I started thinking about how differently I would have lived much of my life as a single person if I knew then what I know now about what it’s really like to be loved and in a committed relationship with the love of my life.
I thought of all of you, and I wanted to come up with some way to convey this feeling to you, where you’re at right now.
I want you to have a certain kind of vision, one that all too few of us have when we most need it. I want you to see now, before you go through any more heartbreak, before you write any more stories of your life that aren't the ones you deserve to be telling yourself.
Because the thing is, we all get so caught up in believing this is all about the search for that guy, that special man who will complete us, who will make everything better in our lives.
And believing this, we spend the better part of our lives doing anything but living it the way we would be living if we understood this enough to know the difference between looking for the love of our lives, and looking for the love we’re longing for.
Instead we spend more time waiting, hoping, wishing than we do living. We believe it’s all about love, but the way we allow ourselves to be treated and even the way we treat ourselves is anything but loving.
We give our hearts and souls away too soon.
We give away our bodies before we have any idea what we’re really giving away.
We think this is what you do, that this is how you find love. We think it’s just about doing it often enough until someone finally chooses us and gives us that commitment we've been waiting for.
What we don’t realize is how much damage we end up doing to ourselves, to our confidence, to our self-esteem in the process when we make this about being beautiful enough, or sexy enough, or intelligent enough, or good enough in whatever way we feel it’s about. When we forget that we already are enough.
You see, I get it. This drive, this need to be loved, to find that love of your life who will love you back and fill you with all your heart’s desire.
I get it!
Because that’s exactly what I thought this was all about, too, back in my early dating life.
But what I finally discovered was that it’s not enough to have the surface things of a boyfriend, or a fiancé or a husband. A boyfriend, fiancé or husband is not enough to fill that void inside you.
But that’s exactly what you believe it is when you don’t have it. Which makes this search and this journey so difficult for you to go through.
You see, when I was single, and waiting, and wishing and longing and trying to prove my worth and my value to all the wrong men who I thought were the right ones at the time, I didn't understand any of this either.
I too thought it was all about that elusive missing piece - some him that would fill me up.
And that’s because that’s what we’re programmed to believe. That we need someone to complete us. We need someone for that social status. We need someone so we can stop that awful question of “Why are you still single?!!”
Stop already!
So stop right there, my beautiful friend. Before you say one more “but I can’t let go” or “but I might not find anyone else” or “I don’t want to be alone anymore” or “I’m afraid I’ll never find anyone” or “I’m afraid I’m too old” or whatever other reason you’ve made into your own story of why you don’t deserve the love that you absolutely do.
You want it so bad, it brings you to tears, to anger, to so many different emotions because you don’t have it. But what happens when you have it? What will happen then? Will you then become the confident, joyful, passionate woman that you know you can be?
Why? What does he have, what does he bring into the relationship that is so powerful that it can suddenly transform you in this way?
That's right. Nothing.
There is nothing that any other person can bring to you that will suddenly transform you like this.
What you don’t realize that I want you to understand is that this missing piece isn't about any man!
It’s about you.
It’s time to change that kind of dialogue that’s been going on far too long inside that beautiful head of yours.
It’s time to take that vision of how you think you’re going to be one day down the road after you've found that love of your life, and insert it into your life right now.
The future you who’s found that love of her life.
The future you who knows how loved she is for exactly who she is.
The future you that doesn’t ever need to prove anything to anyone.
The future you that knows what she’s worth and the prize she truly is.
The future you who knows her boundaries and doesn't hesitate to set her limits to ensure she’s treated the way she deserves to be treated by every single person she comes into contact with.
Because she gets that she’s worth nothing less than that! She gets that, my beautiful friend.
The future you gets all this!
But here's the amazing thing. This future you is you. It's all already there, right there, inside of you. Take the vision. Make that confidence yours now. You don’t have to wait for it. You don’t have to wait for him. Make it your reality today.
Write it out.
You’re with that special man who’s right for you. He loves you. Adores you. How does that make you feel?
Write it out.
How do feel knowing you’re loved like that? What types of things do you do? Where do you go? What does your life look like? What do you look like? How do you carry yourself? How do you hold yourself? What kind of energy do you emulate? How do you dress? How do you treat yourself? What things do you say and think to yourself? What does it feel like knowing you go home everyday to the man of your dreams who can’t wait to be with you? What kind of places do you go to? What kind of hobbies and interests and passions do you engage in now that you have so much more time and energy to spend on something other than “the search?” How do you live?
Write it all out. Envision it. Feel it.
Then be it.
You take it from here, my beautiful worthy friend. Write this new story of your life and then start living it today.
Hi Jane, I'm not native English speaker so sorry if there are spelling mistakes.. 🙂 . Just found your website few days ago. Really eye opening material here! I'm just really in the first steps of all this. Typical story, I dated an emotionally unavailable man, again, but I wanted to believe so hard that he is the one, that I totally ignored all the clues, which appeared almost immediately after we had met, and I felt so bad during the time we dated, like all the time, it's crazy how we allow to treat ourselves. It felt bad of course also when it ended, all the self hatred, I'm terrible, I should have done this and that... but slowly I'm starting to realize that it really wasn't my fault and there is nothing wrong with me! Like you tell in the first video.
Now I read this blog and actually what I wanted to say is that it was really eye opening that when I was writing down all that stuff how I would feel, be, do etc. when I'm with the mr. right. First I was thinking it like that, when I'm with the one, but after I continued writing I realized I was thinking it more in a way that what kind of life I want to live, to do, to be happy, to enjoy life and the journey we are making here, is there a man or not by my side.
I really lack in self confidence with men, especially when I have been dating someone for a while, after I start to develop feelings towards the man I'm dating, I feel like I'm not good/pretty enough, I think I'm lucky if this man would love me, and I have always been thinking that if I would find my true love I would be hole, that I NEED a man to change my life, that I would be happier. But only I can change my life.
I think my eyes are starting to open here, I'm so glad I found this site! Long way to go, but now it has started!
Indeed you are amazing and inspiring! Today you taught me something so cool with this post! "Envision it, feel it, then be it" that resonates with me so much. Because past few months feeling single and alone has reflected on me. Meaning, I lived everyday not taking care of myself, not dressing up and dolling myself as I used to when I was in the relationship, being messy at home, etc. but when I think of all the questions you ask here, I certainly would act the opposite! And so with this great eye opener, I can start to live and treat myself like I would if the man of my dreams were present. My highlight and gratitude for the evening! (And a makeup shop date with my best friend this evening) 🙂 thanks for allowing us to share and being a good friend to us all with your caring and nurturing words <3
I'm thrilled that this is resonating with you, Darlene! You're so very welcome. Post those words somewhere where you can read them every morning when you first begin your day, and before you go to sleep at night. They're so much more than words when they provide you with the inspiration that's so personal to you right where you are right now. That's exactly it; who you are now! There's so much more on this to come in the rest of the course. 🙂
Jane, you are awesome. Your blog is amazing and I so appreciate it. You really do know exactly how it feels, and you really do hit the nail on the head every single time you write about something. I so appreciate it. Every time I'm feeling a bit down, or defeated, I come here and I always feel SO understood, at peace and motivated to live my life, with or without that special someone.
Thank you, you don't know how much your words help,
A
Thank you for your beautiful, kind words, A. I'm so glad this is all resonating with you and you're finding what your heart and soul need here to be confident in your beautiful, true self that you are!
Confidence seems like this mystical thing to achieve but it really isn't. It is different from vanity and ego or pride. Rather it is a genuine self-worth that a person gets about himself without putting others down. Confidence is a must not a luxury because it is an immunity against allowing the bad and optional into one's life.
Love how you put this, Jackie; it's so true!
Jane, you did a great job! Ladies read this again so you can absorb all it is saying. All of it is so very true.
Thank you, Carolyn; I'm glad this came through with the clarity I was hoping for. It's often those things that I'm the most passionate about putting out there that are often the most difficult to put into words!
This article is really what I need right now. I had just been dumped I can pretty much assume I have because I have not talked to him since October 21. I had felt distance from him for awhile, but placed it on insecurity. I did everything for this man from taking him to work because he did not have a DL's, from helping him to get his medication all because I thought he was being treated unfair in life and he just needed a chance, it didn't even have a job when we first meet. I try not to look down on anyone for their circumstances, but even has the relationship went on through me losing our baby, through the three baby mama's and the fact that I felt like he was not there when I need through the lost of my baby I still keep making excuses. I just want to be whole and happy and this article has help me have a different outlook on how to be that way. Thanks!
We all live and learn, Sophia; we do so much for so many others before we even think to do the same for our own beautiful selves. You're not alone. I'm so glad this article has helped you to see that a different way of seeing - and a different way of being! - is possible for each and every one of us!
Thank you, Jane
Very nice article, it is inspiring.
Yes , if you do not focus on searching and being almost obsesive about love.
You have all this space and time, it feels very lovely.
You think up activities that you can do or hobbies that you can learn. I
You indeed start to look at yourself and your own life.
This can be not that easy always, but it feels good.
It took me a while to feel ok with myself, I am still doing that part.
The other day I was thinking. I miss sometimes the feeling of "the hunt" . It
Was funny and strange 🙂
This article helps.
I'm so glad this inspired you, Maris. Go easy on yourself, my beautiful friend; just getting to the point where you feel ok with yourself is huge! 🙂
Jane
This was so needed today. I losted myself 3 years ago by loving a man that did not deserve it. It depleted me. I am on a journey to loving myself again. Thank for the confirmation that I am on the right track!
I so hear you, BRD; I'm glad the timing of this one worked for you! And yes yes yes, my beautiful friend, you are absolutely on the right track!
I used to suffer from feelings of worthlessness, until i learned to talk to myself lovingly as i would to a friend. Now i regularly self talk and validate my own feelings and thoughts. Also learning to have boundaries and loving myself enough to say no sometimes has really worked for me. Youre so right Jane that we spend so much time thinking of the destination, that we forget to enjoy the journey. Love happens when you least expect it to, and even if it doesnt, at least youve had fun.
So true, Ann. And I love how you put this, Ann - "...until I learned to talk to myself lovingly as I would to a friend". We miss this simple but life-changing step far too often.
Dear Jane,
I appreciate this comment so much. Recovering from being used but never again. I am 46 and he was 59. I thought he was sincere, but he was really a creep...(really). I allowed myself to be 2nd in thought and that
is the mistake most of us make. We are daughters of God and we are enough. Thank you for all that you
say, and I hope we can all vision the beauty and strength each of us already has.
Sonya
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Sonya. I here what you've been through, my beautiful friend. Know that you're so not alone in believing in someone, in believing in that beautiful soft, loving, giving way that comes so naturally to so many of us. We love. We learn. Not to stop believing, but to hold that ability to do so with someone who is truly worthy of what we're offering them. You are so right; we are always enough - no matter what anyone else thinks or does - just because you are YOU!