One of our dear friends, Annie, is wondering why her guy has stopped texting every day, and she's wondering if she's being irrational. Read on for the rest of her story.
Her letter:
Dear Jane,
I stumbled across your website and I loved it! Thank you so much for giving such awesome advices. I actually followed to one of your advices to "confront" the guy and he told me that he really likes me and he wants to make it work so he's willing to try. But well now I'm a bit unsure of what's going on so I hope that maybe you could help me out? Anyway here goes my story...
I met him about 10 years ago in high school but we didn't really know each other that well.
According to him we talked a few times but I honestly didn't remember. I used to have this huge crush on him and we were both really shy so the thoughts of us becoming friends never really crossed my mind. He has this amazing smile that could brighten up the whole room and I remember thinking that he was so good looking.
My crush didn't really last long. After high school we didn't really keep in touch, I went to college that was only 30 mins away from home. He went into the army.
I was browsing on facebook one night and saw that he had posted his address in Afghanistan so I sent him a card just to support him. I thought nothing of it and I actually had forgotten about it.
About a year ago we started to talk on facebook more because I went back to school for nursing and he became an EMT and he wanted to go to school to become a paramedic.
We became somewhat friends because I would tell him about my experiences as a nursing student and as a nurse's aid on the floor. He would tell me stories about his job as an EMT.
I was complaining about my bad luck with dating and he keeps making these comments about how pretty I am and that he's having palpitations just thinking about me... But he never really asks me out. And he keeps saying how better guys will come along and I will find a good one some days...
I got somewhat irritate so I asked him that throughout our conversations I sense that he's interested in getting to know me. So I asked if I was sensing this correctly and he said "I guess I'm clear as mud". We decided that we will meet in real life for the 1st time in 8 years.
I didn't realize that we both got invited to one of our mutual friends' housewarming party a day before our meeting. So we ended up meeting before our scheduled time.
I honestly didn't expect to like him more than a friend in that initial meeting. It was such a weird feeling you know?
We decided that we're taking it slow because we both are in school and life's just really hectic right now. I don't mind going slow, I actually prefer going slow because I made so many mistakes because I was rushing before that this feels fine. This was about 5 weeks ago that we started seeing each other... He usually either text or fb message me everyday.
Last week all of a sudden he didn't text or message me for 4 days. I was trying to be patient with him but really we all know that we can't be separate from our phones and how long does it really take to just send someone a message? I had not heard from him since fri so on Tues I texted him asking if he was still interested in getting to know me and he said he was. He's just busy and can't really invest the time but he's willing to try to make it work.
So I asked him to text me once a day. It doesn't have to be a lot but just a text everyday.
He's been doing that until today (so it lasted 5 days). I fb messaged him this morning and then I texted him again tonight asking how he's doing (he has a bad cold that lasted for several days) but he didn't reply to both. I know he's online on fb but he didn't read my message.
It makes me question his actions and his words... I know it's only a day but it's not hard to reply back to somebody especially when they care about you right? I mean I haven't initiated any texts since last Tues because I think if he wants to make it work he would message me.
I tried to reply him when I can, I'm busy with school and work too... So here's what i'm thinking of doing... I know that's he's busy but if he is interested in getting to know me he would have text. I'm planning to give him 2 weeks and if he hasn't communicate with me by then I will just forget about him.
I already gave him a chance, and I don't think I can be any clearer with my "demand", right? I know it's only a day and I'm already freaking out... But I'm not sure of what's going on and I'm confused...
I'm sorry if I'm being too wordy, I just want to tell you the whole story so that you know what's going on. What's your take on this?
Is my solution sounds reasonable or am I being irrational?
Thanks Jane!
My response:
Dear Annie,
Thanks for your kind words; I'm glad you've found my website and this is all resonating with you!
I don't ever believe anyone is too busy to contact you in a two-week time period if they're truly interested in getting to know you better, so you'll know more in that space and time.
You're not being irrational; you're doing what you need to do for your own peace of mind! If the two of you are both on the same page and want the same thing with each other (read: if you're truly compatible) then this won't be so complicated and you won't have to ask him to contact you.
It's hard to say what's going on with him, but he may just want to take things slow, in which case, if you decide you still want to get to know him better, you can focus on your own life and treat him as simply someone in the background who you really don't even know well enough to know if he's even worth getting to know.
It's often so hard for us to do this in reality, though, so if forgetting about him completely is easier than taking this other stance, then listen to your gut instincts and decide for yourself what you want to do.
Most of all, remember that there are no right or wrongs here, no rules, my beautiful friend.
If someone wants to be with you, they will always find a way to do just that. But it's in the space that you give them that you find out more about where they stand by what they do with that space. You're always the one in control of your own life, Annie. If this isn't working for you, it's always your decision to choose where you want to go from here.
Hope this helps with an outside perspective, Annie. Remember that you don't have to decide anything if you're still "freaking out". Wait until your sense of peace and calm comes in and move towards whatever that looks like; that's what this is all about.
You.
Your sense of being at peace with yourself and your decisions. And doing whatever it is you need to do to live with the least amount of regrets. You can always change your mind or choose something different.
Let me know if there's anything more I can offer you, I'm always here for you!
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Is it irrational for Annie to expect him to contact her every day? Tell us your thoughts in the comments!
Caroline thank you for sharing your story. It solidifies what I said about leaving alone a person who causes "stress" early in a relation ship. The answer is to leave these men alone. But you express how hard it is to actually do that when your feelings are leading you instead of your head. Only you will decide how long you will continue to torture yourself emotionally. I feel bad. No one can help you take back your power, You have to do that for yourself.
This is almost like my story...mine lasted for about 2 years. When we first met he was finalizing his divorce (married for 10+ years with 2 young children). He wanted to take things slow and I accepted that because I thought he was worth the wait. During the entire 2 years, it was a roller coaster ride...more downs than ups. During the good times, he would call everyday and see each other once a week. All the other times, he was either running away looking for alone time and space (even though we see each other on average once a month) or just not responding to me at all. This is the same person who said he was in love with me, wanted to share everything with me, wanted to be with me only and constantly telling me he loves me. I've tried forgetting him and ending things many times, but he would always come back to ruin it for me. I know it's my fault for allowing him to do this, breaking my heart over and over again. I didn't think I have any more tears left to cry or heart aches to experience, but it still hurts every single time.
I just don't know how to permanently feel good and not think about him. I go through a lot of ups and downs with that. I have a great career, the most supportive friends and family, but can't seem to get pass this. I've tried dating but I can't get into it or find anyone that I'm interested in. I only want him, someone who I cannot have. This is just so hard...
Jackie, are you suggesting this lady continue to attempt to contact this man because she is "just noticing something is off"?
No, if someone likes you they will be in touch. With friends its a bit different but with romance, either they are 100% in or they aren't. You are not being irrational. You are just noticing that something is off.
This is a fairly new relationship and there is already "stress". I'm sorry, but you cannot force or demand anyone to be in a relationship with you. If you are already uncomfortable, leave it alone. When people are interested in each other communication between them comes naturally. Take some time and do some of the things you would like to do ALONE. Calm down and you may run into someone who is truly interested in you. Sometimes when we constantly ask people how they feel about us, it makes them uncomfortable. And when we constantly shower them with how we feel about them, they feel bad because they don't feel the same (but won't dare tell you). You don't want a guy coming around because he feels sorry for you. You want a healthy relationship, one that is good for everyone involved.
"And when we constantly shower them with how we feel about them, they feel bad because they don't feel the same (but won't dare tell you)." So true, Carolyn, thanks for adding your insight here. This is exactly what happens to so many of us!
Hi Jane
I agree with what Helen says.One guy might text all the time though not being 100% serious just to draw you in. Another guy might not text so often. A girl needs to give it time to see whether a guys actions coincide with his words. There is no other way of knowing. And then please dont put all your eggs inside one basket. Date other guys, and live your life. Then if for some reason it doesnt work out you wont be crushed.
"And then please don't put all your eggs inside one basket. Date other guys, and live your life." - So true, Ann; we learn this the hard way when we don't do this and then we come to see why it matters so much.
Annie, I don't think what you are asking of him is unreasonable. If he cannot spend a minute a day texting a hello message to you, I would try to forget about him. Although I know this is easier said than done. But my main concern here is you. I want you to feel good about yourself and a man who cares about you will want you to feel good about yourself, too. If he doesnw't text or phone you once a day, he isn't on the same page as you, and he is not looking to be in a relationship with you. So I would say: wait for two weeks and just sit back and see what he does. If he falls short and doesn't do the simple thing you asked of him, then please try to forget about him, and then start looking for someone who WILL want to text you and be with you all the time! best of luck,
Adrienne
Beautifully put, Adrienne; thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's always about being on the same page no matter how wonderful everything else may be!
I feel as though because you were hearing from him daily and now you're not, your gut is telling you that something is off. And because it seems like it is a great start to a great thing so far, you don't want to lose that and go back into the dating jungle, I know.But you can't and won't keep the momentum with him by asking him to continue or demanding him to. I understand what you're doing though, hearing from him daily means to you that he's still into you. So, he may have decided to man cave and collect his thoughts for a bit- men do that... Or, he may be dating someone else or he may be unwell and gets sooky when sick and cannot contact anyone. I think the surest way to dissolve this connection is to pressure it. The reason is, he is attracted to you being you and this worried person feels a little unsettled right? In saying that, give him that 2 weeks you mentioned and if you don't hear from him or you do but it doesn't feel right, be 100% you and tell him how it made you feel- getting to know you and suddenly not hearing from you has made me feel confused and a little sad. I don't expect to feel this way when getting to know someone. Is there something I should know? Give him the chance to explain, for you... Then, decide. You'll truly know based on his answer or his non answer. And don't worry, you seem great- we trial our drafts before we get to our masterpiece! 🙂
You've summed this up so beautifully, Sharyn; thank you. And I love this - "...we trial our drafts before we get to our masterpiece!"
Hi Annie,
I totally agree with what Amy says.
Apart from this: we're so often told and shown in movies etc. how things "have to be" and then the expectations around things like texting get a bit over-mighty. Friends ask all of the time "Has he called?" and one can get easily in a frenzy and trapped in this, even though it is not necessary. If he likes you (enough, because surely he does like you), he will know how to get in touch. If the compatibility is not there, then there will be someone better for you. Listen to your feelings and what your heart tells you. One guy might text all of time despite not being 100% serious, knowing that many girls expect that, while another might just not so much into texting and talking on the phone. By other actions and behavior you'll see and know the difference.
Dear Annie,
A way to get through this is (as Jane always said) live your own life, believe in yourself and keep reminding yourself that you are the 'Price'. Someone capable to see your true self will know what to do and will do it in order to keep you in his life, and through his actions you decide if he is worth to have you. Those who don't see your beauty either are not up to your standard, or they have too many problems of their own so why waste your time and energy on them. Jane said it so right in that real love doesn't have to be so complicated.
good luck.
Beautifully said, Amy; thanks for adding so much to the conversation!
If someone is really interested in you then they will msg u not only once but a couple of times a day. Don't fall for second best. U shouldn't have to worry so much about what's going on and where this is going ESP now already.
Thanks for adding this, Nadia; it's so true that our love relationships should be the last places where we need to spend our time worrying about what's really going on.