Our dear friend, Cara, is wondering how to get out of the friends with benefits situation she's found herself in, and be more than just a booty call to him.
Here's her story:
Dear Jane,
I found your website few months ago and it is amazing and full of great information. I was wondering if you could help me figure out a man problem I am having?
Last year I met a man and we went on few great dates which lead to great sex but soon after that I noticed he would only come over late and only to have sex.
I talked to him and told him I wasn't looking for a "booty call" and he told me that he is interested in me but that he is not looking for a relationship right now. I kept on seeing him and eventually I realized that he will never want a relationship with me so I agreed to friends with benefits thing.
Recently he told me that he liked me at first but because our relationship turned into sleepovers only he stopped seeing me as a girlfriend material.
He knows I like him and we decided to be friends but as you can imagine I am having trouble being just friends.
I know this sounds crazy but I am heart broken and I want to know if there is anything at all I can do to make him not see me as "booty call" only?
I understand that the best thing for me is to not be friends with him and move on but I am scared. Please help!
Thank you,
Cara
My Response:
Dear Cara,
I’m so glad you’re here and you’re getting something out of my website.
It doesn't sound crazy to me, Cara.When we settle for a friends with benefits relationship with someone who isn't on the same page, who is content to have all the benefits of being with us without the commitment that we want from them, we become involved in a way that breaks our hearts and leaves us feeling so much worse about ourselves.
Instead of being single and available for someone who is on the same page and is looking for the same thing you are – with you! – instead, you are left with the lingering doubts and fears that you aren't worth anything more than this because you have a constant reminder that you’re not good enough for him to want anything more than this.
It becomes part of our psyche and our self-esteem and self-confidence feel the effects the longer we continue on with these terms – his terms - even as we continue to try to convince ourselves it’s better than nothing and he’s worth it to keep him in our lives, to be with someone – with him – than being alone.
But as much as we try to convince ourselves of this, we’re not fooling our deepest selves because we know we’re not meant to live like this.
And you know this.
As much as you think he’s worth it, as much as you believe being with him on some level is better than not being with him on any level, deep down inside you know you’re not made for this.
Listen to what he’s really saying here when he told you that he liked you at first but he stopped seeing you as girlfriend material because your relationship turned into sleepovers. Now he’s turning the tables on you, my beautiful friend.
You’re not to blame here for why he isn't able to give you more than this; this is about him, not you.
But you’re not going to change him.
As much as you believe that remaining in his life on his terms to show him all that you are and all that you have to offer is going to convince him of your worth and make him want to choose you, this isn't how it happens. He has to come to this himself. He has to want to.
He has no reason to do anything different because he gets to have all of you – on his terms – without having to do anything in return. He has it so good!
The reality is, Cara, that the only way to change this, the only thing you can do to make him see you as something other than a booty call, is to refuse to be one.
How do you do this?
You define what your own terms are. You have to first be confident about what you can and can’t live with.
- What are you willing to settle for?
- What are you not willing to settle for?
- Can you really be just friends with him?
- Can you really be just friends with benefits with him?
Be honest with yourself here. You’re not going to be able to be strong enough with him unless you’re first strong with yourself. You have to know where you stand and be able to back it up knowing that you’re worth it and you do deserve more than what you’re getting here!
You believe his terms. When he says he’s not ready for a relationship right now that means he’s not ready for a relationship right now and he doesn't know when – or if – he ever will be.
It means he doesn't want to be convinced, he doesn't want to be helped, he doesn't want to be saved, he doesn't want anything more than he’s getting right now from you. And the only way to interpret this is to take every word at face value and believe him. This is where he’s at.
You let your actions speak louder than your words. So you've let him know that you’re not OK with the way things are. You communicate with him by telling him that you want more than what you've been getting, and then you don’t back down because you know you’re worth more than this. And then you let your actions show him that you mean what you say and you don’t fall back into your old relationship with him.
You only accept dates with him that involve going somewhere other than your place or his. You don’t accept just going over to his place or him coming over to yours. It’s way too tempting to keep doing more of the same if you’re in the same place where it’s all too easy to give into the heat of the moment and do what you've gotten so used to be doing. You’re not trying to make this harder on yourself; your goal is to make it easier.
I know why you’re scared, Cara.
You already know what his response will be. You already sense what’s going to happen here if you stand up for what you want and refuse to let him use you like this.
You know you’re probably going to lose him.
And that’s scary when you feel like he’s everything to you right now. Know that you’re not alone in feeling like this; almost every single one of us have been here in some shape or form.
But what I want you to understand is that greater than this fear, should be the fear that by settling for this, you’re going to be wasting your beautiful you on someone who’s not on your page, who isn't compatible with you no matter how much you want to believe he is.
You can’t live your life based on someone’s potential, waiting for someone to come around and be all that you think he can be.
What matters here is the reality of what is, not the fantasy of what you so want it to be. The choice is always yours, Cara. This is always your very own personal decision that no one can make for you.
I hope this helps, and I hope it helps to know that we're here for you.
Love,
Jane
Any other thoughts, advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Cara? Share them with us in the comments!
Hi ladies, I have been in this situation for a little over 2 years now. I fell for a guy I dated for a couple of months and we started having sex. It felt so good to be around him. Sometimes I had the sense that he could be a jerk, but I thought you know, no one is perfect and maybe he is just moody since he never seemed to really appreciate me even though he took me out, etc. I had a lingerig feeling that somehow I wasn't "good enough" for him because I was still working on my degree, a couple years older than him and he had his degree and was in his career. I had no idea why I felt this way-since usually I don't, and no men previously made me feel like "less" for it. Well, come to find out these where the reasons he broke up with me...even though he admitted having feelings for me and would consider marriage if I were rich or almost finished with my career. I was sooo crushed, along with my self-esteem. How could he be so shallow? And yet part of me rationalized for him (he is just trying to look out for himself, etc.) It has been so hard to trust and love any man and my feelings for him were deep and natural, and I felt betrayed by my own feelings. I wanted to cut off contact from him, he actually stayed with me late and "comforted" me after the breakup. He said later that if I were to cut off contact with him then I would be insignificant to him....and insisted we try to be "friends" without me getting myself together. I don't know if this was a plot to keep me emotionally attached and wanted whatever I could get from him-but it worked. He would be cold sometimes and sometimes we went through periods where we talked everyday and hooked up sometimes and he was like my best friend that I always wanted more from. Eventually he would always end up reminding me that we would never be togther and I needed to move on if I wanted a bf. But when I did try to move on several times...there he always was in the back of my mind and if he decided to pay me any attention I would completely forget about getting to know someone else and right back to square one! My friends all wanted me to cut off contact with him, but I really cared about him so much and wanted to give him all I could. Once, he saw me out with a younger man and he tried to get me back, taking me out, calling me sweetheart again, but I never knew where we stood and was afraid to ask. I pulled away from him w/o saying anything and eventually he told me again we would never be together. He crushed me again and again and I felt so close to him and would keep giving in and feeling like total crap about myself afterwards. We have great chemistry and that is hard to resist, but he would try to talked to me afterwards when I felt bad and it always made me feel worse. He was king. He got everything he wanted and I got none. I cut him off several times and then would unblock him eventually b/c I missed just talking with him, but he always tried to get a booty call even when I started seeing someone else and I refused to see him even though it was so hard. My relationship ended b/c I couldn't stop thinking about him and I went back to being used worse than ever because we hooked up after 6 months of not seeing eachother . This happened a few times, then he went traveling for months and tried to hook up when he got back. I said no, but after new year's I betrayed myself again and gave into his requests after telling him I wouldn't take it anymore.
The worst thing is he used to actually try to be or pretend to be a friend to me, finding how I am everyday and now it's blatantly nothing but sex for him...even if he denies he is using me, it's so obvious it's painful.
I have just sent him a long message explaining that I will no longer have any contact with him. It's hard because I don't have a lot of close friends, but I am sick of feeling betrayed by myself and him. He said he didn't want anything else and when he sweet talks it's just to get what he wants and then he's back to being a callous a-hole.
I feel like I enabled him, but he had to be manipulating me. I know there is no going back from this and it is scary, but I believe what everyone else here says, we are better off with ourselves for a time until we can find someone who doesn't use us!!!!
Good luck to everyone. I am so glad to know I am not alone in this.
My God, Debbie. I feel all sorts of things having just read your post. It makes me angry and sad that you're putting up with this and I'm sorry you fell for such a douchebag. I just hope you have the strength and clarity to see this and get out cut him loose for good. This person is toxic and will leave you worse than you already feel if you don't leave. Please get out.
No human being deserves this kind of treatment and no, this is not a decent man. This is just too much. Please free yourself, rid yourself of this harmful thing. This is no way to live. By the way, it isn't love what you feel. There's a deep rooted issue inside you that's keeping you there as a doormat.
Don't know for sure, but you may be suffering from the "nice girl syndrome " this is the worst nightmare ever. The nice girl finishes last, not because she's nice, but because she's being nice when and to who she shouldn't be at all.
Big hug.
Thanks Angel,
I really needed to hear this. I'm laying in bed with things to do and I keep thinking of him and how he must feel and that I can't believe I won't see or speak to him again, etc. I know it's for the best though. He didn't care much how I felt when he put me through this limbo act. Even if he said he did care....he himself would admit he was callous and would never comfort me when he spoke just said the same thing, the worst thing, "We'll never be together..." then stop flirting with me etc.!! I don't know why he even dated me. It's hard because it was natural for me to care and maybe for him too until he got to that point that would never change for him. I hope I get to feeling better and can see my life without him. I hate being attached to such a jerk.
I know you say it's not love I feel...maybe just this feeling that I needed him, that his life went how I wanted mine to go. Except he's a jerk. Idk, but I've agreed with that too. Just had this feeling of wanting to be closer to him. He prob knows no-one will care about him the same.
I have been too nice, thank you Angel. I need to stick to my guns, put him out of my mind and live my life.....I wish I knew why he meant this much to me. A crush usually never lasts this long, esp. to a jerk.
Hugs!
WOW, I've been in this very situation for 9 months now...it started great, dates, compliments, etc....then became what it is. I have the added issues of being recently divorced after a LONG marriage and this guy being 12 years younger than me....creates a tremendous amount of low self esteem and self doubt. This article and all the comments were very uplifting. Thank you!! 🙂
So glad you found this article helpful with your situation, Kim. You're never alone in what you go through.
Cara, to be honest I think the guy is actually being cruel for first not offering what you actually would really like, and then tell you now he actually liked you but doesn't want you as his girlfriend for settling with what HE proposed... I can imagine you feel low for that, I would actually be pissed at him telling me that!!
Apart from the things already mentioned here... that it's about valuing yourself enough to walk away. I just 'chased' a guy away myself that I was interested in as probably I would have been stuck in the same position as you: being available for some exciting chat and sex whenever he was around since the desire is there with me too, but him not wanting to offer more. It's just opting for second best and only works when you really really really would want it with all your heart, not if you have double feelings and actually would want more. I wonder if any woman can actually do it without feeling attached anyway. That's what I realized after reading all the great blogs here! Thanks a millions.... this afternoon I was crying now I'm smiling and feeling strong!
Cara I think it is brave of you to walk away and choosing your own goals. Stay strong girl!
I think letting go is the right thing to do for YOU Cara... I'm having to let go of someone too but believe me, I wish it wasn't like this. But like you so wisely say by being with them will only hurt me more and I need to do what's best for me and put myself first. By walking away you are setting yourself free, allowing you to follow your OWN goals and dreams. Stay true to yourself and what you want in life (which is more than what he has to offer). You shouldn't have to change anything about yourself or supress your needs for him, remember he isn't going to change for you. Stay strong and keep to this very courageous decision you have made to walk away.. You have so much to give, save it for someone who deserves you, someone who will love you and ALL of you. Although it hurts so much right now you are saving yourself in the long run... Think how great it will be when you meet your true love, he will have everything that this man has to give, everything that kept you holding on but more, WAY MORE! which is what you want and what you deserve. There won't be any of this upset, pain, guilt or stress that this man has caused you but it will be two people (on the same page) falling in love. Don't regret that this happened but learn from it... You see, from this you now know what you really want from a relationship. Take it and run with it and you will find true love... Somebody who is going to love everything about the wonderful you... It's his loss and your gain.
Wishing you happiness on your journey... Enjoy it! x
Dear Cara and All,
I've been in situations like this a couple of times. This last time was more painful than the first. Part of the pain was from knowing that I was hurting my own self by staying. I had to ask myself, did I truly enjoy hurting every single moment of every single day? What it really amounted to, was that I needed him to change, and what right does anyone really have in asking/expecting someone else to change? So, I took a long look at what it would actually take for him to change to be the way I needed him to be. Well, he would first need to think that he needed to change, and that definitely wasn't there for him. Everything was fine and wonderful for him, because I helped it get that way. There was no work involved for him at all, except initially, when he rushed the heck out of me, making me think he was really crazy about me. I realized, that even back at that point, something didn't feel right, but I ignored my gut. All in all, he liked things just the way they were. If nothing changes, nothing changes. I accepted that I had to change. It took some doing, but I was able to tell him that I was done. Of course, he didn't want that to happen....he'd have to go through the work of finding and setting himself up again with another "friend". Funny how they call it friendship, when no real friend would keep a situation going with you that they knew was really hurting you. So, ask yourself, what would your "friend" need to change about himself that would be good for you, and help make things work out, and see if you think he's capable. Then try asking him to change, and see how fast he pulls out his big excuse bag, blah, blah, blah. Sleeping with them (as I did) before we have commitment, hurts us because there is no time for him to get and feel emotionally involved with us, which is what he needs to be to make things work. Men are vastly different than women that way. In my experienced opinion, there is no way that the emotional tools he needs will now just suddenly appear. You've heard the old saying. "You can't get blood out of a turnip?" I hope this helps. Take it a step at a time and learn how it give yourself the love you need/crave. Here are the words from a song, one of the many inspirational messages I needed to keep myself going after I told him to get lost. And by the way, be prepared for a bunch of "I miss you baloney." They'll no doubt be just empty words designed to keep you right where you are at, which is no where. Anyway...from a Duran Duran song: "Only change will bring you out of the darkness. In this moment, everything is born again. Reach up for the sunrise, put your hands into the big sky. You can touch the sunrise, feel the new day, enter your life." I will be pulling for you, Cara.
Robin
Hi Cara and hello Jane and everyone else!
I've been struggling with this myself for the past year. In fact, when I read this post I thought it was my same exact situation! I've gone around in circles over the past year too with what I wanted to accept and what I wasn't willing to accept and really Jane - you hit the nail on the head so many times when you addressed this! It is about the value we put on ourselves really, I am coming to understand. Its still very hard to break out of for me as well. We met a year ago and dated for about 6 months but gradually it turned into sleepovers. Then it got sporadic - then the communication changed to rare form. The hardest thing for me is that I really thought that we genuinely clicked, we had fun together, and for him to all of a sudden tell me that it was 'just sex' for him the whole time and nothing more really tore me up. We said from the beginning that we would just enjoy being able to be with each other - and we did so much together, talked about so many things that got us close. And now - I don't like that there is no communication and I know that he is using me. When we were friends and went out and talked - it was different. He wanted to be around me for more than just my body and for what I could do for him. But walking away from him completely is turning out to be much harder than I thought it would be. It really makes it hard to even think about finding true love - guess that's why its called a broken heart. Thank you talking about this. 🙂
You're so welcome, Jenna. Walking away is absolutely the hardest thing we ever do because we don't want to, because we're not completely convinced that we're doing the right thing, because we miss so much of the good times as our selective memory forgets the whole reason we're walking away in the first place, because we're so understanding, we believe so much in his potential and we're so afraid that we might be missing out on our last best chance at love. That's why it's so huge when you understand what you've figured out here, Jenna; it's always about us and not him and it's always, always, always about the value we place on ourselves! Be so proud of yourself for getting this 🙂
There is so much beauty in walking away, well done. There may be feelings of hurt, pain, loneliness, empowerment and on occasion doubt. You may even convince yourself that your empowerment was actually a moment of acting too irrationally, because if you were 'rational', you'd see the logic behind sticking around to help those feelings and moments between you two grow... But, I'm here to tell you that even if he cares for you, which I'm sure he does. Even if he thinks you're a catch, which I'm sure he does... He has categorized you as non relationship material and that category won't change, irrespective of time or effort. So, I've seen this as my failing in the past and wondered why I wasn't enough. I'm here to reinforce that you are enough. You're just someone else's enough. And you want to find that someone else because when you do, you'll see, hear, feel and know that he in fact has SO MUCH MORE to offer you than you. And it'll feel great and you'll look fondly upon your time when you cared for a man and had fun with him and then walked away so that you could find the true love, the true love who is also looking for you...
Jane,thank you so much for this article.
Could you please try to give me a little explanation on this: How possibly can man and woman be in this kind of booty call for very long time?There are many people out there who keep booty call for many years! But is it really purely about sex and liking that person only? If man and woman keep things casually only for years there has to be something more built between them?Even for men,they should be eventually emotionally attachad too? I just cant believe that human been can easily just have sex with one person without any emotions .Or am I wrong?
They can, Lucy; if what they've been through has emotionally hardened them to the point that they've shut themselves down emotionally and closed themselves off in a form of self-protection, they can live like this for a very long time. They have to want to change this. They have to want to do things different, to get the help they need, to do the work that's necessary to heal what needs to be healed to change this. It has to come from them. And it's because we so want to help, we want to save them, we want to reach them, that we can go on as long as we do settling for so much less believing that eventually we will be the motivation that finally reaches them and heals them and gives them the reason to change. The problem is, we actually enable them to keep doing what they're doing, to keep living like this because it's only the opposite action - where we refuse to allow ourselves to be treated like this - that changes anything. For as long as we are willing to let ourselves be used like this, as long as we continue to convince ourselves we can do this, they have no reason to do anything different.
We all can end up in this position without even notice.We let the things flow naturally for some period of time not realizing where we're heading over.In this article,Jane expressed everything in the best way that she possibly could.It all makes sense but it is just so hard to understand because most of us are not able walking away because we are scared to lose someone that acually even doesn't belong to us.
I've been there too and still I am.After my few broken long term relationship I started to see my co worker.Our friendship seemed to lead to relationship naturally and very slowly.Honestly until that timeI had no clue of fwb or booty calls.We had great chemistry,friendship,sex and it just seemed like we could meant to be together.Even there were no promises,no plans,no sweet talks it just looked like there will be something happening soon or later...
True is that it never happened.I dont know why or where mistake had happened.I will probably never find out but another true is we've been seeing each other over a year now.We still have that hudge spark and chemistry but we never had a date we never went out together or with our friends...We always see each other in my or his place.We do sleepovers,we have a drinks together,fun,talk we look like a couple but the true is we will never be.
We never promised anything serious ,we were always fair to each other.He always makes effort to see me or plan to see me due to his busy working life...But he never came to see me in a day time and that was the first sign I started to consider what's going on between us.Later I found out this actually look like kind of fwb or booty call??But I never had regular sex with my friend ever and I wouldnt!! Botty call?No way, we were in contact quite a lot,texting or calling during the day,at work we were pretty close to each other....But then month after month it was more clear to me that we are in Booty call!!! True it was all my decision,I could easily stop it at the very begining but I wasnt looking for anything serious so it was ok for me.But recently lets say right before Christmas I started to analyzing and mentaly deeply searching and asking myself what is going on.I realize I could be in love with him even I am able to keep my emotions and feelings under control.Well for certain time only.
I was trying to stop many time but we always ended up together on and on ...He gave me mixed signals many times but ladies think,are they really giving us mixed signals or is it just because we dont listen and dont want to see reality and make things how we want to see them??
Meanwhile we are trapped....I am trapped.I have a busy life with my little daughter.Yes,this could be the reason too why he never wanted to commit to me but honestly he gave me a mixed signals at the beggining of our "booty call" One time he looked like he wouldnt mind my daughter then he look scared...I did accepted it and carried on because I didnt look for anything serious...But there you go,hey Iam probalby part of booty call and now trying to convince myself to get out of it.Because lately he told me he really likes me and he really likes sex with me and if we ever stop this nothing bad will happen. I could be in love with him but I have my answer without asking it.And that's why I have to listen what was said.
It still may takes a few days or weeks but I know I will get myself back on the track. I feel Iam nearly there.And at the end there will be no regrets or drama . I believe this is the most important part to realize properly what we are going through .
Girls,listen,talk and act !!!!
Cara,
I admire how strong you are and I hope that one day I will find the strength to be as strong as you.:)
You will, Daisy. As you start listening to that little nudge inside you, as you start seeing the reality of what is instead of the fantasy of what you so want it to be, it becomes more clear, more real of who you are and what you need to do.
Everyone,
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. It is only because of Jane and the rest of you strong women out there that I finally feel like I can let go of him. It hurts and will probably hurt for a while longer but being with someone who doesn't care about me hurts more. I have decided to respect myself and walk away.
Again, Thank you all for your comments, you have no idea how much it is helping me!
Love,
I'm so glad you're seeing this beautiful outpouring of support for what you're going through, Cara. You're never alone in going through this. You're never the only one who feels the way you do. And somehow, knowing this, we become a little stronger - a little more sure of all that we are and all that we have to offer someone who is truly right for us - with the knowledge that someone, somewhere is right there, coming right along with us, too.
Is the desire to be with someone, "ANYONE", so great that a woman REFUSES to believe a person who TELLS you he doesn't want a relationship? Or is it that we plan to TRICK this person into changing their minds because the woman is such a GREAT person? WE cannot change anyone but OURSELVES. No Cara is not alone in this madness, and feeling bad or being ashamed is a waste of time. This is the time to start thinking about yourself and what YOU want out of life. Go on dates where there is nowhere to have sex. Many think they cannot live without sex, but if all it's accomplishing for you is an orgasm, it's not doing you any good. The idea is to have an accomplished relationship. Sex cannot do that for you. A man will have sex with you if you make yourself available. He won't love you, but he will have sex. Start listening to the conversation and paying attention to his actions. If YOU respect yourself, HE has to respect you or get lost. As far as FRIENDS are concerned, that word should be changed to SEXUAL TEMPTATION. You both see each other as a possible hook up, so why torture yourself like that. The bottom line is, only you can decide what you want out of life, and only you can do whatever is necessary to make that happen. You have more control than you think.
Jane you hit another home run!!! After three in a half years of giving, loving, caring, nurturing him and his kids....I became just a booty call. I refuse to be number 2 when I was number 1. Just this week I ended the chapter of this person. I cannot lie...it is hard...be DANG if I keep accepting crumbs when I can have the whole cake. Settle never again. My advice to all women, listen to what the man says. If he is not looking for a relationship believe him. We cannot change his mind only he can change his mind. I have backslide a few times....but today I am STRONG and I will want the BEST for me!!! I loved the potential and what was standing in front of me. Now I see what WAS standing in front of me and I said. I AM BETTER THAN THIS. BYE TRASH!! Hello SELF LOVE, HAPPINESS, JOY, PEACE. AND SELF WORTH!!!
Jane is the best she definitely covered everything. But yes I was in the exact same position you were half a year ago. I kept settling for the friends with benefits while caring about him so much hoping he would want me as a girlfriend. But when I first met him his exact lines were "I do not want to lead you on but I am not looking for a girlfriend, I just cannot do it." I should have believed him taken what he said and remained friends but I was stubborn. I became stuck. I showed him all my worth, when he did not earn it. Cara, it is going to be so hard trying to get him to see you in a different light. He is already used to you giving him everything. You have to stand firm for a really good while to prove your point. And you cannot feel bad because remember you are doing this for you. My guy and I have lnot seen each other for more than half a year but time to time he still texts me to chill but its a bootycall he still thinks I will give in at some point I still don’t. But it made me realize how he was so used to it he still sees me as someone who will give in to that nonsense even though I explain to him we cannot hang out because we are not on the same page. Just like me he refuses to listen. It is ridiculous but it will take a lot to change his views Cara. It’s not impossible but you have to be extremely consistent and stick to what you say. It took everything in me to drop it. I was used to him for three years. I was depressed and I had trouble moving on because I was trying to understand why he would.not want me as a girlfriend when he knew I had everything to offer. That was the thing I was not meant to understand I am not him Jane helped me come to conclusions he may never get there. It took everything in me to not give in and eventually I got used to not seeing him. Now I am way too proud of myself to give up my hardwork of moving on. He tells me he misses me but does not make any more effort than a text. Remember never settle for less than what you deserve.
Cara,
I know it is scary to let him go because you crave a partnership with this person. I have been there so many times that I now laugh at my lack of perspective throughout the years. Just because we want a partnership with this person and can see it's perfection in our mind, does not mean it exists or will ever exist. As women, we are very good at dating (or casually dating) based on the potential we see in someone. It's in our nature. That's why we can have all night therapy sessions with our friends and call just to check-in. We are caretakers and believe in the good in people. But......the older you get, you will realize that people don't change until they are ready to change. It doesn't matter how beautiful or smart or supportive or fun you are. Like Jane said, it's not about you, it's about them. And I have learned that the moment I start to stand up for what Erika (me, myself and I) wants, I grow stronger and feel a sense of peace that goes deep down into my soul. Cara, that is what this life is about, YOU. The more you do it, the easier it gets. And yes, we have relapses when we are weak but until your life is over, there is always more time to jump back on the bandwagon.
Do you!
Erika
That was really helpful Erika and I find myself doing the same thing I would hold onto the potential hoping I am right. In reality everyone and anyone can have potential it is about whose going to follow through on it.
I was seeing someone a while back it was nothing but a friends with benefits, we had a lot of fun but I didn't like the fact that he was lying to me and also he started seeing someone and wanted to be with me also, he even said he was, terrible I cut all communication with this guy and just moved on. I realized that I really don't need someone like him in my life and I got busy with myself . I don't do that booty call thing I am not that type.
I hope that you will get through this quickly, Cara and realize that he was not worth your tears.
i was in the same situation last year,this guy that i really like wanted to be with me over many years and last year when i came him the chance,he broke my heart. We had sex the very first time and a week later i saw him and he was telling me that he thinks we moving too fast and he's not over his ex,and its been like two years since they left and i ended up doing the friends with benefit thing one time,then i came back to my senses cause i know i deserve a whole alot better then i was getting so i told him....i'm not going to wait on you till you're ready for a commitment,and i left without looking back and thanks i didn't cause i met a wonderful guy and he's treating me real good.
Hi Sherena, sorry to hear that he broke your heart but so wonderful that you found someone that treats you good.
Jane
You hit that one for six runs (cricket) with the advice you gave Cara.
EVERY Woman should read your post and understand the meaning of self-worth.
PROFOUND Wisdom I want to remember the rest of my life. Thanks for including the point about
Not having dates only at your house or his house. My eyes are now open
To Cara kiss the user goodbye. It will hurt. I recently ended a type of friends with benefits
Relationship although. He said it wasn't. It hurt badly I cried for days. But his reaction showeded
I wasn't a priority anyway. Just convenient.
Cara go no contact, after a few weeks you willl look back and see how stressful that
Friends (user) with benefits relationship was. Yes pain and tears will come but afterwards
Emotional freedom. You will see how unknowingly you were planning your free time to accommodate
His schedule for sleepovers. Time to plan for you.
Take care thanks again Jane
Alia
Hi Cara! First off let me say, you are not alone. I have been in your situation before except he never told he didn't see me as his girlfriend he just kept telling me to be patient. However, I had to come to the conclusion that our relationship was not much more than physical. We didn't date much, he didn't spend holidays with me and most of the times I saw him was late at night. After a few months, I decided to walk away. I knew my worth and it was something I wasn't going to settle for no matter how good I felt when I was with him. I didn't want to let him go but I wasn't going to let my emotions overtake my reality and logic. Cara, you have to do the right thing EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO. I know exactly where you are and you will never win as long as fear is your guide. Do what's best for you, even if you have to do it afraid. I ended the relationship and so much strength came when I did. It was like I found my power again. I stopped all communication and moved on. Of course, I thought about him and missed him a little but the desire to want him in my life completely left. I prayed for God to help me get over him and He answered my prayer! I did my part and trusted God to do the rest. Please love yourself more and leave him. There's so much better waiting for you to choose it! Never settle for less when you can have the best!
Cara,
My heart goes out to you because, I have been in the very same situation... I also wrote in to Jane - read my story under 'Am I being stupid'. I am now facing the biggest heartbreak of my life because I was willing to settle for the scraps that this guy was throwing at me and it is not worth it. I am learning and have learnt that if a man cannot offer me EVERYTHING i am deserving of, then he does not get parts of me. This guy has made it clear to you that he does not wish to date you and yes, a man will stay when sex is on the table. We women are not wired to be used and not have our emotions get involved.... please do yourself a favor and let this one go. I am not saying this from someone who has not been there, I have been and I still am busy dealing with the hurt, shame and self esteem damage that this situation did to me. Know your worth, know your value and DO NOT settle for someone who cannot see that in you. He may be a great guy, his affection may be great, his words may be sweet but the overall package he is willing to offer you...is far less than any woman is deserving of! Take the first step and let go.... if you want to remain friends with him, that is your choice and you need to learn what you can and cannot accept in a friendship. It will not be easy, it will be hard and you will feel shattered for a while but, one day you will realize you did the best thing for yourself.... you let go and you loved yourself enough to say I do not deserve this! If you want to chat more, I would happily be willing to give you my contact info.... you are strong, your are a diamond... do not settle for a man who cannot treat you like a rare jewel!
Layla,
Thanks for the offer to contact you to continue talking as we both have a similar experience. I would gladly accept your info and talk... Sometimes it's hard to talk to people who were never in this situation.
Well said Layla. I was seeing a guy who I haven't seen in over 32 years. When we ran into each other in 2010 were surprised to see each other. He asked me for my phone number and he starting calling me. I didn't start dating him until 2013. We were texting each other from 2010 until 2013 when I decided to see him. My biggest mistake was I started sleeping with him for the first 3 months. I noticed he doesn't keep his word when he say he will call me. I lived 56 miles from NJ to NY to see him and I was always coming to NY to see him and yet he never came to visit me to NJ hang out with me for one day. The phone calls stop after March, 2014. Then I heard from him in July, 2014. That was the last time I seen him when I drove him to the airport that morning of July, 2014 and he never called me when he said he would do. I noticed I was just a booty call to him. So I decided to never call and received any text messages from him again. I just ignored them. Yes, it hard to move on but I am getting better each day. I am worth more and better than this. I loved your feedback Ms. Layla. God bless you.
I can easily relate to this story but on Tue this guy I was seeing he gave me a FB msg saying that he wants to end the friendship because it wasn't going anywhere as far as he could see, I knew I had plans n would reply & he did my friend a favour who set me n him up in the 1st place & that he wasn't making any promises to her. he also said if he liked domeo (brown rabbit) he would spend a day or 2 with them a week 6 months but he was ignoring meeting me n he thought chatting would be the go. what upsets me is that he doesn't see a future with me or friends in his life and says he's wasted his time on me & he said to me that might be upset and he told me not to be upset bcoz nothing happened at all with me n him. I only saw him 2x in Sep last year n nothing else. he's blocked my messages & number on his phone which I wasn't expecting. I feel like I was a friend to him. he told me not to hassle him on FB but if I had then he would ignore me n not reply & told me to move on. I was so sad n upset he ended the friendship. idk if I wasted my time on him. I really like this guy n there was nothing I disliked about him. I hoped to become his best friend n planned on being 1. I left him alone n planning on leave him alone for 6 months - 2 years. is that too long to leave him alone. I keep dreaming of fantasies of me n him 2gether. this situation is in the back of my mind n will always remember him. he hasn't accepted my friend request but gave me a huge FB msg. should I keep waiting for him for 6 months - 2 years? I would like him to come back to me as friend or a Best Friend. i had 40 things in common with this man. i bought me so much tears. i would txt him 4x a day n wait for him to reply. some ppl say to forget about him but i can't, my rents say i pushed him away but i can't. idk if i pushed him away? Should i wait for him for 6 months - 2 years for him to come back to me as a friend. i remember his birthday & i thought i wonder if he still remembers mine. i planned on having him as a Bestie if a r-ship didn't work. i wasn't expecting him to end the friendship thinking it would last forever. when i was with him it felt like he was the right guy for me n found him very comforting, when i was sad he made me happy by comforting me saying 'it's ok" IDK what to do anymore?
Hi Layla. I'm going through the same situation you were when you posted your story on this website. And I am very confused, I don't wanna lose him but I don't wanna be his booty call, I like him a lot and I'm always there for him. I always promised I won't walk away the same way many people have walked away from him
Before, somehow show him there are still good people around and that I'm an unconditional friend...and I dot know I I have the strength to move on. He is unique and we get along very well, we are friends and I don't wanna lose that. But I don't wanna be just his f*** buddy, I want something more. And I just don't know what to do.
I'd appreciate any advise you can give me
Mary
The story that Cara has told is exactly what is happening to me, but my friend ended up not wanting the benefits because he 'respected me' too much!! I always avoided speaking my mind, knowing that it woudl end things and he has been such an important part of my life at a very difficult time. However, he did something that made me angry and I knew I had to eb true to myself, even though it would break my heart and make me feel as though my world had come to an end. Today, I am struggling at work, but my friends are great and I know I will cry some more, but will get on with my life, this time without waiting for his messages, or waiting to see if something I've said has upset him. I don't regret meeting him. I regret how it ended, but know there was no other way. he does not want a relationship or anything else, so it's my job to accept that as I can't settle for just being on the receiving end of sweet messages and nothing else!