So many of us struggle with the basics.
We get so caught up in the complicated aspects of our relationships that we think are the problem, that we miss the simple truths that underlie so many of our core beliefs.
These are the beliefs that keep us staying so stuck, and settling for so few crumbs.
We live like this because it's all we've ever known - or it's all we ever saw modeled for us, and we miss the fact that changing these beliefs, these ingrained habits that have become so much a part of who we are, begins the shift that changes everything.
So, starting right now, let's start making these changes.
No more chasing after someone.
No more believing he’s the only one.
No more selling yourself … to anyone.
No more waiting around for his call or text… you’re a woman with a life, not a lady-in-waiting.
No more sleeping with someone who can’t make his mind up about you.
No more focusing on someone else’s needs more than your own.
No more kidding yourself about why he won’t commit; if he won’t commit, either accept it and know what you’re signing yourself up for, or move on.
No more hanging on to someone who isn’t hanging on to you.
No more investing in a relationship where you’re the only one doing the investing.
No more waiting to be chosen; you’re doing the choosing.
No more beating yourself up for what you didn’t know, didn’t see, didn’t get, or didn’t see coming.
No more focusing on the past; right now is where your life is at.
No more living in the life-depleting should; you did the best you could with what you knew at the time!
No more hating your body, your skin, your hair, your nose, your ears. You are beautiful just as you are.
No more looking to others to complete you.
No more living your life vicariously through others; it’s time for your life to be everything you want it to be.
No more giving your power away to everyone else.
No more thinking that everyone else has something you don’t.
No more putting anyone on a pedestal.
No more pretending.
No more crying over someone who doesn’t deserve you and wasn’t compatible with you to begin with.
No more making someone your world.
No more bending and pretzeling to please someone else. It doesn’t work and hurts you more than you know.
No more saying you can’t do this.
No more excuses why everyone can do this except you.
You can do it.
But only if you really want to.
And only if you choose to.
If you’re done with what you’ve been doing and you’re ready for something different, this is where it stops. With you. With a word. With a commitment … to you.
Here's to the new you!
How about you - what are you going to say no more to? Tell us in the comments!
Hi there
This is a tremendous site.
I'm a guy in Australia who has been dumped by a woman that I thought I could spend the rest of my life with.
There is so much I'd like to tell you but it would be pages long.
We were only together for 5 months but I fell deeply in love with her...although she did not feel the same saying that she didn't feel the spark. We had a tremendous, fun, warm time together and I became very fond of her two young boys and they liked me too.
My girlfriend had had some traumatic relationships in the past and she told me that I ticked all the boxes and that any woman would be happy to have me in their lives. I told her that all I wanted was her in my life.
So it's all ended in the past few days with her being very firm with me not to contact her.
I gave her some space a couple of weeks ago and now she has ended it saying that despite all the warm feelings we had for each other she could not say that she loved me. I told her that I was not pressuring her to tell me that but that we could take our time to learn more about each other.
So I feel distraught and broken hearted. I just don't understand how something so wonderful is not good enough for her to pursue a little longer.
Any insight would be appreciated.
Craig
I'm glad you're finding something here for you, Craig. Welcome! Know that this isn't about you; it's about her. Don't do what we automatically do and take this personally. There's nothing personal about it. She's not where you are. She's saying you're everything every woman would want, but she hasn't done her own work to be that kind of woman. The biggest clue is in what you said about her past relationship patterns. She's more comfortable when it's not working out, when there's chaos and trauma and all kinds of other things characteristic of relationships like she's known. No matter how much she knows in her head she should want to give you a chance, she can't do it because she thinks what she feels in the unhealthy relationships she's known is what love and romance and the "spark" is all about. You can't change her. You can only recognize that she's not on the same page as you and no matter how wonderful it is, she's stuck in something much more complicated than love ever is. Don't let this change you. I know it hurts, but you could never be happy with someone who isn't capable of recognizing the difference between a definition of love from an unhealthy place love and real love. You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be helped. Time to focus on all the women who would be so happy to have you in their lives. You are exactly what someone who's capable of love is looking for!
Thanks Jane for your advice.
I don't understand why she is saying there is no spark. Our sex life has been great!
We have so much in common. When we are together it's warm and caring and fun.
I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her that we can have a great family life together but she's pushed me away.
It's still so hard to reconcile what's happened. Did I tell her that I love her too soon and she became scared of the future ?
Craig
You didn't do anything wrong and just because you feel great with her, it doesn't mean she does. One of the biggest mistakes we make is assume that what we feel and what we are is what others feel and are. You cannot make that call for her. You can only know what you feel. If this isn't working for her, all it means is she's not the right one for you. That's all. There's nothing you could do, or be or change.
A healthy relationship is a relationship where both people are happy with each other, want the same things and both make it work. It can't be one.
If it's too difficult for you, take some space from her, grieve the loss of your fantasies with her and start focusing on you. When you're ready to date, go out and meet other women and focus on the ones who want what you can and want to give and who you want to please that way.
If she ever becomes the one, she'll show up again and she'll show you. But don't cling to some potential. You deserve much more than that.
I totally agree and have been learning all that you mentioned!
My daughter recently got me on a dating site. I have not written to one person first! After the first week I found myself hearing from 2 guys regularly, almost every day. My profile is now hidden, I don't want "overload". I have met 1 of them and feel more like good friends. I'm HS (highly sensitive ), so am a very open and honest person. If they can't handle it, please move on before I get attached. I have a sister with mental disabilities that I am co-guardian of, her care is in my future. So far both are okay with it, the guy I haven't met yet helps take care of his brother. The first guy is getting pushy, trying to put me on the spot. Mistake, I don't have to take that. He's calling and texting less, that's fine. ...there are others for me to choose from. The 2nd guy is so sweet, always complimenting me. We can't wait to meet, possibly this next weekend. Bigest con for both, first one is disabled due to heart problems, 2nd one lives about 50 miles away.
Jane, I want to be unidentified, I do not want my name on the reply.
I do not want to be ldentified. I am 55 and he is 51, we had been seeing each other for 8 months. He would call every night, than he didn't call and I found myself calling him, and asking why he stop calling? He said I could have called him. I didn't call him anymore after that but told him he could call me if he want to are don't if he don't want to. It's been a month and I really do miss him but every time I read your articles, I know I shouldn't call him because I would have to settle for crumbs and I just can't bring myself to call him. I told him if you care about someone you would think to call them sometime, he said he doesn't think. It has been about 30 days now and he has not called me, and I have not called him.should I not call him and just let him go.
You're not here to convince anyone of your worth, DoNotIdentify. If you have to call him to ask him why he's not calling, you already have your answer. He's not there, he's not on the same page as you or you wouldn't be left to wondering what's going on with him. You'd know. He may have thought he was there, but he's not. He probably doesn't even know why. You don't need to take any more blows to your self-esteem by calling someone who already knows the if you care about someone you call them, you accept this, you don't take it personally because it is about him and not you, and then you take your own power back and get back to the living of your own life. You said it beautifully yourself; you deserve so much more than crumbs! Find what you're missing in you.
Dear Jane,
Your list is very empowering! Thank you so much! I am just starting to date someone and in the past I think I would have been more "needy" but this time around I am determined to staying true to myself. I am focusing on keeping my interests, hobbies,friends,family and faith intact. So many times in the past I have let these things fall by the wayside when I entered a relationship, which was so unhealthy. I am so grateful for finding your website. I look forward to reading more inspirational articles on dating and relationships.
Best to you,
Kate
I'm so glad you found this list empowering, Kate; that's exactly what it's meant to be! What you've described is what so many of us do when we begin a new relationship, and yet it's in keeping our own lives and our own selves and not losing ourselves in a relationship that keeps everything in balance. This makes it so much easier to remember all that we are and all that we offer regardless of what someone else chooses to do with that. It sounds like you're on the right track. 🙂 Welcome!
Hi Jane!
No more letting people into my private life, and having to deal with their issues.
This list is great I will keep it close by but I am staying focused on me, me, me:) and what I want to achieve first!! Absolutely not chasing anyone!!!
Beautifully said, Joann; you've got this! 🙂
Jane you have done it again!!! I will say these declarations everyday until they get in my thoughts and heart. "NO MORE!!!" I have done almost everyone on the list....but today I have my power back and I focused on ME!!! There is nothing like change!!!!
Exactly, BRD! The more you hear it, the more you make these your own, the more you repeat these over and over again until these words become your own, you will finally realize that with you are in control here, that you have every right to stand up for yourself and decide how you will be treated. That is exactly where your power belongs; with you and all that you are, and all that you have to offer someone who is truly worthy of you!
For me:
No more breaking my healthy boundaries so that he would "like" me
No more being scared of what others might think or say.
No more being at some times negative about my body image( I am to fat etc.) .
No more partying and drinking and chasing to have a damn date , so that I could feel more secure.
No more feeling ashamed at times because I love to be creative with painting or decorating inside my house.
No more allowing people to gossip or say negative things about other people, while I am with them.
No more thinking that "when I have this or that" it will all be great and wonderful.
I really am taking baby steps in my adulthood. But it is not that easy always.
On a regular base I have to remind myself of the "no more" .
It is liberating saying no more on a other way kind of feels good.
A great article.
I hear you on all of these, Maris; and I know it's not easy. But it's real. And it's such a part of our growth. As much as we'd like to learn these things sooner, it's in our own adulthood for most of us that we finally discover the value - and the necessity - of every single one of those meaningful baby steps. It's never too late.
I'm in a really dark place about my insecurities and past deceptions right now and this really, really helped me. The timing is great too. I just had a breakdown over a love deception that I can't seem to get over, but this post is really helpful and I'm saving it to Favourites so I can read it anytime I'm feeling down. Thank you so much for this. And for the rest of the site, this is truly the only "self-help"/love/positivity/advice website that I can honestly say works wonders. Thank you!
"And for the rest of the site, this is truly the only "self-help"/love/positivity/advice website that I can honestly say works wonders."
i completely, wholeheartedly agree wid RO !
I tried so many other self-help sites..but all they suggested was how to chase guys, what guys want, or what attracts guys. they hardly used to write on what should be done to for our self-esteem, our self-confidence. it was always how men are important in our lives...and rarely how much importance we hold in their lives.
for me.. where there is chasing, there is no love!. just don't waste time in game playing. long term relation can never work this way.
we all love JANE'S work so much. she has motivated me during my bad times as well. i keep on reading her articles as they encourage me. they are like anti-depressants.
Thank you for your kind words, Sonal. It's so beautiful to hear you getting this in your own words like this, so inspiring to hear back exactly the points I've made but in such a real personal way from your journey. You're really getting this. You're seeing this, why the other doesn't work no matter how much we want it to, why it's always about being real and authentic and true to yourself above all else. Thank you, Sonal; you have no idea how happy I am to be able to be there for you like this.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Ro. And I'm so glad it's all helping; thank you for your beautiful, inspiring words! Know that those dark places come and go; don't fight them, but don't give them too much power. They're our reality checks to remind us of what we know to be true, and of how far we've come. They give us reason to ask the deeper questions of ourselves that send us searching for the answers that give us our prompts along the way. Never as smooth as we'd like this journey to be, but always moving us forward as slow - as two-steps forward one step backward - as it may seem. In our own time, we get there, Ro. You're never, ever alone.
Great job Jane! Direct and to the point. No coddling. I hope it encourages everyone to start fresh and don't look back. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow gives us all another chance to do something different.
Thanks, Carolyn; I'm glad it made this all so clear.
I love it! I will read it every day and make sure it becomes part of the new me!
So glad this resonated with you, Clara. Thank you!
I am going to the same!!!
Preach it sister! Thank you so much for the encouraging words! We need to be reminded 🙂
We sure do. Thank you, Julia 🙂
It's great, and such a good reminder for me at this time!
So glad this came at the right time for you, Carme. Thank you!
Thanks ,it was very useful
I'm so glad, Aida. Thank you!
Thank you Jane, I love this has help me to be more inspiring. I have put all my time and energy into relationship which does not work. I say no more that i know what i am worth and i wont let myself fall short ever again. I love this post No more, waiting for him to text or call just NO MORE.
It's so simple but I know it's anything but simple, Shanta; I'm so glad this is inspiring you! Thank you!
Thanks a lot for this list! I think I'm gonna read it every day and repeat it as a mantra!
Love that, Alex. Thank you!
sounds so inspirational. I'm ready for a new me. I left the other guy alone n I hope he comes back to me as a friend but someone told me he's in Singapore for 2 weeks for a holiday n is always a busy man with work & music n sometimes work holds him up. there might be times I might look at his fb profile n not add him as a friend or msg him. I will allow him to add me as a friend. I've been going out with my besties who are ladies & enjoying single life
I'm so glad to hear this, Courtney. Live, live and live your life! Don't wait around for anyone to decide if he wants to choose you. It's in the living that you find the love that you're looking for, not in the waiting. Live your life so fully so that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter. He's going to do what he wants to do regardless of what you do. So focus on you and what makes you happy. This is always about you!
Thanks Jane
This list is great and there are few things on this list that I was not aware was doing and it was only hurting me.
I will make sure that I keep this list with me to keep myself on the right track.
You're so welcome, Joann. I'm so glad this helped you see more clearly!
Brilliant post! Thank you for putting it so succinctly! I am working hard right now on all of these things. I have lived a life of codependency and it has made me quite ill. There is no going back for me now but I must work on it everyday. I will re-read this post everyday to remind me of my new path!
Thank you Jane!
You're so welcome, Tracy; I'm so glad this helped to see it like this. It's practice that makes it all a habit and gets us all there!
I just jotted down some of the more pertinent sentences and put them on my wall! Thanks again! I'm so glad I found your website. Keep up the generous and inspiring work you are doing!
That's exactly how we make these become a part of our daily lives, by reminding ourselves over and over and over again! And thank you for your kind words, Tracy; I'm so inspired by all of you!
i need to frame this article and put it on my room wall 🙂
thank you jane.
I hear you, Sonal; so glad this resonated with you! 🙂
Thank you for this message. It really makes me think that several of these statements apply to me.
Yes, I am tired of the way I act and let myself be treated. I am always so willing to please others that I never think about me. Never. Well I'm going to start, Life is too short, God Bless all of you and lets all start new.
I so hear where you're coming from, Wendy. If there's one of these that has always stood out for me as underlying so many of our other behaviors, it's the ease with which we're always so willing to please everyone else - to focus on everyone else - to the detriment of our own beautiful selves. It's not an easy one to change, but when we remind ourselves it's the only way to get our lives back in balance, to start living the way our lives were meant to be lived - and when we post that truth somewhere where we can't forget it! - it starts to get easier. And no, it's not selfish; it's essential to our well-being and the well-being of everyone else in our lives! We all start somewhere.
I can relate!!!! No mo selling maself short,I deserve more n deserve better. You rock Jane
You got it, Lil!
Jane, That message I can take that to the bank!!!! You was right on time with that.
I'm so glad, Jenaea 🙂
Dearest Jane, I cheered every line of this post!
Thank you! And thank you for your galvanizing
words!
You're so welcome, Devi; I love how you put this into words. 🙂
thank you so much Jane, this has come at the right time, i am really battling in letting go of the past, my Mother left me when i was only 2 years old, i have no idea where She is, i grew up without Her, i don`t even have a picture of Her nothing at all, the worst of all my father also passed away when i was 9, without any chance of me asking the where abouts of my biological mother......now the problem is that this has a very negative impact on me, everytime when a guy leaves me it always hits me that maybe it`s just the way things are, if my own mother left me why do i think anyone would want to be with me, honestly i have read every book on positive thinking and how to let go of the past and i do try my best not to live in the past, but i just don`t know how to go about not asociating my past with what`s happening to me right now.....everytime when i meet a new guy i always get scared that they will leave and it always ends up that way, maybe this happens because of my fears i don`t know......once more thank you for your lovely articles, i will do my best to say NO MORE to all the things that you have mentioned above because i can relate to all of them.
You're so welcome, Lolly; I'm so glad this is helping. I may not know what your mother's story was, but I do know that it wasn't about you and the little girl you were when she left. Sometimes when we become a mother, we get triggered by so many of our own issues, of our own histories and our own inadequacies of taking on the responsibility of an innocent human being, that we have to face ourselves in a way we never had to before. This isn't any fault of you, or anything you could have prevented, it just can happens sometimes, especially if there's a lack of adequate love and support for where she was at then. Most of us rise to the occasion and become what we need to become, but some aren't able to, for various reasons, that again have nothing to do with you. Know that you couldn't have changed this, you couldn't have made it different for her. But it sounds like you could use some special support to heal this part of you, Lolly, so don't hesitate to seek out some professional help with someone equipped to handle abandonment feelings like it sounds like you're talking about here. Sometimes that support makes all the difference, and helps us to see clearly what we couldn't otherwise see. There's nothing wrong with you, and there never was. It makes so much sense that you feel the way you do. Of course it feels scary, because it's always about so much more than the relationship in front of us. It's always about us. Your inner strength is showing here so beautifully, Lolly, in spite of - or because of - what you've already been through. Keep shining. Keep radiating that beauty that comes from within. You're getting this; and know that you're never alone.
This is a wonderful post! Perfect reminder to start my morning.
It's really that simple. NO MORE. stop what it is that you've been doing since it obviously hasn't been working. I found out that's when I focus on me that's when others focus on me as well because my attitude about myself is what others will adopt. I'm really happy, this year has been off to a great start.
I'm so happy to hear that, Mimi; that's exactly how it happens. It always begins with you! 🙂
I needed this, I agree with most, some don't apply to me. But I am sure apply to others.
Thank you
You're so welcome, Hope; I'm glad this resonated with you!
Yes, that's all right! Thank you so much for reminding us, Jane 🙂
The basics are simple but the trouble is, we aren't used to it.
Exactly, Jan. We all need these reminders - as often as we can until they become a part of our reality! 🙂