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You are here: Home / 2013 / Archives for August 2013

Archives for August 2013

A Lesson About Commitment from REO Speedwagon

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A man plays acoustic guitar while singing about commitment to his girlfriend who wants a commitment.I was in a store the other day when a song came on that took me right back in time to my early single days of the late eighties.

It was my song, the song that made my heart flutter, the one that I just knew was being sung by the guy who was out there looking for me, waiting for me.

And of course I was love-struck by this song. It's a song that we all want to hear the man in our life sing to us, professing his love and his inability to do anything but commit to us utterly and completely. It's a song of romance, love, and commitment.

We want to believe that we mean everything to him, we want to know that he realizes he just can't bear to be without us. Yes, he's afraid (as all men are), but we make him feel so secure, and give him such clarity and direction in his life, that he knows there's no reason to be afraid - so the lyrics tell us.

So he does the only thing he possibly can do, given the strength of his feelings – he gives himself completely to us, to the relationship, bringing his ship into the shore and throwing away the oars forever.

The song I'm referring to is I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore by REO Speedwagon, circa 1985. In case you don't know it, here it is complete with the enchanting lyrics:

The problem I had back then, a problem that so many of us have, is that I really believed it.

This time around, some twenty plus years later, I found myself listening to the words and realizing it was no wonder I had always attracted that kind of drama guy, the rollercoaster rider. The emotionally disconnected player who constantly went back and forth on what he wanted.

No wonder he took me for a roller coaster ride every time.

No wonder he was the only guy who would do!

No wonder I wasn't finding the guy who really wanted to settle down, the guy who was actually ready for a committed relationship. I was too busy looking for the guy who I thought I wanted - the one who would have been singing this song!

I realize now that the song is actually about the player, the ladies man, the bad boy who sings:

Even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight

Wait. What? Hang on a second. So as long as he's keeping me in sight I'm supposed to put up with his wandering while I wait for him to stop fighting his feelings and finally realize he can't live without me?

I didn't sign up for this.

And I guess I'm supposed to be love struck when this guy suffering from commitment phobia tells me that because of his strong feelings for me:

I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

Well, I'm certainly glad you're getting closer.

I'll tell you what, Mr. Fighting His Feelings - while you figure out just how close you can get, I'm going to go ahead and find a guy who already knows he's ready for commitment.

What I didn't get back then that's so clear to me now, is that the types of men I  was attracting were exactly the way these lyrics read, except they never did bring that ship into shore. They just kept on wandering (but, in their defense, they did keep me in their sight - at least when it was convenient).

It wasn't that I wasn't enough - it was that I couldn't change anyone. Nor was it, I now realize, my job to spend my time and energy trying to make anyone love me.

If he wasn't there, then he wasn't there; there was nothing to change, nothing to do except to walk away, say next and move on to someone who was ready for me! Or better yet, spot him ahead of time and not get involved in the first place.

It was that simple!

But no, I didn't get that. I made it so complicated.

I put myself through so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak that I could have saved myself from if only I had figured this out so many years earlier.

I wasted so much time feeling so worthy to be his candle in the window, to know that it was because of me that he was getting closer to letting down his guard and letting love in than he ever had been before.

I believed it all.

Now I know the truth.

This isn't a fantasy, this is real life; this isn't a song, this is your life.

This isn't a fairytale, this is your heart, your soul, your you… your beautiful you that we're talking about here. And it's time you realize that you were not brought into this world to try to make someone love you, to save someone from himself, to show him a different kind of love than he's ever known, to rescue him, to love away all his demons, to bring him into a new kind of relationship all because you believe in his potential!

You never, ever have to convince anyone of your worth.

You never have to prove to someone why they should choose you. You never have to win his love. If he doesn't see this for himself, then next!

And we all need to stop listening to songs like this – but with over 12 million views it looks like we're still falling into this trap.

You deserve so much more than this.

What to Look For in a Guy - 10 Qualities He Must Have

60 Comments

A beautiful woman is giving the OK sign because she's figured out what to look for in a guy. She is blond, wearing an orange blouse and standing against a white background.I received the most inspiring email the other day from one of our beautiful readers who initially wrote to me just over a year ago, heartbroken over yet another guy. At the time she was wondering, like so many of us have, what to do about a guy who just isn't ready for that commitment, someone who was giving her mixed signals and suddenly turned cold and distant.

It took a while, but she finally let go and was eventually able to leave that all behind.

Now, about a year later, she was writing to tell me that this time around she decided to try something different. She gave someone a chance who she normally wouldn't have, someone she previously didn't consider her type, to see what might happen with a different kind of guy. Essentially she changed her thinking about what to look for in a guy.

I'm happy to tell you that she’s fallen in love and now they’re getting married.

Since her initial story was so familiar, one I've heard countless times (and experienced myself) I realized that it could have been any one of us. It really got me thinking about how important it is to simply choose the right kind of guy, and often that means veering away from the types of guys we are typically drawn towards.Continue Reading

Do I Need to Move On?

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A beautiful woman is pointing at her slacker boyfriend wondering if she needs to move on. He is wearing a white tank top standing against an orange wall.Our beautiful friend Olivia is wondering if she needs more patience, or if she just needs to move on. Read on for her story:

Dear Jane,

I'm 24 and have been dating my boyfriend, who is 25, for 2 years now.

When I first met him, he had never really dated or been in a long term relationship. His reasoning was that he just never had the interest or the time to invest. Our first year of dating we rushed into things, moved in together and found that it was quite different then we had assumed.

He's thoughtful, but it seems to be in all the wrong ways. He will tell me I'm beautiful a million times a day, yet refuses to acknowledge things like when I state that we should go out and do something romantic or exciting. I've always tried to lead by example; I've even just taken myself out on dates thinking that it may click.

He tells me that he doesn't understand what I want, I am being too needy. The biggest problem is lack of responsibility. A year ago, we had a very intense falling out which led to us moving out of our beautiful apartment. The falling out was a concoction of him not having a job, me getting too angry. It was more or less a severe lack of understanding and responsibility on both ends.

We both moved in with family and began to work on things. About 3 months of working on things and he started to come stay with me. It's been a year now, and we live with my parents. I am 24... I should not be living with my parents with my boyfriend of 2 years! Constantly I remind him that we are adults, we need to do something about this.

I once got as far as setting myself up with roommates and when I told him of this, he threatened to leave me because that was appropriate.

There always seems to be something, his car breaks down, he loses his job, he needs to pay debt and when the money issues go away it turns into, "Well you just get too angry about everything. I don't know if we should live together." But we do live together!

I am angry because I've patiently waited over a year, I've saved the money, I've looked around, I've found him new jobs  and I've supported him in every aspect thus far in fear that will think I am not being sensitive enough. I love him. I love him with all of my heart, he loves me but he just can't grow up. He's sensitive, but I feel like he is taking advantage of me.

Do I need to have more patience? Do I need to move on?

I don't want these past 2 years of hard work to be for nothing. Staying and leaving both feel equally terrible.

My Response:

Dear Olivia,

I hear you. You love this guy, you just want things to be different! This is really difficult, because it sounds to me like he loves you, like he wants to be with you, too, but he's got these issues that are huge for him - and you. Have you heard of the term enabler? Because my first thought as I was reading your email, is that this guy has got it so good with you. You find him jobs, you save up money, you find a place for both of you, you take him in when things aren't working out for him, he's basically got it made with you.

He doesn't really have any reason to grow up, because other than you getting angry with him sometimes for not growing up and doing some of this work himself - which is completely understandable - he has got everything he could ever want with you. You are the perfect complement to him. Whatever he lacks, you make up for it.

You are more than patient, more than understanding, more than the perfect girlfriend to him. And yes, you've invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship and in him, so of course the thought of giving it up feels awful, and yet, the thought of living another two years like this is probably not what you have in mind either.

It really comes down to you. And what you can and can't live with. What a deal breaker is to you, and whether or not you're going to be ok continuing to live like this indefinitely if nothing changes on his end.

Because he doesn't have a whole lot of reason to change or motivation to do anything different when you keep taking care of things for him.

But on the other hand, if he knows how you feel, and you've communicated this with him, then he does know you're not happy living like this and you want to see some changes. The question is this: Is he capable of making the changes you want to see in him? Is he able to grow up and become more responsible, more of the man you want him to be?

Only you know what he's worth to you, what the relationship is worth to you the way it is, not the way you want it to be. So you have to decide what living like this with him versus not living like this without him is worth to you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can stop doing all the things you do for him to see if he picks up the slack and see what that looks like. You can keep showing him by your actions what you are and are not willing to put up with. And if you decide that you really can't do this while still living at your parents' house with him, then you can ask him to leave and just go back to dating him to see what that looks like and feels like to both of you.

Maybe he just wants someone to take care of him and the responsibilities of life - if that's really what he's looking for, can you live with that? Sometimes love looks different than how we pictured it. Only you know what you can and can't live with.

But whatever you decide, Oliva, know that if this relationship is meant to be, it will be. But only if both of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are willing to do what it takes to make this work.

I hope this gives you some things to think about. It's tough when you love someone and yet there's a big "but" that goes with those words. You do know deep in your heart what the answer is here, and sometimes, the answers come simply by focusing back on you and your life and letting him fade into the distance so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much. Sometimes, we just need to keep living our own life and doing the things that make us happy, and the answers come to us when we least expect it.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other ideas, advice or encouragement for Olivia? Tell us in the comments!

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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