We've all seen the ads:
Do this and get him back.
And they certainly entice us because they promise exactly what we think we want: to get him back, to make him love us, to convince him to stay.
But in reality, it’s exactly the opposite of what we really want if we knew what the rest of the story of our lives was going to be. If we could only have the gift of hindsight right now.
But right now, it’s the only thing we want.
Because we think this is what it’s all about. We love him and we don’t know how we’re going to live without him would be a more accurate statement of what we're really thinking if we're open to admitting it to ourselves.
So when we hear about some secret to getting him back or someone promises to sell us the solution to getting him to love us, we’re there in a heartbeat.
We know he’s pulling away, we see he’s gotten distant, we know something’s going on and we don’t know how to stop it. All we want is to change it back to the way it used to be – to the way he used to be – so if someone’s telling us how, we’re all ears. We’re buying.
We don’t want to hear why we’re better off without him if he doesn't want to be with us. We just know our heart is breaking, our life is coming crashing down, and the love of our life that we can’t live without is slowly disappearing.
It pulls at the most fragile part of us – not our hearts, but our belief system that holds our dreams and believes that love will conquer all. It’s the same belief system that holds our self-esteem, our self-confidence, our self-worth.
And that’s why this is so hard; it’s not just our hearts that are breaking, it’s everything we believe in, it’s everything we've bought into, it’s every belief about love and relationships and men we've ever held. It’s all the beliefs about ourselves that we still hold onto so tight.
It’s not just him and what he’s doing. It’s us.
But getting him back isn't going to fix this. It might temporarily, but it’s not sustainable. Because acting a certain way, behaving in a certain way, is only going to work if it’s the way you actually act and the way you really do behave. Genuinely, authentically, in the real you kind of way.
Being anything except your authentic self – the real you – won’t get you anywhere you want to be. Even if you can pretend for long enough until he notices, until he takes the bait and gives you what you were hoping for, if it doesn't come from the real you, from your true self, you can only live an act for so long.
You can only be playing by someone else’s game for so long. You can only be acting out someone else’s script for so long. It’s simply not sustainable. The only thing that's sustainable is the real you. Your true self.
Anything else will eventually fall apart.
And as much as you think it’s what you want, it’s not. You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn't love the real you. Someone who you have to be anything other than your true beautiful self. Someone who you have to convince of your worth.
You don’t want them.
Not like this.
It’s OK if you’re not there yet. It’s OK if you still want to try to get him back, to bring him closer, to make him go back to the way he was before. I understand it more than you know because I would have given anything to bring him back, too.
Before I knew better.
Think about it. Mull it over. Give it some time to resonate. Do you really want someone you have to try to win over? Someone who you have to do or be something other than be yourself? Someone who being yourself isn’t good enough for? Someone who you have to play these games with?
If you’re not enough for him, then the truth is that he’s not enough for you.
After 15 years in a committed relationship and going through ups, downs, blending families and sending 3 kids to college, my beau announced a year ago that he wants out. He wants to explore life without me and wants to find out what's out there in the world. He's been unsatisfied for a very long time and felt obligated to stay, now that the kids have grown out, he no longer feels that way. Over the last year we've taken 3 vacations, gone on dates, still live together and function as a family. However, he does not want to be with me anymore. I tried Brad and Matthew's programs. I felt like I was trying so hard to fix "me." Never acknowledging that he was unfaithful or dishonest or selfish. Only focusing on being "better for him." I'm exhausted. He's moving out next week and I'm no longer trying to stop him. My heart is broken, our children are angry but there's nothing I can do.
This is so true - I was in a relationship with a wonderful man who ended things saying he needed time to heal from his ex and I bought Matthew Husseys programmes to get him back and keep him but the only outcome was I turned myself into a nervous wreck trying to act a certain way instead of following my heart and feelings and being honest and am still torturing myself over what might have happened if I had just left things as they were as I genuinely think he needed some time to work through things as he would talk about his marriage most of the time we were together and didn't know what he wanted.
He was unavailable anyway. Nothing you do and don't do will change that. Move on. He's not the person you're looking for.
Exactly, Tania. Without being true to yourself, nothing is sustainable!
Hi Jane,
I've discovered your website through looking to find some kind of counseling for what I'm going through. I turned 30 this year, and had a lot of goals and aspirations for myself. I want to believe I'm closer to knowing who I am, what I want, and what I deserve. I had been with someone since March of 2013. What we had was great, an unbelievable attraction, both physically and emotionally (though we were different, it seemed to balance), a sense of humor that was in sync, similar interests, a desire to be independent but be in a committed relationship. In fact, he was the one who made it "official" first. It seemed we were the most loving, fun couple.
About six months in, his roommate needed him to move out to move his own girlfriend in. At the time, he didn't really have many options. So, temporarily, we agreed he could come live with me in the home I owned, a little outside of town. I'm a country girl at heart, and live about 20 minutes outside of town, and about a half hour from the part of town he liked best, the hip part of town. I honestly had two thoughts going in - either it really would be temporary, and I was okay with that, and helped him look for places, OR that we would end up deciding that it would last longer and it would be great to live together.
Well, as I should have imagined, it didn't go very well. He became bitter and resentful about the location and having a half hour commute to work, we fought often, but he didn't seem to be doing anything about it. He didn't seem to really look for a place of his own. We still had fun, and an intense love for one another, but he began a series of trying to break up with me moments, followed by "I'm sorry I panicked, I'm just frustrated."
It came to a head during Christmas, when he decided to make a friends home his "home base" but he didn't take many of his things there, and quit paying me rent. I decided okay this isn't fair, if you're not living here or paying rent, then you've got to get your things out. I'm not a storage facility. He agreed, but within a week, he'd broken it off over the phone. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. I was miserable. We went a little over a month without talking, and when we did, he explained that he just couldn't give me what I needed, and that it wasn't me. That he needed to "get his s*** together" and needed to do it for himself. It didn't really help ease my mind.
A few weeks ago, we began dating again. He seemed to have made some improvements, he got his own place, seems to be doing things he wants to do. And so was I. I had to remove myself from being so intertwined in his schedule, which it felt like it always was. I felt like I lost myself in his schedule, in planning things around him. And when we started dating again, it was like we'd started over. Like we were in a new, good place. But this morning, I realized I'm just falling into this hole. I'm doing what you say - taking any bread crumbs he throws my way. And I'm turning them into a piece of bread. I'm trying to make it like he's changing, when in all reality, he's just getting what he wants (talking to me when HE wants, seeing me when HE wants, sleeping with me when HE wants) and I'm just falling into it. I'm in love with someone who isn't right for me.
I'm smart, sweet, compassionate, have a great job, great friends, a beautiful dream home I bought for myself in the country, yet I feel so ridiculous in even writing this because I feel like I should know better. Like the things I read that are so damn right on on this site should just be DUH moments for me. Why is it so difficult for me to walk away from him? Why can't I seem to realize that I have SO much to offer, and I'm just giving it all to someone who won't return it? Because yes, he loves me. That I know. I have no doubts in my mind that the man loves me. But he doesn't WANT to give me the emotional support, the equal treatment, the priority that I deserve. And it just makes no sense to me. What kind of man does that make him? I'm just feeling so lost and confused, yet at the same time so sure of myself and that I deserve better. It's a really weird place, and I just don't know how to get out of it. I know I should make little goals and I'm in the process of that, it just feels like I'm never going to not feel like I am losing the love of my life just because we aren't on the same page at this moment. I just wish I knew that we would be on the same page someday. I hate that I have to walk away from him.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Carrie. You're not ridiculous and you don't deserve the "shoulds" because when you're with someone who triggers you like he obviously does, it doesn't follow any common sense. Be proud of yourself for seeing it as clearly as you are. "I'm in love with someone who isn't right for me" says it all. But that you can see this is huge! Remind yourself that you're in control here; you don't have to walk away from him. You don't have to stop settling for crumbs. You can continue for as long as you want to live like this, Carrie; it's always your choice.
When you shift like this from being the victim to the empowered beautiful woman you truly are with a choice to decide what it is that you truly want to do here with this man and this life you're living with him, it changes the way it feels. It gives you your power back. You've always had it, but something about him, about this relationship is triggering you in a way that only you know why. You can't change him, and it's not personal. It has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.
And just to clarify, you can never lose the love of your life unless he wants to be lost. If he doesn't care, that tells you something, too. You don't always have to walk away, you can choose you, you can choose to live your life, you can make him just one person in your life, and not your everything. You can find other ways to fill your life with love. You can focus so much on creating your own beautiful life so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter so much. You can find the ones who belong with you. And you can let go of the ones who don't.
It's always your decision, Carrie; only you know what you can live with and what you can't. You just have to figure that out for yourself. Because if he's meant to be in your life, if he's truly right for you, it won't matter what you do, because if he gets there, you'll be the first to know.
Hi
This fellow Christian carter says he has all the answers to getting your man back , how to get him to commit, etc. if you buy his CDs for a large sum of money.
I agree with you you can put on an act say what this guy tells you, but the mask comes off eventually,and who wants someone who is not into you.
My last boyfriend dropped me after almost four years,I wish it had the smarts and strength to leave him before that because in my heart I knew he was not that serious about me. I just did not want to be alone again. However I ended up alone anyway. I will not allow that to ever happen again. If I sense that the relationship is heading in that direction.
Unfortunately I'm 65 and I do not date that often so I do not know if I will get that opportunity again. Being a widow at a young age I have gotten use to being alone most of my life.
Thanks,
Bobbi
Hi Jane,
Just to say a big thank you for all your hard work in helping us. You are amazing how do you keep up!
Thanks again, you really are helping 100s of women like myself get through our tough times.
Helen xx
Thank you so much for your kind words, Helen; you inspire me! And I'm so glad to be here for you in what you're going through - and for everyone - because like all of us, you're just not meant to go through this alone.
Hey Jane,
I just came across your site literally a few minutes ago, and found that a lot of the articles truly give amazing advice and gives me a lot to think about.
So I met this guy roughly two months ago - he is 24 and I am 18, and we got intimate right at the first date. Since then, most of the time we spend together was overnight at his place. One of the reasons for this is because he works full time and is also a student full time, so literally he does not have any days of for the whole week, He makes me feel really safe, happy, cared for and special, and up until around two weeks ago he would text me every single day with a good morning and a good night and mostly a few texts during the day asking me about my day.
But of course, sometimes I would wonder whether he is dating me just for sex. On the day before valentines day, we went out to have dinner and watched a movie. It was a great night, and since the setting was different we really got to talk about a bunch of different topics. That night, we went back to his place and I decided to talk to him about my concerns, since it had been worrying me for a few weeks now. I started off by saying that "it is easy to date someone just for the sex, and there's nothing wrong with that, as long as both sides are okay with it; but it is not something that I want right now for my relationship" I talked about other things I can't remember, but basically I told him that I just wanted to know that we were on the same page. He asked me what that was, and I said that I'm not saying I want a serious relationship because it's not something you ask for but something that comes naturally, and I started babbling. Mid sentence, he stopped me and said that he loved me. I was shocked, since it had only been two months and I feel like he still hasn't gotten to fully understand me yet and hasn't yet seen my flaws.
he went on to say that although he loves me, he is not ready for a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship right now, mainly because he says his work could make him transfer to somewhere else any time, and that ultimately he wants to move to LA, where he used to live. (we live in norcal right now) He also said that he doesn't want me to feel neglected or that work and school is more important than I am, he and feels like if things don't work out at least we wouldn't have to go through the whole "facebook relationship change status" and explaining to friends what happened and that he at least will want to be friends with me. Basically he was trying to say that with the title, things will get more complicated, but we are doing the same things with or without the title. He also said that this does not mean he wants to talk to other girls or go out with other girls, but purely because of his situation right now and also he is not ready.
I replied by saying that with the title, I would have the confidence and certainty and would be able to go on longer without seeing him, and also I would be able to fully understand his busyness and would understand if I'm not the priority. And as for him moving away, I told him that that wouldn't matter because we would have started this relationship prepared and knowing that this might happen. after saying all this, I emphasized that I'm not trying to sway his decision but just want him to know what I'm feeling.
Then, he told me about his ex-girlfriend from last year - the were together for about 9 months - it was very complicated and was a long distance relationship, but basically what happened in the end was that they broke up, got back together and he proposed to her, but they still had a lot of problems and later on he found out that she cheated on her. He did say that back then he was very very in love with this girl but is completely over it now. He also said that his best friend had been with his girlfriend for 7 years but the constantly break up because they are always too busy to see each other.
He told me that he wouldn't be mad if I wasn't okay with it, it's okay if I'm not. I didn't ask him what would happen if I wasn't okay with it, but just said that I am not completely okay with his decision but will not leave because I like him too much.
I never "I love you" back to him, and haven't seen him since last week.
This week, his texts have become significantly less - we would be in the middle of a conversation, or I would ask him a question and he would never reply but just start a new topic the next afternoon. I was used to waking up to his good night texts since he sleeps really late but have been let down many times lately.
I don't know what is going on - he is confusing me! and I feel like there are two uncontrollable forces pulling me - I know I'm falling for him but at the same time there is something pulling me back because I really don't want to face the unknown with uncertainty. I want to face the unknown with him and go through difficulty together and grow stronger together. But 1) I don't know the reason for his significantly less frequency of texts, 2) if he really meant it when he said he loved me, though it felt like it, and 3) since the point of him not wanting a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is because he doesn't want me to feel neglected and basically wants to avoid conflict, I'm confused on what I'm allowed to feel and whether it would be okay to confront him or would that make him even more stressed out.
Help! What should I do?????
love Joanne
sorry this is a long message, but i wanted to include as much information as possible..
What you're allowed to feel is entirely up to you, Joanne. And it's the same with whether it's ok to confront him or not. You've been upfront with him about where you're coming from, he's told you how he feels in response to what you said, and now you can see by his actions how he really feels. You'll be able tell if he meant that he loved you by his actions.
When someone loves you, when someone wants to be with you, when someone wants to see where your relationship can go, they want to be in touch with you, they want to see you, they want to connect with you, they want to talk to you. So if this change you've noticed continues, this will give you that much more information about the reality of what is, especially after he's had a chance to have some space like it sounds like he might be taking. And then you can decide what you want to do with this.
If you sense that you're making him stressed, there's probably a reason you're feeling this. If you're talking about confronting him, it doesn't sound like you're comfortable with communicating directly with him for again, some reason. Explore those reasons, ask yourself why you're feeling this way, and I think you'll find your own answers here soon enough.
It's always about what you're comfortable with. It's always about what you can live with and what you can't. And it's always about choosing the decision that restores your sense of peace and calm while leaving you with the least amount of regrets. You'll know soon enough because someone who wants what you want will always make sure you know. He's not going to risk losing you if he's ready for you and wants a real relationship with you!
Hi Jane,
Another one hit the nail right on the head again! The last time I wrote - maybe a month or so ago, it was about the guy I'd been seeing for a year and us becoming distant and not communicating at all unless for sex.I stopped talking to him completely and it was about two weeks that he all of a sudden pops up wanting to hang out. I told him that I didn't want to because he makes me feel uncomfortable because he is so distant now and is giving me the impression that he doesn't want me around and that I just can't do it anymore. He said he was sorry he was busy - common excuse really, so I said so you expect me to drop everything and run to you but you can't even get your finger to dial up long enough to say, "hey sorry things are crazy here catch you soon?" Common decency really!
He told me that he would change that and start being more considerate and take away the tension that is there. I told him that I can't be myself around him and unless I could and he could then it just will not work at all. But being a year into this same cycle - I don't believe him at all. If he couldn't do it for the past year, then why would I be gullible enough to think that he will do it now? It's hard to admit that it isn't sustainable and that it just can't be done! And its not for lack of trying on my part - he is just not on the same page as me anymore.
Over the past couple of days he has tried to message me and I just haven't been able to find the time to get my finger to answer him. Am I just being vengeful in this charade he is playing? Maybe. So in a way, I have started to see that it isn't sustainable and why would I want to try with someone who doesn't want to try - but then there's that part of me who knows him before he became whatever he is now. So I don't know. I don't want to even try to win him over but it's really hard to not answer even though I haven't. Anyway, thanks again for the article, it really did help.
I'm so glad this is all helping, Jenna. Sometimes our back and forth pattern repeats itself for as long as we need to figure out where we're at and what the bigger picture is going on behind the scenes. So much of what we go through is about something else, and it's in this journey of listening to ourselves, of staying true to who we are that we discover how to live, how to be, and how to see.
It's always hard to give up the dream, the potential of what we hold on so tightly to until we finally realize that's the only thing we're holding onto. You know, you always do know what you need to do, if anything right now. Keep the focus on you and what makes you happy, on what matters most in your life. We're not here to convince anyone to be with us, we're here to be our beautiful true selves and see who shows up and who we're truly compatible with. If you're not on the same page, what have you really got?
A big mess. I've been trying to busy myself doing things that I like to do to keep my mind off of him and it is working slowly. It's just strange to me that the minute I am like - no, I don't like you doing this to me so I am out - he is all scrambling to try to hold on. I don't think its strange enough to reply to him though even though he's tried daily now to reach me because I do think it's just a game to him and I don't want to play by those rules anymore. I don't like the on again off again, hot cold routine. I think it's stupid. No communication in a relationship does not work.
It's obviously what he's most comfortable with, Jenna. That push and pull - it happens because he wants it to, because it keeps him from having to leave that comfort zone and actually be close, be committed, be where you are on your page. There's always a reason why someone behaves the way they do, it works for them. If we want it to change, we have to be the ones to let them know when it doesn't work for us.
Thank you!!!!!
Finding someone you (think ) is perfect for you
The guy that you can really connect to, you get along great
You laugh and enjoy each other and everything seems perfect.
Then he withdraws and gets distant and you go over and over what you could have done
Wrong to make such a perfect relationship just vanish...
I am a great catch I am an loving independant strong women
And I have allowed a man to make me feel weak and useless.
So thank you... you are so right. I deserve more... I have sit back give him his space not called or text and yet his still
Distant and withdrawn its been a month. Nothing I get nothing
So with this article and that gut feeling to give up I am gonna give him whay he wants
His freedom.... just hope he realizes what He lost
You're so not alone, Julie; I hope you're seeing that. We can go just so long on the highs before the lows give us that reality check that forces us to eventually take a second look at what's really there, to decide if this is really worth it - if he's worth it - to us. It's always ultimately about us. About the dream we create, about the illusion of a life that would be so perfect, but we miss the fact that he has to want it that way, too. And not just when it's a high moment, unless we accept that as the terms of the relationship - his terms - and we make them our own.
Only if we can live like that, only if we're honest with ourselves and accept this reality with our eyes wide open. It's always your choice, you always get to choose the life - and the love - you settle for. But there's something beautiful that happens when we accept that reality, whichever way we choose, as our choice. It empowers, it instills a renewed sense of confidence to know that whatever your decision was, it was yours.
I think da article is on point,wt u said here us nothing but da truth.Dis is an amazing atticle
Thank you, Lil.
Thank you Jane,
I think I'm in the phase of my life and relationship breakup where new behaviour feels uncomfortable. The guy I had been with for almost 3 years seems to think we can just fix it with the great sex we used to have! But I would like, no I deserve, a man who respects me for me and who has the same desires as me and wants and is able to put into the relationship as much as I put in. I don't ask for a lot. I've learned (financially) to do without, even though I would love the nice things in life and I'm quite content with what I have.
I want to shine and be the real sparkly Donna that I know deep down I am. So I told him about my desires and to have a very hard look to see if we really are compatible as a couple, in all areas. As I typed that, I know we're not there on all levels and I feel strangely excited about that! I'm not too old at almost 43 to meet my future husband. I have never been married, but I definitely would love a cheap intimate wedding, maybe on a beach and to feel relaxed and happy for the first time in my life, for the rest of my life, with the man I'm MEANT to be with. I just need to keep telling myself I deserve that because low self esteem usually gets in the way for me. Life is too short NOT to love myself! 🙂
Hi jane, yes I do believe you have to be yourself, because that is the person that they have fallen in love with, I have gone through this and yes I have searched the internet high and low of ways to get him back, slowly but surely he is back, I have staid myself but have gained some valuable information on things that you do actual miss in a relationship because all men aren't the same and I am in my 50's was married for 29years so really going back into the dating scene at this age there is not a lot out there for us to go on, as all the information is based on women wanting marriage and children, ( we have been there done that) we want a partner, so done to come home too, have dinner with and love and spend time together. What I have read has helped somewhat, especially about simple mind shifts and about actions speaking louder than words and patience especially when previous baggage comes into affect. I know this doesn't excuse people, but what I gave found that deep seated issues really affect people in opening up and trusting another person and unless you are prepared to be patient, understanding setting ground rules (without being used of course and accepting bad behaviour) you could be letter some beautiful man slip away. Not through any fault of your own but some other women's (or man for that matter) miss treatment of them. It's taken me nearly 9 months to find information that has helped me, and opened my eyes. So I wish there was more information out there for people that have been married not once but twice trying to make a go of it. As hard as it is, the KEY difenately is PATIENTS, COMMUNICATION, and understanding, that it's not your fault (he or she) is like that. You have to look outside the box so to speak and sure it's hard it hurts it drives you crazy and yes you could be wasting your time. But if God is on your side he will let you know and if you have great faith, the impossible is 100% worth it in the end. Give your self a time frame, then just go for it, that's what I have done and it's working , no tricks just understanding .
Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, Cathy. There is no one size fits all solution. We have to take what works for us, what resonates with us, what we can live with, and find our own path. I'm so glad you've found what you were looking for and were able to use that knowledge to find your peace, to live your life and to do the best you could for this relationship. It's so encouraging to hear stories like yours to remind us all to follow our own inner nudges, our own internal prompts that ultimately know what we need and what we need to do better than anyone outside of ourselves ever could. No tricks, just understanding - thank you for sharing your journey and I'm so happy to hear that this is happening for you, no matter how slow it takes, if it's meant to be - if he's willing to do whatever it takes as much as you are - that's what matters!
And yes, Jane, it although it never hurts to try and be a bit better then your natural self, perhapse it won't permanently get you the guy. I have being through a coupke of troubled relationships, where I would try all sorts of tricks to keep that particular guy, and they sort of worked. The guy wouls be back for a little while, then soon realise it was not what he really wanted, he was just manipulated into this, and then he would struggle free. On the other hand tge guy who made up his mind all by himself that he really wants yoy, without the intervention on your part, would do anyhing to wib you and keep you, no matter what. You can be all you want, you can be as imperfect as you want, but he would go to the end because he decided he wants you.
Exactly, Nina; you've summarized this beautifully. And of course we always want to be our best selves, but because we want to do this for ourselves not for someone else.
If you want to be just you, then a lot of times it means you have to be just yourself by yourself. But uf you want to be with someone, a lot of tines it means that you havevto change yoursrlf to fit him. It is not easy. And it is not even always possible. Sure it would be perfect if men liked us just tge way we are, with no naje up, no high heels, but we sure have competition from women who try to be a bit better the what they are. They go through pladtic surgeries, they sleep in their make up, they wear heels and they never say what they really think, they only say what he wants to hear. And guess what, they have a certain advantage Sonetimes. Of course it is best uf you are perfect just the way you are, but what if you are far from perfect. If course it would be great if the men of your dreams wanted you the way you are alreadyvyou, but what if he is ibto something a bit dufferent?It is OK to start with what exactly you are, but then it also does not hurt to try and be a tibsy bit better then that. To a reasonable extend. And this is not to say that those dating experts who say it will get him bavk can actually guarantee that he will ne back. Their program is called "Get your ex back" but chapter one is on how to not contact him and just work on yourself and see other people too, and I glbet there are chapters on how you are actually may be better off with soneone else and they also advise to block him oh Facebook if you are always tempted to check his page, so "getting him back" is jot as much about "getting that particular person back". It is more about getting your life and youself back on track first and then hopefully, either the ex woukd be back, or somebody even more suitable would get his spot.
If you are far from perfect, Nina, it is only a cultural standard of perfection, and as much as it seems like this is the standard that we all need to live up to, it's only this way if we make it this way. What you deserve is someone who looks beyond this standard, who sees the true beauty where it's really found, in our hearts, in our souls, in our minds, and in all those places that have nothing to do with any external standard that few of us can ever measure up to.
These are the ones we want in our lives; the ones who see this, too. Anything else, any other standard of someone else's making is never ours to live up to. You set the standard.
Go out and let your true beauty of your unique being shine through. That's the beauty that attracts someone who's truly right for you. Be your best self. Work on being the most beautiful person you can be inside and out. But do it for you, for your own standard of what you can live with and what you want your life to look like. But don't do it for anyone else, or because of any pressure to do or be or become what someone else thinks you should be.
That's what he really wants, because there is nothing as beautiful as a woman who knows her own worth, who sets her own standard and refuses to live by anyone else's definition of what it means to be her. And that's exactly what will separate him from the rest and how you'll know if he's right for you!
so the fact that I'm over 50, still alone and have never been of any interest to a male of the species pretty much says to me that I guess I'm not enough for any of them. Being my authentic self and not trying to be who I'm not has gotten me nothing but alone. I'd "settle" at this point but can't even attract anyone to "settle" for. Can you say "loser" or "reject"? My last attempt ended up with him pointing out that I just wasn't "desirable" before he went off with a woman who is known to stab people in their backs. Apparently I'm not even as good as she is...
Sending you a big hug Alex, I feel the same x
Thanks Helen, I so need it - I figured out the other day that it's been over 3 years since I had a sincere "care about you" hug. My last attempted guy was a great hugger (of course I've since figured out just how insincere those hugs were, but they sure felt great).
Your other homework assignment, Alex; see how many hugs you can give out to people every single day. No matter if they're family or friends or people we just meet who we connect with, no matter who we are - or how young or old we are! - we all need our hugs! And I'm sending a huge one to you right now, too. Do you feel it? 🙂
Hi Alex ,
That's what I miss too, those wonderful hugs. How can they feel so real and sincere when they can walk away and leave you broken. I am trying to move on from my relationship and struggling, but I hope i can get there in the end
Helen x
Hi Helen,
Best of luck to you - I'm with you. I know what you mean about feeling broken. It's not that I want "him" back but I'd sure like to have "a him" to spend some time with, someone to go sailing with and go out to dinner occasionally, or just cuddle with. So it felt like someone cared if I even exist or not. I'm afraid that he's pretty much destroyed my ability to trust (I really felt that he was being honest but apparently I'm not a good judge of people after all). I keep trying to figure out what is the lesson that I was supposed to learn from this experience but I basically keep coming up with negative things. Best wishes to you and I hope you come through this quickly and fiercely.
I didn't forget about you, Alex. I so hear the hurt you're feeling coming through here. Please don't compare yourself to anyone else; "as good as she is" doesn't even begin to describe who you are and what you're worth, my beautiful friend! And those harsh words you're telling yourself, shake them off you, they don't belong anywhere near you. Shake them all off. All of their stuff, all of this stuff that isn't yours to carry, that's been put on you for far too long now, shake it off you. It's not you, Alex.
I know that my telling you that the ones you've been with in the past weren't the ones you were meant to be with doesn't do much from where you stand right now, but I want you to just sit with that for a little while. I don't think you've had much validation or love or appreciation for all that you are and all that you have to offer. And it's time to change that, regardless of the fact that you're over 50, still alone, and holding the belief that you've never been of any interest to a male of the species. When you're ready, it's time to change that story. I'm here for you, I'm here believing in you, but it has to come from you.
I have a little homework assignment for you; I want you to try to find the people who need to be loved, to be held, to be shown some tenderness, some affection, some compassion. They have a lot to show you about just how beautiful a soul you are, how beautiful you are both inside and out when the true light of you is allowed to shine through. There's a little girl deep down inside you who knows the truth about you. She's still there, waiting for her chance to venture out into this great big world of ours and show you around if she's only given half a chance to show you a few things she's been waiting for far too long to show you. Let her out, Alex, she's you.
I don't know your personal story, but I know that when we use the words you use that are so down on yourself, that there's something so wrong that's been allowed to be put on you for far too long. Take what resonates with you, sit with the rest. No matter who you are, or where you've been or what you've been through, I know there's still so much more just waiting for you to see it, too.
Hi Jane,
Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately I don't know how to shut off the negative self-talk. My personal litany pretty much goes "fat, ugly, stupid, boring, loser, awkward, misfit, reject" over and over. The only one of those I can do much about is the "fat" (and frankly even that's not working). All of my life evidence indicates that the others are accurate. I don't know how to change the story. I am generally kind and generous to people (only to be taken advantage of), I have gotten advanced degrees in school (to no avail), I've been involved in volunteer groups and athletic groups (only to feel like the one on the outside), etc etc. I know that screwy hormones are not helping but I still look at the evidence and come out with the common denominator in all of my failed attempts to make friends etc is me so that must be the problem. I used to believe that that "little girl" had potential but unfortunately I've worked around to the conclusion that what is now is the real truth. I'm aware that I need to "love myself" and not rely on a man for validation but I don't any longer have a clue how to turn this mess of a life around.
Then we'll start where you are, Alex. Whatever you can do, wherever you're at, try to find one loving thing to say to yourself, to be proud of yourself for each and every day. It's a start, but we all have to start somewhere. Know that I'm here for you, and so are so many other women here who completely understand what you're saying and where you're coming from. You're so not alone in what you're feeling and how hard it is to see, let alone believe anything different. And find those hugs, they really do help.
I loved the last part Jane, if I'm not enough for him, he is not enough for me, and that is so true. I love you Gurl!!!
Exactly! So glad you got that, Jenaea, and thank you 🙂
If you're not enough for him, then the truth is that he's not enough for you. Jane you said something right there!!!!
I felt I was not enough because I do not have a degree, title or six figure salary. As I began to look at what I do have and who I am....I realized that he was not enough for me with the degree, title and six figures salary because he did not recognize GREATNESS standing in his face.
Exactly, BRD; you've got this!
Dear Human beings.
Please stop falling into this marketing of fear and entrapment and manipulation that so many Westerners are promoting. Especially Matthew Hussey and other crazy folks like that. They do it to gain money from your fear.
Self Esteem and Ego is manipulated in the West to bring people down. To create terms like WINNING, LOOSING. No one is authentic anymore, learn from grounded cultures who have real relationships who love with their heart not to gain or loose, but we are made to love. This whole dating world in the west disgusts me. People are taking joy from each other and not giving all in the terms of battling their own selfish needs. Yes you have to look after yourself , but for the UNION. Be loving not for the sake of gaining but for the terms of just living. Why do people here in the west think about GAIN AND LOSS. My family we all love and support each other. We are not doormats, and definitely do not love some one whose essence is dark. Their issues are too evil where light cannot even enter. Enjoy the ride with joy, whether its a job, a vacation or a relationship. WE MUST STOP PUTTING PRESSURE ON OURSELVES ABOUT A GOAL A DESTINATION. Learn from cultures untouched by this crazy materialistic society. Look at the peace and love they have in their hearts, they have none of these worries in their head. It's all about survival for the family and community. Think in those terms to really be realistic with yourself here. None of this egomaniac gameplaying is real. it's why so many superficial relationships breakdown. I know it hurts , trust me believe me I have been hurt everytime I have been authentic in my dating life. But I realise a lot of people here have issues self created or are not in touch with their own essence. So how can one person who knows their essence be in a relationship with someone who is still living on the surface. It's brutal out here. But I have faith there is that person for you all, if you have faith in your INTENTIONS. ALWAYS CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS. YOUR INTENTIONS CREATE YOUR ACTIONS AND THE RESULTS ARE THE TRUTH!
Seriously ladies just live, STOP BUYING INTO MARKETING. Look and learn from cultures who have successful families from authenticity and support. A real healthy relationship , at any time one may love each other more, don't be afraid if he/she doesnt show the same affection as the beggining, its real life. We are trying to survive lets not beat ourselves up about loving. CHECK YOUR INTENTIONS, why do you think about the outcome, why are people trying to trap people and drain each others joy. Understand that we are not in control of another person, but if you have genuine intentions and you want to spend your life with them as a partner in life, then never give up until you feel its your own time. No one can tell you only your head and your heart can guide you. A real relationship will have ups and downs, sometimes a woman has to be stronger to stand by a mans side, and a man has to be stronger to stand by your side. You have to support each other through ups and downs of life. All this rejection, superficial stuff is made up to make people crazy, that's why so many people are unhappy hear in the West. Don't loose your soul, your essence your light in the name of marketing, in the name of materialism. No one has the answers to your relationship or life problems. I don't trust the bible or other religious scriptures, the FAKE LIFE COACHES AND SO CALLED WESTERN GURUS have no insight to life. We are all human and we make mistakes we rise and fall. But don't avoid problems deal with them head on. Seriously women lets some analysing and live. Breathe.
You're so fortunate to come from a family and a place that offers you such support, Hope; what a wonderful base that provides for every area of your life. I agree that we sell ourselves short when we get so caught up in the ultimate goal or destination instead of enjoying the adventure of life and not taking it all so seriously - and so personally - so often to the detriment of our beautiful selves. What a difference it would make if we all came from such supportive places of community and family that we all crave in being such social beings!
And yet, while it's wonderful that you have a close-knit family that you're able to get your support from, the reality is that so many of us do not have the kind of support from their families and the culture that you mention here. For many, their day to day lives without support seem just that serious and that personal without someone to help them to see a different way of looking at things, without a different way of being in this world we live in. And so for the women - and men - who don't have that kind of support from their own families and communities, it is important to reach out to people they can trust for that support and help so they, too, can feel loved and embraced and supported for who they are, for wherever they find themselves, for whatever path they're on.
It's not about doing this alone, it's about finding the people who love you for you, who see the beauty in you that you can't see for yourself, who remind you of all that you are and all that you have to offer, until one day, you see it so clearly for yourself. How we all find that is such an individual choice; the important thing is that we do!
Hi Jane, Apologies if I sounded so direct, its the passion and honesty from our culture. I am not having a go at anyone. No one is better we are all born in different situations. My point of manipulative life coaches or people like Matthew Hussey and all this positive thinking crap. Is merely false and evil. Its brainwashing and making people loose touch with reality. I feel its dangerous. I understand people turn to books, youtube advice, I speak from experience as I fell victim to it. My gut was telling me this is not the truth, this is all games and manipulation etc. But I learnt. So i was merely telling people, listen to your body mind and soul. Sometimes too much advice is bad. Its our own path. My advice is to be a realist and like it the bigger picture of any situation in life. It's never about you if your being authentic from the heart with true intentions. This is not about judgement of good and bad, gain or loose or impure or pure. Dont be hard on yourself, just trust your own self. Look at life in a realistic way, sometimes people using positive thinking and laws of attraction have made people delusional and hallucinate and has resulted in tragic cases. I am not advising to be depressed and think negative. Just look at the reality and the bigger picture of any issue and make your decision from there. I just wish people to stop buying into marketing based on fear.
I understand, Hope; and I hear where you're coming from. Sometimes we're so passionate about something we can't help ourselves when we find something we feel so strongly about. There is no one size fits all, it's all about being ourselves, being authentic, and listening to ourselves, believing in who we are, and finding support for our journey along the way. Yes, it would be a beautiful thing if we didn't have to undo so much, and relearn so much along the way, but the reality of "what is" always wins out and in the end, no matter how we come to it, we learn what we're meant to learn in our own unique ways. You've given us all some food for thought, and that's exactly what this forum is all about.
I like this guy since sep 13 & there was nothing I dislike about him. We had been friends since then but in jan 14 he didn't reply to my txts n I thought am I or ain't I still friends with him? At 1 stage I didn't want to give him a fb msg but my trusty ppl told me to do it. I said to him "can we be friends on here, as long as your nice" 2 hours later he gave me a msg back saying "Sorry for the delays & he knew I was gonna reply back, he didn't see me as a friend in his life or a GF, he thought chatting would be the go n he avoided seeing me, he said if he liked spongebob then he would spend time with them 2x week for 6 months. He knew I would b upset n said not to b upset bcoz nothing happened between us n told me he blocked my number n msgs on his phone n said not to hassle him on here n move on. He said if I reply he wont reply back n ignore me n warned me not to reply n read the msg n accept the friendship is over n I was so upset I lost a good friend like him. So I haven't replied to him n my heart says he will come back to me as a friend if I leave him alone on fb. I got this 2nd guy who's beachy n I haven't seen him since dec 2011 & I'm fb friends with him but he's not on fb alot but I give him a txt how his day is n he says something like not thst good etc. Should I wait for the 1st guy to come back after 6 months - 2 years? Should I block him on fb? He was only a friend (1st guy) 7) & should I wait for him to add me as a friend or even add him as a friend after 6 months? I really liked him but he was a busy guy. Idk whether to wait for him to add me as a friend on fb or get to know if this beachy guy I'm so desperate for help.
If it's meant to be, Courtney, it will be, but only if he's on the same page as you, only if he's looking for the same level of commitment, only if he's willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. Fill your own cup so full of the people who clearly show you by their actions that they want you in their lives, Courtney, and don't settle for anyone else's crumbs. Go where you're loved; spend time where you're adored and appreciated for being your own beautiful true self. Time will ultimately tell, but don't wait around for anyone to come to you without spending that time fully living your own life, doing the things that make you happy, and surrounding yourself with people who support you and love you and bring out the best in you! You deserve nothing less than that!
Well, as the Olympics have been during Valentine's Day, this is something my cousin tagged me in when posting her status update about Viktor Ahn, the first Olympian to win a Gold medal for two different countries in the same century: Viktor Ahn's Gold Medal win close to Valentine's Day at the Sochi Olympics is a lesson in handling rejection. Rejection in itself is not a bad thing. What's bad is how you respond to it. Do you internalize it and make it part of a defeating identity? Or do you assess the situation objectively and make your move based on what you choose to create? Ahn did the later IMHO because when the South Korean skating officials rejected him to be on their Olympic team, he choose to accept the chance to train as an adopted citizen of Russia, who had approached him. Long story short, South Korean skating officials rejected Ahn but he renamed himself Viktor (which means winner) and won Gold for Russia. Moral of the story: If you don't have true confidence and the work ethic to back it up when going after your goals, then you're at the effect of other people's definition of you. If you do have real confidence, their rejection, doesn't define you. Ahn has gone from a rejected by the South Korean Olympic Skating officials to becoming the first Olympian to win a Gold medal for two different countries in one lifetime. Rejection can either crush you or propel you to better outcomes, depending on how you respond to it. It all comes down to confidence. Matthew Hussey said that one can have all the techniques in the world but if they lack the confidence, none of it will work, Viktor Ahn's victory is an example of how far confidence can take you in the face of what seemed to be ultimate rejection. So, to reiterate her point: Rejection doesn't mean defeat. Viktor Ahn went from being rejected for the 2014 Olympic team in his native country to winning Gold for his adopted country instead. Along the way he choose a Russian name for his adopted homeland. Viktor meant winner. Even after what seemed to be the ultimate rejection, Ahn's identity remained in the winner's mentality, and he worked hard to train to win. Congratulations to him on turning a rejection into a victory.
The ultimate point is: maybe learn from this Olympian. He didn't waste energy trying to get the skating officials to change their minds. He moved on, never looked back, started a new chapter training for his new country, and now he has a Gold at Sochi 2014. Meanwhile, the officials who rejected him have some explaining to do to an angry public who are directing their upset at them and not the Olympian. Their rejection is their loss .... of a Gold medal and more!
So move on from the ex. Don't waste time trying to bring back the past. Move on swiftly and confidently in the direction of your dreams. I know that quote is from someone but I can't remember who.
Hi Jackie
I think you should read my comment below. But had to reply to your comment. Please do not get offended by my remarks. I feel you have entangled yourself so much on these books and people who manipulating peoples fears for their own gain. You should trust your heart and head and believe in yourself. Please do not trust or follow people like Matthew Hussey. I say this as a friend of mine took me to one of his events many years ago and other friends gave me other crap to buy into when i started doubting my journey. It made me ill and loose myself. When I knew i had it all in me from my culture from my heart. Our hearts and minds . A womans intuition is very powerful. For some people are born with great strength, light, hearts of gold and in touch with some wisdom. Others it takes time from their own journey and up to the individual to learn. No one is better, we are all experiencing life in different ways. I have seen many of your comments, and I feel for you as I can relate. I was trapped into beleiving certain people, even tho in my heart I could tell these people were manipulating me from their own corruption. I was born out of truth a very innocent culture, so I can sense when someone has an agenda. But I let the fear get me. I really HOPE women stop buying into these people and trust their own inner wisdom we all have it. Just listen, its the intelligence, the soul that wakes us up everyday. My family have been through a lot like any family, but these evil people who are only making a career and manipulating people on this whole positive thinking, laws of attraction would not make it in the real world. Think of it this way, imagine giving these books to a kid in the third world. Imagine telling a kid who has no food or in the midst of war. Just think positive, visualise peace, visualise a plate of food. DOESNT WORK DOES IT. BECAUSE ITS NOT REALITY. PLEASE DON'T LOOSE TOUCH WITH REALITY LADIES. I believe in the creator, but I believe its in us. We have so great life in us. Life around us will never be easy, but we must keep our inner strength strong.
Hi Hope,
I note your comments. All I have to say is that I take what is valuable to me, trust my gut first and foremost, and move on with the best intentions and vision in mind for myself and others. I also am aware that too much self-help can make a person neurotic. Ultimately, the goal of life for me and everyone else is to trust oneself.
Hi Hope, I note your comments. All I have to say is that I take what is valuable to me, trust my gut first and foremost, and move on with the best intentions and vision in mind for myself and others.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful analogy, Jackie. Rejection is never, ever the personal rejection that we make it out to be. Whether it's a person, or a system or whatever it is, if you can't be your true self or your true self isn't enough, it's never that there's anything wrong with you, it's just not a fit!
Exactly. I love real-life examples of how moving on is the best thing.
It is a good story and inspiring!
Only when your in these damn emotions you feel bad
And sad.
I love these athletes they have this "I am gonna win" attitude.
Which is inspiring
It's so amazing. My ex just contacted me this month.
And I was just thinking and thinking... And today as I woke up I thought
What am I doing? Is it so different this time? Am I going to give my precious heart again and let
Him break it!? I even cried. Because I thought an I ever going to find a nice man
And build something out of love?
I felt also ashamed that all these emotions and thoughts came.
I thought I was so over him. Why did I even answer his phone call etc.
I still do not know. Maybe because I don't have a boyfriend now and just wanted
Attention.
Only I learned that kind of attention gives me no joy or happiness on the long term.
Thank you Jane. You just gave me good inspiration to just
Go on and believe in myself!
Thank you!
Don't feel ashamed, Maris. Whatever the reason, it's part of this process of growth. What you experienced is so normal and is all part of growing, of finding ourselves, of discovering what we want to keep of the old and what we want to let go of. It's how this new way of being and seeing and living becomes a part of us, by questioning ourselves, by seeing what comes up, by checking in with who we are now in relation to what we were then. It's all a part of the journey! Keep listening to what you know, keep remembering what you know to be true, keep putting yourself first and honoring and loving that beautiful woman you know you are, Maris. "Go on and believe in myself" - yes, exactly!
I do feel ashamed Jane. It is difficult sometimes to stay positive and caring on.
I know it takes time and things were meant to be.
But sometimes I get this feeling of "why me" . How come
I get these emotions from the past. Sometimes it is like a big wave and it
Just comes over you. And I don't know how a women like myself can be so
Stupid to fall every time for the same kind of men. In this case my ex.
It's almost pathetic in a way.
I found out he is actually in a fresh relationship while
Contacting me. I confronted him about this fact and he said he wanted
To see on a friendship base how I was doing. And got mad . How can a man
Be in love and want to keep contact with me. In a way I know it's not me to analyse it.
Now I know the past is the past.
But how do I get over this insecure feeling. I feel so lost on my journey.
I feel like I don't want to date at all.
My heart goes out to you, Maris. For there is nothing that derails your journey - your progress - as fast as finding out someone has moved on without you. Nothing. It cuts through to the very core of us, forcing us to see the full reality of what is so undeniably, that we're forced to abandon those last threads of hope that we didn't even realize we were still holding onto. It rocks our world, shakes our confidence, and leaves us questioning ourselves and our progress this far. We may know what we know to be true with our heads, as you say, but it's our hearts that feel this fresh new wound and leaves us feeling more lost and unsure of ourselves than we even felt before.
Don't try to fight it. Feel it. Let it be. How can a man be in love and want to keep contact with me indeed! Because he doesn't know anything about real love, Maris, and certainly not the kind you want, not the kind you deserve. It's not what it appears to me. She doesn't have anything you don't. He isn't so much more than he ever was with you. As much as we hurt ourselves by believing that when we're feeling low, it's not the dream that you wanted for you. Remember that.
This isn't the time to make things harder on yourself. This is the time for that kind, gentle love for yourself to be shown to the innermost core of you. Don't beat yourself up for any of this. You're human. You feel so much because you have so much to give, so much love to offer, and such a beautiful loving, caring, giving heart! Celebrate that, Maris. When it's not him but someone else who is there, too, it will be the most beautiful thing you've ever experienced!
But for now, give that love, that compassion, that understanding, to the one who needs it most - you. Let those waves crash over and around you as they will. But know that this is only for a time, and this will pass, those waves will calm, and your soul and your spirit will calm along with them. Tomorrow is a new day. And the next day after that, and the next day after that. We all have our "why me" moments; they're what make us real. Just one step a time. You've haven't lost any time, you haven't lost anything. Two steps forward, one step backward - it's the story so many of us relate to because that's the only way we get there!
Thank you Jane for your reply! You are right. I need to celebrate how far I have come despite
This awkward or difficult moment! And carry on without fear or anger. Just let it pass through.
In a crazy way i see it as a gift now. I feel awake and it forced me to look again within.
Because I do believe in love and that it supposed to feel good for me.
I am going to focus more on me and my insecurities and enjoy myself in a healthy way.
Also for my partner or the guy I am dating.( no. One at this point) i do not want complicated
Theories around a man and love. It's supposed to feel joyful and save!
I do not know where you get the wisdom and patience from. You truly amaze me Jane.
Blessed you be. I feel better and more secure.
I think about the words you give and they lead me some moments through the day.
In a positive way!
I'm so glad this is all helping, Maris; we absolutely cannot do this without support along the way!
Hi Jane ,
Do you know what you are certainly correct in what you are saying. I wrote to about a year ago about just this, and I am here again. He has gone form life again. I am trying so hard to not pull him back as I have before because I know he can't do it. He lives 100 miles away from me and just afraid to commit to me and my family. My daughter recently had a child Harry. He was around tk hold him when he was first born and also when he was desperately ill, but still he can walk away. He has no children of his own and I thought I was sharing my family with him and that he really cared about them. How can he when he can turn his back on me and them without so much as a goodbye. I know if he sent me a text saying he's sorry and can't go in without me , I would take him back! I know that's would not be good for me but I feel weak. I can't seem to let him go! I feel really stupid. It seems in the short term it's easier tha. Trying to go on without him.
Love Helen x
In your own time, Helen, you'll get to where you want to be. It's always a process, this back and forth, this not quite sure and then very sure on our parts. This two steps forward, one step back. The most loving thing you can do for yourself is to not beat yourself up, to not be so hard on yourself for not being so sure, to love yourself through this even as you're experiencing the process of what it means to do something different when you feel you can't.
You are that strong, you so are! But if for now, all you can do is love yourself through this uncertainty, to honor yourself by not being hard on yourself and applauding simply the fact that you are seeing this as a choice you're making and how difficult it is, this is all enough. In time, when it's no longer working to do the same things we've always done, when we get uncomfortable enough to do something different - we get to the next part of our journey!
Hi Jane,
Thanks Jane I listening to what you say. I feel quite weak at the moment, hopefully this may change
Helen x
One step at a time, Helen. You're not alone. One step at a time. It's a lot to take in when we're so new to this, when we're just beginning to see ourselves - and our situations - in a different light. Growing pains are never easy but keep being you, keep pushing through, keep discovering the beauty in you, keep surrounding yourself with people who love and support you and see the clear light of you. Keep going where you're loved. Keep doing those things that make you happy, that give you some joy, that help you to see who you are, and all that you have to offer someone who's truly worthy of you.
When we haven't had our cups filled full enough for awhile, when we've settled for too long, when we haven't been able to find our way and seem to keep going around in circles, we need those extra loving words, those extra caring hugs, that extra support from the people and places that can help fill us up with that love. It's ok if you're feeling weak; it's more than ok and it's huge that you're in tune enough with yourself to recognize this and reach out for the support we all need. Give yourself some credit, Helen, give yourself more than you usually do. One step a time, Helen. You're getting this. You're getting there.
Thank you once again jane xx
You're so welcome, Helen 🙂