I know we all have our reasons.
We all have our deeply ingrained stories about our lives and our loves that we've been programmed with since before we could even talk.
Stories we've been told, and have been re-telling ourselves for so long that they’re now simply a part of our subconscious belief system.
Embedded in our psyches.
And these stories keep us stuck.
It's what keeps us attracting men who are below that level. It's what keeps us attracted to men below that level.
It's what keeps us thinking things like "He's out of my league" and "I'm not good enough for a guy like him." All because we don’t believe we’re worth more than this.
So when we’re out and about, who is it we find ourselves attracted to? We don’t even notice the ones who would never dream of treating us the way we’re allowing ourselves to be treated. We don’t even see him among the crowd and we never give him the opportunity to see us because we’re operating at that level of belief that we are only worth so much.
And nothing more.
It’s so ingrained, it’s so much a part of us, that right now you're most likely thinking that I'm talking about you. Well, you're right.
Because I am.
It's exactly you that I'm talking about.
It’s exactly you that I’m trying to reach, to show you that there is no one else more deserving of everything you’re looking for.
But not just you. I'm talking about all of us.
I can’t do this for you. You have to believe it. You have to believe me.
You have to be open to see that this isn't about love only being for the select few. Those who were born a certain way, or look a certain way, or carry themselves a certain way.
It’s for everyone.
It’s time to stop believing the lies you've been told – the ones our well intentioned family and friends tell us because they don't want us to get our hearts broken, so they unintentionally break it for us before any guy even gets the chance.
It's the lies our culture drills into us by the images of exactly who they want us to believe love is for. It’s no accident that everyone you see in the media has that look, that style, that persona. They all seem to have something we don't.
It reinforces what we hear from everyone around us who’s bought into this too and settled for without question.
I walked down the aisle on my wedding day to The Rose by Bette Midler, because there a line in that song that so accurately summed up my beliefs about love throughout most of my single life, beliefs that I didn’t even know I had held. The line was … And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong …
For so long I had that deep seated belief that love was not for me, that it was only for those lucky others, those women who were stronger than me, smarter than me, more beautiful than me. Better than me.
It wasn't until I was finally able to break free of that belief that I found the kind of love I was looking for.
I'm here to tell you right now, my beautiful friend, that love is for everyone. Yes, including you.
Especially you.
It's for all of us, and there's plenty to go around. You just need to accept it.
Throw open the doors to your heart on this one and let what love really has to say embrace you and melt away that hardened place of your heart that refuses to believe it can be any different than what it’s been for you. That you have to settle for this because this is the best you can expect.
Because none of what you believe about this is true. You will find the kind of love you want.
Believe me.
Remember a time that you were around attractive and interesting men wondering if that ONE GUY might be here? You find him and now wonder when will he approach you. In the meantime, men that don't interest you are a distraction and keeping you from that ONE GUY wherever he may be. You find several guys that peak your interest. Finally, you whittle it down to that ONE GUY you like but he seems to be interested in ANOTHER GIRL. He's spends more time with her and at some point you have to say, “What about me?”
I've spent years watching singles in small groups and large groups. In bars, nightclubs, churches and other social gatherings with some being for just a few hours to once a week and for a week vacation! It's kind of a job so to say. Some of my acquaintances actually get paid by writing books, holding seminars and taking men to places to watch and learn what is going on. I'm going to tell you what I observe about YOU and how you handle the “What about me?”.
I will jump to my findings with a crude summary.
If the ONE GUY doesn't show a hint of interest beyond eye contact, you rationalize all the reasons and write them off. You also write off everything Jane has been saying. Here are some attitudes I've noticed:
* So long as he looked at me or approached me, I can't be hideous.
* I distracted him from other girls that are prettier than me so my work here is done.
* He's too confident and secure with himself. Must be serious problem.
* He has awesome qualities so he's probably better off with a more attractive girl.
* He's been single for a long time so must be afraid of commitment.
* A guy like that should have been married along time ago so he's the problem.
* Guys like that know they can get any girl so he's just a player.
Actually, that ONE GUY is waiting for YOU to demonstrate your worth and value because that's what he really wants. Even if he did show more of an interest, it will fade when he realizes it's not there because you've been too busy with the wrong guy in the wrong relationship or seeking the wrong ones. In fact, this scenario assumes you are out as a 'single' person as you should be but instead taken by compromise or you still pursue compromise because you FEEL COMFORTABLE and don't have to do any work.
There are OTHER MEN that observe this unconsciously and abuse this! That's another topic I could say a lot about for another time.
Cheers
This is brilliant! I have a male friend who is the spitting image of Michael Fassbender except younger and he thinks like this. In fact, he seems like a player but is the most sensitive man in reality. How you described it, is how he picks his women.
That is good Jackie. He chooses wisely. It is my secret exposed and why I don't post my picture. Go through the articles here and look for my comments regarding BAD BOY attraction and what it really means. I think you might like that too.
Bad boys are bad news. If a woman wants excitement she should take up an extreme sport. I've seen way too many women have their lives wrecked by a bad boy that they were hooked on like a drug. No thanks. Bad boys stay away from me. I think I give off too much intelligence and they know I can't be manipulated.
Thanks Jane, I listened to ' The Rose' after what seemed like ages. I had forgotten how beautiful the lyrics were. Thank you also for the encouragement and words of comfort. I felt really emotional when I heard the song and then read your post. There was a time I believed that love was the most important thing in the world, now after burning my hand a couple of times I am cautious. I have however come to a comfortable place where being in a relationship is not as important to me as it once was. I just dont want to go through any crap anymore, and i would rather be alone than be in a bad relationship. Thanks anyway for the inspiring post.
Glad you enjoyed this, Ann. I hear exactly what you're saying; when you've been through what you have, you come to the place where you truly see the difference between being alone and being lonely - and you have no reason to settle for anything less again!
Beautiful, Jane. "The Rose" is a pivotal song in the Hoffman Process, a personal-growth retreat I did a few years ago while recovering from a breakup. Thanks for sharing your wisdom...and inspiration!
So glad this resonated with you, Jess. I'm not surprised that's it's a pivotal song in a healing process; just listening to the lyrics again reminded me of why it was the one I chose to celebrate finding the love that healed my own life. Thank you, my beautiful friend.
I love the Hoffman Process. Actually a few people recommended to do it before finding a mate and I get why they said that. This song was played at my Hoffman Process.
Personally I am tired of all the dating coaches you promote this belief and transformation agenda. Like self-help, too much of it can be counter productive. If anything it can wreck your confidence and give you all the more reasons as to why not you. Where I am at in my journey is that I'm more interested in getting to the root of the problem. If someone doesn't believe they are worthy, often it stems from harsh experiences in childhood, which led to deeply ingrained thoughts. As crazy as it sounds they can't change them into the positive even if its what they want. However, all is not lost. EMDR is one fast and effective way of dealing with the root cause of not being able to receive something good into one's life.
So glad you've found something that works for you, Jackie. That's what it's all about; finding what resonates for each one of us, one step, one day at a time.
It's different for everyone. What it came down to was a feeling like following all the online and offline dating advice was turning me into a man chaser. That was the last thing I wanted to be. Most dating coaches mean well but often by staying single it's a case of them making more money. In the end, there comes a time when it becomes mental gymnastics more than breakthroughs in internal mindsets so you let love in.
I'm convinced that all the dating coaching, not the healing work like EMDR or Imago therapy, are one big mind melt Like reading the manual for driving a Mercedes. But you don't really master the art of a Mercedes in motion without dirving the Mercedes itself.
The rubber hits the road when you actually get behind the wheel, and drive the car, and practice till you are a pro.
Metaphor: Dating coaches are the manual. They are trying to keep you single for their money making.
Healing work like EMDR and Imago therapy: A great mechanic
Driving the Mercedes: Where real results happen. Meeting people in real life. Not chasing them. Just meeting people in the course of pursuing what you want to do. For me, it's horseback riding. Whether or not I meet someone horseback riding, I'll be glad I went out on the trail.
Jackie,
There will always be single people for dating coaches to make money from. Staying single is what allows someone to see what's going on when a problem is trying to be determined or solved.
You are definitely correct on the mental gymnastics getting away with letting love in. There's a time to just "Be." rather than analyzing it through some dating coach's book or suggestion.
In fact, did you read what I wrote in 'Drop The Rules' ?...In the last half I state that eventually YOU shouldn't need a book or a coach or rules...they become YOU.
You probably are at a stage where reading anything else is just to reaffirm what you already know and that can be damaging and pointless after awhile. I know people that get so addicted to 'affirmation' it is a destructive form of mental gymnastics.
Hi,
Yes. Part of my response is based on Drop The Rules. Eventually the dating coaching and love advice begins to feel like one is repeating a grade over and over again. Getting to the stage of just being is just as critical as examining what may be in the way of letting love in. Funny, a love coach in Australia named Renee Wade said that women who complement men will cause the men to lose respect for her because they feel emasculated. So I asked several men I knew who were straight, single, and good-looking/socially popular athletic types. All of them vehemently disagreed with Renee Wade and called her method idiotic. They also said that they love the complements and that none of their relationships followed the Rules. So yeah, done with the mental gymnastics.