt temporary. Later in the relationship he said his romantic attraction to me was very low. He is a person who has had no previous longterm committed relationships, admits that he has a commitment phobia. My stance was that the gap he felt was related to his commitment issues. He responded with "what if my commitment issues are there because of that gap I feel with you?"
We have since broken up, but I do still feel confused.
Hi I recently found this article from doing my own research.
In 2019 I met the most amazing guy online. We started off as friends for a little bit then I told him he liked me and he felt the same. After that we became a couple pretty quickly and talked every night on the phone for a whole year. We stayed a couple for a whole year but in the end he decided to end it and honestly I never understood why. We have managed to stay friends though. Previous to a relationship I had for 7 years that was so toxic I couldn't see it, this relationship with this guy was the most amazing relationship ever! we get along so well, have the same values, barely ever fought, he knows how to handle me when I get mad, and we talked about the future together.
From the start he told me he was confused and didn't know if he was feeling the spark. We couldn't let go of each other. He told me he felt the spark with both his other exes but no trust and then trust with me but no spark. I wondered to myself why? There was nothing wrong not on my end and I did everything I could to get him to realize that there is soo much more to a relationship than a spark. He thinks because he is american he is fed into the whole romanticized thing like on "hallmark", it makes me mad because I can't exactly describe it but this guy honestly feels like he is my soulmate and I'm mad too because of covid we have not had the chance to meet but he believed that meeting it wouldn't be there or we'd just be prolonging it. Something in my heart is telling me to not give up on him because I can't explain the connection I feel to this guy and I know in person it would be even more amazing.
I blame society for the whole spark thing, its stupid and ridiculous. I thought as humans as we get older we start to look for traits that really matter in a relationship.. like trust, honesty, empathy, communication, etc. But no people look for people with a spark and the spark to me is a warning sign because I would rather 100% feel comfortable and at home with my partner than feel giddy and butterflies because the butterflies are nerves and the spark is a danger signal for what you are missing and for what is to come. or should I say end.
I hope more people see this article and realize what there truly missing out on.
So do I, Leanzah! Most of what we believe about love and relationships has its roots right there - in a society that has never had our best interests at heart. You're absolutely right and I'm glad you're seeing this so clearly now! ❤
I hear you, I've been in a similar situation as you. I met a woman online a few years ago, we wrote and talked for over two years before meeting due to the distance. I'm from the US and she is from Europe. We got along amazingly well, shared everything, had great laughs, and shared a great emotional connection; both of us were into each other and wanted to date. We decided to finally meet. I felt a little chemistry but it was not mind blowing. She did not have any for me at first sight. She told me she needed to feel an immediate spark and butterflies upon meeting someone otherwise it simply wouldn't work out. She didn't believe it could grow. She was willing to forget all the other stuff away that we shared over instant chemistry and instant attraction. Mind you she was in only one prior relationship; which she admitted after two months of sparks things mellowed out to find they didn't share any core values and it became a toxic relationship for two years. I'm sure her idea of how a relationship must start was based on fake reality that society/Hollywood tries to sell us. I explained to her why that doesn't have to be the case.
I find it rather ridiculous that people can base wanting to be in a relationship with someone on an unexplainable spark upon first meeting someone versus deep emotional connections, compatibility and values. I personally have been in relationships where I didn't feel any spark/chemistry right away and turned into falling madly in love with that person once I got to know them and be around them more. I've also been in relationships with people where there was intense chemistry/sparks and they were often toxic. Instant chemistry/sparks is often a red flag in disguise. Sparks/chemistry/attraction doesn't have to be immediate and it certainly isn't a 1 or a 10 like people think. It's often somewhere in between but people just want it to happen to them instead of making it happen. Fast forward, I'm now in a great long-term relationship with a woman who I never felt any butterflies or sparks with but rather I immediately felt comfortable and at home around her.
My advise to you is to move on. To be candid, the person can't "be the one" if they don't want to be with you. It takes two to make a relationship work. Not only do they think there can't be a spark between you, you also don't share values. After all, you value the things you mentioned above in your post, more than silly butterflies, they clearly do not since they are willing to chase sparks instead. The guy who wants to "chase the spark" quite frankly needs to grow up some, and might need to learn the hard way what's truly important in a relationship: shared values, love, affection, respect, trust, compatibility , versus what's not: instant chemistry/sparks/attraction. If not, they most likely have a very lonely life. And until (or IF) that ever happens they could never be the one for you. Best of luck!
I just recently found your website and i yhink you are an angel in disguise. I regocnize every bit of what you are telling us here. My mother was quit absent in my youth. It comes down to the fact that she was not emotional avaialbe because of circumstances (depression, character, etc) i often felt like i was not good enough, she dis not want to do things together and i thought it was because i was not a likeable child. So to get the attention i wanted i took care of her a lot. But i was achimg for the love i needed. So The first time i felt that spark i was 12 years old. He did not like me that way and it hurted. On my late 13 ( i know i was way to young) i fellt the spark with someone who i had 1.5 years with. It was fine at the start, then he came in a burn out and after that thing were not te same anymore. I became distant, i thought i saw things that werent there but my gut feeling told me something was not right. In the end he blocked me, ignored me, turned out mean etc. But i thunk i was ‘used’ to de rejection so that was what love was for me.
Fast forward i met guy, no spark at the beginning, no push and pull and i got scared. This can’t be good cause i am not feeling stressed. Turns out that my view of love was not healthy at all. Because of this, i freaked out because someone really loves me , that can’t be. 6 years later i learned that this is what love is like. I really needed to change my mindset and i felt a lot of pain because of my childhood. our love feels calm, safe, warm. We are a team and i have never loved someone more then i love him. We bring out the best in each other ☺️
Aw, thank you, sweet soul! I'm so sorry for what you've been through. Yes, the connections between these men and your emotionally distant mother are quite telling. I talk a lot about enmeshment on here. We've got to learn something other than chasing the ones who have no interest in being caught, only to make us chase them all the more. I wrote this on mothers that might help you more on this point too. Much love to you!
I’ve felt the spark for almost 20 years; but “my guy” keeps coming and going from my life. No arguments involved. I truly believes he loves me every time he reaches out. He tells me I am his “splinter- - always there.” I tell him that’s an insult. I never reach out to him.
For me, it was love at first sight.
I was almost 15 yrs old when I felt the spark after seeing a boy for the first time. I attributed that feeling to finding my one true love, my soulmate. Remember, I was young and ofcourse didnt know what real love was but that feeling screamed that this was the guy before we even got to know each other.
A few months later and loads of talking, we decided to date and he explained that he too felt that spark when we first met. This had to be the real deal right? A month later we got engaged and waited till we were 18 to wed. All felt like a fairytale, a blessing from God himself after I had prayed for that moment.
19 yrs we were married and the troubles started almost immediately. Unresolved issues that we each carried with us and lack of knowledge what a healthy relationship looked like followed us through our yrs together. I still felt the butterflies when we kissed, still believed our love would overcome anything (and there was plenty of challenges). That thinking of the spark and that whole bs kept me going for longer then I should have. So much abuse, lack of a good relationship with our daughter, drug abuse and alcoholism consumed us.
Now, going through a long winded divorce and seeing him move on living in his new woman's house after I just moved out, I see that the spark was just physical attraction. Even though we still can't look each other in the face without smiling because of it, it was never going to be enough. I've been going on dates with a nice guy now that checks all the boxes but there is no spark or instant attraction, just comfort and stability. I've been hesitant to ask him to become my bf because the spark is still absent and it's only been 8 months since I left my husband, but I hope to not miss out on a good thing bc of my ridiculous expectations based on my past.
Hard lessons to learn, Tiff. But so necessary. Welcome to the other side!
I met a man in 1995 and started dating in 1996. We are still friends today but I moved 1500 miles away from him. Why, because he put fishing, his kids, and being with his guy friends over me. I lasted 23 years as there were some really great years in that relationship. But I knew he was not who I ant to be with. Then in 2017 he almost died as he had fibrosis of the lungs, a donor came in time. But now he wanted me and I said no it was to late. So if and when I meet someone good I think I will know it. Since moving to Florida I did meet a guy Dave, but after a year and him living in Michigan I dropped that card in the mail and blocked him on my phone. I'm now 62 and never even ingaged, but I still have hope in my ❤️ heart. Your blog gives me the strength I need to see I deserve the best guy, not just any guy.
This actually sounds like me at this very moment. You say I’m in love with a Gemini everything was great for eight months then he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship now I don’t see or hear from him hardly at all. When you guys come into my life a Virgo he seems very nice but I can’t give him my heart he says he’s falling in love with me and I just barely like him
I met my partner after a terrible break up of a 26 year marriage. It had been a good marriage for many years until he had some mental health issues that after 7 years and finding out he had been cheating and nearly had us bankrupted he actually left and I didn't take him back.
With my current partner I definitely felt a spark but not like when I met my ex husband. I have a really good relationship now but at times I do wonder what I should do. I feel a lot like the woman in this story, we do a lot of things together, have fun and have great sex. I haven't met his children yet so that causes me some doubt. (he doesn't see them often) I also want to get married at some point and even though he initially said marriage was something he would be agreeable to after this long he doesn't know why we need to get married. We live together, we are planning to retire together etc. Maybe spark isn't enough.
In 1989, I met my abusive ex husband. When I started dating him, I was also dating a couple of other guys. One was basically Prince Charming. I mean like, literally. He was handsome and kind and talented and smart and fun and reliable and very very into me. The only thing WRONG with him was that he came from a really rich family. But something was missing. That...elusive spark. Then I met my ex. He was very good looking..and exciting and dangerous. And living with someone else. And also, emotionally unavailable, and broke and clearly damaged. But oh, that spark. My roomates and my therapist all thought he was a terrible idea. But that spark....so I gently broke off with Prince Charming and rode off into the sunset with the Bad Boy. Y'all know how this story ends, right?
I regret not following up with a good man because I didn’t feel that “spark” either. I had contacted him when I was at the end of a messy relationship, we saw each other, it felt comfortable but I knew I had to resolve my other situation first. I did, but never got back in contact with him, because I felt bad for reaching out when I shouldn’t have. I ran into him in a restaurant two years later and he asked me to join him. At the end of lunch I said I’d be in contact but never did, partly because I felt guilty for the previous time, the other because I didn’t have that “spark,” which I know now is not a true indicator for a good relationship. I’ve realized I wasn’t ready for a real relationship then and wish now I’d given it a chance. I’ve had my share of one sided relationships that haven’t worked. I texted him recently, during Covid, just saying thinking of you, and that I realize that good friends are important, which may have come off as a slight, like now I realize it but didn’t then. I also said I’d like to be in touch, but he never texted back. Is there any way to start this back up, or should I let it go?
It sounds like the regret you're feeling is already worse than whatever response or non-response you might get from him if you reach out in honesty and tell him everything you just said, Melissa, minus the part about not feeling the spark. Could it be any worse than what you're going through now?
So I hear this all the time, every time I go out on a date with someone they all say the same the next day, I had a fun time meeting you but I don't feel any spark etc who h hurts now with how many times I hear it .
But any I recently met this girl online we been talking for about a week everyday, untill the following weekend when we decided to meet. We had a great time lots of excitement at the end, there was some hand holding and cuddling. And the interesting thing with we surprisingly had heaps in commen!
So the next day she invites me over for dinner we had a meal and cuddled on the couch for hours.
But the next day she says I think we could become good friends I don’t know if it will evolve into anything else. I’m basing this off of how I felt last night and while I had fun and didn’t mind the physical contact I didn’t really feel a spark in the romantic sense. I hope this makes sense.
Well it's been a few days after that now, we are still talking every day for a couple of hours and saying good night everyday. But atm it's hard to meet in person to get to know each other more,with the virus going around.
I do hope something develops but I'm not sure. Thanks for reading, I would like your opinion on my situation.
Hi, I'm going through something similar to most people with my ex-boyfriend. We dated for 6 months and things were great, but he ended things because he said he doesn't "feel the spark" anymore. And It's so hard for me to process this because he says he still cares about me, and still wants me in his life, and wants to be friends. But I'm stuck on what to do. I want him back so badly and want to give us another shot, and it seems like he's struggling to fully let me go as well if he wants to stay friends, but how do I explain to him that "not feeling a spark" is not a reason to break up. Since the break up he's been telling me that he's been more negative at everything, has only had a few good days, and is just overall sad. So if we were both happier together, then why did not feeling the "spark" bring him to ending things. How do I explain to him that we are worth another shot? Its been a month since the break-up and only a few days since we decided to do no communication until he comes back home.
I was dating this guy thru online site.After few telephonic conversations I felt like he is the one though I hadn't met him yet.We talked to each other about how we spent day nll.Finally I got a chance to meet him few times.He came out to be nice person but totally opposite to me,like he was extrovert n had big social circle.but I was ok with it.And he always made me feel comfortable around him.He used to take efforts to keep conversations alive all this while.After couple of dates he told me he likes me n shd take things to next level so tht we can think of marriage. I had already liked him so I was happy but then I had doubts about his behavior as he had always mentioned tht he feels I don't talk and seems like m not comfortable with him.it was true but that is how I am, I take time to get along with ppl even though I hav liked them. But since he said he wants to take things ahead. I thought he is ok with this.immediately after this convo he had started having lil less talk time with me. I thought may be he must b busy but it went for like 2-3 days. So I decided to ask him then he suddenly said that he likes me but doesn't see spark in me or us.he wants to fall madly in love n want his partner to have same thing.So I asked him why didnt u tell me tht u wanna take things to next level if you wanted all this. He was like that goes unsaid that this must be der in relationship. I am really hurt as I had started to like him even he confessed he did but then now he wants spark. And he didn't even try to tell me this he only told me when I asked him what's wrong. That's what makes it more disappointing as what if I wud have been under impression tht mayb he is busy.I asked him what shd we do to slove this? He was clueless then he said give me two weeks maybe I can decide then. But then I felt this is wrong that you say someone you like nll keep them involved then one fine day say you don't see spark. I wanted things to work btw us for real n maybe wanted to marry him. but his spark thing just made me loose all the trust n faith n charm I had seen in him as I thought maybe he might say yes to me now and then after sometime again he will lose spark or see spark in some other girl. I didn't want to hurt myself further so I said we shdnt consider going ahead. I feel I took right decision but sometimes or most of the time m just lost in the recurring thoughts what if I wud have given him those 2 weeks he was asking for. And I really get depressed. We hadn't blocked each other on social sites as we hadn't fought. Although I wanted to fight with him for being so insensitive but then I was so hurt n had bcom emotional that I cudnt even expln him why I m saying no.we follow each other on media but I never view his updates but I see his name always on my updates. So I just keep wondering if it was right decision to say him no or does he like or was he genuinely asking for time. We haven't contacted each other since then. It's been few months. I feel since he was the one to have spark problem he should contact me instead of being passive stalker if he wants me. I m afraid to contact him as he might say no again or say he didn't see ny spark or something else. Sometimes I even feel maybe he might b seeing other girls from whom he must b expecting answer in those to weeks to decide on me.i just need to know from you what I did was right? If not how to rectify things or avoid such things in future.ny advise on stopping recursive thoughts about him.i tried distracting myself, doing new things but all in vain. I just don't want to loose someone who could be potential partner so m scared. I have already lost him but still I have some hope. I don't know if it is right or not.
Thanks for reading such a long story.
This article really hit home for me because I’m in a relationship now with an amazing guy (he treats me well, always wants to spend time with me, is handsome, repsectful, etc). We met online and went on our first date in April and became official in mid-June. I felt the “spark” for just a little while after a couple weeks of going on dates, but now it seems that that “spark” is gone. I have been fighting with myself about whether this is the right relationship for me because I’m not feeling that way anymore. I feel like he is my best friend though and the sex and emotional connection are amazing. This has helped me to realize that I can’t give up on something that is so good for me. Especially when we have similar values, future goals, and hobbies. So thank you for posting this and helping me to decide that I want to continue this relationship and see what happens.
Glad it resonated with you, Adriana. You're doing the right thing.
This story hits home. A woman and I seemed to really hit it off from the first date, we had a nice time and talked for 3 hours after I took her home. The second date was even better. She initiated much of the physical aspect of our time together, and we once again talked for hours. The dates that followed also had alot of affection and communication. On what turned out to be our last date, she embraced me with her head on my shoulder telling me how much she enjoyed being with me, how much she enjoyed talking with me, and what a great listener I was, and how difficult it was not seeing me in between dates. She wanted to set a date midweek because she wouldn't have to wait as long in between dates. About 12 hours later she called to say it was over, that she was upset that she couldn't feel a spark. She said she wanted to so bad, that she was hoping I was the "one" and that she'd feel the spark, or chemistry, by the morning. I was shocked and devastated. I had thought our ability to communicate, have fun together, the physical bond we had, missing each other in between dates is what chemistry is, and that she simply didn't recognize it-that spark. I don't beg, but I did tell her that I felt that because of a past abusive relationship, she was afraid of what she felt-kind of a denial-and that she'd rather hurt than be hurt down the road. What are your feelings?
I have to ask one question if you see this. I met this girl off bumble and we met and instantly hit it off. We have gone on 5 dates in the last month and have been enjoying each other company however recently I felt like she had alot on her mind and she tells me that she really enjoys my company, who I am and that we get along really well but she also told me she doesn't feel the spark between us. It does bother me because I have heard that before but not sure what to do. I told her I enjoy spending my time with her but also too I'm not here to play mind games! I'm looking for my forever as she is. After all she told me I ask if she wanted to continue this and she said yes, to see where things lead too. Am I wrong for doing so? I do like this girl but now k am guarded
I have been reading this article on and off for the past year at least. I find the entire spark argument to be extremely frustrating and somewhat ridiculous.
Unfortunately we are all being stifled in letting relationships actually last and grow to their full extent by social media, dating apps and the influence of Hollywood and shows like the Bachelor and Bachelorette.
I have dated an incredible and amazing woman for over two years. We shared core values, beliefs, experiences and had kids (from prior marriages) that were introduced into the relationship and I thought we were well on our way to a happy future together.
We had a great life, including intimacy, friendship, travel, affection and mutual respect. We also told each other we loved each other and that we made each other happy.
We even picked engagement rings, planned to move in together and planned a future.
I thought I had it all. An amazing relationship. An expanded family. A future.
Fast forward to a month ago and she said we needed to talk. She told me that she loved me very much and that I was the most amazing man she’d ever met. However, she said she didn’t feel the spark for me. She said she she thought it would develop over time and it did, to an extent. But rather than develop into the intense spark and butterflies it developed into a comfortable relationship.
When I asked if I wasn’t physically attractive to her she told me I was, and that even made her perception of a spark even harder to juggle in her mind. She couldn’t articulate anything bad with our relationship. We’ve never argued, fought or gone to bed angry.
Mind you, this relationship has been ongoing for over two years. She told me that she wanted the spark, that she’d had that in her prior relationships with other guys (never mind the fact that none ever endured obviously).
I told her how much I loved her and that I thought what we had was the real enduring type of love and friendship. Her response was to agree, but that without the spark she didn’t see us lasting. I pointed out that in every relationship, the spark fades, that it is what each other put into a relationship and that common interests, friendship and work are what makes a relationship last. Not the spark.
Unfortunately, she has gone with her quest for the spark. We’re broken up. She tells me she misses me and that this is really hard for her too.
Why would anyone break up an amazing relationship and the memories and experiences and family for something that doesn’t last? Why would anyone want to do this?
Needless to say I’m devastated.
I truly blame our society for this. Women and men are being misled by the Hollywood version of what a relationship is.
News flash. The bachelorette and bachelor aren’t real. They all flame out in massive fashion once the cameras go away and the “spark “ goes away.
I’m left devastated and I wish she’d understand what she may never again find in a relationship.
My heart goes out to you, Kirk. I used to be her. I let someone probably similar to you go simply because he couldn't measure up to the fairytale fantasy I'd been programmed to believe in since the day I was born.
I would only later discover that it wasn't just him; no one could.
It took years of searching to recreate the story casting me as the damsel in distress or some kind of princess and some fantasy of a man as my very own Prince Charming before I realized how lonely and utterly heartbreaking a place that path led to.
That's why I'm here, on my mission to help women just like me sort out the difference between powerful programmed subconscious fantasy that no mere human can ever live up to - ironically, including ourselves - and the reality of a man whose imperfections make him exactly who we want if we can lift that veil.
Not in spite of those imperfections, but again, ironically, because of them. It's simply finding someone capable within himself of loving us for who we are - aside from his own detrimental programming, and someone who we can love for who he is.
Like me, most of us don't wake up to this reality check easily. Kicking and screaming and resisting and holding fast to our dream is more like it. But eventually, after enough of our hearts have been scarred from all the many heartbreaks and reality checks we could have avoided along the way if only could have seen our cultural programming laid bare, some of us do.
I'm encouraged everytime I hear from another woman who found herself here after everything else failed, grateful her eyes were opened enough to find someone who has made her happier than she could ever have imagined, in a package or story far different from the one she had set her heart on. Don't despair!
Reading some of these stories it relates very well to my own!
Met this girl 3months ago at a festival, originally online so we’d be chatting for a while before we met...when we did it was awesome spent the whole the day together/evening/morning. We literally couldn’t believe what we’d found in each other. Saw each other each weekend where we could doing different things. The sez was amazing, we chatted about the different we wanted to do, same things in common, both wanted the same thing.
Then one day she gives me the text ‘I need to talk about us’ big alarm bells and heart rate rose!! We chatted and she said:
‘I don’t want to end what we have it’s veen amazing. The time together I wouldn’t change for anything, I don’t want to make this choice and everything about it feels wrong but I just don’t feel the spark we did in the beginning and don’t want to lead you on thinking there might be something if I feel I’m not fully invested I’m really sorry’ so I said I respect your decision and not going to fight it thou I do tend to cut people off if they hurt me.
She asked me to tell her how I did in my race test. Then 4 days later I got flowers and card sent to her door via my brother he works near her house, just to say thanks for great times and I will miss you.
She got the flowers asked if I’d delivered them as I explained I hadn’t as I respect her decision and space. She replied ‘ah I see...had a nice weekend thanks hope you did to’x
Not spoken since as it hurt me so much my heart got broken and I cried for 2weeks straight, everyday I wake up thinking about her and miss her dearly. I’m not sure what to do as I don’t want to crowd her but we had something good and believe she did it because maybe she’s a commitment phobe. I needed some time to chill and I don’t want to come across rude to her but giving her space, even thou she said space doesn’t work with her and once she makes a decision she tends to stick to it. I love her and not sure how to approach all of this.
Any feedback advice would be brilliant.
She's got commitment issues most likely, sorry 🙁 you met her at a festival. She probably isnt ready to settle down yet and got too worried what you had was real.
Hi Jane, I have read this thread a few times now with great interest. Normally after I've been on what I thought was a good first date only for the lady to say they felt no 'spark' or 'chemistry'. The last date I had we had lots in common, shared interests and same relationship goals etc. We even matched exactly on the qualities we looked for in a partner. For me this is all I'm looking for from a first date and don't even seek the spark! It's starting to wear me down a bit as all I get is the friends zone after 1 date.
I just wanted to share that but my main question is regarding what you say the spark is. i.e. Insecurity and anxiety. I have been single a good few years and am happy being single and don't 'need' a relationship to make me happy however nice it would be to share my life with someone. I haven't felt that spark for a very long time and I'm wondering that if your reasonably ok with yourself and not seeking fulfullment from the other are you likely to feel the spark? (anxiety etc..) Many thanks 🙏
I had two dates with a guy who I felt totally connected to. We had TONS in common. On our first date, he brought me red roses. We both had a good time and enjoyed each others company. On the second date, he asked if he could hold my hand during the performance and I really felt an even greater connection. On the way home, he got weird and acted like a jerk. The following day, he told me I was one of the kindest people he knew but he didn't feel any romantic feelings towards me. I was floored. I'm still shaking my head over this. I'm sorry but you can't just decide you don't like someone after 2 dates. I don't believe in love at first sight either. I told him he led me on and I didn't appreciate that.
This story sounds like mine. Dated a guy for 1 month, then I stopped it, but then we were friends + a little more for 1.5 years. During that 1.5 years, we became best friends, I could tell he was a great match for me, and I began to love him and be in love - but only halfway; the other half of my heart refused to feel anything. Staying with him made me happy and sad simultaneously. I felt like I was settling because I didn't have the feelings I've had for other guys. But I just couldn't let it go. When we'd separate (as we tried several times during that 1.5 years), I'd be glad but also cry my eyes out. We truly bonded, and became each others' rocks. I kept trying because it didn't make sense to me why I couldn't get my heart to be all in. I've also begun to notice that I am attracted to different types of vibes from the one he had, but I was willing to overlook that, because I now knew it didn't matter. Nevertheless, my conscious brain lost that battle and my inner love wiring won. No matter what I overlooked, my heart still said no. I went to therapy and the therapist said maybe I'm not fulfilled in my own life. So now I'm focusing on me and accepting that I cannot change my heart. That it can only change if it wants to with time. That is my only hope in this situation, but I am trying not to put hope in that either, so that I may successfully and lovingly accept myself, and move forward.
And you never know what you might discover about who you're attracted to, Devin, when you peel away all the layers of programming and discover who you are underneath!
I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year and 5 months, at the beginning I felt the “spark” I was really really into him! But I had bad experiences in relationships back then, that one night he told me he was going to start the gym, I freaked out, I don’t know why. I thought he was going to cheat on my to the point where I started crying. A few days past and I was in the shower thinking, “do I love him?” I freaked out even more because I knew I did but the question confused me. I felt panic attacks for two months straight. We broke up and it felt like the end of it for me because I missed him. I even told my mom everything, and she asked me “ if you don’t live him, then why are you crying?” I replayed that question and I was confused because then later on we didn’t see each other until he said if we could see each other as “friends” keep this in mind he broke up with me. I felt so happy around him, it was hard for me to come inside, after that we went out again after two months, everything was amazing I felt happy again, but I started feeling panicked and it cleared the happy feelings from me until I wondered if I had anxiety:( After that, anxiety was my answer. It was constant panic attacks. I was afraid this was going to happen every two months. It stuck in my head...”I’m scared this feeling will come back again every two months” I only felt relieved when I was with him, I felt protected, I care for him so much! I would do anything for him, I feel happy when I’m with him, I laugh and all! We broke up again last November for personal reasons, I felt so happy when I was with him, we went to a baby shower together as friends and he looked at me, I couldn’t help myself but smile, I felt happy again, I wanted to be with him all night that day. I wanted to see him everyday if it was possible! But we were talking about me moving out with him last month I felt so certain because I know I love him and I am just so happy when I’m with him like we can be ourselves with each other and he is just amazing adorable everything!! But one question popped up “why don’t I feel the spark when we kiss like when we first started dating?” I am still freaking out because I have researched this for two days now and I’m scared because most articles I see say “your not in love anymore “ it’s getting in my head! I need help ! I respect my boyfriend like when I go out he’s always in my mind, I care for him deeply, I don’t want anything to keep us apart, I’m scared of not feeling that “spark” why am I feeling like this please help!!!!
Help!!!
So i recently met a nice guy through a friend. He is intelligent, kind, very family oriented and faith oriented which i like. We've met up a few times and i like him as a person and i felt happy but calm around him which is different from the usual spark i feel. But i decided that it was okay and that maybe the spark was just attraction. One thing i find off putting is that he is attractive in my opinion and it doesn't make sense for him to be attracted to me. I'm recovering from disordered eating and have been doing well and he pretty much intimidates me. But he doesn't realize he's attractive and he's never commented on anyone's physical traits- so i have no reason to be this self conscious. He told out mutual friend he needs to get to know me more to feel more of a connection with me before he can figure out to ask me out. Which scares me off a bit. I don't know what to do, i don't know if a connection is different then a spark, he's not perfect but he has the same values as me and i like him i just cant kick the guarded/ skeptical feeling. Please help
So what if you think of him as just someone you want to get to know better? Can you take the pressure off yourself - and him - to be something more or be categorically something more than just someone you've met who seems like he'd be interesting to get to know? It's natural to feel guarded/skeptical if you're in unknown territory instead of the usual "spark" place. Don't worry about surface things like how attractive either of you are right now. If that skepticism is trying to tell you something, it will become more obvious what that is as you get to know him better. But remember this - you don't want to be the one showing him why he should ask you out. It may be you're sensing a pressure to prove that you're worth asking out. Be mindful of that. If it isn't mutual, if you feel like you're putting him up on a pedestal without even knowing anything more about him that what you've mentioned here, that's a concern. Take it slow, and you'll find out more soon enough.
i love this! Thank you so much for this, this is what i keep telling to people!
This is litteraly what happened to me with my man, who walked on me cuz he didnt felt the spark or the spark went off at 5-6months point.
I did everything for him, i loved him so much,i gave him so much, we planned life together and he treated me like i was only woman on the planet.. then something happend... i dont know what, slowly he started pulling away.. and behaving like an asshole. He even includet another woman in this,talking to her behing my back.
I was still good to him, tried to stay strong, support him and love him the best i could dispite his arrogance, but he still walked out... hoping he will start to date other people.
He told me he didnt felt the spark or "attraction"
And for long time he was pushing me away, he didnt let me close, he didnt even kiss me anymore,it was hard to get back the spark when someone puts all the walls up. This has left me so broken and feeling betrayed, that someone who promised me never hurting me or walking on me, he did it anyway, he sayd he would never give up and he did, cuz he didnt see the value in me without the spark! All the good things that I was, it wasnt good enough without spark and excitement.
And now 4months later im still trying to accept what happened i feel leadet on,while he already dating other people! I didnt felt the spark with him aither,it wasnt like a love at first singht thing, but i developed it with time.. i wasnt as attracted to him in the beguining then after a while. It was more a familiar feeling, calmness, something more deeper.
I really thoght he was a love of my life, he sayd i was like his best friend.. I didnt think that is a bad thing.. You need to be able to be friends in your relationship,people who stay together for 30yrs, they dont have spark anymore what they have is the friendship, the deep connection, support and stability.
Ive have myself dated based on sparkle and attraction before when i was in my 20s, it never worked out, when sparkles are gone u will see the true colors of people and realize that its actually not that easy to find a someone thats compatible with you that u would want to spend life with.
I lost my best friend and i miss him every day... <3 People think the grass is somehow greener or they will settle for something less, its all about now much you put in, is what you will get! If you find a real, honest,loving and decent person, never let them go, it will be worst mistake of your life ,you will be going from person to person to find something that you already had.
My best friend and I are completely inseparable. We doe everything together, and I mean EVERYTHING. Movies, comic con, video games, sex, laundry you name it. We are pretty much in an unofficial relationship. He however doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with me because he doesn't feel what he calls a "romantic attraction" for me. When he describes the attraction though it is the same description you gave for the "spark" attraction. He felt it before and wants it back.. I just make him comfortable and happy but not what he is liking for. ?
I enjoyed this article as I know I love my bf but wondered about that spark. I have felt that spark but don't feel it all the time so I question my love for him. It's silly though because this man, in this short period, has become my best friend. I worry for him, think of him, always make sure he is okay and in short don't see myself with anyone else.
I think my hiccup with sparky was when we started having arguments and not seeing eye to eye, things were said that hurt me and that took us a couple steps back. Even then, we went out a couple weeks after and out of the blew we kissed and I felt sparky! I've learned it's just a bump in the road; not everything can be peaches but if the commitment, respect, and happiness is there for that person sparky will come here and there I don't see the need for sparks all the time i dont think its realistic.
we've all been wired to the whole spark is everything that you can't help but question sometimes ya? And so here I am reading articles wondering if I was the only one wondering all while waiting for him to wake up so i can spend the day with my pain in the ass lol 🙂
What a great article, judging by all the responses a very popular one too.
I recently had a couple of dates with a friend of friends. We crossed paths online after commenting in the same subject on Facebook.
We chatted online for a month or so beforehand and got to know each other pretty well before we actually met. Her previous relationship was with a guy who was always unavailable or disinterested.
We are both intelligent, have the same sense of humour and got on like a house on fire.
I've never had so many compliments as I had from this woman. I never judged her or brought up anything from her history that I already knew of (which surprised her immensely).
However, after seemingly ticking all the boxes I get told there was no "spark" and that it was best for her not to invest any more time in me due to this fact.
To say I was gutted is an understatement.
I think there is a saying that "You can't choose who you love and you can't choose who loves you".
I guess this is true.
I was thrilled to read your article. I've always said "chemistry" is the Fool's Gold of relationships. It drives me crazy when relationship "experts" give it legitimacy. Then I was dumped because there wasn't "an indescribable spark." Shortly after, she met someone with whom she shared that "spark, on all levels," and he was her mirror. He dumped her after about a month. So much for spark, wouldn't you say?
Love is as much a question of the will as it is the emotion.
Hi Jane,
I'm in a huge dilemma. I've been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years now, and ever since we started dating i kept urging myself not to over criticize how he is so that I don't feel resentment (I'm a very picky person). Anyways, ever since we started dating when I'm with him I'm super happy he makes me feel great and I try my best to make him feel great too because he is worthy of it!! But when I'm alone on my own all those doubts come up and it kills me and tires me. I keep holding on to him because he's the greatest I've ever had, but I don't feel the spark much though he says he is passionately in love with me, I love him too but I am more the more mature kind of love, but to him I'm like his very first passionate lovey dovey relationship, as if its some highschool love sometimes I even wonder what is 5th he loves so much about me. so you can imagine the self doubt I'm in, how did you get over this dilemma? Its killing me slowly, ill deeply appreciate your response and advice.
P.s.: the relationships where I felt this crazy spark always ended up in a bad way, if I look back i see myself o being needy of them more than anything. And the relationships where I was the receiver i was always defensive when the person shows passion and affection towards me. So receiving all this love from him makes me feel perplexed sometimes, and me on the other hand I'm not a very affectionist person with my friends nor family.
Thanks!
I'm still not sure about my relationship tho.. like me and my boyfriend have been together for one month already, we still had the spark when we started getting together but so fast there's no sparks anymore right now.. 🙁 like I don't feel loved and I asked him do you feel any sparks in our relationship he says 'no.. but as long as we love each other then it's okay, I'm happy to have you '
I just felt like he just don't want to make me feel sad that's why he's talking like that
but I feel that it's still a bad thing like we only started dating for one month, and so fast there's no sparks anymore.. what should I do.. ? Or am I just not the right one for him or should I ask him to go find another girl? Maybe I'm just not the right one for him.. I don't know..
Thank you so much for setting people straight on this. Your comment about how she should have been attracted to him really hit home for me. I have never been married. Almost every date I go on ends without a second because of the same reason. They say that they don't feel "the spark". Quite frankly, it is frustrating to have the same problem (or excuse) stated over and over. Especially if there seems to be nothing I can do about it. I am a big believer in learning from one's mistakes, but when you can't find out what those mistakes are, how can you learn from them?
I came across your website whilst scrolling through the Internet looking for answers I guess.
I came out of a long term relationship at the beginning of the year with someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I'd never ever found a bond like it before, or a spark so bright. I was obsessed with him. But because of this I over looked his traits that were not as nice, he was controlling and emotionally abusive to where I just assumed that was part of 'love'. Every one else could see it but me as I still had this fire inside me that was crazy about him. Thank fully it all came tumbling down & I found the strength to leave him & have had to start what feels like my life all over again.. move back home, lost my job, my freedom where I was living etc.
I honestly thought I would be alone to find myself again for a long time. However I ended up naturally becomming so close to a guy I worked with. We'd worked together for a good 6 months previously & I remember once being asked 'would you date him?' & I instantly replied 'ergh oh goodness no he's not my type in the slightest!' But I started feeling almost like this gravatational pull towards him that I couldn't seem to pull out of. It felt odd because it wasn't a spark, but it was a something. He had also just got out of a relationship similiar to mine, we connected. He asked me what my favourite colour was & then the following day a huge bunch of flowers turned up at work for me.. I was totally oblivious & assumed it was my colleagues that had sent them as an early birthday gift until he came past me & whispered 'Oh look, they're pink' so when he explained they were to make me smile & asked me out on a date I couldn't say no! There was something there so strong that we ended up sleeping together on our very first date, which is usually a BIG no no for me but I don't regret it. Our sex life was incredible! More so than I ever have had with anyone else before. We became a couple not long after & spent pretty much every weekend we could together planning days out. My attraction started growing more & more for him & when it was just us laying in bed together I'd look at him sometimes & think 'wow, I love you.'
But then is where it started to go wrong, for some reason something came over me that I could not get rid of. I became down, emotional all the time & questioning EVERYTHING! I had voices in my head saying 'he's not the one'. 'he's too shy for you' 'you haven't found your dream guy yet' etc. Ever since I was young I'd always had this 'list' of what my future husband would be / look like. Tall, dark & handsome who knows how to dress himself well, down to earth but a bit of a cheeky chap & wants more out of life than the norm. This guy is pretty much opposite. Whilst he's tall and I do find him attractive he has no understanding of fashion. He'd rather be comfortable than look good & to me I think you can find both & fashion is something I've always had so much interest in. Without wanting to sound 'superficial' it lessened my attraction towards him that he wouldn't make an effort. He'd sometimes go out with an unironed t-shirt because 'no one will notice'. I guess I thought I could help this part of him & maybe he was a little lost so I gave him some opinions of clothes when out shopping, whilst he's usually shy he hardly spoke the whole day & I had from that started to think he was too quiet for me & just not right for me so we broke up the following day 🙁
He said he felt like I was trying to find a guy in him that isn't him, that I started to seem somewhat controlling to his ways & thought we'd be better off apart.
I spent a week I guess thinking it was for the best, I'd been shocked at how I'd been with him without even noticing & felt awful. But I tried to pick myself up by telling myself that maybe there is that tall dark handsome confident outgoing guy out there for me that would start a fire in me & this was an experience to prove that. However forward a week later we could not stop ourselves from talking to eachother, I would wake up thinking of what he's up to, if he's feeling ok, start to really miss him.. then once I admitted it to him he said he had been the same. We agreed to stay friends & met up for a day out shopping & had the best time together we have ever had! Constant chat, laughter, jokes. It was like a huge weight had been lifted, something had changed. I'd just started to feel like wow I can actually spend a day with him & not feel anything other than friendship & we're having so much fun this is great! But talking about how we both felt on the way home he turned around to me & said 'the thought of you being with someone else would kill me inside to know that I couldn't of made you happy when that's all you deserve'. I couldn't hold back & just burst in to tears! He looked me straight in the eyes to ask if I was ok & it all happened so suddenly but we kissed & then cuddled in to eachother & both at the same time ended up saying 'I love you'. It was like a force had bought us together again. We both agreed however to stay separated, live our own lives & see what happens as we both felt very confused.
But since then it's all I can think about, the thought of losing him kills me inside, he's a really amazing guy who knows how to treat a woman & he's my best friend but because we have some clashing interests & attractions & he's not the man on my future husband list (which I worry that if I settle for what I think is right I may miss him which I know is awful!) I put my walls up. So right now I just feel lost & confused.
I've always been scared to settle down with someone in case it doesn't work out, I've always wanted to be with one man for the rest of my life when I make that commitment. I guess having family & friends around me constantly ending up divorced, separated & single parents gives me so much anxiety. But then when I try relationships with a 'spark' they never work out.
A year ago i met this wonderful man.... He is 15 years older than me..im 25 and he is 40. He has been thru alot...13 relationships to be exact...and i fell hard for him over time and gradually i became his friend first and foremost. On our tenth month he began talking to someone else...i confronted him and he said he enjoyed espending tome with me and hanging out but he didn't feel a spark...it wS then that it hit me...he is the type of person that lives for the spark the whirlwind of emotions that fade away....and he hasn't realized it.....it broke my heart but i explained to him that even do. I respected his thoughts and his feelings i didn't believe in the spark i believed love needed a strong foundation in order to grow not a spark that would fade away.
I loved this article! I hope it can be true to me. I am with an amazing guy. When i was younger i wrote a list of everytbing i wanted in a man and added to it as i experienced things in different relationships. My boyfriend noe fits every discription on that list. We have the same christian values, hes funny, outgoing, very thoughtful, goodlooking, and he always puts me first. I am just scared to fully commit because i dont always feel a "spark". There are many days where i am anxious about the relationship and wonder if i can truly be happy in it. I have a past with an emotionally abusive father, and have dated plenty of losers in my time. I felt sparks with some of the previous guys i dated that im not feeling with my current boyfriend. This is the first time i have ever dated a genuinely great guy! There are so many what iffs in the back of my mind. What if he doesnt make me as happy as i could be? What if i am meant to be with someone else and i miss it? What if i do marry him and regret it later and am never truly happy? Why cant i let myself just be happy and commit to him? Any thoughts?
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Rachael! Imagine yourself down the road with him, years from now. What matters then? What's it like to be with him then? I wrote a post about this that captures a conversation I had with a group of women who were reflecting on exactly this topic - what really matters. I hope it helps. Try not to overthink him, or you, or the relationship. What if you just be with him? Who's expecting more from you or more from love, or more from him and the relationship? Is if your own expectations, the culture's, or your family and friends? Sometimes that's the part that's coming into play here. In the end, trust yourself. Without all the chatter, we always know far more than we ever think we do.
I have a lot of trouble understanding this article. It feels like this is the equivalent of just being with somebody you don't have any feelings for, or lukewarm at best. What is the point of being in a relationship with somebody for whom you don't feel a spark? It sounds like settling, or being with somebody just to be with somebody. I guess this may work for some people but it seems pretty low to aim. I would rather have a relationship i'm passionate about than one that just feels platonic.
But what if there's nothing real behind that spark, Sky? What if there's no substance, no actions that back up the feelings, nothing but heartbreak when the truth comes out in the end? What then? This is such a difficult concept for so many of us to get our heads around, so I'm glad you've reached out for more here. It's not about settling, it's not about aiming low or going for the platonic because we've had nothing but heartbreak in searching for that feeling. It's about honing in on what matters most to you. It's about peeling away the layers of what that spark means to you so that you're not going to fall for just someone who gives you a certain kind of feeling, but someone who can give you that feeling with something real to back it up. So often we settle for the spark and rob ourselves of a real true kind of love relationship only because we don't know how to differentiate between the two. It's not one or the other. It's not all or nothing. It's creating an awareness within yourself so the you don't set yourself up to miss out on the very thing you're looking for only because we've been so programmed to think it has to look and feel a certain way! I hope this helps. Let me know if you need me to break it down further. This is exactly why I wrote this one. Of all the things we talk about on here, getting to your own root of this one has created some of the most significant shifts in finding the only kind of love we ever deserve - a real one each one of us can personally live with!
This was an amazing read and I feel so much better after this. I didn't start looking for someone after my breakup with my ex 4 years ago. There was a girl I dated for a little over a month and I felt like we were so compatible with each other. I loved listening to her talk about herself and family and she brightened my day whenever we talked. We saw each other over 7 times over the month and I loved spending time with her.
Thing is, I was the one initiating the texting most of the time and setting up the dates. She did tell me it takes a while for her to like someone and I understood that and was patient with her. My goal was to make her fall in love with me or like me. But as you said, she didn't feel the "spark". She felt nothing during the times we talked or saw each other and said in the future, she won't feel anything either. And so, she didn't want to continue giving this a try. I felt devastated as I didn't open my heart to someone after 4 years and I finally started having feelings for someone. I did the best I could to be a good man to her and treat her with respect, kindness, and even a little romance but she didn't reciprocate any feelings back.
Well, I can't do anything about it life has to go on but I felt she should have given this more time and realized what I great partner I would have been to her. I'm in a little phase right now but reading articles and posts like this will help me get through this. So Thank You for this great post and reading everyone's stories from the comments.
🙂
That sucks, doesn't it, Sohrab? When you invest yourself so much into someone, trying to prove your worth and your value by getting them to choose you and they simply don't. I have been right there and I feel your pain. From where I sit now, I can say that this, the very fact that you are trying to convince someone of your value is the biggest red flag of all. This is the very sign that says: you are choosing the wrong person for you.
When you find a woman that is right for you, you won't have to prove anything. You will be who you truly are, no second guessing, no trying, it will be simple. She will respond to you as you are, she will accept you as you already are, and it will be easy. You won't have to try that hard. I have heard over and over again that men are raised to do the chasing, the conquering, the courting thing. Could it be that you are falling into this trap? Could it be the programming, the conditioning saying you prove yourself when you finally get her to love you because of your trying hard?
I don't know if this is your case, but it is the case for many men I know and for many women like me who have been programmed to be this or that to get a man to like them. I have questioned all of that and awoken to the fact that it is not healthy. A true, healthy relationship is one where both people appreciate each other, respect each other, and are who they truly are without masks, without trying too hard, who love each other and want the same thing with each other. It really is simple. Efforts have to be made, but they don't feel like a battle. You simply are compatible. It flows.
I am glad you are feeling better every day, and remember your job is not to convince anyone. Your job is to be true to yourself, to show up as the kind, loving, authentic man you naturally are and the woman who is right for you will see you and appreciate you for who you are.
Hugs.
I felt I love him. I've known him few years ago. we had a one night stand. and a very short relationship.but, our communication was lost. but, I still think of him and I still love him.It was the same old feeling. there was a time that we wer about to see each other again. but, I was feeling really nervous that time. my hands and feet wer shakin. I don't have the gut's to face him. I felt different,very nervous.and then,we were not successful of seeing each other again. and after that, he didn't riply on my messages to him. we wer like a strangers afterwards. he was thinking that I was only making fun of him. years, later we didn't see each other again. and I already forget him. there was a time that my attention was transferred to other man. and we had a date.but, it didn't last long. until, such time that I had the chance to saw him again. and I felt the same way again. my feeling's for him came back.I constantly thinking of him. I felt that he still feels the same.it just that that things had happened wer very un healthy for us. and he stalk on my facebook. because I saw his name often.is there a chance for us after all that happened? is this love? I felt something nerve wrecking when I think of him more often. thank's a lot...lovelot's...mwah...
Hi! I really enjoyed reading your "Stop Looking for the Elusive Spark" page. I recently was dating a guy and we hit it off, had tons of chemistry, tons in common, lots of overlap in our lives, and enjoyed each other's company. I won't lie, the sex was great too. We are close in our work, so I wanted to make sure we were being careful and boom..start back pedaling. Within the month he told me he looked forward to seeing me, talking to me, the sex was definitely awesome, that I'm everything he wants but the room didn't light up when I walked in and I didn't give him butterflies. It was a kick in the gut. We are both 45, not teenagers. Did he forget the texts he sent that he couldn't concentrate on work because he was thinking about me? I have learned the lesson that butterflies don't last and I know what a good partner is and what it requires. This was quite painful. It made me feel insecure about myself and it's stressful knowing that I will have to face him in the future and right now just want to tell him how immature he is...but maybe I'm wrong....Maybe I'm naïve...?
I had this happen to me recently. I had been friends with a guy online for years. We happened to meet when he was in town and was relocating to an area closer to me and I had totally not anticipated it, but we actually did have a connection. I told him I liked him and when we went home we spent the next several months talking about being together. We seemed to come to agreement on everything and really started to care for each other. We both said we wanted something serious together. Then when he moved, we spent two weekends together, crazy sexual chemistry, but he said there wasn't enough of a "spark" for the future. I was pretty devastated because we were friends, got along, had great sex, what the hell else do you want after just two weeks together? I told him it's his loss and in the end, it will be. He's looking for a fairy tale when he could have had a stable, loving, healthy relationship in the real world. In my mind, sexual chemistry is enough chemistry, the rest is friendship, support, love and respect. That's what makes a relationship.
"He's looking for a fairy tale when he could have had a stable, loving, healthy relationship in the real world. In my mind, sexual chemistry is enough chemistry, the rest is friendship, support, love and respect. That's what makes a relationship."
This last paragraph echoes EXACTLY how I feel. I could not have stated it better. Problem is I wish I had the spine to tell him this to his face and also tell him what he is missing out by not seeing ME standing right in front of him, ready to offer him a loyal loving heart. I don't know why, a man with such a brilliant mind, cannot see this. My heart aches constantly over this.
I was in an abusive, mental and physical relationship for nearly 8 years and knew I had to get out as it also turned to sexual abuse as all the hurt took its toll and sex began to be a chore and I was sometimes bullied into it.
I had had a male FRIEND at this point for about the last three years and I'd told him about my relationship and he knew what I was going through as he'd had a relationship similar and was mistreated by a woman for ten years. Being such a kind hearted person he offered me my own bedroom with ensuite at his house and the help with getting back to my old self without any expense no matter how long it would take.
I happened to take this offer up and left the abusive relationship I was in which has been very painful as I still love him but know he's no good for me and that I will not go back this time no matter what.
The chap who I am now living with, which seems like an arranged marriage, really fancies me. I am forty six and he is sixty eight so to start with there is a big age gap. I did have an inkling that it could turn into a relationship of some kind though I'm finding it rather fast.
The thing is I've not got butterflies for him or even fancy him BUT we get on really well, we laugh, we talk, we do everything together Like a married couple and do more so than in the previous relationship. We have friends and family around, they love him, and have good fun, even the same sense of humour .
I have been living with him for three months now and cannot commit to sleeping in his bed but have had sex four times in the last four weeks which is nothing in comparison to the sex life I once had when I was in love with my previous lover as really that's all our relationship was based on .
I do love this new man as he's so caring , lovely , thoughtful etc etc and what I really need after the abuse I have had over the years. The problem I have is that I'm not in not sexually attracted to him and will avoid any form of intermisey if I can as in not attracted to him that way.
Everything else about him is top draw.
I can afford to buy a property but feel I do not want to leave him and wonder if my feelings will grow.
He's got a good body for his age but looks his age .
Just what should I do?
Is it possible that I could fall in love with him?
Thank you
I felt for someone but then only when we met each other physically. On the phone and texting we are like totally dont have that spark. What does that really mean?
Hello
So my story is just recently I returned to the guy who I had best chemistry with in the past but suddenly the spark wasn't there like before and I felt like he knew it too. I told him I haven't liked anyone like I used too like I did with him in the past but I told him honesty that I wasn't feeling the spark and haven't with anyone at all he told me maybe I haven't trusted anyone so it's harder to feel close through those experiences I've had in the past it felt like he was right, things feel amazing to really trust someone I felt like he was right. I really felt in love those 4 years ago meeting him the first time and we hit it off. Now it's turned silently boring, he gave a rose in the end and I had hopes of ("is he interested to see me again?") sadly I had to tell myself the spark wasn't there he felt it too. And I believe it ended like that maybe, reading this article makes so much sense you just fall inlove with the person long term that's how I fell in love the first time with someone else. Even though it was boring he is like the perfect guy I've ever wanted now I don't know what to do.
Hello, i hardly look for advice online, but i have a problem. i have met a girl online im 22 shes 18. we had a good connection and i liked her, after a few months of dating, i realized she had much deeper feelings for me than i did. i felt like perhaps with time my feelings would increase. I asked her to be my girlfriend. and we are almost one month in to a relationship. things are fine... but it dawned on me that i have seemingly no real connection. I care about her alot, and want to give her the best, but i have felt even when we kiss not really passion. we have mostly different hobbies and interests. shes sensitive and i am too, Its often she gets upset over something little i did and doesnt let it go making me hurt. there is something about her personality that appears as a turn off to me, i will try to dig deeper into understanding it. i dont want to hurt her, but i feel a bit unhappy that i dont feel the same way as she feels about me.
im unsure if i should confront her about how i feel. or just wait for time and patient's to see if my feeling grows.
if you have any suggestions that would be awesome!
Kyle
I actually came across your article "Stop Looking for That Elusive Spark" I am currently going through my own love challenges. My story is actually exactly about having that "Spark". My best friend who is my roommate, as we are both entrepreneurs we help each other out with lots and work together in many ways. I never thought we would have challenges.. as we got along had so much fun together and never though of him as a potential "Mate". Our beliefs Spiritually, Intellectually align. In many ways we started caring about each other a lot and that scared him... and really hurt me. One day he's telling me he really cares about me but he's not ready... later hes fighting for his freedom, while he runs off to dance with other girls when we go out. Slowly mentioning he needs his freedom. I personally don't ask him to tell me anything about his life.. and many times he voluntarily tells me whats going. Through out this whole situation I have also learn that men find attraction in a woman who they Emotionally connect to. He is definitely emotionally connected to me, always coming to me to talk about things but on the other hand he is sure us being together will ruin our powerful friendship and does not want to get into a relationship. Also considering we are in a negative space and in some ways I believe he fears himself as well. I too have fears when It comes to love and have worked on Self-love a LOT. I am always improving and many times I as myself if I truly accomplished self love, would I be in this situation to begin with? A while ago he spoke to me about how living together was not a good idea.. we talked about us and the crazzzzy amount of tension we have. It's like everyday we are around each other this force is just always in between us.. it goes away when we hug or we talk. I know we love each other and this tension is from not giving that love to one another.. and it is tearing us apart, as he admitted to that perhaps being true. Two people loving each other and not giving that love to one another creates serious tension. (I've learn that for sure) Upon him talking to me about moving out and our tension. He says to me "But we never had that spark." then later says "We have sexual tension" I thought to myself how does that work? Isn't "The spark" two people attracted to each other and love? It makes no sense to me. My close GF said it's the silliest thing she has heard. I'm getting to the point where I feel ever our friendship is not good. How am I suppose to be friends with someone who resists loving me? All I see there is more heart break. The options I see at this point for my happiness is A. Be together or B. Cut off our friendship so I can heal cause it hurts. I believe Jane has an amazing point, that spark IS love it grows over time you have to feed it with love... and it will turn into fire works. People now days think everything happens with magic but some of the greatest love stories have 2 people over coming great trials together.
He sounds like someone who either doesn't know what he wants or just wants the good things he gets from you, but not you.
I personally would cut off this friendship because it no longer is friendship if one is having stronger feelings or different wants.
Staying around waiting for him to change his mind will destroy your peace and sense of self-love. As painful as it is, I would choose me over him.
I have been in this situation and it only brought me pain. What was even more painful at the time was that the minute I cut him off, he found himself a girlfriend.
Now I understand that he just liked what he got out of me, but never truly cared about me in the slightest. An honest man, who cares about you even if it's just as a friend would never take advantage of you knowing he cannot reciprocate your feelings. He would be honest and distance himself, not stick around to eat the cake while you hurt. Think about that.
Recently I met this girl I feel extremely comfortable with about a month ago. We both share so many common interests and I can just be myself when im with her. We are currently in a fwb relationship and I'm not even the slightest ashamed of introducing her to my friends. I don't think I feel a "spark" for her and I don't care. I feel like we could make a solid relationship. However, she doesn't feel the same way and said she doesn't feel the spark. She says she feels like she could like me but not for the right reasons. I have never been in a relationship before but everything just feels right. I told her to give it some time and she said she would consider it. She's been hurt by her previous ex and says she is emotionally exhausted. I'm not in a rush either and I am willing to wait until she's ready. I'm sure she's felt that spark for her exes(she's had 4) but like all the previous ones they probably never truly appreciated her for who she was like I do. I would just like to know if there's any hope for a relationship. Even if there isn't I will still be there for her.
I (very ) recently met a man whom I thought I could only dream up. I was waiting to meet someone like him. He has all of the things I have prayed for and then some. We met November 5th, he invited me to his company Christmas party December 18th when I heard him calling me his new girlfriend. I met HIS PARENTS on a weekend getaway December 23rd, we had a getaway on New Years Eve, then in January went skiing together for a week, and then to NYC Valentines day weekend to meet more family. We didn't see each other that much in between these things we did together because we both travel a lot for work and after dating seriously for 4 months we have broken up two weeks ago. He told me it was because he is busy with work and I deserve someone who will give me the time I deserve. I felt there was more behind the reason and after talking out our breakup reasons over a drink he basically admitted that on paper I was everything he wrote down on paper for what he wanted in a woman after his divorce. But then explained to me that he wasn't sure if his work importance and busy schedule has him incapable of reciprocating my feelings and keeping him from falling in love. A key piece of information I must add is that this man has been married before- his ex wife cheated on him and once he divorced, his rebound girlfriend was only into him for his money so its very likely he has never seen what a healthy real relationship looks like or even is about. In my early twenties I had fatal attraction and chemistry with a guy whom I dated for 2 to 3 years and painfully knew I shouldn't marry him. I didn't understand why I needed to break up with him for no reason but now (and especially after reading this article) that I understand it isn't the only thing needed for a meaningful relationship to last forever. We were very different people with different core views. I now understand my recent break up was caused by lack of "spark" but there are reasons the "spark" couldn't have come about because of my lack of body language and openness for that chemistry between us. Its almost as if this relationship with this man brought me to awareness of my closed heart but at the same time I cannot stop crying because I felt so intensely and care for him so much!! We talked through text every single day from morning to night about our days, we have had 2 hour phone conversations, he loved to share everything with me from pictures to telling me how big meetings went and I encouraged him, cared to listen, cared about his hobbies and everything he liked and he did with me as well. We have loads of things in common and I think we could have something amazing but he may have wrong expectations of how a beautiful relationship can be because he has never had something healthy and good with a woman. I am such a mess with what-if's and just want him to realize what he just gave up but I know I don't have the ability to do that.
I need help. I stumbled across this article and thought this is just the person who might be able to help me.
I have been living with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is my bestfriend in the entire world and I love him dearly. He is an amazing person and an amazing boyfriend.
When we first started dating I told him right from the beginning that I do not tolerate lying. So guess what he did....lied (there was no Infedelity and I trust that he never would, regardless the lie was a big lie. )As soon as I caught him in the lie (about 7 months ago) my emotional switch just shut off.
He has made a huge effort to make things better and has succeeded. He has not changed and I would never want him to change. He just picked the things that he did not like too much about himself and tried to better those qualities.
Dispite all of his effort and trying, my connection and spark never came back. When we kissed or cuddled I felt safe but nothing else. I was just going through the motions.
I recently broke up with him due to this reason. I did not think it was fair for him to be with me when I felt lack of connection/spark/desire.
Can these feelings come back? If so, how? If not, is it possible to stay in a loving relationship without the connection/spark/desire but just pure appreciation for the other person? Help
They can if you want them to, Ash, but it sounds like the violation of trust that happened here is affecting those feelings you used to have. When we feel like we have to protect ourselves, even if it's a subconscious feeling, it's hard to let ourselves feel a connection/spark/desire until we've recsolved that.
Hi Jane,
I started dating the most amazing man five months ago. The spark brought me to my knees and NO there are no red flags. I asked for a loving, easygoing, intelligent and kind man who honors who I was and after several "bad guys" (all with an intense spark, yes) the universe presented me with him. Our friend group is the same. And there are no games. No chase, nothing, just open and honest caring and I'm so not used to it. He is kind of quiet and gives me all the space I need so this added to my infatuation with him.
Anyway last month we jumped into a trip to Mexico together. I was beyond happy and clung to him the whole plane ride there. I boasted to all my friends and family that I found The One! Halfway through the trip he got sick..and I got sunburnt. I took no time alone. I tried to care for him as we just hid away in our air conditioned hotel but I found myself growing irritated and his minor flaws began to grow in my eyes causing me to feel like I was losing interest. The plane landed home and I ran for my space. Since then I've been an emotional wreck. Not only am I embarrassed if I actually told someone I loved them without really realizing what love meant, but I truly do think he is so perfect for me! But that "spark" seems to be gone. I'm grieving for it, like an immature little girl I know.
My best friend and mother both think that I am terrified to transition into a commited stage and to find out what real love is, so I am putting up my walls. They think this will happen with any guy I am with so I owe it to myself to try this. His patience and understanding at my changed mood is somehow "boring" to me and I know how cruel that sounds believe me.
I still feel excitement to see him because I enjoy his company, but don't desire to jump on him right now and rip his clothes off. I am a person who needs a lot of space. And I haven't dealt with some of my own issues the past while so they have piled up with this one and I am waking every morning with anxiety, tense stomach and somehow throughout the day sometimes find it hard to breathe, particularly when I'm obsessing over whether he is The One or not and how I can avoid hurting him and what's best for me. I read up on romantic OCD the other day and it resonates a bit with me? I do love him..but I've loved many men as fellow wonderful human beings without them being right for me . When I write down a list of his pros, they fill an entire page. When I write the cons, it is one thing haha (his age, 3 years younger than me). I'm 25. So silly right..how do I stop these feelings and doubt? How can I transition into a stage of real love and express it because he deserves it? I can move on from the puppy love feelings...but what comes next must be better right? Even if it requires work.
Please help me Jane!!
Sorry for ranting on. Thank you
I dont understand what the person on the other side of this relationship is supposed to do? The person who finds out that their partner doesnt feel a spark towards them, what are they supposed to do with that information? Am i supposed to accept that im with someone who doesnt love me the same way i love them? Am i supposed to accept that to them there will always be something "missing" that theyve had in previous relationships but not with me? How can i be sure that my partner, who i have 100 sparks for on a daily basis n is my whole world, will one day have a spark for me? How is this decided n how is it fair? He doesnt want to leave me, he thinks our relationship is perfect in everything except this spark. It confuses him n makes him unsure of marrying me bcuz what if it never develops n what if he meets someone else who he gets a spark with? I am deeply hurt bcuz i know in my heart this guy is my soul mate, he is everything. But there is always a wall he puts up when it comes to building a life with me n taking the next step, n im at a point where i feel i have to leave him. At first wen he wud honestly bring up this issue, i wud accept it n say to myself sometimes u hv to love someone so much, more than anyone has ever loved them for them to see ur worth n thats what ive been doing. I dont think that he can live without me now. We have been together for 3 years n i dont think he sees his life without me. He has been in several serious relationships before me, all awful n abusive but also had intense love. I feel so insecure about this issue that i just think i have to leave him. What the hell am i supposed to do?
You accept the reality of what is and go back to you and honestly answer this question: can I live like this? Is this all I deserve?
It worries me that you believe you have to love someone for them to see your worth. That's not how it works. People love you for who you are or they don't. Simple. You don't have to try so hard and do anything, other than be who you honestly are.
If he doesn't want to take that next step and you want to get married, all this means is you're two people on two very different pages. This is not your soulmate, no matter how much you want him to be. How could he be if he doesn't feel the same way about you?
Start building your own life apart from this man, slowly focusing on you and let go. Stop trying and start listening to yourself. I know how hard it is, but there's no other way for you to get out of limbo.
Whatever you feel he gives you, find it in yourself. That way you don't have to look to someone to complete you.
Think about your dreams, goals, hobbies, friends, family and activities that make you happy that don't include him, and start being present with those much more. It'll put things into perspective and you'll realize this isn't the end of the world, as much as it feels that way right now.
You let go and remember that if things are meant to be, they'll happen without you trying.
If you have to beg, try, cajole, manipulate or convince someone, they're NOT right for you.
im not trying to convince him or anyone with anything. He loves me for who i am, he has never asked me to change. He knows my worth. He doesnt even acknowledge this really as an issue. Im the one who feels like theres something wrong if the person u love tells u the sparks are few/ less than what he's experienced before. He tells me he feels the exact same way sometimes. He says that deeper level of love is just growing slowly.
I dont want to be married because i have some personal growth to work on before taking that step. However we are engaged so that sometimes puts pressure on me.
I didnt mean it that i have to prove my worth, just that mayb he's never been loved this much before. That was in the past anyway, now i dont c it this way.
I understand ur point of view. Thanku
By "exact same way" i mean he feels the sparks that i do, however it is rare
I just found this and can't agree more..
I have been dating a guy (21) for a little over 4 months. Everything was great and I felt so relaxed with him, even started to fall for him. Everything was just really easy and we had so much fun together, it just felt right. Yesterday he ended things because he said he wasn’t in love with me yet and if it didn’t happen now, then it wouldn’t happen at all. He really liked me and said if he wasn’t going to fall in love with me, he wasn’t going to fall in love at all. He really liked me and said I was the most beautiful, smart, and sexy girl he’s been with but just didn’t feel butterflies (which is what he thinks love feels like).
When he was ending it, he was crying as well and said he didn’t cry in like 3 years. And he is constantly saying that he does really like me, that it wasn’t just nothing there at all.. He was adamant about making me know that he does really like me, just not in love with me.. He said he was always wondering if he loved me or not and said he asked all his friends about how he would know if he was in love. They said he would know by now, but I think it’s insane that he’s listening to his friends and basing his experiences on theirs. He said he was never in love before and I have never been in love yet either, until I started to love him.. And also I am the longest he’s been with a girl, and he thinks you fall in love with someone within the first two months.
I truly believe that he has more feelings than he thinks he does, just not this all-consuming love that he expects.. For me, I think it’s absolutely crazy that he broke up with me because he wasn’t in love in 4 months. Am I wrong to think this? Is there any way that I could get through to him? I feel as if he didn’t truly try to love me and be open to it, and would just like him to try and wait a couple more months. Is he just confused or is it really over? I just can’t see how he didn’t feel anything. Is there any way he will come back? My friends are saying yes, and others are saying no.. I did sort of beg him to try again the next day, but haven't contacted him since. Is this a totally lost cause?
You cannot control what other people do nor what they feel. Remember that your life is about you. Focus on you, not him. Whenever a man tells you he's not in love with you, he doesn't want a relationship, he's not ready, etc. Believe him. Take him at his word. The rest doesn't matter.
You don't get through to anyone about what they feel because you don't know that yourself. Don't bear that with you because it's not yours to carry.
If there's anything I have learned in life is that we cannot spend our life trying to make someone understand or want us. It's a waste of time and it slowly erodes our self-esteem and sense of self-worth.
We can only focus on our own life, our own hobbies, and our own feelings and be with those who can reciprocate and who want to be with us and can be with us of their own accord, no convincing needed.
Thank you so much for writing this!! So eloquently put, this is exactly what I needed and was looking for. This article made me really think deeply about the current relationship I'm technically in. My boyfriend and I noticed that our feeling have changed since the beginning of the relationship. It's not that they've gone away but they're not as strong as they were at the beginning. Don't get me wrong because we still love each other very much but it's not the same.
We had a couple weeks where we didn't really talk or hangout much because he went out of town to visit family and then when he got back it was finals week so we were drowned in schoolwork. Then after finals I left for a trip with my family, a week into the trip I was talking to him on the phone just discussing the change we both noticed in our relationship. We decided to take a break to get some distance between us and figure out if we really wanna be together.
He kept saying that he was worried. That he "Wants it to work, doesn't have total faith that it will. Can only hope". He said that he doesn't want the relationship to drag on to the point where our feelings just keep decreasing and we both get hurt in the end.
It's funny because when we're together, it feels like nothing else in the world matters. It's just him & I. We both wanna mend this relationship and find what the issue is but are we just in false hope? Neither of us really want it to end and we both wanna fight for the relationship but we both have no idea what we're doing or where this is going.
I'm still currently on this break with him and we haven't talked since we broke it off, in his words "temporarily". But I need help fast!! Is there a way I can find what's wrong and fix what's going on? Cuz there is a spark but it's just not as strong as it was. I really miss him and his friends tell me he misses me a lot but I can only hope that this works out. Please help a girl out!!
This article made me really think deeply about the current relationship I'm technically in. My boyfriend and I noticed that our feeling have changed since the beginning of the relationship. It's not that they've gone away but they're not as strong as they were at the beginning. Don't get me wrong because we still love each other very much but it's not the same.
We had a couple weeks where we didn't really talk or hangout much because he went out of town to visit family and then when he got back it was finals week so we were drowned in schoolwork. Then after finals I left for a trip with my family, a week into the trip I was talking to him on the phone just discussing the change we both noticed in our relationship. We decided to take a break to get some distance between us and figure out if we really wanna be together.
He kept saying that he was worried. That he "Wants it to work, doesn't have total faith that it will. Can only hope". He said that he doesn't want the relationship to drag on to the point where our feelings just keep decreasing and we both get hurt in the end.
It's funny because when we're together, it feels like nothing else in the world matters. It's just him & I. We both wanna mend this relationship and find what the issue is but are we just in false hope? Neither of us really want it to end and we both wanna fight for the relationship but we both have no idea what we're doing or where this is going.
I'm still currently on this break with him and we haven't talked since we broke it off, in his words "temporarily". But I need help fast!! Is there a way I can find what's wrong and fix what's going on? Cuz there is a spark but it's just not as strong as it was. I really miss him and his friends tell me he misses me a lot but I can only hope that this works out. Please help a girl out!!
Thanks for the article. I wouldn't normally do this, but then again one tends to reach out when one is looking for honest feedback. Am I in love? Did this just happen?
I met a girl who lives in another country. We met via social media and actually she reached out to me. I will mention she is from my hometown and extenuating circumstances have her abroad. This romance began in October and ended in December.
The nuts and bolts are this: we became very close, we shared everything at all times of day--Skype on our respective lunch hours, all weekend long, texting frequently when not engaged otherwise. None--absolutely none of this was forced communication--it was complete and utter discovery. It was the kind of discovery that you seriously doubt you could ever have again. This speaks to the original spark--the flames of discovery--while also alluding to long term prospects. We shared our hopes and dreams, what we planned on doing when she returned to the States, our careers aligned somewhat, we have an amazing similarity for adventure and unique opportunities.
All of this and more became very much apparent over a short period of time and, in her words, "just got better every single day." I finally made plans to fly and see her. We were both so very much excited and also believed in what we felt--a budding romance that we believed had long eluded us.
Too much backstory may reveal who she is, but she lives in the middle eastern area of the world, not so much by choice but rather circumstance (indeed tragic). I, of course, live back home in states. Her plans are to move home, but this is a very difficult decision for her as it would mean giving up something she has fought the past five years for and again, is the only reason she is there. I truly wish I could say more.
Nevertheless, our cyber-romance blossomed and as I said, I made plans to go see her. I did and it was all down hill from there. Our first real date was to fly one more time to Egypt, a place we had both longed to see. It was after this date that she uttered the words I still cannot fathom to this moment (roughly two weeks ago): I don't feel the connection. This came out of nowhere, however, I was extremely jet-lagged and do not remember much of anything that occurred. I do recall being intimate, and some bits and pieces of the few days I was there before I cut it short. This was only two days after I arrived. Now, there were a few other things, again, I was brutally out of sorts, and certainly not the guy she had grown to know--and the guy that I am. At all times I would say I was just disoriented--not out of character or disrespectful in any way.
But reading this article--mostly out of self-therapy, somewhat out of hope that there still may be a chance with her, has obviously led me to throw this out there. I simply do not understand what happened. Maybe I'll never know, but it doesn't make me feel any better after sharing everything with her and quickly becoming the best of friends, to have lost this. I have an enormous hole where she used to reside--still does obviously.
So my boyfriend and I met at my friends house over thanksgiving last year and a day before he had to go back home he admitted he had feelings for me, when he was leaving I hugged him one last time before I would have to wait to see him again and when I did all I felt was a burning sensation rising up from my waist to my shoulders where he laid his head for a while. Even the simplest of touch from him (poking, hugging, or even touching my cheeks) would make my breath hitch for a moment from the 'spark' I kept feeling.
I'm currently in the same situation as jay who messaged you on 4/10/2015. I took a girl out on a few dates, i had the chance to sleep with said girl after a few dates but declined as I thought it would happen st some point and I wanted her to know it was not just about sex and now she says because we didn't sleep together there is no spark. We've stayed in contact speaking every day and we're now very good friends but I want more. We get on really well and she's told me secrets that she hasn't told any one else and tells me she can be her self around me and be completely honest because she knows I won't judge her (her words). I just don't know what to do as seeing her is messing my head up and can't stop thinking about her after seeing her, but I can't resist textin back when she texts me. Should I just walk away?
Your story inspires me alot.
when i met this girl, i couldn't stop thinking about her. After a few dates we kissed. Yet she told me she didn't feel anything when we kissed. So i guess she is missing that spark. She told me i became her best friend in the next week. I'm clueless here, what should i do. Because i know she's all i want and i can't stop thinking about her and kissing her again.
Give her some space, Jay. If she's the right girl for you, she'll be back to get to know you beyond any "spark". If she's not, there's someone else who will want to.
Hey would like some advice but private in email please...
Hey would like some advice but private in email please...??
With regards to the spark and wow factor....
What if you are not in love with him? You do get along and feel the same way about many things and you can really trust him etc. BUT you dont really find him that attractive? Should you still ignore the fact that you dont feel the same from your side and just go with it?
Isn't it unfair towards him then?
Jane's not suggesting you stay with someone you're not attracted to. It's not either-or. What she means is you need to focus on what truly matters and of course find him attractive enough to spark your interest. If you're not attracted to him at all or enough for you to kiss him and be with him, it's a non-starter because as you pointed out it's not fair to either of you.
Life is about balance. It doesn't have to be black or white.
I enjoyed your article.
My situation is a bit odd. I met this great guy,we dated for a few months just over a year ago. He broke it off and we never had any communication with each other after. I thought of him more often than not, probably 6 of 7 days he'd cross my mind at least once. I had become friends with many people in his circle of life, and because my daughter and his niece had become friends, I too became friends with his sister. Our paths finally crossed again about 5 months later. We chatted a little and texted a little too. We ended up back together about 2 months later, we dated for a couple of weeks and he asked me to move in with him. I at first thought he was joking, but I really enjoyed his company and cared very deeply for him. I guess you could say I loved him. There was never this "spark" per say, but I knew that I could spend the rest of my days with him. I enjoyed his sense of humor, his passion for motorsports, and wanting to do the best he could for his family. He had many qualities that I adored.
I questioned him regarding moving in, wanted to be sure this is what he wanted as I didn't want to uproot my daughter unless he was sure. He assured me that he was. He said he "equated living together with love". I already knew that I could live with him, I never questioned my own feelings for him. But low and behold after living together for just 2 1/2 months he said that he felt like we were more roommates than anything. I was very sad, I knew things felt off with us after I moved in, but I just thought it was the adjustments of all the changes and that after a couple of months it would settle and we would be fine. It seems he didn't.
The crazy thing is, unfortunately, I am unable to move out right away. As financial and having a couple of pets makes it more difficult. But also because I kinda hoped that our situation would change. He sleeps in the motorhome in the yard and me and my daughter have the house. He still comes in and has coffee with me every day, and every evening he comes in and we talk about our days. We go and visit his best friend together, go to the pub together...we do everything like a "couple" would, but we don't have the physical contact (unless we've had a few bevies). I feel that even though there isn't this "spark" that we still love each other, and there is some sort of chemistry, as to how could we do all that we do and not. He is the one person that I think about on a daily basis, several times a day. Even his best friend of over 10 years doesn't understand why he wouldn't want to have a relationship with me, thinks hes crazy. They have told me that he has said that he wanted to settle down, have a committed relationship, that I am beautiful, great with his kids, his parents, his sister, I am a hard worker, and have a gentle kind heart, and like to do the same kind of stuff he does....everything that hes told them that he was looking for. But now that he has it, doesn't want it??
So because he doesn't have this so called "spark" that means that he can't love me?? I know that if for some reason that while I am still living here (it's been 3 months now) that I would give us a go, even though I don't necessarily have the spark I don't feel like I would be settling , as I care greatly for this man. BUT I do also know that I deserve to be loved and cared for the same way, so once I do find a place that is suitable for me (and I do realize that I am dragging my feet in doing so) I will not go back to this man if he then realizes that I am what he wants....
Basically just saying that I agree that there doesn't necessarily have to be this great bonfire to love and care for someone. I say if you enjoy each others company and can have physical contact with each other than that IS love, at least is a love that I could live with 🙂
I've been with someone for over 5 years now...we dated throughout college and now are in the real world together. We became engaged about a half a year ago, and with the wedding still over a year away, she has become uncertain about me being the right person for her. Our physical relationship was great for a couple of years, but has declined since. We are absolute best friends -- have been virtually joined at the hip over the 5 years. We make each other happy and have so much fun together.
She says that she is still attracted to me, but that she doesn't know where the spark went for the past couple of years. As a result, our physical relationship has struggled.
Do we try to get through this rough patch together? Or, do we separate for a little while so that she can see what else is out there? We haven't seriously dated anyone else besides each other.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. Thanks in advance for your advice.
I love this article...it's the opposite of what is drilled into our fairy tale-chasing-minds! What you described in a comment really resonated with me:
"Imagine you were 100% confident that you could pick out any guy that you wanted and he would be madly in love with you. You absolutely knew, without a doubt, that every single guy out there would simply jump at the chance to be with you – that it was completely your decision as to who you wanted to pick. Would you still feel butterflies or fireworks? I'm sure you wouldn't. "
If I'm honest with myself, the idea of having 100% of the power to choose any man I want to become my life partner doesn't appeal to a part of me because the need for being chosen is nonexistent; I now realize that my main goal was to "be chosen" all this time. Ridiculous!
When I look into it, the spark (or excited anxiety in my case) is really a mask for a confusing mix of issues. When I have the automatic thought "Oh, he might really be the one!" before getting to know him, it is because, in my perception, he is out of my league for some reason, yet there is a slight chance he might choose me. I get hung up even though we might not be compatible at all.
The chase for a spark is a never-ending maze built on self-doubt and insecurities and it leads to nowhere! It sabotages the search for true love.
Wow, such important information that I wish society taught us. Thank you! I feel like I learn so much from you.
I'm so glad this is becoming real for you, Danielle. Thank you for your beautiful words, and allowing me to be a part of your journey. Being honest with ourselves is what makes such a difference in whether we keep seeing what we've always seen, or become open to seeing something new. I wish we were all shown and taught this, too!
I am having the same problem now. I have a spark and a lot of feelings for a guy right now who says I am an amazing person, beautiful, smart, and a great friend. He also is physically attracted to me and says he would be stupid not to marry me one day, but he says he doesn't want to date me right now because Hus work is hectic and he has yet to feel the I love you spark. We have been hanging out a couple of days a week and have known each other for the past month. He met my parents and I met his dad. When we met it started out as a date and came to the conclusion after 5 dates that he just wanted to be my friend, but every time we hang out he flirts with me and looks at me like he likes me a lot. We have had sex a couple times, but i put a stop to it cuz i didnt want to be a fwb and he was okay with that and never pushes me. He lives an hour away and drives to my place just to hang out with me. He even bringa up that i should live closer and move in with him as friends and see if our relationship grows. It is kind of messed up and id never more in with someone for that reason thats crazy. He says that I need to play harder to get but I hate games. Also he has anxiety and has to take lorezpam and smokes weed for it. I am so confused and I don't know whether to just let him go or just hope that he one day wants to commit to me. He tells me I'm the only girl in his life right now that he is seeing or even close too and he has his guy friends and He isn't shy about hiding his phone and I never see anyone flirt with him or anything on his fbook. I am starting to get my feeling hurt because I don't know what to expect and he is always the one calling me and initiating contact and making plans. It is very confusing but I just need opinions to make my final decision? Please help me
I heard the "spark wasn't there" line last weekend. And the date was outstanding, we had a great time. I did pick up on some slight body language cues though, and it didn't surprise me when the rejection came. She's just started dating again after 20+ years of marriage and I think she connects her new freedom to a Hollywood-type romance. I was pleasantly surprised when we met; she looked so much better than her pics (yes, online connection). I really liked her, but didn't feel a "spark." I did want to spend more time with her, and saw her as a woman I could fall in love with. At least I got the line after Date 1, instead of on bended knee.
Hello,
I have been dating someone for a little over 1.5 years, when we first met, "sparks" fly and we couldn't get enough of each other. We see each other a few times a week and we are genuinely happy together... when we first started dating, My partner stopped going clubbing and partying because I would be upset and because we prefer to spend our free time together. However, because of some incident, we are separated in 2 different countries for a little less than 3 months. Before we departed, my partner has mentioned that the spark was gone and want it to be reignited. My partner said that the love for me is there, I am like a part of the family. However, lately when we talked on the phone (being long distance), we seem to have less things to say because my partner just does not leave the house, the first month we were apart my partner would be upset constantly and just wait for my call and text...we had a few arguments because i felt I was being controlled but we worked things out. However, my partner just told me that the spark may be gone, but would wait for my return to the same country in september and try to work it out again........ but to me, it is normal for a relationship to go into a stable phase. I suggested that my partner go out more, perhaps with friends and stuff ... i just dont know what to do I am so scared
Why is it wrong when only one say it's wrong and it can only be right when both says it's right?
Because a relationship is two people who want the same things with each other and at the same time and who do everything they can to make it work. It's not one. It's two. If you want water, you need H and O. Just one will never give you it.
It's not so much about "wrong" or "right", Jennie, it's about two people being on the same page, wanting the same thing with each other. Without that, without both people being in that same place together, you've got two people frustrating each other only by being themselves. That's not what love is about.
This article is everything I've been looking for. Something to tell me it's okay to know I'm in love, without always spitting out rainbows and sunshine. I felt the spark for my ex, but we had a destructive relationship. Now I'm with the best man I've ever met. However, it's not easy. We didn't meet in a fairytale way and we're not like any romantic movie. But he makes me strong and a better person. He's fundamentally good and I'm happy. My mom keeps telling me I'm settling, and while I KNOW I'm not, I irrationally FEAR she might be right. Inside I'm afraid I can't get married with out the spark, that if I do I'll have a loveless marriage. I think the difference is love and infatuation. I skipped the infatuation stage with my boyfriend and that's okay.
Also for him it was love at first sight and he proposed and it was really sweet but it freaked me out .. Well the proposal is delayed for a few years but he is getting serious day by day and I need to make up my mind. i can't keep delaying forever. I'm afraid to reject him because what if I can't find someone who loves me like he does and I don't want to hurt him but I'm also afraid of the fact that what if I marry him and I keep regretting it.. What if I never feel attracted to him? Ahhh help!
Imagine yourself at your worst moments, Confused Gal. Is he always willing to be there? Imagine yourself years down the road. What matters to you most then? Does he fit in that picture? Imagine yourself with someone who you can talk to about anything. Is this him? These are the things that matter down the road that make all the difference in the world between the relationships/marriages that make it and the ones that don't. Yes, you want there to be some level of attraction, but we're talking about the difference between "he's cute" and "our connection is so amazing and the sparks and fireworks when we look in each other's eyes are like nothing I've ever experienced before!!". Listen to your own intuition. Listen to your own gut instincts. Shut out all the voices that think they know better than you do. You're less confused than you think you are. If it were only up to you, what would you do?
Thank you so much Jane for trying to help ?. I feel like we definately do have a connection but there aren't any sparks and fireworks and I can tell him everything but I want to feel that passion. That passion somehow matters alot to me.. My gut feeling is that he is a good guy.. Now I don't know if I should pick him or wait for someone who is nice and for whom I feel that passion ?
I think I might be like your friend. i know this guy who cares about me deeply and we have been getting to know each other for like 2 years now and He loves me but before He came into my life I already liked someone else but thats over since both of them were friends, the one I liked just gave up on me for his friend and I couldn't quite get over that. Now this guy is nice, caring but I don't feel attracted to him and I feel stupid to let such a great guy go just because I'm not attracted to him but then I think Attraction is the most important part isn't it? I'm so confused ? We haven't done anything yet. It's not in our culture so don't suggest anything like that but can you help in any way??
I am dating right now with this kinda guy who's already in a relationship. I don't know what I'm feeling but from d start I know there's something in him. And for the first time I felt that spark everyones talking about, without knowing him. But eventually he felt the same. (he said)... is this love??? true love???
Why would you date someone who's cheating on their girlfriend?
The spark with someone who's unavailable is never love, Yakich, but a deep trigger within ourselves that has nothing to do with this person but everything to do with you. Ask yourself why you would consider giving yourself such a small crumb from someone who can't give you more than second best, and then resolve to resist going further with someone who belongs to someone else. It can only lead to greater heartbreak down the road - for everyone involved.
i have been married to my wife for 8years. We have a beautiful son together. I recently found out she had an affair.
We have been going to counselling, she a stated she has no spark for me.
She says that she is stupid to hurt a man thats a great lover , father , husband, loyal to a fault.
My question is what do I do when I hear this. How does the man react to this type of rejection.
Do I patiently wait around, or do I move on?
The question is: how do you feel? What do you think? The world can say what they may, what about you? You are the only one who gets to say and decide what is right for you.
You get to think for yourself and figure out in your heart what you can live with and what you can't.
I know how painful this must be, but never take it as a rejection of you. What she did is a reflection of her, not you.
She sounds torn, Peter. This is about something deeper gong on with her, and not about you. Can you focus on creating more of a life for yourself within your marriage? As in, focusing on your own interests, hobbies, things you're passionate about so the two of you have the best shot at salvaging this? You can't be the only one who wants it to work, but with a little time and space and focus on you - and counselling, you'll know more. It doesn't have to be about patiently waiting around or moving one. It can be a simple as you remembering you have a life outside of her.
I got together with this girl in Dec 2014 and currently we are in a timeout phase where she needs to settle her thoughts.
Things went out pretty fine up until April 2015 where there were instances we were to meet once every fortnightly (This was mostly due to the fact that she was working long hours [9am-12am] and she had to make time during the weekends for her various group of friends). I voiced this out to her regarding my concerns and sure enough it improved. (p.s. she is still working the long hours up till today)
I had another talk with her as I realized that she didn't seem to want to do anything after dinner, she would just want to head home straight after we had our meal. this time things got serious.
She mentioned she needed a break and that she wanted time to do some thinking on her own. we had a conversation last week which came to no conclusion as she required some more time. She talked about not feeling the spark (to be precise, she mentioned that she was not feeling the excitement whenever she has to meet me) ever since April and that the long holiday which we had in May did not help. She mentioned she still loves me and that she will never find someone who will treat her as well as i did.
What is going on in her mind?
I went on a date with a girl a couple of months ago - it went really well and we had a long kiss at the end of the night. We then went on a second date, followed by another long kiss then for 2 weeks met up a a couple of times in the week and started to date all over one another. I then got a random text from her saying she sees me as a friend so take care.
I was nice in my reply and said no problem etc etc. I left it two days and just sent her a kiss on a text - she came back immediately and we met up a couple of days later and had a great time - we then had a whirl wind romance for 2 months and got very intimate seeing one another 3 times a week - talking about taking it further meeting family and going away - she sending me love hearts and all that on text (she did always refer to how I will get bored of her and that she is insecure but I just reassured her I wouldn't). Anyway, we then had one off week 2 weeks ago - and she sent me the same text again saying she has loved being with me but can't get past seeing me as a friend and the physical chemistry hasn't developed. I mean we have gotten very intimate, so I don't expect her to jump in bed and spend all this time with someone who is just "a friend".
Then the last two weeks have been back and forth and no spark - met up and she is saying she is confused and that I put a smile on her face everyday. I don't know what to do... please help, did she really see me as a friend all that time?
Well she called it off two weeks ago like I said (even though that morning she was talking about us going away together), and been sending odd texts and met up on Sunday and had a lovely afternoon walking around the parks and having food and drinks... (no touching though) then I text her to say how nice it was (just that.nothing too much) she replied saying she really enjoyed it but it worried i will want more if we keep meeting up and it will be hard.... so I laid on the line saying I'd provide everything she wanted (not abuse her trust, idolise her, care for her, romance her) all the things she has mentioned at times during dating...she then replied saying I shouldnt say those things it's unfair... anyway the next day we had some nice texts back and forth then that evening I mentioned something we did together in bed and she went off on one saying please stop and why am I saying this now when I didn't when we were together....she said I clearly dont't get her.
I think I am fighting a losing cause.... I then replied very nicely and said to her I do get her and that she didn't do all the things she did with me and travel half a day around london to see me if it was friends.. I also said she has cut me off as it has raised and insecurity and that I know her better than she thinks.... anyway she has not replied, and this was a week ago. Sounds like a lost cause to me. Move on now maybe. I haven't been nasty one single bit. Can anyone suggest what I do? The first time in bed she did have an accident, the second time I did well and it was two orgasms for her...but then we weren't ripping eachothers clothes off as she says.. I mean surely it is more than this fire/spark/ripping eahcothers clothes off. Anyway I really really like this girl, but not sure how to win her back or to get her to realise it is more than just this spark she is talking about. I hope you can help with some advice. Thank you.
Better yourself first, let her have her time , either she will come back or not, it is her own decision. If you really love her, just let it go, that's is what I did. If she is happy then let her be happy don't interrupt her, in my case I will be forgotten, but that's something which I have to accept, no doubt.
It sounds easy than when you do it, but if you really understand what love is, you can't keep her to make yourself happy. Otherwise it won't work. I don't believe in Sparks and that stuff either, because I never really felt one before, and I never knew that it even exist before someone mentioned it when we were together. Of course I have an ideal image from how my princess should look like, but you know society has teaches us that we must get a relationship after dating and without that "spark" it won't work out. According to my opinion this is complete BS there is so much more. Unfortunately not everyone notice it. Life goes on, let fate do its thingthing.
Hi there, I was hoping you could give me some advice.
About a month ago, my now ex-boyfriend broke up with me. He is 23, I am 22. However, I am his first girlfriend. I have dated and have been in love before. When he and I first started dating, we were adamant about keeping it casual and not moving too fast. Throughout our 14 months together, we expressed concerns that there was just something missing - a connection. But the last conversation we had about it, which was about a month before he broke up with me, all my doubts fell away and I fell completely for him. However, I saw that he had already given up...and that was heartbreaking.
We are each other's best friends. He is so sure that we can have a strong friendship, despite me being so open with him about how in love with him I am. I don't think he gets it. I think he thinks I'll be just fine and then we can best friends. I wish I could do that for him, but I'm not sure yet...the thought of seeing him with someone else is incredibly painful.
I have not seen him since the breakup but I have talked to him some. He is moving to my home town in about a month. We have spent some of the relationship locally, with the rest about 6 hours away (but visited each other several times a month), and he wants us to hang out when he moves down here. I am not going to beg him to take me back, but I just wish he could see that in the hunt for his spark, he needs to look within. That's what I did, and I realized that this was the man I wanted to spend my life with. I wonder if he will ever realize what he gave up and if it will be in time...or if I will have moved on. Do you have any advice for me? Thank you so much.
I just recently met who I thought was the perfect woman. She was everything I had been looking for. We had all of the same interests, could talk all day without running out of things to say to each other, had fun and laughed everytime we were together. She even told me I was exactly the type of man she had been looking for. I thought I finally found what I was looking for too. That is until she broke it off with me today because she said she didn't feel a "spark" between us despite everything else being perfect. It made me angry and resentful. It made me believe there is no hope forme if I could get so close to having what I've always wanted but having what I consider to be such a stupid thing derail it. It's been stewing in my mind all day. Finally I decided to look up articles about it because I couldn't sleep. Then I found this one. This makes me feel a lot better knowing that I am not the only one frustrated by this "spark" thing, which I consider to be nonsense by the way, especially when everything else seemed to be perfect.
Glad this helped you see you're not alone, Gregory. We can hold out for that programmed "spark" for our entire lives while the real kind of love we're looking for are all around us everyday.
HI,
This is a great article. Back in September I met this guy online. Out of every guy that messaged me, he was the only one that kept my attention. We exchanged numbers and within a week we went on a date. At first I wasn't crazy about him, in fact I was certain I wouldn't go out with him again. The date wasn't great due to me being really awkward, however I noticed we hit it off in terms of conversation. I didn't think he would ask me out again for some reason, the next day we joked about all my embarrassing moments and he said he wanted to see me again. I usually back out of these things but he was a nice guy, so I decided to at least go on two more dates then decide how I feel. It was a month before we saw each other again, the 2nd date was so much better and since then we've probably been on about 10 dates.
There was also an occasion.where he thought I didn't feel the same way he did. I'm very shy and expressing how I feel isn't easy for me, so I decided to write it down instead. He said he appreciated me explaining things. On the following date I made sure my actions spoke volumes and he Pointed out how much I'd improved around him.
Recently we didn't talk as much due to having our own issues to deal with. I made sure I checked in to see how he was every once in a while and he did the same.
Two weeks ago he invited to his friends party and I met his friends for the first time. It was clear we still had feelings for each other, he was very attentive and offered me his coat, let me lean on him when my back was hurting etc. When he dropped me home he kind of sat back and watched to see if I would initiate a hug or kiss, well I didn't. He texted me to say he didn't think I made as much effort as he did. I pointed out that we barely see each other and we needed to do this in order for me to be more comfortable. We would spent 2-3 hours together once a month.
So we went on another date last week and I had the best time with him. It was the best date so far, the conversation was flowing, the eye contact was intense. He was putting his arm around me and I kinda started stroking his hand (big improvement). Then at the end of the night we shared a few kisses, I tend to spoil the moment by taking. But I just sat back and enjoyed.
I know we've been dating since September which is a long time, however is only now I feel like we are getting somewhere. I keep thinking about the kisses we shared, I'm not even sure he enjoyed them.. But then again why would he keep kissing me. I used to have butterflies around him which disappeared after our first kiss and I sort of confused this with sparks. I feel happy when I see him, love his company and so on. In the beginning I was looking for a spark on the first date and I didn't find it. I feel like what I've found here tops any spark. I'm so glad I didn't turn him away after the first date. I think that unless you are 100% put off by the person,you should at least give it two dates then decide from there.
I couldn't agree more, Chelle! Thank you so much for sharing! 🙂
Thank you so much for this article, Jane! You have no idea how relieved I am after reading this.
I was having such a dilemma over the past few weeks because of this fantasy I have of the "spark". See, my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 5 years, and we are planning to get married next year, God willing. When we're together I feel very happy, but when we are apart I start to doubt my feelings, and I have a bad habit of over-thinking things... I'll start thinking of the way that we first started our relationship, which lacked any "spark" whatsoever - and that worried me.
And that was when I read one of your replies to a comment, where you mentioned that if I knew 100% that the guy I picked would be madly in love with me, that I wouldn't feel butterflies or fireworks - that is completely, utterly TRUE!! My boyfriend was NOT subtle at all when he first asked me out, I already knew he liked me, so that was probably why I didn't feel excited.
I'll also like to note, where you said "it's hard to argue that what we refer to as "spark" is anything more than insecurity and anxiety in disguise." - I cannot agree more. I have felt the "spark" before, but it was all just crushes that lead to nowhere, and the "spark" was just a result of my being extremely self-conscious when it came to the opposite gender. Thinking back, those guys I had crushes on were not all that great anyway!
I am so happy I stumbled upon your article. I've finally rid myself of the fantasy that has been embedded in my brain from all those romantic movies haha. Thank you again for this. I now cannot wait to kindle my lovely bonfire into our own version of the spark. (:
Hi there,
I'm in the same dilemma too. When I'm with him I'm super happy he makes me feel great!! But when I'm alone on my own all those doubts come up and it kills me and tires me. I keep holding on to him because he's the greatest I've ever had, and I don't feel the spark much though he says he is passionately in love with me, I love him too but I am more the more mature kind of love, but to him I'm like his very first passionate lovey dovey relationship, so you can imagine the self doubt I'm in, how did you get over this dilemma? Its killing me slowly, ill deeply appreciate your response and advice.
P.s.: the relationships where I felt this crazy spark always ended up in a bad way. And the relationships where I was the receiver i was always defensive when the person shows passion and affection towards me. So receiving all this love from him makes me feel perplexed sometimes.
Thanks!
For those contemplating a relationship that lacks a "spark" I have a somewhat different perspective on this . I'm married and in my late 40s.
I married young to my first husband. There was alot of spark in our relationship but it slowly and insidiously became emotionally and physically abusive. We divorced and
I remained a single mom for 7 years. I had a handful relationships. Spark seemed to equal big red flag!
I met my current husband through a blind date. He struck me as the kindest, most considerate and thoughtful man I had ever met. Ten years later I still feel the same.
The problem is that I've never felt that "spark". We have a great emotional connection but I haven't felt a physical attraction all of these years. I have never been able to reconcile the incongruence between him being the man of my dreams and my lack of physical attraction. He has been a great husband and a great father and by all appearances we have a great relationship.
The reality however, is quite different. We get along great and do quite a wonderful job with our home/family responsibilities. I like to snuggle and hold hands but kissing and sex is very difficult for me due to
Lack of physical attraction.
This is such a difficult situation. I love and adore him with all my heart and by nature I am a very sensual and passionate person. I just have never been able to be that person with him. I have read everything and tried everything to create that physical connection but I've come to believe that you either have it or you dont.
When we first met I thought I was being shallow for considering a spark as being important. I really thought our love would grow and it has. The emotional part of love that is. The physical part is ailing badly
What I didn't consider.....his feelings.... he wonders why I am not as affectionate as he is. If I love him ,why do I turn away his displays of affection. He has voiced on multiple occasions that the sexual part of the relationship is important to him. I am able to step up my attentiveness to his needs for awhile but always fall back to default.
I'm rambling but my point is that lack of physical attraction can certainly destroy an otherwise good relationship if it prevents one or both persons' need for intimate contact from occuring.
I'm not sure what the future holds for us. We are two good people. Sadly we may not be good together.
Thank you for sharing your story, Lynn. It helps so much to hear each other's stories, and is never just rambling when you're sharing your heart - and soul. 🙂
I love this!
I'm not long back from a first "date". We've been talking for a few weeks constantly but met through a friend a few years ago, and until recently I was involved with someone else. Not that I'm single I got in contact. As soon as we started texting back and forth it was clear we shared the same sense of humour etc. Today we met in a coffee shop, had a drink then spent the next 5 hours wandering around the park, as soon as we started talking we just didn't stop, it was the most comfortable I've ever felt with someone new, like skipping all the awkward dating stage and getting right to the comfortable stage. I didn't feel a spark as such when I seen him walk towards me today, just pure happiness that I was going to spend the day with him. At first I was worried that it was because I wasn't attracted to him but I am! After reading this article I am certain that real life relationships mean more to me than a spark and excitement of a relationship that maybe isn't going anywhere! Thank you
Exactly, Sam! It's what so many of us discover this along the way - and I love hearing from you when you do. So glad this post resonated so much with you!
Interesting. Think about this, yes the spark does not equal love. But love does not require the container of an intimate relationship either. I don't view single status as a problem. It's been my experience that the spark usually points to a deeper connection, it's usually something like an apparent flash of the mirror where we see ourselves in the other person. If that isn't there, a relationship tends to be a flat, codependent charade. This is just my experience. Human connection happens at many levels, and in many contexts. I think we look to the romantic relationship as the ultimate model of human connection, to the extent of taking the same approach to dating as a we take in our career paths.
The spark IS elusive, beautiful, real and special, and something to wait for. A romantic relationship is not necessary to have human connection and be happy.
So true, Bobby. Thanks for adding your thoughts to the conversation. We absolutely can find our own spark in so many things, within ourselves, within our lives, when we come to see it for what it truly is - and what it isn't.
Hi Jane, thanks for your thoughtful reply. Makes sense, especially, where you say "she does not know what it is", but probably will know when she meets him. It is devastating after investing so much into it. But I have realised and you have just confirmed that I need to be who I am and who ever is with me, needs to accept me that way.
Thanks so much again.
You're welcome, Dwyane. The reality with someone like this is that since it's only a feeling that they're basing "how they'll know" on, they often don't find something real since real is so much more than a feeling.
Hi there
I stumbled across this by accident while doing some research on this subject on “spark”. I was with this girl for about one and a half years. We hung out for a long time since March 2013. We both have been relationships previously that involved sex, but decided that we will not have sex due to our Christian beliefs. She is 31 and I am in my mid 40’s. Age was an issue initially, but she was ok with it or that is what it appeared to me. I look at lot younger for my age, got brown skin. Anyway, we hung out for months and I treated her like a princess. We kissed and cuddled but did not have sex. I am financially secure, ready to settle down, fit and very active. I am a 400 meter runner and also work out every day. I look and feel great, sing in a Soul/R&B band with a great personality and have loads of mates. I said that I would like to take the friendship to the next level in August 2013, but she said “don’t wait for me, I am not sure, I don’t feel anything etc etc, but was happy to hang out as mates. But we continued to hang out as friends. She had been hurt badly many times so understandably careful. I watched movies at her place over take-away, but she was not committed to me. It was always me chasing her, one-sided I guess
Anyway in July this year, she said, she wanted to give it a “go” and said I am a nice guy, have a great story about my life and a go-getter etc etc. I must admit she has dated yobbo, tradies, and beach boys before. All the badies, which obviously have not worked out. She visited my parents and I did the same for her. She introduced me to her mates and we went to their parties as a couple. So this was part of “giving it a go”. She picked me up from work every night. Her family including sisters and mates, thought that I was nice, but compared to the ones she has dated too nice and placid and she would wrap me around her finger. We went overseas in October on a hike/walk with another couple for about a month. It tested the relationship. We argued heatedly and sometimes did not talk, but at other times it was good. This was no ordinary trip, with walking about 25km a day sometimes in hot sun and at other times cold/rainy days. We walked from one country to another. I went on the trip to be with her, although it was not my cup of tea. I loved her soooooo freaking deeply. I would do anything for her. I repeatedly told her that I love you, but she was like I am not in the same page etc.
When we came back, she pulled the plug saying ‘I thought that by going overseas and being with you 24/7 would light that “spark”, be on the same page, have that “feeling” etc etc, but nothing. Even on the day we broke up (officially), we went back to her place with take away and kissed and cuddled on the couch. She said that it feels like an electricity circuit with all connections, but the switch is not on. We both have the same values and get on well at most times and we love kids would love to have them one day. She even said you will be a good Dad. So where am I now? I have cut all communication, not seen her for about two months and she has not contacted me either. I am hurting and still madly in love with her. But there is nothing I can do. What do you think? Should I wait or move on?
Man, I feel you. You almost sound like me to a T. Anyways, I've pretty much just let it go. I still think about the girl I was involved with when I first posted my response but we barely speak now. It's hard because I had strong feelings for her and it seemed mutual. However, she dropped the whole "spark" thing on me even though she liked to kiss and cuddle. It was very confusing emotionally. She later came out and apologized because she hadn't been with a guy in a year and a half. She was using me, in a way, to get some cuddle time in that she wasn't getting elsewhere. So bottom line, I'd just let it go. I don't know the girl you speak of but I get the sense she's not ready to settle down yet. You're "established" and I'm not sure if she's ready for that. Who knows? Best wishes. I know it sucks. Trust me.
Thank you, over_under, for adding your insight here. When you've been there, you understand all too well.
Hi Dwayne,
First thing, take your power back. Reframe the question. It really should be, "Do I choose to want to stay with somebody who has clearly indicated no desire to evolve the relationship with me." If I were in your shoes, I'd say move on since you're not both on the same page with one another as to who each of you wants to be with and that is not a winning proposition at all.
Second, do NOT take this personally. As humans, it's all about "us" and our egos. Otherwise we would not use adjectives like good looking, how muscular or how pretty we are, hour income, none that would matter nor is it worth a damn. It really isn't and you should let your ego get the better of you. You are simply two people that are not on the same page with one another. No more, no less.
Third, go out, continue to do the things that interest you, continue to date and while you're doing so, remember that it's not about coming to a mutual decision to define what it is that the two of you should be but rather it'll be two people getting to know one another and how compatible they are with each other. And when you've solidified things as being a couple, you will know, trust me. You'll find each other naturally spending more time with one another and you won't have to go through the motions with bad programming and doing something like have a conversation where you put her in an awkward position (or vice versa) of one asking the other, "So, are we a couple or So, are we boyfriend and girlfriend?" or anything like that. None of that matters, it really does not. Just take it one day at a time and trust that the person you meet truly is the person you're supposed to be with, you will arrive where you want to be in good time without having to force anything. Make sense?
Last thing, keep your life busy with all that you like to do so that you will naturally be busy and not trying to play any immature and contrived games by the so-called "rules of dating" whereby you're trying to manipulate the other person by doing actions that are meant to trigger a certain response you're looking for from the other. Just don't go down that path.
I wish you well and hope that this make sense. Otherwise I'm sure Jane will add to the conversation string.
Thanks over_under and Eric for your replies. It is amazing to see it from someone who has experienced it for themselves. I am struggling like crazy, trying to see what she may or may not be doing, like probably looking for a guy. But I have no control over it. But I know this will pass. She was not emotionally attached to me, so she can start dating again like straight away. I know she is looking, but that sucks as I invested two years and an overseas trip. But I'd rather know now than five or six years down the track if kids are involved. Thanks again.
Thank you for this, Eric. You've said so much here that's helpful to not just Dwayne, but anyone who finds themselves in this position.
I would believe her when she tells you she's not on the same page as you, Dwayne. This is all about her, not you. Don't take any of this personally. There's nothing wrong with you, she's just looking for something that she thinks she'll know when she experiences it, but she probably doesn't even know what it is. Does waiting work for her? Does moving on work for you? Does some combination of both work for you? You can't change her; you can simply be yourself and let her be herself. But doing what works for her won't work if it doesn't work for you. You're the one doing the choosing here, and if what she's capable of giving you - and what she isn't - is enough for you, then you have your answer. If it isn't, then you also have your answer. Ask yourself what you're madly in love with about her - is it something real? Or only a fantasy? You deserve real, Dwayne. That's what a real life relationship that goes the distance is built on. No matter who she is.
Great read, and thank you!
This really resonated with me. As of yesterday, this girl I've been seeing for the past two months called it off and described not having this certain "feeling" or "spark anymore". Let me explain:
We started dating back in late January of this year. We both lived in different cities so we only really saw each other once a week, maybe twice. When we started dating, there was chemistry there between us. We just got each other and understood each other, our sense of humour clicked, and it was as if we saw eye to eye with things. She even drove to see me one day despite living out of town an hour and a half away even when I had to work at 5oclock. I was planning on moving down to where she lived for other reasons with school, and finally I made the move on March 1st. We spent that whole first week together, had great days, casual days, did random fun things together, like as if it we're boyfriend and girlfriend. By second week of march we began getting closer and more intimate. I could tell there was something more here just off our reactions together, how we were spending time, etc.
We had a chat about exclusivity and how we're only interested in seeing each other. At this point in our relationship we felt great communicating about this and things have been going smoothly. Things have been remaining as they have been: going on random outings, her coming over watching movies, random drives, just spending time with each other. At this point I'd consider us in a casual relationship but we decided to only see each other.
Then just yesterday she asks me if I was around and wanted to come over to have a talk. She did, and just as I thought in the back of my mind, she called it off. Apparently over the past 2-3 weeks she didn't have the feeling of always wanting to be around me or wanting to hear from me. She guessed by this point it would have advanced more with how she felt about me but didn't. Yet she mentioned to me she wanted to take things slow... Specifically it was something about not having this "feeling" over the past couple weeks of wanting to be with me in every waking second.
We're meeting up tomorrow to have a more in depth conversation with all this. But if you were to ask me did you see any red flags at all, I absolutely did not. Things were going normal, and our times together were subtle yet it felt right. Things felt right being with her. It felt right kissing her, it felt right being in her presence holding her hand, etc.
I'm so lost and confused and been trying to make sense of this but I just... don't know.
I guess any insight would be much appreciated. I just can't figure this out...
It sounds like it got all too real for her sometime after you moved down closer to where she lived, Brett, and she found out what her comfort level is when it comes to her need for space. This is about her and not you. The very best thing you can do for both of you is to give her the space she's looking for without taking any of this personally. She's doing what works for her. She probably doesn't even know what's going on, but something about your being available to her now in a very real way in terms of proximity, is triggering her. If you can take that step back and shift the focus away from her - and away from you and her - to just you, that will give her the space she's looking for so she can figure out more about what's going on for her. But she has to want to. It can be so much easier for some to simply walk away without looking within or at what's really going on behind what she's feeling. Let her do that without you - this is her own work to do if she wants to.
But above all else, this has to work for you. If you don't want to give her space or can't live with giving her space while you feel the way you do about her, then you have to ask yourself if you're both really on the same page here. You've only known her a few months; it's hard to tell if someone's truly on the same page as you in that short of time. Take what she says and does to you solely as more information in the process of getting to know her better. Take the emotional part out of it and see the reality of who she actually is and whether she can give you what you're looking for in a relationship. This has to work for you as much as it works for her, and there is no substitute for time when it comes to getting to know someone well enough to know if it does.
I'm kinda going through a "spark" issue with a girl I've been seeing for a little over a month. We went on one "date." She decided to just go out as "friends." We did that. However, the 3rd date I wanted to kiss her. I asked her "do friends kiss?" Well, we did. The next day, she met me at my apartment to tell me she wanted to dial it back but during that same visit, we snuggled, hugged and was physical (no sex). She came over a couple of times during the week and we did the same thing, snuggling/hugging but no kissing. Valentine's Day we had dinner watched two movies and made out for hours (again, no sex). The next day she says she just doesn't feel a spark and all the physical touch felt good but it was because she hadn't been with anyone in a year 1/2.
Here's a little back story about us. I'm (40) recently divorced (first week of December 2014). She's (38) been divorced 4 years. I have a 15 year old son. She has 12 and 14 year old sons. I think about her all the time and would totally allow myself to fall in love with her when the time is right. I want to take care of her and her children one day. I am totally attracted to her and I think it's safe to say she's attracted to me. It's just this whole "I don't feel a spark" think she's telling me. I tried to just let it go bu the truth is, I don't want a relationship with another women. We have so much in common and we enjoy each others company. My heart wants this so bad to work.
Hey there,
Let me tell you a story about what happened to me. Last June, a woman that I'd been dating told me that she wanted to call things off with me because she did not feel like she could be physically intimate with me. I begged, I pleaded and I confessed my strong love for her and said that we should give it a second chance. And we did. We even took an amazing trip to France together. And again in early September of last year she called me up and asked me if I felt there was any point in being together with somebody if there was no physical intimacy. I said I agreed that there would be no point to such a relationship.
Fast forward to today: She and I have a great relationship and can easily refer to one another as being boyfriend and girlfriend.
What I will say is to not give up all hope. As Jane is often fond of saying, and rightfully so, is that if this relationship that you are in is meant to be, you can not do anything to make it go wrong because the other person will want to be with you as much as you with them.
The biggest thing is to remember to not put them on a pedestal, live your own life and fill it with doing all the things that interest you and to just stay in the present and things will come along as they are meant to be. Much like yourself, we were making out early on in the beginning but by the time we broke up the first time around in June most of that had dropped to the point of being non-existent and by the time September rolled around it was definitely gone but on a very slow incline towards making a return.
Try to focus on staying in the moment and let things occur. The biggest thing that made a difference for me was if I had to stop and think about something I might say or do and what her reaction might be, then I knew not do it or say it.
All the things that you want to have be an end result will happen in due course. I wanted this woman to be my girlfriend and you know what, a little less than a year it became a reality. And the fact is, nothing is really different between the two of us now except that we are indeed being physically intimate but for the most part, things are much as they were back in the early days. You just need to let things unwind and progress in their own way. And if things should not turn out the way you'd like them too, don't take it personally. That's important. Its just a story about you and her creating your own story together and seeing if you're both on the same page with one another on being with each other, your views on where you want dating to go and how to get there.
Here's to hoping you find happiness with this woman and remember to most importantly stay in the present and let things take their own course. And if you're still in doubt and she's as important to you as you say she is, I would strongly urge you to consider working with Jane as she's had my back since last June and has really helped me work things out along the way.
Take care.
Eric
Thank you Eric. The comment "Try to focus on staying in the moment and let things occur" really makes sense. I'll try not to rush things. Also, "not put them on a pedestal" is another one I'm trying to work on. Thank you again for your reply.
Thank you, Eric. I couldn't have said this any better myself.
Hi Jane,
I am with this guy for 2 months now, we know each other for close to 2 years but we weren't close, just normal friends or less, for 10 months in between because I rejected him the first time he asked me. After 10 months, i decided maybe we should try it out because he is a nice guy and really likes me. and i think i felt lonely. He confessed to me again and i accepted it. However, i don't feel the spark, i don't 'want' him. I don't feel excited or particularly happy to see him too. I feel like we are more like close friends than in a relationship. What should i do? Wait and see if i will grow to like him more or just let him go now? I am confused... and i feel bad to keep thinking of this while with him...
Please help me, thank you.
J
Are you at least attracted to him on some level? There's a huge difference between being at all attracted to someone and feeling that "spark". There has to be something there for you to continue to go out with him, but that something will be different for everyone. If he has the qualities you're looking for in a guy, J, and there's some kind of an attraction on your part to something about him, I would definitely give yourself a chance to get to know more about him in a relationship setting.
I would take a closer look at what it means to you to "want" someone and what you're calling "feeling the spark" and see if these are more culturally driven by what we're told through the media we "should" be looking for, or if these are things that you're looking for that will make you happy in the long-term, in a real relationship where there is so much more to experience than just a short-lived spark.
Thank you for replying!!
He is a nice person, but we are quite different, and he doesn't know me well... Many times I just want someone to be beside me and comfort me, but he doesn't. He is also quite immature at times. This makes me not want to share my feelings with him because he just doesn't understand. There was once i cried due to stress and instead of comforting me, his response upon knowing was that i "wasted time".
I want a soulmate, someone who knows me... Honestly, I can't say that i know him very well too, i can only say he is not meeting my expectations. I do wonder if i am too selfish to set expectations.
J
Hi, J.
I will suggest something I am also trying to do.
Sit down, grab a piece of paper and pen. If you can meditate, do it. Get to peaceful and then start thinking of what you need in a partner and what you want. Be as clear as possible and start writing the two columns. Always write in positive. And no, you won't be able to finish this in one sitting lol.
Place priority of the character of the person , not the physicality. Think of things you absolutely need, deal breakers.
Then, after you do that, you will have a clear idea of who you need to date based on the list. If your current boy doesn't fit your list, that means he's not it.
Be as neutral as possible while writing your list: don't twist it into looking like someone you know. Also, try to get to the bottom of why you need whatever you decide you need. For example: if you write something like "he must have a PhD" then start thinking: why is this important to me?`If your answer were something like: "because I want someone who's very smart", then ask yourself: Are people with PhD's the only people who are smart? The answer will be no. So you know that you need smart. Then go on asking: why is this important to me? And get to the root. That way you won't limit yourself with things that are unnecessary for your happiness.
I hope the suggestion helps.
Ok, this spark thing...Personally, I think it is the biggest mistake people can make chasing it. Its simply that feeling of butterflies in the stomach, that buzz of the cell and you say 'ooh is that him/her', etc. It has nothing to do with love, romance, friendship, companionship or relationships. Its quite simply to do with that 'butterfly' feeling. It has no real foundation for building a real relationship, as you don't even know the person at all when you feel it. Movies, songs, over excitement, emotions running high...yeah its all to do with that 'oh my god, I cant believe he/she likes me too' thing. Have I felt it it..yeah I have. It almost never, ever works out for many, many reasons.
It is unhealthy to chase it and its very unwise to not be in a relationship with someone you are attracted to, is good for you just because those sparks are not there. I know loads of single people, well into their 40s/50s because they chase spark after spark, and all because they have been told by a couple that did have it, its supposed to be that way. Honestly, its almost like a myth that was generated by novels, tv, movies, pop artists which has somehow turned into urban legend. People are breaking up over it, because its gone, or wasn't there. If you believe in it, then you go chasing it. I am in a a loving relationship with a wonderful woman who I love and lust after. Did I feel that 'spark' those 'butterfies', no I didn't. Do I want other women? Nope, because I love the one im with. People definitely can over think, over analyse and definitely make stupid decisions just because they really cant think for themselves about what a real, true relationship is and that getting to know someone takes time, effort and romance, passion and love can follow but only if your a romantic, passionate person. If you are still single and dating loads of people, why don't you get to know your self truly first and figure out what's important in your life. Or not, keep hunting for that spark just because someone told you they found a great person with sparks etc.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts here, ME; always appreciate a male perspective!
Jane, sometimes I question when I'll lose my virginity. Will I enjoy it? Or will I hate it? I fear that when I have sex, I'll be too shy to orgasm and enjoy sex, and then my future husband will possibly leave me. Help me Jane.
Don't worry about the details, Desiree. When you're with someone who you're truly compatible with - who's right for you - everything will fall into place. If you take your time to really get to know someone before committing to him to make sure you're both on the same page, you won't have to worry about him leaving you.
Jane,
As a seventeen year old girl, I watched romance movies about couples finding each other, and eventually feeling the spark. Sometimes I would imagine feeling a spark from a special someone knowing that maybe he is the one for the future. I try imaging what sex would be like for me, but for some reason, I can't picture it for some reason, even when I masturbate. I feel that maybe it's my "estrogen drive" that's already dead. I can't picture myself having sex. I feel like their is something stopping me from those thoughts that my inner self wants to dive into. I am a Christian, and I know that lust is one of the seven deadly sins, but I'd like to imagine what kind of guy would turn me on, make me orgasm, touch every part of my body. Oh god, I want to have sex so bad! I am a virgin, and I'm trying to wait until marriage, but maybe I should lose my virginity if I want to have sex that bad. I fear that I won't be good in bed because I've never had first on experience of being in bed with someone. I fear that when I'm married, my future husband will leave me because I can't perform well in bed and I'll start blaming myself. I also fear that if I have sex when I'm married that my husband would pass out and die, leaving me to blame myself, and not even forgive myself thinking maybe if we didn't make love, he'd still be alive. I fantasize myself single, and uninterested in men, but then develop a craving for wanting to be and feel loved, and eventually have sex. I am still a virgin, but think maybe I should lose my virginity. What do you think? Please help.
Thanks Jane! This is my hardest struggling ever but I have accepted it and will be fine, but it will take some time. It was the first time I opened up for anyone, the first guy that told me that he was in love with me, and it takes time to come over the first "love" right.That it happened when Im about to be 30 and have my body pumped with hormones and will to find someone didn't easy it..So, I´d like to conclude the things we written, and I think it is like you previously said, each one of us has to decide when it is right for her and it is not really possible for us to judge or advice someone if their relationship is "the right one". But I do believe, truly, that when it is right, we will not doubt anymore. We are all here because we have a hard time accepting, but deep down we know it, that this time it was not right. Otherwise we would not be here trying to find answers and truths. When its right, everything will be right and there will be no doubt whether he is the one or not..it will simply be ..right.
Exactly, Alva; you've got this! It's always about what you can live with and what you can't; it's always your terms, it's always your decision.
"When it is right, we will not doubt anymore" - Yes, Alva, you'll know!
"No spark" is just a euphemistic way of saying that she isn't physically attracted to the poor guy. Its good that she is not making a commitment to him. Better to end it now with honesty and candour.
I might have thought that too, however the woman in our story says that they enjoy great sex together, which tells me that she must by physically attracted to him - at least somewhat - and that they have some level of sexual chemistry.
There is a big difference between compatibility and chemistry. Sparks are chemistry and misleading. Comparability is more about how well matched people are by personality, temperament, etc and a better benchmark for long-term success and satisfaction.
So true, Jackie; and how easily we can confuse the two!
The spark is a chemical reaction and not all sparks become a flame. Compatibility is distinct from chemical and more likely to cause an enduring flame. Fires rise from a smoldering of embers after all. Most often a spark is like a sugar rush - short and sweet but rarely forever.
Exactly, Jackie. Because if you aren't truly compatible in the ways that matter, what do you really have?
HI, thank you for this awesome post and all great comments...I´ve been writing you before and I´m STILL suffering from the hangover of that "relationship" ( I wrote a post in october under He just wants to be friend) . I never felt that kind of spark as for this man before and in combination with my fair of letting that go and his selfish way of using my attention let me to just recently decide me do walk away. That is the hardest thing I have ever done before , because that spark, that crazy feeling that you would do anything, I did anything and everything, to hold on to that feeling is overwhelming and addictive and obsessive and the hormones going around in your body makes you believe it is love. I have now started to think that maybe those feelings are just the contrary, signs of badness and maybe they should be taken as warning signs and nothing else? But it also makes me sad, I really want to believe it would be posible to combine real love AND those feelings. Then when I feel bad I hear what you are saying and believe in it, it IS posible, but until you find it you don't know right...a friendship that grows to love and you realise it is the biggest bon fire you ever lived before, a spark on a first date that does not continue with tears and suffer but just smooth and clear..I want to believe in that ...cause of cause, love must contain fire..after all, thats what distinguish friendship and love right? Back to my situation..I am still suffering cause I decided to walk away and let all my time of waiting for this guy now come out of my body as tears, as pain..its liberating but also extremely painful but would just hurt more for every week I postponed the mouring for a spark that wasn't let to be love. What hurts me so much more is that he HAS that love already, in his girlfriend..and I hear his words when he describes his love for her, like you say, a burning breathtaking feeling that is so deep..and what he felt for me was puppy love and he could not let that grow cause than his girlfriends would disagree ( sure babe, how couldn't see...). It just really hurts to feel that huge spark for someone and wanting to let that grow and the fact that the man also feels it but chose to walk away from it cause he has got REAL love...it still makes me wanna vomit. I have started to see a psychologist for this issue..this guy walked into my life, f***** me over, over and over and walks away without a scratch and I end up and the scrynch having hard times every day...I try to see this as something I will walk out of stronger than ever before and also to be able to know when the spark is just a little devil...
I so hear your struggle here, Alva. On the one hand, you're seeing this so much more clearly; that all those huge sparks were red flags and warning signs like I talk about in response to another comment on this subject here. That you need to have the real things, not just those sparks, in order to make a real relationship work. It wasn't you; this wasn't at all about you and what you weren't or couldn't be that someone else was. This is simply a reality check that you weren't able to see for yourself when you were in it, that that guy wasn't right for you, and you could never have been happy with him in the long run if it had continued.
I know firsthand how good we are at telling ourselves a different story, on getting ourselves to believe that if only we had done something different, if only we had been more than what we were, that we could have had a different outcome, that fairytale, that false happily ever after that can never come from being with someone who isn't on your page, that isn't right for you, no matter how much we fight that reality and try to make it something else.
We do so much damage to ourselves when we don't see it for what it is, and we let all those other things - the feelings, the what ifs, the if onlys - and most of all, the harsh treatment of our beautiful selves, get in the way of what is only a gift of being saved from any more heartbreak than we've already been through. Of course it hurts to hear that he's found this with someone else, but don't take any of that on yourself. This isn't about you. This is about him. When you're with someone who's truly right for you, he will love you like you've never been loved before. It won't be with the same level of intensity in terms of that illusive spark that has so little to do with real love, but it will be better and more real than anything you've ever felt before.
Be so proud of yourself, Alva, for getting the help you need to get through this, for being open to seeing what can be so hard to hear, for giving yourself the chance at a whole new life and a whole new kind of love that starts with a choice to do something different to get a different result next time. You can do this - you're already seeing this so much more clearly! - and it is truly beautiful to see you putting into words the very questions that will get you to the other side simply by being courageous enough to ask them of yourself. Beautiful, Alva, keep pushing through. You're worth so much more than what you've had! So much more!
So this seems contradictory to me: we keep hearing that if he doesn't "feel it" then he's not the right one and we need to recognize that but this seems to be saying just because I don't "feel it" doesn't mean there's nothing there. My last guy said he was hoping that desire would grow but it just hadn't - although we enjoyed a lot of the same things and had a good time together - and everything I hear says that that fire just has to be there and if it's not then it's because he's not in the right place (or something) - I had plenty of spark in that case but he didn't. Now in this example the guy feels the spark but she doesn't and we're hearing that she should recognize a good thing and not throw it away - is this as much of a double standard or contradiction as it seems like to me (or am I just being thick?)? Maybe I'm the only undesirable reject.
I hear what you're saying Alex, and no, you're not just being "thick" – this is a difficult concept for many of us to grasp - myself included! And let me also say that you are absolutely not an "undesirable reject"! In fact, you're the complete opposite – you are amazingly desirable – for the guy that's right for you! This last guy just wasn't the right one for you.
I want to make an important distinction here – because I think this is where so many of us get hung up on this – there's a big difference between being attracted to someone, which is very important, and feeling that "spark", or "butterflies" or "fireworks", which, at best, is a very short term excitement, and at worst is a sign that you should actually be avoiding the relationship because there's some anxiety or other emotional problem that's causing these feelings of what many people believe are just a mixture of nervousness and anxiety.
Typically, if we look honestly at ourselves, the reason we feel butterflies or fireworks comes down to something like "OMG, he's so out of my league, I can't believe he's dating me" or "I like him so much, I can't blow it with him" or some other fear or insecurity.
To put this in perspective, imagine you were 100% confident that you could pick out any guy that you wanted and he would be madly in love with you. You absolutely knew, without a doubt, that every single guy out there would simply jump at the chance to be with you – that it was completely your decision as to who you wanted to pick. Would you still feel butterflies or fireworks? I'm sure you wouldn't.
You would simply meet guys and, knowing that they were all hoping for the chance to love you and make you happy, you would then spend time with each one evaluating whether or not they met YOUR standards. You would decide who you were going to spend the rest of your life with based purely on who met YOUR criteria. Being attracted to him would, of course, be part of those criteria, but it would only be one piece of it. You would also look at things like kindness, intelligence, integrity, etc. But you would never have that sense of nervousness – because him loving you wholeheartedly would be a given. He was standing in line with all of the other guys just to have a chance at being with you. When you think of it like this, it's hard to argue that what we refer to as "spark" is anything more than insecurity and anxiety in disguise.
Now, back to the woman in our story (which, by the way, was something I read on another blog a while back – this was not from one of our readers). She admits to having great sex, which tells me that there must be at least some level of attraction. So if she's sexually attracted to him, best friends with him, he's emotionally available, kind and wants a commitment, then what's left to define as "spark"? There are many reasons she might think their relationship is lacking spark – but they all have to do with her own emotional issues. Most likely, deep down inside, she believes she's unworthy of love for one reason or another, and so anyone that loves her must not be any good themselves - this is one of the most common issues that causes us to self-sabotage our love lives.
All too many of us do this very same thing to varying degrees. We don't want the "nice guy" who's open about his love for us and wants to make us happy - instead we go for the "bad boy" who treats us like something disposable, which makes us want him even more – and makes us feel this so-called spark even more! It's truly mind-boggling when you think about it, and I know because I've been there too.
To your point about this being a double standard, I would say that it's not a double standard at all – I would give men the exact same advice.
The difference is that you can't change what he does – you can only change what YOU do. So if he's making the choice to walk away because he doesn't think he's feeling the spark, there's not a whole lot you can do, with the exception of walking away and staying away and hoping that he then feels that sense of loss and wants to win you back. That may be what he feels is spark. But if you can't do this authentically, as I talked about in my post about being hard to get, not playing hard to get, then it's just a game and won't be sustainable.
I hope this helps clarify this article for you,Alex. Know that you are absolutely perfect just the way you are and when you do meet the right guy, you'll be attracted to him, he'll be attracted to you, and you'll know it's right. Maybe not by those butterflies but by everything else that matters.
Jane,
This article hits home right now. I agree with the statement "the quicker the flame lights up, the quicker it goes out.." I recently met someone and we had undeniable chemistry right off the bat.. We've been in contact over the past month and have seen each other about 3 times.. so although there was a definite spark, it's going pretty slow. The only problem is he lives in the city, and I in the suburbs. I have so much fun with him, but I agree it's important to keep in check that love is a separate entity... It just feels so confusing because we have the best time together, but we don't keep in steady contact.. Is it wise to see this through? I've been initiating the contact mostly, but he seems to respond right away.. I know he's just as much a romantic as myself and is definitely into me.. wish he would show it first though!
It's all about what you can live with, Theresa. What you're getting from him in terms of steady contact is obviously what he's comfortable with - for his own reasons that have nothing to do with you - so if it seems slow or he isn't doing much of the initiating, it's because this is what feels most comfortable to him. If you can remember that it takes time to really get to know someone and fill the time in between him with the rest of your life, then you'll probably be more on the same page here.
But if you want more than this and aren't able to keep this slow pace comfortably for yourself without feeling like you're missing something, then see what happens if you stop doing the initiating. Does he pick up the slack you create and start doing the initiating himself? Does he fill in that space by coming closer to you? Or does he let that space stay the same and the slack remain the way it is without you making all the moves? That's how you'll know more than anything; by his actions more than his words. It's always easy for someone to respond; it requires much more of a commitment and a personal investment to reach out and initiate for himself.
It's as wise as it feels to you, Theresa. If a relationship is meant to be, it will be. But only if you have two people on the same page, who want the same thing and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Trust your gut instinct, trust yourself. Those little red flags that come up are clues for you to figure out what you need to do for you. No matter what it seems like, deep down, you always know.
I dont know about this article. I mean, I agree that the woman was kinda nuts for turning him down, but the real thing on my mind was why was she spending years with somebody she didn't feel something for? It sounds like she knew she wasn't in love with him, and just trying to force it because it seemed like a good fit on paper.
I can't imagine love without that spark. What is love without that little shot of magic to make you come alive and bring your gray world back into color? I mean, without that, I do feel like you are just settling. What is the point of spending all that time with somebody when there is no true attraction? This article makes it sound like you are reducing love to a simple friendship. Well then, of course "love" is easy to find if all you are looking for is a friend to raise a child with. But for many of us, there is more to it than that.
You talk about that huge bonfire, and mention it can be built slowly or quickly. Yes, of course. But what starts that very fire in the first place? A SPARK. Sure, the spark alone may not be enough on its own to get that fire roaring. . But without that spark you got nothing. True love may be a big roaring fire. True love may be a long slow deep burn. But it needs to start with that spark, otherwise you just have two friends and a big pile of unburned wood.
I hear what you're saying here, Sky, and it's so true that we all have to decide for ourselves what settling is and isn't. You're the only one who knows what that looks like to you, but if it's a committed relationship with someone who's on the same page as you, who wants the same type of relationship as you, when you make that spark the only thing that matters, it's hard not to find yourself settling in so many other ways.
There's always a reason we find that spark all too often with someone who isn't good for us, as much as we don't want to believe it at the time. When we blind ourselves to all the other things that aren't there, all the other things that we excuse or gloss over or pretend will get better simply because we're living for that spark, we miss the whole point of what true love really is. It's so many things; and it's so much more than just that spark.
Don't limit yourself; there's a whole real love out there ready to find you if you're open to something more.
I feel I need to comment on this. I was married for 22 years and some good and some bad. The bad got worse so it was time to leave, but unfourntly my heart did not leave. It has been a year and a half and there is no way I would ever get back with him(he is still waiting for it)it is hard to move forward. I have been dating a wonderful man for 4mths and I ask myself all the time where is the spark? I also doubt my ability to love again. I gave my ex husband everything I had and then some and still it was not enough. I am completly honest with my new guy and tell him that I am trying and he is fine with it. He tells me I make him happy and he will except what ever love I give him. This only makes me feel bad not optomistic.
what did you do? I have the same issue. He's the nicest person in the entire world, great great guy my family and friends love him. I just don't have a spark. I'm trying the slow burn so at least i can say i did everything to try. curious what happened.
I met my best friend in June o 2012. We became friends right away. We spent almost every day together with his 2 great daughters. In Oct. We started fwb. The sex was great. I moved in with him in Dec. and for the next year and a half; we went through several crisis's with his cancer and other health issues. I fell in love with him. When he felt better he felt smothered. Wanted to play the field. We still spent almost every day together.. he asked me to be his gf. I said yes and after a week wanted to break up; so I left. He wanted me to still be friends. I said too hard but agreed to the breakup. We text now on and off; but we cancelled our trio to disneyworld and Tennessee. Broke my heart but did not think I could pull off the friend thing. He is going to need back surgery. We have been there for each other. He helped me realize over the 2 1/2 years that I am special. We feel good around each other. The sex was amazing until I said no. A week ago. The spark was faint and grew over time to we just fit. Don't know if he will come around to want to be with me as gf. But dont think i can settle for less. We still call each other our pet names and he still calls and does his chimpamzee love soothing sounds for me. I will just have to wait to see if he still feels like i do.
Your inner strength comes through here so beautifully, Robin. You can see the reality of your relationship - of where he is and where you are - and as much as it broke your heart, you realized what you were willing and were not willing to settle for to be with him. Whether he comes around or not, you know who you are and what you deserve. It's always about that choice; that personal decision of what matters most to us, and what we need.
It's a wonderful thing to be friends first, to build your relationship over time. But as you've found out, it's always about being on the same page and wanting the same level of commitment in a relationship. This isn't about you; he's going to do what he wants to do. And you have to be true to yourself about what you can and can't live with. Whatever he does, keep living your own life, Robin. You're not here to convince anyone of why he should want to be with you; if he's truly right for you, he'll know. And so will you.
I met an amazing woman who had been abused in her relationship of 21yrs, for 15 of them. Abused in the sense he sought prostitution and drugs for 15yrs and admitted it as he left last April.
In 7 months we have had some great times, great laughs, I've got on with her two daughters and I'm quite domesticated so always helped out in at respect, we dined out yet equally enjoyed walking the dogs, running the girls to and from friends and the cosy evenings in, and the sex is great. But now she wants a break. Wants to see if there is someone out there with a spark, more compatible.
I asked what profile she has put on a high end agency that she paid £6000 to join. She said, someone like you but with the spark.
Yes she still has a lot to go through with the divorce and the selling of house, but I have been there cared, and brought her up from the gutter without the reminders of how low she was, to show her how happy she can be, and how to laugh again. She often asks why I love or like her so much, and I reply, that I can see through all the problems she deals with, and see a truly amazing woman. A woman who was physically abused as a child, and cheated on in two relationships. She has talked about breaks before but I guess I'm a pessimist who thinks a break mans the end. We did start a break in March but after a day she wanted to see me, from then we carried on as a couple, but now she want all of April to herself.
Showing her the love I have, caring the way I have and making her laugh the way I have has been effortless, but I guess being the nice guy you ladies talk about isn't actually enough. Certainly not in this case.
Stop making it out to be universal. Just because she doesn't value you as the "nice guy" you are, it doesn't mean women in general won't value you. Look at the woman you are choosing. She may be fantastic, but if she's not open to you, what is the point?
Look at your choices, try to understand why you're choosing who you are so that you can see much clearer. There are women out there who are great and who can be much more receptive to the man you are and able to reciprocate. Why did you choose her? It's a question only you know the answer to and you alone need that answer.
Some introspection can go a long long way.
You never want to be with someone who doesn't want you. It's painful and it's not a reflection on your worth as a human being, as a man.
Consider that this woman has been abused and as sad as this is, she won't be able to recognize healthier options until she decides herself to change her world. You cannot do it for her.
Most people who have been abused are wired to be interested in abusers, that's the spark you lack. It's not a conscious thing, it's very hidden in their subconscious mind because it's all they've known. They have to reach a point in which they just had enough to seek help and decide for themselves to open up to different experiences.
I can only sympathize with you, but being where you're not valued and loved won't ever do you any good. No one is that special for you to diminish yourself trying to be good enough for someone who just cannot see you.
In 2009 my x asked me out n I said yes by accidentally but I knew I had to say no. There was a bit of spark then n on 11/5/10 I broke the r-ship off bcoz I didn't feel a spark n stopped loving him bcoz he was dirty and did bad things but were on the same page.
The last guy I liked that ended the friendship a few months ago. When I talked to him he was nice n when I was thinking about him I could see sparks happening even in my dreams. He didn't see sparks happening. All I dream about is fantasy on me n the guy. I sometimes call myself a dreamer.
It's the reality that matters more than anything else, Courtney. It's a beautiful thing to be a dreamer; don't change that part of you! But make sure you can tell the difference between fantasy and reality. We can live far too much of our lives living in the fantasy of what we so want a relationship - and a person - to be, while the reality of our lives goes on without us. Take the time to do those reality checks for yourself; you don't deserve to be hurt by what a true reality check always sees.
Kind of men or women who search for the spark and excitement
All the time , I think there is an emotional hunger (what I had) then .
By that I mean you can become addicted to the
Spark feeling, if you don't look out.
I believe that you can love or cherish someone and feel like "that's my boo"... Without all that spark stuff.
But why in the world must there be "spark and big music" all the time.
Sound to me like a fairy tale!
I felt the spark for my ex, spark all the way! And while I was all energetic and feelin good (because of the spark and attention)
, I missed all the red flags. Because I thought , love=should feel the spark .
Hey I didn't even look at his manners or character , as long as I was feeling that fire ...
What I thought was endless love.
Which now I see as a kind of stupid way of thinking and looking towards love.
Love does not hurt, it is kind and warm. It's an energy which gives you security but at
The same time also questions you " are you happy" . Love is something that just grows and can grow if
You give it room.
Spark to me sounds like a short term feeling of excitement and happiness.
It's like going to a concert, it makes you feel woohoo and happy for a couple of hours.
But then your back to reality....
Sparks It can make the love grow but it can also make you blind for the truth.
This lady that wrote you the letter does not appreciate what she has. She should!
This man sounds worthy to love.
I think the lady should question her own emotions and ask herself
If she is the right women which he can love and cherish? Is she ready for that kind of love
From this man?
I pray that I go through what I must to learn and see , so when my man comes
I will be able to love him the right way.
And your kind of man sound good haha 🙂
You summarized this all so beautifully, Maris. The realities, the feelings, the questions, the things we miss when we get so caught up in what we think matters more than anything. Only to find that there's so much more that matters so much more!
And know that you will, Maris; when it all falls into place, when it all comes together, it's because the timing is right, the people are right, and you get all this and what it means to settle - and what it doesn't. You'll know - and so will he! 🙂
I really appreciate you writing that note.
I was in an over five year relationship that ended very abruptly, out of the blue, last summer. Since then, I have met an amazing man who is everything I have ever wanted, but here is the caviat, he lives another country away. We met via social media, became best friends, that turned into romance even from over 15,000 miles away. I have only seen him twice physically and miss that physical connect so much.
Back to your message and my correlation, I felt such a spark with my ex for those 5 years but I, like you, was blinded to the realities of the relationship. Looking back, he was terrible to and for me, in most every way.
Now I'm with the man I have always wanted but I'm missing that spark or "head over heels" feeling I had before. I do believe I can get it when I am with him physically again, but it's just so hard. I miss him and long for him.
Guess maybe I'm so scared of being hurt that I'm putting up my own barriers?
What do you think?
You can know this with your mind but that emptiness in the heart is still there. How do you convince that stubborn heart of what is real, and what isn't?