If you've found yourself struggling to let go of someone you know isn't right for you, who you know isn't on the same page as you, but it’s just so hard to give up on the dream you had for both of you and you still want to believe in the possibility of a miracle, well, you’re not alone. It's one of the most common questions I'm asked.
How do I let him go? How do I move on? How will I ever get on with my life? How do I finally break free of this hold he has on me? You get the idea.
We all want to know the secret to just letting go and not going back. But the reality is that there is no secret. Each of us comes to it in our own way. We finally come to the realization that what we've been doing isn't working. If that realization means we need to let go of someone that isn't right for us, then we also have our own individual way of letting go and moving on.
And for most of us it looks more like a dance of one step forward, two steps back then a cut and dry ending with no looking back.
We start out standing firm in our newly found resolve, feeling our fresh confidence, then find ourselves falling back, full of new fears and self-doubts that reel us back in again. We get a little stronger each time, repeating this back and forth pattern several times until eventually we come to a point where the clarity is finally there and we see what we have to do.
The exact process is different for everyone based on your own unique situation, but what’s most important is to be gentle with yourself and resist the urge to beat yourself up for taking the long way around. It took you a long time to get as involved as you have; it will take you a long time to get un-involved. And along the way, in this process, it helps to remember a few important things.
- If it’s meant to be, it will be.
- If he’s really worth it, you’ll find that out.
- If he’s not, you’ll see that, too.
- Sometimes you can still be friends, but most of the time, you can’t be.
- Do you really want to still be friends? Or is this just a way to hold on to false hope and more of the same?
- You can always change your mind; if he’s not able to accept a change of heart, this confirms what you already knew.
- You will eventually be able to let go because at some point things will become crystal clear as you start to see things more objectively.
- It doesn’t matter how long it takes to let go of someone and move on. Some people can do this in a moment, but for most of us hopeless romantic, optimistic believer types it can take weeks, months or even years.
- The only reason to speed up this process is to get on with our lives; if we’re not there yet, it’s ok.
- You absolutely need support to get through this!
I’m sure I’ve forgotten a point or two, so if you’re currently going through this or have already experienced this, please add your additional points in the comments. We all need to know we’re not alone!
Hi Jane,
I'm going through such a rough time right now. I was dealing with a non-committal man for almost a year. He would pop in and out of my life every month or so, but we never went on proper dates, it was always me just going around to his place and staying the night. I stuck it out and kept hoping he'd come around because I knew he'd broken up with his ex right around the time he met me, and so I thought if I just waited a bit longer he'd be ready to be with me in a proper way.
Towards the end of the year I decided I couldn't do it anymore and was just going to start ignoring him the next time he called. The last time I saw him was in November and I was doing well to start to get over him...until yesterday that is. Last night I ended up doing some Facebook snooping ( I know I shouldn't have done it) and found photos of him and his ex from November - in fact just a little while before the last time I saw him. I felt sick to my stomach and like I'd been betrayed, because even though he was being non-committal and hadn't promised me anything I still thought I was the only woman in his life. I'm not sure if he was seeing her throughout the whole time I was seeing him but I'm thinking he probably was.
Now I feel like I'm back to square one and am all upset again. Why is it so hard to move on?? especially when it's from someone who isn't even worthy of my time or emotions. I still have that sick feeling in my stomach because I feel foolish...I want to move on but I don't know how and I really thought I'd dealt with this situation last year but I'm back to the beginning. I know I'll look back on this in the future and wonder why on earth I was so upset about this guy, it just hurts so bad right now. I comfort myself with the fact that at least it was with his ex and not some other new woman (although there could be others too I'm sure).
Do you want to spend another year in this? You can't change a person. If you want a marriage then this guy isn't on the same page. If he is causing more stress than peace, time to see other people.
Thanks for your reply Jackie. You're 100% correct and I know that the only person I can change is myself.
I'm reading a dating book at the moment written by a man which says that unless you've had a conversation with a man about exclusivity, then assume he's seeing other women. So I've learned my lesson about that, and on the other hand us women should be dating around as well instead of putting all our eggs in one basket straight away.
"...unless you've had a conversation with a man about exclusivity, then assume he's seeing other women." Yes, yes, yes!!!
"... us women should be dating around as well instead of putting all our eggs in one basket straight away." Exactly, exactly, exactly!!!
Thanks for pointing out these two very important points for all of us, Gabby; you're getting this! 🙂
I so hear you, Gabby. There's something about finding this out after the fact - regardless of how you find out! - when you relive that timeframe in your relationship and see the truth of what was really going on that makes it so much harder. It's because now it's about us. It's about how foolish we feel, how much we think we should have seen this, how naive we feel, and the list goes on and on. It's no longer about him, it's no longer about us being strong enough to walk away from something that isn't serving us well, it's about what we should have known, what we should have seen, and so we beat ourselves up, we're so hard on ourselves! And that's why it's so hard to let go all over again.
Forgive yourself for not seeing this; you couldn't have. You were being your beautiful self with your soft, loving, trusting, believing heart, and you had no reason to think there was anyone else involved. Someone who's truly worthy of you will love all these qualities about you, and he'll be worth your trust! We all assume that we're the only one even though someone may be non-committal - I have my own similar story to yours so I can completely relate. But now you know, now you can know for sure that you did the right thing; he wasn't ready - and he still isn't. See the other side of this; you knew.
I am going through this now, and I can't seem to let it go. I met a man on Facebook in January, just as a new friend and we began writing to each other every night. I have been trying to meet a guy for a while, and this seemed to fall into place so easily, he seemed to start feeling something for me just as I was falling for him. we wrote romantic notes daily and he began writing that he loves me and would come to NYC for my birthday in March. I cried with happiness when I got the letter saying he will come and meet me. he lives in Brazil, I am in NYC. Long story shorter, the letters continued but he didn't come here and I began to think he never would. I would have flown to Brazil to meet him, but he didn't ask. I sent him many letters saying I want to end it but the next day I would write again and ask if he could come here, if we can meet. and I told him I am falling in love and am serious about it. nothing much happened and I really want to have a man in my life but I suspect it will not be Paulo in Brazil. I writem
him all the time and he doesn't answer any more. I Still can"'t let go. I check my inbox every hour. I feel almost addicted but I don't want to spend my life alone. if I can"t let this go, what should I do?
First of all, be gentle with yourself, Adrienne. You fell for this guy regardless of whether or not he was on the same page as you, and it always takes awhile for us to get over someone we give so much of our heart and soul to. I know it's hard to believe that his lack of response is really a gift, but believe me when I say it is. You wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you, and the sooner you find this our is always better. I know that's not much consolation when you had such big plans for the two of you - of course you would have gone to him if he had only asked - but he just wasn't there. And he isn't there and as much as you want to, the reality is you can never make anyone love you, no matter how hard you try.
Ask yourself why you want someone who doesn't want you the same way, Adrienne. What hold does he have over you? What does this relationship with him bring up for you that is such a blind spot for you? If you haven't read my post on why you keep attracting the wrong guys, you may find this helpful to see what's really going on for you here. When we feel such a strong attraction to someone even when they are not on the same page as we are and don't want the same thing, this is a sign that this is more about us than them and we have some work to do to figure out why we need this person in our life even though they have clearly let us know they are not there.
It's time to find you, Adrienne. To discover or rediscover that beautiful woman known as you who has so much to offer someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. You deserve to be loved by someone who is emotionally and physically available to you. This is so much more about you than him, if you can dig deeper to see who you really are. Do whatever it is you need to do to get your life back so that you can focus on something other than him and your inbox. Make plans with your friends and stick to them. Find a hobby or cause or something you're passionate about and make it happen. You deserve nothing less than the real thing, Adrienne, and a real relationship with two real people in it who both want the same thing and are willing to overcome any obstacles to make that happen is the only type of relationship you ever want. You deserve nothing less than that!
if the guy is toxic or unavailable you dont want to be friends. You definitely need to go no contact . The other thing would be to take the time to process your pain and grief and not be addicted to being in a relationship. Its surprising how you find yourself growing emotionally when you take the time to be alone for a while.
So true, Ann; and I agree that sometimes the hardest thing to do is not get involved in another relationship right away. Even though it might help initially, all too often we end up with the same guy, different name and face, because we haven't done the work yet on ourselves to figure out the reasons we were attracted to someone who isn't good for us in the first place.
This is very true and I'm going through . I think keep yourself busy is also a key. When I go through I always think that I wanna make the person regret so I polish myself with working out at the gym and get sweat, go shopping and get some nice cl
Oops, hot the wrong button... Update your wardrobe, go nail salon and get fresh pedi/mani. And girls night out. My girls night out is usually chat until we have nothing to talk or restaurant closes.:-)
I also started to date again so I can clearly see the quality other person carries and how my previous guy wasn't...
Anyway, good luck to all and the special someone is out there!!!
Thanks for these great suggestions, Tae; that girls night out can be especially therapeutic! 🙂
I found that the meditation "Next: Overcoming Romantic Rejection" by Debi Berndt accelerates the complete removal of someone who is not worth even thinking about ever again.
Thanks for the resource, Jackie 🙂
Hi Jackie,
can you send the link of this meditation, i cant find that... Thanks
Dasha
Go to creativelove.com. It is from Debi Berndt
Unfortunately, that particular meditation doesn't seem to be one you can just access on its own. The only thing I've found is it's part of a series that you can only purchase. If you do have a link to this particular meditation, I'd love to get it from you. Thanks!