I hear it so often.
And I understand; I really do.
I hear you when you say "I'm not there yet." I see the tears you try to hold back. I feel your pain when you try to say you have to hold on, you have to keep waiting just a little longer because you love him too much to let go just yet.
And you know I'm the first one to say it's OK.
Wherever you are right now, it's OK. We all get there in our own time, and you'll get there in your own time. One step at a time; one new way of seeing at a time.
However long it takes you, it's OK. You've heard me say it time and time again.
It's OK wherever you are, wherever you're at.
It's OK.
But looking at it another way, it's really not OK.
Because the life that you're living right now isn't the life that you deserve to live. Because the pain that you're feeling right now isn't the kind of pain any one deserves to go through.
Because the amount of hurting you're going through right now is no way for anyone to live. Because the aching loneliness you're experiencing isn't how we are meant to experience life.
Yes, I'm the first to tell you it's OK because wherever we are is our reality and where we all begin. And who you are, and where you are is nothing to beat yourself up about or feel bad about yourself for.
But you deserve so much more than this.
You can keep waiting. You can keep going through the motions. You can keep putting one foot in front of the other until you finally get tired of living like this.
But there's a life to be lived that's just waiting for you. It's your life. It's the life you were made for, the life that you've been putting off living even as it's passing you by.
This is the life I want you to see, to discover, to embrace for yourself.
You see, when I look back at where I used to be back when I was single and living my life in what I now know was the waiting mode, I realize how much I missed out on.
When I think about what I could have done with my life, it tears me to the core. It would have affected so many areas of my life.
Don't wait.
It's your time.
How ever long it's going to take. Whatever action it's going to require in your part. Don't wait another minute settling for so much less than you deserve. Don't struggle another moment living like you are, going through what you are when there is so much help out there for you.
You don't need to.
If it's my program that's speaking to you, then great - I'm here for you.
If it's someone else's that's helping you, that's great, too. If it's one-on-one counseling sessions with someone you're finally ready to try, that's wonderful, too.
It doesn't matter where you find your help, all that it matters is that you do!
So take that time that you were going to spend watching your usual television shows, take that money you were going to spend on that new outfit to try to catch the attention of yet another him, and take that energy that you're only using on over-thinking and rehashing what he's thinking and what you did wrong, and put it all toward the one thing that's worth more than any of these: YOU.
Because when you look back, this time is going to pass you by and be a distant memory soon enough. But it's your life, your time, your happiness.
You are worth so much more than anything else you might think your time, your money and your energy are worth.
Go get that help you need to get past your past.
Go get that help you need to find what you're really looking for.
Go get that help so you can start seeing who you really are and what you really deserve.
Go get that help so you can see what you can't see now, so you can do what you don't believe you can do now, so you can become what you can't imagine yourself getting to right now.
You can and you will. But only if you choose to.
So choose to.
Love,
Jane
It feel comforting that you describe just how I feel and says it OK, cause sometimes it really feels like no one ever felt like that before and that there is something really wrong with me! I look back at my last heartbreak before this, it was about five years ago, an I remember I felt the same though. Like the whole world was black, not seeing the point of almost anything ( but somewhere knowing that there is a point but having a overshadowing sadness ) and being sad for "no reason". Its really just not the heart thats broken, it breaks my whole existence ! Last sunday was the d-day, I´ve been fearing it for months now, it was the day I know he and his girlfriend had the flight back to Spain. But ..I didn't die, I didn't even vomit so it´s going forward..I spend the day outside doing a 4hours trekking in the mountains with new friends, and that felt kinda awesome. Today on the way to work I almost had a heart attack though, crossing the road I see what I thought was them, walking with the dog I know they brought. It really looked like them but I don't think it was..I found out that he is around here now by common friends, but of course he didn't call me. . I mean, why would he? He is here with his girlfriend. ( so much for being "friends" right). I did start to go to a girl to talk, but stopped it cause I felt I wanted to come over this by my self, deep inside knowing everything she said and its not about the theory anymore just about time. But time is passing on and I´m slowly feeling better, I´m not sad anymore in that extent and I feel happier every day..but I still think about him more or less constantly and I think I will go back to her to take up the classes again. If I can save my self some months of worthless thinking it is priceless. Its like you say, of course its OK, but on the other hand, dammit its NOT OK! Someone that was not for me in the first place make me believe he was, make me believe my life is nothing without him ( its absurd those feelings I know they are. But you´ve been here..that´s how we make ourselves feel!) Do you by chance have any post about that, how to move on and stop thinking, even though I already know all the theory, having my life, he was never for me etc etc...? ( the positive news is that I started dating some, by internet cause I find it easier to have the dating approach there, and met up for coffee with some of those guys. And I will probably see some of them again, even though they don't take my breath away the first time - learning!!!- and also, the ones I like but doesn't call back, well, they have their reasons and they are not for me- learning!!. ) :-)Small steps but hey, the important thing is that they are going forward right? Thanks again for this wonderful site! You´re awesome!
I love hearing from you, Alva; you put into your own words the very things I'm trying to show you with my own words, and it's truly beautiful to hear how you say them. Yes, I have been there and that's why these feelings you feel, these things you go through, the things you're learning are so familiar to so many of us.
We're programmed this way, we've been living this way for so long that it's become such a part of us and these are the reasons it is such a struggle to change these past ways! Learning, learning, learning - yes, exactly! It is all about these small steps. There is so much power in each and every one of those small steps, Alva; and it's all yours.
That's the hardest part of all; getting what we know in theory into the daily living of our lives so that we can finally stop going back there, stop over-thinking, stop beating ourselves up over and over again with the "what ifs" and the "if onlys" that do more damage than any rejection ever could.
And that's why loving ourselves, being compassionate with ourselves, and refusing to hold ourselves responsible for anyone else's actions or inaction are the only ways to be! That's how we move on, that's how we push through. Because as much as we think it's about someone else and what they did or didn't do, it's always about us and how we keep taking this back on ourselves and making it about us.
It takes practice and resolve, and reminders and affirmations, and writing it out so that the words that are the truth replace the stories we tell ourselves until finally, the words become the ones we hear in our own heads instead of the other ones we've grown so used to hearing. Not overnight, but soon, it happens when we persist.
Here's some past articles that may help ...
I can´t see the articles!!!
I also get inspired to do what you do, but for women with my story. When I was 18 one day I suddenly looked myself in the mirror and I decided that I would probably fit into societies norms of beauty better if I lost a kilo. Just one right? ( Its so absurd. I was absolutely perfect even back then...according to any norms..but society is so cruel..makes you believe you must starve your self to be accepted ..that to see the ribs is more beautiful than to be healthy...) That was the beginning of nearly ten years of suffering, loneliness and fighting for me. I overcame eating disorders but it took me way to long, cause I never sought help. For many many years I was not even aware of that it was a problem, the decease is so toxic and powerful that it transforms your mind and let you believe it is you talking. That is MY STORY. I met this man when _I_ was ready to meet some one, when _I_ was ready to be naked with some one, to feel beautiful together with some one, to explore my one body together with some one else, to commit to another person and to open my self up. That is a great step, and I´m proud over that. HE was not ready for me though...and next step is to choose with both the heart, the sparks and the head...the head..! I will see what communities there are out there, maybe I can help women fighting with bulimia by them selves....
There are so many women who struggle with eating disorders, Alva; and so many suffer in silence alone, afraid to admit their reality to anyone. What a beautiful opportunity you would have to reach out to them, to free them from their silence, to know that someone who's been there understands! Don't let this idea pass you by; find a way to reach out to those communities, to those women who need you - and your journey - more than you know!
And here's the links to the articles below. I hope these help shed some more light on that process of getting that theory into the daily living of your life!
Remember to bring your head along
Moving on
The dance of letting go
Don't call it rejection
3 ways to get closure
Why asking him why never helps
Hi Jane,
I choose to feel confident and free inside and I am working towards it.
I hope your Great Attraction course is going well.
I will not be a part of it, it doesn't fit me! But I hope it helps someone.
🙂
Love hearing it, Maris. It's in our choices, it's in choosing to feel confident and free that you discover exactly that - for yourself!
And yes, the course goes so much deeper than what I can do here on the site, so it has been so exciting for me to finally have something more to offer. some other way to help so many readers who want that something more. Thanks for asking, Maris, and I'm so glad you're finding your own path, too! 🙂
You are right. Nobody deserves this pain.
Exactly.