I was in a store the other day when a song came on that took me right back in time to my early single days of the late eighties.
It was my song, the song that made my heart flutter, the one that I just knew was being sung by the guy who was out there looking for me, waiting for me.
And of course I was love-struck by this song. It's a song that we all want to hear the man in our life sing to us, professing his love and his inability to do anything but commit to us utterly and completely. It's a song of romance, love, and commitment.
We want to believe that we mean everything to him, we want to know that he realizes he just can't bear to be without us. Yes, he's afraid (as all men are), but we make him feel so secure, and give him such clarity and direction in his life, that he knows there's no reason to be afraid - so the lyrics tell us.
So he does the only thing he possibly can do, given the strength of his feelings – he gives himself completely to us, to the relationship, bringing his ship into the shore and throwing away the oars forever.
The song I'm referring to is I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore by REO Speedwagon, circa 1985. In case you don't know it, here it is complete with the enchanting lyrics:
The problem I had back then, a problem that so many of us have, is that I really believed it.
This time around, some twenty plus years later, I found myself listening to the words and realizing it was no wonder I had always attracted that kind of drama guy, the rollercoaster rider. The emotionally disconnected player who constantly went back and forth on what he wanted.
No wonder he took me for a roller coaster ride every time.
No wonder he was the only guy who would do!
No wonder I wasn't finding the guy who really wanted to settle down, the guy who was actually ready for a committed relationship. I was too busy looking for the guy who I thought I wanted - the one who would have been singing this song!
I realize now that the song is actually about the player, the ladies man, the bad boy who sings:
Even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight
Wait. What? Hang on a second. So as long as he's keeping me in sight I'm supposed to put up with his wandering while I wait for him to stop fighting his feelings and finally realize he can't live without me?
I didn't sign up for this.
And I guess I'm supposed to be love struck when this guy suffering from commitment phobia tells me that because of his strong feelings for me:
I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.
Well, I'm certainly glad you're getting closer.
I'll tell you what, Mr. Fighting His Feelings - while you figure out just how close you can get, I'm going to go ahead and find a guy who already knows he's ready for commitment.
What I didn't get back then that's so clear to me now, is that the types of men I was attracting were exactly the way these lyrics read, except they never did bring that ship into shore. They just kept on wandering (but, in their defense, they did keep me in their sight - at least when it was convenient).
It wasn't that I wasn't enough - it was that I couldn't change anyone. Nor was it, I now realize, my job to spend my time and energy trying to make anyone love me.
If he wasn't there, then he wasn't there; there was nothing to change, nothing to do except to walk away, say next and move on to someone who was ready for me! Or better yet, spot him ahead of time and not get involved in the first place.
It was that simple!
But no, I didn't get that. I made it so complicated.
I put myself through so much unnecessary pain and heartbreak that I could have saved myself from if only I had figured this out so many years earlier.
I wasted so much time feeling so worthy to be his candle in the window, to know that it was because of me that he was getting closer to letting down his guard and letting love in than he ever had been before.
I believed it all.
Now I know the truth.
This isn't a fantasy, this is real life; this isn't a song, this is your life.
This isn't a fairytale, this is your heart, your soul, your you… your beautiful you that we're talking about here. And it's time you realize that you were not brought into this world to try to make someone love you, to save someone from himself, to show him a different kind of love than he's ever known, to rescue him, to love away all his demons, to bring him into a new kind of relationship all because you believe in his potential!
You never, ever have to convince anyone of your worth.
You never have to prove to someone why they should choose you. You never have to win his love. If he doesn't see this for himself, then next!
And we all need to stop listening to songs like this – but with over 12 million views it looks like we're still falling into this trap.
You deserve so much more than this.
Isn't it astonishing I hadn't read this one?? I haven't finished eating the cookies and that feels great for a cookie monster, lol.
I see what you did there, Jane and I agree. We definitely let these sneaky pesky songs and books and movies wreak havoc by getting ingrained in our subconscious. It is no wonder I started disliking many songs and movies/stories that I used to love, because when I broke it down I said: there! The annoying fantasy that has been covering my heart and soul with bruises.
I was reading a blog written by a man who was "ranting" about how unfair it was that everyone thinks women have to change, adapt or perform to get a man to commit and love them. He actually asked: where are the men in this equation? Wouldn't it be about time we all grew up and start working on ourselves to be healthy and be able to love otgers as they are? He also happened to mention this pervasive little mesage seems to be everywhere.
A male friend of mine was asking me about movies and I mentioned how I deeply disliked chick flicks because most of them give a false image to us about what a girl should want, how she should act and look and overall be; that this "romanticism" was just delusional and so not realistic or healthy even. And he came back with: you're so unromantic, that sounds cold. I was compelled to elaborate further and to my surprise he changed his mind about his assessment of me haha. People don't even question these things until you point these details out.
Loved this post as usual. Thank you, Jane.
I'll keep snooping around the blog to see what else I haven't read 😛
Glad you enjoyed this one, Angel. It's amazing how much we find this "programming" everywhere when we know what to look for. Just look at how far you've come! 🙂
Awesome article & so transformational.. I realized that the music I had listened to had conditioned me in a disempowering way... So now I don´t even listen to music: only empowering audios who are uber successful... Which, as a side effect, has taught me to set boundaries with most people... Only letting in a few prospects who have the qualities I´m looking for, the ones I feel good with... It takes courage, but it is so worth it.. No more drama, just the truth.... And it feels so good! Thank you, Jane!
I discovered the same thing, Monica, when I started to think about the lyrics to so many of my favorite songs and found that the themes were almost all about the same unrealistic fairy tale. If only I had recognized this at the time!
There are tears running down my face, I am laughing so hard. It is not our fault that we are so clueless. OMG somebody needs to help us. We see and don't see. We hear and don't hear. We know better, but do it anyway, because this time is going to be different! Or better than that, "people change". We are the ones who need to change. We are book smart, can multitask, and help do anything humanly possible. But committed love is still an illusion.
I couldn't have said this any better myself, Carolyn; you have summed this up so accurately!
If he hasn't decided he is ready for commitment before he and I even meet, he is yesterday's news.
You get this, Centaine!
I love this song! Commitment is in short supply these days
This article you just posted is like a lesson I need to learn. I know it deep in my heart that what you are saying is absolutely true, but I am having a hard time to let go after so many years (dating).
My fav. song is actually - to really love a woman - by Brian Adams:)
I so hear what you're saying, Eh; I was surprised myself at how ingrained so many of my own interpretations of these lyrics were when I looked at them closer now. Know that this is why so many of these romantic, fairy-tale notions are so much a part of our core beliefs - if music and our culture are so closely related, this is exactly why we have such a hard time letting go of the dreams we build around these romantic ideals!
And I love that song! You must be a Canadian, too 🙂
Yah Brian! I'm Canadian too" 🙂
To start off I want to say thank you to you Jane and all you ladies. Your stories and perspectives have brought tears to my eyes as I feel and understand your pain. I realize and gain strength that I am not alone .... That I am not weird or weak to be in the situation I'm in...
This post made me reflect on the silly songs I've enjoyed listening to. They're the sort that depict the tough guy who has walls because he's too strong to show his feelings and the woman waits patiently for him. I think they feed me more excuses for him.
I need to focus on songs like the one Eh 🙂 voted for by Brian Adams. I like Keith Urban's , "Making Memories of Us"...
Have an awesome day everybody. Lets listen to positive music!! 🙂
Thank you for your kind words, Tara. It's so true; you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you! We all come to this place with our own stories but what unites us all is that we know what it's like to feel like you do, and to know that you are not alone in wherever you're at, is part of the healing process. There is no judgement, so shame, just a safe place to see yourself in a whole new light.
As you say, let's listen to the music that touches our hearts and souls in ways that help us see reality, not more of the fantasies we're so programmed to believe in! 🙂
I've always considered "Always on my Mind" as a lament the guy has for not treating her better. Pure regret from a guy who learned too late.
That's always what I thought, too, Carol.
Just racking my brains to think of a song that has lyrics of commitment. How about Forever my darling my love will be true by Elvis. But seriously Jane we really need to be careful to the music we listen to and enjoy because music does affect our feelings which then attracts more of the same stuff.
Can't we just imagine him professing his forever love to every single one of us! That's what really hit me, Ann; music elicits such an emotional response from us that the words of these songs translate directly into our beliefs, especially when those words support the romantic notions of love and relationships that we so want to believe!
The Bryan Adams song "I'm Ready" is about committment
I forgot about that one, Jackie.
One of my favorite songs was You Were Always on My Mind - both versions (Willie Nelson and Pet Shop Boys) it has a melody of someone who cares but its really a BS song about not taking responsibility for showing up in a relationship.
I remember that one, too, LJ - and I just reread the lyrics and discovered the same thing! It's the "you were always on my mind" instead of "you are always on my mind" that should have clued us in to what they were really saying. 🙂