Dear Jane,
I started seeing a guy a little over a year ago, we have both been divorced about two years, I was married for 18 years and he was for 17 years, we both have one child, that are about a year apart in age, we live in different cities, about 45 minutes apart.
When we first started dating after about two months, he broke it off because he said (famous words of all men) he wasn't ready for what he thought I wanted, a serious relationship. After about a month ( i knew he would be back) he started calling me again, so we started dating again, we never talked about the "serious relationship" thing.
We have such a wonderful time together, although that time is very limited due to our schedules with our kids, maybe once a week sometimes once every two weeks. I know he enjoys being with me and when we do see one another, we do usually end up spending the night together and no we don't always have sex, but our sex life is awesome!
We never go a day without talking, texting, he text me good morning, every morning. Our children have never met, he has met one of my friends and I have met one of his. He tells me how happy I make him and how wonderful I am, but still no commitment. I tell him sometimes (in a joking matter of course) that he keeps me hidden in the closet. I really do have feelings for him and I do think he does for me.
However sometimes I do feel he could see me more if he wanted too and I have told him before that I feel I put more effort into seeing him then he does me. His response was that he would try. We have gone on a weekend getaway together, which he surprised me with.
I am ready for the commitment, I am ready to meet his child and have him meet mine. My plan is to just ask him to think about where he wants our relationship to go, stay as it is or move forward, if he's not ready to commit after a year, will he ever be?
After he ended it in the beginning I ask him if it was me that he didn't want a relationship with, he said that it had nothing to do with me, he just needed to figure things out! But it's been over a year and we have yet to talk about it, I think it's time, what do you think?
Help please, and just incase, we are both in our early 40's, we both have professional, stressful jobs. I'm not saying I want to get married but I am ready for me then what he is currently giving me.
My Response:
Dear Rita,
He knows what you want from him, even if you don't have that conversation or talk; he knows. He knows from all the subtle things you say, from all the hints you drop, from what you've said before. So whether or not you talk to him officially about all of this, and try to get a timeline from him on when he will be ready, he already knows and what you've got from him right now is what he's comfortable with giving you. I don't think he knows when he'll be ready for what you're looking for from him - and, no, you're not asking for too much! Since it sounds like he's just happy with the way things are and not very motivated to do anything different outside of his current comfort zone.
So what this comes down to is you, Rita, and the fact that you are ready for more than he's currently giving you. The absolute best thing to do when you have a scenario like this is to keep living your own life and filling it with everything else that means something to you so that what he does or doesn't do becomes less of your focus. But I know that's so much easier said than done when you're waiting for him to be on the same page as you and you can't understand why he isn't there already when things are that good between you!
Decide what you can live with. And what you can't live with. If you need to put everything on the table, then have that talk with him. But know that it may push him away; and if it does, know that at least you know where he really stands. You're always better to know the honest truth of whether someone is on the same page as you then to go along assuming he is or is going to get there.
If he's not on your page, that doesn't mean you have to do anything or you can't be together, it just means you're choosing to accept a relationship with someone who isn't there so you have to adjust your expectations on what you can realistically expect from him. If he's content with the way things are, know that you're not going to change him, no matter how amazing you are - and I know you are! You just have to decide what your terms are and what he is worth to you - what having him in your life is worth to you. We can't make someone be on our page, but we can choose what to do with our own lives if he's not.
Most of all, Rita, listen to your own gut instincts here. You know him and the situation better than anyone else. If someone in the exact situation as you were asking you what to do, listen to what you would say to her to help you decide what to do. And know that you're so not alone. It doesn't matter how old both of you are or what your situation is, this scenario happens far too often to the best of us, and when it's time to do something different, trust yourself to make the best decision for that beautiful women known as you! Living without regrets is one of the best gifts you can give yourself, so know that as long as you can live with your decisions and choices and make the ones that give you the most peace and happiness - that is all that really matters.
Love,
Jane
Do you have any additional ideas, advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Rita? Share them with us in the comments!
I really like this guy! I gave him my number almost 3 days ago he hasn't called. I'm like a bear to honey when the phone rings but it's never him! We haven't got to talk much its like a love at first sight thing I have going on but I know lots about him. The thing I forgot to bring up was if he has a girlfriend.. I probably won't see him in public often or at all.. I didn't get his number. I don't know what to do Help! Please!!!!
Ask yourself why you want to hear from someone who has a girlfriend, Anonymous Lover. You'll find your answer there. You deserve so much more than this!
Help! Please I really really like this guy!! I gave him my phone almost 3 days ago! I didn't get his number sadly... I won't see him in public often I hope I do! What should I do? Really like him I don't know if he has feelings for me or even if he has a girlfriend (we didn't get to talk much lately). I don't know whenever the phone rings it's never him what do I do?!
Hi Jane- I haven't talked to my ex boyfriend in a month and the last conversation did not go well. Now that my feelings have calmed down, I feel like I want to meet with him just to tell him how I really feel about him. I never did in 8 months tell him that I loved him and truly cared about him. I was always scared to say anything and walked on egg shells. I know it probably will not change anything. I think he is still afraid of committing. But, for some reason, I think it may make me feel better to put it all out there and stand up for myself to say the things I have never said. Should I take this approach, or just let it all go??? I seem to be having a hard time letting him go. When I go out with other men, HE is all I think about. I hate that!! I thought maybe this would help me bring some closure. I really don't know. All I do know is that I cannot get him out of my head!! HELP!!
Let your feelings out and letting him know all that you feel will deff make you feel better and will make you feel more of that internal peace. Im going through the same and today i took the stand and i confesed him everything i feel, and even though he doesnt feel the same as me and he just want to be friends, i feel way more better with myself. I dont feel repressed. You must feel that freedom and relief of saying what is killing you inside. Go ahead! I hope you did and if not i hope you do! Never is too late !
What you have is the "lazy man". This is not being old fashioned, just basic biology. If he had to give you what you want in order to have you in his life at all, he would not be there. He is taking what you let him take.
I have learned that I only put in the effort that a man does. I never do more than the man I am seeing any more. I used to and it never felt good. You will reach a point of burn out with this guy and just leave with a lot of resentment. He will be confused cause he thought since you put up with the status quo, you were OK with it.
Make your needs be your priority and fill your life with what you love, absolutely as already said above, start dating others. You don't have what you need from this man so why are you being so committed to him. He is not making you happy, you deserve to be. Why are you staying?
It will get easier if you practice leaving these "lazy" men in the dust:)
It's a mindshift; it's a new way of seeing when we can ask ourselves exactly these questions, CBG, and be honest enough with ourselves to hear our answers. "Next" is where we want to get to.
I too am in a relationship with a guy for more than 2 years to a guy who says he will commit, but not now. He was married for 13 years, and wasn't the one who wanted the divorce. It wasn't a complicated divorce, but it dragged on for almost a year while neither he nor his ex did anything. He has joint custody of his son, and I admire how much he loves his son and proves it on a daily basis. However, I feel like he uses his son as a reason to say he can't get committed more, because it would upset his son. He says his son has taken the divorce very hard, and I do understand divorce is not easy on kids as I went through it twice as a kid, and I am raising my daughter on my own after divorcing her father. His ex just got married a few weeks ago though, and his son doesn't seem to be upset or bothered at all. But my boyfriend tells me that his son is different towards him and gets upset if he knows his dad did something fun without him (on a weekend his son is with his mom for example).
I know my boyfriend had his whole life planned, including land he and his ex purchased together for when he retires. Due to the divorce, most of those plans have been taken away from him due to the divorce. I know he cares for me, and says he loves me, but I'm not sure that he will ever want to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he just needs to take things slow, and I have tried to be patient. He has made progress in finally introducing me to his son about a year ago, and spending time with me when he has his son. I guess part of me feels that because I am the first woman he dated since his divorce, that I am the rebound girlfriend not a potential wife. He says he feels that he can never do enough to prove to me he spends as much time as he can with me and calls or texts as much as he can when we aren't together so he doesn't understand why I think he isn't doing enough. It isn't that I feel he doesn't spend a lot of time with me, but I think that my fear that i am settling for a relationship that won't ever lead to marriage causes me to think he does want to get remarried, just not to me. And my fears just start from there as my mind drifts to thinking I'm not good enough for him, etc.
I guess my question is, is it possible it will take him years, but eventually he will be ready for more (marriage). Or am I setting a bad example for my daughter as Maris above said do I want her to think 2-3 days a week is ok? I think the hardest part is our relationship has grown a lot during the 2 years, although some of that was due to my boyfriend knowing I wanted more from him in terms of commitment. I am not saying going slow is bad, but I guess my past relationships the guys professed there love very quickly, well too quickly (feels like I've gone from one extreme of too fast to the other extreme of too slow). Sorry for the novel, it is hard to comment on something that I love without trying to explain more.
Any feedback or advice will be greatly appreciated. 😉
There's never any guarantees about anything like this, Michelle. There's no way of knowing if or when he might be ready for more. And that's why this is always about you. Can you live like this if nothing changes? Are you willing to invest that much more time and energy waiting to see what happens, knowing that you don't know if you'll still be in this same place with him weeks, months, or even years from now? If he's worth it, if being with him on his own terms like this is worth it to you - and only you know if he is - then what do you need to do to be ok with these terms?
The best thing to do in these situations is always to keep living your live, focusing on what you have control over - you. If you can give him a place in the distant background of your life and make everything else take that center stage that's been his place, then what he does or doesn't do won't matter as much to you. Remember that your actions say so much more than your words, so by making this shift, a change naturally occurs that puts things back in balance. It's about not committing to him anymore than he's committing to you. It's about creating a life for yourself and your daughter that's about what's best for the two of you and not as much about him and what's going on with him.
If he's going to come around, you'll be the first to know! Someone who is truly meant for you, and wants the same thing as you do, won't change his mind just because you shift the focus from "we" to "me". You'll be that much healthier and happier for it, and if he's right for you, when he is ready for what you are, he'll let you know and then you can decide where you're at and what you want to do! You're not asking for too much - you just might be asking it from someone who's not capable of giving you what you're asking for.
Great article and reply... Specifically addressed to the last comment/reply, how do you go about this when you are not with a child, but instead trying to figure out your career path, which might lead to more school, which could lead to moving out of state... ? Trying to figure out my own life, as it's a necessity, and focus more on how to deal with that/what to do, than trying to figure out whether or not our relationship is meant to be or not--which is actually helping me, I think! When I can maintain that focus!
But when it comes to the practical/hypothetical thoughts of some school with some degree (all still unknown as of now), which might likely be out of state,, how do you consider or think of those things really, or decide, when you truly still do have someone in your mind as possibility in your life/future.?
Does it make sense?
I get it if you already work, have your life, etc., so just focus on that and yourself.. But what about when you don't have any of that, and you are at a point that feels so crucial (maybe it isn't, but sure feels like it), maybe because of age and impatience, too, to figure out what the heck to do with your life/career-- finding/choosing one--so you are considering so many things at once...
So confusing, don't know if I made my point clearly or not,
Thank you.
Then this really is your time, B. You have the entire world open to you! And while it might seem like it would make your own decision-making process so much easier if he could make this decision for you by committing to you now, or telling you what he wants for the future, this is your life, B. Sometimes you have to take a chance on what you want, to know that it's ok if you change your mind, if the decision you end up making about your own career path, or moving out of state doesn't turn out to look like you expected.
We can fall so easily into that perfection trap, where we so want to have some security of knowing what's ahead so we can make the right decision. But, my beautiful friend, what's right for you won't be the same as what's right for someone else! It isn't about choosing right or making the best decision; it's about choosing something that seems right to you right now with the best of what you know, so that once you're moving forward on that path, it will become clearer what your next steps are. Not all at once, not the whole journey including the final destination - just the journey! You have no idea how you'll grow and stretch as you pursue your dreams and see where they take you! But along the way, the whole point of living will be found in your journey. You'll know more, understand more, see more, and have that much more direction as you go along. But from where you stand now, you can't possibly know what you need to do down the road. You can't possibly be expected to make the "perfect" decision - even if there was one.
Be easy on yourself; try to focus more on the next step instead of the next 999 steps ahead - does that make sense? We hold ourselves to such high expectations that no one else does. We don't understand that it's not about being perfect, it's about being real. And along the way, if he's there and fits into your life and wants to be a part of it the same way you do, it will happen. If you're both on the same page, it will flow easily. And if not, you'll know that, too. But it will be in the living of your own beautiful life, making the best decisions you can at each point as you go along, as you see what you need to see at each stopping point where you check in with yourself and ask yourself "What do I want to do next?" "What do I want my life to look like knowing what I now know?". This is how you live your best life, this is how you grow. This is how you find love in the living of your life in your own beautiful, unique way, without waiting for someone else to make your decisions easier by telling you what to do or how to do it. Trust yourself, B. You know yourself and what you're truly looking for better than you think. You're human; give yourself permission to make mistakes along the way - which are really learning experiences, not mistakes - and change your mind again and again. It's all waiting for you!
Wow, Jane. I want to first thank you for your reply, and your time. What an amazing post that you wrote! You really hit it head on, nailed the issues that have been brought up to me.
Everything that you said rang true to me and I deeply related to it... You are amazing!!
I actually brought this up today (before I had seen the reply) to him... Just couldn't be avoided even if I tried because I was so upset about it.. Have been stressed recently trying to 'figure it all out'--my life, etc.
Everything that you said here today, pretty much, was echoed from what he said to me today, too, in response. It was all the same, which gives me great comfort...
It was identical, in so many ways, which blows me away and also gives support to/reaffirms it, which I just know is true now.
It can be scary to know and to have that responsibility for our own lives... To know that We are in control, even if we don't necessarily know what we're doing, or how, etc. But taking full responsibility for our lives, and what we Can do..., it is empowering, but can be scary at the same time.
I just want to thank you again, and you truly have a gift!! ,. Whether it's your intuition or experience or both or just a knowing,, it's been a pleasure to find you, meet you, and read your website.
Thank you so much,
B
So glad this resonated with you, B; and thank you so much for your kind words. It's my pleasure to be able to connect with you like this, too and to be reminded of how true it is that we always find what we're looking for, even if we lack the exact words to express what that is!
It's in the unexpected ways we find our answers that we're reminded of just how much love and support there really is for every single one of us, no matter who we are, or what our story is. Enjoy your exciting adventures, B, and trust in life and love to provide you with everything you need; I know without a doubt that you're going to be just fine, my beautiful friend; there is so much just waiting for you to discover.
Bottom line....sometimes the hardest steps are the right ones. My best friend finally left her cheating hubby of 24 yrs. Emotionally she is a mess but she left him! I'm so proud of her! She will bounce back in due time and realize all the years she let slip by. Don't do the same thing! I did it too and I regret not believing that I deserved to treated the best and so don't you!
Exactly! Never easy, but so worth that initial heartbreak by finally being free of being treated like this.
I saw a saying that letting go/surrendering is different from giving up. The first acknowledges that you are the prize. The later assumes you are not. One thing I would recommend to break the cycle of having a pattern of relationships that lead to this kind of choice, is Debi Berndt's free webcast on the Love Shadow: http://attendthisevent.com/?eventid=44061789
There is also an upcoming telecourse on the love shadow which goes deeper into bringing one's love shadow to light to experience a more amazing kind of love pattern:
Whole and complete as a person attracts and keeps the same
So true, Jackie. It's that distinction that's key here.
I haven't checked out these webcasts from Debi Berndt myself, but thanks for sharing.
Hi, I am suffering much the same thing at the moment, with an ex that won't quite leave me alone, yet is also not making the effort to take it further. I miss him a lot, but am also starting to resent hanging on and waiting for him. I know it is up to me, but I can't quite cut it off. I hate to think he is being vindictive and playing games just because he can and can't think of a good way to end this limbo. Any comments appreciated!
Melissa
You end the limbo when you are finally done with feeling this way, Melissa, when you're ready to take that next step. Each one of us comes to this place in our own time, when we've had enough of feeling like this, of living like this, of waiting like this. When the cons outnumber the pros, when you're unhappy more than you're happy, when you're talking more about what's wrong with your relationship than you are living the life you know in your heart you were meant to live. When the awareness of what your going through starts to create a gentle stirring that eventually erupts into a reality check where you finally come to the point that you have had enough. And it is then that your inner strength kicks in that you never knew you had. Where along with that panicky feeling that you just want to turn back the clock and be back with him, comes another feeling that you are finally free.
It is a different path, a different journey for all of us, Melissa, but when you're ready, you'll know. And along that journey, this is a place where you are always welcome, you can always find support for whatever side of the fence you're leaning on at any given moment, and where you can always feel safe and free from judgement with whatever you are wrestling with. The choice is always yours, my beautiful friend!
"Where along with that panicky feeling that you just want to turn back the clock and be back with him, comes another feeling that you are finally free."
Thank you for that words, Jane! I felt that today when I finally had the courage to leave a good guy who nevertheless was not ready for commitment. He was acting in such a contradictory way, that I was feeling confused and hurt by his behavior and I just couldn't stay like this anymore, so today I ended up the relationship (I'm not even sure that could be called a relationship!). Today I just felt the way you've just described: a little sad and scared, but most of all, I feel free and relieved.
I love your articles! Thank you so much for your great advice. 🙂
Sitting here this morning , reading yor letter and forthcoming comments , Iit touched my heart because you can read things like this and even though the light goes on and you know that the place this lady is in , is where you are or have been. And you just want to shout from the highest point . Don't do this to yourself , go outside ,, breathe in the fresh air , smell the sweet smell of life . Listen from the outside at what people are saying , if it is right , it wouldn't need fixing . Love and being in love is a wonderful , wonderful thing , that rush is addictive , and you want it to last forever .
When you feel you have to have "that talk" , with your partner , it's the first chip in the heart , . I am not saying communication is bad , but you are in one place , they are in another , that is why you felt the need to initiate the whole thing . but , you cannot make someone or something be who they are not .
Be strong my fellow communicator , take back your worth. Cut it loose . It hurts , pain is inevitable . You built this great romance in your head , and your head and heart are now involved . You know what you have to do , feel it , do it ,and be strong for knowing you have saved yourself future pain .
My own story , after a 16month scenario similar to yours , I told him I wasn't prepared to put up with being in a lie . I always insisted on an open , honest communication ,. What I received was a man , who , because he was also hurt , was having and still has an almost vindictive approach to his future relationshiips , he will do what he likes ,with as many as they will allow ,for as long as they allow it . As soon as they ask for "the talk" , he is preparing to meet the next one .
It's so easy for us to love , we give with our hearts and our souls . We believe in happy ever after
But , as Jane says if it's right , it's right . Only you will know that . But listening to what you know , is not the hardest part ,it's being able to pull the plug on what's not right
But you can do it . Have strength . Do it for you . You deserve it .
Thank you for adding so much to this conversation, Tex. Your insight here, from your own firsthand experience, is so telling, so real, and so true. There is such power in your words, in realizing that you, along with every other woman in the world, deserves so much more than what we find ourselves putting up with - and calling love - far too often.
"When you feel you have to have "that talk" , with your partner , it's the first chip in the heart , . I am not saying communication is bad , but you are in one place , they are in another , that is why you felt the need to initiate the whole thing . but , you cannot make someone or something be who they are not ." - so beautifully put, Tez; thank you for sharing.
I have learned so many things unexpectedly. I just thought I was trying to figure out my dysfunctional ex bf. i truly loved him. He didnt love himself nor me. In the long run having been married 23 years. Divorced because I should have been. And two very turbulent relationships. And I thought it was them. Dont get me wrong. They are not relationship material. This time I am not settling to fix anyone. This really struck a cord. Why? Because she needs to know while men think differently than women. Make sure he knows your needs and wants clearly. He isnt settling and no ... She shouldnt either. Thank you Jane. It has helped me tremendously
So glad this resonated with you, Christina. I hear you about the learning. This is how we learn our greatest lessons, don't we? Most of it occurs completely unexpectedly and not at all how we would have planned it if we were in charge. It takes awhile to realize we do so much damage to our own hearts and souls when we try to fix anyone - and of course, we call that real love when we're in the thick of it. Thank you for sharing your own story, Christina; there's something about knowing you're not alone that helps on such a deep level.
What a timely issue. I am going through a similar situation, but I have been dating a man who hasn't been ready for a relationship for the last four years! I am really fed up and frustrated at this point. I've been more than patient with him and told him I'm moving on, but he can't seem to stay out of my life either. My advice is to save yourself time and more pain by not letting him have it on his terms anymore. Don't be afraid to lose him because letting him go is the best way to find out what you mean to him. I've completely let go, and he's stepped up his game, but I'm still not sure I ever want to see him again.
Exactly, Candice! And the most beautiful part here is that you have taken back your own power and you can now decide if he is worth it to you to see him again! It is stories like yours that when shared like this, inspire so many women to see just what can happen when you make your own decision on how you want your life to go. Thank you for sharing.
I think that Rita says it all. You want a commitment and hè
Does not. He is telling you this by how he is treating you.
And you don' t want to chase Rita or convince Him that you are worth it.
Hè may have own personal reasons why he does not want a commitment. And you should listen to the little
Voice inside you! Love should not be so complicated.
I just want you to tell you Rita. If you know your worth , what kind of man suits you and set boundries.
It Will not cost you so much energy and waisted time. You Will while dating have a better and smarter way of
Choosing a man.
If think if you continue with this man. It can damage you more emotionaly and this can also
Have an effect on your kid(s).
Now think about it, your an example for your kid. You want a healthy relationship and
Atmosphere in your house.
What kind of man do you wAnt als a (step)father for the child.
Someone who comes 1 a week?. Someone with a broken soul?
Someone who cleary does not sea your worth?
Beautifully put, Maris; thank you.
I agree with Gabriella and with you,Jane. I am 60 years old and I have counseled many women in this type of relationship. Gabriella, you simply stated the same thing Jane did. If a woman fills her life with other important matters it automatically makes her less available and she must 'pull away' in order to attend to other facets of her life. So you both are correct in your advice.
Thanks for adding your insightful perspective, Jayeanna. It all helps show the way!
Hi Jane
I think your answer is way to ambiguous. Rita needs to pull bac slowly and pretend that she is loosing interest. Not being available when he wants to see her ans start dating other men. These type of men are fence sitters and can course great pain to a woman. Simply he is keeping her as an option until he falls in love again . Rita is helping him heal from the pain of his marriage and two years for men post marriage is not long enough for them to be ready again. Men can take between 5 and seven years to recover. Rita has already made herself ready for a relationship too early in the piece which means she was way to available and lost the mystery too early on when she was seeing this man. Looks like she slept way too soon with this man before there was any commitment . Men love the chase and hunt and mystery and when woman fall too quickly he knows he has her so he won't change.
I could go on but I think Rita needs to really rethink mabey risk loosing this relationship even if she dosnt want too .
Gabriella
Thanks for offering your insight here, Gabriella; this is so helpful to have other views offered in addition to mine.