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It's Not About Him, It's About You!

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It's not about him, it's about you. A beautiful woman is lying on the grass.We've all been there, asking ourselves and everyone who's still listening to us …Why is he doing this? Why is he behaving like that? Why is he treating me this way? What is he looking for? What does he want?

But what would happen if we could change this around to be about you instead of about him?

It would sound something like...Why am I putting up with him doing this? Why am I OK with him behaving like that? Why am I allowing him to treat me this way? What am I looking for? What do I really want?

Do you see the difference?  When we switch the focus from him to us, it changes everything. We're no longer so focused on him that we forget to focus on us. We're no longer looking at every little thing he does to get a glimpse into what's really going on with him that we miss putting the time and energy and focus where it needs to be - on ourselves!

If we spend all of our time focused on another person, regardless of who they are or what they mean to us, we simply don't have enough time and energy to put the focus back on ourselves where it really matters! How can we figure out what we really need if we're so busy paying attention to what he needs? How can we begin to truly know where we're coming from, what we're all about, if we spend so much time analyzing everything about him?  How can we possibly expect to attract something different into our lives if we are so busy figuring out what he finds attractive that we haven't even begun to explore why we find someone like him so attractive?

While we may sincerely want to know the why's of him, the reality is that it's all a distraction away from us. From doing the work on ourselves to figure out what's going on inside us. It's so much easier to focus on someone else than it is to put that same type of focus on ourselves. It's so much easier to look at what's wrong with him than at what we need to do differently ourselves. But if all we do is keep our focus on him, living our lives focusing on what it is this time yet another him is doing to us, we miss the whole point.

This isn't about him; it's about you!

And the only way to attract something different, to bring someone different into our lives, is to begin that journey to understand who we really are. So that understanding can lead to a confidence in all that we are and all that we have to offer someone who's truly worthy of receiving such a gift.

Beginning with shifting the focus back from him to you.  Beautiful, radiant, confident, YOU!

Real Love

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Real Love. Real Love never leaves you hanging. Real Love never leaves you guessing. Real love never hurts. A man and woman are holding hands walking through an autumnal field of fallen leaves.Real love never leaves you hanging.

Real love never keeps you guessing.

Real love never leaves you wondering.

Real love never makes you feel bad.

Real love never makes you question yourself.

Real love never makes you feel anxious or insecure.

Real love never makes you feel alone.

Real love never hurts.

If you're feeling any of these, it's not real love, so don't be fooled into calling it that. Don't try to convince yourself that you have to put up with someone's hurtful behavior or settle for their crumbs all in the name of love because real love just doesn't work that way.

We sometimes call it real love because it's all we've ever known love to be about, but just because that's been our past experience, it doesn't mean it's true.

It's not.

The irony is that sometimes we have to give up our preconceived notions of what love is in order to find out what real love truly is.

And when you find it, when you experience the sweet gift of real love, you will know without a doubt what it is. Until then, it's about letting go of any love that falls short of honoring your beautiful you and all that you are and have to offer. It's about learning to love yourself so that you can begin to feel what it's like to be loved for who you truly are.

It's about sifting through the players and users who use love like it's a game to be won at your heart and soul's expense. It's about learning to say no when our old selves are crying out yes. It's about embracing every part of ourselves; our whole selves that includes our faults and flaws. And seeing the beauty within. The love we have to offer. The hearts we all too willingly give for so little in return.

There is such a beauty within if we could just learn to recognize it ourselves. Once we see that, once we get who we really are, what we have to give, and the real prize we truly are for the right kind of man, we see that there is no question that we must hold onto ourselves until we have seen what he is offering us.

What If...

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What if you could know, deep down inside, that there was nothing wrong with you? A beautiful, thoughtful woman wonders why she feels there is something wrong with her.We hear so much about what we need to do differently, what we need to change about ourselves, and what we're doing wrong, that it's no wonder we’re often left thinking that there is just something wrong with us and we'll never figure out how to find true love with that special someone.

We've all seen the looks and heard the exasperated sounds from well-meaning friends who are so tired of hearing the same story from us all over again, leaving us to question our own sanity once again. Almost everyone who seems normal to us seems to get it.

They make it all look so easy.

And yet, when we try to take all the well-meaning advice and make it happen for ourselves, too, we never get the same results.

It can be a frustrating, seemingly never ending cycle, leaving in its wake a tired, beaten down, broken person inside with little self-esteem and confidence left.

It can be hard to see our beautiful, radiant, confident selves when we feel like we are nothing and have nothing to offer anyone, let alone the energy to work on ourselves.

What if there was absolutely nothing wrong with you?

What if you really got that there was nothing inherently wrong with you? What if the fact that you are attracting the same type of man over and over again was about the way you view yourself, rather than some fatal flaw that's just your destiny? What would your life look life, and how would you be living your life if you truly believed in your heart of hearts that there was nothing wrong with you? Because the reality is, there is nothing wrong with you.

You are not your past.

You are not your mother or your father or your sister or your grandmother or whoever else you might think you are just like. You are your own beautiful self, and with a little awareness of where you've been and a lot of acceptance of who you are, you have everything you need to begin anew.

To see that beautiful person of you. To see all that you have to offer and all that you are. To see what that special someone is just waiting to see if you would just see it for yourself first.

You see, if we see ourselves for who we truly are, with all our flaws along with all our attributes, the whole package we are, we would see that it wasn't about being right or wrong, or good or bad, or attractive or unattractive, or a catch, or someone only a mother could love. We would see that these are terms, labels and judgments that our culture puts on us. We're so immersed in it, that we don't see it and so our parents, our teachers and our peers all unknowingly further reinforce these judgments on us, not realizing how they are helping to perpetuate these patterns.

So how do we change this? How do we actually throw off the heaviness of this feeling that we are less than beautiful, less than radiant, less than confident, just less than in general?

It begins with a choice.

Choosing to take back control of our lives and who we really are. And the life we're living. To choose to live life to its fullest, embracing ourselves and all that we are and everywhere we've been and every thing we've been through in the process.

Choosing to accept ourselves by sending ourselves a different message of love and acceptance.

It's as simple as making a choice to stop beating ourselves up so much, stop being so hard on ourselves, and choosing to accept those very things we've been rejecting about ourselves.

If we need to make some changes, let's resolve to make them. But let's do it in love and acceptance not in self-hatred and impatience. Resolve to bring love and respect to ourselves where we've only known the opposite.

This isn't about anyone else; this is about you. And it's in that journey of finding your way back to that place of love within yourself that the beautiful, radiant light that's inside you will begin to shine through like a beacon in the night to attract that special someone.

That someone who's been looking for you all along.

Don't Fall in Love With His Potential

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Don't fall in love with his potential. A beautiful woman sits in the grass and looks out across the valley at a beautiful sunset."I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." ~Liz Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

I love this quote – it just so succinctly summarizes the story of our relationships for so many of us; how we inadvertently set ourselves up for such heartbreak by falling in love with the potential of a man and a relationship with him, instead of looking at what is right now.

It is such a beautiful quality we possess; this optimistic, positive outlook that we apply to the men and relationships in our lives. We meet someone and see not just the person he is in front of us today, but we see so much of what he can be, so much of his emotional capacity that is not there yet, but could be if only he were loved by someone like us.Continue Reading

This Is All For You

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This is all for you. A beautiful lone flower sits in a garden.I have been receiving such special emails from so many of you. Some of you are just saying hello and letting me know you're out there enjoying my blog posts, others of you writing for some advice and support for what you're going through, and still others with such kind words that you bring me to tears!

With each and every email or comment I get I feel even more inspired to bring you that support, that empowerment and love that is so often missing when you're on this journey of learning to love yourself and learning how to attract and recognize that true love we're all looking for. It is the very core of our being to be loved, to be held in love, to be with someone who loves us just as we are, and to have someone to love with all the love in our hearts; someone truly worthy of our loving, giving selves.

All too often we get lost along the way, and find ourselves like a ship without a light, trying to navigate stormy, dark waters without any help in sight. Then, when it seems all hope is lost and we have no resources remaining, we find the strength somewhere deep within to bring ourselves out of such circumstances and we find we have everything we need to bring ourselves back to shore, back to the light of ourselves that turns out to be right inside us. It was there all along. We just needed that beacon, that light, that inspirational word to remind us of all that we are and all that we have already.

We've just forgotten.

I know just how dark that place can be at times. And I know that without support, without someone cheering you on, being there for you, it can be so hard to see what is really true.

And that's why I'm here.

With every email and comment that you write, I hear what you're going through. My heart goes out to each and every one of you as I know that regardless of our individual circumstances, we all share that need to be supported and reminded of everything we forget in those dark places in time.

I was thinking about the words I see in your emails, and I see so many of them over and over again. Words like "being ok with him not calling", "getting over the love of my life", "how can I go on", "how long does it take to get over someone" and on and on. Behind your words, I see you, that special person inside that has so much to offer, so much love to give, and yet is so often settling for so much less than you deserve, all in the name of something that feels like love, but so often is just the opposite. The sounds of a heart breaking, of soft tears falling are barely audible in all the noise all around us, but I hear them. And I feel what you're going through behind those sounds.

So, right now, whatever you're going through, I would invite you to let me know how I can help you. What are you struggling with?  What do you need?  How can I help? What can I do to help you learn to love that beautiful woman that is you?

It is because of each one of you that I am here. I'm here for each one of you through these rough times until you, too, sit on the other side and reflect back with me on how this journey has all been worth it in the end.

The Top 5 Biggest Dating Mistakes We All Make

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The top five dating mistakes we all make. A beautiful woman is embarrassed and is hiding her face with her hands.Looking back on my single days, there are so many things I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now. So many of these things we learn only from experience; from learning about life and love the hard way.

But the reality is, when we’re in it, when we’re dating, when we think we’ve found someone who might be the one, when we’re feeling that incredible chemistry, when we’re so lonely we don’t know if we can be alone another minute, when he finally notices us and asks us out, when we feel like we can’t breathe if we don’t hear from him, when we’re so scared to lose him, when we feel like without him we have nothing, when we’re sure he must be lying dead in the gutter somewhere because that's the only reason he would've disappeared like that, we can’t see that we’re about to make a huge mistake.

When we’re in over our heads emotionally and can’t think clearly we’re not able to be objective about what we’re doing. And that’s why we do all of those crazy, unloving, disrespectful things we do to ourselves in the name of love (or at least, what we believe love to be). And while I'm a firm believer that our mistakes are actually rich learning experiences if we allow them to be and we choose to learn from them, there’s no denying that there are things we’d rather do differently if we had them to do all over again. Because I had no idea how much heartbreak and misery I could have saved myself if someone had only told me what huge mistakes I was making by doing some of the these things, I'm going to tell you about the huge mistakes you are making (and we all make).

So here’s my list for you of what I consider to be the top five biggest dating mistakes.

1.) Being exclusive right away.

I didn’t figure this one out until years later. At the time, I would have thought that dating more than one person at the same time was just downright slutty. But I’m talking about dating here, not sleeping with anyone. Just dating more than one person at the same time.  Because the thing is that if you’re not dating exclusively, if the guy you’d really like to be exclusive with knows that he’s in the running but there’s others that you’re still considering too, that puts him in the best position possible – one where he has to prove to you that he’s worth going exclusive for. And that also keeps you in a place of high self-esteem and confidence knowing that if he really has that much potential you’ll know before giving too much of your self to someone too early, before you really know them well enough to make that kind of commitment.

Believe me, he will not be turned off by you dating more men than just him. What he will be is competitive enough to know that he wants to show you why you should drop the others and become exclusive to him. A decision that you’ll be much more in a position to make if you’ve got a couple of others you’re dating along with him, even if he’s really the only one you’re truly interested in.

And no, you’re not using the others, because you never know when the guy you’re not all that into throws you for a loop and surprises you with all he has to offer you. After dating several guys for a while you might just find that the guy you originally thought was number two or three surprises you and takes on the number one position.

2.) Getting intimate too soon.

There are so many different views on when it’s ok and not ok to be intimate with someone. While we all know the thrill of that intense chemistry when you feel like you just can’t stop yourself from going there with him, the reality is that this kind of chemistry tends to fizzle out all too soon leaving in its wake your broken heart and regret that you got intimately involved far too soon.

I have found that the best rule to follow here is not the amazing chemistry barometer when you’re in the heat of the moment (which is not going to be very objective) but instead the rule of waiting until you have a firm commitment from him and you’re both exclusively committed to each other. Another good rule is that if you’re not comfortable talking about birth control and STD protection with him, you’re definitely not ready to be giving yourself to someone on the kind of sexual level we’re talking about here. As uncomfortable as those conversations can be, they are necessary conversations to have with someone you’re about to become intimate with.

Ultimately, if you’re not sure, or have any doubt that it might be too soon, trust your gut.  It is.

3.) Calling him when he stopped calling.

This is one I always agonized over. When someone I had been dating suddenly wasn’t calling as often or as regularly as he had been, instead of talking to him directly about it, or deciding to back off myself and start living my life more so that I wasn’t sitting around waiting for him to call, I would get scared and call him. I’d typically come up with some excuse and then call him with something I thought seemed important (which, in hindsight, I’m sure he saw right through).

I’m also sure that I could have saved myself so much heartbreak from dragging the relationship on this way rather than either confronting him with the change, or just accepting that something had changed in the relationship for him and moving on with my own life. The reality is if he's interested, and this applies to whatever stage of the relationship you’re in, he’ll find a way to contact you and won’t leave you wondering where you stand.

And the truth is, where you absolutely do stand is beautifully in your own place, with or without him!

4.) Putting him up on a pedestal.

Hear me loud and clear here - He needs to prove he’s worthy and deserving of your love. If he wasn't pursuing me, if he could take me or leave me, that meant that he was more confident, more secure, more everything than I was. And to me, that translated into he was a real catch, he was someone worth proving myself to that I was worthy of his love.

It didn’t matter if I barely knew him, if I knew very little about his character, his values, his integrity, or even him. I would automatically assume he was so much more than me and I was thrilled that he was paying so much attention to me. What I finally figured out was that this really was about me. And my own lack of self-esteem and confidence that came from deep inside me.

Make sure that you are looking for an equal, a partner in a relationship, not a father figure or role model.

5.) Not being direct.

When I think about all the times I skirted around the issues that would come up, the number of occasions where I remained silent, waiting, watching, hoping and waiting some more to see what he was thinking, where this was all going, wondering whether he would choose me for keeps in the end, I can clearly see now just how much I contributed to my own relationship failures. Instead of wasting weeks and months and even years of energy, time and oh so many tears, I could have found out the answers to my unspoken questions that eventually would come out in the end, right away.

If I had been direct from the outset about what I was looking for, about what he was looking for and about just how much our plans and dreams had in common, I would have known these answers in time to save my heart from the heartbreak that comes from waiting too long, from getting too attached to the wrong person in the name of a dream, and from forgetting that I had just as much say in the relationship and where it was going as he did.

While I was concerned about being too forward, what I had missed was that I could be assertive without being aggressive, if I had only realized that being assertive is much more attractive than being so passive. If I had only realized just how much healthier a relationship is when two people are both able to communicate directly, I would have understood one of the true tenets of the type of relationship I longed for, yet had no idea of how to get there.

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