So you've gone out on several dates, he’s been very romantic, sending you flowers, taking you to wonderful restaurants, and generally sweeping you off of your feet. You’re starting to think you’d like to take the relationship to the next level. But how do you know he’s not just an experienced player that’s putting his time in until he’s had his fun, only to leave you in a dusty heap, brokenhearted once again while he goes back to cavorting with his buddies looking for his next conquest? How do you know he'll actually stick around if you allow yourself to get closer to him?
Well, forget about the flashy gifts, romantic poems, and serenading you beneath your window at midnight. While those things are certainly wonderful and oh so romantic, they’re not the true tell-tale signs that he’s in it for the long haul. Lots of guys can be over the top romantic when they're on the hunt. Here are the much more subtle signs that you should be on the lookout for if you want to know if your new guy is ever going to turn into real relationship guy material:
1.) He’s tries hard to make you happy
Men want to take care of a woman they care about. They’re wired for that – they want to do things for us, to protect us, provide for us and ultimately they want to make us happy. Guys are do-ers and they show us they care by doing things for us. If he waxes your car or changes your oil (or at least takes them in for you), or if he goes out of his way to make sure that he always has your favorite yogurt in his fridge when you come over, those are very good signs he's really into you. Bonus points if he brings you hot chicken noodle soup and a copy of Bridget Jones' Diary when you're on the couch feeling ill, gives you a kiss on the forehead, and then leaves you alone.
2.) He thinks you look great at your worst
When he looks at you the same way whether you're all dolled up for a night out on the town or it's Saturday morning and he sees you with no makeup, your hair pulled back, and wearing sweats, that's a good sign. All men love it when we do ourselves up for them, but it's the guy who's in it for real that still has eyes for us when we're in frumpy mode.
3.) He wants to show you off
He’s not hiding his Facebook page from you, and in fact, you’re predominately on it. A guy that's really into you wants the world to know it, and he has nothing to hide. You see, if he’s really into you then he’s not holding out hope that something better will come along, which means that there's no reason to hide the fact that the two of you are an item.
4.) He calls you often
And you actually have real conversations, talking about things like your personal history, what your childhood was like, where you went to school, what you like and don’t like to do, etc. It shows that he’s interested in more than just your beautiful curves and gorgeous eyes – he wants to know what’s behind those eyes and what makes them sparkle and shine. It shows that he actually cares about you, the person, not just you, the hottie.
5.) He introduces you to his buddies and his family
He’s not afraid to make you part of his life; in fact, he can't wait to introduce you to everyone that's close to him. He wants you to be a part of his life, and that means taking you to his favorite places and introducing you to his favorite people. You may not want to hang out with his friends or his family, but the fact that he wants you to is a sure sign he thinks you're a keeper.
If you see several (or, better yet, all) of these signs then you can feel very confident that your guy sees you as the real thing. And if he sees you as the real thing, he's very likely to commit to a real relationship with that beautiful woman otherwise known as you!
Thank you, Jane for the advice! i will keep reading your posts - some of them make me feel very good! thank you again for this blog! 🙂
Hi Jane,
first of all thank you for your blog! i found it very valuable - i keep reading it and trying to find the answers for myself. I also really appreciate your support and responsivness!
My story had an interesting twist which i am still confused about, but trying to let it go. That guy phoned me a few days ago trying to explain himself. He appologized for being distant and treating me this way, saying i do not deserve this. I appreciate he was honest. Then he said that something did not feel right to him about the relationship and that he is in the process of figuring out what he wants from life... It seemed as if he was in some sort of trouble (e.g., work, family issues) but did not want to share. He also mentioned that he felt like we rushed into things and skipped steps by getting to know each other - which i agree with, we could have taken things slower. He admited that it was only his fault and he is trying to get his stuff together. I don't know what is going to happen now, as he did not seem like he wants to cut contact with me. He said he still has feeling for me. Instead he mentioned that he wants to keep open communication and continue to talk to me (perhaps in a friend format - i am not sure...). He also kept saying that time will tell of what is going to happen... I am so confused! He could not just say that we are over even though i asked him directly.
I appreacited his honesty and hope things are going to work our for him, i am just very confused as i don't think i can relate to what he is going through... It looks like he does not want the relationship anymore, but still wants to keep talking? why? is this even worth pursuing?
Anyways, i decided to focus on myself - just as you advised. But what he said during that conversation still buggs me, i really wish i could understand this better.
Jane, if you ever had similar experiences or if you have any advice, would you mind sharing it?
thnak you!
That kind of non-committal, evasive answer can have just about any type of meaning behind it, Iryna - it's no wonder you're confused. It sounds like he wants to keep his options open while he deals with whatever it is that's going on for him right now, so it's not surprising that you find this confusing and hard to let go of - that's exactly the way he meant to come across! In my experiences with men like this, I always found that it gave me the kind of false hope that only kept me hanging on and wasting more time and energy trying to read between the lines than living a real life with someone who never left me wondering where I stood with him.
So while you don't have any control over what's going on with him and where he's at with you, what you do have control over is how you choose to respond to this. That's where I would continue doing exactly what you are doing, Iryna; living your own life, focusing on yourself, and letting his own issues be his own. If this is meant to go anywhere, it will because he will want it to go somewhere and he will do what it takes to make that happen, since he clearly knows where you stand. You never have to wonder if someone is interested in you and wants a relationship with you; they will always clearly let you know. And while time will tell, time tells when you have two people both on the same page, both open and committed to seeing where a relationship will lead as they get to know each other and communicate directly with each other, and not in circles like this. So keep focusing on you, and seeing what and who else interests you and if he comes around and tells you something more concrete, you can see where you're at then. I hope this helps! 🙂
Jane,
what to do, when a guy did all of the above but now it all seems off? like he is not interested?...
I have been seeing this guy for a 1 month, he introduced me to his family and friends, asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and all of a sudden he became distant. he said he had a lot of work and he is super busy. He did seem stressed. He also send me a text 4 days ago appologizing for being distant. I have not heard back from him since. i don't know what to do... i don't want to call him... as i had bad experiences when i pursued men and got hurt... don't even know what to think anymore, things were so great!...
It's always hard to understand why this happens, but unfortunately, it happens all too often, Iryna. This seems to be one of the hallmark MOs of men who have commitment issues - great beginnings, and then they all but disappear. I wrote a post about this phenomenon titled "The Case of the Disappearing Man" that you may find insightful. The reality is that a month really is a short time to get to know someone, and it takes a lot longer to get to know someone, regardless of how awesome those beginnings can be.
You're doing the right thing by not pursuing him; he knows what the two of you have together, he was there as well, and knows how you feel. It is not that uncommon for a guy to want to be exclusive and then realize what he's done and be scared off by his own reality check of what that means to him. This really is about him and not you. It's about his own comfort level. I know that doesn't help make it any easier, but your best response is to give him the space he obviously needs right now, and go on with living your own life, letting him just be part of the sidelines and not your main focus. I know that's easier said than done, but realistically, if he is interested in more, if he is ready to pick up where you left off, he will let you know and you can decide where you're at if that happens.
If a relationship is meant to work, it always takes two people that are both on the same page and want the same thing and are willing to do what it takes to be together. So trust that if this is meant to be, it will be, but if not, it is so much better that you know now, before you get any more involved with someone who would only break your heart again down the road. You are still the same beautiful woman who has so much to offer someone who is truly worthy of you, and doesn't leave you wondering how he feels or what happened to him. Remember that any relationship that is going to be all that, takes time to grow, and there is never any reason to rush into something no matter how amazing it feels. If it is going to be amazing, it will still be all that even if you take it slow enough to keep your you, your emotional and physical self protected enough until he truly shows you that he is worthy of you going there, and not the other way around.
If you haven't already read it, here's another post on the mistakes I made in my single days that you may find helpful. You are always worth waiting for, Iryna!
thank you so much for the kind words, Jane! i will definitely refrain from contacting him to see if he is in it for real or not... as you've said, if it's meant to be - it will be...thanks again for the advice!