There comes a time in everyone's life when something happens that causes you to re-evaluate the path you're on. A crisis of sorts, to set a change in motion to lead you to a different path, to get you to stop and take notice of what is and isn't working.
This turning point will look different for everyone, but the point is to make whatever has happened in your life worth it, worth the pain that you went through. Don't let the experience that brought you here today be wasted. Use it as a springboard for the change that you know you need.
Make today your turning point.
Instead of looking at what you did wrong, or what you could have, should have done differently; why he left you, or why he isn't ready to commit to you, instead resolve to dig down deep below the surface to the root of your questions. You don't have any control over him and the choices he made or may still be making, but you do have control over your own choices and the decisions you're now making. Instead of looking at why he isn't willing to commit, or why he ended the relationship, or why he hasn't called, or what's going on with him, make this about you.
You're the only one you can change here.
Begin by asking yourself these tough questions: How have I attracted such a guy? What was it about myself that I needed to dig deeper down to figure out why I have needs for guys like this? What am I really looking for and why?
Be patient with yourself if you don't have the answers. Most of us don't at first, and may never have them without the help of a trusted third party or a professional. Figuring out the answers to our deepest questions by being open and honest with ourselves is very necessary, but never easy work. But it's in the digging deeper and looking honestly within ourselves for the answers that we learn who we really are.
It can be a slow journey, the old three steps forward, two steps back, filled with lots of tears, lots of lonely times, and lots of wondering if we'll ever figure this all out. But somewhere in the midst of this type of soul-searching we begin to discover who we really are, not someone that everyone wants us to be, but our true, authentic selves. And in the process, we learn to love ourselves for the first time in our lives. We start accepting ourselves and what is instead of trying to be something other than ourselves and what we think should be.
Even if right now all you feel is pain, despair and loneliness, it's exactly this turning point that starts you on a different path, in a different direction, with the hope of all things new, different, better. They're all just waiting for you, right around the corner.
All you have to do is make that turn.
Have you experienced a turning point in your life? Tell us about it in the comments!
Thanks Jane,
I needed to get that off my chest and hopefully provide some help to someone else who might be struggling. Blessings
Glad it helped, Cookie. We're all connected in some way to each other.
Wow! All of these stories ring a chilling bell for me. I could possibly go on forever about dysfunctional upbringing, being completed devoted to someone who after having beg me to be with him told me he changed his mind & no longer wanted a relationship, to taking people's BS (going along to get along) Ive recently was left after two years of dating by a DA who when he found out his ex who just served a two year sentence for possession of crystal meth & violently assaulting an elderly family member was about to be released. I spent more times than I care to count lending a supportive ear about his chaotic past with her but had I had been true to myself I would have noticed the red flag. Any self respecting person knows you don't talk about your ex with someone your genuinely tryn to get to know. I'm surely paying the price now of feeling like this person saw more value in a crack head low life & not me. Slowly but surely I'm falling in love with myself again & my turning point is realizing that his value system means nothing to me because the fact that he is pursuing someone of this type of character tells me his thinking is dysfunctional & he was not capable of sustaining or maintaining a healthy relationship. I've cheated death several times & was told by my own mother that I was a mistake because my father got snipped to keep from having anymore children. For these two reasons I find the strength that I need to overcome. I understand more than ever the importance of the blood that Jesus shed for me. God made me possible & has something wonderful in store for me to do & I am determined to clear away the fog and see what that is. Ladies if any man was too blind, selfish, deceitful, pompous, self serving, & fake to see the true beauty that you possess don't make the mistake of blaming yourself, you deserve the best!
My advice continued... It will not happen over night but anything from pampering yourself, yoga, meditation, hanging out with pals, a makeover, etc anything to develop the habit of self care & preservation. And always remember...if God thought you were special & worthy enough to let his son die on the cross for you than who is a mere mortal man to say or think your not?
Hi Jane,
It is really a great article and advice! I have hurt twice by the same guy. I am an Asian, dated with a Caucasian guy who is mid 30s and i am early 30s. He was my first love and he acted like a gentleman and never push for sex coz he knew that i am vrigin. But after 4 months dating, he broke up with me via text when i decided to more open up with him. that time i blamed myself for never enough open up with him. after 4 months onwards, we got contacts each other again and we were seeing again for 2 and half months. I let him know that i really like him and asked him we are just hanging out or dating. He said we were dating. Things seemed going very good. But after he flew back to his home for holidays, he texted me (this just happened last sunday) that he is thinking to go back his country for good coz of his dad's health,bla bla... and relationship is not good for him now... ask me to find a guy who is ready for it and we can take more when he is back .... In the very first beginning(within first one month dating), he was the one who talked about relationship, marriage, settle down..., that time i told him that i cant settle for anything less regardless of my age. I replied his break up msg politely like understand , taking care of your dad.., He got back here yesterday morning and he took sometimes to reply my text and when he did he sounded taking it easy like he is not hurting me or he is nothing wrong. Well i didn't reply his last text and last night i tried to call him to ask about his dad and try to get a sincere talk in person as he said we can talk more when his back but he didn't answer my call and so far never text me.'.One thing is my friends suggest me to look into the dating sites where most of Caucasian guys are using in Asia, unfortunately I found him actively online .:) But it could make my mind clear that he is not just that into me!! He just want to play around while in Asia 🙂 Thank God, I didnt have sex with him otherwise i might feel more hurt!! 🙂 I was wondering why he came back to me second time??? but now nothing worth to wonder all those non senses and I can accept that nothing wrong with me!! Your advise has made me more stronger !! Thank you Jane!
With Love,
SaSa
So glad this has helped you, Sarah. Thank you!
Hi, Jane. As usual, this post came to me at the exact moment I would see it resonates. The turning point is crucial, yet extremely painful. When you go to the core, deep within yourself it is actually unthinkable what you can find. I am still shocked at what I have found. I think I have never truly been happy. I have dealt with sadness all my life but I have been highly functional. I think not many people have noticed. I realize now why. My childhood was not a happy childhood. I still find resistance to that thought because I was convinced my childhood was healthy and nice. I think I had never realized how damaging the love I received was. My parents of course love me, the only way they know how and I love them, but they made choices that ended up instilling in me the most destructive beliefs. I felt lonely. In retrospect I see now that I was a very frightened child. A very sensitive, loving child who grew up in a highly disfunctional home. My parents didn't know how to fullfill my needs of love and acceptance because they themselves didn't have their needs met as children either. I have been pretty much in survival mode since I can remember. That is why I cannot have any lasting friendships nor am I attracted to men who can love me. I realize now that every man I have ever wanted only reflected someone who just couldn't care about me. Hence the rejection. It's hard for me to believe my loving father couldn't love me the way I needed him to. I thought he had. Now I see he simply couldn't. Everything I have achieved has been in a desperate attempt to make my father happy, but never for my own self. I don't know who I am. I have grown up trying to fit in, trying to please others but no matter what I do, I can never feel their love, not because they don't love me, but because the way they love me doesn't match the frequency or what I want. I see clearly now, I don't love myself. I can't really define what love feels like. I feel now as if I only have my own self to figure this out. It is scary, lonely and painful. But I am glad I can see this now. I can't help but feel anger, despair, and a deep sadness, but I know I can pull through. Don't know yet how or when, but I have to.
You're seeing this, Angel, this is huge. Recognizing where we've come from is how the changes begin, when we can see and feel and then choose this time to do things different in spite of our pasts, regardless of where we've come from. I so relate to everything you wrote here. My biggest fear has always been this aloneness that seems to be ever-present, and is still something I struggle with no matter how much I've learned.
The resistance is such a part of this; to question, seems disloyal and a betrayal to the story you've been told, the one you had to protect at all costs to yourself to be loved. It's with a sadness that we can accept, and see, and yet still be true to ourselves, to become strong in ourselves and to realize that this aloneness can only be resolved when we embrace ourselves and refuse to leave ourselves alone.
The cravings to get this from others can stop as we learn to find this in ourselves. I have a post coming up about exactly this - it's been the greatest lesson I've learned - loving ourselves unconditionally when we've never known that love before. Big hug to you, Angel. I so hear you and could talk to you about this subject for hours! 🙂
Thank you so much, Jane for always listening or better said reading and replying. It feels comforting to know someone understands it and is listening. It is just so lonely over here. Your blog keeps me going. Whenever I sink too low, I can come here and read and reach out. It helps so much. Taking all this information in is just so hard right now. I feel major anxiety. I haven't been able to relax for a week and a half. I am afraid of what I can find next... Although to be honest I don't know if it can feel worse than this. This was too much for me to wrap my head around. I keep wondering how I have been able to live like this. How I could just be so numb and used to so much b.s. I know that maybe it isn't all bad, but it just feels so awful right now. I feel as if I have been trapped in a glass room and I can see out, but no one can see in. They know someone is there, but they don't want in and I am also afraid and too ashamed to let them in. I hadn't realized I even avoid looking at myself in the mirror at times. That is how ashamed of myself I feel. I guess too much shaming and bullying growing up had quite the effect. More than I had ever thought. I thought I had gotten over it, now I see I just ignored it, but it shows up and how I behave and what I do without realizing it. I have major work to do to rescue that child in me.
You're so welcome, Angel. It's like I hear myself in your words in a different time and place, but still so familiar on a deeper level. I've always struggled with anxiety, so I understand that, too. I've found my own peace in letting go of what isn't mine. Of holding myself in a closer space with firmer boundaries around my heart and soul. Then you can choose what you allow in, what gets through. It's a lot to discover about where you've been. Don't stay there too long, and don't get too far ahear of yourself either. Take your own time outs in nature, near a body of water, around the bigger things in nature that can contain you when you feel so out of control from not being held by the ones who were meant to hold you yet couldn't for their own reasons that had nothing to do with you. Baby steps. Lots of time in nature, surrounded by the strong wind, by towering firm trees, by the vastness of the ocean or another body of water that goes on indefinitely. The shame is what's at the core of so much of what we feel like this, Angel. It's not yours, that's always someone else's. We have to learn to give it back. To not take it on ourselves and make it our own. The glass rooms do go away when we realize there's nothing to be afraid of. There isn't. It's only our own shame that tells us there is.
Thank you, Jane. I definitely need to take your advice. I need nature, I sure do. I am traveling on Thursday to Stockholm, I will check where I can go there. I do need to spend some time in nature. I feel like I am just drowning. I know I am not supposed to stay in this place so long, I just guess I have to ride it out. Just breathe and see when things get clearer. Big hug to you.
And to you, Angel. I'd love to join you there 🙂
Thank you very much for this, you have a great talent to make things seem manageable. i'm so glad to read your blog, i know their someone for me near my future, once again thanks for your advices/guide 🙂
Thank you, Esmilka! I'm always so happy to hear from my readers and glad to be able to help in whatever way I can. And yes, you are so right; there really is someone out there looking for you as much as you are searching for him. 🙂