I could go on and on. And sometimes I do. Because this one is just that important. It's not about the gifts we give everyone else. It's not about the time we spend looking for that perfect gift for someone else. It's not about anything tangible. It's about you and what you deserve more than anything else in the world. Not just during this holiday season. But every day of the year.
To be loved.
We can't control who loves us, and all too often, we find ourselves with a deep longing to be loved by someone who isn't capable of giving us the love we are looking for from them. But at some point along this journey, we discover that it isn't just about a love that comes from outside of ourselves. It's about a love that comes from within. A love within ourselves that encompasses every dark place within us that doesn't yet understand that there is nothing within us that doesn't deserve to be loved.
We forget that it is in the embrace of our true selves that we find that love we are searching for. It is when we can finally stop beating ourselves up and stop focusing on what is wrong with us that we can finally move on to everything that is right with us. It's such a simple thing, but for so many of us who have had to work so hard to convince someone of our worth, it is anything but simple.
It's about a shift in consciousness.
It begins with an openness to seeing things differently, to being open to hearing something different. Then, it progresses to a gradual change within our level of consciousness to where we finally see that this isn't about getting someone to fall in love with us, to love us the way we've been longing to be loved our whole lives. Instead, it's about understanding that we don't have to do anything to be loved; it's about embracing all that we are and looking deep inside to see if anything needs to change within ourselves so that we can shine through as the person we really are.
So we accept our strengths and our weaknesses; we decide what we want more of and what we could use less of, and we take steps to make those positive changes to bring out the best in ourselves. And then, with practice, with focusing on ourselves like this, we learn more about what we are capable of, what we want to do, what we enjoy and what makes us feel truly alive. We learn more about what we don't want, what we don't need.
We learn about what we are no longer willing to settle for.
And somewhere along the way, we realize this has so much more to do with us and our way of thinking than it has to do with any him. And that's when we suddenly find ourselves liking who we see in the mirror. She's not perfect, but we're able to see past all those things we used to loathe and actually begin to like what we see and see the potential in ourselves for once, and not in another him. And as this becomes a new way of seeing ourselves, with gentleness and acceptance where once there was only loathing and judgment, we begin to attract and start attracting something different. We can see past the man who says and does all the right things, but has no substance to his charm. And we can finally accept someone who actually treats us like gold.
That's the kind of love that is waiting for you, my beautiful friend; when you discover where it all begins, at that place of you and your heart with a love for yourself and all that you are like you never knew before.
Jane,
Loving ourself is the hardest thing to do...But I understand what your saying and its well worth it, if you want to attract the right person in your life...And its about time to give ourselves the love we deserve because if we can't learn to love ourselves (putting me first) we can never be loved...I'm learning to do these things your talking about and it feels so good because it's been such a long time...The one thing I realize is there are flaws in me, but yet I know there are also good things about me too that I love about my self...Thinking positive is my motive and finishing things I'm meant to do...And then doing things I love and just being happy with I have right now and being grateful for it...THANK YOU for the inspiration...I love your post and the wisdom you have...I always come back to read the things you write to remind myself, I deserve better and refuse to settle for nothing, but what I deserve....
It really is the hardest thing, Bow; we have such a hard time with this, believing we really are worth so much and never deserve less than this. But we forget so easily because we hear so many contrary messages that ring in our head. It's such a long journey to overcome these thoughts, these voices that have such a long history that relentlessly tell us otherwise in such subtle, subconscious ways. But that is exactly why I'm here and why I say these sentiments over and over again. So that you will hear enough of me, and my words, which is the truth, so that you will eventually have another script to play in your head in those moments that you want to beat yourself up and convince yourself you're not worth more than any of what you've been settling for. So that you will have another voice in your head, new words to repeat to yourself, and new sentiments to claim for yourself. Until one day, these words, these thoughts will be yours alone.
Thank you for your kind words, Bow; you inspire me! 🙂
Wonderful GIFT to be loved, starting with ourselves... Thank you for the reminder and the excellent article, which has a ton of value + worth reading again... By using my new compass - and even being vegan that makes me way more aware- I now quickly see through men I would have let into my life before. Too bad, but I have had to say within me, "Next" + avoid unnecessary headache...Cheers + Merry Xmas, Jane! P.S. I sent you a friendship request on facebook ; )
Merry Christmas, Monica! And know that if you've discovered a new compass, that is such a huge step to navigating your way to a healthier type of man and a healthy type of relationship. "Next!" really is such an important step to moving on and avoiding hanging on to something and someone that doesn't honor the beautiful woman you are.
Thank you sooooooooo much your words are just what i need to hear, they are the boost every confident,sane woman needs!
You're so welcome, Jay, and thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad this was exactly what you needed. 🙂
Thank you Jane for that wonderfully warm post. Just what i needed to hear too. Yesterday my ex husband called to say he wanted to talk to me. I can guess what he wants to 'TALK ABOUT'. After walking out on me and the family three years ago and putting me through hell in court just when in am finally starting to get myself into some kind of balance , HE decides he wants to talk. Thank God i know about narcissistic behaviour and i know sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them a bullet to shoot you when they missed you the first time. However even being aware of his behaviour did not stop me from feeling grief at all that has happened. Thats why your post today was just the support i needed . Thank you for taking the time to do what you do.
You're so very welcome, Ann. I'm so glad the timing of this article resonated with this call from your ex-husband and you're able to feel this support I'm sending out to you. It is always more than coincidental that just when we're starting to walk comfortably on our own again, that call comes to put us to the test and see if we really are that strong (and yes, you know you really are!) 🙂