We've all heard the advice at one time or another:
Play hard to get and he'll come around and finally make a commitment.
Back when I was single, I heard it too - a lot.
And while it made sense on one level – if he has to chase you he'll be more likely to want to – on another level, it seemed so fake, dishonest, even manipulative. It just felt like a misrepresentation of the real, authentic person I was working on becoming, both with myself and everyone else.
But since this advice is still among the most popular advice given in one form or another, I wanted to address it here.
What I've come to realize is that while playing hard to get is the last thing you should do if you are looking for a real, authentic, honest relationship (which we know you are), being hard to get is a whole other thing.
And that's exactly what you do want to be.
Genuinely. Honestly. Authentically. Irresistibly. Hard to get.
Because if you can just see yourself the way you really are, with all that you have to offer someone who is truly deserving of you, there would be no question that you aren't going to drop everything and suddenly become available to just any guy who happens to look good in a tight t-shirt.
Be Hard To Get
You know that you have every right to be picky about the right things, every right to make sure he measures up to your high standards before you even consider making a commitment to him.
You have every right to keep living your own life – keeping your options open – until he gives you a clear rock-solid reason to do otherwise.
You know that you deserve to be called with enough advance notice that shows you're more than just an afterthought when he's got nothing better to do. You continue to make your own plans and keep them even if it means saying "no" to him if he called too late.
You know that if he doesn't call (or text, email, etc.), it's not anything to blame yourself for. It just means it wasn't meant to be right now and he isn't the guy for you at this point in time.
You don't beat yourself up about it, because you know it's his loss.
You know that your happiness doesn't depend on him choosing you. You have already chosen yourself.
You know that your worth doesn't depend on him choosing you. You already know you have worth just because you're you!
You know that you have nothing to prove, nothing to lose, and nothing to live up to. This is simply about getting to know someone better to see if you are compatible, enjoy being with each other, share the same values and are looking for similar things in life.
You know that it takes two people on the same page who want the same thing to make a relationship work, and you would never blame yourself or take more than your share of responsibility for the relationship if it didn't work out the way you wanted it to.
You Are Priceless
Because you, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing less than someone who genuinely wants to get to know you better and treats you like the confident, beautiful, priceless woman that you truly are.
This isn't about making someone love you.
This isn't about being the perfect girlfriend or perfect potential wife, or whatever else you see yourself as being to this man that hasn't given you any reason to commit to him any more than he's committing to you.
This is about two people getting to know each other better on this adventure we call life. That's it.
Don't take it any more seriously than this. Enjoy, have fun, live in the moment, and most of all, remember that this is about you living your life and raising the bar on how you choose to be treated!
You truly are all that...and yes, you are hard to get!
Sorry I forgot to say....when he goes missing and wants to come back, he walks past my house looking in, he tries to bump into me at places he knows I go, I think he even does a bit of checking up on me (seeing if my car is in the drive etc...). Why would he do this if I'm not what he wants?
I need help to understand what might be happening with my guy please!
I have been with him for sometime now and for the most part we get along really well. It's seems though every time we have been close/happy for a while, he seems to go missing/ignore me. Then a week or two later back he pops as if he had never been away. I really don't understand why this happens. This time though when he went missing, (I always leave him to it when he's like this) then rang me up we chatted had a laugh even made plans to see each other. 7 days later he's saying we should call it a day as he doesn't know what he wants. I have no idea what happened to him or why the change of heart. I have decided to just let things be but I am upset and very confused about this. Why do men change there minds when everything is going so good?
Because he doesn't know what he wants, Mandy. That's why you're getting such strange, confusing behavior from him. He's not comfortable when things feel too close/happy for him and so he pulls away to regain the level of distance he's more comfortable with. Then when he's got that comfort level back, he comes back for more of the close/happy feelings until the same discomfort comes up for him again and he repeats the whole cycle all over again. It's not about you, it's about what's behind this comfort level for him that he has to be motivated to look into for himself. There are so many reasons why, usually having to do with a defense mechanism learned early on in life that had to do with the way he was treated or the models he had for relationships, or a myriad of other reasons that are probably buried deep within himself. But don't try to fix him or rescue him; this has to come from him. You want someone who's on the same page as you, who wants what you want with you, and wants to do whatever it takes to make that happen. If this guy is truly compatible with you, he'll get there and you'll be the first to know. But right now, this is where he's at. The question isn't why he's behaving this way; it's whether this is working for you.
Like u always know what goes on in my mind. Tankx 4 being here. I love you
Always glad to be here for you, Jossel. Thank you! 🙂
The distinction makes ALL the difference! Playing hard to get often attracts a person with an insecure attachment style.
Great point, Jackie - and so true! 🙂
Dear Jane
You know I´m a big fan, and I always compliment you on your impeccable work...
... Yet once again, you nailed it... You are right on the money... You are right on the love... Because it starts with YOU... It´s so true... It is about putting yourself first, no matter who comes along who wants all your time and commitment without yet having earned it...
It´s happening to me right now... So great time to stop by your blog and get validation on something my infinite intelligence already knew...
You are amazing and so talented, Jane...
Thank you so much for your powerful insights...
Cheers
Monica.
P.S. My infinite intelligence refers to our intuition + subconscious ; ) that we all have...
Thank you, Monica - as always, I so appreciate your own inspiring words 🙂
Loved the difference in the concepts of playing hard to get and being hard to get. Another wonderful post Jane and so helpful in teaching about self esteem and self love which of course is the base for a healthy relationship. Thanks for the insight.
Glad you enjoyed this, Ann; thanks for letting me know 🙂
Dear Jane,
I've always loved reading your articles and write up's as they hold true and applicable to my personal experiences/perspective. This topic about being hard to get (and not playing hard to get) is one of the most beautifully written compositions you have. I always believe that one cannot fully and healthily love and cherish someone if he/she himself/herself has not yet fully given self-love that he/she truly deserves. I remember Dr. Patricia Allen sharing that men are extremely attracted to happy women & happy women are happy alone - they should be in loved with themselves; and men are willing to share in that. I am happy to have come to know your website Jane and I know you will be able to inspire more people not to lose hope in finding and getting to True Love. :0)
Thank you for your kind words, Jeng; I so appreciate hearing from you! And thank you for referencing Dr. Patricia Allen's work. She was so inspiring to me back when I was single and just discovering so many of these truths. It all makes sense, but I know all too well that it's only when we're open to see this that it becomes a part of us 🙂